The Saga of Silver, blue and co.

Started by Dogar The Brave October 29th, 2007 7:08 AM
  • 4459 views
  • 24 replies

Shadowz

Among the Shadowz...

Age 28
England
Seen February 20th, 2008
Posted February 18th, 2008
431 posts
15.6 Years
nice, but its a bit rushed, next time make at least 2 paragraphs, But you have a nice idea for a storyline :3

-Amso-
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Age 29
Male
UK
Seen March 26th, 2011
Posted November 1st, 2010
348 posts
15.9 Years
Hmm...how you're not giving Pokemon personalities and bonding with their owners is beyond me. Also, I'm already forgetting who caught what, and how a Bagon is strolling around in Viridian Forest? I'm guessing Ruby is going to catch an Eevee now? Overall, you're sticking at it, which is also good. I'd give it an average - I want to see some improvement!
Platinum FC - 0432 3665 4474[Name - Drew]
HeartGold FC - 5199 7801 6179[Name - Drew]

Platinum Team:
Sceptile/Blaziken/Swampert/Swellow/Gardevoir/Flygon
HeartGold Team:
Meganium/Ampharos/Pupitar/Typhlosion/Feraligatr/Scizor
Age 28
Male
NY
Seen January 29th, 2014
Posted January 14th, 2014
1,290 posts
15.8 Years
Um...whats going on here? Your paragraphs are wayyyyyy to short. I lost interest in reading after the second chapter. This seems very close to 4 seasons of pokemon combined. When someone is talking (which is all that seems to be happening in this fanfic) you press the enter key twice.Make it a lot longer for its only about...6 lines? Also, dialogue isn't the only way to write a fanfic. This is in the revision bin for a reason, but hey, with some improvement, it'll get out.

Originally Posted by Lord94
*To the author.
“Lord94… why did you have to put Pearl in this story?”
“Just cause, Silver, Just cause.”
What in hells name is that? Is that some sort of private interview going on between yourself in the middle of nowhere? Whatever there are some more things I haven't mentioned.

1) How do you explain finding a houndour, cleffa and bagon strolling around route 1?! Last time I checked, the only thing I ever found there was pidgey and ratata.

2) When I said that there is more to a fanfic then dialogue there is, but I didn't say what. You need to put in some narration, some description. I never watched the anime so I don't know who Blue, Silver, Ruby and Pearl are or look like.

This does need a lot of work.

EDIT again: One last thing of advice, you seem to like posting your chapter one hour after the other. Heres the thing, don't do that. Wait at least 24 hours before posting a new chapter. I know I wouldn't want to decide to read you story and end up reading 10 chapters. They are all very rushed, and your small chapters show it.
Why, Yes
Chris Martin is my avatar.

Safari Type: Ghost
Shuppet, Dusclops, Phantump
PM for FC
Age 36
Seen 15 Hours Ago
Posted 2 Days Ago
Howdy. Welcome to the Revision Bin of the PFF section! If you want your story to get out of here, then listen to our advice and improve your chapters!

First of all, your grammar needs some help. Grammar is one of the basic building blocks of a story. Without good grammar, your story isn't readable, and readers will turn away. And what's the point of posting a story without readers actually reading it?

Your spelling needs some help. I would suggest writing your chapters on a word processing program like Microsoft Word or even using one found on the Internet. Anything with a spell-checker would help. The spell-checker would catch misspelled words such as "professor", or typos such as "syand" for "stand". But you'll still need to read over what you write. Why? As my teacher says, "Do not rely on spell-checkers or grammar-checkers: they cannot correct the misuse of there, their, and they're or other oddities of the English language."

Don't worry if you yourself don't quite understand the differences between those three words. I wrote a topic found here that teaches the differences of the commonly misused homophones. The first post of that thread also talks about correct dialogue grammar; the third post talks about changing the font of your text while writing fanfiction. It is my suggestion that you read that topic, and even PM me if you need more help.

-

The next problem I see with your chapters is how short they are. All four parts of chapter four could have easily been combined into one post, and there was no reason to split them as such.

But why are your chapters so short? Because you're missing way too much description. Pretend I'm stupid about the world of Pokemon, and you have to tell me about the creatures, the world, and your original characters only by what you can type. You might say "Bagon" and mean the little blue dragon with a steel-hard head, stubby arms, and a dream to fly, but if I didn't know that, I would picture a "Bagon" as a plastic bag monster. You need to describe what the characters and surroundings look like, sound like, smell like. Use all five senses when describing. Oni flygon and Frostweaver wrote a writing guide that might prove useful: Basic Pokemon Writing FAQ

Your characters fall flat to me. They don't seem to have any personalities to tell them apart from the others. During your last chapter, I couldn't tell who was battling, who was refereeing, who was sleeping, who was watching. Give your characters personalities so that the readers can tell them apart and care about them. Your characters will feel more human when they start feeling emotions like humans, and they'll feel real to your readers, like old friends that they would want to cheer on. Scythemaster lost interest by the second chapter. That's not good if you want readers to remain with you until the end. You have to grab readers early, make them care about your characters, and hold onto your readers. (The Writing Guide can help you.)

-

The last thing that I find as a problem is that you seem to be breaking the rules of Pokemon canon for no real reason. Why is Professor Oak just randomly picking the starter Pokemon for the new trainers (when they should make that decision on their own) and giving out Pokemon that aren't the starter Pokemon of Kanto? Oak, as it has been shown, can't readily get the Pokemon of other regions. If he gets a Piplup/Ralts/Totodile (bolded to emphasis correct spelling), he'd be more likely to keep it for research than to hand it off to some new trainer. What's wrong with the current starters of Kanto? Or, if you want your characters to have different starters, have them get them from other means other than Oak. Like have a relative give the Pokemon as a gift, or have the parents buy it, or have the kid go out and find it.

On the topic of finding the Pokemon, Bagon wouldn't just be wandering around wild on Route 1 in Kanto for no good reason when it's rare to find in one area of Hoenn (a region separated by an ocean and another region from Kanto). Perhaps the Bagon was lost by another trainer. I don't know. But right now, it just sends out warning signals to your readers if your characters are encountering rare Pokemon and capturing them easily.

You can have different Pokemon appear on the routes other than just the common Pidgey or Rattata. But you have to remain within reason. Bagon are out of the question. Let's say that perhaps...a Sandshrew appeared on Route 1. That wouldn't be too bad, because Sandshrew could live over there.

Also, just make capturing Pokemon a bit more difficult for your trainers than just two attacks and the Pokemon are captured and like being taken from their homes with no problems. Have them fight tooth-and-nail to stay free. Really, all I'm saying is to make it just a little more difficult for your characters. That will also make your readers more interested in your story. Because they won't know if your characters will make it or not.

-

Your story can get better and find its way out of the Revision Bin. You just have to listen to what your reviewers say. You have to take your time writing your chapters. (This means no more six chapters posted in seven hours.)

For now, focus on what I told you in order of how I mentioned them. This means: grammar, description, character choices. Work on that in order, and you'll improve.

Good luck to you!

Avatar credit: Fairy
Seen September 3rd, 2008
Posted April 30th, 2008
464 posts
15.6 Years
The Saga of Blue, Silver, Ruby and Pearl

Chapter 1 – Getting a Pokemon

Blue

Blue groans and tries to go back to sleep. When he realises he can’t he opens his eyes fleetingly. It’s still dusk, he can tell. He groans again. He leaves his bed and walks around his room. Blue stops to look at his reflection in the mirror. Spiky white hair, brown eyes and a slightly crooked nose. Still, for a thirteen year old, he is pretty small. He walks away from the mirror but doesn’t bother getting back into his four poster bed, the main reason being he thinks he is too excited to go back to sleep. Today is the day he turns thirteen, he isn’t really that excited about being thirteen. No, he’s excited because when you turn thirteen you are able to get your first Pokemon and start on your quest to become whatever you want to be in the Pokemon world. Blue checks his Rolex; it’s four in the morning. He groans for the third time before collapsing on his bed. Maybe, just maybe, he will be able to drift off to the land of sleep.

Silver

A purple haired boy is being shaken awake by his mom. “W-What?” He asks feebly.

“Today’s the day,” his mom replies. She leaves the room, knowing he would get up as soon as possible now that he remembers today is the big day.

The purple haired boy is named Silver. He is of medium height for a thirteen year old. His eyes are sharp and cold. His face; sullen, an almost ghostly expression. He would be regarded as cute if it wasn’t for the jagged scar on the side of his left cheek, nobody knows when or how he got it. He doesn’t care. It’s part of him now. His mom comes back into the room with his clothes. He takes them and watches her leave the room. He begins to stare out the window; thinking.

Pearl

“Mom?” Pearl asks suddenly.

“For god’s sake, Pearl, it’s five in the morning! What do you want?” Her mom sighs.

“Am I ugly?” Pearl’s voice breaks.

“Of course not!” Her mom replies quickly. “You are beautiful.”

Indeed she is; with black hair swimming down to the tips of her shoulders, stunning green eyes and a gorgeous smile. A perfect thirteen year old girl.

Pearl’s mom leaves the room. Pearl should be happy right now; it’s her thirteenth birthday and in a couple of hours she’ll have her very own Pokemon. Instead she is feeling sad as she jumps back into her bed because there is a question she can’t answer running through her head: Why, if she was so pretty, did Blue call her ugly?

Ruby,

A blonde haired girl snores on as her sister creeps into her bedroom. Unfortunately for her sister, the girl is only pretending to be asleep. Her sister crawls over to the computer and turns it on. Just as she does that, however, the girl calls out; “get out of my room, Chloe!”

Chloe spins around in shock. “Come on, Ruby!” She pleads. “I only want to search up the Pokemon you might get!”

“You can see it when I’m gone,” Ruby says quietly. “Now get out!”

Ruby is pretty small for a thirteen year old. But with short, straight blonde hair and bright, inquisitive blue eyes nobody is going to care how small she is. Especially when they see her perfect smile.

Ruby watches Chloe run out of the room before walking over to the computer to check the time. Twenty past six. In the morning! That means she only has five hours and forty minutes before she gets her first Pokemon!

Blue

“Honey,” a brown haired woman says as Blue sits down at the old, wooden kitchen table. “There was really no need to wake us all up at six in the morning.”

“I know, mom,” Blue lunges across the table for the box of Cornflakes in front of him. “But today is probably the best day of my life.”

“You mean most important, dear,” Blue’s mom starts scratching her ear.

“Yeah, whatever.” The white haired boy starts eating his cereal. He sits up in his chair and asks; “what’s wrong with your ear?”

“What?” She looks up, distracted. “Oh, it’s just a rather odd itch. I’ll go and get your clothes for you, shall I?”

“Could you?” He asks as she leaves the small kitchen. “Thanks!”

Blue takes up a mouthful of Cornflakes with his spoon and guides it into his mouth. He wonders what his quest/adventure would have been like six years ago. Six years ago, on this very day, Red left Pallet Town to become the world’s best Pokemon trainer. Red was just ten years old when he left. Everything began to change just after he left. The rules were changed; you now have to be thirteen years of age to go off on your quest/adventure, your nearest professor is able to pick your starting Pokemon for you (due to every single trainer picker Charmander as their starting Pokemon), Kanto, Johto, Hoenn and Sinnoh Pokemon got mixed together throughout the different countries. But the hardest rule of all is that you have to get at least thirty two badges before you can challenge the elite four. As for Red, Blue had heard that he was training in Mount Silver. Blue didn’t care. Red never bothered calling his family and eventually, Red vanished out of Blue’s life. Blue and Red are brothers.

Blue pushes his nearly empty bowl of Cornflakes aside as his mom enters the room holding his clothes. “Here you go,” she says as she walks up to him. She drops his clothes on the table.

“Thanks,” Blue says quietly as he sees her taking his bowl and bringing it over to the sink. He stares at his clothes for a couple of seconds. “Mom?” He asks abruptly.

“Yes, dear?” She replies as she tries to put make up on her chubby cheek.

Blue swallows and asks her; “would Red be proud of me?”

“Well, of course!” His mom exclaims. “You two have the same birthday, remember? So he would know today is your day, right? Of course he’s proud of you!”

Blue nods and proceeds to throw on his clothes; a black Adidas tracksuit, a blue Nike polo shirt and his white Puma trainers. Blur runs upstairs and goes into his bedroom, he scans his shelves until he finds what he wants; his sleek black gloves. He puts them on and sprints downstairs. He checks his watch; half ten already! “Mom, can we go?” He asks.

“What time is it?” She glances at the clock on the kitchen wall. “Yeah, we better get out of here.”

Blue’s mom grabs her keys and ushers Blue out of the house. There is no need to set the alarm because Blue’s dad is in there. She unlocks her Mercedes and gets in. Blue opens the passenger seat door and sits down. This is his favourite car because of the smooth leather seats.

They get to the laboratory after fifteen minutes of driving. Neither of them said anything in those fifteen minutes. Blue’s mom parks the car. Blue’s mom tries to say something but the words seem to get stuck in her throat. Blue closes his eyes and leaves the car. He strolls over to the laboratory and waves at his mom before turning around and knocking on the huge brass door.

Silver

Silver is dressed in a mixture of Tommy Hilfiger jeans and a Lacoste polo shirt. “Can we go yet?” He asks his mom.

“Yes, dear.” She replies.

They leave their apartment. Silver’s mom locks it and they walk down to their car. A Nissan Micra. “Mom?” Silver inquires.

“Yes, dear?” She asks.

“Where did dad go?” Silver looks at her imploringly with his piercing blue eyes.

“You mean, after he lost to Red?” Silver nods and she sighs. “I don’t know. That all happened five years ago, Silver. I haven’t heard from him since that happened. Of course, there have been reports. Besides, the famous photographer has dedicated his life to try and find him and he hasn’t had any luck. But, Silver. You listen to me. Your father would have been the happiest man in the world to know that his son is getting his first Pokemon today.”

She starts the engine and makes the car accelerate. Silver is in deep thought. Will Whitney be there? He wonders. Probably, it’s her birthday too.

It takes them just over five minutes to reach the lab. Silver jumps out of the car and tells his mom he’ll walk home. His mom drives off and he is about to walk inside the lab when a pink haired girl bounds out of it and runs into him.

“Sorry, Silver.” She giggles.

“It’s alright, Whitney.” He grunts. “In future though, look where you’re going.” He notices the Poke Ball she is holding. “You got a Pokemon? What one?”

She blushes. “An Igglybuff.”

“Deadly!” Silver says enthusiastically.

“Thanks,” she says. “Well, I’ll see you around.”

“Yeah,” Silver says. “See you.”

Silver opens the door and enters the lab.

Pearl

“Come on, mom!” Pearl demands. “We have hardly any time left!”

“Pearl,” her mom replies. “It’s ten in the morning. You still have two hours.”

“Well, maybe I should put some make up on then,” Pearl muses to herself.

“You don’t need to, Pearl,” her mom sighs. “You’re stunning as it is.”

She is. With her nails painted red and her white Abercrombie jumper and her pink skirt, she looks stunning. “Thanks,” she says. “But can we please go?”

“Alright then,” her mom says.

They get into her car; a Porsche, and her mom starts driving. “What Pokemon would you like?” Her mom asks.

“Oh, I don’t know.” Pearl begins to wonder about what Pokemon she might get. Forty minutes later they arrive. “I’ll ring you later!” She assures her mom. She gets out of the car and watches her mom drive off. She turns around and walks over to the lab. A pink haired girl is waiting outside.

Pearl toes to open the door but the pink haired girl stops her. “Professor Oak told me to wait out here so I’ll assume it’s the same for you, I’m Whitney by the way.”

“Oh, ok.” Pearl is taken aback. “I’m Pearl.”

“Pleasure,” Whitney says.

“What?” Pearl is confused.

“It’s a pleasure meeting you.” Whitney explains.

“Pleasure’s all mine,” Pearl says.

The door opens and Professor Oak steps out. “I’ll assume you two young ladies are here for your Pokemon? Step right this way!”

Pearl enters the lab.

Ruby

Ruby adjusts her handbag for the millionth time that morning, it’s pink. Like her designer jumper.

“I really don’t approve of that skirt,” her mom says.

“Why?” Ruby asks.

“It’s way to short,” her mom frowns. “It doesn’t even reach your knees!”

“It’s nowhere near my knees,” Ruby points out.

“Exactly!” Her mom says.

“Whatever, I’m going to go and get my new Pokemon, ok?”

“Yes, dear,” her mom sighs. “But come back as soon as possible.”

Ruby leaves the house. She wonders if any boys will be there. Maybe Silver. A couple of minutes later she gets there and knocks on the huge door. Professor Oak answers. “Why, hello, Ruby!” He says. “You’re the first one here! Come on in!”

Blue

An old, grey haired man wearing a white jacket who goes by the name of Oak answers the door. “Blue! You’re one of the last ones! Step right this way!” Oak leads him to the back of the room. “Now, I had to think long and hard about you Blue. You’re very promising in school. And Red is your brother. This is in your blood. But still. Your starter Pokemon is normally everything. Do you know what Pokemon your brother started with, Blue?”

“No, Professor.” Blue answers.

“He started with a Pikachu, Blue,” Oak tells him. “And the last time I was talking to him, Pikachu and himself had the greatest bond a trainer ever had. He beat most of the champions, you know that? His rival, I forget his name now, Lance, Stephen and Cynthia were all beaten by him. But he never wanted to be league champion. Instead he trains up in Mt Silver.”

“When was the last time you talked to him?” Blue asks.

“A couple of weeks ago, we keep in contact,” Professor Oak replies. “Why?”

“I haven’t talked to him since he left.” Blue replies sullenly.

“Really?” Oak asks. “How odd. Don’t worry, I’ll tell him to contact you. Anyways, your starter Pokemon, probably your most important Pokemon. I thought long and hard before coming to the conclusion. Sentret is your Pokemon.”

“You’re not serious?” Blue’s jaw drops in disappointment.

“Of course not!” Oak laughs. “No, your Pokemon is Charmander!” Oak takes a Poke Ball from one of the shelves, presses the sleek metal button at the halfway cross between the red at the top half and the white a the bottom half. A Charmander appears from a burst of red light.

“Mander?” The Pokemon looks around. Blue gets a clear look at him now, the Pokemon resembles a red chameleon. The tip of its tail is on fire. Of course, if the fire goes out, the Pokemon dies.

“Charmander,” the professor says. “This is your new trainer. His name is Blue.”

“Come here, Charmander,” Blue clicks his fingers.

Charmander walks over to him and stands beside him. Blue crouches down and puts his hand out. Charmander puts his paw on top of Blue’s hand. “Charmander!”

Blue laughs. “I think he likes you,” Oak says. Oak looks around before lowering his voice and saying; “can you go over to my private office? It’s in that room over there, it’s just that I want to show you something.”

Blue frowns and shrugs. “Alright.” He turns to Charmander. “Come on, Charmander!” He says. Blue leads Charmander to Oak’s private office. He opens the door and enters the room.

Silver

Silver is greeted by Professor Oak as soon as he walks into the room. “Ah, Silver! Over here, please!”

Silver runs over to him. “Hey there, Professor!”

The professor ignores him and continues to scan the many shelves filled with Poke Balls. He picks one up and hands it to Silver. “Silver, you are the most promising student I have taught. But you are cold and distant as well. So I couldn’t give you a Pokemon that needs loving. But you will definitely be a brilliant trainer. I couldn’t find any Kanto Pokemon that would do you. So I decided that I would have my colleague from Johto import me one. This will probably just be a Pokemon to you, a Pokemon just for battling, a tool. But it’s not. A Pokemon needs love and dedication Silver. Unless you learn that and open up your heart, you will not go anywhere in the world of Pokemon. Do you understand?” Silver nods. “Good, you may now see your Pokemon.”

Silver presses the button on the middle of the Poke ball. “Go! Pokemon!” He shouts. A blue like crocodile is released from a beam of red. It’s skin is blue with patches of black around it’s eyes, a yellow V-like shape running from arm to arm and red triangles sprout up from his back. “It’s a Totodile!” Silver breathes. He has waited his whole life for this.

The Totodile looks up. “Toti?” It asks curiously.

Oak crouches down. “Totodile, this is your new trainer. The one I was telling you about. What do you think of him?”

Totodile stares imploringly at Silver for a couple of minutes. Then he runs up to him and climbs up to the top of his head. Silver laughs. “Hi, Totodile, I’m Silver.”

“Silver, can I ask you something?” Oak inquires.

“Sure,” Silver lifts Totodile from his head and places him back onto the ground.

“Can you go into my private office and wait for me there? It’s very important.” Oak mumbles quietly.

“Oh, eh, yeah. Sure.” Silver says. He holds up the Poke ball. “Totodile, Return!” A jet of red light sucks Totodile into the Poke ball. Silver walks up to Oak’s private office. He knows where it is because he had been called in there quite a number of times during school for various reasons. He enters the room and closes the door that was ajar.

Pearl

Pearl and Whitney follow Professor Oak to the back of his lab. “Yes,” he mumbles to himself. He takes a Poke ball from one of the bottom shelves. He turns to Whitney. “Whitney, there will be a number of times after I hand you this Poke ball where you will wonder why I chose this Pokemon for you. Don’t worry, Whitney, I had my reasons. You have to trust me on this. You have been a brilliant student and you will be a brilliant trainer, which is why I wish for you to have this.” And, so saying, he releases the Pokemon from the Poke ball. A scrawny Pokemon, shaped like a pink balloon with an afro lands on the ground.

“Iggly?” It looks up at the three humans.

“I give you Igglybuff.” Oak announces.

Whitney runs over to Igglybuff and picks her up. “Oh my God!” She shrieks. “It’s so cute! Thank you so much, Professor!”

Oak laughs. “You’re welcome, Whitney. Run along now, I’m sure your family will want to see it.”

Whitney runs out of the lab.

Oak turns to Pearl. “Pearl, did you know that you were one of the best students I ever had?”

“No, Professor.” She replies, taken aback.

Oak keeps scanning the shelves for the right Poke ball. “Well, you were. Which is why I have decided you will work the best with this Pokemon. Of course, I myself didn’t have it. But sometimes, for the sake of what’s to come, you have to acquire what you need. I got this Pokemon imported from Hoenn, Pearl.”

“For me?” She asks, flattered.

“Yes, I believe you will learn how to use this Pokemon’s ability the proper way. In battles, and other things.”

“I see.” Pearl lies.

Oak sees the correct Poke ball and grabs it from a shelf just over his head. “So I present to you, Pearl, a Ralts.” He presses the metal button on the side of the Poke ball to release a near human shaped Pokemon with a green head with two red triangles ticking out the back and front of its head and a white cloak covering the rest of its body.

“Ralts?” The confused Pokemon begins to levitate.

“Ralts, this is your new trainer, her name is Pearl.” Oak tells him.

Ralts levitates over to Pearl. “Hi,” Pearl says. “I’m going to be your trainer now. I really do want to be friends with you. If that’s ok with you?”

Ralts nods. Oak hands over the Poke ball to Pearl. “Come on in, Ralts.” Pearl presses the button and Ralts allows itself to be sucked into the Poke ball.

“Pearl?” Oak says quietly.

“Yes, professor?” Pearl looks up.

“Would you find going into my private office and waiting for me, it’s just over there. I have something else I need to show you.” Oak says discreetly.

“Ok,” Pearl says. She puts the Poke ball in her pocket and walks over to the door. She enters the room.

Ruby

“Now Ruby,” Oak starts. “You know yourself that you were a brilliant student. But I need to ask you a very important question; was there a rivalry between you and Pearl to do better in tests and other challenges?”

“No,” Ruby is confused. “Why?”

“No reason.” Oak walks to the left of the building and looks at the Poke balls, trying to find the right one for Ruby. “Ruby, you should know something. The Pokemon I got for you was imported by a fellow professor, from the Sinnoh region. I think this Pokemon completely fits you and you will grow to love it. I hope this Pokemon helps you on your quest.” He finds the right Poke ball and picks it up. “Ruby, I give you Piplup.” He presses the button on the side of the Poke ball and a blue penguin with a yellow beak and yellow feet lands on the ground.

“Piplup!” Piplup screeches.

“Hi, Piplup,” Ruby puts out her hand and allows Piplup to sniff it, when he stops sniffing her hand Oak hands Ruby the Poke ball. “I’m going to be you knew owner. You’re going to be my very first Pokemon. You are my very first Pokemon. And I want you to know that whatever happens, I just want us to be best friends. Ok?”

Piplup nods. “Good,” Ruby says. “Now, return.” Piplup vanishes.

Oak clears his throat. “Eh, can I ask a favour of you, Ruby?”

“Yeah, sure, what is it?” She asks.

“Could you wait in my private office? It’s just over there, and you might be waiting a while, but please do. It’s important. Oh, and here are the keys to let yourself in.” He hands her the keys and she nods.

She walks over to the room, unlocks the door and enters.

To be continued in…

Chapter 2 – Talking about Quests
Seen September 3rd, 2008
Posted April 30th, 2008
464 posts
15.6 Years
Chapter 2 – Talking about Quests

Ruby

The room is empty. There are five chairs. One behind the desk and four opposite it. Ruby sits down in one of the four vacant ones and throws her new Poke ball from hand to hand. Amazing that a couple of hours ago she couldn’t wait to get her Pokemon, now she has it. She has an odd feeling inside of her. Loss, she is letting go of everything now, to go on a journey with her Pokemon. But she also has a sense of triumph. Thirteen years worth or work has finally paid off!

A brown haired girl walks into the room a few minutes later. Ruby sits up. “Hi Pearl!”

“Ruby, you’re here too?” Pearl asks.

“Yeah, do you have any idea why we were sent here? I’m assuming Professor Oak sent you here as well, yeah?” Ruby asks.

“Yeah he did, but no, I really don’t have a clue.” Pearl says. “You look so pretty in those clothes you know.”

“Thanks, you too!” Ruby tells her.

Realisation kicks in. “What Pokemon did you get?” Pearl asks excitedly.

“Piplup,” Ruby tells her. “What did you get?”

“Ralts.” Pearl takes her Poke ball out of her pocket and opens it. Ralts is thrown forward from a blinding red light. “Ralts, meet Ruby.”

“Nice to meet you, Ralts.” Ruby giggles. She presses the button in the centre of her Poke ball and releases Piplup. Piplup hits the ground head first. “Oh, dear!” Ruby giggles again. “Anyway, Piplup, meet Pearl.”

“How do you do, Piplup?” Pearl asks, before the two burst into hysterics.

“Eh, can I be let in on the joke, or is it private?” A grinning purple haired boy asks.

“Silver!” Ruby shrieks. “What Pokemon did you get?” Ruby puts Piplup on her lap.

“Totodile,” Silver says casually. “Ralts and Piplup… That’s interesting.”

“Whitney got an Igglybuff,” Pearl tells him.

“I know,” he blushes. “I was, eh, talking to her.”

“You mean, flirting with her!” Pearl laughs.

“Real funny, Pearl, real funny.” Silver snaps.

An hour goes by, an hour in which Ruby, Pearl and Silver talked and laughed with each other. Blue enters the room. “Hey!” He is grinning from ear to ear.

Ruby and Silver greet him. Pearl ignores him. He turns to Pearl. “You still annoyed at me?”

“Annoyed doesn’t describe it!” She replies heatedly. Ralts levitates between them, as if trying to tell them to stop.

“Pearl, you’re totally overreacting!” Blue declares.

“You called me ugly!” Pearl looks like she might cry.

Ruby decides this might be a good time to interject a comment. “You know,” she says. “Normally, when a member of the opposite sex slags someone, it means that they like them.”

Blue is about to reply when Professor Oak enters the room. “Pokemon away please!” He asks.

Ruby and Pearl get their Pokemon back inside their Poke balls. Professor Oak sits down at the chair beside his desk and faces them. He clears his throat. “You may be wondering why I have told you to wait here for me today when I told nobody else to. The main reason is that you were the four best students in your year. So I have decided I will use you four.” He opens a drawer just under the table of his desk and takes out four red objects that look like phones. “These are the latest brand of my famous creation, the Pokedex. I designed them to look like mobile phones because they will be easier to carry around. Anyways, there are more Pokemon then ever now… Four hundred and ninety three… and counting! I want you four to get the details on all of them.”

“Even the legendaries?” Silver looks up.

“Yes. All of them. Even Mew and Arceus. It will mean you will have to travel through Kanto, Johto, Hoenn, Sinnoh, possibly Orre and the Orange Islands as well.”

“That’s alright,” Silver says. “Blue and I have to go through Kanto, Johto, Hoenn and Sinnoh to get our badges for the elite four. I don’t know about the girls though.”

“Hey, it’s a quest.” Ruby shrugs. “I’ll go with you, I might also want a few gym badges as well, you know.”

“Well, I’ll take it everybody else is going, so I may as well go with the flow.” Pearl says.

“That’s settled then!” Oak claps his hands together.

“I never said I was going to go!” Blue states.

“You’re not going?” Silver asks incredulously.

“Of course I’m going!” Blue snorts. “You just never let me say it!”

Oak sighs and gives them a Pokedex each. “Record the data in that. I will expect monthly calls.”

“Did you give my brother a new Pokedex?” Blue asks.

“Yes.” Professor Oak stands up. “You four may leave now.”

Silver

Silver watches Pearl, Blue and Ruby leave the room. Oak notices that Silver has stayed behind and says; “yes, Silver?”

Silver turns to face Oak. “Do you know my father?” He asks.

“I did know your father,” Oak says quietly.

“You mean, you haven’t heard from him for five years either?” Silver asks.

“No, Silver.” Oak sighs. “What I mean is, I did know him. But he changed about a decade ago. Sure I talked to him a couple of months ago, but no, I don not know him.”

“A few months ago?” Silver asks frantically. “Where is he professor?”

“I’m very sorry, but I’m not allowed to tell you.” Oak told him. “Your father said you would meet him at some point during your quest.”

“Tell me where he is!” Silver shouts.

“Temper, Silver.” Oak warns him.

“Go, Totodile!” Silver throws his Poke ball in mid air, Totodile lands on the ground. Silver catches the Poke ball. “Totodile, bite the professor!”

“You can’t be serious!” Oak shouts at him.

Totodile stares at his trainer, wondering the same thing.

“Very well, Silver.” Oak throws a Poke ball, a yellow and blue dog lands on its four paws. “This is Manectric, I caught him a couple of months ago. Are you sure you want to battle him with your Totodile?”

Silver ignores him and presses a couple of buttons on his Pokedex. The Pokedex begins to speak; “Manectric: Discharge Pokemon, it rarely appears before people, it is said to nest where lightning has fallen.”

Silver puts the Pokedex in his pocket and grins at Oak. “Oh, I knew you would use a rare Pokemon if I got Totodile to attack you, thus making me one up on my peers. I’m slightly smarter than you think, Professor.”

Oak chuckles. “I guess so, you may go now. Manectric, return.” Manectric allows itself to go inside the poke ball.

“Ok, bye Professor.” He gets Totodile into his Poke ball and turns to leave. When he gets to the door the professor stops him.

“Silver,” Oak says.

Silver’s hand is lying on the doorknob. “Yes, Professor?”

“You will me your dad during your quest,” Oak tells him. “I promise.”

“Thank you,” Silver leaves the room.

Pearl

Pearl leaves the room with Ruby and Blue. She doesn’t say anything.

Ruby sighs. “Look, you two have got to make up! Blue, you may as well admit that you like her, everybody knows. Pearl, it’s sort of obvious that you like him because you’re so upset by what he said. I realise this is none of my business so I will stay here and wait for Silver, who seems to be battling Professor Oak.”

Blue and Pearl walk on. Pearl doesn’t say anything. Blue takes a deep breath. “Pearl, I’m sorry, ok? It’s just, I’m really confused and I really like you… But I don’t know what to do right now.”

They leave the lab. “Blue,” Pearl sighs. “What’s wrong? Is there too much going on in your head?”

“I don’t know! This is all so hard!” He says. “Just this morning I found out that Professor Oak has been talking to my brother monthly since he left!”

Pearl puts her arm round him. “That must be pretty hard on you.”

“It is, Pearl! And now you hate me!” Blue closes his eyes. “I really just can’t do this!”

“I don’t hate you, Blue.” Pearl says softly. “And I’ll try to help you get through this. Ok?”

“Thanks,” he says.

They walk on, talking. About what? The reader can guess for him/herself, surely?

To be continued in…

Chapter 3 – Phone calls, preparations and leaving
Age 28
Male
NY
Seen January 29th, 2014
Posted January 14th, 2014
1,290 posts
15.8 Years
Gotten a lot better and longer. I'm not a big grammar person (thats hanakos specialty) but the only problem I see is how you saying who the section is about. That kind of annoys me, as if were not smart to figure out who the characters are, but you could just say things that describe Blue and silver and so on...
Why, Yes
Chris Martin is my avatar.

Safari Type: Ghost
Shuppet, Dusclops, Phantump
PM for FC
In a House
Seen March 20th, 2016
Posted January 22nd, 2010
1,823 posts
16.6 Years
Oh come now Scythemaster, must we always leave the hard parts to Hanako-sama?

Char: You and your stupid E-Japanese...

Me: Be silent, former fic reference. A-hem...

Okay, I actually like this story so far. Kudos for giving everyone a pretty distinctive personality, especially Silver (though I doubt Oak would just laugh it off when someone orders a Pokemon to bite him. 0_o) Anyway, I'd say your main problem right now is spacing. When you begin a new paragraph, hit the enter button twice in order to more evenly space out your sentences and make the story look less smashed-together.

Scythemaster is right when he says that we should know a bit more about what Pearl, Diamond, etc. look like. Be sure to interject physical description. (But don't forget to space it out- instead of saying "he had blue eyes, green hair, and he wore this that and the other" have him run a hand through his hair and describe the hair, or have one of the characters point out something about his clothing. You know, things like that. For example (And quote at thy own peril) you could have Pearl compliment Ruby's clothing by saying "Oh, that shirt is adorable!" Ruby could ask "You really think so?" and then say something like "Ruby had only bought the shirt yesterday, and while she thought that the sky-blue tee shirt with the massive heart design on the center looked interesting, she didn't know what her friends would think of it." Something like that.

An alternate method for describing characters, and my personal favorite, is to give the description before the name and keep the reader in suspense at guessing who this person is before you introduce them. For example...

A tall, gaunt man stood in the puddle of light created by the street lamp, his usually messy and unruly black hair reduced to a shiny wet mop by the pouring rain. Pulling the dark, heavy brown coat he wore around him to keep out the chill, the man shuddered. He was soaked, right down to the soles of his old leather boots and through the thick denim of his jeans. It was not the night to be caught out in the open, especially when one's clothing was practically worn out with walking. Still shuddering, the man staggered forward, looking for a place where he could find shelter. Suddenly, he stopped, coming face to face with a man in a blue uniform, one of the numerous "Officer Joes" who patrolled cities of this size.

"Haven't seen you around stranger," the officer said, suspicion dripping from his lips, "What's your name?"

The man pulled a few stray strands of hair from his face, removing obstructions to the view of his vivid blue eyes before announcing, "My name is James. James Fuhrer."

"Fuhrer, eh?" the officer inquired, his suspicions not quite alleviated, "Where are you heading, Mr. Fuhrer?"

"I'm not sure," James replied, shaking his head, "I'm not sure."
Now that was my own original composition, so NOBODY TOUCHY. Thanks. x3

Anyway, I hope you get the point of what I'm trying to say. Nice job. I didn't get a chance to see the original, but from the reviews I can safely say this was a rather nice improvement.

x x x x

Age 36
Seen 15 Hours Ago
Posted 2 Days Ago
>>; Um, you know...you could help with the grammar. Make my job easier on what I have to review... ;D

Anyhow, Lord94, I wish to congratulate you on accepting our advice to you in a mature way and learning from the reviews, improving your fic in the process. *hands over cookie cake with "Congratulations!" written on it in purple frosting*

But still, there are ways to improve.

Instead of telling us whose point of view (POV) we will be switched to, show us through narration. Like if you want to talk about Blue, describe something from his POV, like his elation at getting Charmander. Much better than telling the reader. (Show, don't tell!)

Might want to take another look at my post on proper grammar for dialogue. But that's all that I can see that looks wrong in the grammar department. (And to separate your paragraphs better, but ACC-M covered that! :3 *glomps him* Wait..."-Sama"? I'm not that special. Just "-san" would be fine, ACC-kun. :3)

Make sure that you don't just list descriptions. I'll show you with an example from a story I'm working on. Instead of me taking a character and saying from the POV of another character: "He was tall for an eleven-year-old. He had blond hair slightly covered by a white hat and his blue eyes looked at her", I did something different.

The student, a tall boy around the age of eleven, smiled at her with a gentle look in his blue eyes. She suppressed her own smile at the white hat plopped casually on his blond head. It was funny how she forgot the strange trends middle school-aged children followed after a few days from the place.
It's more interesting than just a list. Plus, later on in the story, I just casually mention an attribute of the same character again: "He ran a hand through his shaggy blond hair."

But really, you improved from what I saw last night! Be proud of yourself for that, and have more self-confidence in your writing!

Avatar credit: Fairy
Seen September 3rd, 2008
Posted April 30th, 2008
464 posts
15.6 Years
Chapter 3 – Phone calls, preparations and leaving

Silver

Silver is sitting down in his dirty living room, playing with Totodile when his Pokedex begins ringing. Silver takes it out of his pocket. It is shaped like a normal mobile phone. A screen at the top half and buttons at the bottom half. The green button is the international signal to answer or to go. Unlike the red button, which everyone can guess what it means. The screen on the Pokedex has in big block letters; OAK CALLING. Silver presses the green button. “Hello?” He says.

“Silver? This is Oak.”

“So the Pokedex is also a mobile phone?” Silver asks, genuinely interested.

“Silver, we have no time to discuss the Pokedex, I’m sorry to tell you. You have to get Blue, Ruby and Pearl and you have to leave now.” Oak says quietly and quickly.

“Professor, it’s nearly one in the morning.” Silver is really tired.

“Good for you, Silver. You have to listen to me, you have to leave now!” Oak tells him. “There is a group of Pokemon trainers that want to steal your Pokemon and abduct you four. Silver, the other three and go to Viridian City. You can contact your families and me when you get there! Silver, you have to trust me.”

“A group of trainers? Like Team Rocket?” Silver sits bolts upright.

“Yes, except that they aren’t Team Rocket.” Oak points out. “Now, ring Blue, Ruby and Pearl. Their numbers are stored in your Pokedex. Just go into contacts. Good luck, Silver.”

“I’ll talk to you when I reach Viridian City, professor.” Silver presses the red button.

Silver scrolls down his contacts, and sure enough there are four; Blue, Oak, Pearl and Ruby. Silver presses the green button when he reaches Blue. He waits for five seconds before Blue answers.

“I was wondering if this was a mobile phone as well as a Pokedex,” Blue starts the conversation. “Guess you’ve answered my question.”

“I don’t care about your curiosity.” Silver replies. “Now listen up, Oak just rang me to say that there is a group of trainers like Team Rocket and they want to take our Pokemon and abduct us. I will meet you on the brink of Pallet town in half an hour. Is that clear?”

“You know what I like about you, Silver? Your subtle ways of speaking.” Blue tells him. “I’ll be there. And if this is some sort of twisted trick, I’m going to kill you. Just so we’re clear on that, as well.”

Silver hangs up and runs a hand through his gelled, purple streaked hair. He rings Pearl next.

“I didn’t think this would actually be a mobile phone!” Pearl answers. “I’ve got to thank Professor Oak for that!”

“You can tell me your life story later,” Silver tries to get Totodile to be quiet, who had been screeching for the last minute or so because he wasn’t receiving enough attention. “Right now you have to listen to me, ok?”

“Fine,” a bored girl on the other end of the line says.

“Professor Oak just rang me,” Silver explains. “There is some group of trainers – like Team Rocket, only worse – and they want to take our Pokemon and abduct us. We have to leave Pallet Town now. We’ll call your family once you reach Viridian City, ok?”

“Silver, you must be crazy,” Pearl replies.

“Pearl, we don’t have time for this. You have to come.”

“I never said I wasn’t coming, I just said that you are crazy,” Pearl says.

“Thanks, Pearl.” Silver says sarcastically. “Meet us at the brink of Pallet town in half an hour.”

“I’ll see you then,” Pearl hangs up.

Last is Ruby. “Is this Silver?” She sounds annoyed.

“Yeah,” he says.

“Never call me again, a girl needs her beauty sleep,” Ruby tells him.

“Ruby, this is serious,” Silver groans.

“Not serious enough to interrupt my sleep, I’m sorry to say. Goodbye, Silver.” Ruby says abruptly.

“Oak rang me! This is serious!” Silver shouts.

“I’m listening,” Ruby tells him, suddenly interested.

“He said there is a group of trainers coming – they’re like Team Rocket – and they want to take our Pokemon and abduct us.” Silver tells her.

“How does he know this?” Ruby asks.

“I don’t know, I didn’t ask him. Why?” Silver is suspicious.

“Just wondering, who are they? The group, I mean.” Ruby is starting to annoy Silver now.

“I don’t know! I didn’t ask him! Look, you have twenty five minutes to get to the brink of Pallet Town.” Silver says.

“What, the brink of Pallet Town?” Ruby is confused now. “Silver, what the Hell is going on?”

“A lot of stuff, apparently,” Silver says in an undertone. “Right, we have to get to Viridian City because those trainers are coming and they want to take our Pokemon, now, when we get to Viridian you can ring your family. Speed seems to be the most important thing right now. You have twenty minutes.”

Silver hangs up. He makes Totodile go back into his Poke ball and goes into the kitchen. His five newly purchased Poke balls are laying on the table. He grabs them and hooks them onto his belt. Who knows? Maybe on his way to Viridian he’ll get to catch a new Pokemon. Now, he makes sure his mom isn’t downstairs. She isn’t. Silver leaves his house.

It takes him just over ten minutes to reach the brink. The brink, as everyone knows, is just beside Professor Oak’s laboratory. It is a massive hill, where you can get a view of the whole of Pallet Town. At the top of that hill is the route one. The road to Viridian. Nobody else is here. Silver sits down on a nearby rock and begins to wait for them. It is nearly pitch black now, Silver guesses fifteen minutes has gone past since he left the house. The wind is beginning to pick up now, and it starts to hit against Silver’s worn out face every couple of seconds. The boy throws a Poke ball and a blue-like crocodile comes out of it in a burst of red.

“Make me warmer, Totodile!” Silver commands with no hope in his voice.

Totodile looks up at him as if to say; “I’m sorry, that’s not possible.”

Ruby,

Ruby arrives at the brink of Pallet Town to see a figure and a crocodile beside a rock in the dark light. She guesses it is Silver and Totodile, but she releases Piplup, just in case it isn’t.

“Nice to know somebody can make it,” Silver says bitterly.

“Thanks,” Ruby responds. “I feel so welcome. Look, Silver, what the Hell is going on?”

Silver shakes his head. “If I knew the answer to that you would be the first person I would tell.”

Blue and Pearl arrive together, accompanied by Charmander and Ralts. They walk up to Silver and Ruby. Ruby breaks the silence; “will we go?”

“To the start of a quest!” Blue says.

The others laugh. They begin to walk with their Pokemon. Silver realises this is safe, nobody is going to attack them.

“That’s the kid the boss wants!” A voice calls out from the shadows.

The four kids and their Pokemon begin to run.

To be continued in…

Chapter 4 – Route one, the way to Viridian City

Rukario

Banned

Somewhere in Ilex Forest
Seen April 6th, 2019
Posted March 17th, 2019
7,587 posts
20.7 Years
member was only temp-banned, reopening again. (due back on Nov. 21)
Age 31
Male
Santa Isabel, Mexico
Seen July 7th, 2018
Posted February 2nd, 2016
4,000 posts
18.9 Years
I still don't believe this should remain open, as the author is unable to proceed with or without feedback.

In order to avoid undesired posts, this will be locked again and will be re-opened when the author requests it as long as the evaluator posting permissions are in queue. A PM will be issued to Lord94 on 21/11/07.
虎穴に入らずんば虎子を得ず
Seen September 3rd, 2008
Posted April 30th, 2008
464 posts
15.6 Years
Chapter 4 – Route one, the way to Viridian City

Blue,
Blue sprints, trying to keep up with his friends. Who was the person that shouted? What kid did the boss want? There were four of them. The boss only wants one. Who is the boss? Blue’s shoe smashes into a rock. He trips and lands face down in a muddy puddle. He tries to get up, but somebody is holding him down. Is this it? Is Blue going to get drowned, just like that? Blue feels his head being released by whoever was holding him. He gets up and gasps for air. A couple of seconds later he regains his senses and sees a burly man with his hands up to his eyes, screaming.

“The Charmander attacked me! I’m blind!” The man sinks to his knees.

“Good work Charmander!” Blue nods at his Pokemon.

As Blue turns around another man comes up from behind the man that Charmander attacked. “Get up Italia! You’re perfectly fine! And you’re letting the kids get away!”

Blue begins to sprint again. Charmander can’t keep up. Blue tracks back to him and picks him up. Blue runs. Where are Pearl, Ruby and Silver? Have they been taken? Blue looks around. Then he hears a noise that makes him stop in fright.

“Go, Larvitar!” The man known as Italia throws a Poke ball, releasing a green rock shaped like a human that is about four times smaller than an adult. The Pokemon lands on the ground. It looks exhausted. “Larvitar, bite that Charmander!”

Larvitar begins to run at them as Italia begins to laugh. Blue is no idiot, and he knows that Charmander won’t win if he begins to battle Larvitar. So what do you do when your friends have abandoned you, a crazy Larvitar is about to kill your Charmander and an odd man named Italia attacks you? You brace yourself. Blue looks at his Charmander, they nod to each other. Blue can’t believe this is it. He’s going to lose his Pokemon, after everything he has done. It is so unfair!

“Totodile, water gun!” A familiar purple haired boy and blue crocodile must have run back to help Blue! The water hits Larvitar in the face. Larvitar is thrown backwards and hits a rock, which causes him to stop flying through the air. Larvitar gets up and lunges for Charmander. Charmander jumps out of the way and Totodile uses his water gun attack again. Larvitar falls over. Charmander measures the facts, he can make it, can’t he? Sure, he’ll end up fainting, but if that’s what he has to do to protect his trainer, so be it.

“Mander!” Charmander jumps onto Totodile’s head and jumps off it so that he lands beside Larvitar, who has just got back up on his feet. Charmander grabs Larvitar’s hands and pulls Larvitar closer. “Mander, man!” Charmander screams at Totodile.

Totodile understands Charmander’s plan now. Blue, Silver and Italia watch the three Pokemon. Totodile uses water gun. It hits both Larvitar and Charmander, causing both to faint. Charmander’s plan is successful.

Italia stomps over to where Larvitar is lying down and kicks him. “Stupid Pokemon!”

Silver runs over to Italia and starts hitting him. “Don’t ever hit a Pokemon again!” Silver punches Italia in the face. Blood spurts out of Italia’s mouth.

“You’ll pay for that, Silver!” Italia shouts. Italia rugby tackles Silver to the ground.

While the two of them fight in the mud, Blue turns to Totodile. “Totodile, help your master out! Use bite on Italia or whatever his name is!”

Totodile nods. He bites Italia in the head. Blue thinks he sees a burst of red light coming from Silver’s hand. What the Hell? Italia screams and jumps up. “Where’s Larvitar?”

Silver rises up and starts brushing dirt off himself. “He must’ve run off.” Silver says coolly.

Italia runs in the opposite direction; back to Pallet Town. Blue runs up to Silver. “Where are Ruby and Pearl?” He asks.

“I don’t know,” Silver says. “I ran back to help you.”

Blue walks over to Charmander. “You did good buddy, return!” Charmander is put back inside his Poke ball. Blue thinks for a second before exclaiming; “there was a second guy with Italia!”

Silver gets the hint. “Pearl and Ruby!”

They begin to run.


Pearl,

Pearl is carrying Ralts, it starts to rain. She can feel the raindrops battering off her cute, angelic face. She hears Ruby scream.

Pearl turns around. “Ruby?” She calls out to the overwhelming darkness.

“Ekans, attack the Piplup!” Pearl hears a voice from the distance call. The voice sounds like a man’s. Piplup… Ruby’s Piplup! Somebody was attacking Piplup.

“Ralts, find that Ekans and use confusion on it!” Pearl whispers.
Ralts nods and floats over to the east. Pearl follows. A couple of seconds later she sees a man, cloaked in a black robe with a hood that covers his face. She sees the Ekans tackling and biting Piplup. Ralts jumps into the action and uses confusion. Ekans is lifted into the air and thrown into his trainer. The purple and yellow snake bounces off of his trainer and into the dirt. Pearl glances at Ruby, who looks tired, soaking and determined.

“Piplup, water gun!” Ruby commands.

A jet of water smashes into Ekans, who is still lying in the water. He is thrown backwards, while skimming of the ground a couple of times.

“You think you can beat me? I have two other Pokemon, way stronger than Ekans is!” The black cloaked man says. He makes Ekans return before he takes out another Poke ball and says; “go, Murkrow!” He releases the Pokemon.

Pearl knows that Murkrow is super effective against her Ralts, what should she do now?

“Murkrow, use pursuit on Ralts!” The man shouts.

Two boys run into the scene, a Totodile accompanies them. The purple haired one says; “Totodile, bite that Murkrow!”

Totodile follows orders and bites Murkrow as the black bird tries to fly over to Ralts.

“Piplup, water gun!” Ruby commands for a second time.

“Pip!” Water gushes from her beak. Murkrow receives a direct hit and smashes back down into the ground.

“Murkrow, get up and use peck!” The man commands. While he watches Murkrow struggle back into the air he takes another Poke ball from his pocket and gets ready to use it. Murkrow gets hit by another water gun and falls, in an arch, to the ground. The man looks up and says; “Murkrow, remember the move we worked on, Kamikaze? Use it on that Ralts!”

Murkrow is suddenly filled with determination to show his owner he is a stronger Pokemon than everybody thinks. He rises into the air, dodges a water gun and finds his target. He flies over to Ralts, grabs him and takes him up into the air.

“Ralts!” Pearl screams.

Blue watches the commotion before deciding what he should do. He quickly begins to run at the man. Murkrow brings Ralts about two hundred feet into the air before dropping him. Blue punches the man across the face. The man retaliates and kicks him, Blue bends down in pain. The man kicks him across the face. Blue feels himself smashing into the wet ground. Ralts hit the ground, Pearl sees that he has fainted and makes him return. The Murkrow hits the ground like a bullet, he had fainted a hundred feet up in the air due to exhaustion.

The man makes Murkrow return and says; “Just a weak Totodile and a Piplup left, this is too easy! Hold on, you two must’ve beaten Italia!”

“That’s right,” Silver says.

Blue gets up and rushes over to his friends. The man throws another Poke ball into the air. “Go, Jolteon!” A yellow and white cat is thrown forward from a burst of red light. He lands on all four feet.

“Jolt!” The Pokemon screams.

“Jolteon, use Thundershock on Piplup and Totodile!” The man orders.

Jolteon jumps up and allows beams of electricity to go through her and hit both Totodile and Piplup. Silver and Ruby both know that it is super effective. The two water Pokemon faint. Ruby and Silver make them return to their Poke balls.

The man laughs before saying; “I won, hand over your Pokemon and come with me.”

“Actually, I don’t think we’ll be doing that,” Silver takes out another Poke ball. “Because I have one last Pokemon!” He throws the other Poke ball. “Go, Larvitar!”

The rock Pokemon lands on the ground and looks up at Silver. “Larvi?” It asks.

“That’s Italia’s Pokemon!” The man exclaims. “You stole it!”

“That’s right, I grabbed his Poke ball during our fist fight and when Totodile bit Italia, I made Larvitar return when no one was looking,” Silver looks pretty proud of himself. “And I am sure you know that none of your electric attacks will work on Larvitar, so you may as well give up.”

The man snorts. “Give up? I think not! Jolteon, use quick attack!”

Silver sighs, “Larvitar, use rock slide!”

Larvitar hurls rocks at Jolteon. Jolteon doesn’t manage to dodge them and gets hit by four rocks. “If I do that again your Jolteon will faint.” Silver comments. “Larvitar, rock slide again!”

Larvitar nods and throws more rocks at Jolteon, Jolteon dodges the first one, but gets hit by the next six ones. Jolteon collapses. The man gasps and makes her return. “You will regret doing that, Silver. Our paths will cross again. I can assure you that. Goodbye, children, for now.” With that, he laughs evilly and runs back in the direction of Pallet Town.

The four kids watch him. “Should we stop him and bring him to the police?” Pearl asks.

“With a Larvitar as our back up?” Silver looks at her. “I think not.”

Ruby detects the fear in Silver’s voice. “What’s wrong?” She asks him.

“That man, and Italia, they were both looking for one kid. They both knew my name, and none of you said it when they were attacking us. I think they want me.”

“Why did Larvitar obey you?” Blue asks him after a couple of seconds of silence.

“I don’t think Italia respected him very much,” Silver begins to walk and the other follow suit. “I think all Larvitar wanted was a proper trainer, now he has one.”

“Look!” Even in the pitch black darkness, Pearl can still see Viridian City in front of them. “We’re nearly there!”

“Finally, I guess we’ll stay in the Pokemon Center for the night, yeah?” Blue says.

Ruby shrugs, “where else can we go?”

They have reached Viridian City.

Their quest has started.

To be continued in…

Chapter 5 – Viridian City
In a House
Seen March 20th, 2016
Posted January 22nd, 2010
1,823 posts
16.6 Years
*Casts a magic spell causing "welcome back Lord94" banners to appear everywhere*


Alright, now that the niceties are out of the way I can get back to yelling at you to compensate for my lack of any real occupation. XD

We'll start with the basics and move on...

1) What part of spacing did you not understand? Hit the Enter key TWICE between paragraphs like I do when I review you. Your fanfic looks much neater, but more importantly, it is LONGER. XD

2) Good job keeping the verb tense consistent, but present tense just ain't my cup of tea. Isaac_Gravity is the only fanfic author I know who writes in present tense who is not in the revision bin. Even then, he has a lot of trouble making the story understandable. I'd say for a rookie like you, past tense is preferable. If you want to see how to make a present-tense story flow (albeit very confusingly in some parts) I suggest that you check out Isaac_Gravity's fic "Distanced Hurricane", located right here in the forums. (You'll probably have to go back quite a few pages to find it. I was the only reviewer. xD)

3) No. Any average kid is not going to be able to deck a full-grown man unless he's crazy strong. And stealing a Pokemon from somebody and having it obey you right off the bat? That's just plain silliness. The trick was very "Silver-y" and gives a good idea of his personality, but having Larvitar be able to fight right after fainting and obeying Silver's commands for no apparent reason is just a little too much of a logic break. Correct that, please and thank you?

4) Too much dialogue, not enough wordiness. Elaborate on your descrptions. Not just "an olive green coat", make it "a long, flowing coat of a distinctly olive green color with golden buttons and a golden fringe atop the shoulders". See what I mean? Space out the talking a bit more.

That pretty much sums it up for now. See yaz!

x x x x

In a House
Seen March 20th, 2016
Posted January 22nd, 2010
1,823 posts
16.6 Years
Pretty much, yeah.

Oh, and don't forget that there are other ways to escape the bad guys then beating them. My personal favorite? Screw the rules and run like heck. Don't forget that these are nasty people you're fighting, and your characters don't have to play by the rules unless they've got a moral objection to cheating a little bit. Silver would definitely pull a trick like that, I should think.

Edit: Whoops, missed some other chapter edits.

Okay, the reason given for Larvitar was still a bit poor. I mean, how does it know Silver will respect it? The guy's a thief, after all. If Silver saved it from a landslide, then maybe I'd understand it. Have you considered just having Larvitar attack indiscriminately and without orders?

Oh, and it's a common misconception that rock-type Pokemon are immune to electric attacks. Pure rock types, like Nosepass and Cranidos, take normal damage from electric moves. Geodude, Onix, and certain others are immune because of their ground typing, not their rock typing. So technically, unless I'm very much mistaken, Larvitar is not immune to electrical attacks. Just thought I'd add that in.

Otherwise, good job there. Oh, and one last thing: remember that Pokemon are not robots, and even the Pokemon belonging to the trainers may have objections to certain orders. (Though I can definitely see a Pokemon belonging to Silver having no qualms with attacking a human.) Pokemon also don't need to be ordered to use attacks, wild Pokemon do it on their own all the time. Anyway, thanks for the edits and the honest attempt. Just keep getting better!

x x x x

Seen September 3rd, 2008
Posted April 30th, 2008
464 posts
15.6 Years
Chapter Five - Viridian City

Pearl,

Pearl raises her hand to cover her eyes as dawn strikes her face, she allows the sunlight to focus on her eyes for a few seconds before jumping out of her indigo sleeping bag. She twirls round so she is facing her pallid bag. Pearl seizes her sleeping bag and commences stuffing it into her empty school bag. She glances at Ruby, who is snoring away and smiles before treading carefully over to the slumbering teenager. Pearl reaches Ruby and starts shaking her. Ruby’s eyes snap open and she glares at Pearl.

“I told you last night not to wake me up!” Ruby snaps as she rolls out of her crimson sleeping bag and begins folding it. She neatly puts it inside her jade bag and stands up so she can look the coal colour haired girl eye to eye.

“You did, didn’t you?” Pearl responds sweetly. She stares at the soft, muted city in front of the two girls. For a city it seems faint and discarded, as if forgotten in a carefree world. The cherry coloured roofs of most houses are becoming more and more crimson every day. The azure buildings, the Poke mart and Pokemon Gym amongst others, are becoming paler and paler each day, and have nearly turned white. The boulevards running through the city have taken away its beauty. The pastures seem bare, desolate and in need of some proper farming. “Welcome to Viridian City.” Pearl comments wryly.

“Isn’t this meant to be the most beautiful city in Kanto?” Ruby inquires, muddled. She harvests her bag around her arms and embarks on getting to the Pokemon Center. She shivers, becoming conscious of the fact that it’s pretty chilly.

“I don’t care,” Pearl mumbles swiftly. “I say we should just go to the Pokemon Center and get our Pokemon.”

“Alright,” Ruby concurs. The two start striding to the Pokemon Center that Blue had sprinted to the night before with their Pokemon. Silver had gone off by himself because he desired to be by himself for a while.

The pair reach the aged Pokemon Center and cross into the threshold. They distinguish a washed out boy sitting on a chair beside a door. Pearl scuttles over to him, “Blue! How are our Pokemon doing?”

Blue stares at her eye to eye before turning away and saying heroically; “I’m sorry, we did everything we could, but, your Ralts didn’t get the heart. The Zigzagoon did.”

“What?” Pearl’s perplexed.

“Just kidding with you,” Blue chortles. He proceeds to imitate Nurse Joy’s voice. “Thank you for waiting, your Pokemon are now fully healed.”

Ruby laughs merrily and they sit down on vacant chairs beside Blue.

Silver,

“Silver, is that you?” A recognisible voice asks.

Silver whips around, his mauve coat flowing against the wind. “Whitney!” He welcomes her existence. “How are you, and why are you here?”

Her cerise hair matches her clothes. All pink. Silver think to himself before he shakes back into reality. “I’m good, I got here two nights ago. As for why I’m here, I want to battle you.”

Silver runs his hands through his lilac hair and says; “I’ll battle you, but how did you know I was here?”

Whitney shrugs, “Blue told me. I also took the liberty of taking your Pokemon from him for you.” She threw over the two red and white spheres.

“Thanks,” Silver says. “What time is it?”

“I’m not sure, about seven O’ Clock,” Whitney replies.

Silver looks around, it looks about dawn as well. “Ok, the rules. Two on two, assuming you have two Pokemon.”

“Which I do, continue.” Whitney instructs.

“That’s it.” Silver grins.

The two step backwards a few steps. Whitney summoned Chikorita to the field. A bottle green coloured Pokemon lands on the ground, it’s about the size of a Totodile but has its four legs on the ground, like a dog and a leaf on the top of it’s head.

Silver grabs his Poke ball and sends out Larvitar. The rock lands on the grass surface of the ground and stares at his opposition. The two Pokemon circle each other for a few minutes.

Silver smirks. “Larvitar, use Bite!”

The Larvitar springs up from the ground and aims itself at the Chikorita. The grass Pokemon evades the attack and uses its Razor Leaf attack. Countless leaves start battering against Larvitar’s body. He is thrown across the ground and lands fifty yards away from the Chikorita. Larvitar shakes himself as the Chikorita closes in and dodges the next Razor Leaf attack before trying his Bite technique, and succeeding. Larvitar clamps his teeth around the side of Chikorita’s head. Chikorita screams in pain and uses Razor Leaf again. Larvitar slides across the ground and doesn’t get up. Chikorita collapses in a heap and refuses to rise, as well.

“I guess that’s a stalemate,” Whitney says. “Chikorita, return. You did well.”

A blue crocodile and a pink blob enter the scene.

“Totodile, Water Gun!” Silver commands.

Totodile inhales a deep breath just as Igglybuff starts singing a song. Totodile falls to the ground in a forced slumber.

“Igglybuff, Pound attack!”

Silver wills Totodile to wake up but it isn’t happening. He watches his Pokemon get pounded for about two minutes non stop before he knows Totodile isn’t sleeping from an enchanted sleep. Totodile’s fainted.

Silver gets his Pokemon to return and turns to Whitney. “Good battle. But mark my words, next time we battle, I’ll win.”

Whitney nods, spins around and walks away.

To be continued in…

Chapter Six – City Tour.
In a House
Seen March 20th, 2016
Posted January 22nd, 2010
1,823 posts
16.6 Years
I know this is nitpicking, but Larvitar is Rock/Ground Type.
And now I just feel silly. *sweatdrops* I thought that it was Dark/Rock like TTar, but I guess it has a typing switch. Whoopsies!

x x x x

Alter Ego

that evil mod from hell

Age 35
Touhou land, grazing danmaku all the way
Seen August 8th, 2010
Posted June 4th, 2010
5,751 posts
17.9 Years
Okay, let's try this again and hope that my computer will be less rabid this time, m'kay? 'Kay. *Deep breath*

First of all, some general notes. This is my first time reading through your fanfic and I haven't read any of the earlier versions, so there's no way for me to know how much or little you have improved from the original. Moving on...

Alright, formating. I notice that you've written your latest chapters in standard, uncolored font. This is good because it makes your fic easy to read on all layouts, and easy readability is always a plus. On the front of things that are not so good, however, I notice that you're still using colored comic sans MS on the earlier ones.

I just have to ask: why? Please go edit those tags out right away. It's a five-minute fix that makes your fic look a lot more professional.

Second, I agree wholeheartedly with Scythe-kun's remark about the names you bring out at every change of viewpoint. When such a change occurs, it should become obvious from your narration so highlighting it is just pointless and disruptive for your story. (And yes, certain readers may find the notion of spelling things out for them in this way insulting)

Third, titling. Always think your titles over carefully. It should be descriptive of what happens in the chapter, yes, but again you shouldn't spell things out for your reader. If just glancing at the title lets your reader divine the entire contents of that chapter, then their curiosity for said chapter will have been efficiently butchered in the process. Allude to the contents of your chapter, hint at things, be a bit poetic, but never EVER spell out the contents. Also, do keep in mind that you don't have to title your chapters. No title is better than a flat one.

And as a last general note: I'm going to have to agree with ACC here. This is a very difficult tense you have chosen to work with. The present tense has some merits to its name, and yes, when used right it can create a unique narrative style, but more often than not it's just going to explode in your face and the results...aren't that pretty, to be honest. Given that, by your own admission, you're already experiencing problems with this fic, I'd strongly suggest a past tense narrative. It's a far easier form to handle and in most cases works just as well as present tense. Readers will also be more familiar - and thus probably more comfortable with - fics written in past tense. Present tense is interesting, but unless there's some specific effect you seek to establish by using it (one that you can't achieve any other way) then I'd really suggest not punishing yourself with this. Present tense will still be there for you to experiment with later on anyway. :3

Now then, comments by chapter:

Chapter 1:

It’s still dusk, he can tell.
How can he tell? Is it the lighting? Does he have a handy dandy window to look out through? Does he have a digital clock to confirm that? Or is he just in possession of a supernatural power that lets him tell the time of the day instinctively? Please elaborate here. You can also use this to prod in some description of the room. (E.g. (and sorry, but I don't do present tense narrative) "It was still dusk, he could tell by the pale sliver of moonlight that shone in from between the curtains, illuminating the [Insert descriptive adjectives here] floor of his room) And while we're on this note:

He groans again. He leaves his bed and walks around his room. Blue stops to look at his reflection in the mirror. Spiky white hair, brown eyes and a slightly crooked nose. Still, for a thirteen year old, he is pretty small. He walks away from the mirror but doesn’t bother getting back into his four poster bed, the main reason being he thinks he is too excited to go back to sleep. Today is the day he turns thirteen, he isn’t really that excited about being thirteen. No, he’s excited because when you turn thirteen you are able to get your first Pokemon and start on your quest to become whatever you want to be in the Pokemon world. Blue checks his Rolex; it’s four in the morning. He groans for the third time before collapsing on his bed. Maybe, just maybe, he will be able to drift off to the land of sleep.
Okay, ACC already brought up the point of dynamic description briefly, but I'm going to build on that a little. This paragraph has a fairly detailed description in it, which is good, but the description is presented in short, choppy sentences, which is not good. I mean, if I told you a story about how I went to the supermarket. The supermarket has a yellow logo with red text on it. And opened the supermarket door. The door was of a greyish white color. And stepped inside. And then I closed the door behind me. And if told you each and every thing I did in that store. With a full stop after each action. And after each description. It would be a very tedious read.

See? Those full stops got quite annoying after a while of reading that, didn't they? Obviously you don't want to annoy your reader, so to fix this you should merge descriptions. Let them flow into each other, mixing static descriptions (appearances etc.) with dynamic ones (descriptions of motion and actions in general) to create that feeling that the story is going forward (as opposed to just standing still as it feels at the moment). To exemplify:

Groaning once more, Blue got up on his feet, taking a few aimless steps until his eyes fell on a mirror. For a few moments, he inspected the reflection with its spiky, white hair and the light brown eyes staring back at him from both sides of the slightly crooked nose.
See what I mean about description merging? Depending on how you handled the whole 'it's still dusk' thing there's also a slight logic break here, since making out his appearance in such detail would require a fair bit of lighting in the room.

Also, though you say that Blue is feeling anxious, I'm just not feeling it in your narrative. There's more to conveying that than just saying "he was feeling anxious". Allude to it by having him keep checking the time and use terms and phrases with connections to anxiety. This is what we lit.analysis geeks call a 'semantic field'. Though the information content of several words and expressions may be practically identical, they often have very different collocations (associations), and if you consciously pick terms with similar associations, the association will be passed on to your reader without the actual word you're alluding to even needing to be there.

A purple-haired boy is being shaken awake by his mom. “W-What?” He asks feebly.
Hiphon needed here, unless you meant that the whole boy (as opposed to just hair) is purple. Also, do note that the point about dynamic description applies to more than just the one specific place where I commented about it. It's just as relevant here.

Indeed she is; with black hair swimming down to the tips of her shoulders, stunning green eyes and a gorgeous smile. A perfect thirteen year old girl.
Okay, important point: always make sure to avoid subjective use of language like this unless you plan on using a clearly biased narrator. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, as is perfection, so value-laden terms like this just shouldn't be used unless you're clearly placing them in the mouth of a biased character.

Ruby is pretty small for a thirteen year old. But with short, straight blonde hair and bright, inquisitive blue eyes nobody is going to care how small she is. Especially when they see her perfect smile.
Again, you have a huge chunk of description smack dab in the middle of your narrative. The effect is sort of like a road block, so please spread that around the actions.

Blue takes up a mouthful of Cornflakes with his spoon and guides it into his mouth. He wonders what his quest/adventure would have been like six years ago. Six years ago, on this very day, Red left Pallet Town to become the world’s best Pokemon trainer. Red was just ten years old when he left. Everything began to change just after he left. The rules were changed; you now have to be thirteen years of age to go off on your quest/adventure, your nearest professor is able to pick your starting Pokemon for you (due to every single trainer picker Charmander as their starting Pokemon), Kanto, Johto, Hoenn and Sinnoh Pokemon got mixed together throughout the different countries. But the hardest rule of all is that you have to get at least thirty two badges before you can challenge the elite four. As for Red, Blue had heard that he was training in Mount Silver. Blue didn’t care. Red never bothered calling his family and eventually, Red vanished out of Blue’s life. Blue and Red are brothers.
Again, less beating your reader over the head with the information and more working it in as it becomes relevant. Do we really need to get to know about the sibling thing right now? That would have been a lovely surprise to reveal later on. The badge rule is just plain insane. Thirty-two? What, go to all the four regions or it's nothing? I'm...just not convinced about such a radical shift from canon. The everyone picking Charmander thing sounds sort of unreal too. I mean, there will only be so many Charmanders so the others will have to be picked by those who didn't come there in time for the manders. Why did league authorities see fit to quadruple league entry requirements all of a sudden, anyway? Explanation, please.

They get to the laboratory after fifteen minutes of driving. Neither of them said anything in those fifteen minutes.
And now you're suddenly doing past tense? Whatever you go with, be consistent about it.

Silver is dressed in a mixture of Tommy Hilfiger jeans and a Lacoste polo shirt. “Can we go yet?” He asks his mom.

“Yes, dear.” She replies.
Gonna' have to say...these people have very well-trained parents. All of them are just being meek and obedient about everything. Sort of...disturbing, actually. o.O

They leave their apartment. Silver’s mom locks it and they walk down to their car. A Nissan Micra. “Mom?” Silver inquires.
What? Does Silver own part of the apartment too? If not, then it's not their appartment. Also, a brand is no substitute for description; I for one have a terrible head for those, so to me the words 'Nissan Micra' don't mean anything, neither do all these clothing brands. If you're going to describe, describe in words that explain it for anyone.

“You mean, after he lost to Red?” Silver nods and she sighs. “I don’t know. That all happened five years ago, Silver. I haven’t heard from him since that happened. Of course, there have been reports. Besides, the famous photographer has dedicated his life to try and find him and he hasn’t had any luck. But, Silver. You listen to me. Your father would have been the happiest man in the world to know that his son is getting his first Pokemon today.”
This just looks so...incoherent, first she's saying that there are reports then the next time she's trying to convince her that there's nothing you can do about finding info. I think some restructuring is in order here. I mean...could you really picture an actual person talking like this? o.O

She is. With her nails painted red and her white Abercrombie jumper and her pink skirt, she looks stunning. “Thanks,” she says. “But can we please go?”
Yeah, whatever Sue...stop rubbing your mind-blowing beauty into the combined faces of us poor mortals. Stunning, stunning, beautiful, perfect...does the narrator have some kind of crush on Pearl or something? She's getting praise heaped on her all the time and I think we got the point already. xP

They get into her car; a Porsche, and her mom starts driving. “What Pokemon would you like?” Her mom asks.

“Oh, I don’t know.” Pearl begins to wonder about what Pokemon she might get. Forty minutes later they arrive. “I’ll ring you later!” She assures her mom. She gets out of the car and watches her mom drive off. She turns around and walks over to the lab. A pink haired girl is waiting outside.
Run, children! It's the nefarious "What pokémon do you like?" conversation! *Holds up correctional marker* Begone, spawn of genericness!

Ahem, my personal biases aside: avoid repetitions like this. Right after someone asks her what pokémon she'd like to get, we get to know that she's thinking about just that...talk about the glaringly obvious. If you already have the question and she's answering it then it's self-evident that she's also thinking about it. Thus, the latter is needlessly hammering the information into the reader's head. This would be okay in a children's book, but assuming that you aren't aiming there it's not really a good move. Careful with those.

“I really don’t approve of that skirt,” her mom says.

“Why?” Ruby asks.

“It’s way to short,” her mom frowns. “It doesn’t even reach your knees!”

“It’s nowhere near my knees,” Ruby points out.

“Exactly!” Her mom says.

“Whatever, I’m going to go and get my new Pokemon, ok?”

“Yes, dear,” her mom sighs. “But come back as soon as possible.”
Well, apparently her mom doesn't disapprove too much, seeing as how she just drops it after one 'no'. Like I said before: do all of their parents have to be complete pushovers? It's like the kids are running the households. I know if I sassed my mum like that, I wouldn't get out of it that easy, and I'm way older than Ruby. o.o This is a lovely little household scene, but you're just popping the argument before it even has the time to get good, which is a pity. .__.

Ruby leaves the house. She wonders if any boys will be there.
What? In the house she just left? Erm...I doubt it. Remember, words like "there" always refer to the last suitable object, in this case Ruby's house.

Oak turns to Pearl. “Pearl, did you know that you were one of the best students I ever had?”
Okay, is he seriously planning on saying that to everyone? Mr.Oak, you are such a bad liar. xP


General impression of the chapter...just messy, to be honest. It's like, you seem to have a huge amount of material here, some of it actually very good. Pearl (despite the annoying abundance of praise in her description) really seems to exhibit personality nicely enough here, the others...not as much yet. Similarly, you seem to have some manner of backstory for each of your characters.

The problem? You don't seem to have put that much thought into the presentation. The impression I got when reading this was that you just started plowing through your material every which way, dropping a bit of this backstory here, a bit of another there, some physical descriptions here, some emotional there, some dialogue every once in a while, but no real coherent whole. The constant viewpoint jumps annoyed me because they kept the narrative from focusing on any one of the characters in the kind of depth I would have wanted. Seeing this many characters introduced in one go is also pretty overwhelming and having Oak come open the door for each and every one of them in turn just felt tedious and repetitive.

How to say...rather than trying to cover all of the characters in one go, try to focus on one or possibly two at a time and then work the others in as the story progresses. If you look at any given piece of published fiction, this is the technique the apply there as well. In series with large casts (Digimon comes to mind, since I just watched that xD) the early part typically has one episode devoted to the concerns of each main character, which is pretty much the clearest example of sorting out the main plot versus backstory conflict by spreading the latter out among the former. The point of this technique is to avoid confusing your reader/viewer early on (because seeing all these subplots unravel at the same time is just overwhelming) and to help keep the plot in focus. Besides, this is a long writing task you have in front of you, so when you get further ahead I think you'll be glad to have a source of untapped character development to delve into. Not to mention that if only one big personal conflict gets tackled per chapter, it will garner a lot more attention from the reader. :3

For this chapter, rather than going through the morning routines of each character in turn, I'd say split it between one or two and have them take the stage here. The others can be introduced indirectly (one character running into the other etc.) or preferably - since they're all assembling in Oak's room - introduce the rest in the beginning of the next chapter. Blue and Pearl would seem like the best candidates for this one since they have the whole 'ugly' thing as a common link. Also, since Blue is thinking about Red while Pearl encounters Whitney, this gives you a chance to introduce some of the others indirectly without making too big a deal of them yet.

And yes, I can see that you planned out a small speech from Oak to each and every one of them, but seeing all of them one after the other like this creates too much of a déja vu experience. You can always have a character flashback about it later on as necessary. They're handy things...flashbacks. Most importantly, however: you need to cut down on the number of perspectives. This many is pretty extreme even for a fic as a whole, but for a single chapter it's just going completely overboard. @[email protected]

So yeah, the big points for this one are:

1. Meld descriptions together. Rather than having a chunk of appearance, then a chunk of action, then a chunk of emotion, make them one, smooth flow.

2. Cut down the number of viewpoints per chapter. You've got the right idea in the newer chapters; switching once or twice is not a bother, but switching every third paragraph or so definitely is.

3. Cut down on full stops. Simple sentences are easy to handle, yes, but having nothing but simple sentences makes for a choppy reading experience, which disrupts the flow of your narrative.

4. Avoid subjective terms (beautiful, perfect, etc.) in description. They're okay in the mouths or thoughts of your characters, though.

5. Try to make the dialogue a bit more natural. As it is, there are lots of places where the conversation jumps to a completely different subject or is just plain cut off at very bizarre places. Try reading the words for yourself and then ask yourself: would real people really talk this way?


Okay, seeing as how there's a heck of a lot of stuff on this, I think I'll post it now so as to not test my computer's patience. I'll add in my comments on each of the future chapters later on. The brunt of it should probably be here, though.

And concerning your question in the lounge: my vote is on rewrite. I think you've got potential here, you just need to work on presenting what you have in a clear and appealing manner. ^^
Featured Theme: Patchouli Knowledge (Touhou Project)
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Scandalous Maido Love Affair and Pair: Phani
Estranged Ex: The RP Section Rules
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Illegitimate Lovechild: Mika
Card-gaming Beta on a Leash: Scarlet

Seen September 3rd, 2008
Posted April 30th, 2008
464 posts
15.6 Years
Okay, let's try this again and hope that my computer will be less rabid this time, m'kay? 'Kay. *Deep breath*

First of all, some general notes. This is my first time reading through your fanfic and I haven't read any of the earlier versions, so there's no way for me to know how much or little you have improved from the original. Moving on..
Ok, that's a pity... if you knew how bad it was... I can't describe the praise I'd be getting right now.

Alright, formating. I notice that you've written your latest chapters in standard, uncolored font. This is good because it makes your fic easy to read on all layouts, and easy readability is always a plus. On the front of things that are not so good, however, I notice that you're still using colored comic sans MS on the earlier ones.

I just have to ask: why? Please go edit those tags out right away. It's a five-minute fix that makes your fic look a lot more professional.
Will do.

Second, I agree wholeheartedly with Scythe-kun's remark about the names you bring out at every change of viewpoint. When such a change occurs, it should become obvious from your narration so highlighting it is just pointless and disruptive for your story. (And yes, certain readers may find the notion of spelling things out for them in this way insulting)
I don't know, I'm not trying to ignore your advice... I'll think about it... No, that sounds insulting too... Now you're confusing me... Ok, fine, I'll edit it out and see what it looks like - but when you have four protaganists... It sort of makes sense...

Third, titling. Always think your titles over carefully. It should be descriptive of what happens in the chapter, yes, but again you shouldn't spell things out for your reader. If just glancing at the title lets your reader divine the entire contents of that chapter, then their curiosity for said chapter will have been efficiently butchered in the process. Allude to the contents of your chapter, hint at things, be a bit poetic, but never EVER spell out the contents. Also, do keep in mind that you don't have to title your chapters. No title is better than a flat one.
Forget chapters, I hate 'The Saga or Blue, Silver, Ruby and Pearl', it lacks emotion and it sounds boring... But I don't want to do: 'Four kids and an adventure' ... Just ...

Chapter titles... Fine, I won't spell it out...

And as a last general note: I'm going to have to agree with ACC here. This is a very difficult tense you have chosen to work with. The present tense has some merits to its name, and yes, when used right it can create a unique narrative style, but more often than not it's just going to explode in your face and the results...aren't that pretty, to be honest. Given that, by your own admission, you're already experiencing problems with this fic, I'd strongly suggest a past tense narrative. It's a far easier form to handle and in most cases works just as well as present tense. Readers will also be more familiar - and thus probably more comfortable with - fics written in past tense. Present tense is interesting, but unless there's some specific effect you seek to establish by using it (one that you can't achieve any other way) then I'd really suggest not punishing yourself with this. Present tense will still be there for you to experiment with later on anyway.
No offence, but I'll always stick with present tense, I don't like past tense.. It's not fun... I'm punishing myself? Please, present tense is... my tense. Well, not really, but, yeah, you get what I'm saying...

How can he tell?
Give me a few minutes to come up with something.

Okay, ACC already brought up the point of dynamic description briefly, but I'm going to build on that a little. This paragraph has a fairly detailed description in it, which is good, but the description is presented in short, choppy sentences, which is not good. I mean, if I told you a story about how I went to the supermarket. The supermarket has a yellow logo with red text on it. And opened the supermarket door. The door was of a greyish white color. And stepped inside. And then I closed the door behind me. And if told you each and every thing I did in that store. With a full stop after each action. And after each description. It would be a very tedious read.
Amazingly enough, I can see exactly where you're coming from... Yeah, I'll fix that - some day...

Again, less beating your reader over the head with the information and more working it in as it becomes relevant. Do we really need to get to know about the sibling thing right now? That would have been a lovely surprise to reveal later on. The badge rule is just plain insane. Thirty-two? What, go to all the four regions or it's nothing? I'm...just not convinced about such a radical shift from canon. The everyone picking Charmander thing sounds sort of unreal too. I mean, there will only be so many Charmanders so the others will have to be picked by those who didn't come there in time for the manders. Why did league authorities see fit to quadruple league entry requirements all of a sudden, anyway? Explanation, please.
Explanation comes later, but if you want the truth... Corruption within the government by many different teams caused all of that, but, that's for an extremely long speech for professor Oak just before the eighth gym.

As for everything else, I'll edit...

And your other notes? Yeah, I'll take those in mind...

Thanks AE - Reviews help... Well, so long as you listen to 'em.