JEREMY'S HOENN ADVENTURE FAN-FIC!

Started by cooltrainerjeremy October 30th, 2007 12:25 PM
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  • 22 replies
Age 29
Cinnabar Island!
Seen January 20th, 2008
Posted November 14th, 2007
108 posts
15.6 Years
THIS IS MY STORY I DO NOT OWN POKEMON OR THE CHARECTERS IN IT NINTENDO DOES!

CHAPTER ONE:THE BEGINNING OF A JOURNEY!

One day in the vast land of Hoenn, in Littleroot town in Jeremy's house, in his room, Jeremy's alarm clock loudly goes off. Jeremy quickly gets up and rushes into the bathroom because he overslept. When Jeremy comes out you see him for the first time, He is a boy aged around 13 with brown hair, about 5FT. tall, and about 99 pounds. He quickly runs down the stairs and says"Bye mom" and continues down the stairs. "Goodbye hunny good luck choosing your starter pokemon." mom replies and Jeremy continues through the door!


Jeremy runs untill he gets to a huge lab and he stops and walks in the door. Inside he spots professor Birch and Jessica his rival. Jessica is a 13 year old girl with black hair, about 4FT. tall, and about 80 pounds. Jessica is also here to get her starter pokemon and obvoisly already picked her pokemon, the fire chick pokemon Torchic. Jessica is the daughter of professor Birch and always helps him with his studies, Jeremy is the son of Norman the normal type gym leader of Hoenn and always helps him with his training with the skills he learns at pokemon school in Rustoro city, The two know eachother well because their fathers are friends!


"Hello Jessica so how was your birthday?" Jessicas birthday was in September and it is now December, but the two havnt been in contact for five months. "great,how was yours?" Jeremys birthday was today!"It was awesome I cant wait to start battling tough trainers." Jessica shows him her new pokemon.they talk for a while catching up until it is time for Jeremy to choose his starter pokemon.He chooses Treecko the grass type wood gecko pokemon. "How cute" Jessica says adoring the wood gecko pokemon. "thank you" Jeremy replies. the two leave together as they travel down Route 101 to begin their harsh and long journies through the land of Hoenn!
I am dah ultimate Green Pokemon Master!

Age 29
Cinnabar Island!
Seen January 20th, 2008
Posted November 14th, 2007
108 posts
15.6 Years
Route 101 was easy to get through as it was just a straight forward route. Now they were on Route 103 and battling wild pokemon. Sudenlly Jeremy runs into a Wingull. "Go Treecko use absorb!" Jeremy says and Treecko uses Absorb!Treecko absorbs morethan half the HP of Wingull and Wingull uses Water gun. "Go Pokeball."Jeremy says and he throws the Pokeball and manages to catch it!Jeremy reads the info on Wingull from his Pokedex to Jessica.


When Jeremy is finished Jessica congratulates him by clapping. However, it sudenlly starts raining and Jeremy looks at the sea route next to the land on the eastern side. Sudenlly, A wave of water shoots out and a huge wail like Pokemon comes out of it. "Oh no, it's Kyogre but its at such a low level." says Jeremy and he jumps in front of Jessica to protect her, But Treecko jumps in front of him and seeing the strong wood gecko Pokemon it goes back inside the sea and retreats!When Jeremy opens his eyes to see Kyogre gone he realizes it stoped raining. He thanks Treecko returns him and Jeremy and Jessica leave and head for Route 104!
I am dah ultimate Green Pokemon Master!

Age 29
Male
UK
Seen March 26th, 2011
Posted November 1st, 2010
348 posts
15.9 Years
Like Kyogre would be scared of a Treecko? I'm sorry, but the logic is all out on this.
Platinum FC - 0432 3665 4474[Name - Drew]
HeartGold FC - 5199 7801 6179[Name - Drew]

Platinum Team:
Sceptile/Blaziken/Swampert/Swellow/Gardevoir/Flygon
HeartGold Team:
Meganium/Ampharos/Pupitar/Typhlosion/Feraligatr/Scizor
Age 29
Male
UK
Seen March 26th, 2011
Posted November 1st, 2010
348 posts
15.9 Years
Well, in fan-fiction, Pokemon don't have levels...they're trained until they evolve, etc. Still, Kyogre is identified as a legendary, therefore assumedly powerful. You've got to make it clear the Kyogre is/looks weak.
Platinum FC - 0432 3665 4474[Name - Drew]
HeartGold FC - 5199 7801 6179[Name - Drew]

Platinum Team:
Sceptile/Blaziken/Swampert/Swellow/Gardevoir/Flygon
HeartGold Team:
Meganium/Ampharos/Pupitar/Typhlosion/Feraligatr/Scizor
Age 29
Cinnabar Island!
Seen January 20th, 2008
Posted November 14th, 2007
108 posts
15.6 Years
Now Jeremy and Jessica are in Route 102 where Jeremy fights alot of trainers for the first time. "Go Treecko." says Jeremy as he fights the first of many trainers to come."Go Buizel" says the Kid. "Treecko use Pound now." says Jeremy, Treecko jumps up and pounds the floor where Buizel is inflicting a citical hit.The injured Buizil satands up "Buizel Aqua Jet" says the kid "That move is not very effective!" says Jeremy.


"Treecko use Mega Drain." Jeremy says wanting to end the battle to challenge a stronger opponent.Treecko uses the move which is super effective and ends the battle.Jeremy fights every trainer on the Route toughening up his Treecko and Wingull.


Eventually Jeremy and Jessica end up in Petalburg City where they heal their Pokemon in the Pokemon Center. They head towards the gym where Jeremys dad is. Once inside the gym, Jeremy sees his dad talking with a kid. Jeremy walks up to them "Hi my name is Jesse im a newbie trainer!" says the boy."Nice to meet you!" says Jeremy and they shake hands.
Jesse challenges Jeremy to a battle as seeing they are both Newbies."Okay lets go" say Jeremy!"Go Mudkip" says Jesse. "Go Treecko" says Jeremy. "Treecko eh, nice choice son" says
Norman. "Thanx dad okay Treecko, go Mega Drain." Jeremy replys.The move hits and does double damage. "Mudkip Icebeam!" says Jesse the move instantly defeats Treecko! Jeremy returns Treecko and congratulates him.


Later Jeremy and Norman talk about gyms for a long while.
After that Jessica says "I think I should go my own way" and leaves for Dewford City while Jeremy sets his sights on Rustboro City!
I am dah ultimate Green Pokemon Master!

Lily

◕ ‿‿ ◕ double rainbow.

Female
New Joisey
Seen February 26th, 2017
Posted June 26th, 2011
3,329 posts
18.7 Years
It's all banally written. A typical journey piece, right on the dot with the game--we've all been there, done that. Make this more original. You also need to work on not rushing things. If a battle scene occurs, let alone all the other important scenes, write it out. Include dialogues (remember to indent before starting one). If you can, get grammar/spell checker or maybe have someone review the story beforehand.

And yes, logic plays a part in writing a story. Try keeping all this in mind.
Age 29
Cinnabar Island!
Seen January 20th, 2008
Posted November 14th, 2007
108 posts
15.6 Years
thank you lots!I tried making it more original by including Kyogre in chapter 2 on Route 103 which dosnt happen in the game ill try to get help on writers help forum also im doing alot of editing my current chapters!

okay i have tried my best to make it more "original" ill work on chapter four tommorow!
I am dah ultimate Green Pokemon Master!

Age 36
Seen 15 Hours Ago
Posted 2 Days Ago
On the unfortunate side, trying to be original by sticking in random legendary Pokemon on random route doesn't really work. There's a lot of thought that has to go into placing a legendary in your story and not having it blow up in your face.

But for now, I'll just concentrate this on grammar, and go slowly at that. This means that you'll be seeing a lot of me. So, be prepared. And the reason why I'm starting with grammar is because it is one of the basic tools for writing anything.

To create a new paragraph for posting on forums, hit the Enter button twice. This way, there's a blank line between each paragraph, making it easier on the readers to see your story. With this, your story just looks like a giant blob of unreadable text.

You capitalize the first word of every sentence, and all proper names. Also, capitalize the pronoun "I".

Correctly punctuate your sentences. This means to cut down on the amount of exclamation points. I know you want to make your story exciting, but if you have too many exclamation points, it gets annoying to readers. Also, learn how to punctuate dialogue correctly. Don't forget to space between each sentence, which means to press the space bar after each ending punctuation mark.

For now, this is all I'm going to leave you with in terms of a review. Just work on this for your next chapter before you attempt anything else. It's better to start with the basics slowly than everything all at once.

Good luck to you, and I'll see you next chapter.

Avatar credit: Fairy
Age 28
Male
NY
Seen January 29th, 2014
Posted January 14th, 2014
1,290 posts
15.8 Years
I thought i'd help you with the first chapter as it is one of the most important.

Originally Posted by cooltrainerjeremy
One day in the vast land of Hoenn,in Littleroot town in the house of Jeremy in his room,Jeremy's alarm clock loudly goes off.Jeremy quickly gets up and rushes into the bathroom.When Jeremy comes out you actually see him for the first time!He is a boy aged 13 with brown hair,about 5FT. tall,and about 99 pounds!He quickly runs down the stairs and says"Bye mom" and quickly continues down the stairs."Goodbye hunny good luck choosing your starter pokemon."His mom replies and Jeremy continues out the door!
Okay theres a lot of mistakes in this one paragraph.

One day in the vast land of Hoenn,in Littleroot town in the house of Jeremy in his room,Jeremy's alarm clock loudly goes off.Jeremy quickly gets up and rushes into the bathroom.
Lets start with the first two sentences. (I'll make hanako's job a little easier xP)
When you got past Hoenn, it all went downhill. You could've simply wrote, ...vast land of Hoenn, Jeremy was in his bedroom sleeping and his alarm clock loudly goes off. We don't need to know he is in his house and we don't need to know he lives in Littleroot down yet. Also space inbetween punction (E.G. commas, periods, exclamation points, question marks, etc.). Another thing, it doesn't seem quite realistic. When a loud alarm clock goes off in my ear, unless I really need to use the bathroom or overslept from clicking the snooze button too many times (xD), I don't quickly wake up and rush myself into the bathroom. And again, space inbetween periods.

When Jeremy comes out you actually see him for the first time!He is a boy aged 13 with brown hair,about 5FT. tall,and about 99 pounds!
This I don't understand at all! Who is seeing him for the first time? Are the readers seeing him for the first time? That sentence is very foggy and doesn't make quite sense. How is coming out of the bathroom revealing his age, hair color, height and weight? You should have him looking in the mirror and then get into his hair color and height. You could have him step on a scale and reveal his weight. You could say what grade he is when he is doing his homework and then possibly reveal his age. FT doesn't need to be capitilized (SP?). Same as before, space inbetween your commas. One last thing, I don't get why there are exclamation points after these sentences. Seeing someone for the first time and finding out their height, weight, etc. isn't all that exciting and therefore the punction is irrelevant.

He quickly runs down the stairs and says"Bye mom" and quickly continues down the stairs."Goodbye hunny good luck choosing your starter pokemon."His mom replies and Jeremy continues out the door!
Okay, why are you narrating the dialogue? Why not simply do this?

He quickly runs down the stairs.

"Bye mom," he says and quickly continues down the stairs.

"Goodbye hunny. Good luck choosing your starter pokemon." His mom replies.

Jeremy continues out the door.


Period no exclamation point, him walking out the door isn't all that exciting. And the punctuation needs spacing as well.

Okay now we can move onto the infamous paragraph 2.

Originally Posted by cooltrainerjeremy
Jeremy runs untill he gets to a huge lab and he stops and walks in the door.Inside he spots professor Birch and Jessica his rival!Jessica is a 13 year old girl with black hair,about 4FT. tall,and about 80 pounds!Jessica is also here to get her starter pokemon and obvoisly already picked her pokemon,the fire chick pokemon Torchic!Jessica is the daughter of professor Birch and always helps him with his studies,Jeremy is the son of Norman the normal type gym leader of Hoenn and always helps him with his training with the skills he learns at pokemon school in Rustoro city,The two know eachother well because their
fathers are friends!
lets start with the first two sentances.

Jeremy runs untill he gets to a huge lab and he stops and walks in the door.Inside he spots professor Birch and Jessica his rival!
Two much description for the first sentence. Your just making a "shopping list" of what he's doing. Write something to make the readers a little more interested in what you are writing, because I guarantee people will begin to lose interest about here. Write something like:

Jeremy started to run and eventually gets to a huge lab and stops in front of it. He stops and looks around dozens of thoughts traveling through his head. If you choose to do that, write what his thoughts are and how he is feeling about getting his first pokemon. Jeremy is not a robot and has feelings just like everyone else. Then he enters the lab and sees a bunch of scientists and young trainers waiting around to get their first pokemon. In the midst of it all he spots Jessica. How is Jessica his rival already? Unless they have been pals since they were young and were always competitve, there is no way that this random person is suddenly his rival.

Jessica is a 13 year old girl with black hair,about 4FT. tall,and about 80 pounds!Jessica is also here to get her starter pokemon and obvoisly already picked her pokemon,the fire chick pokemon Torchic!
How is looking at Jessica describing all of this? There is also no logic in any of this. How is a 13 year old girl five feet tall while Jeremy is five feet tall? Also, when writing numbers under 100, write them out. How is looking at Jessica revealing her weight and exact height? If this is just some random girl, how does he know all of this? Onto the second sentance, a comma is needed between pokemon and and.

...to get her starter pokemon, and obviously...

Obviously is spelled wrong and how is it obvious that she picked her pokemon already? Is the Torchic on the ground next to her, is her pokeball in her hand, is her pokeball apparant? All things you could describe. And one more thing for the first sentance, the repititive exclamation points is bugging me. How is finding her age height and weight exciting? The second sentance is stretching it, but acceptable.

Jessica is the daughter of professor Birch and always helps him with his studies,Jeremy is the son of Norman the normal type gym leader of Hoenn and always helps him with his training with the skills he learns at pokemon school in Rustoro city,The two know eachother well because their
fathers are friends!
RUN ON SENTANCE ALERT! Why is the only punction is this possible three sentance phrase a comma? Separate Jessica's family members and Jeremy's family number. Also seperate The last chunk of info from the rest. This sounds very cliche and is dangerously close to just copying the entire anime series.

I've edited once and later I shall edit for the last time.

Originally Posted by cooltrainerjeremy
"Hello Jessica so how was your birthday?" Jessicas birthday was in September and it is now December, but the two havnt been in contact for five months. "great,how was yours?" Jeremys birthday was today!"It was awesome I cant wait to start battling tough trainers." Jessica shows him her new pokemon.they talk for a while catching up until it is time for Jeremy to choose his starter pokemon.He chooses Treecko the grass type wood gecko pokemon. "How cute" Jessica says adoring the wood gecko pokemon. "thank you" Jeremy replies. the two leave together as they travel down Route 101 to begin their harsh and long journies through the land of Hoenn!
This Paragraph is just so confusing. He hasn't talked to her in five mounths. Why haven't they talked in five mounths? Was she on some sort of vacation or did she move and if so, how does she end up in littleroot town. There isn't much logic in it. And since when was it Jeremy's birthday? Couldn't we have found this out before the last paragraph? Whatever lets take it slow now.

"Hello Jessica so how was your birthday?" Jessicas birthday was in September and it is now December, but the two havnt been in contact for five months.
Why didn't he call her and wish her a happy birthday? If my birthday was five mounths ago and my friend wished me a happy birthday, I'd be really mad. There isn't much logic in this. You really need to think about how you would react if your friend wished you a happy birthday after five mounths. I bolded that word because its correctly spelled haven't. This is becoming a habit and maybe don't use the contractions or use a spell checker.

"great,how was yours?" Jeremys birthday was today!"It was awesome I cant wait to start battling tough trainers."
The "g" in "great" should be capitalized. I underlined the second sentence because it seems very awkward. Why is that so randomly placed? And Jessica is saying how was yours? Shouldn't she be saying how is yours? Your switching from past tense to present tense in a strange way. It doesn't make sense and if Jessica should say How is yours, isn't it implied that its his birthday? SHouldn't we have found this out a long time before now that it's his birthday? The third sentence is good, but make sure you tell us who is saying what.

Jessica shows him her new pokemon.they talk for a while catching up until it is time for Jeremy to choose his starter pokemon.He chooses Treecko the grass type wood gecko pokemon.
Shopping list again...Your just listing what there doing, first they do this, then they do that, then he does this while she does that...blah blah blah...its boring! Put what their doing into greater detail! The "t" in "they" should be capitalized. Remember you do that for the first letter of each word at the begining of a sentence, and for proper nouns. I underlined a trouble spot. Instead of narrating and telling us that they're talking, why not share with us their conversating was about? Even give us the exact dialogue. It makes it better.

"How cute" Jessica says adoring the wood gecko pokemon. "thank you" Jeremy replies. the two leave together as they travel down Route 101 to begin their harsh and long journies through the land of Hoenn!
The underlined should be written like this.

"How cute," Jessica said while adoring the wood jecko pokemon. Looks better right?

Okay lets try it again.

"Thank you," Jeremy replied.

Again, capitalzation.

Okay I hope this helps. Later i'll help you with chapter 2.
Why, Yes
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Posted January 14th, 2014
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15.8 Years
okay I went back and tried to fix it using your tips!
I looked at what you apparently fixed, but I see no changes.
Why, Yes
Chris Martin is my avatar.

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Age 29
Cinnabar Island!
Seen January 20th, 2008
Posted November 14th, 2007
108 posts
15.6 Years
Jeremy was now in the Petalburg Woods training his Wingull
and Treecko. "Go Treecko use Mega Drain" he said.The move ends the battle and Jeremy finally gets out of the woods.


Outside the woods, was a new Route but Jeremy didn't know were he was.He new he had to be around Rustboro, but he didnt know how long it was. "Go Wingull scan the area by using your birds eye view" he said. The bird quickly
finds the fastest way to Rusboro which only insists on a double battle.


As quick as he can, Jeremy rushes through while avoiding unnessessary battles. "Hey you cant reject our challenge" says the twins and they prepare for battle! "Go Wingull and
Treecko" says Jeremy "Go Seedot and Lotad" replies the twins. All of a sudden, Treecko starts flasing "What the? Hey it's evolving!" says Jeremy shocked. the new pokemon, Grovyle automaticly usses Mega Drain and defeats the Lotad. Wingull simultaneosly usses Wing Attack and faints Seedot!

Jeremy, now in Rustboro City, drops bye the Pokemon School and shows off his Grovyle.He then heals his pokemon in the pokemon center and heads to the Market where he buys Super Potions and finally, he heads for Rustboro gym!

Inside the gym jeremy says "Go Grovyle and Wingull" as he is in another double battle! "Go Geodude and Geodude" says the two gym trainers "Grovyle, Mega Drain and Wingull, Bubblebeam" the attacks instantly defeats the two
Pokemon and the same thing happens again. To Jeremys surprise those are the only two gym trainers and Jeremy
heads for Roxxanne the Rustboro gym leader and Jeremys former Pokemon School Teacher...
I am dah ultimate Green Pokemon Master!

Age 28
Male
NY
Seen January 29th, 2014
Posted January 14th, 2014
1,290 posts
15.8 Years
I wouldn't start the fourth chapter right about now. Give your readers a few days before posting a new chapter.
Jeremy was now in the Petalburg Woods training his Wingull
and Treecko. "Go Treecko use Mega Drain" he said.The move ends the battle and Jeremy finally gets out of the woods.


Outside the woods, was a new Route but Jeremy didn't know were he was.He new he had to be around Rustboro, but he didnt know how long it was. "Go Wingull scan the area by using your birds eye view" he said. The bird quickly
finds the fastest way to Rusboro which only insists on a double battle.


As quick as he can, Jeremy rushes through while avoiding unnessessary battles. "Hey you cant reject our challenge" says the twins and they prepare for battle! "Go Wingull and
Treecko" says Jeremy "Go Seedot and Lotad" replies the twins. All of a sudden, Treecko starts flasing "What the? Hey it's evolving!" says Jeremy shocked. the new pokemon, Grovyle automaticly usses Mega Drain and defeats the Lotad. Wingull simultaneosly usses Wing Attack and faints Seedot!

Jeremy, now in Rustboro City, drops bye the Pokemon School and shows off his Grovyle.He then heals his pokemon in the pokemon center and heads to the Market where he buys Super Potions and finally, he heads for Rustboro gym!

Inside the gym jeremy says "Go Grovyle and Wingull" as he is in another double battle! "Go Geodude and Geodude" says the two gym trainers "Grovyle, Mega Drain and Wingull, Bubblebeam" the attacks instantly defeats the two
Pokemon and the same thing happens again. To Jeremys surprise those are the only two gym trainers and Jeremy
heads for Roxxanne the Rustboro gym leader and Jeremys former Pokemon School Teacher...
Or you can completley ignore what I say, I'll help you with this once I help you with the other two chapters.
Why, Yes
Chris Martin is my avatar.

Safari Type: Ghost
Shuppet, Dusclops, Phantump
PM for FC
Age 28
Male
NY
Seen January 29th, 2014
Posted January 14th, 2014
1,290 posts
15.8 Years
Route 101 was easy to get through as it was just a straight forward route. Now they were on Route 103 and battling wild pokemon. Sudenlly Jeremy runs into a Wingull. "Go Treecko use absorb!" Jeremy says and Treecko uses Absorb!Treecko absorbs morethan half the HP of Wingull and Wingull uses Water gun. "Go Pokeball."Jeremy says and he throws the Pokeball and manages to catch it!Jeremy reads the info on Wingull from his Pokedex to Jessica.


When Jeremy is finished Jessica congratulates him by clapping. However, it sudenlly starts raining and Jeremy looks at the sea route next to the land on the eastern side. Sudenlly, A wave of water shoots out and a huge wail like Pokemon comes out of it. "Oh no, it's Kyogre but its at such a low level." says Jeremy and he jumps in front of Jessica to protect her, But Treecko jumps in front of him and seeing the strong wood gecko Pokemon it goes back inside the sea and retreats!When Jeremy opens his eyes to see Kyogre gone he realizes it stoped raining. He thanks Treecko returns him and Jeremy and Jessica leave and head for Route 104!
Lets start with the first paragraph.

Originally Posted by cooltrainerjeremy
Route 101 was easy to get through as it was just a straight forward route. Now they were on Route 103 and battling wild pokemon. Sudenlly Jeremy runs into a Wingull. "Go Treecko use absorb!" Jeremy says and Treecko uses Absorb!Treecko absorbs morethan half the HP of Wingull and Wingull uses Water gun. "Go Pokeball."Jeremy says and he throws the Pokeball and manages to catch it!Jeremy reads the info on Wingull from his Pokedex to Jessica.
First two sentence time!

Route 101 was easy to get through as it was just a straight forward route. Now they were on Route 103 and battling wild pokemon.
Okay, so they just zoomed right past Route 101. You expect me to believe that there are no pokemon living on route 101? Whatever, its your fanfic and you can do what you want with it although its a little unreal. Overall, you have seemed to have gotten better at describing things. Although its still horrific, its better then it was. At the same time, more description is still needed! Name some of the pokemon he is battling. Describe what the routes look like, is it tropical, is it covered with trees and forests? Whats going on here?

Sudenlly Jeremy runs into a Wingull. "Go Treecko use absorb!" Jeremy says and Treecko uses Absorb!
Sudenlly should be written as sudenly with only one "L". Please, consider a spell checker. The last sentence is very shady. You don't need to write that treeko is using absorb, when Jeremy told him to. The entire Jeremy says thing looks wrong to me, but I can't put my finger on it.

Treecko absorbs morethan half the HP of Wingull and Wingull uses Water gun. "Go Pokeball."
Morethan isn't one word...at least I don't think so. Space it out. I underlined some things as you can probably see. It is very strange that an absorb can take more than half the HP of a half flying pokemon. It would only do about a quarter at most. When wingull uses water gun and then Jeremy randomly sends out a pokeball is a trouble spot. WHen did jeremy get pokeballs? Did his mom give them to him, did professor give them to him? And as said before, hit the enter key twice when somebody says something.

Jeremy says and he throws the Pokeball and manages to catch it!Jeremy reads the info on Wingull from his Pokedex to Jessica.
Just a couple of grammar errors here. Pokeball isn't capitalized unless at the begining of a sentence. Also remember to space out the words.

Originally Posted by cooltrainerjeremy
When Jeremy is finished Jessica congratulates him by clapping. However, it sudenlly starts raining and Jeremy looks at the sea route next to the land on the eastern side. Sudenlly, A wave of water shoots out and a huge wail like Pokemon comes out of it. "Oh no, it's Kyogre but its at such a low level." says Jeremy and he jumps in front of Jessica to protect her, But Treecko jumps in front of him and seeing the strong wood gecko Pokemon it goes back inside the sea and retreats!When Jeremy opens his eyes to see Kyogre gone he realizes it stoped raining. He thanks Treecko returns him and Jeremy and Jessica leave and head for Route 104
Okay we'll start this one when I come back and edit it.
Why, Yes
Chris Martin is my avatar.

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Age 36
Seen 15 Hours Ago
Posted 2 Days Ago
Eh...I say that it's okay if Jeremy posted the next chapter now. It's been three/four days now, and who ever is going to comment has. Plus, the chapters are rather short, so there's no real need to wait. He wrote the chapter, worked on it to the best of his abilities (as it does look a bit better), and decided to post it to get feedback. It's fine.

Scythemaster covered a bit of grammar, but there are a few things I want to say about his review.

Sudenlly should be written as sudenly with only one "L".
It's "suddenly".

The last sentence is very shady. You don't need to write that treeko is using absorb, when Jeremy told him to.
Actually, it would be nice to show that Treecko decided to obey his trainer but having the Pokemon perform the command. This also helps to put the focus on the Pokemon, as battles aren't just about trainers giving commands.

Pokeball isn't capitalized unless at the begining of a sentence.
Depends on the writer. Pokeball might even be written as two words.

Now, Jeremy, you're still missing description. I highly suggest you take a look at the review I left for you on your other story, because it covers description well in it.

But goodness, you're missing emotions in your fic! Jeremy just seems like he doesn't care that his Pokemon just evolves. You write it like it's an every day occurrence that a trainer's first Pokemon evolves. I mean, is Jeremy at least happy that his Pokemon is stronger? Or does he really just not care? Because that's how he's coming off to me: an emotionless person who just really doesn't care about what's going on.

Slow down your fic. In four chapters he's already left home, traveled through three towns, a couple of routes, a forest, caught a Pokemon, and had one evolve. Now he's about to face down the first Gym Leader with two Pokemon that can sweep her team. This is beginning to become, to borrow a word from Scythemaster, "unreal".

It takes days to travel from town to town in the Pokemon world. Not just...a day? I mean, Jeremy hasn't even eaten lunch yet and he's done so much. I just can't figure out how that can be.

Jeremy's also beginning to teeter on the edge of becoming a "perfect character". His Pokemon are really strong, he hasn't lost a battle yet, he knows everything about Pokemon, and he's already met a legendary Pokemon that he defeated. Make him face some sort of downfall on his journey. Right now, everything is going too well for him, and that's boring. Put in some conflict.

I would also suggest trying to separate yourself from the plot line of the games. Right now, there's nothing stopping me from playing R/S/E and getting the same story line, except for random Kyogre and random Buisel. There needs to be something more, like a deeper reason for Jeremy to be a Pokemon trainer other than "He wants to be the greatest!" Try something to separate this from the games. Anything would be good.

There's still simple grammar problems that need to be fixed. Hit Enter twice to make a new paragraph when someone speaks. Make sure that you have the correct punctuation, as you're missing a few marks. Describe things more. Think about your story realistically. Listen to the advice given to you.

Avatar credit: Fairy
Age 28
Male
NY
Seen January 29th, 2014
Posted January 14th, 2014
1,290 posts
15.8 Years
Eh...I say that it's okay if Jeremy posted the next chapter now. It's been three/four days now, and who ever is going to comment has. Plus, the chapters are rather short, so there's no real need to wait. He wrote the chapter, worked on it to the best of his abilities (as it does look a bit better), and decided to post it to get feedback. It's fine.

Scythemaster covered a bit of grammar, but there are a few things I want to say about his review.


It's "suddenly".


Actually, it would be nice to show that Treecko decided to obey his trainer but having the Pokemon perform the command. This also helps to put the focus on the Pokemon, as battles aren't just about trainers giving commands.


Depends on the writer. Pokeball might even be written as two words.

Now, Jeremy, you're still missing description. I highly suggest you take a look at the review I left for you on your other story, because it covers description well in it.

But goodness, you're missing emotions in your fic! Jeremy just seems like he doesn't care that his Pokemon just evolves. You write it like it's an every day occurrence that a trainer's first Pokemon evolves. I mean, is Jeremy at least happy that his Pokemon is stronger? Or does he really just not care? Because that's how he's coming off to me: an emotionless person who just really doesn't care about what's going on.

Slow down your fic. In four chapters he's already left home, traveled through three towns, a couple of routes, a forest, caught a Pokemon, and had one evolve. Now he's about to face down the first Gym Leader with two Pokemon that can sweep her team. This is beginning to become, to borrow a word from Scythemaster, "unreal".

It takes days to travel from town to town in the Pokemon world. Not just...a day? I mean, Jeremy hasn't even eaten lunch yet and he's done so much. I just can't figure out how that can be.

Jeremy's also beginning to teeter on the edge of becoming a "perfect character". His Pokemon are really strong, he hasn't lost a battle yet, he knows everything about Pokemon, and he's already met a legendary Pokemon that he defeated. Make him face some sort of downfall on his journey. Right now, everything is going too well for him, and that's boring. Put in some conflict.

I would also suggest trying to separate yourself from the plot line of the games. Right now, there's nothing stopping me from playing R/S/E and getting the same story line, except for random Kyogre and random Buisel. There needs to be something more, like a deeper reason for Jeremy to be a Pokemon trainer other than "He wants to be the greatest!" Try something to separate this from the games. Anything would be good.

There's still simple grammar problems that need to be fixed. Hit Enter twice to make a new paragraph when someone speaks. Make sure that you have the correct punctuation, as you're missing a few marks. Describe things more. Think about your story realistically. Listen to the advice given to you.
xP. I'm so stupid. And I know, I just noticed the thing about his thhe days between his chapters.
Why, Yes
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