Jeremy's Kanto adventure!

Started by cooltrainerjeremy October 30th, 2007 3:02 PM
  • 1307 views
  • 12 replies
Age 29
Cinnabar Island!
Seen January 20th, 2008
Posted November 14th, 2007
108 posts
15.6 Years
OKAY KEEP IN MIND THAT I WILL BE EDITING ALOT AND THIS IS THE SAME CHARECTER FROM MY MAIN FAN FIC SOTHIS CAN GIVE AWAY MAJOR SPOILERS TO WHAT POKEMON ARE ON HIS TEAM!

Jeremy was exausted. He had been flying on his Pelliperover the water Route between Pallet Town and Cinnabar Island for at least two hours. Jeremy is one of the strongest trainers in the wold as he is champion of Hoenn, he has light brown hair, he has green eyes, and he always wears a green shirt and black shorts.


Suddenly, he sees a bunch of trainers and he quickly flys down to challenge them to a Pokemon battle."Hey you, whats your problem?" says one of the boys "wanna battle?" replies Jeremy and he flys to the nearest island. The boy just swims on his mighty strong looking Lapras until he gets
there, "Go Sceptile" says Jeremy "Lapras your up" replies the biy. "Sceptile Toxic" says Jeremy and Lapras becomes badly poisoned "Lapras, Icebeam" the boy says and the attack clobbers halve
of Sceptiles HP."Sceptile, Substitute" says Jeremy "Grrr" replies the boy unable to attack Sceptile,
the boy grunts. "Sceptile start charging Solarbeam" Jeremy replies and the move ends the battle.
Jeremy wins and continues Flying.


Suddenly he sees a tiny town with very few houses in it and figures it must be Pallet town. He walks in one of the houses. Inside there was a women "Excuse me ma'am but I was wondering where I could find professor Oak?" Jeremy said "Prof. Oaks Lab is that way" says the woman who is apperently watching a movie on tv.Jeremy quickly runs down towards a huge lab. Jeremy walks inside the huge lab. But what Jeremy sees is an amazing scene...
I am dah ultimate Green Pokemon Master!

Sweet Candace

So Awesome! /)^ɛ^(\

Age 30
Male
Somewhere; maybe over a rainbow.
Seen August 26th, 2012
Posted August 20th, 2012
5,282 posts
16.1 Years
It's short, rushed, needs more detail, spelling errors. Try making the quote the first thing on the next line. It's makes it cleaner and more professional. Put spaces after every sentence. This story is so rushed, that's why there are so many errors

Shadowz

Among the Shadowz...

Age 28
England
Seen February 20th, 2008
Posted February 18th, 2008
431 posts
15.6 Years
Very short but to the Point, i like it, has a bit of gramatical errors to it but keep going

-Amso-
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Age 29
Cinnabar Island!
Seen January 20th, 2008
Posted November 14th, 2007
108 posts
15.6 Years
What Jeremy sees is amazing!

He sees professor Oak and one of the most famous trainers in
the world of pokemon none other than Ash Ketchum.

Ash Ketchum has all the badges from Kanto,Joghto,and Hoenn plus
he is the only known conquerer of the Kanto Battle Frontier.

The Kanto Battle Frontier is the reason Jeremy is in Kanto and he thought it would be nice for him to meet professor Oak.

He never thought he would meet Ash Ketchum though.

Jeremy runs for Ash and says"Hi my names Jeremy i am the champion of Hoenn and in the name of Hoenn I challenge you to a battle."
Ash says"And I never turn down a battle."

They head outside and the match begins!

"Go Sceptile" says Jeremy."Then I will choose Pikachu" says Ash.

"Sceptile,Substitute quickly." says Jeremy.

Sceptile sucessfuly delivers Substitute.

"Pikachu use Volt Tackle!" says Ash.

The move inflicts more damage on Pikachu because it did no damage to Sceptile.

"Toxic Sceptile!" says Jeremy.

Pikachu becomes badly poisoned.

Pikachu atomaticly uses Iron Tail to try to break the Substitute which fails and pikachu takes HP away from being poisoned.

"Okay Sceptile start charging your Solarbeam attack." says Jeremy.

Pikachu just sits there and finally the Substitute breaks,Pikachu quickly uses Volt Tackle and Sceptile unleashes Solar beam!

the moves both knock the other Pokemon out and Oak declares it a draw.

Back inside Ash and Jeremy stare at eachother!

"I came here to challenge the Battle Frontier"Jeremy says!

"Well I hope I see you in the final tag battles."says Ash!

"You mean the ones only conquerers of the Battle Frontier can participate in?"

"Yep well,I hope I see you there!" says Ash and he leaves the lab.

"Hi prof. Oak." says Jeremy.

"Welcome now,what is it you want?" says Oak.

"I was wondering if you could let me borrow a Charmander to train in the Battle Frontier?" says Jeremy.

"Well sure,here you go." says Oak and he gives him a Pokeball containing a Charmander.

the chapter ends with Jeremy going to Route 1 to train his newly obtained Charmander!
I am dah ultimate Green Pokemon Master!

Seen September 2nd, 2008
Posted May 17th, 2008
43 posts
15.8 Years
What Jeremy sees is amazing!

He sees professor Oak and one of the most famous trainers in
the world of pokemon none other than Ash Ketchum!

Ash Ketchum has all the badges from Kanto,Joghto,and Hoenn plus
he is the only known conquerer of the Kanto Battle Frontier!

The Kanto Battle Frontier is the reason Jeremy is in Kanto and he thought it would be nice for him to meet professor Oak!

He never thought he would meet Ash Ketchum though!

Jeremy runs for Ash and says"Hi my names Jeremy i am the champion of Hoenn and in the name of Hoenn I challenge you to a battle!"
Ash says"And I never turn down a battle!"

They head outside and the match begins!

"go Sceptile" says Jeremy!"Sceptile" says sceptile!

"Then I will choose Pikachu" says Ash!"Pika" says Pikachu!

"Sceptile,Leaf Blade now!" says Jeremy!

Sceptile delivers the hit sucessfuly but it doesnt seem to deel much damage.

"Pikachu use Volt Tackle!" says Ash!

The hit deels alot of damage and Jeremy knows one more hit and Sceptiles fainted.

"Double Team Sceptile!"says Jeremy!

Sudenlly a huge amount of Sceptile clones appear!

Ash has Pikachu Volt Tackle all of them but to his surprise at the last second Sceptile appears from underneath Pikachu!

Sceptile has used Dig which is super effective but to Jeremys surprise Pikachu is not fainted yet!

"Iron Tail"says Ash and Pikachu uses the move which faints Jeremys Sceptile and Oak declares Ash the winner!

Back inside Ash and Jeremy stare at eachother!

"I came here to challenge the Battle Frontier"Jeremy says!

"well keep traing that Sceptile and go for it!"says Ash!

The chapter ends with Jeremy leaving for Curulean city to challenge the Battle Factory1
Way to many exclamation marks. Truthfully, it's annoying as h*ll, and reminds me of something my five year old cousin would do, only because he doesn't know any better.

Also, I felt like it was way to rushed, and that you definetly don't look over your chapters before you post. Bad move! If there is only one thing you should do, its that. If anything, have someone else look over it, prefferably someone older, who knows their english. I know that most times, before I post something it's usually double checked by a thurough eye. Usually consisting of myself and a close friend.

I hope this helps!

PEACE AND LOVE
Check this out! Everybody will like it, I promise!
http://kevan.org/brain.cgi?kidstaple
And if you get the chance, check this out as well! It's my blog: http://kidstaple.blogspot.com/ (NOT POKEMON RELATED... MOSTLY).
Age 29
Cinnabar Island!
Seen January 20th, 2008
Posted November 14th, 2007
108 posts
15.6 Years
Way to many exclamation marks. Truthfully, it's annoying as h*ll, and reminds me of something my five year old cousin would do, only because he doesn't know any better.

Also, I felt like it was way to rushed, and that you definetly don't look over your chapters before you post. Bad move! If there is only one thing you should do, its that. If anything, have someone else look over it, prefferably someone older, who knows their english. I know that most times, before I post something it's usually double checked by a thurough eye. Usually consisting of myself and a close friend.

I hope this helps!

PEACE AND LOVE
Okay i tried my best to fix that chapter and im working on chapter 3 2morrow!
I am dah ultimate Green Pokemon Master!

Age 28
Male
NY
Seen January 29th, 2014
Posted January 14th, 2014
1,290 posts
15.8 Years
OKAY KEEP IN MIND THAT I WILL BE EDITING ALOT AND THIS IS THE SAME CHARECTER FROM MY MAIN FAN FIC SO
THIS CAN GIVE AWAY MAJOR SPOILERS TO WHAT POKEMON ARE ON HIS TEAM!

Jeremy was egsausted.

He had been walking for at least two hours in the Kanto region trying to find the first battle facility!

Sudenlly he throws out the pokeball containing his Pelipper and takes flight into the sky!

He sees a tiny town with very few houses in it and figures it must be Pallet town!

He quickly lands and runs into one of the houses!

Inside there was a women "Excuse me mam but I was wondering where I could find professor Oak?" Jeremy said

"that way" said the woman and she pointed downward.

Jeremy quickly throws out Sceptile and jumps on it and it runs down towards a huge lab!

Jeremy returns Sceptile and walks inside the huge lab.

what Jeremy sees is an astonishing scene.....
This seems like it needs a lot of help. Lets start with the first four lines.

Jeremy was egsausted.

He had been walking for at least two hours in the Kanto region trying to find the first battle facility!

Sudenlly he throws out the pokeball containing his Pelipper and takes flight into the sky!

He sees a tiny town with very few houses in it and figures it must be Pallet town!
first of all, why are all of the narrations separated? Only separate when a dialogue is happening, or there is a new setting.

Jeremy was egsausted.
This sentence made me laugh so much. Egsausted? I assume you mean Exausted. I would suggest proofreading/a spell checker to get these horrid mistakes.

He had been walking for at least two hours in the Kanto region trying to find the first battle facility!
This isn't a bad sentence. Just one thing, an explanation point isn't very relevant because it's not that exciting. I doubt he is very excited about walking for two hours also. xD

Sudenlly he throws out the pokeball containing his Pelipper and takes flight into the sky!
Um...where did this come from? Out of nowhere without any dialogue, he sends out this random pokemon that nobody knows anything about? Use some backround info and such on how he got his pokemon and why he is sending out his pelipper.

Sudenlly he throws out the pokeball
I believe the correct spelling is suddenly, correct me if i'm wrong though. This becoming a habit of yours and proofreading could catch these.

He sees a tiny town with very few houses in it and figures it must be Pallet town!
Yes! Because any time I see a town with a few houses I figure its Pallet Town! (0_o). Come on man, couldn't you have told us he was traveling to Pallet Town before he gets there. Another thing, unless he's traveling backwards, there isn't a lot of land area before Pallet Town except Cinnabar Island, which is off in the distant sea. Did his Pelipper fly him across the ocean? How did he get here? And, I doubt a town will have a few houses. Just because the pokemon game says it has two houses, doesn't mean it has two houses. Oh well lets move on.

He quickly lands and runs into one of the houses!

Inside there was a women "Excuse me mam but I was wondering where I could find professor Oak?" Jeremy said

"that way" said the woman and she pointed downward.

Jeremy quickly throws out Sceptile and jumps on it and it runs down towards a huge lab!

Jeremy returns Sceptile and walks inside the huge lab.

what Jeremy sees is an astonishing scene.....
He quickly lands and runs into one of the houses!
Okay, so your saying he runs into some random house? Is this that exciting...possibly. But why would he run into some random, unexplained house? Non?

Inside there was a women"Excuse me mam but I was wondering where I could find professor Oak?" Jeremy said
Its spelled Ma'am. And this is the time where everything I italicized gets the enter key hit twice. You do this whenever a dialogue is happening. Everything I underlined is in need of some more description. What does this woman look like? Is she old and wrinkly, young and beautiful, young and ugly? What is she doing while sitting there or is she some robot who stares at the wall all day and does nothing?

"that way" said the woman and she pointed downward.

Jeremy quickly throws out Sceptile and jumps on it and it runs down towards a huge lab!
The "T" is "that" should be capitilized. And when Jeremy gets on his sceptile, he is running through a wall in this random house to the lab? WHy can't Jeremy simply walk out to the lab himself, and when did we even get out of the mystery house?

what Jeremy sees is an astonishing scene.....
This cliffhanger is annoying me. You could've made this chapter a lot longer, and I realize you want to make your chapters suspenseful, but this way seems annoying to me. And why are there so many periods there? Just three would do.

Now don't copy and paste my suggestions bescause they stink, but put the ideas into consideration, or this to might end up in the RB.

Anywho, good luck with this.
Why, Yes
Chris Martin is my avatar.

Safari Type: Ghost
Shuppet, Dusclops, Phantump
PM for FC
Age 29
Cinnabar Island!
Seen January 20th, 2008
Posted November 14th, 2007
108 posts
15.6 Years
personaly no mean to be rude or anything but i find that last reply sorta rude and a little harsh.firstly ALL GOOD WITERS USE SUSPENSE IT'S THE MOST BASIC WRITING SKILL EVER.Now that that is said im sorry if im not quite as good as you in grammer but i
do intend to finish this series like it or not.
I am dah ultimate Green Pokemon Master!

Age 36
Seen 15 Hours Ago
Posted 2 Days Ago
Woah! Calm down there, everyone! Hold up, and let me mediate this little disagreement as best I can.

cooltrainerjeremy, I believe what Scythe Master was getting at with that comment was that your chapter just seems unfinished with that last line. I mean, you're writing your chapter, and your character gets to the lab, and he sees something, and... D: It just falls short. If you had more of a build-up of him getting to the lab, making the readers want to see him get to the lab, and then end on the astonishing scene, then the cliff-hanger would have been fine. But your entire chapter just reads as a rushed story, with all the problems Scythe Master pointed out, that with the cliff-hanger, it seems unfinished.

You can keep the cliff-hanger. Those are fine. And yes, as you say, all writers use them. (Suspense isn't one of the basic skills, however. Sorry. Suspense is more advanced.) But you need more of a build-up to your cliff-hanger.

Also, no one is telling you to stop writing your story. In fact, Scythe Master is giving you help so that you can continue writing this and get better at writing. You can keep writing. Giving up is the worst thing you can do. But just realize that you will receive some advice that you should consider following. And Scythe Master's review is helpful to you in grammar and description.

And now I get to review. Prepare yourself.

Scythe Master already covered grammar. He missed the explanation about dialogue grammar, but that's covered in another review I left you on your other fic. My suggestion to you is to find a word processing program like Microsoft Word or even something online that comes with a spell-checker. This will catch your spelling mistakes. It won't help with grammar, but it'll help with spelling. Plus, using a program like Word will allow you to save your story and work on it at other times. This way, you don't have to rush writing your story, and you can take your time.

The length is exceptionally short. It falls under a full page on Word. There's so much more that needs to be added in that you don't need short chapters.

On that note, this means that you need more description in your story. Who is Jeremy, where is he coming from, where is he going? You need to tell your readers this early on in your story, or else they won't feel connected to the character.

This is a continuation of your first fic, right? (I don't really understand why you are posting this when your other fic isn't even finished yet, but...eh.) You have Jeremy, and he's in Kanto looking for something. Why? Tell me in the story. Describe him to me. Make him pop off the page like a real person, that I can meet walking down the street. Because right now, he's just a name on a page...screen.

Tell me what he looks like. Does he have brown hair, blue eyes, a third arm? Sure, you described him in your other fic, but I've read so many fics that I can't keep them straight anymore. Besides, you treat each new fanfic about the same person separately. So yeah, you described him in your first fic. But guess what? You should do it again. The same holds true for Pokemon. Describe them as well.

Tell me what he's feeling. Is he excited to be in Kanto? Sure, he's tired from walking, but does he want to stop walking? Or does he want to keep heading on to find that battle facility? He's human, and humans have emotions. Is he happy, sad, angry, anxious, depressed, etc.? The answer will vary from situation to situation, but it all still needs to be described.

Tell me where he's from. Jeremy had a life before this story. What happened in it, and why is he in Kanto? This is backstory, the history of your character. Take some time to explain this to your reader.

Tell me where he's going. Again, why is he here in Kanto looking for a battle facility? Specifically, why is he heading to Pallet Town?

So, when we add all that in, what do we get?

Jeremy was egsausted.

He had been walking for at least two hours in the Kanto region trying to find the first battle facility!
You started off with this, right? But let's say that you describe Jeremy better, and give us his back story. Watch what happens.

Jeremy was exhausted.

For two hours he had been walking. The route between Cinnabar Island and Pallet Town was a long one. Already, he had to travel across the ocean on the back of his Water Pokemon. Now, he figured he was only halfway to Pallet Town.

He took his hat off his head and ran a hand through his short brown hair. He was in the Kanto region to try his hand at the Indigo League. He wanted to find the nearest battle facility, which were called "gyms", and win a new badge. But first, he had to head to Professor Oak's lab in Pallet to register for the league.
Better, right? There's more description and explains things more. The reader knows a bit about Jeremy, where he's going, and why he's going there. Because that's all we want to know.

That was a long post. x.x But it should help you out. I'm not going to comment on characters more than I have already or on plot. I'll give you some time to write more of your fic.

Yes, you can write more of your fic, no matter what we all might sound like we're saying in our reviews.

Good luck.

Avatar credit: Fairy
Age 28
Male
NY
Seen January 29th, 2014
Posted January 14th, 2014
1,290 posts
15.8 Years
personaly no mean to be rude or anything but i find that last reply sorta rude and a little harsh.firstly ALL GOOD WITERS USE SUSPENSE IT'S THE MOST BASIC WRITING SKILL EVER.Now that that is said im sorry if im not quite as good as you in grammer but i
do intend to finish this series like it or not.
I don't remember ever telling you to stop writing your story. It has a lot of potential but a good fanfic needs much more than just that.

Originally Posted by cooltrainerjeremy
ALL GOOD WITERS USE SUSPENSE IT'S THE MOST BASIC WRITING SKILL EVER.
Lay off the caps man...suspense is not and I repeat not the most basic writing skill ever in not my mind or hanako's mind. I believe that spelling is the most basic, something even you fail to do correctly. I never told you to stop writing this, I actually want you to keep writing. I like it very much, it just has no plot or anything behind it.
Why, Yes
Chris Martin is my avatar.

Safari Type: Ghost
Shuppet, Dusclops, Phantump
PM for FC
Age 33
What?
Seen October 29th, 2012
Posted August 31st, 2009
1,028 posts
15.9 Years
"I was wondering if you could let me borrow a Charmander to train in the Battle Frontier?" says Jeremy.

"Well sure,here you go." says Oak and he gives him a Pokeball containing a Charmander.

the chapter ends with Jeremy going to Route 1 to train his newly obtained Charmander!
Yes because Proffesor Oak hands out rare starter pokemon to a random trainer he just met just like that. There needs to be some sort of connection made between Oak and Jeremy. I don't think I would let you borrow my PS3 if I hardly knew you.
Ash releases strong pokemon and Paul releases weak pokemon.Ash=stupid,Paul=smart.
Congratulations! Your Super Smash Bros. Melee has evolved into Super Smash Bros. Brawl!
Super Smash Bros. Brawl wants to learn the character Lucario.
However, Super Smash Bros. Brawl already knows four pokemon characters.
Should a character be deleted and replaced with Lucario?
Which character should be forgotten?
1,2, and... ... ... Poof!
Super Smash Bros. Brawl forgot Mewtwo.
And...
Super Smash Bros. Brawl learned Lucario!