Lash

Age 30
Mesa, Arizona
Seen February 5th, 2010
Posted December 4th, 2009
1,010 posts
16.6 Years
Pokemon: Pressure. Ash's Greatest Test.
PG-13 for low violence, low to mild usage of cuss words.

(Well, here goes my first, hopefully good Pokemon Fanfiction.)

Prologue;-

A total of five years have passed ever since that day. The day Pallet Towns greatest Pokemon trainer set out on his journey, turning 10. Though age 10 may be the average exciting birthday to all of those new to that age, a legend would come out of this day. This Legends name; Is none other than Ash Ketchum.

In Pallet Town, Ash received his first Pokemon, Pikachu, and set out on a journey that would last a lifetime. First setting out through Kanto, Ash's skills were mediocre, but he still had a courageous heart. His greatest foes, who's Team plays a major role in this story; Team Rocket. Now obviously Jessie and James were no problem, their Leader, Giovanni was very suspicious.

Ash would be considered to be a "bastard" child, growing up without a father, only his mother. Always, his fathers identity was always questioned. This thought never occurred into Ash's mind during his Pokemon journey, with an expectation for once, when Ash laid eyes upon Team Rockets Leader, Giovanni, if only for a second while traveling through the Johto Region. The thought of this man was always in the back of his head during his Pokemon Journey.

The Rocket Leader had always been watching Ash, and his battling skills.

After Winning the Sinnoh League Competition, Ash's first League Winning Victory, summoned great pride, determination, and power within him. The young trainer decided to go back to Pallet Town to rest for awhile, now at age 15.

He sits outside in Pallet Town with his Pikachu, not expecting his greatest test too soon arise.


I hope I have enough description in the kind of short prologue D:
Kind of new to Fanfiction, so obviously I would have to post it here in the Revision Bin.
RIP Jimmy "The Rev" Sullivan
Feb 10th, 1981 - Dec 28th, 2009

"Jimmy you are forever in our hearts"


And **** you 2009 for taking him from us.
Age 36
Seen 15 Hours Ago
Posted 2 Days Ago
Hello! Hope you don't mind that I'm going to give you some constructive criticism on your story. I mean, if you do mind, that's okay... =o

In the actual quotes, bold words are corrections in grammar that I made. Other marks in the quotes are explained following each part.

A total of five years have passed ever since that day. The day Pallet Town's greatest Pokemon trainer set out on his journey, turning 10.
The last sentence really doesn't make much sense, especially the latter part of it: "turning 10" what? I feel that "on his tenth birthday" would be a much better way to phrase it, especially since the next sentence talks about birthdays.

Though age 10 may be the average exciting birthday to all of those new to that age, a legend would come out of this day. This Legend's name is none other than Ash Ketchum.

In Pallet Town, Ash received his first Pokemon, Pikachu, and set out on a journey that would last a lifetime. First setting out through Kanto, Ash's skills were mediocre, but he still had a courageous heart. His greatest foes, who's Team plays a major role in this story is Team Rocket. Now obviously Jessie and James were no problem, buttheir Leader, Giovanni was very suspicious.
I really think that there is no reason to bold Ash's name. Right off the top of my head, I can't think of a good way to set it apart from the rest of the text. Sorry. xP

The underlined part should be rewritten. First of all, you have the wrong form of "who" there. You need "whose" which is the possessive form; "who's" is the contraction of "who is". "Team" shouldn't be capitalized either. I would try "His greatest foe, who play a major role in this story is Team Rocket." "Foe" is singular because "Team Rocket" is one noun, and so "play" has become a singular verb.

Ash would be considered to be a "bastard" child, growing up without a father, only his mother. Always, his father's identity was always questioned. This thought never occurred into Ash's mind during his Pokemon journey, with an expectation for once, when Ash laid eyes upon Team Rocket's Leader, Giovanni, if only for a second while traveling through the Johto Region. The thought of this man was always in the back of his head during his Pokemon Journey.
The two underlined "always" are too close to one another, and had no need to be repeated. One or the other shows us that his father's identity comes up often, so you don't need both. Also, the third sentence of this paragraph seems rather long. I guess one of the problems is that you tell the reader again that Giovanni is the leader of Team Rocket when you already said so in the previous paragraph. Reread your chapter after you typed it to catch this repetitions on your own.

The Rocket Leader had always been watching Ash, and his battling skills.

After winning the Sinnoh League Competition, Ash's first League Winning victory, summoned great pride, determination, and power within him. The young trainer decided to go back to Pallet Town to rest for awhile, now at age 15.

He sits outside in Pallet Town with his Pikachu, not expecting his greatest test to soon arise.
Just grammar nitpicks here. The underlined comma is not needed. The underlined "winning" is also not needed, because "victory" tells the reader that he won.

Really, this was all just things that a simple reread over would have fixed. Not too shabby.

The other problem that I have with your prologue is that it just seems to be a summary. Possibly a better way to do this was to have Ash returning home and thinking back to all he's accomplished, perhaps by having memories resurface as he gazes at objects?

Ash's eyes fell on the glimmering gold statue he won from the Orange League. He remembered traveling though the archipelago with Misty and Tracey. It was a "fun time in the tropics", and Ash was slightly disappointed to see it end. But the adventure ended with his victory in the Orange League against Drake! It was the first time he won against that powerful of an opponent.
That's kind of what I'm talking about. Have sensual reminders to help bring up memories. This also will shed a light into Ash's thoughts, depending how deep you go. It's also much better than just telling the reader what happened.

That's really my only problem with your prologue. There wasn't much more description you could have thrown in. (A physical description of Ash would be done in action, instead of just a summary. So there's no need to worry about that in your prologue.)

Good luck to you in your writing! ^^

Avatar credit: Fairy

Lash

Age 30
Mesa, Arizona
Seen February 5th, 2010
Posted December 4th, 2009
1,010 posts
16.6 Years
A total of five years have passed since that day. On his 10th birthday, Pallet Town's greatest trainer set out of his journey.

Though age 10 may be the average exciting birthday to all of those new to that age, a legend would come out of this day. This Legend's name is none other than Ash Ketchum.

In Pallet Town, Ash received his first Pokemon, Pikachu, and set out on a journey that would last a lifetime. This being his first journey, Ash's skills were mediocre, but he still had a loving, courageous heart.
His greatest foe, who play a major role in this story is team Rocket.

Ash would be considered to be a "bastard" child, growing up without a father, only his mother. His father's identity was always questioned. This thought never occurred into Ash's mind during his Pokemon journey, with an expectation for once; When Ash laid eyes upon Team Rocket's Leader, Giovanni, if only for a second while traveling through the Johto Region. The thought of this man was always in the back of his head during his Pokemon Journey.

The Rocket Leader had always been watching Ash, and his battling skills.

After winning the Sinnoh League Competition, Ash's first League victory, summoned great pride, determination, and power within him. The young trainer decided to go back to Pallet Town, Kanto, his home town and region; To rest for awhile, a great milestone of his journey now over.

Ash looks up into the sky while walking through the center of Viridian city, with somewhat of both a smile and a frown upon face. Pikachu, on shoulder, looked up into the sky, while Ash carries in his arms the Sinnoh Leaue 1st place trophy. While walking past the city Pokemon center, he drifts into a battle flashback.

|The flashback looked upon a battle field, in a stadium. A trainer on each side of the battle feild, and a big screen showing each trainer's current battle info, and remaining Pokemon, it had seemed to be a tough and long battle, the screen showing each trainer with five black marks with only one Pokemon left.

"Pikachu, charge at it with Iron Tail!" Commanded Ash, in battle.

"I don't think so! Electevire, counter with Thunder Punch!" Commanded the opponent, none other than Ash's Sinnoh rival, Paul.

The two trainers commanding out their attacks, powerful Pokemon charge at eachother; One with a fist surrounded by electricity, and the other Pokemon with a solid steel tail. Both powers collide, sending out power surges through the battle feild, which quickly causes an explosion.

"ALRIGHT! THIS NEXT MOVE WILL SURELY BE THE END FOLKS! WHICH DO YOU THINK WILL END THIS YEARS POKEMON LEAGUE COMPETITION? ASH OR PAUL?"

A voice is yelled over the intercom, smoke clearing from the explosion. Two battered panting Pokemon stand on the field, each looking like they each have one last attack in them.

"Alright Pikachu, finish this off, Volt Tackle!"- Ash

"Electevire! Don't let them win! Giga Impact!"- Paul

Pikachu charges out towards the foe, surrounded by a mass amount of electricity. Electevire charges out also, body surrounded by a powerful energy. The Pokemon collide, using all their power in this last shot to push the other back. Like the last attack, this causes an explosion from the huge impact of powers. The entire stadium stays quiet, as smoke clears from the explosion. Again, the battered Pokemon stand, wobbly, each trying to stay up. Electevire pauses for a small moment, falling forwards. Once landing on the ground, its eyes seems to be in a swirl. Pikachu keeps its ground, as Electevire's picture on the screen turning into a black mark. Ash had now won the match.

The fans in the crowd cheered, and the intercom voice yelling out, "WHAT AN AMAZING MATCH! A GLORIUS MATCH TO BEHOLD! BUT IN THE END, ASH KETCHUM FROM PALLET TOWN CAME OUT VICTORIUS! CONGRATULATIONS! THE SINNOH LEAGUE COMPETITION HAS COME OUT WITH A VICTOR!"|

The flashback ends, Ash with a smile on his face, remembering how bittersweet the victory was. He had won a match against the rival, but that victory meant the end of this great Sinnoh journey. He continues to walk on, gripping his trophy tight.

Ash stops his movement for a moment, seeing hills and houses before him. He was now home in Pallet Town. He began to run towards the area of his house, happy, but not expecting yet another truly life changing journey to soon arise.
RIP Jimmy "The Rev" Sullivan
Feb 10th, 1981 - Dec 28th, 2009

"Jimmy you are forever in our hearts"


And **** you 2009 for taking him from us.
In a House
Seen March 20th, 2016
Posted January 22nd, 2010
1,823 posts
16.6 Years
Hmm... I'd say that you need to learn how to use past tense verbs, as it makes sewing in flashbacks that much easier. You should probably also learn about connections. You never say "Drifted into a flashback". Let's look at Hanako's example. Ash looks at something and makes a mental connection to something that happened in the past. It might be nice to show how the blue sky is connected to his battle with Paul. In addition, manuscript form demands that you never write '10' in a story. Always write out the word "ten". In addition, you forget something very important:

WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS SAVORY DO THE CHARACTERS LOOK LIKE?

We've been introduced to Ash, Pikachu, Paul, and Electivire. What the heck do any of them look like? For all I know, Ash weighs two hundred pounds, Electivire looks like a demonic refrigerator, and Paul wears a tutu and sounds like a munchkin from Wizard of Oz. I'm sorry, but just because we're using characters from the anime doesn't mean we get off without describing them. Of course, keep in mind there are ways to describe wrong and ways to describe right. Let's look at them, shall we?

Yuna was a young girl who wore a long, white dress, sparkly slippers, and a silver bow in her hair. She had long, lacy gloves, blue eyes, and her hair was blonde.
Now see, this is wrong. First off, it's a list, which takes away from the action generated. Second, it doesn't tell us about Yuna's personality or WHY she's wearing that stuff. Let's try it the RIGHT way:

Yuna smiled as she walked to the mirror. Today was her thirteenth birthday, and she was quite elated as she pulled her blonde hair into a ponytail and tied it with a bow of silver ribbon. Skipping merrily to her closet, she removed a large, frilly white dress which she hastily exchanged for her pajamas. Racing back to the mirror, she hastily gazed at her reflection, making sure that nothing was on her face. She sighed in relief as she only met the reflection of her baby-blue eyes. Smiling smugly, she reached into her drawers and removed a pair of long, white gloves her mother had given her to wear to the theatre that day. Once these had been donned, she reached below her antiqure bureau, removing a treasure: a pair of sparkling, silver slippers. Confident that she now outshone the world, Yuna skipped out of her room to the patio, where her mother would be waiting with the car.
Do you see the difference there? Good, because that's an important skill to develop when writing. Any questions, don't hesitate to ask. That is all!

x x x x

Lash

Age 30
Mesa, Arizona
Seen February 5th, 2010
Posted December 4th, 2009
1,010 posts
16.6 Years
lol @ mental image from Ash weighing 200 pounds and Paul wearing a tutu XD

But I shall work on the descriptions next time I tweak with the prologue. Thanks for the advice 8D
RIP Jimmy "The Rev" Sullivan
Feb 10th, 1981 - Dec 28th, 2009

"Jimmy you are forever in our hearts"


And **** you 2009 for taking him from us.
the depths of darkness
Seen May 6th, 2009
Posted April 24th, 2009
209 posts
15.5 Years
Okay, just finished. There are some problems. The first thing that sticks out to me is how you confuse your tenses. Like here:

Ash looks up into the sky while walking through the center of Viridian city, with somewhat of both a smile and a frown upon face. Pikachu, on shoulder, looked up into the sky, while Ash carries in his arms the Sinnoh Leaue 1st place trophy. While walking past the city Pokemon center, he drifts into a battle flashback.
Just read what you write out loud and you will be able to catch small problems like that easily.

Though age 10 may be the average exciting birthday to all of those new to that age, a legend would come out of this day. This Legend's name is none other than Ash Ketchum.
Read this one to yourself. The sentence needs to be cleaned up a bit. It would work better like this:

Age ten might be an average, normal birthday to all of those new to that age. This day would be different, however. A legend would come out of this day. This Legend's name is none other than Ash Ketchum.
Not perfect, but you see what I'm getting at.

"Alright Pikachu, finish this off, Volt Tackle!" exclaimed Ash.

"Electevire! Don't let them win! Giga Impact!" cried Paul.
Corrections in bold.

Not a whole lot else I can say. Just try to slow down and proofread what you write. Ash is really overused in fics, but if you think you have something new for him then by all means continue.