A Shocking New Friend

Started by Dark Jay November 5th, 2007 1:08 PM
  • 754 views
  • 5 replies
Age 27
England, UK
Seen December 24th, 2008
Posted April 20th, 2008
88 posts
15.5 Years
This is my first piece of fan fiction, so please leave any suggestions for improvement. It's about how an ordinary boy makes friends with a pokemon.

A Shocking New Friend

By Jack Griffiths

This story takes place in the town of Sandgem, in the Sinnoh region.

Jay finally awoke from his slumber to find that Turtwig had pooed on his bedroom floor. "Eurgh! Turtwig! Bad boy! Shoo!" Turtwig's head dropped, as he scurried out of sight. Jay sighed, and took a plastic bag from his cupboard to dispose of the poo. Reluctantly, he managed to get it into the bin without dropping any. He smiled as the smell of pancakes drifted in his bedroom door. "Jay! Breakfast is ready!" He ran downstairs and sat down at the table. His mother placed 3 pancakes drizzled in syrup and honey on his plates as he licked his lips and started to eat.

"Thanks for the yummy breakfast mum!" he said, and he ran back upstairs. Turtwig had come out of hiding with a sad look on his face. "Look Turtwig, I'm sorry I shouted. It's just hard when you keep pooing everywhere!" Turtwig liked to eat a lot, so it's only natural that he did poo a lot. Jay laughed and patted him on the head. He put on his clothes, got his bag and ran downstairs with Turtwig not far behind. "Me and Josh are going for a walk. Is that OK with you?" he asked his mum.
"Yes, as long as you take caution in the tall grass. Always have Turtwig by your side."
"I will Mum," he replied, and waved as he walked out the door with Turtwig.

He went straight over to Josh's house to call for him, but he could see Josh standing outside already. They signalled each other and entered Route 202.
"So then, did you bring the poke balls?" asked Josh.
"Yup, got 'em right here." replied Jay. Josh and Jay were amateur pokemon trainers. Professor Rowan of Sandgem blessed them with the burden of completing the pokedex. They were planning on catching some new pokemon so they could become stronger. Josh had chosen Chimchar as his partner, where as Jay chose Turtwig. They entered a patch of tall grass to check for pokemon when suddenly a spark of electricity appeared out of nowhere and a pokemon attacked!

"Go Turtwig!" shouted Jay as he tossed a poke ball into the air.
"Go Chimchar!" bellowed Josh as he mimiced Jay. Turtwig and Chimchar appeared with a rearing-to-go expression on their faces. Jay drew his pokedex and identified the wild pokemon. The pokedex said it was Shinx, and electric pokemon. Jay smiled. He really liked electric pokemon and wanted one in his team. "Turtwig, razor leaf!" he commanded, and Turtwig obeyed. Thousands of sharp leaves flew into the air and impaled the Shinx with great power. Shinx cringed for a second, then retalliated. It used Spark on Josh's Chimchar. With great speed, the Chimchar dodged and sent an Ember right back at it. The Shinx was now weak. A grin appeared on Jay's face and he began to get out a poke ball.

Suddenly, the Shinx glowed bright yellow and a huge flash was given off. Jay went completely blind for a second. Josh fell over in shock. Turtwig however was somehow unaffected. It became angry at the sight of it's trainer in peril and tackled the Shinx to the floor. Shinx had almost fainted. Jay dropped his poke ball, and Chimchar caught it. He threw it to Turtwig who threw it at Shinx. The Shinx was now completely vunerable, and the poke ball began glowing. Click...Click...Click...CLICK! Shinx had being caught!

Jay, who was sitll recovering from the impact of the flash, picked up his new pokemon, and held it in the air. "Yes! I got a Shinx!" he shouted in a huge proud voice. Josh smiled, and Turtwig and Chimchar growled in delight. Jay was now one step closer to becoming stronger.

The End...for now...


Thanks for the cool signature Combee! =]

.:: Co-Owner of the Cute But Deadly Clan ::.

Please contact me if you wish you challenge me. But don't get your hopes up, victory doesn't come easy!

No, I am not overcompetitive. I don't care about natures. I don't EV or IV train. I don't even care if I get beaten by a Magikarp. But, I do care about my Pokemon. I raise them from tiny eggs and I try my best to make them happy. If you follow this motto, copy and paste it onto your signature.
Age 28
Male
NY
Seen January 29th, 2014
Posted January 14th, 2014
1,290 posts
15.8 Years
This is my first piece of fan fiction, so please leave any suggestions for improvement. It's about how an ordinary boy makes friends with a pokemon.

A Shocking New Friend

By Jack Griffiths

This story takes place in the town of Sandgem, in the Sinnoh region.

Jay finally awoke from his slumber to find that Turtwig had pooed on his bedroom floor. "Eurgh! Turtwig! Bad boy! Shoo!" Turtwig's head dropped, as he scurried out of sight. Jay sighed, and took a plastic bag from his cupboard to dispose of the poo. Reluctantly, he managed to get it into the bin without dropping any. He smiled as the smell of pancakes drifted in his bedroom door. "Jay! Breakfast is ready!" He ran downstairs and sat down at the table. His mother placed 3 pancakes drizzled in syrup and honey on his plates as he licked his lips and started to eat.

"Thanks for the yummy breakfast mum!" he said, and he ran back upstairs. Turtwig had come out of hiding with a sad look on his face. "Look Turtwig, I'm sorry I shouted. It's just hard when you keep pooing everywhere!" Turtwig liked to eat a lot, so it's only natural that he did poo a lot. Jay laughed and patted him on the head. He put on his clothes, got his bag and ran downstairs with Turtwig not far behind. "Me and Josh are going for a walk. Is that OK with you?" he asked his mum.
"Yes, as long as you take caution in the tall grass. Always have Turtwig by your side."
"I will Mum," he replied, and waved as he walked out the door with Turtwig.

He went straight over to Josh's house to call for him, but he could see Josh standing outside already. They signalled each other and entered Route 202.
"So then, did you bring the poke balls?" asked Josh.
"Yup, got 'em right here." replied Jay. Josh and Jay were amateur pokemon trainers. Professor Rowan of Sandgem blessed them with the burden of completing the pokedex. They were planning on catching some new pokemon so they could become stronger. Josh had chosen Chimchar as his partner, where as Jay chose Turtwig. They entered a patch of tall grass to check for pokemon when suddenly a spark of electricity appeared out of nowhere and a pokemon attacked!

"Go Turtwig!" shouted Jay as he tossed a poke ball into the air.
"Go Chimchar!" bellowed Josh as he mimiced Jay. Turtwig and Chimchar appeared with a rearing-to-go expression on their faces. Jay drew his pokedex and identified the wild pokemon. The pokedex said it was Shinx, and electric pokemon. Jay smiled. He really liked electric pokemon and wanted one in his team. "Turtwig, razor leaf!" he commanded, and Turtwig obeyed. Thousands of sharp leaves flew into the air and impaled the Shinx with great power. Shinx cringed for a second, then retalliated. It used Spark on Josh's Chimchar. With great speed, the Chimchar dodged and sent an Ember right back at it. The Shinx was now weak. A grin appeared on Jay's face and he began to get out a poke ball.

Suddenly, the Shinx glowed bright yellow and a huge flash was given off. Jay went completely blind for a second. Josh fell over in shock. Turtwig however was somehow unaffected. It became angry at the sight of it's trainer in peril and tackled the Shinx to the floor. Shinx had almost fainted. Jay dropped his poke ball, and Chimchar caught it. He threw it to Turtwig who threw it at Shinx. The Shinx was now completely vunerable, and the poke ball began glowing. Click...Click...Click...CLICK! Shinx had being caught!

Jay, who was sitll recovering from the impact of the flash, picked up his new pokemon, and held it in the air. "Yes! I got a Shinx!" he shouted in a huge proud voice. Josh smiled, and Turtwig and Chimchar growled in delight. Jay was now one step closer to becoming stronger.

The End...for now...
NO HANAKO! I GET THIS ONE!

Sorry...now...
This is actually a pretty good story.

Jay finally awoke from his slumber to find that Turtwig had pooed on his bedroom floor. "Eurgh! Turtwig! Bad boy! Shoo!" Turtwig's head dropped, as he scurried out of sight. Jay sighed, and took a plastic bag from his cupboard to dispose of the poo. Reluctantly, he managed to get it into the bin without dropping any. He smiled as the smell of pancakes drifted in his bedroom door. "Jay! Breakfast is ready!" He ran downstairs and sat down at the table. His mother placed 3 pancakes drizzled in syrup and honey on his plates as he licked his lips and started to eat.
I thought this was really funny. Whenever you said a poo, a smile came upon me. The only thing really was the things I bolded. The good stuff was italisized (SP?)

Okay, when you started to talk about Jay, maybe use a little description. I want to know what Jay looks like! Have him look in the mirror which introduces his appearance. You want to paint a picture in the readers mind. Also, besides the fact that there is poo in the room, describe what his room looks like. More interesting non? Also, when someone is speaking, hit the enter key twice. So instead of this:

...bedroom floor. "Eurgh! Turtwig! Bad boy! Shoo!"
and this,

...bedroom door. Jay! Breakfast is ready!"
Make it like this:

...bedroom floor.

"Eurgh! Turtwig! Bad boy! Shoo!"
and this,

...bedroom door.

"Jay! Breakfast is ready!"
better non? That was the most of it really, oh right, numbers below 100 should be typed out.
Why, Yes
Chris Martin is my avatar.

Safari Type: Ghost
Shuppet, Dusclops, Phantump
PM for FC
Age 27
England, UK
Seen December 24th, 2008
Posted April 20th, 2008
88 posts
15.5 Years
Thanks. At least I didn't do too bad for my first piece. XD.


Thanks for the cool signature Combee! =]

.:: Co-Owner of the Cute But Deadly Clan ::.

Please contact me if you wish you challenge me. But don't get your hopes up, victory doesn't come easy!

No, I am not overcompetitive. I don't care about natures. I don't EV or IV train. I don't even care if I get beaten by a Magikarp. But, I do care about my Pokemon. I raise them from tiny eggs and I try my best to make them happy. If you follow this motto, copy and paste it onto your signature.

Gummy

by fire be P U R G E D

Age 30
Male
Brooklyn, NY
Seen December 26th, 2013
Posted October 26th, 2013
4,518 posts
16.3 Years
Welcome to the Fan-Fiction Forum! Now, on to the review:

EDIT: ScytheMaster beat me to the punch.. oh well!


This story takes place in the town of Sandgem, in the Sinnoh region.
In the world of fanfiction, description is EVERYTHING. Well, mostly everything. In all honesty, I haven't played the 4th Gen games in some time and I have absolutely no idea how Sangem Town looks. Since you're a beginner, just shoot for some simple descriptions like describing Rowan's lab as the biggest structure there, and how you could barely call it a town because of it's small size. On the note of description, you should also tell us how Jay and Turtwig look. I know, I know: "Turtwig is a Pokemon, you should know how he looks!" Well, let's pretend I don't. This goes along with all other Pokemon and characters in the chapter.


Jay sighed, and took a plastic bag from his cupboard to dispose of the poo. Reluctantly, he managed to get it into the bin without dropping any.
Nothing too big, but "reluctantly" doesn't sound right in this statement. The way it's worded, it sounds like he wants the poo to fall on the floor before he can throw it away. Amazingly or Suprisingly would be a better choice here.


His mother placed 3 pancakes drizzled in...
Another simple mistake (more like an unwritten rule, actually). Numbers below one hundred should be written out in words, unless the numbers are part of the name (like a 24/7 Diner or the name of a Route)


So then, did you bring the poke balls?" asked Josh.
I think pokeballs is one word.


"Go Turtwig!" shouted Jay as he tossed a poke ball into the air.
"Go Chimchar!" bellowed Josh as he mimiced Jay.
Ah... time to get to the simple stuff. When writing dialogue between two or more characters, you want to hit enter twice with every new speaker. This way, everything is not all clustered up and the life of us readers become easier. For example, it should be:

"Go Turtwig!" shouted Jay as he tossed a poke ball into the air.

"Go Chimchar!" bellowed Josh as he mimiced Jay.

Jay dropped his poke ball, and Chimchar caught it. He threw it to Turtwig who threw it at Shinx.
No no no, Turtwig don't have hands. You should be more specific and say he caught it in his mouth or something.


And that's all I can thing of right now. You might want to check out some of the stickied threads in the Writer's Lounge for some extra help. I see no problems with your grammar and the battle was okay. However, you do need to work on your descriptions and characters a little. Jay and Turtwig seem like your everyday, nothing special types and I have nothing on Josh and Chimchar. Good luck on the next chapter, or maybe you can rewrite this one.


Monotype Fire Challenge

Age 28
Male
NY
Seen January 29th, 2014
Posted January 14th, 2014
1,290 posts
15.8 Years
Well, on what glummy said, turtwigs do have hands, just no oposable thumbs. xD

Anyway here are some helpful thread for you to check out



Hanako's very helpful grammar advice
Some helpful guides
Examples of a good fanfic
Another guide
Why, Yes
Chris Martin is my avatar.

Safari Type: Ghost
Shuppet, Dusclops, Phantump
PM for FC
Age 27
England, UK
Seen December 24th, 2008
Posted April 20th, 2008
88 posts
15.5 Years
I gather people here are totally mad about grammar. We're doing grammar at school now, so hopefully it'll improve.

Anyway, thanks for all the advice! I'll try to use it in my next piece.


Thanks for the cool signature Combee! =]

.:: Co-Owner of the Cute But Deadly Clan ::.

Please contact me if you wish you challenge me. But don't get your hopes up, victory doesn't come easy!

No, I am not overcompetitive. I don't care about natures. I don't EV or IV train. I don't even care if I get beaten by a Magikarp. But, I do care about my Pokemon. I raise them from tiny eggs and I try my best to make them happy. If you follow this motto, copy and paste it onto your signature.