The fresh scent of flowers filled air the as Tyson made his way towards Prof. Rowan’s lab on the outskirt of Sandgem Town. It was a beautiful day as many Pokemon were out today taking advantage of the good weather. Wild Bidoof were everywhere searching for food as a flock of Starly flew over head roaming
the vast skies. Tyson continued to walk down the trail where he could
see Prof. Rowan’s lab
in sight.
You've got a random line break between "roaming" and "vast skies" here. Decent description, but it doesn't work that well as an introductory paragraph. Maybe introduce Tyson in some way before describing what he's doing. He's the main character, so you should start by giving the reader some form of physical description that they can link to him. Maybe replace the "Tyson" here with something like "a boy/person/whatever" then fit his physical description as you describe what he's doing. (e.g. "the breeze danced around him, ruffling his [Insert descriptives here] hair and tugging at his [Insert clothing here] (and remember: copy-pasting examples like this is bad. I'm just doing this to illustrate what I mean)). How to say...just keep your character's name under wraps until you have some particular reason to let the reader know it. ;3 Also, having both 'see' and 'in sight' within that same sentence is tautology (=needless repetition). If the lab is within sight then he can obviously see it, and vice versa. Just go with one of those.
Tyson could hardly believe that he was about to go start his on Pokemon Journey. He had read many magazines about trainers starting their journey and becoming expert Pokemon Trainers. His day had finally come to him obtain his first Pokemon and start his adventure. Tyson hurried along the trail to Prof. Rowan’s lab and finally came to a large white building. At the entrance of the lab was a tall elderly man with a white bread along with his bread he had white hair and was wherein a long white lab coat with brown pants. Tyson
apache the man slightly scared of his appearance as he had a mean look on his face.
Tyson's an apache? o.O *shot* Careful with those typos. Also, comma after 'the man'. The way you've currently worded it also implies that
Tyson has a mean look on his face as he approaches the professor.
“Who might you be young
men” said the guy with his deep voice.
So why did the good professor suddenly make a change from 'man' to 'guy'? There is quite a significant shift in collocation (associations) here as 'guy' is a very informal term in comparison to 'man'. Maybe use another word? Also, unless the good professor is getting senile or seeing double that should be 'young m
an' rather than 'young men'. Still missing Tyson's physical description too. .__.
“I’m Tyson from TwinLeaf Town” said Tyson nervously. “I came to get my starter from Prof.Rowan.”
And this would have been a handy place to hand Tyson's name to the reader. See...this is what I mean about introducing information as it becomes relevant. I also find it vaguely odd that Tyson, nervous as he is, isn't giving his full name. I mean, he
must have a surname, right?
“Well you came to the right place” said the man laughing at how nervous Tyson was. “I’m Prof. Rowan
Pokemon Researcher.”
Random line break again. Also, you need a comma after "the man" and another after "Rowan.". Also, unless he's concretely saying 'prof' (which would be rather odd since he's always struck me as a pretty formal type) then you should write out 'professor'.
“
Your Prof.Rowan” said Tyson as he started to get more excited. “I read about you in books you look like nothing the books describe about you.”
"You're" rather than "your". And...is it really necessary to repeat the good professor's name in each and every line of this conversation? o.O Also, now he's excited? Where did the scariness go? xP Emotional coherence, please. Also, judging by the paragraph following this one, I'd assume that Tyson is surprised at this discovery, yes? Let's see that in a description of his expression. (dropping jaws, widened eyes, just pick your favorite expression) The complete lack of physical description surrounding Tyson is making it hard for me to relate to him, understand him or - for that matter - even care about him. That's not a good thing for a main protagonist. To give the appropriate tone to Tyson's inqury, I'd also suggest a question mark after the "professor Rowan" (typing those five letters at the end won't take much effort on your part, so please do it) and putting the "You're" in italics. I'd also suggest something besides 'said' in this instance.
A sweat drop appeared on the back of Prof.Rowan head as he heard Tyson go on talking.
“Let’s not waste time talking how about we get you your starter Pokemon now” said Prof. Rowan as he entered the lab.
Bit of an anime thing, eh? It's your call, I suppose. Full stop needed after "talking" and a question mark after "now". Anyway, you've got some needless filler description. The "as he heard Tyson go on talking" just really isn't needed, and neither is the "said Prof.Rowan as he entered the lab.". Instead, you can fuse those two paragraphs into one, like so:
Originally Posted by Example
A sweat drop appeared on the back of Professor Rowan's head, "Let's not waste time talking. How about we get you your starter pokémon now?"
See what I mean? The part about entering the lab isn't really necessary since it's made obvious in the next paragraph.
Tyson quickly followed Prof. Rowan into the lab and was amaze
d at what he saw. Flashing machines were everywhere
, analyzing data
, and many of Prof. Rowan assistant
s were walking
through room through room. Prof. Rowan led Tyson through many rooms as they finally came to what looked like a check up room for Pokemon. In the middle of the room was a small white table with three Pokeballs on it.
I'm really missing some kind of response from Tyson here. (you know, nod of the head or some similar gesture of agreeing to the suggestion) Anyways, the 'were' implies multiple assistants and you need a pair of commas there and you missed a 'd' in 'amazed'. *Pokes quote* Anyway, I don't get what you meant to say with that underlined part. Maybe something like "A number of assistants were walking back and forth between the many rooms Professor Rowan led them through". Given his enthusiastic nature, some additional observations on Tyson's part would be nice here. How does being in the lab make him feel? Nervous, excited, curious? Combination thereof? Any speculations on what the assistants are doing? Any particular scenes or pieces of conversation that strike him as he's being ushered through the place?
“Each of these contains Pokemon given to new trainers in Sinnoh” said Prof. Rowan. ”The Pokeball to your left contains Chimchar a Fire Pokemon.” “The Pokeball in the middle contains Piplup a Water Pokemon.” “Finally the last Pokeball contains Turtwig a Grass Pokemon.” “Each of these Pokemon have their own strengths and weakness so choose
wisely Tyson"
said Prof. Rowan
Okay...this bit is just messy, to be honest. You only need to put new quotation marks if there's a change of speaker or a piece of written description in-between the quotations. In this case, there isn't so remove those extra quotation marks. You also misspelled 'wisely'.
Tyson could hardly decide on which Pokemon to choose from as he looked
aitches to choose one. Tyson wanted a strong and trustworthy Pokemon that would stand by his side. Tyson had finally decided he quickly pick up the Pokeball containing Turtwig the Grass Pokemon.
Okay, I honestly don't know what 'aitches' means (other than the plural of the letter 'h's pronounciation) but I'd say that it's not the word you intended to put there. The bit about the pokéball's contents is also redundant as he proclaims his choice right after this. I'm also a bit dubious about the use of the word 'hardly' in this instance, but meh...
“I choose Turtwig
, Prof. Rowan” said Tyson happily.
Comma needed after Turtwig, unless it's called "Turtwig Prof. Rowan", which is one of the wackiest nicknames I've ever heard. Also, where did the difficulty of the choice go? Emotional coherence is very important for characterization.
“Good Choice” said Prof Rowan. “
Throughout adventures you will find many Pokemon through the region of Sinnoh. “So you will need these” [U]said Prof. Rowan
handing Tyson a small red device and 5 Pokeballs. “The Pokedex will help you Identify Pokemon you don’t know while Pokeballs help you capture them.”[/Quote]
Another 'said' and a repetition of the professor's name is pointless. You can just say "he handed Tyson a small red device and five pokéballs". Also, seeing as you how described the pokédex, I find it odd that you didn't give the pokéballs the same treatment. Oh, and letters of ten and above are always written out unless they're part of a sequence like a code or so it's "five" rather than "5".
Tyson place
d the
5 Pokeballs into his black backpack and his Pokedex into this black jeans left pocket.
'Placed' rather than 'place'. Also, we just got to know that there are five pokéballs in the previous paragraph so that's needless and bothersome repetition. The "jeans" bit (need I mention that this is way too far into the chapter to start giving descriptions? That's the sort of thing that you should have addressed in the beginning of the chapter) is also awkward. Just go with "into the pocket of his jeans".
“Well I better get going” said Tyson. “Thanks for the advice Prof. Rowan I’ll try my best to become a great trainer “
said Tyson has he exited the room.
Okay, a big problem that I really need to point out since you keep making that mistake. Don't repeat the characters' names all the time. It's extremely repetitive and gets annoying very quickly. Keep your description varied by using alternative names for your characters "boy", "teenager/whatever age group he is in" etc. for Tyson, "professor", "old man", etc. for Rowan. The English language is very rich in vocabulary, so make use of it.
“Good Luck” Tyson said Prof. Rowan “Try not to get into any trouble.”
"Tyson" should be within the quotes, I believe. Also, the first letter in 'luck' should not be capitalized there.
The sun was still shining as Tyson exited Prof. Rowan lab and was
aitches to try out his new Pokemon.
Tyson's first stop was going to be Route 201 as he wanted to do so training there before heading to Sandgem Town. Tyson grabbed Turtwig Pokeballs from his pocket and
tosses it into the air releasing a familiar white. When the light disappeared a small green turtle like with a brown shell and a leaf on top of its head was left in its place.
Again, what the heck does 'aitches' mean? >.< Also, there's a big plot problem here because Rowan's lab, if you'll remember, is located in Sandgem Town so he would have had to head there just to get his pokémon. Also, "Tyson's" rather than "Tyson" since you need a possessive for "Next stop". You've also got a random present tense there (duly underlined).
“Turtwig” said the Pokemon loudly. It quickly took notice of its surrounding as it seemed a little scared of where it was.
You're missing punctuation again. Also, the 'loudly' just seems very weird since neither 'said' nor any punctuational convention here is conveying the loudness. Also,
how can Tyson tell that it looks like it's scared of its surroundings? Let's see some of Turtwig's body language.
“It’s okay Turtwig there’s nothing to be afraid of” said Tyson. “I’m your new trainer.”
Turtwig started to get more relaxed as he was glad someone was with him.
And how do we know that Turtwig is glad to be with someone? Don't just tell us what they're feeling; show it.
“Turtwig” said the Pokemon softly.
“Alright Turtwig let’s get moving” said Tyson as he continued down the path to Route 201 with Turtwig quickly following behind.
Just...not a very good ending for a chapter at all. An ending should always wrap up the events of the current chapter and - preferably - aim to either foreshadow the events of the next chapter or underline a central point of the current chapter. As it is, this looks like something from the middle of a chapter; not an end. xP
Anyway, Duncan already covered the second chapter with a fair amount of detail so I'll leave this here for now. Like he said, this fic is not bad, but it's really not that good either. Your description is lacking in numerous places (particularly when Tyson is concerned) and your character development is seriously lacking. At the end of the opening chapter, I don't know what Tyson looks like and don't really have any kind of fix on the personalities of him or Turtwig for that matter. Considering that said chapter really contained nothing but the most generic of OT material, it's not exactly getting my hopes up for the next one. You've also got a lot of grammatical errors and spell checker-style errors, which give your fic a rushed look. Focus on characterization and description (particularly emotional description) to really let Tyson and Turtwig come to life in front of the reader. Once you've got people interested in your characters, they will keep coming back to read more. ^^
And remember: this is OT fanfiction you're dealing with. It's my personal pet genre within the franchise, but it's also the most horribly overdone one so you'll really, REALLY have to put effort into your writing to give this fic something that lets it shine among the others.
Hanako Tabris'
Grammar Advice thread is definitely a must-read here, and I think that the
Fanfiction Writing Guide and
Basic Pokémon Writing FAQ would also be worth it. They're basically threads every writer should read at least once. x3