The Coming of Pokemon(Y7)

Started by Moon Diamond November 8th, 2007 3:44 PM
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  • 11 replies
Ever Grande City
Seen November 11th, 2007
Posted November 10th, 2007
19 posts
15.5 Years
Prolouge: Many many thousands of years ago, several odd creatures battled to a death. Arceusrotearc and Mewrekam, two creatures had joined together to make a huge universe and so. A creature called Serebii, and another call Jirachital had helped crate it. However, they brought to life 3 creatures. Groudon, Kyogre, and Rayquaza. The first 2 fought eachother and made hundreds of other creatures, and they fought in a great war. However, Rayquaza was given great knowledge, and made hundreds of poke'mon as well. They all cried and roared so loud, every single legendary went to sleep. However, 4 other creatures fell to the planet called "earth" and created rocks, steel, and ice. However, they tired out and went into hiding. 6 other poke'mon created fire, electricity, and snow. They went into hiding as well. 2 other poke'mon known as Seagrace and Pheox made wild fires and wind. They were both so pwerful, they went into hiding. These poke'mon are now known as Arceus, Mew, Celebi, Jirachi, Regice, Registeel, Regirock, Moltres, Entei, Articuno, Suicune, Zapdos, Raikou, Ho-Oh, and Lugia. This is a story of a land before there were humans...

Well how did you like the prolouge? It explains how the world of poke'mon was made.
Age 28
Male
In a white void, waiting to be illustrated by my mind.
Seen May 1st, 2011
Posted December 17th, 2010
354 posts
15.5 Years
There's a few mistakes in there. You said "fire" twice and its Raikou. Otherwise, its a pretty good prolouge. I look foward to you expanding on it.
You want battles? I got battles. (Note: 50/50 shot of 86420 erroring)
Soulsilver FC: 2107-1186-0700
Black FC: 4942-4730-8522

Stuff. Game Swag, your #1 stop for video game swag.
Ever Grande City
Seen November 11th, 2007
Posted November 10th, 2007
19 posts
15.5 Years
Thanks! That was probably the best prolouge I've ever written in my life honestly. Okay, here's chapter 1.
Chapter 1: The Hollow's Burrow
"Mama! Mama, tell the rest of the stowy!" said Sammy. He was a curious little eevee that had a dark spot on the left part of his face unlike other eevee. His mother was an espeon who loved all 4 of her kids called Jane. Eevee's brothers were the joteon, Tom and Ricky the glacia, who he looked up to greatly. While his other brother, an umbreon was grumpy, called Zack, and was not looked up to. His father was his role model, and was a flareon called Nick.
"That was it you little idiot!" shouted Zack vicously.
"Bwe quiet mweany!" said Sammy back at him. Zack growled and hit him.
"You little pile of Feebdrops!"
"Mama! Hwe said a bwad wowd!" shouted Sammy. Nick thumped Zack with his tail.
"Your grounded! Go to your room!" shouted Nick. Zack ran into the part of the burrow that connected to a tree hollow and climbed up to the top floor. They lived in a burrow and a tree. The burrow was a dining room, a kitchen, and a family room. It connected to a hollow tree that went to the to. The first floor wasthe parents room, the seconds was Sammy's, the third was the play room, the fourth was was Tom and Ricky's room, and the top one was Zacks. Sammy scurried off into the play room to play was his toys Ricky had made out of sticks and clay.
Ever Grande City
Seen November 11th, 2007
Posted November 10th, 2007
19 posts
15.5 Years
Chapter 2: The Landing
One day, Zack took Sammy to the top of the tree, on the highest branch on the exterior. It ws thick and rotting.
"Just keep looking down..." said Zack.
"Otay... I don't see anytwing... Hmmm... Oh what's-" then he felt something on his back. He fell over head first.
"AAAAAHHH!" screamed Sammy. He landed on a soft patch of ground far away from the home.
"Help me!" he screamed. He looked around and saw dark plains. It was night time,and his parents were out at the market. Tom and Ricky looked down from the window. He had landed below a steep hill that was unsafe.
"We'll get ya somehow!" said Tom. They dissapeared inside and ran downstairs. And then, he limped on to the market to find his parents. About half way there, he was picked up by something and looked up. He was in the grasp of a Machamp. He looked in another arm. There was a snubbull in it.
"Whewe awe we?" she asked.
"Shut up, and you'll find out!" shouted Machamp.
"Hwi, I'm Samuel, my fwiends caww mwe Swammy," said Sammy.
"I'm Jackie, dwats what day caww mwe," replied the Snubbul.
"I said SHUT UP!"
Age 28
Male
In a white void, waiting to be illustrated by my mind.
Seen May 1st, 2011
Posted December 17th, 2010
354 posts
15.5 Years
You're chapters are a little too short. Although the younger Pokemob speaking babyish gets you an A.
You want battles? I got battles. (Note: 50/50 shot of 86420 erroring)
Soulsilver FC: 2107-1186-0700
Black FC: 4942-4730-8522

Stuff. Game Swag, your #1 stop for video game swag.
Ever Grande City
Seen November 11th, 2007
Posted November 10th, 2007
19 posts
15.5 Years
Thank you and sorry. But don't get used to it, in chapter 5, it goes away. Srry about the length, it's hard to write a whole chapter in 25 minutes.
Chapter 3: Help!
The Machamp had now carried them to a huge canyon and jumped in. It was dark, made completely of rock and had no sign of any adult. He put them down and ran off. They looked around. A sea of thousands of other baby poke'mon were there. A tyranitar and a charizard stood at the front. 2 machamps were next to them.
"Attention! You are now orphans. Your parents are dead! We will take care of you from here!" shouted the Tyranitar.
"I am Jacop the Charizard, this is Devon the Tyranitar, and those machamps are Chip and Charles the Machamps. You will be directed to your rooms now!" shouted Charizard.
They followed Chip intooa large pit. They went through.
"Hwey Jwackie! Wook at that!" Sammy pointed at something that looked like a bolt or a screw on the Tyranitar. It was slightly rusted.
"SHUT UP!" shouted Chip. He was obviously the one who had captured them. They went in a small hut in the pit and shared the same room togethr. The next day the followed Chip nto a cafeteria and ate something that looked like a bunch of dad bugs mushed together.
"I'm not gwonna eawt dwis stwuff!" said a baby caterpie. It was hit acrossthe face by Chip. One day Charles came in and looked frightened at everyone.
"Mwister Charles!" swaid Sammy.
"What!?!" he said nervously.
"Why dwoes Mwister Dwevon hwave bowts in hwim?" asked Jackie.
"Ya see... he's not a tyranitar... he's not even one person. He's a group of poke'mon in a suit... I can get you out of here!"
"How!?!?" they said together.
They knew this poke'mon would help them, or trick them.
Ever Grande City
Seen November 11th, 2007
Posted November 10th, 2007
19 posts
15.5 Years
Chapter 4: A Screw Loose
"Well... come with me tonight..." said Charles. He walked away. The poor starving caterpie limped over to them and cried.
"Hewp! I'm gwonna gwet out of hewe twoo!" he said. That full moon night
they ran into a dark pit and the thee followed Charles.
"Going somewhere?" They turnd aound. Chip, Devon, and Jacob had followed them.
"ATTACK!"
Fire shot across the pit, punchess were launched, and tails swung. Sammy jumped on Devon and put his mouth around the bolt. He unscrewed it. Lackie went for another and unscrewed. he caterpie got the last one off. The body fell apart as it seemed. 546 sunkern poured out, in there small size.
"Haha! Woo is dwum dwum mwister!" shouted Caterpie. But those were his last words. Jacob had shot fire at him. Caterpie was now singed and dead.
"No!" screamed Sammy."How dare you treat him so SHAMEFULLY!!!" Sammy ran so fiercely and bit and scratched so crazy, you could barely see him. He had learned his first move. Quick attack. He used it so many times, Jacob fell flat to the ground. He was knocked out. Chip ran off screaming like a girl. Charles pounded the wall so strong, he carved out stairs. They climbed up and looked down. But when they did, Charles fell dead on the floor. Chip had puched him so hard, he died. They went on and ran, ran into the night.
"Jackie... were friends now right?" asked Sammy.
"Yep, definately..."
For the first time, they talked more maturely. They went on to the night and realized something.
"ZACK!" screamed Sammy.
"Who's that?"
"My brother! He pushed me off a tree wich is how I ended up here... He's my oldest sibling!"
"That's right! Pure! Pure evil!" said a voice. A female Umbreon popped up from the shadows.
"Who are you?"
"Your brother and I are good friends! While you were gone, we killed you parents, and your other friends got away!"
"WHAT!?!?"
"Yep... time to die!" she said. She pounced, but they dived out of the way. It made her fall down the canyon.
"... Sorry mom, but she is now, Feebdrops..." said Sammy.
Age 28
Male
NY
Seen January 29th, 2014
Posted January 14th, 2014
1,290 posts
15.8 Years
WTF? This story is so messed up! Just kidding man. It's a very strange story though...it makes very little sense also. Extremely rushed and little to no description. I have no idea who sammy or chip or anybody in this story is? I am so confused and am not following this story line at all. I would suggest rewriting everything or just start again from scratch. Why and how would a little baby pokemon kill his parents and try to kill his brother? And how did charles and caterpie die? I am so confused and can't even review this huge mess.
Why, Yes
Chris Martin is my avatar.

Safari Type: Ghost
Shuppet, Dusclops, Phantump
PM for FC
In a House
Seen March 20th, 2016
Posted January 22nd, 2010
1,823 posts
16.6 Years
Agreeing with Scythemaster here, but for now, we'll start with the basics: Have you ever heard of the Rules thread? If not, you should probably go read it. There's also a fanfiction 101 thread here, and a lovely grammar help thread written by the lovely Hanako Tabris, grammarist extraordinaire. Now, let's look at some problems in your plot.

Okay, first you've got a random Umbreon in the last chapter who is evil for no apparent reason. I mean, it's fine having evil people and all that, but why are they evil? And don't tell us "because XYZ", show us why. In addition, the "That's right! Evil! Pure evil!" thing was just weird to me. I mean, come on, WTGBBQSAUCE is up with that? Was that supposed to be threatening? It made me want to laugh. I'm sorry, that's just how we're wired. When I imagine this Umbreon saying those words, all I can think of is a little kid yelling "evilevilevilevil!" over and over again, and I crack up. Not exactly the proper reaction to a villain. Work on fixin' that, 'kaykay?

Like Scythemaster said, I have no clue who the heck anybody is in this story. Is Sammy the hero? Or was that the Umbreon who leaped over the canyon and killed people's parents for fun? And why do these Pokemon have ordinary human names? Is it just.... normal? I mean, I'm pretty sure these names didn't exist in their current form back in the dawn of human civilization, and from your prologue you've gone back farther then that. Maybe work on those logic breaks, eh?

Well, all you can do at this point is begin again. Good luck with your next try!

((BTW, I reccomend you read "an letter of complaint!!!11!!" in the fanfiction archive section for a good guide on what NOT to do.))

x x x x

Ever Grande City
Seen November 11th, 2007
Posted November 10th, 2007
19 posts
15.5 Years
... It's called "SUSPENSE". The umbreon comes back eventually. Also, remember, this taked place before humans EXISTED in the pokemon world. When aerodactyl still roamed. Also, I am translating it. And yes SAMMY IS THE HERO! I should restart... Ill start now in a new thread.
Age 28
Male
NY
Seen January 29th, 2014
Posted January 14th, 2014
1,290 posts
15.8 Years
You don't have to make a new thread. You can just delete what you have here. And what is called suspence? You have no description whatsoever and I have absolutely no clue as to what's going on here.
Why, Yes
Chris Martin is my avatar.

Safari Type: Ghost
Shuppet, Dusclops, Phantump
PM for FC
Age 36
Seen 15 Hours Ago
Posted 2 Days Ago
EmpoleMew, you don't have authorization to post in the Revision Bin. Sorry. :/

Moon Diamond, there is no need to start a new thread. If you want to start over, just type up your new version and edit what posts you have to replace the old with the new. That's all you need to do.

And despite the fact that you want "suspense", you still need to slow down and describe what's going on. Since you have so much going on in your short chapters, your readers get confused. I just read your chapter one, and already I forgot who was in Sammy's family. The characters didn't even react to the changes going on around them. Sammy didn't even feel sad that his parents were dead.

He was obviously the one who had captured them.
How is that obvious? Was the Machamp painted green and wore purple shoes to mark him as Chip?

They went on to the night and realized something.
All of a sudden, Sammy remembers his brother? And he technically kills another Pokemon and doesn't care?

I also suggest that you take another look at what you have written before you post it, since you have many typos. Just take your time writing this, don't post rush work, and listen to what your reviewers tell you.

Avatar credit: Fairy