Working Title

Started by Apathetic_Yen November 12th, 2007 8:34 PM
  • 885 views
  • 4 replies
Age 33
What?
Seen October 29th, 2012
Posted August 31st, 2009
1,028 posts
15.9 Years
I'm simply writing my first ideas for the fanfic I'm working on and need to see if there are parts that don't make sense, have no logic whatsoever, are completely retarded, etc. Go all out on me if you like, the more hurtful the better. Also I have no title yet so you can bash me for that as well.

Prologue

"So, is that it than?"

"Yup, that's about everything. It's all yours, for now."

"When are you coming back?"

"Oh, maybe a couple of weeks or so. I don't know, it could be a few days from now. I'll probably be sent back early."

"Than why are you doing this? It could just be a waste of time."

"I've got to get out and test my skills, this is the only way to really do it, and I want to do this anyway."

"Fine, whatever works for you than. I guess I'll see you later."

"Yah, well, take care then, and don't mess anything up, I like things the way they are."

"Alright I won't. Oh, you forgot to give me the keys."

"Right, sorry about that. Here you are. Well, now I'll be going now, goodbye."

At that moment the man in a blue jacket and black pants with yellow spiky hair left the building, a pokemon gym. The guy he was talking to stood there watching the man leave. When he was out of sight, the guy looked at the keys he was given. He was only about fourteen years old, yet he looked old enough to be mistaken for a short sixteen years old. He was dressed in nothing more than a black coat that covered his entire body, with a hood that covered his face to the point where it was nothing but a shadow.

"Hmm, I guess now I should just wait then," he said to himself. He really had no idea what the gym leader did in his spare time, waiting for random trainers to come by and challenge him. "Gosh, how troublesome. It could be days before a trainer actually shows up. Good thing I'm getting paid for this."

It seemed like hours had passed before a trainer actually did show up. He was a boy in his early teens and looked as though he had some experience in other regions. It was unknown if he had been outside of the region to the surronding regions, but it was clear that he had plenty of experience, especially if he were to have made it this far in the league.

"Hey, where's-"

"Not here. He had some business to take care of," the guy in the black cloak answered, already knowing what the question was going to be.

"So are you a temp than if that's the case?" The boy asked.

"I suppose I am," the guy replied back. "Do you still want to challenge me than even though I'm not the real gym leader?"

"You'll still give me a badge if I win right?"

"What other reason would I be here for than?"

"Well," the boy said, "I'll fight you than!"

This was going to be easy, the boy thought. I'm fighting some nobody without a name (or a face) so I guess he won't be as much trouble as the real leader. "So," the boy began to ask, "What are the rules?"

"Two pokemon each, no time limit, only one KO is needed to win the battle. Shall we start than?"

"Ready when you are," the boy said. "I'll start off with...Sceptile!"

A large, green, lizard like creature came out on to the battlefield. The guy in the cloak simply looked on without any reaction. He simply put his hand in a pocket, pulled out a pokeball and held it out on the palm of his hand. He did not throw the ball at all; he simply opened it up and out came an Electrode.

Weak, the boy said to himself. That thing won't stand a chance at all. "Sceptile, use Solarbeam now!"

The Sceptile began to glow as it charged up its attack.

An attack like that so soon, the cloaked guy thought, hmph, this should be interesting.

At that moment the Electrode began to roll at a fast, blurring speed around the Sceptile. The Sceptile, still charging up its attack, looked around him as he saw nothing more than a red blur flying around him. The Electrode continued rolling in circles around and around the Sceptile, making a red ring around it. Just than the Electrode broke out of its ring and struck the Sceptile at a super high speed, knocking it far against the wall. At the time the Electrode made contact with the Sceptile, it let off a large spark, adding to the damage done to the pokemon; The Sceptile just received a thunderbolt/rollout combo. The Sceptile managed to get up, only to take another rollout attack from the Electrode. The Electrode bounced off and shot a Gyro Ball at it, causing even more damage. The boy had to do something to keep his Sceptile from being knocked out, and fast.

"Sceptile, return! I didn't want to do that yet but it looked like it was the best decision I could have made. Alright, I guess I'll counter that ball with its one weakness. Go Onix!"

An Onix made its appearance on the field, towering over the Electrode.

"Onix use Earthquake!"

Onix began to vibrate violently, causing the ground to rumble and shake everywhere. The ground began to split as parts of the ceiling began to give away and fall to the floor. When the boy looked to see what damage had been done, he saw that the Electrode had taken no damage; it was floating off the ground! thanks to its Magnet Rise. The cloaked trainer simply stood there with his arms folded, staring directly ahead of him at his opponent and nothing else. The Electrode then begun to fly around the field, letting off massive Sonicbooms at the Onix. The attacks were rather weak, yet they came so fast and frequent that the Onix was quickly losing health.

"Onix, use your Iron Tail, quick!"

Although the Electrode was moving around at high speeds, the Onix timed its Iron Tail perfectly and swung it into the Electrode as it was coming in that direction. The attack looked as though it did alot of damage (the whole place shook as a result of the attack) yet the Electrode simply hovered like it was doing so before as though it had never been touched in the first place, despite a couple of scratch marks across its face. The Electrode then drove itself straight into the Onix and let off a more powerful Sonicboom at point blank range. The attack dealt a massive amount of damage and managed to knock out the pokemon.

"No way! I lost with a pokemon that had a type advantage!" The boy exclaimed.

"Just because you have a pokemon with a type advantage, doesn't mean it will necessarily win. It's all about the strategy you use," the cloaked guy coldly replied.

I know that, the boy thought to himself, I could care less about the type advantage. The reason why I'm shocked is that I lost to a person who is simply filling in the role for this gym leader!

"Well, I learned alot from that battle, I guess I'll try and come back some other time," the boy said as he shook hands with the cloaked guy. "By the way, what's your name? I bet you're famous for your battling."

The cloaked guy simply looked at him and turned his head. "That is information I don't give out to others, not yet at least. When they come, you'll probably hear of me again, only the next time you'll know my name."

"Oh, alright, I understand," the boy lied. Who the hell were they? What was he talking about? Was he being cocky about him knowing his name in the future because he expects he'll be that famous or something?

"Well that's it then, I gotta get to a center." And the boy quickly took off towards the nearest Pokemon center. The cloaked guy continued to stare off into the direction the boy had left.For the entire duration of that battle, the cloaked man had not even issued out a single command.



BLEH! :classic:
Ash releases strong pokemon and Paul releases weak pokemon.Ash=stupid,Paul=smart.
Congratulations! Your Super Smash Bros. Melee has evolved into Super Smash Bros. Brawl!
Super Smash Bros. Brawl wants to learn the character Lucario.
However, Super Smash Bros. Brawl already knows four pokemon characters.
Should a character be deleted and replaced with Lucario?
Which character should be forgotten?
1,2, and... ... ... Poof!
Super Smash Bros. Brawl forgot Mewtwo.
And...
Super Smash Bros. Brawl learned Lucario!
Age 36
Seen 15 Hours Ago
Posted 2 Days Ago
Full review will come later. Right now, I'm just moving this to the regular Fanfiction forum, since there's no need for it to be in the Lounge. You're really just posting the actual prologue to get reviews on it, not the idea itself. So it goes into the regular forum.

Expect a full review from me sometime tomorrow.

And, when you have a title that you want to use, just let me know and I'll edit it in for you. ^^

Avatar credit: Fairy
Age 33
What?
Seen October 29th, 2012
Posted August 31st, 2009
1,028 posts
15.9 Years
Thanx but right now, I'm posting it up just to see if everything makes sense. I won't be posting any new chapters for a while, all I really want to know is if this story is even appealing enough to be worth writing about. There's actually an intro (A long one) to this but I need to see if anyone would find this part of the story interesting enough to even bother reading the intro as well. (I think that all made sense)

Nevermind what I just said, it's late, and I didn't really understand what you wrote, whoops (feeling wasted). If this turns out good, than I'll continue writing.

Also, keep in mind this is really only a Teaser.
Ash releases strong pokemon and Paul releases weak pokemon.Ash=stupid,Paul=smart.
Congratulations! Your Super Smash Bros. Melee has evolved into Super Smash Bros. Brawl!
Super Smash Bros. Brawl wants to learn the character Lucario.
However, Super Smash Bros. Brawl already knows four pokemon characters.
Should a character be deleted and replaced with Lucario?
Which character should be forgotten?
1,2, and... ... ... Poof!
Super Smash Bros. Brawl forgot Mewtwo.
And...
Super Smash Bros. Brawl learned Lucario!
Age 33
What?
Seen October 29th, 2012
Posted August 31st, 2009
1,028 posts
15.9 Years
someone close this. got a new one up that's better
Ash releases strong pokemon and Paul releases weak pokemon.Ash=stupid,Paul=smart.
Congratulations! Your Super Smash Bros. Melee has evolved into Super Smash Bros. Brawl!
Super Smash Bros. Brawl wants to learn the character Lucario.
However, Super Smash Bros. Brawl already knows four pokemon characters.
Should a character be deleted and replaced with Lucario?
Which character should be forgotten?
1,2, and... ... ... Poof!
Super Smash Bros. Brawl forgot Mewtwo.
And...
Super Smash Bros. Brawl learned Lucario!