The Greatest Victories...

Started by Umbreon Ruler November 13th, 2007 5:02 PM
  • 1009 views
  • 7 replies
Seen August 12th, 2010
Posted January 25th, 2009
28 posts
15.5 Years
Hello, I just joined, but please don't think that because of that, I have no knowledge of any forum rules or writing structure. I have been on a forum for nearly a year now (I know that isn't a lot, but I try to to SPAM or anything) and have been writing on it for... Well, I'm not exactly sure, but this story is currently on its eighteenth chapter, I think.
Anyways, I revised this chapter from its original post (without making it an entire rewrite), but I PROMISE I have improved since this. Also, the first few chapters are similar to the games, but trust me, the originality will come. Now, without further ado, I hope you enjoy this:

Chapter 1: A New Generation

The sun was just rising on the small town of Pallet. Professor Oak was in his lab, wondering when the new beginning trainers would arrive. He had just set out the Pokeballs of Squirtle, Charmander, and Bulbasaur, the three official starter Pokemon of Kanto, a vast country which was home to several species of Pokémon. As he set down at his desk he was thinking about the day one of Pallet's most accomplished trainers, Christi Hammond had received a very simple Rattata as her first Pokemon. With it, she had gone on to become the Pokémon League Champion. Just then, his doorbell rang and interrupted his daydream.

“That must be them,” he said anxiously, getting up to answer the door.

Meanwhile, in an average white house on the edge of Pallet, a boy was hurriedly getting dressed with a worried look on his face. He had dark russet-colored hair, brown eyes, and beads of rushed sweat running down his tan face. Today was supposed to be the day that he was received his starter Pokemon.

“This is bad, this is bad,” he kept saying to himself as he laced up his shoes. As soon as he was dressed- a quickly thrown on pair of blue-jean shorts and a white Pokémon League shirt- he raced out the house with a quick goodbye to his mother. Hopping onto his bike and pedaling as fast as he could, he knew that there was a very slim chance that he would get there in time.

He was getting tired, but he never slowed down. He finally made it up a steep hill and could see the large lab in the distance. It was beautiful, he thought, despite the lack of breath. It was next to the ocean and was a gleaming white, which was reflected off of the glittering water’s surface. Two glass sliding doors were in front, directly underneath plain red letters that read “Oak Laboratories.”

“Finally!” he huffed in triumph. He was completely out of breath when he got to the door but he didn't care. All he wanted was his starter Pokemon. He burst through the doors- as well as one could “burst” when they opened automatically- but he couldn't see Professor Oak. If he hadn’t been so distressed, he would’ve noticed the cluttered surroundings, littered with papers and books.

"Professor... Oak..." He wheezed.

“Hm?” a voice to his left said. He spun around and there stood Professor Oak, and aging yet lithe man who was holding a round, white object in his hand. “Who are you?” the Professor asked.

“My name... Danny... Please... Professor... Starter...” he managed to cough out.

“A starter Pokemon?” Oak asked. “I'm sorry, but I've already given them all away.”

“Really?” the boy asked desperately.

“I'm afraid so.” Professor Oak said, frowning.

“Man, I really messed up this time...” he murmured, trudging out the door.

The Professor’s brow furrowed guiltily as he looked around the building, trying to think of a solution. Finally, he eyes were drawn toward the round object in his hands. “Danny wait!” he shouted, running out the door.

“What is it?” Danny asked with hope in his eyes and turning around towards the old man.

“You can have this,” Oak said as he held out the round object. Danny’s face fell as he saw it.

“What's that?” he asked dully, staring tiredly at the gift.

“It’s called a Pokémon egg,” he replied, excitement building in his voice. "Do you know Misty, the gym leader?"

“Of course, who doesn't?” asked the boy, gaining a spark of curiosity.

“Well, we were conducting research on water Pokémon together and she gave me this egg as a gift,” he stated. “I know it doesn't seem like much now, but this egg will hatch and become just as powerful as every other Pokemon out there.”

“I guess so...” he said as he took the egg from Oak. “Thank you.” Then he left the lab and hopped on his bike. 'I better say g'bye to mom before I leave,' he thought.

“One more thing,” Professor Oak said, “Here's your Pokedex.” He handed Danny a small, red, rectangular device. When he saw it, Danny brightened up a little, but not much.

As he was riding home, he saw three trainers heading toward Route 1. There was a girl with long blonde hair and glitter on her face holding a Squirtle and talking to another trainer. He had spiky red hair with a Bulbasaur walking at his side. Behind them was a boy with black hair that was made into a ponytail who was holding a Charmander in front of his face. “Use flamethrower,” He kept saying, persistently.

Idiots,’ Danny thought. ‘Doesn't he know that Charmander can't use flamethrower until he gets stronger? It's not fair that those three got Professor Oak's starter Pokemon and all I got was this lousy egg.

When he finally got home, his mom made him breakfast and packed him a lunch. “Now don't forget to wash your clothes every day. And be nice to the other trainers. Oh, and-”

“I know mom,” he cut in. “Don't worry, I'll be fine.” Then he got on his bike and started to ride toward Route 1.

“And don't forget to...” Danny was too far away to hear her now. Even though he wasn't happy to only have gotten an egg, his heart was pounding with excitement about the journey that he had just begun.

A few hours later Danny was still pedaling along Route 1. He was completely winded and decided to stop for a break. The sun was about to set and the egg hadn't even made the slightest movement. “I guess I'll have to camp here.” He said. So far, his journey wasn't turning out the way he had hoped. He hadn't seen a single Pokemon, not even a Pidgey.

Just then, he heard some rustling in a nearby patch of grass. He got excited, hoping to see a rare Pokemon, but all that came out was a Rattata, the purple mouse Pokemon. Danny was too tired to deal with anything as common as a Rattata right now so he threw a rock to scare it away.

The baby mouse squeaked in fear as he ran back to the patch of grass, and Danny set down to rest, setting the egg beside him.

“Raaaaaa-ticate!!!!”

Danny immediately jumped to his feet and watched in horror as a large Raticate jumped out of the patch of grass. It bared its large, sharp fangs as his light brown fur bristled.

Danny snatched up the egg and dashed away. ‘Dang! I should've gotten on my bike!’ he thought, but it was too late now. The Raticate was catching fast and there was nothing he could do.

Then Danny tripped over a large rock and fell to the ground. He knew it was all over; all he could do was sit there.

The Raticate leaped into the air and opened her mouth to prepare for a Hyper Fang.

Danny shut his eyes and braced himself for the pain. But instead he felt the egg burst in his arms. For a split second he thought he broke it, but he opened his eyes and saw a small blue Pokemon in his lap. It had a long, white tail and a swirl black swirl on its white tummy. Then he looked up at the Raticate and, to his extreme relief, saw that it was sleeping.

“What happened, he asked the little blue Pokemon.

"Poli!" she yelled happily.

Danny took out his Pokedex and pointed it at his newly hatched Pokemon.
"Poliwag" the electronic voice said "The Tadpole Pokemon. It is possible to see this Pokemon's innards through the swirl on its stomach. Its legs are not yet suited for walking, so it spends most of its time in the water."

“Poliwag, huh?” he muttered. “What attacks does it have?” He pressed a button and a list of his Poliwag's attacks appeared on the screen. “Bubble and Hypnosis. That must be it! Poliwag put the Raticate to sleep using his Hypnosis.”

Then he lifted him up in front of his face and smiled. “You're a cute lil' guy aren't ya?” This remark made the little Poliwag angry. “Sorry... Cute little... Girl?” She immediately brightened up again. “So you're a girl? Well, in that case, I think I'll call you… Chloe.” This made the little girl even happier. “Well Chloe, we'd better get to sleep.” Just as he was lying down he thought, ‘Maybe getting that egg wasn't such a bad thing after all.
Age 33
What?
Seen October 29th, 2012
Posted August 31st, 2009
1,028 posts
15.9 Years
Pretty good and interesting. This is the first trainer journey story I've been able to find that was actually good. Keep on writing ;)
Ash releases strong pokemon and Paul releases weak pokemon.Ash=stupid,Paul=smart.
Congratulations! Your Super Smash Bros. Melee has evolved into Super Smash Bros. Brawl!
Super Smash Bros. Brawl wants to learn the character Lucario.
However, Super Smash Bros. Brawl already knows four pokemon characters.
Should a character be deleted and replaced with Lucario?
Which character should be forgotten?
1,2, and... ... ... Poof!
Super Smash Bros. Brawl forgot Mewtwo.
And...
Super Smash Bros. Brawl learned Lucario!
Seen August 12th, 2010
Posted January 25th, 2009
28 posts
15.5 Years
Thanks for your review! It made me so happy :D. This chapter is VERY game-like, but I promise it won't always be this way. The chapter after this one still relies on the game plot, but the next one is more original. Please just stick with me a little longer and it'll get better. ;) Enjoy:

Chapter 2: Bad Luck

It was almost eight am on Route 1, just north of Pallet Town. Yesterday, Danny Carson had begun his Pokemon journey with a Pokemon egg which, last night, had hatched into a baby Poliwag, whom Danny had named Chloe.

Danny was still asleep on this sunny morning, but Chloe had awoken bright and early to explore. She was looking over one of the tall, steep ledges that covered Route 1, when she saw a large Pidgey flying toward her, with a hungry look in his eyes. Chloe wasn't scared simply because she didn't know that she was in danger. She thought that the Pidgey wanted to play, so she sent out a cute spray of bubbles, glistening in the light. Distracted, the bird missed Chloe by an inch, but immediately turned around and took aim again. Almost instantly, the spiral on Chloe's stomach started to turn in circles and the Pidgey fell asleep, hitting the ground head first.

Meanwhile, Danny was just waking up after having a bad night’s sleep. “I feel like I slept on concrete,” he muttered to himself as he arose. “How did you sleep, Chloe?” he asked, his eyes half closed. There was no answer. “Chloe?” he asked again, this time with a little worry in his voice. After there was still no answer, he jumped to his feet and started running around, looking for his little Poliwag. “I should have been more careful.” he was mumbling, still looking frantically. “She's barely bigger than my fist! I should have put her in a Pokeball!” Then it dawned on him. Chloe had no Pokeball. “How could I forget to bring Pokeballs!?” he yelled grabbing his forehead. “Where are you, Chloe!?!?”

“Poli?”

He turned around and saw Chloe staring at him with a confused look on her cute face.

“I found you!!!” he joyously yelled, hugging her as tight as he could. “But you're all dirty. What happened?" he asked. “It doesn't matter. As long as you're safe! Now let's head over to Viridian City!”

“Poli!” She happily agreed.

~~~~~

They had been walking for about an hour. Danny couldn't ride his bike because this morning when he went to get it, the Rattata had chewed it into hundreds of different pieces.

“Hey,” he said, “I think I see it! It’s Viridian! See it Chloe!?” Viridian was more than twice the size of Pallet and Danny had only been there once before, but that was with his mother in a car.

“We're about to have our first gym battle!” He started to sprint toward the city with Chloe on top of his head.

He arrived at the city almost dancing with excitement. “First we'll go to the Pokemon Center, then the Mart to get some potions and Pokeballs, then... The Gym!!!” Of course, Poliwag didn't have any idea what he was talking about.

He went to the Center, healed Chloe, and got one of their free rooms. Then, he went to the Mart and bought a slew of potions and Pokeballs using the money that his mother had given him. Finally, he was ready to go to the gym.

~~~~~

He had been walking on the sidewalk for a while and was starting to get worried that he was lost. Eventually, he reluctantly asked someone for directions.

“The gym?” the man said. “Why, it's right over there,” he said, pointing to a large building a few blocks away.

As soon as he saw this, Danny started running toward the building. “Thanks!” he yelled. He was getting closer and closer. He could see the doors. He could barely take the excitement.

BAM!

He had hit the locked door... Hard. “What's going on!?” he said frantically, banging at the door.

"That gym's closed, sonny." Said an old man who had been watching Danny this whole time.

"It wasn't closed the last time I came here." Muttered Danny.

"When was that?" The old man asked.

"A few years ago." Said Danny.

The old man began a lengthy speech about the closing of building when they have served their use and how it’s always a wise decision to go to the visitor’s hall when entering a new town rather than just wandering about. Finally, he stated that the gym had been closed for a few months since the gym leader had left quite a while ago and no proper replacement had been found.

Danny, with disappointment in his eyes, walked away from the gym, dragging his feet as he went.

~~~~~

About an hour later, he was sitting on a bench beside a small pool. There was a sign beside it that read: “Wishing Pool. Toss in a coin and make a wish.” Danny threw in a coin even though he knew it wouldn't work. ‘I wish that my journey would get a little better. So far it hasn't exactly been bursting with fun,’ he thought. Then he let out a big yawn. He hadn't realized how tired he was until now. The warm summer sun was starting to get to him. He wanted to go back to the Pokemon Center to his room, but he was too tired. He leaned over onto his backpack, causing it to tip over. A shrunken Pokeball rolled out and landed in the grass.

“Pidge?” A Pidgey watching from a tree flew over out of curiosity. He started pecking at the Pokeball and it suddenly enlarged, causing the Pidgey to jump back. He hopped over again to investigate the strange, now larger, red and white orb. Once again, he pecked it, but this time, it opened up and swallowed the Tiny Bird Pokemon. It shook a few times and finally stood still. Danny had caught his first Pokémon… and he didn't even know it.

Chloe had been in the pool watching the Pidgey the whole time. Now, she jumped out and swatted the Pokeball with her fish-like tail. It hit Danny square in the forehead, waking him up instantly, then opened, releasing the Pidgey.

“Aargh!! What happened!?” he yelled angrily. Then he saw the Pidgey, watching him. He slowly picked up the Pokeball that had hit him in the head and stood stock still. “Here goes… Nothing.” He threw it directly at the little bird. But, to his surprise, it bounced right off the Pidgey's head and never even opened. "What?" Danny said. Then he took out his Pokedex and pointed it at the Pidgey.

Pidgey, the Tiny Bird Pokemon. It is very territorial. It will not hesitate to attack an opponent more than twice its size if it feels that it is threatened.

Danny noticed that, beside the Pidgey name on the Pokedex screen, there was a small image of a Pokeball.

“But that means that I've captured one already,” he said, obviously confused. He picked up the Pokeball he had thrown and pointed the button on the front toward the Pidgey. “Return?” he said. Instantly, a red light shot out of the Pokeball and engulfed the bird, sucking him in. “It's... Mine?” He looked at the Pokedex and saw that the Pidgey he had caught was male. “Hmmm... I'll call you Mark.” He looked fondly at the Pokeball.

He looked up at the cloudless sky, deep in thought. ‘I guess… I’d better go.’ He jumped to his feet and started running toward the Viridian Forest, with new hope in his heart.
Age 28
Male
NY
Seen January 29th, 2014
Posted January 14th, 2014
1,290 posts
15.8 Years
First of all, welcome to the PF forum! This isn't bad for a first fanfic. The 1st thing I mentioned was this. It's very cliche. I can't tell you how many trainer fics I have read not only on this forum, but many others. Try to make this a little more interessant mmkay? A couple things I tracked down.

“Where are you, Chloe!?!?”
I realize this is supposed to be exicitng, but one exclamation point and one question mark will do fine.

He went to the Center, healed Chloe, and got one of their free rooms. Then, he went to the Mart and bought a slew of potions and Pokeballs using the money that his mother had given him. Finally, he was ready to go to the gym.
This just seems rushed to me. I can just picutre in my mind some little kid saying this really fast over and over again...maybe because I'm just a freak...try and make it a little more interesting.

“Pidge?” A Pidgey watching from a tree flew over out of curiosity.
Alright, I know that people on a pokemon forum should know what pokemon look like, but lets pretend somebody doesn't. Use description or interest will be lost.

Now I've completely forgotten to review chapitre un so I'll do so now.

But instead he felt the egg burst in his arms. For a split second he thought he broke it, but he opened his eyes and saw a small blue Pokemon in his lap. It had a long, white tail and a swirl black swirl on its white tummy.
Now how is this logical? He has had the egg for not even 24 hours, and about 5 minutes before this you said it didn't make the slightest move. How does it suddenely hatch?

Danny immediately jumped to his feet and watched in horror as a large Raticate jumped out of the patch of grass. It bared its large, sharp fangs as his light brown fur bristled.
How is a Raticate on route 1? But whatever you can make staryu walking around if you want because it's your fic, but it's not very logical.

With that being said I'd suggest you look at DP-Chan's Advice thread.
Why, Yes
Chris Martin is my avatar.

Safari Type: Ghost
Shuppet, Dusclops, Phantump
PM for FC
Seen August 12th, 2010
Posted January 25th, 2009
28 posts
15.5 Years
Thanks for the review. I'm only too aware of the cliché-ness and it really does get better. I'm afraid you'll just have to trust me on that.

I realize this is supposed to be exicitng, but one exclamation point and one question mark will do fine.
Thank you, I was never completely sure if there was any sort of writing rule that went along with that sorta thing :P

This just seems rushed to me. I can just picutre in my mind some little kid saying this really fast over and over again...maybe because I'm just a freak...try and make it a little more interesting.
*sighs* These were the my most pathetic days of writing when description was at a bare minimum. I was trying to steer away from adding completely new parts to the fic since I didn't want to completely rewrite it, but I suppose I could've did a lot more than I actually did... Did that make sense? XD

Now how is this logical? He has had the egg for not even 24 hours, and about 5 minutes before this you said it didn't make the slightest move. How does it suddenely hatch?
I really can't believe I overlooked that a few days ago when I was proofing the chapter. Sometimes I amaze myself with my own man-ditziness, lol...

How is a Raticate on route 1? But whatever you can make staryu walking around if you want because it's your fic, but it's not very logical.
Well, I just assumed that with a million Rattata living there, at least one was bound to evolve eventually. (Remember that this isn't clinging to the game plot. It seems like it now, but in my mind it gets better and more original).

Anyway, thanks so much for the review. I promise I'll try to avoid those silly mistakes. And I'm sorry if this is considered bumping, or SPAMming or something, but I figured it was better to do this while it was near the top of the page than to wait till it got onto the second page and then post. That would seem more bumpish... Right?... Am I making any sense at all?...
Age 28
Male
NY
Seen January 29th, 2014
Posted January 14th, 2014
1,290 posts
15.8 Years
It's not really bumping or spamming if your leik, saying something. xD. Also be sure to click the link I sent you. I'm glad your listening to what I'm saying. Just wait until DP-Chan, Hanako-Chan and ACC-M get a hold of this. Kee-kee-kee THEY'LL DESTROY IT!
Why, Yes
Chris Martin is my avatar.

Safari Type: Ghost
Shuppet, Dusclops, Phantump
PM for FC
Age 36
Seen 15 Hours Ago
Posted 2 Days Ago
Um, if you knew that it was clichéd at the start, why didn't you rewrite it to make it less clichéd? o_O; I mean, it's not uncommon for someone to start writing their fic and then find that it's not perfect, and they'll rewrite it. So, sure, you don't want to rewrite the fic but you could edit it to be at the standards you are at today. You could have fixed up your description.

And as for description, you should add in some more. Otherwise, your readers get confused because you're moving the plot too fast. Like the fact that Danny got a free room at the Center, but then decided to move onto the Viridian Forest. Wouldn't he be better to sleep, and eat, at the Center? Especially because he didn't eat breakfast, since you skimped over that part.

When he finally got home, his mom made him breakfast and packed him a lunch. “Now don't forget to wash your clothes every day. And be nice to the other trainers. Oh, and-”

“I know mom,” he cut in. “Don't worry, I'll be fine.” Then he got on his bike and started to ride toward Route 1.
o_O What? Did he go home, his mom placed breakfast on the table, and then he just leaves? You could have at least mentioned the fact that he was too nervous to eat so he didn't. Right now, it was just too fast. (I could add in the fact that Danny doesn't seem to care that he hasn't eaten in two days.)

Speaking of cliché plot points, you might lose readers by having Danny wake up late and get a special Pokemon. But...eh, I don't really mind. It's just kind of what other authors have tried, and it sounds too much like the anime plot. But hey, you promise that it'll get better, so we'll see.

What you have is better than others that I have seen, but it's still missing that special spark to set it apart from others.

Avatar credit: Fairy
Seen August 12th, 2010
Posted January 25th, 2009
28 posts
15.5 Years
Thanks for your review! I LOVE the long ones like yours that really help me. :)

Um, if you knew that it was clichéd at the start, why didn't you rewrite it to make it less clichéd?
Um... I really don't have any answer for this other than the fact that I'm an idiot. I was trying not to mess with the main storyline much, so that part was left unedited... Sorry :(

And as for description, you should add in some more.
Description has never been my best area. I know this isn't an excuse for anything, but when I try to describe something vividly it ends up like a list. Also, I'm color blind so when I try to describe a Pokemon (like tyranitar, for instance) I wouldn't know whether it was green or brown.

o_O What? Did he go home, his mom placed breakfast on the table, and then he just leaves?
Ack, I hate when I do this! A lot of times I just assume that my readers understand what's in my mind, so I really skimp on description. It's not intentional but... Well, it just happens. *sighs*

Thank you so much for the review, and I REALLY appreciate it. Now, I decided to do a complete rewrite of chapter three despite my resolve not to. It's just that I was reading it over and... Well frankly, it sucked worse than these two. And I promise that it will be the very last game-like chapter! After that, it will get better. Really.