Okay, well I'm here. This needs some work (don't all fics?), but I'll do my best.
PROLOGUE - Deep in the sinister, isolated island of Midna, the shadows bend and the sun is forever unseen. The malevolent, evil shadows haunt those of the Sinnoh, taking their souls and transforming them into demons. One by one, they fall prey. Pokémon Trainer Rhett Driessens wants to get to the bottom of this nightmarish mystery – even if he becomes the next victim . . .
This was pretty bare-bones. There was some pretty good imagery, but it was much too short. It was more of a short preview than a prologue. Not a huge difference between the two, but try to keep it in mind that prologues are on average at least a page long. Many go longer, but usually a page is acceptable. Just a little tip for the future.
Rhett’s eyes widened – his heart pounded against his chest, filling him with fear. But then, something amazing started to happen. The golden necklace that was wrapped in black string started to glow. The necklace unleashed a blue light! The light seemed to blind the creature – scaring it away into the darkness of the night.
This part didn't work. Just instead put the necklace glowed blue and cut the second sentence. Also keep in mind that, when speaking as the narrator, don't use exclamation marks.
[COLOR=black]But Rhett started to fall in a trance – a deep, mysterious slumber had befallen him. He started to reach for his Pok
éballs, but he found himself paralyzed as he collapsed to the floor. His eyes were shut and his body fell unconscious.
Body fell unconcious instead of body, unconcious.
Jenny’s eyes widened like she knew something or was lost in interest. She called up Nurse Joy and explained everything that Rhett had said. Both of them were speechless for a few minutes.
They were speechless for a few minutes? That seems a little odd. Maybe for a few seconds, but in that situation a few minutes is too long.
Rhett and Professor Rowan were greeted with another Pokémon trainer, Ellie. She was the daughter of Professor Rowan and was very eager to help solve the mystery.
Okay, skipping across to this didn't work. For one you really need to improve your description. What does Rhett look like? Same with Ellie. Just saying that she was Rowans' daughter isn't enough. Take your time and think about your characters. What color hair do they have? How tall are they? What are they wearing? Things like this are extremely important when writing a fic, so take your time. Description throughout the whole fic is next to nothing. Slow down and describe as much as you can. What the rooms look like, the towns, the surroundings, everything. Without description the reader is left to guess. Are the walls bright pink? Is Rhett wearing a dress? Probably not, but without description the reader doesn't know.
The fact that the Professor would not be coming was
mind-boggling to Rhett.
Correction in bold. The way it was didn't sound right.
The storm roared through the fogginess of the afternoon. The boat nearly tipped due to the harsh, angry waves that pounded the sea. “Let’s go! Gyarados!” said Ellie. She took a blue Pokéball and threw it in the ocean. An explosion of light bursts from the Pokéball and reveals a atrocious blue sea monster. The Pokémon was Gyarados. It had scaly blue skin and wing-like objects that stuck out from its body. It looked very powerful.
Huh? Storm? All you said was that there were "storm clouds were headed their direction.". Here again if you slow down and descibe what's going on the fic will be better for it.
“Okay Gyarados! Use Flamethrower on the water!” commanded Ellie. A hazy yellow ball of light appeared in Gyarados’s gaping mouth. Then, a hot, red-orange beam shot out and blasted the ocean. The water exploded from the sea but then left a flat water piece against the sea. The boat safely sailed through the calm water, though the trail ahead only lead to stormy seas.
A flat piece of water? Not quite sure how that works. XD
Besides the lack of description, this has potential. The plot sounds good, and is a nice departure from the standard OT fics I've been reading lately. But another thing is the length of your chapters. Chapter one was fairly short, but chapter two was very short. Take your time when writing, and space out each chapter by at least a day.
I guess that's just about it. I'm going to keep an eye on this to see how much you can improve. Hopefully this helps.