Blackthorn Bulldog

Started by GalladeIceMan November 23rd, 2007 6:10 PM
  • 2122 views
  • 4 replies
Age 26
Gettysburg, PA
Seen December 6th, 2008
Posted December 6th, 2008
117 posts
15.5 Years
Chapter 1
Caught up in a Dream

"Toby! Toby! Toby!" the crowd was chanting while Toby's Gengar landed the final blow on the opposing Arbok.
"I will send out Garchomp!" The masked ninja exclaimed over the roaring crowd.
"Ugh," Toby muttered under his breath. He hated facing dragon-type pokemon. Whenever he came up against one, despite his Froslass's super-effective ice-type attacks, he couldn't come even close to retaliating. His pokemon always got KO'd on the first turn.
"Here goes!" Toby yelled as he chucked the great ball he had caught Frosslass in. He shuddered, What will happen to Frosslass this time? He wondered. Will she get KO'd, blasted out of the building, or will she have to return to her pokeball?
"I can't!" He yelled to himself. "Froslass will not go down this time!"
"Really?" The masked ninja replied, sounding encouraging for Toby to get angry and forfeit.
"Froslass! Blizzard! Now!" Toby barked.
"Garchomp, dodge it and use Dragon Rush!" the ninja called. Garchomp seemed to ignore the orders and instead of dodging the attack, he ran right into it.
"What!?" Toby screamed with excitment. "Froslass! Ice beam attack!"
"NO!" cried the masked ninja.
The battle was won!
After the seats were empty, the ninja and Toby walked out onto the field to congratulate eachother.
"How?" asked the ninja, "how did you take out my pokemon?"
Toby remembered instantly.
"Remember when you withdrew your Garchomp when I sent out my Dragonite at the beginning of the battle? I confused it, that's how."
"I thought Garchomp had Natural Cure," the ninja said sadly.
"No, it doesn't," Toby answered quickly.
"But if you take a pokemon out of battle, its confusion wears off," he said.
Toby slapped his forehead and regretted that he was so ignorant to forget.
"Shane, is that you?" Toby wondered eagerly.
"Yes, it is," as Shane unwrapped his headband and took off his mask, Toby asked
"Why did you come Shane?"
"To learn from you," he replied.
"What do you hope to gain?" Toby wondered with his head leaning to the right.
"I wish to learn how to battle as well as you," he said as he lifted his head to see Toby staring into his face.
"Well, weren't you with your parents in Blackthorn?" Asked Toby, alarmed.
"Yes," Shane answered. That's why Toby liked him as a friend. He was always short and sweet and right to the point.
"Go call them," Toby ordered.
"How did you know it was me?" Shane was eager to know.
"Your Garchomp always is confused," Toby replied, chuckling.
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It will rot away.
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Age 36
Seen 15 Hours Ago
Posted 2 Days Ago
First of all, all fics, no matter what, go into the main section of this forum. Read the description of the forum and the stickied rules thread before posting to make sure you're in the correct section.

Second of all, this looks like rushed work. In that case, I'm moving it to the Revision Bin. You can find your story there from now on.

Third of all, expect a review from me when I'm not so busy.

Avatar credit: Fairy
Age 28
Male
NY
Seen January 29th, 2014
Posted January 14th, 2014
1,290 posts
15.8 Years
Expect me to review this also when it's not 10:45 at night. xD. I'll get on this probably by tomorrow.

EDIT: time to destory review this.

"Toby! Toby! Toby!" the crowd was chanting while Toby's Gengar landed the final blow on the opposing Arbok.
"I will send out Garchomp!" The masked ninja exclaimed over the roaring crowd.
"Ugh," Toby muttered under his breath. He hated facing dragon-type pokemon. Whenever he came up against one, despite his Froslass's super-effective ice-type attacks, he couldn't come even close to retaliating. His pokemon always got KO'd on the first turn.
"Here goes!" Toby yelled as he chucked the great ball he had caught Frosslass in. He shuddered, What will happen to Frosslass this time? He wondered. Will she get KO'd, blasted out of the building, or will she have to return to her pokeball?
"I can't!" He yelled to himself. "Froslass will not go down this time!"
"Really?" The masked ninja replied, sounding encouraging for Toby to get angry and forfeit.
"Froslass! Blizzard! Now!" Toby barked.
"Garchomp, dodge it and use Dragon Rush!" the ninja called. Garchomp seemed to ignore the orders and instead of dodging the attack, he ran right into it.
"What!?" Toby screamed with excitment. "Froslass! Ice beam attack!"
"NO!" cried the masked ninja.
The battle was won!
After the seats were empty, the ninja and Toby walked out onto the field to congratulate eachother.
"How?" asked the ninja, "how did you take out my pokemon?"
Toby remembered instantly.
"Remember when you withdrew your Garchomp when I sent out my Dragonite at the beginning of the battle? I confused it, that's how."
"I thought Garchomp had Natural Cure," the ninja said sadly.
"No, it doesn't," Toby answered quickly.
"But if you take a pokemon out of battle, its confusion wears off," he said.
Toby slapped his forehead and regretted that he was so ignorant to forget.
"Shane, is that you?" Toby wondered eagerly.
"Yes, it is," as Shane unwrapped his headband and took off his mask, Toby asked
"Why did you come Shane?"
"To learn from you," he replied.
"What do you hope to gain?" Toby wondered with his head leaning to the right.
"I wish to learn how to battle as well as you," he said as he lifted his head to see Toby staring into his face.
"Well, weren't you with your parents in Blackthorn?" Asked Toby, alarmed.
"Yes," Shane answered. That's why Toby liked him as a friend. He was always short and sweet and right to the point.
"Go call them," Toby ordered.
"How did you know it was me?" Shane was eager to know.
"Your Garchomp always is confused," Toby replied, chuckling.
Let's start with the overall review. You need to hit the enter key twice When a new thought it formed. You have dialogue which is good, but just that is never the way to go. You have 0 discription. Where is Toby battling, what does Toby look like, who is Toby? Alright, lets begin the little reviews.

]"Toby! Toby! Toby!" the crowd was chanting while Toby's Gengar landed the final blow on the opposing Arbok.
"I will send out Garchomp!" The masked ninja exclaimed over the roaring crowd.
Okay, like I said before, hit the enter key twice in between thoughts. Here's another thing about description, even though this is a pokemon forum, and majority of the members play pokemon, you still need to describe what these pokemon look like. I don't really play the pokemon games much, so Garchomp is very a very vague picture in my mind. Work on that Mmkay?

Right now, I have to leave, but don't worry, I'll get to destroying reviewing the rest of this. =]
Why, Yes
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Elite Overlord LeSabre™

On that 'Non stop road'

Age 97
Shimoda City
Seen 2 Weeks Ago
Posted January 25th, 2022
9,705 posts
15.5 Years
As the newest Revision Bin evaluator, let me make the necessary grammar corrections, as well as show how the story needs to be spaced.

Chapter 1
Caught up in a Dream

"Toby! Toby! Toby!" the crowd was chanting while Toby's Gengar landed the final blow on the opposing Arbok.

"I will send out Garchomp!" the masked ninja exclaimed over the roaring crowd.

"Ugh," Toby muttered under his breath. He hated facing dragon-type pokemon. Whenever he came up against one, despite his Froslass's super-effective ice-type attacks, he couldn't come even close to retaliating. His pokemon always got KO'd on the first turn.

"Here goes!" Toby yelled as he chucked the Great Ball he had caught Frosslass in. He shuddered. What will happen to Frosslass this time? He wondered, Will she get KO'd, blasted out of the building, or will she have to return to her pokeball?

"I can't!" he yelled to himself. "Froslass will not go down this time!"

"Really?" the masked ninja replied, attempting to encourage his opponent to grow angry and forfeit. (Though wouldn't getting him angry make Toby want to beat this guy?)

"Froslass! Blizzard! Now!" Toby barked.

"Garchomp, dodge it and use Dragon Rush!" the ninja called. Garchomp seemed to ignore the orders and instead of dodging the attack, he ran right into it.

"What!?" Toby screamed with excitement. "Froslass! Ice Beam attack!"

"NO!" cried the masked ninja.

The battle was won!

After the seats were empty, the ninja and Toby walked out onto the field to congratulate each other.

"How?" asked the ninja, "how did you take out my pokemon?"

Toby remembered instantly.

"Remember when you withdrew your Garchomp when I sent out my Dragonite at the beginning of the battle? I confused it, that's how."

"I thought Garchomp had Natural Cure," the ninja said sadly.

"No, it doesn't," Toby answered quickly.

"But if you take a pokemon out of battle, its confusion wears off," he said.

Toby slapped his forehead and regretted that he was so ignorant to forget.

"Shane, is that you?" Toby wondered eagerly.

"Yes, it is."

As Shane unwrapped his headband and took off his mask, Toby asked, "Why did you come, Shane?"

"To learn from you," he replied.

"What do you hope to gain?" Toby wondered with his head leaning to the right.

"I wish to learn how to battle as well as you," he said as he lifted his head to see Toby staring into his face.

"Well, weren't you with your parents in Blackthorn?" asked Toby, alarmed.

"Yes," Shane answered. That's why Toby liked him as a friend. He was always short and sweet and right to the point.

"Go call them," Toby ordered.

"How did you know it was me?" Shane was eager to know.

"Your Garchomp always is confused," Toby replied, chuckling.
General observations: Your handling of capitalization and punctuation in the vicinity of quotations is very inconsistent. It seems like a third of the time, you actually did it correctly, but the other two thirds were handled incorrectly. The correct way to handle it is explained here.

I noticed when I went to quote this that you attempted to use Tab to paragraph. Unfortunately, Tab is rendered useless here, so you need to hit Enter twice to skip a whole line to paragraph properly.

And now I'm tired. Someone else will explain the other nuances that you need to improve on, like description and so on.

Elite Overlord LeSabre™
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Alter Ego

that evil mod from hell

Age 35
Touhou land, grazing danmaku all the way
Seen August 8th, 2010
Posted June 4th, 2010
5,751 posts
17.9 Years
Seriously, two reviewers and you've barely prodded on content and style yet. Shame, peoples, shame. :<

Guess that leaves me, the evaluator who's technically even newer than DarkPersian. *Brandishes correctional marker* Have at thee!

"Toby! Toby! Toby!" the crowd was chanting while Toby's Gengar landed the final blow on the opposing Arbok.
Description point number one: pretend that I'm a complete n00b abut pokémon who can't identify anything not called Pikachu or Mewtwo. How would you describe a Gengar or an Arbok? The names don't cut it; give me their body shapes, their colors; describe it as carefully as you can. And it's not just the pokémon either; what does Toby look like? What about his opponent (other than 'random ninja ftw!')? We won't know unless you tell us. Also, what about mannerisms and emotions? What expression is the Gengar wearing when it lands its final blow? Does the Arbok look like it's in a lot of pain? How are the battlers taking the situation? And come to think of it, what is the stadium like? I know that there's a crowd, but I want to feel it. Give me the layout of the battle ground, give me the annoying announcer and the bright lights, give me thrill of it.

"Ugh," Toby muttered under his breath. He hated facing dragon-type pokemon. Whenever he came up against one, despite his Froslass's super-effective ice-type attacks, he couldn't come even close to retaliating. His pokemon always got KO'd on the first turn.
Umm...yeah, I'd rather want to know a bit more about what Toby is like before going into details of this type.

"Here goes!" Toby yelled as he chucked the Great Ball he had caught Frosslass in. He shuddered. What will happen to Frosslass this time? he wondered, Will she get KO'd, blasted out of the building, or will she have to return to her pokeball?

"I can't!" he yelled to himself. "Froslass will not go down this time!"
Touching angst and all, but seeing as I really don't know squat about Toby or Froslass I really can't bring myself to care. It's too early for this sort of thing. T_T

"Really?" the masked ninja replied, attempting to encourage his opponent to grow angry and forfeit. (Though wouldn't getting him angry make Toby want to beat this guy?)
Okay, so why do we get to know what the ninja-guy is planning and what's with that parenthesis which essentially makes that whole description pointless? o.O

"Froslass! Blizzard! Now!" Toby barked.

"Garchomp, dodge it and use Dragon Rush!" the ninja called. Garchomp seemed to ignore the orders and instead of dodging the attack, he ran right into it.
Again with the description. Just giving me the names of the attacks being used won't convey the action that this sort of scene should have. Describe what the attacks look like and how the pokémon are performing them.

"Remember when you withdrew your Garchomp when I sent out my Dragonite at the beginning of the battle? I confused it, that's how."

"I thought Garchomp had Natural Cure," the ninja said sadly.

"No, it doesn't," Toby answered quickly.

"But if you take a pokemon out of battle, its confusion wears off," he said.

Toby slapped his forehead and regretted that he was so ignorant to forget.
This exchange is just nothing short of weird. If the ninja was counting on the confusion clearing on the switch, then why did he even bring up natural cure in the first place? If the thing wasn't confused then how did Toby win? Finally, if he knew (or thought) that he had a leg up on that Garchomp then why all the angst earlier? It makes no sense no matter how you look at it. -.-

"Shane, is that you?" Toby wondered eagerly.

"Yes, it is."
Oh, it's Shane! That explains it!

...

Oh wait, I don't know who the heck Shane is. There's really no point to this sort of thing if you don't introduce the characters in question before it.

As Shane unwrapped his headband and took off his mask, Toby asked, "Why did you come, Shane?"

"To learn from you," he replied.

"What do you hope to gain?" Toby wondered with his head leaning to the right.

"I wish to learn how to battle as well as you," he said as he lifted his head to see Toby staring into his face.

"Well, weren't you with your parents in Blackthorn?" asked Toby, alarmed.

"Yes," Shane answered. That's why Toby liked him as a friend. He was always short and sweet and right to the point.

"Go call them," Toby ordered.

"How did you know it was me?" Shane was eager to know.

"Your Garchomp always is confused," Toby replied, chuckling.
Okay, this seriously doesn't look like an exchange between two friends. It's just too formal. o.O


Overall, this chapter just doesn't make sense. You're just throwing us into the middle of a battle between two people out of the blue, with no explanation as to why they are battling, where they are battling, and what has happened before (or is likely to happen after) the battle. In short, there's just nothing to make the reader come back for future installments. Your characters are friends, and the disguised friend battling is a cute little plot device and all, but since you haven't introduced them at all before this, the big surprise just loses its whole surprise factor. "Oh, the random character I don't care about was actually another random character I don't care about. =O"

Before pulling this kind of stunt you should, always, ALWAYS make sure that the reader knows the characters in question so that they can be genuinely surprised to find that what they took for a new character is actually an old one in disguise. Similarly, explanations like the one with the Dragonite don't really work unless you've already described that scene. Also, in a first chapter you should start by giving your main protagonist a proper introduction as well as introduce (or at the very least clearly hint at) a central conflict in the story. Overall, this chapter just looks like something you could find in the middle of a fanfic as opposed to the beginning. :\

Your description also needs a lot of work, since there's basically none at all on the physical side and the emotional one is very bare, mostly consisting of seemingly random adverbs you've injected here and there. Take your time and describe things, build up the mood, and chose your adverbs carefully. They make a huge impact on the reader's view of the fic.

Finally, I feel inclined to note that the pokémon side thus far doesn't look promising at all. Both characters' teams consist of fully evolved pokémon (Including rare and powerful ones like Dragonite, Gengar and Garchomp), none of which have exhibited any personality thus far. Remember, pokémon are characters just like humans and should be treated as such; nobody loves a complete pokébot (the mindless drone who blindly obeys every order without ever exhibiting even a hint of emotion). Giving your characters teams of fully evolved pokémon right from the get-go is also making them generic and impersonal. Character development is integral to a good story, and you're really shooting yourself in the leg on that front by depraving yourself of all the wonderful character development that evolving pokémon and training them from zero to hero entails. Pokémon shouldn't be slapped on there just for the sake of slapping them on; as characters they should serve a plot purpose just like all the others.

So yeah, plenty to improve on here. A couple of threads worth checking out:

Pokémon Fanfiction Writing Guide, Basic Pokémon Writing FAQ, and Grammar Advice

As I keep saying, every fanfic writer should read those at least once. Start by working with this and we'll see where it goes from there, m'kay? :3
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