Seriously, two reviewers and you've barely
prodded on content and style yet. Shame, peoples, shame. :<
Guess that leaves me, the evaluator who's technically even newer than DarkPersian. *Brandishes correctional marker* Have at thee!
"Toby! Toby! Toby!" the crowd was chanting while Toby's Gengar landed the final blow on the opposing Arbok.
Description point number one: pretend that I'm a complete n00b abut pokémon who can't identify anything not called Pikachu or Mewtwo. How would you describe a Gengar or an Arbok? The names don't cut it; give me their body shapes, their colors; describe it as carefully as you can. And it's not just the pokémon either; what does Toby look like? What about his opponent (other than 'random ninja ftw!')? We won't know unless you tell us. Also, what about mannerisms and emotions? What expression is the Gengar wearing when it lands its final blow? Does the Arbok look like it's in a lot of pain? How are the battlers taking the situation? And come to think of it, what is the stadium like? I know that there's a crowd, but I want to
feel it. Give me the layout of the battle ground, give me the annoying announcer and the bright lights, give me
thrill of it.
"Ugh," Toby muttered under his breath. He hated facing dragon-type pokemon. Whenever he came up against one, despite his Froslass's super-effective ice-type attacks, he couldn't come even close to retaliating. His pokemon always got KO'd on the first turn.
Umm...yeah, I'd rather want to know a bit more about what Toby is like before going into details of this type.
"Here goes!" Toby yelled as he chucked the Great Ball he had caught Frosslass in. He shuddered.
What will happen to Frosslass this time? he wondered,
Will she get KO'd, blasted out of the building, or will she have to return to her pokeball?
"I can't!" he yelled to himself. "Froslass will not go down this time!"
Touching angst and all, but seeing as I really don't know squat about Toby or Froslass I really can't bring myself to care. It's too early for this sort of thing. T_T
"Really?" the masked ninja replied, attempting to encourage his opponent to grow angry and forfeit. (Though wouldn't getting him angry make Toby want to beat this guy?)
Okay, so why do we get to know what the ninja-guy is planning and what's with that parenthesis which essentially makes that whole description pointless? o.O
"Froslass! Blizzard! Now!" Toby barked.
"Garchomp, dodge it and use Dragon Rush!" the ninja called. Garchomp seemed to ignore the orders and instead of dodging the attack, he ran right into it.
Again with the description. Just giving me the names of the attacks being used won't convey the action that this sort of scene should have. Describe
what the attacks look like and
how the pokémon are performing them.
"Remember when you withdrew your Garchomp when I sent out my Dragonite at the beginning of the battle? I confused it, that's how."
"I thought Garchomp had Natural Cure," the ninja said sadly.
"No, it doesn't," Toby answered quickly.
"But if you take a pokemon out of battle, its confusion wears off," he said.
Toby slapped his forehead and regretted that he was so ignorant to forget.
This exchange is just nothing short of weird. If the ninja was counting on the confusion clearing on the switch, then why did he even
bring up natural cure in the first place? If the thing wasn't confused then how
did Toby win? Finally, if he knew (or thought) that he had a leg up on that Garchomp then why all the angst earlier? It makes no sense no matter how you look at it. -.-
"Shane, is that you?" Toby wondered eagerly.
"Yes, it is."
Oh, it's Shane! That explains it!
...
Oh wait, I don't know who the heck Shane is. There's really no point to this sort of thing if you don't introduce the characters in question before it.
As Shane unwrapped his headband and took off his mask, Toby asked, "Why did you come, Shane?"
"To learn from you," he replied.
"What do you hope to gain?" Toby wondered with his head leaning to the right.
"I wish to learn how to battle as well as you," he said as he lifted his head to see Toby staring into his face.
"Well, weren't you with your parents in Blackthorn?" asked Toby, alarmed.
"Yes," Shane answered. That's why Toby liked him as a friend. He was always short and sweet and right to the point.
"Go call them," Toby ordered.
"How did you know it was me?" Shane was eager to know.
"Your Garchomp always is confused," Toby replied, chuckling.
Okay, this seriously doesn't look like an exchange between two friends. It's just too formal. o.O
Overall, this chapter just doesn't make sense. You're just throwing us into the middle of a battle between two people out of the blue, with no explanation as to why they are battling, where they are battling, and what has happened before (or is likely to happen after) the battle. In short, there's just nothing to make the reader come back for future installments. Your characters are friends, and the disguised friend battling is a cute little plot device and all, but since you haven't introduced them at all before this, the big surprise just loses its whole surprise factor. "Oh, the random character I don't care about was actually another random character I don't care about. =O"
Before pulling this kind of stunt you should, always, ALWAYS make sure that the reader knows the characters in question so that they can be genuinely surprised to find that what they took for a new character is actually an old one in disguise. Similarly, explanations like the one with the Dragonite don't really work unless you've already described that scene. Also, in a first chapter you should start by giving your main protagonist a proper introduction as well as introduce (or at the very least clearly hint at) a central conflict in the story. Overall, this chapter just looks like something you could find in the middle of a fanfic as opposed to the beginning. :\
Your description also needs a lot of work, since there's basically none at all on the physical side and the emotional one is very bare, mostly consisting of seemingly random adverbs you've injected here and there. Take your time and describe things, build up the mood, and chose your adverbs carefully. They make a huge impact on the reader's view of the fic.
Finally, I feel inclined to note that the pokémon side thus far doesn't look promising at all. Both characters' teams consist of fully evolved pokémon (Including rare and powerful ones like Dragonite, Gengar and Garchomp), none of which have exhibited any personality thus far. Remember, pokémon are characters just like humans and should be treated as such; nobody loves a complete pokébot (the mindless drone who blindly obeys every order without ever exhibiting even a hint of emotion). Giving your characters teams of fully evolved pokémon right from the get-go is also making them generic and impersonal. Character development is integral to a good story, and you're really shooting yourself in the leg on that front by depraving yourself of all the wonderful character development that evolving pokémon and training them from zero to hero entails. Pokémon shouldn't be slapped on there just for the sake of slapping them on; as characters they should serve a plot purpose just like all the others.
So yeah, plenty to improve on here. A couple of threads worth checking out:
Pokémon Fanfiction Writing Guide,
Basic Pokémon Writing FAQ, and
Grammar Advice
As I keep saying, every fanfic writer should read those at least once. Start by working with this and we'll see where it goes from there, m'kay? :3