Innocence Lost

Started by Umanouski November 23rd, 2007 8:14 PM
  • 964 views
  • 7 replies

Umanouski

1/2 of the NIWA Tag Team Champ

Age 34
Male
In the Shadows Stalking you...
Seen September 23rd, 2013
Posted September 23rd, 2013
208 posts
15.5 Years
As the Snowpoint Barge pulled up to Vermilion city...Umanouski felt a sense relief. He left the personal hell of Sinnoh. You see...he was a orphan. His parents died at the hands of Team Galactic. He was then forced at the age of six to live in a orphanage. The headmaster, a old unsuccessful trainer, forbade the children to live in contact with any Pokemon. However...this did not discourage him. He soon made contact with a Ralts. And when the Headmaster learned of this, he scolded Uman. That same night...he ran away. For seven days and nights...the boy ran. On top of the mountain Umanouski and Ralts found themselves in a sudden snowstorm. Ralts was the first to collapse. As the snow continued to fall and the wind howl, Umanouski walked, holding the Ralts in his frozen arms. Then finally... he fained.

He awoke to a old man...not unlike The Headmaster. But unlike The Headmaster he did not scold Umanouski for his Ralts. He instead, praised him. From that day foward...the old man raised Umanouski.

As Umanouski aged he became a exceptional trainer. His Ralts had evolved into a Kirlia, and he had caught a Bagon and received a Torchic as a gift from a old woman who lived down the road. And eventually, he won a couple of gym badges with the old man by his side.

But then the day came. Team Galactic attacked. Umanouski and the old man both fought Team Galactic...but they were unsuccessful to defend the small town. The old man died...and Umanouski weeped. He cried for hours. Along with his Kirlia, now evolved Combusken and Bagon. At that moment...Umanouski pleged to destroy Team Galactic. At the age of 13, he gave up his childhood.

His first battle came at Lake Verity. Where he drove off several Team Galactic Grunts who were trying to place a small bomb in the middle of the Lake.

He then drove off more grunts who were raiding Solaceon Town for pokemon. Thats when Team Galactic went after him. He tried to get back to his small hometown in the mountains...but Team Galactic cornered him in Celestic Town. In a epic battle...Team Galactic won because of their experience and their numbers. They then threw him on a barge headed to Viridian City in Kanto...far...far away.

Perhaps what they did was a good thing thought Umanouski. They got him away form his personal torture and a chance to start over.

As the barge docked with the pier...Umanouski stepped off. They made the biggest mistake of their lives. They should have killed him when they had the chance. At the age of 15...his innocence was lost.
Seen September 3rd, 2008
Posted April 30th, 2008
464 posts
15.6 Years
As the Snowpoint Barge pulled up to Viridian city...Umanouski felt a sense relief. He left the personal hell of Sinnoh. You see...he was a orphan. His parents died at the hands of Team Galactic. He was then forced at the age of six to live in a orphanage. The headmaster, a old unsuccessful trainer, forbade the children to live in contact with any Pokemon. However...this did not discourage him. He soon made contact with a Ralts. And when the Headmaster learned of this, he scolded Uman. That same night...he ran away. For seven days and nights...the boy ran. On top of the mountain Umanouski and Ralts found themselves in a sudden snowstorm. Ralts was the first to collapse. As the snow continued to fall and the wind howl, Umanouski walked, holding the Ralts in his frozen arms. Then finally... he fained.

He awoke to a old man...not unlike The Headmaster. But unlike The Headmaster he did not scold Umanouski for his Ralts. He instead, praised him. From that day foward...the old man raised Umanouski.

As Umanouski aged he became a exceptional trainer. His Ralts had evolved into a Kirlia, and he had caught a Bagon and received a Torchic as a gift from a old woman who lived down the road. And eventually, he won a couple of gym badges with the old man by his side.

But then the day came. Team Galactic attacked. Umanouski and the old man both fought Team Galactic...but they were unsuccessful to defend the small town. The old man died...and Umanouski weeped. He cried for hours. Along with his Kirlia, now evolved Combusken and Bagon. At that moment...Umanouski pleged to destroy Team Galactic. At the age of 13, he gave up his childhood.

His first battle came at Lake Verity. Where he drove off several Team Galactic Grunts who were trying to place a small bomb in the middle of the Lake.

He then drove off more grunts who were raiding Solaceon Town for pokemon. Thats when Team Galactic went after him. He tried to get back to his small hometown in the mountains...but Team Galactic cornered him in Celestic Town. In a epic battle...Team Galactic won because of their experience and their numbers. They then threw him on a barge headed to Viridian City in Kanto...far...far away.

Perhaps what they did was a good thing thought Umanouski. They got him away form his personal torture and a chance to start over.

As the barge docked with the pier...Umanouski stepped off. They made the biggest mistake of their lives. They should have killed him when they had the chance. At the age of 15...his innocence was lost.
Ok, this is way too short. Try to make it longer next time, about five pages of Microsoft Word worth.

The story looks very unoriginal. You might think you're the first one to come up with it, you're not - this is basically the Pokemon version of 24 if my suspicions are correct.

What the Hell is with all the '...' I mean, there are way too many, you really don't need it, a comma will do fine. You do a space after it, watch:

For seven days and nights...the boy ran.
It should be:

For seven days and nights... The boy ran.
There isn't much difference and you don't need a lot of effort but it makes the work look smarter.

You could at least describe the main character, like, it's always nice to know the backstory but without knowing what the character looks like sort of ruins the story. Describe your characters.

Ok, that's all for now. PM me if you have any questions.

JX Valentine

Your aquatic overlord

Female
Harassing Bill
Seen August 19th, 2020
Posted December 8th, 2012
3,276 posts
19 Years
Ok, this is way too short. Try to make it longer next time, about five pages of Microsoft Word worth.
*sigh* Length of the story depends on the actual storyline. There is such a thing as a prologue or even chapters that are only a page or so in length, but they still are workable because the content makes up for it. (I'm thinking in particular a friend of mine, who has written an epic with chapters only a page or so in length. It's actually fairly well-received because it's actually well-written, so if you're ever on Bulbagarden, feel free to drop by Blackjack Gabbiani's Obsession.)

The story looks very unoriginal. You might think you're the first one to come up with it, you're not - this is basically the Pokemon version of 24 if my suspicions are correct.
Way to actually analyze the storyline and point out why it's not original. The goal of the reviewer isn't to put down the writer. It's to point out the weak points and the strong points of their work and suggest ways to improve upon them.

Also, your corrected example with the ellipsis capitalizes in the middle of a sentence.

That said...


As the Snowpoint Barge pulled up to Viridian city...Umanouski felt a sense relief.
Three things. First is more of a grammar nitpick, but you should capitalize the word "City," as it's actually part of the name (Viridian City). Second, I'll have to agree with Lord about the ellipses. They're really only used when the speaker is trailing off or leaving off a certain amount of information. In other words, they're really used rarely, in situations where you absolutely must create a sense of drama. For a first sentence, however, you don't want to start off with the softness an ellipsis creates. You want a strong, dynamic sentence that grabs the reader's attention. Therefore, you don't want to sound like Captain Kirk and trail off in the middle of a sentence (which is really the sort of voice that you create when you use that mark of punctuation), so you'll want to drop the ellipsis and join the entire thing together in one strong opening.

The third thing is more of a canon-consistency problem. Viridian City is a landlocked location, if I recall correctly. How's a barge from the next region over getting in? O_o

He left the personal hell of Sinnoh. You see...he was a orphan. His parents died at the hands of Team Galactic.
You could probably pull off the idea of Sinnoh being a personal Hell if you actually wrote out scenes where either Umanouski is forced to remember the loss of his parents and reacts to it or the story flashes back (later on, when the information about their death at the hands of Team Galactic becomes relevant) to the scene where they died. Or, generally put, if you just showed a bit of reaction/backstory told by a character, rather than simply told the reader in the second sentence that something major happened in his life.

As it stands, we really aren't forced to feel for the character because all we've got is the narrator, who is supposed to be the objective voice anyway, telling us that his parents are dead. We don't see his emotions, nor are we given his thoughts or even a scene that would show us what happened and why. There's really nothing there.

The headmaster, a old unsuccessful trainer,
An old, unsuccessful.

If you're going to use the a/an articles, remember that "a" comes before words beginning with or sound like they begin with consonants. "An" goes before words that begin with vowels.

Likewise, you'll need the comma between those two adjectives to separate descriptive words.

forbade the children to live in contact with any Pokemon.
Any particular reason why? I'm assuming that it's because he was an unsuccessful trainer, but even then, it doesn't really make sense that he would completely forbid contact with wild animals just because of that, especially since there's been unsuccessful trainers in canon that have no problem being around Pokemon.

He soon made contact with a Ralts. And when the Headmaster learned of this, he scolded Uman.
It would be a good idea to let the reader see some of this, such as how he met the Ralts and how he was scolded by the headmaster (which shouldn't be capitalized, by the way, unless that's his name). It's really for the same reason I've mentioned above: to create a stronger work of fiction by allowing the reader to see what's going on and relate to the characters through emotion. Remember that we can't see into your mind, so if you have a scene in mind for backstory, it's usually a good idea to find a way to work it into the story to give us a better insight into your characters.

Also, as a grammar nitpick, you should drop the period after "Ralts," add in a comma, and form a compound sentence after this. Otherwise, the flow of your narration feels a little jerky, what with all those short sentences.

On top of the mountain Umanouski and Ralts
What mountain? Also, did Umanouski have the Ralts the whole time in the orphanage, despite being scolded by the headmaster?

As the snow continued to fall and the wind howl,
Howled. Or continued to howl. Something that would make that a full thought to match up with "the snow continued to fall." This is mostly for consistency and therefore the flow of your story. The smoother the flow at this point, the easier it is for a reader to imagine what's going on.

Umanouski walked, holding the Ralts in his frozen arms.
Side note, but if someone's limb was frozen, that's usually a sign that they're about to lose it soon. Frostbite kills tissue.

Then finally... he fained.
I'm assuming you mean "fainted" here. Always read over your story aloud before submitting it. That way, you can catch a lot of the errors and odd points of your work before you make it public.

He awoke to a old man...
I'm trying to think about this image. You usually don't awake to a person. You may awake to see a person or because of what a person is doing, but you really don't wake up just because they're there, which is what the phrase "[insert something here] awoke to" tends to imply.

He instead, praised him.
I'm thinking this sentence could be rearranged to place the instead in front of he. Alternatively, you could put a comma after he in order to separate instead from the rest of the sentence.

From that day foward...
Spell check as well before submitting your work. It's just generally easier to take a piece of literary work seriously if there's very few spelling and grammatical errors, and anyway, it tends to be easier to read, as some people tend to get tripped up on something they notice is a quirk.

And eventually, he won a couple of gym badges with the old man by his side.
...While living in one town?

The reason why a lot of new trainers need to leave home, aside from the fact that many Pokemon can't be found around their hometown, is because multiple Gyms aren't exactly down the street. They need to travel from city to city in order to complete a badge quest.

As it stands, I'm starting to feel as if things are a bit convenient for your character (self insert?). Orphanhood aside (which really tends to be one of those cliches of Sue or Studom anyway), he's already earned two badges seemingly easily, and he has three rare Pokémon to his name. The Torchic I can believe, but wild Bagon and Ralts are pretty rare. Ralts especially, as even aside from being a Radar-only Pokémon (which, okay, probably won't mean much in a fanfiction world) only, according to the Pokédex, appear before cheerful people.

I guess what would make this a bit more believable is if you spent a bit of time explaining the backstory to these Pokemon as well, rather than just say, "Oh, he has so-and-so now." Otherwise, you're once again telling instead of showing the audience what has happened to the main character, but you're also pretty much just handing opportunities to him, rather than show him struggling for it, especially since you've given him rare Pokémon, rather than just any other he could find fairly easily in those particular areas. Same thing goes with the badges he's obtained and the evolutions of his Pokémon.

and Umanouski weeped.
The past-tense of weep is wept.

His first battle came at Lake Verity. Where he drove off several Team Galactic Grunts who were trying to place a small bomb in the middle of the Lake.
This should be its own sentence, and again, you're rushing through things to get to Point B (wherever that might be), rather than spending a bit of time to show us how he managed to achieve this.

They then threw him on a barge headed to Viridian City in Kanto...far...far away.
Why would they do that instead of take him back to headquarters or kill him on the spot?


Overall, the main problem (albeit a fixable one, so don't worry) with this story is more along the lines of you're rushing through it, rather than taking time and describing events. Yeah, I know it'll seem like it's tedious to go back and detail how he's grown into this Galactic-hating fighting machine, but it's definitely worth it to get your point across and to avoid creating a weak narration where the narrator just says, "Look, this is how things are. Take it or leave it." That probably won't get you too many readers thereafter. So, what you need to do is definitely sit down and take your time. While, no, you don't necessarily have to write huge chapters, you at least want to provide the reader with actual scenes that show his growth from one event to the next -- something that shows some action being taken, rather than just something that tells the reader that he's an orphan or that he was scolded by the headmaster. Show us Uman getting scolded by the headmaster. That sort of thing will definitely add something interesting to your work.

Also, I get the feeling this was meant to be a self-insert, but be careful about them. Sometimes, when people make self-inserts, they tend to be over-the-top with how they do it and inadvertently create a Mary Sue or Gary Stu, or a character that's so exaggerated with powers, abilities, backstory, or even with their team (as in, having multiple legendaries on a team for no apparent reason or an entire team of powerhouse Pokémon obtained and trained with no shown effort) that they become unbelievable. And by unbelievable, I mean fairly weak characters. The story ends up focusing on their use of their traits or abilities, rather than on what they do and how they get to the end of the story. And, on top of all that, the writer tends to compensate a lack of personality for all those little traits or abilities.

So, to avoid it, all you really have to do is spend time with your character. Develop him a bit more by thinking about who he actually is and how that works into your story concept. Give him a personality and some life, maybe even a flaw or two that hinders him and creates problems for him in the story. However, to do this, you'll also need to really work on your story itself, which just goes back to what I've said earlier.

Now, for the reason I've stated above (that your story is a little underdeveloped right now, assuming this is just a prologue anyway), I can't say for certain that your character is a Gary Stu. However, angsty past, exceptional trainer, rare Pokémon for the region, and an unusual name tend to be the stereotypical red flags for spotting Gary Stus. So, all I have to say is be careful and try to develop your story a bit more.

Also, don't forget to proofread your story carefully before submitting it. Read it aloud as well as run it through spell check. That way, you can get rid of as many of the little bumps as you can eliminate.

Overall, it's a better read than a few others I've read, but there's room for improvement. Just take your time and give us some scenes, and you'll be on your way to bettering yourself as a writer.
Professional ninja. May or may not actually be back. Here for the snark and banter at most.

Need some light reading?
Anima Ex Machina (Chapter 20 now available)
The Leaf Green Incident (SWC 2012 winner)
Braid (Creepypasta apparently)
Domain | Dreamwidth | Twitter

Umanouski

1/2 of the NIWA Tag Team Champ

Age 34
Male
In the Shadows Stalking you...
Seen September 23rd, 2013
Posted September 23rd, 2013
208 posts
15.5 Years
So what you are saying it can still be fixed, and is NOT that bad? Thanks, and I also meaning to add more chapters. The reason for the name will come in later in the story, if i should continue. Thanks a lot for your help, when i finish writing the next part (And I meant to put Vermilion, sorry.) i shall post it in this thread...thanks again.
Say a prayer for peace...for every fallen son
Set my spirit free, let me lay down my gun
Sweet Mother Mary im so tired
But I cant go home till the last shot's fired
Till the Last Shot's Fired By Trace Adkins

And I'm proud to be on this peaceful piece of property,
I'm on sacred ground and I'm in the best of company,
I'm thankful for those thankful for the things I've done,
I can rest in peace, I'm one of the chosen ones,
I made it to Arlington.
Arlington by Trace Adkins
Please respect the souls who have lost their lives in war defending our freedoms.

JX Valentine

Your aquatic overlord

Female
Harassing Bill
Seen August 19th, 2020
Posted December 8th, 2012
3,276 posts
19 Years
Most stories can be fixed, if the author's willing to spend time and a bit of effort on working on it. So, yeah, you just need to put in a bit of good, old-fashioned hard work, and you'll be able to get your story on track.

And yeah, it's not really all that bad. Keep in mind, though, that I've read some pretty godawful ones that were nearly unreadable, so I'm not sure how much that's affected my opinion. XD
Professional ninja. May or may not actually be back. Here for the snark and banter at most.

Need some light reading?
Anima Ex Machina (Chapter 20 now available)
The Leaf Green Incident (SWC 2012 winner)
Braid (Creepypasta apparently)
Domain | Dreamwidth | Twitter

Umanouski

1/2 of the NIWA Tag Team Champ

Age 34
Male
In the Shadows Stalking you...
Seen September 23rd, 2013
Posted September 23rd, 2013
208 posts
15.5 Years
Thanks and look for the next chapter sometime next week. I'm really using this to polish and sharpen my writing skills.

I'm also going to use this to see my improvement over time.
Say a prayer for peace...for every fallen son
Set my spirit free, let me lay down my gun
Sweet Mother Mary im so tired
But I cant go home till the last shot's fired
Till the Last Shot's Fired By Trace Adkins

And I'm proud to be on this peaceful piece of property,
I'm on sacred ground and I'm in the best of company,
I'm thankful for those thankful for the things I've done,
I can rest in peace, I'm one of the chosen ones,
I made it to Arlington.
Arlington by Trace Adkins
Please respect the souls who have lost their lives in war defending our freedoms.

Umanouski

1/2 of the NIWA Tag Team Champ

Age 34
Male
In the Shadows Stalking you...
Seen September 23rd, 2013
Posted September 23rd, 2013
208 posts
15.5 Years
As he stepped off the barge, he walked into the closest Pokemon Center where he met a young girl. She was energetic and she slightly annoyed Uman, but he ignored her until she approached him. "HI, your new here!! Whats your name?"
Still he ignored her, continuing to fiddle with his notebook. "My name's Crystal, whats yours?" She asked. At that point, Umanouski put down his notebook as responded "My name is Umanouski, and thats all your going to know about me." Nurse Joy then called Umanouski over. "Now if you were to excuse me, i must take my leave." Umanouski then grabbed his pokeballs, clipped them to his belt, and left. Crystal was very frustrated with this boy. She thought she had been very nice. But alas, she saw something in the boy. She liked him. She wanted to follow him. She did, but there was a problem with that, she lost rack of him.

Later that night, Umanouski heard screaming and yelling coming from his west. He grabbed his pokebelt and hurried into the direction of the scream. He came across a road, and from the woods, he saw Crystal being chased by one man and a woman with black uniforms and a giant red "R" on their chests. He then stepped onto the road and said "Leave her alone, turn back, or call your pokemon!" "HA! A kid? Please, we'll crush you!" The man said. "Then call your pokemon and fight!" The people with the "R" on their chests threw out their pokemon. "Go Zubat!" Yelled the female "Go Raticate!" called the male.
"Please, that's all you can throw at me? Go Kirlia! Bagon!"

There was a very quick battle with the people with "R" on their chests losing badly. As they ran off they screamed "We will return with more of us! Don't worry! Nobody stands up to us and lives!" "I'd like to see them try." Umanouski said under his breath. He then turned and spoke to Crystal "Are you hurt?" "No, thank you for saving me." Crystal said. "You shouldent be out here. Your lucky I heard you scream. You could have died. Go home." Umanouski said. He then proceeded to his campsite. "Wait!!!" Crystal managed to muster up the courage to speak. "I live on Cinnabar Island. I came here to get all the gym badges. I can't go home. I promised i wouldn't go back until I was going for my final badge." "Very well, don't go home. Just be warned, I may not be there to save you again." Umanouski stated. "I know. Please, can i stay with you? I'm scared..." She said quietly. Umanouski turned "Fine, do what you want." She then followed him to the campsite. Umanouski fell asleep quickly, but Crystal did not. She stayed awake for about twenty minutes. She finally fell asleep after curling up next to her night in shining armor...
Say a prayer for peace...for every fallen son
Set my spirit free, let me lay down my gun
Sweet Mother Mary im so tired
But I cant go home till the last shot's fired
Till the Last Shot's Fired By Trace Adkins

And I'm proud to be on this peaceful piece of property,
I'm on sacred ground and I'm in the best of company,
I'm thankful for those thankful for the things I've done,
I can rest in peace, I'm one of the chosen ones,
I made it to Arlington.
Arlington by Trace Adkins
Please respect the souls who have lost their lives in war defending our freedoms.