Darkness Ignition

Started by GalladeIceMan November 27th, 2007 4:19 PM
  • 1077 views
  • 12 replies
Age 26
Gettysburg, PA
Seen December 6th, 2008
Posted December 6th, 2008
117 posts
15.5 Years
Prologue

Far below the region of Hoenn, there was a different region known as Riavaln. Most of the region was covered in snow, but that never stopped the evil Team Tyrant from demolishing entire cities. Each time, a new victim the size of a town fell, the group became more powerful. The last target was Zaliv city. Team Tyrant had left burning buildings in their wake. Though they had squandered many foolish attempts, they had succeded this time. All they had needed to do was intercept the truckload of rare candies, they decided they needed to something extra. Of course, they did. But it was the wrong thing, as they ran into pokemon trainer Vick.


Vick was about 5'6 and weighed about 110 pounds. His wavy blonde hair cut into everything else. But his eyes were his most striking feature. Nothing was missed by these piercing sky blue eyes. These eyes saw all. Even plans by the evil Team Tyrant. With his trusty Gallade, loyal Hitmonchan, and powerful and smart Feraligatr at his side, he could not be overcome.


But Team Tyrant was after something much more powerful than rare candies, the ever dorment stones of Irigo and Vizior were their most prized target. Of course, they couldn't dive headfirst into their plan. First, they had to anticipate what could happen. They were buying the rare candies to make Irigo and Vizior more powerful.
--PC Family
Evil Twin-Andy1582
Brother-Hero of Time Link




FC: 3995-5358-0857

If you leave a bible out in the wind and rain,
It will rot away.
Our bible is the wind and rain!
Age 26
Gettysburg, PA
Seen December 6th, 2008
Posted December 6th, 2008
117 posts
15.5 Years
Well you aren't gonna have to because it's right here!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 1
Tyrant Rising



Chapter 1
Tyrant Rising

Vick was sauntering down Route 304, back to his hometown of Spardell Town. He had decided to let his Hitmonchan out of its pokeball in case of immediate ambush by Team Tyrant. Ever since the incident when Vicks parents were killed, he had been waiting for the day when the boss showed his face so Vick could double him over in battle.


Suddenly, a bush rustled. And out plunged a Team Tyrant Grunt. His Hitmonchan didn’t break a sweat taking down the grunt’s Houndour. But then, another grunt tuck and rolled out into his path! He wiped the floor with the foe’s Bulbasaur, with Hitmonchan using Ice Punch. Once he thought all work was through, not one but two Tyrant administrators flanked him as he engaged them in battle.


“You scum!” Vick yelled at them. “You can’t beat an egg!” Vick dug down into his pocket and brought out a pokeball with a Feraligatr seal on it. “Go Feraligatr!”


“Kekeke,” giggled Calie, the first administrator. “Come on out, Weavile!”


“Hehehe,” chuckled Brad, the other administrator. “Armaldo! Let’s squash this jerk!”


The two shperical capsules released the pokemon held captive, and in front of Calie, a dark figure with gleaming white eyes and pitch-black pupils equipped with razor sharp claws revealed itself. In front of Brad, a creature with armored plates and eyes like a slug’s showed itself and the battle began.


“Hitmonchan, use Close Combat on Weavile! Feraligatr, Hydro Pump on Armaldo!” Vick barked to his pokemon.


“Weavile dodge it and use Shadow Ball on Hitmonchan!” Calie shouted. Weavile attempted to dodge but it was no avail. Weavile flew back a few yards and lay there, unconscious.


“Armaldo! Endure!” Brad screamed to what he thought as a tool. Sweat was streaking down his forehead, and his eyes were bulging out of his sockets. Armaldo crossed its arms across its chest and shook its head. It didn’t seem to want to obey Brad. Instead, it found a comfortable spot on the dirt to lay down and sleep. The gushing water left the pokemon's mouth, and the Armaldo shifted slightly before getting drenched by a thunderous wave of water. It was pushed back a few feet, then it lay there, knocked out.

“Yeah! Feraligatr! Hitmonchan! High-five!” the boxing pokemon gave the hardest, then all of Vick’s pokemon returned to their safe haven in their pokeballs.


Vick didn’t know it, but he was being watched. Watched by the most elusive eyes on the planet. This was no ordinary spy, however. The boss was doing his work in the field today, spying on the best trainers. He had heard about this kid. Vick, the name came to him. It brought back bad memories. Vick knew more about the boss than he thought he knew.


As Vick walked home to his grandparents’ house, he forgot that he had to pick up some revives and potions. You see, Vick’s grandpa was very abnormal. He didn’t like to stay inside, take naps, and read all day. Instead, he liked to go out with his pokemon and take walks, and battle. Vick had his share of battles with grandpa. He hadn’t won many of them, mainly because grandpa had been an illustrious trainer in his day. His trophy case was filled up, and the one that Vick thought was the greatest achievement his grandpa ever had, was probably the one that said ‘1958 international championship-1st place’.


When Vick got to his house, his grandpa said that the professor next door wanted to see him. Vick packed all of his items just in case. Once he got to the professor’s lab, the professor beckoned to him eagerly. As Vick drew close, a black hair kid with glasses popped out in front of him.


“Ahh!” Vick screamed out, terrified and surprised.


“Diego, you don’t need to do that,” professor Zach scolded him.


“Now Vick. Diego told me that you battled two Team Tyrant administrators at one time,” Zach said, eyes widening.


“Yes, I did,” Vick replied quickly.


“In that case, I want you to take this little guy,” the professor handed him a pokeball.


The pokeball opened, releasing light out of the ball, forming a Gallade shaped figure. Though he had seen some Gallades before, he hadn’t seen one quite as funny as this one. He thought something was fishy, but realized that everything was okay. It was only that the Gallade was blue in most parts instead of green. He had studied something about these types at school. Since he paid attention in class, he remembered that pokemon that are different colors were called ‘Shiny pokemon’. Though he knew they were extremely rare, he didn’t expect to get one.


“What!?” He exclaimed and asked, but it was difficult to tell if it was one or the other. “How did you get me this? Is it really mine? His questions berated the professor.


“Yes, it is yours, consider it my birthday gift to you,” the professor smiled and nodded his head.


“Oh! I always wanted one!” Vick shouted, still in his state of shock. He gave the Gallade a hug, and the Gallade hugged him back.


All of a sudden, a boy collapsed in the doorway of the building. He huffed and puffed but seemed to be attempting to say something. “T-Tea-Team” he huffed “Tyra-Tyrant is on their way to dest-destroy the t-town,” he finally spat out and fell to to the floor unconscious.
--PC Family
Evil Twin-Andy1582
Brother-Hero of Time Link




FC: 3995-5358-0857

If you leave a bible out in the wind and rain,
It will rot away.
Our bible is the wind and rain!
Seen September 3rd, 2008
Posted April 30th, 2008
464 posts
15.6 Years
Ok, I like the plot so far but..

What do they look like? What's a Hitmonchan? Like, seriously, I know all of that, but an alien from Mars wouldn't - I mean, you have to describe them and give the alien an idea of what the look like. And what's a Poke ball? All of those gaps sort of need to be filled in.

Ferlligator... Is that the right spelling or is yours? Search it up on serebii.net

And what's a Hydro Pump? All it says is that Weaville attempted to dodge it - but what is it?

Say something like:

The gushing water left the Pokemon's mouth, the Weaville, suddenly alert to the danger, jumped out of the way of the incoming attack.
Or something along those lines.

Ok, until then - later!
Age 26
Gettysburg, PA
Seen December 6th, 2008
Posted December 6th, 2008
117 posts
15.5 Years
Chapter 2
Ignite the Flame




“What?” Vick questioned the boy, but the boy was unconscious.

All of a sudden, an explosive sound filled the air. Vick smelled the scent of a singed house. He had witnessed the smell many times before. It was there in every town, and all the time, he knew it was dirty work of Team Tyrant. Now, he came to wonder, why did they set this town ablaze?

He then felt the scorching heat of fire. The blaze seemed to interact with his mind, as he couldn’t think at all.

Whipping out his pokeball with the Feraligatr seal on it, his voice sounding like sandpaper, he ordered, “Feraligatr! Hydro Pump on the flames!” The alligator pokemon popped out, and sent a roaring blast of water flowing from its mouth. Within seconds, the laboratory was no longer on fire. Vick and his Feraligatr watered down all of the houses set on fire, acting like a fire extinguisher.
* * *
“Dang kid, he always ruins our plans. We can’t shake him. We aren’t following him, he’s following us!” Administrator Lucas told the boss. “My squadron needs better pokemon! His last pokemon he had received was a Gallade! Could we have some ghost or flying-types?” He pleaded, sounding desperate.

“How much money do you have? How many grunts do you have God dang it?” The boss asked, frustrated at every failure his team has given him. This one was the simplest job yet, but they still blew it! He couldn’t wait any longer, he needed to take down Vick. But he couldn’t do it know, not with the terrible jobs his team was doing. Right now, he was considering firing some personnel to get more money. He had always thought that $275 from each month was worth more than a grunt. Anyway, the grunt was given quarters at the HQ building.

“I have $12,154, sir. I have been saving up my money, I was hoping to get promoted to a commander, but I thought”- he was cut off mid-sentence.

“For each grunt, you may purchase a level thirty Haunter for $700 each, a level twenty Staravia for $350 each, or a level fourty Sneasel for $1000 each.”

“Sneasels, I need ten of them. As fast as you can, he’s coming to the next gym, I’ll bet you,” He laid $10000 on the table, and power-walked out of the room, seeming to be in a big rush.

“Hahaha!” The boss laughed maniacly. That boy has much to learn. He doesn’t know that Sneasels are super weak against fighting-type attacks! So hilarious,” his laughter died down a little. “Oh it’s good to be boss.”

~ ~ ~

Vick’s Pigeot flew him to Acoble City, and grinned as the gym leader approached him.

“Vick, you still battling as a trainer? I thought you would be pokemon champ by now!” Kazuo laughed, surprised.
Kazuo was about 5'11, and weighed about 140 pounds. His black buzzcut looked surprising on the Japanese psycic master.

“Hey, I’m ready to take you on!” Vick shouted to him, over the roar of an incoming car.

“Alright, as the 7th gym leader, I must take you on,” Kazuo said, dismayed. “Go! Alakazam!” The psycic pokemon took place, with its two silver spoons banging together, and its long yellow mustache flowing smoothly from its face.

“Ugh. Alakazam. Alright, go Gallade!” The shiny blade pokemon jumped out of its pokeball and started running in place with its feet straddled in its fighting position. “Gallade, use Shadow Claw!”

“Alakazam, dodge it and use Aerial Ace!”

The Alakazam sprinted out of the way and lunged forward to Gallade. Gallade swooped below Alakazam but it was no avail. Gallade was struck by Aerial Ace. He hung in there but barely.

“Gallade! Shadow Punch this time!”

Gallade sped up to Alakazam, but Kazuo’s pokemon suddenly used Hypnosis. Gallade leaped over the targeted area, and struck Alakazam square in the mouth. Alakazam lay there for a few seconds, then stay still.

“Alakazam! Come back! Go! Medicham!” Medicham resembled a stance in karate, and it looked like it wore a magenta snow cap, but it waved its arms mercilessly.

“Gallade! Shadow Claw! Keep your focus!” Gallade swung from side to side as the Medicham was confused on where Gallade would appear next. It swiped a dark and harmful claw to hit Medicham. Medicham was knocked out in seconds.

“Phew. Now that I’m down to my last pokemon, I can come up big! Go! Gengar!” The ghost pokemon started to taunt Gallade by sticking out its tongue and crossing its eyes. The spikes on its back seemed to shoot up when Gallade shook his head and refused to laugh.

Gallade didn’t need to know what to do, it went right ahead and used Shadow Claw, and it squared Gengar right between the blood-red eyes.

“Ah! You took down all of my pokemon! No wonder I said it in dismay,” Kazuo admitted sadly. “You earn this. It’s Acoble City’s Telepathy Badge. “I’ll see you around sometime,” Kazuo smiled hopefully.

As Vick walked away, the administrators who attacked him last time came up to him again.

“It’s battle time! You will not prevail!” They shouted at Vick in unison.

“What do you want? Fine, I’ll take you easily. Go Feraligatr and Gallade.” He said, sounding dull.

“Go Weavile!” Calie yelled.

“Go Charmeleon!” Added Brad.

“Feraligatr, don’t let him out of your grasp, Superpower on Weavile, and Gallade, use Brine on, well, Charmeleon.”

The two attacks rained down on the opposing pokemon, Weavile running around in circles before having Superpower demolish it. Charmeleon was trying to avoid it, but not on Brad’s orders, instead, before the attack, it became confused and ran right into Brine, severely hurting the foe’s Charmeleon, and Feraligatr finished it off with a fierce Bite attack.

After the two administrators walked off, a man in the shadows appeared. He took his hood off, and he saw the boss! He could not believe it, he had waited so long to face him, but he had thought he had seen his face before, but he couldn’t quite put his finger on it.
--PC Family
Evil Twin-Andy1582
Brother-Hero of Time Link




FC: 3995-5358-0857

If you leave a bible out in the wind and rain,
It will rot away.
Our bible is the wind and rain!
Age 26
Gettysburg, PA
Seen December 6th, 2008
Posted December 6th, 2008
117 posts
15.5 Years
Lord94, thanks for your revisions and I have edited my story to the way you thought it should be. Have any more revisions?
--PC Family
Evil Twin-Andy1582
Brother-Hero of Time Link




FC: 3995-5358-0857

If you leave a bible out in the wind and rain,
It will rot away.
Our bible is the wind and rain!
Seen September 3rd, 2008
Posted April 30th, 2008
464 posts
15.6 Years
Ok - edits...

First off:

Chapter 2
Ignite the Flame
You have that down as big as possible - everybody is going to see it.

So why do you have it:

Chapter 2
Ignite the Flame

Chapter 2
Ignite the Flame
You don't have to put it twice down. I think everbody'll know from the first huge words that it's chapter two.

“What?” Vick questioned the boy, but he was unconscious.
Now, I'm not sure about that - but if I were writing it'd be:

"What?" Vick questioned the boy, but the boy was unconscious.
Otherwise people might think Vick is unconscious, which wouldn't really make any sense.

All of a sudden, an explosion sound filled the air.
I would put it:

All of a sudden, an explosive sound filled the air.
Another thing you seem to have a problem with is tenses (remind me to put that in the guide me and scythe are working on).

He now felt the scorching heat of fire.
He now?

Shouldn't it be:

He then felt the scorching heat of fire.
The blaze seemed to interact with hs mind
shouldn't it be 'his'?

“How much money do you have? How many grunts do you have god dangit?”
God is always spelled with a capital G.

And instead of one word; try 'dang it'. It's grammatically correct.

“For each grunt, you may purchase a level 30 Haunter for $700 each, a level 20 Staravia for $350 each, or a level 40 Sneasel for $1000 each.”
'level 20 Starvia.' Try: Level twenty Starvia.

always try to type numbers as letters, not numbers.

“Sneasels, I need 10 of them.
Maybe ten?

“Hahaha!” The boss laughed hardly. That boy has much to learn. He doesn’t know that Sneasels are super weak against fighting-type attacks! So hilarious,” his laughter died down a little. “Oh it’s good to be boss.”
Yeah - let's try:

The boss laughed hardly(hardly?) "That boy has much to learn. He doesn't know that Sneasels are super weak against fighting-type attacks. So hilarious," his laughter died down a little. "Oh, ot's good to be the boss."

I just put in a comma, speech marks and took out the 'hahaha' - reads better that way.

Vick’s Pigeot flew him to Acoble City, and grinned as the gym leader approached him.

“Vick, you still battling as a trainer? I thought you would be pokemon champ by now!” Kazuo laughed, surprised.

“Hey, I’m ready to take you on!” Vick shouted to him, over the roar of an incoming car.

“Alright, as the 7th gym leader, I must take you on,” Kazuo said, dismayed. “Go! Alakazam!”

“Ugh. Alakazam. Alright, go Gallade!” The shiny blade pokemon jumped out of its pokeball and started running in place with its feet straddled in its fighting position. “Gallade, use Shadow Claw!”

“Alakazam, dodge it and use Aerial Ace!”

The Alakazam sprinted out of the way and lunged forward to Gallade. Gallade swooped below Alakazam but it was no avail. Gallade was struck by Aerial Ace. He hung in there but barely.

“Gallade! Shadow Punch this time!”

Gallade sped up to Alakazam, but Kazuo’s pokemon suddenly used Hypnosis. Gallade leaped over the targeted area, and struck Alakazam square in the mouth. Alakazam lay there for a few seconds, then stay still.

“Alakazam! Come back! Go! Medicham!”

“Gallade! Shadow Claw! Keep your focus!” Gallade swung from side to side as the Medicham was confused on where Gallade would appear next. It swiped a dark and harmful claw to hit Medicham. Medicham was knocked out in seconds.

“Phew. Now that I’m down to my last pokemon, I can come up big! Go! Gengar!”

Gallade didn’t need to know what to do, it went right ahead and used Shadow Claw, and it squared Gengar right between the blood-red eyes.

“Ah! You took down all of my pokemon! No wonder I said it in dismay,” Kazuo admitted sadly. “You earn this. It’s Acoble City’s Telepathy Badge. “I’ll see you around sometime,” Kazuo smiled hopefully.

As Vick walked away, the administrators who attacked him last time came up to him again.

“It’s battle time! You will not prevail!” They shouted at Vick in unison.

“What do you want? Fine, I’ll take you easily. Go Feraligatr and Gallade.” He said, sounding dull.

“Go Weavile!” Calie yelled.

“Go Charmeleon!” Added Brad.

“Feraligatr, don’t let him out of your grasp, Superpower on Weavile, and Gallade, use Brine on, well, Charmeleon.”

The two attacks rained down on the opposing pokemon, Weavile running around in circles before having Superpower demolish it. Charmeleon was trying to avoid it, but not on Brad’s orders, instead, before the attack, it became confused and ran right into Brine, severely hurting the foe’s Charmeleon, and Feraligatr finished it off with a fierce Bite attack.

After the two administrators walked off, a man in the shadows appeared. He took his hood off, and he saw the boss! He could not believe it, he had waited so long to face him, but he had thought he had seen his face before, but he couldn’t quite put his finger on it.
Ok, sar far I like that but:

1: What does the seventh gym leader look like? Descriptions (again).

2: What do the Pokemon look like? You've described some, but not Alakazam.

Ok - I like this story and I'm sure Hanako or someone else will do more.

You seem to be stuck on descriptions a lot. If you want help, feel free to PM me.
Age 26
Gettysburg, PA
Seen December 6th, 2008
Posted December 6th, 2008
117 posts
15.5 Years
Chapter 3
X-Ecution Day

Vick's mind was a blur as he tried to think of where he had seen that man before.

Was this the man that killed my parents? That jet, i've seen it before. Why is he here? Is he here because of Irigo and Vizior?

All of those thoughts were racing through his mind and it was like all of the thoughts were kids, trying to get on the computer at one time, the answers were never solved.

"Vick," began the boss. "You know why I am here. I have come to make a proposal with you. If you were willing to join Team Tyrant, I would have you second-in-command."

"You know that I would never side with evil," Vick said, raging.

"Only if you knew the truth. Then, you would," the boss taunted.

"I will never listen to any of your lies!" Vick screamed.

"Well, now that you have decided against it, I will now meet with Giovanni!" The boss smirked, trying to get Vick to join by saying he wasn't the best trainer.

Vick walked away, shaking his head. He had not known the truth about the boss. As he stared into nothingness, he wondered if he made the wrong decision. Then, Kazuo came up.

"Don't think that you made the wrong decision. You made the right choice. If you had sided, no one knows what would happen to you," he assured.

"No, no you don't. It's all of my fault. My life is so lopsided. I ran away from home when I was four years-old. Right before my parents died. He looked like my dad. But I know he isn't."

* * *

"Giovanni, I have hacked into the pokemon storage system. I also have retrieved Vick's Zigzagoon. Can we test the machine?" The boss asked impatiently to get it over with so he knows if it would work or not.

"Sure, sure. Fire up the machine!" Giovanni ordered one of his grunts. "The machine is programmed to switch the types of the pokemon to the type it was naturally weak against, then extract the DNA from the pokemon making it immune to the attacks that would cause it serious damage in its new state. Take the Zigzagoon for example, the machine would change it to a fighting-type, then make it immune to psychic and flying-types," Giovanni finished.

"But what about the types that have multiple weaknesses? What would it do to them?" The boss questioned, sensing a flaw.

"It would change it to that type. Same as always. Such as Cyndaquil, say, he has a weakness of Rock, Ground, and Water. It would change him to all of those types, creating an immune system of Grass, Electric, Water, Fighting, Steel, Ice, etcetera!" Giovanni shouted excitedly. "Satchel, put the Zigzagoon in."

Once the boss threw the Zigzagoon in, the machine made sort of a sputtering noise. When the machine's noise died down, the hatch opened to reveal a Zigzagoon that seemed to be revved up for action.

"Let's see the little squirt in action," Satchel said, tension building up so he could spot errors or places where the work could be changed.

"I agree. Go Rhydon!" Giovanni shouted. The rhinocerous pokemon stood his position. "Rhydon, Rock Tomb!" Rocks rained from the sky onto the Zigzagoon, attempting to dodge all of the boulders. It lived up to its name by zig-zagging to the left, then right, then-

SPLAT!

The racoon pokemon was trapped under a huge boulder, and once the Zigzagoon broke free of that rock, another landed right on its head.

CRACK!

It shattered on contact when it hit Zigzagoon's head. Zigzagoon then used a menacing Bite attack on Rhydon. Rhydon's eyes went huge, and then it fell to the floor uncoscious.

"Wow! I didn't know that it was so effective! I haven't seen anything battle like that since- EVER!" Satchel cried.

* * *

As Vick was soaring on his Pigeot, when he went by the Tyrant HQ, he heard a deafening CRACK! He really thought that the two bosses were discussing an experiment. Sure enough, they were.

When he peered down to the ground, he saw a teenage girl being mauled by two Tyrant commanders. He swooped down to the ground to see what was going on. No one really knew what happened next except the girl and Vick. A large green oval with a cap on it was chucked at Vick, presumably by a commander.

He barely avoided the grenade as it blew up right behind the Pigeot. As he flew lower and lower, more grenades were chucked at him. Now he dodged all of them with ease.

When he landed on the surface, the commanders ceased throwing the grenades.

"Please, help me take out these mean men!" The girl pleaded. She had jet black hair and ocean blue eyes. Vick thought that she was beautiful. She had a soothing voice that connected all of the words fluently, not like a five year-old, who yells at everything because they are just learning to speak.

"All right! Go! Hitmonchan!" The boxing pokemon appeared by its side, punching the air with its boxing gloves.

"I'll send out Umbreon!" The girl shouted. A pokemon with blood-red eyes and sky blue rings basically everywhere. It took two milliseconds for him to figure out that it was shiny.

The first commander sighed. "Kid's, will they ever learn? I was hoping for a fun battle. Eh, what the heck. Blastoise! Come on out!" A pokemon with a huge brown shell with cannons on them took form in front of its master.

Then, the second commander shook her head. "What he said. Go! Nidoking!" A purple colored pokemon with a horn on its head appeared and the battle began.

"Hitmonchan! Ice Puch on the Nidoking!" A freezing fist sped toward the Nidoking. But with Nidoking's fairly slow speed, it wasn't able to avoid the attack. The Nidoking was struck by the cold blast of ice and tried with all of its might to withstand the attack, but it was to cold, and it fainted.

"Umbreon! Sheer Cold!" The blast of absolute-zero cold seemed as if it came from the cold of the snow of the region itself. Blastoise was shivering so heavily. The ice blew Blastoise over, making him faint.

"We aren't through yet!" Screamed the commanders after Vick withdrew his pokemon. "Haryama! Take them out!" A pokemon with a large nose and a tan dress popped out and rushed toward Vick, socking him in the stomach, and blood gushed out of his mouth.

"Hitmonchan! Close Combat!" Hitmonchan rushed toward the Haryama, lifting his hand to strike the foe, but with that split second, Haryama grabbed Hitmonchan and threw him to Vick. Hitmonchan lay on Vick, bleeding and both unconscious. As for the mystery girl, she lay in an awkward position on the ground, clearly unconscious. She hadn't survived the massacre from a Primeape. Then, as Vick was trying to sit up, one of the commanders threw a grenade at Vick, it landed about ten feet from his body, blew up, and everything went black.

_________________________________________________________________

Sorry, I know that some of the attacks that are on some of the pokemon's movesets are incorrect, like Sheer Cold. I just wanted to make the different movesets-well, different.
--PC Family
Evil Twin-Andy1582
Brother-Hero of Time Link




FC: 3995-5358-0857

If you leave a bible out in the wind and rain,
It will rot away.
Our bible is the wind and rain!
Seen September 3rd, 2008
Posted April 30th, 2008
464 posts
15.6 Years
ok... lets go!

Vick 's mind was a blur as he tried to think of where he had seen that man before.
Sorry mate, but there isn't a space before the apostraphe: Vick's.

Was this the maan that killed my parents? That jet, i've seen it before. Why is he here? Is he here because of Irigo and Vizior?
Surely, man?

All of those thoughts were racing through his mind and it was like all of the thoughts were kids, trying to get on the computer at one time. The answers were never solved.
'Time. The' = no. Time, the = yeah. Time; the = yeah. Time - yeah = yeah.

"Vick" began the boss. "You know why I am here. I have come to make a proposal with you. If you were willing to join Team Tyrant, I would have you second-in-command."
That's all great and all, but put a comma after "Vick_" in the place where I put the _

"I would never accept the truth even if you were my best friend!" Vick screamed.
That's got me thinking... That makes no sense...

"Well, now that you have decided against it, I will now meet with the greatest boss ever!" The boss smirked, trying to get Vick to join by saying he wasn't the best trainer.
Please, don't insult us by thinking you have to spell everything out for us, if you did, I wouldn't bet saying this right now and we'd all be six years old.

Vick walked away, shaking his head. He had not known the truth about the boss. As he stared into nothingness, he wondered if he made the wrong decision. Then, Kazuo came up.

"Don't think that you made the wrong decision. You made the right choice. If you had sided, no one knows what would happen to you," he assured.

"No, no you don't. It's all of my fault. My life is so lopsided. I ran away from home when I was four years-old. Right before my parents died. He looked like my dad. But I know he isn't."
That just annoys me... He doesn't even know who 'the boss' is.

As if he would just walk away from the guy... Please, realism helps...

"Giovanni, I have hacked into the pokemon storage system. I also have retrieved Vick's Zigzagoon. Can we test the machine?" The boss asked impatient to get it over with so he knows if it would work or not.
um... right...

The bossed asked impatient? Impatiently... So he knows? Stick with the tense: Knew.

"Sure, sure. Fire up the machine!" Giovanni ordered to one of his grunts.
No need for the 'to'...

psycic
psychic - amusing, nonetheless.

the hatch opened to reveal a Zigzagoon which seemed to be revved up for action.
Instead of 'which' - try 'that'

The first commander sighed. "Kid's when will they ever learn? I was hoping for a fun battle. Eh, what the heck. Blastoise! Come on out!"
how about:

kids, when will they learn?



Tell me, what's a Zigzagoon and a Rhydon? You never described them...

There are some flaws of realism here, which I'll post about later...
Age 26
Gettysburg, PA
Seen December 6th, 2008
Posted December 6th, 2008
117 posts
15.5 Years
Rating Please. The next chapter will come out tomorrow. I just am swamped with other different work.
--PC Family
Evil Twin-Andy1582
Brother-Hero of Time Link




FC: 3995-5358-0857

If you leave a bible out in the wind and rain,
It will rot away.
Our bible is the wind and rain!