Pokémon....

Started by Eruption December 1st, 2007 6:16 AM
  • 2782 views
  • 20 replies

Eruption

Age 27
Male
North East England
Seen April 4th, 2020
Posted November 17th, 2017
6,316 posts
17 Years
I have anme now but still taking suggestions.

Chapter 1 – The Nightmare [The Beginning]

A large green beast chased a tall boy with jet black hair and shining blue eyes down an alley. It kept screaming as it came at the boy, it was too indistinct to hear exactly what it was screaming though. Some pattern shined off the beast from the moonlight,
Mostly circles. The boy soon stopped behind a rubbish bin. The beast looked around and thrashed a few bins out of the way with its super power and speed. The boy shivered in fear, the beats was approaching him at rapid speed and, there was nothing the boy could to but hide and run. The Beast roared with fury at each bin it thrashed as it carried on looking for the boy. The Beast was soaring over the boy’s bin and caught a glimpse of him. He dived down at the boy and opened its mouth for attack…

“BILLY JONES WAKE UP!!!!!” Shouted an annoyed teenage girl with blonde hair and blue eyes. Billy awoke, “I hard the worst nightmare there was…” He stuttered.
The girl interrupted him, “Yeah, yeah now get ready we get our Pokémon today, remember?” She dragged him out of his bed along to the bathroom. “Wait… I’m still half asleep, Sis.” He stuttered. The girl payed no attention and forced his toothbrush into his mouth. “QUICKLY! BRUSH!!!!!” She yelled. Billy brushed his teeth slowly.
The girl sighed and went downstairs. Five Minutes Later, Billy followed downstairs dressed and ready. “Took your time…” Muttered the girl. Billy had a quick slice of toast and packed a bag. “Come on then, Stacey” Billy said. And they both left their house after saying goodbye to their mother. It was a bright, sunny day, perfect for starting a journey. Billy and Stacey walked just up the road to the lab, where Prof. Pine worked.

“Ah, hello you two just in time you can join me & Sammy over here”
Professor Pine said when they entered. Stood with the old Professor was a boy with jet black hair and blue eyes, he looked like Billy’s twin and was Billy’s best friend.
‘Oh great, Billy’s geeky friend’ Stacey thought to herself. The professor thought were to start and then begun talking, “Okay now to start of your journey you will each need a Pokémon, I currently have a Bulbasaur, Cyndaquil and a Piplup” Professor Pine released these three pokémon from their Poké Balls. The first was a cute small green pokémon with a huge bulb on its back. The second, a mainly blue and crème pokémon with flames coming out its back. And the third was a blue creature similar to a penguin. Stacey seemed to adore them all, Billy looked quite chuffed but Sammy was unimpressed. “No Hoenn Starters then?” Sammy asked. The Professor was quite shocked at this question, as he thought he had chosen the right bunch of starters. “No, I’m uhh… Sorry” He stuttered. Sammy picked up the Bulbasaur. “Nevermind, this little guy will do” Sammy said. Which brought a smile to the Professor’s face. Stacey had stared at the Piplup ever since it was released from the ball. The Professor picked up the Pokémon and put it in Stacey’s hands as she looked completely paralysed. “Thanks!…” She yelled. “Cool I get the fire type” Said Sammy as he was handed Cyndaquil by the Professor.

So read & rate please.

Btw, this is my first fanfic.

[I will accept flaming]
Seen September 3rd, 2008
Posted April 30th, 2008
464 posts
15.6 Years
Ok, lets see...

“BILLY JONES WAKE UP!!!!!” Shouted an annoyed teenage girl with blonde hair and blue eyes. Billy awoke, “I hard the worst nightmare there was…” He stuttered.
Ok, lots of work here apparently...

For one, lay off the caps...

"Billy Jones, wake up!" An annoyed teenage girl shouted, she had blonde hair and blue eyes.

Billy woke up. "I had the worst nightmare; there was-"
Now, lets be honest - which one looks better?

Eruption

Age 27
Male
North East England
Seen April 4th, 2020
Posted November 17th, 2017
6,316 posts
17 Years
Pretty good description in the Nightmare. 8/10
Thanks.

And thanks for the tip, Lord94.
I was just trying emphasis would bolding it be good?

I'll have chapter two up today.
Maybe three...

Elite Overlord LeSabre™

On that 'Non stop road'

Age 97
Shimoda City
Seen 2 Weeks Ago
Posted January 25th, 2022
9,705 posts
15.5 Years
I've made numerous grammar corrections. My changes in bold type.

Some pattern shined off the beast from the moonlight, mostly circles.
The boy shivered in fear, the beast was approaching him at a rapid speed and, there was nothing the boy could to but hide and run.
You don't need the comma in red.

He dived down at the boy and opened his mouth for attack…
“BILLY JONES WAKE UP!!!!!” shouted an annoyed teenage girl
Mistake with quotes and capitalization. A topic in the grammar help thread explains this.

Billy awoke. “I hard the worst nightmare there was…” he stuttered.
“Wait… I’m still half asleep, Sis,he stuttered.
“QUICKLY! BRUSH!!!!!” she yelled.
Five minutes later, Billy followed downstairs
Any reason for the random capitalization?

“Ah, hello, you two just in time. You can join me & Sammy over here,” Professor Pine said when they entered. Standing with the old Professor was
Watch the tenses of the verb, stand.

Oh great, Billy’s geeky friend,’ Stacey thought to herself. The professor thoughts were
“Okay, now to start of your journey.
Remember the punctuation

Bulbasaur, Cyndaquil and a Piplup.” Professor Pine released
Remember the punctuation

The second was a mainly blue and crème pokémon with flames coming out its back.
Watch the sentence fragments.

“No, I’m uhh… Sorry,he stuttered. Sammy picked up the Bulbasaur. “Never mind, this little guy will do,” Sammy said, which brought a smile to the Professor’s face.
Again, the quotes and sentence fragments. "Nevermind" is not a word; it's always two separate words.

Thanks!…” she yelled. “Cool, I get the fire type!said Sammy
Every time a new character speaks, it's a new paragraph.

Some sentences were confusing and didn't make a lot of sense. Others sounded choppy.

Description could use improvement, as could characterization. All we know about the characters is that Stacey is impatient and thinks Sammy is geeky. We don't know anything about the personalities of the other characters.

other reviewers may go into more, but grammar's my main thing and I briefly touched upon the parts that stood out to me.

Elite Overlord LeSabre™
PC Vital Stats
* Pair
* PC Family
* Bishies
* VG Claims
* Friend Codes
Links
* Blog
* Web Site
* Fan Fictions:
* Leaf Green LP

Eruption

Age 27
Male
North East England
Seen April 4th, 2020
Posted November 17th, 2017
6,316 posts
17 Years
I've made numerous grammar corrections. My changes in bold type.




You don't need the comma in red.




Mistake with quotes and capitalization. A topic in the grammar help thread explains this.








Any reason for the random capitalization?


Watch the tenses of the verb, stand.




Remember the punctuation


Remember the punctuation


Watch the sentence fragments.


Again, the quotes and sentence fragments. "Nevermind" is not a word; it's always two separate words.



Every time a new character speaks, it's a new paragraph.

Some sentences were confusing and didn't make a lot of sense. Others sounded choppy.

Description could use improvement, as could characterization. All we know about the characters is that Stacey is impatient and thinks Sammy is geeky. We don't know anything about the personalities of the other characters.

other reviewers may go into more, but grammar's my main thing and I briefly touched upon the parts that stood out to me.
Thanks.

I know I should lok along punctuation.

My 3rd chaoter will get more into characters and I will sort of punctuation in that chapter to.

Uts a bit too late for the second chapter though as I have just completed it.





Chapter 2 – Magnetic Problems Part One

“See you Professor!” Shouted the three trainers. The professor chased after them, “wait!” he shouted. Sammy, Stacey and Billy turned around. “You need more than just a Pokémon you know, here I’ll give you the rest of the equipment.” He said.
Professor Pine then passed them a small gadget with a few buttons, labeled Pokédex.
Another small gadget labeled Pokétch and 5 Red And White balls. “The Pokédex record data on Pokémon you see, the Pokétch is a device with many uses you currently have a stepcounter and a clock and the balls are Poké Balls used for catching weak pokémon” Explained Professor Pine. The three trainers all nodded. Professor Pine looked at Sammy and Billy. ‘Oh damn it. Which one is which?’ He thought. Sammy got a phone call. “Yeah, right, fine, okay, bye Mike” He replied to whoever was phoning him. “Here you go, Billy” Said Prof. Pine. He passed Billy a package.
‘I hope I’m right in thinking Mike is Sammy’s brother’ He thought to himself. Soon after, Stacey and Billy went back to their house to say a goodbye to their mother and father. Meanwhile, Sammy went home to flash off his new Pokémon, Bulbasaur, to his brother and taunt him with it. After an hour or so their journey really began and they left their home town, Willow Town.

After leaving they were already walking in tall grass, the main place where Pokémon appear. Billy saw a rock or what he thought was a rock. Two hands appeared from the rock and two eyes and a mouth, “Geodude” The Rock yelled. Billy nudged Sammy and whispered, “Dude, creepy rock over there.” He pointed at the “Rock”. “Geodude” The rock yelled again. “It’s a Pokémon, I think.” Sammy replied. And got out his Pokédex, “Geodude, a rock type Pokémon, it is exactly like a normal rock except the obvious hands, eyes and mouth” The PokéDex explained. Sammy & Billy were surprised their gadget could talk, they thought it only displayed information.
“Well I’m going to catch it!” Shouted Billy. Stacey looked around at Billy.
“Uhh.. catch what?” She said. Stacey had missed the entire conversation. Billy took no notice and sent out Cyndaquil for the first time from his Poké Ball. Billy took out his Pokédex and searched for Cyndaquil’s moves, he found scratch and leer. “Okay, Cyndaquil Leer! Get his defense down!” Billy ordered. Cyndaquil took the order and leered the Geodude. Geodude span around in a defensive shape. “Okay, Cyndaquil lets see if scratch will do anything now” Billy said. Cyndaquil ran up and scratched the Geodude, the Geodude seemed unfazed though. “Odd, I thought Leer lowered defense” Said Billy. Sammy then pointed to the Geodude and span around. Billy looked confused. “He used defense curl, it raises defense” Sighed Sammy. Billy then turned back to the fight and Geodude had tackled Cyndaquil to the ground. Cyndaquil was still fighting fit but he didn’t look as powerful as before the attack. “To solve any more damage….” Said Billy as he threw a Poké ball at the Geodude. The Poké Ball stopped in midair and suddenly sped off away form the whole battle. “What the?” Stuttered Billy. “Quick chase after it!” He added. Stacey and Sammy ran to follow the Poké Ball. Billy and Cyndaquil soon after followed, dodging all the Pokémon in the way of the tall grass. What would they find as they chased the rapid Poké Ball?




Chapter 3 – Magnetic Problems Part Two


After a while of chasing the Poké Ball that flew rapidly through the air, the trio,
Billy, Sammy and Stacey entered a thick forest which blocked the beautiful rays of sunlight shining on the Earth. The trees were all thick willows, which carried on row after row which a small pathway in between the sets of trees. “Come on, we’ve almost caught up with it” Said Stacey impatiently as the other two stopped for a breather.
Billy quickly got back up with a determination to get his Poké Ball back. Sammy stayed still for a while. But could then run faster than the other two and quickly went past them again. “Its simpler to wait, you can become stronger then” He exclaimed.
Sammy seemed very patient about his life up to this point, even though you could get a Pokémon from Professor Pine at your twelfth birthday he waited another two months to have his best mate beside him. The Poké Ball got faster and soon the source of the power making it drift away from the trio was clear. A bunch of silver magnets with eyes appeared. “Magnemite, Magnemite, Magnemite!” The magnets screeched.
Sammy whipped out his Pokédex as Billy and Stacey arrived with him. “Magnemite, a magnet Pokémon, it is electric and Steel type” The Pokédex informed. Sammy then threw out his Poké Ball to make his grass Pokémon, Bulbasaur appear. “Bulba” The Bulbasaur Shouted angrily. The Poké Ball then went straight onto a Magnemite.
“Oh No” Shouted Sammy. Stacey And Billy then released Cyndaquil and Piplup.
Their Poké Balls landed with Bulbasaur’s on the Magnemites. “Three Magnemites, Three On Three, Lets Go!” Ordered Billy. Stacey frowned at this comment and got angry, “Who said you can order me about!?” Stacey Yelled. Billy ignored her.
“Cyndaquil attack the middle Magnemite, Scratch!” Billy ordered. Cyndaquil, tired from the run, tried to scratch the Magnemite but missed as the Magnemite moved quickly to dodge it. “Piplup, Peck that Magnemite!” Ordered Stacey. Piplup pecked the Magnemite and it oddly seemed to do considerable damage as the Pokémon seemed too weighed down with Poké Balls to defend itself. “Okay, Bulbasaur, my friend use Leer!” Ordered Sammy. Billy looked as if he wanted to kill Sammy.
“What the Hell!? Do you want to lose these Poké Balls?” He screamed at Sammy.
Sammy knew what he was doing and turned around to face the Magnemites, one had shot a bolt of lightning at Piplup, which had now fainted. The next Magnemite paralysed Cyndaquil with a wave of thunder. The next Magnemite had a normal attack tackling Bulbasaur. “Okay… I was thinking this would happen, Leer again Bulbasaur!” Sammy ordered. Billy looked over at him in dismay. The three Magnemites all put an effort together to defeat Cyndaquil with bolts of lightning.
“Okay! Now Bulbasaur use Tackle” Ordered Sammy. Bulbasaur tackled all 3 Magnemites to the ground as they fainted. “Patience is key, my leers weakend them all so much they couldn’t withstand attack” Said a smug Sammy. The three collected up their Poké Balls. As they done that, Stacey spotted a mysterious figure in between in the bushes, rustling about. Later that day, they set up camp and talked about their first day as a Pokémon trainer. “Hey, I never opened that package that Professor gave me” Billy said as he got the package. He opened it to find a map of the Cham Region.
“Ah so we are in Willow Forest…” He exclaimed.
Seen December 12th, 2016
Posted July 9th, 2016
849 posts
15.6 Years
You have several gramatical and spelling errors. Remember, when writing a fic, you must be as proper as possible when not talking in quotes. Overall, it's good! However, typical journey/qeust RPs can get boring if you don't have a good plot. Make sure you remember that and you'll be fine.

Also, when there's a new speaker, remember to go to the next line. I was guilty of that when I first started.

~TurtleKing

Eruption

Age 27
Male
North East England
Seen April 4th, 2020
Posted November 17th, 2017
6,316 posts
17 Years
You have several gramatical and spelling errors. Remember, when writing a fic, you must be as proper as possible when not talking in quotes. Overall, it's good! However, typical journey/qeust RPs can get boring if you don't have a good plot. Make sure you remember that and you'll be fine.

Also, when there's a new speaker, remember to go to the next line. I was guilty of that when I first started.

~TurtleKing
Thanks.

And I'm trying my hardest fro new line, i just seem to froget when its barely anything said.

Oh and don't worry, I'll be throwing in some twists to normal episodes [hopefully], if I am not sucessful at changing the usual storyline, I'll try a spin-off. [I have an idea for a spin off containing Professor Pine]
Seen December 12th, 2016
Posted July 9th, 2016
849 posts
15.6 Years
Thanks.

And I'm trying my hardest fro new line, i just seem to froget when its barely anything said.

Oh and don't worry, I'll be throwing in some twists to normal episodes [hopefully], if I am not sucessful at changing the usual storyline, I'll try a spin-off. [I have an idea for a spin off containing Professor Pine]

It doesn't matter if it's just one sentence, just remember to start the next line with a new idea, speaker, or scene. :)

Take your time when making chapters. Make sure it's near perfect in your opinion.

Eruption

Age 27
Male
North East England
Seen April 4th, 2020
Posted November 17th, 2017
6,316 posts
17 Years
Heh, well, I guess it is. It's fine with me.

Clear out your PM box.
Thanks.

I'll do that now.

EDIT:

Chapter Four – Shellos + Pikachu

Billy woke up in his tent before Stacey and Sammy. He took off his soccer pyjamas and put on his usual Red top with a black jacket and jeans. He looked outside the tent to find a terrible day, rain falling all over the place and even the large willow trees couldn’t stop it from pouring through into the forest. It was damp and dark as the winter months stretched sunrise. Stacey soon awoke in her tent and put on her usual pink top with water Pokémon all around the top and her matching trousers. She looked out to find the rain pouring down too, “YES!” She screamed. Sammy also awoke after hearing that, “What the? Who’s screaming?” He said slowly. He slowly got up and put on his clothes, a similar set to Billy only with a Navy blue jacket instead as he tried to confuse people into thinking they were twins. Stacey soon got out of her tent and started up with breakfast in the rain, while the other two skipped it.
“Hey what is that?” Said Stacey to herself as she spotted a small pink slug swimming slowly around a pond. Stacey got out her PokéDex. “Shellos, the sea slug Pokémon, it has two forms which differ from which part of the region it was born. This Pokémon is water-type” The Pokédex informed. Stacey had a grin on her face as she released Piplup from her Poké Ball. “Bingo, a water type, Okay, Piplup peck Shellos!” Ordered Stacey. “Pip” Piplup quickly said as went over to attack Shellos with a peck. Shellos retaliated with a water gun attack that didn’t affect Piplup too hardly. Shellos was preparing for another attack and braced itself. “Okay, Piplup peck again!” Stacey ordered. Shellos tried to dodge the attack but wasn’t fast enough compared to Piplup.
Shellos tried to fight back with water gun but it wasn’t affecting Piplup enough to make a difference. “I hope there isn’t any of those psycho Magnemites around again.”
Stacey said as she tossed the Poké Ball at the weakened Shellos. The sea slug was absorbed into the Poké Ball. It rolled the Poké Ball in an attempt to escape and a second time but, no success. Stacey had caught her first Pokémon, Shellos. “Yes!” She screamed s she ran to Billy’s tent to show him. Billy didn’t respond well, “Oh man I wanted to catch a Pokémon first, oh well, I will still be a master one day” Billy stated after Stacey showed him Shellos. She ran over to Sammy’s tent to brag to him.
Sammy didn’t seem to car much. “Well, good job, but I thought you didn’t like me anyway?” He asked when Stacey showed him Shellos. Stacey was taken back a bit by this question, she didn’t know why she had bothered to show the ‘geek’ either. “Well its probably because we’re travelling together now.” She replied.

Stacey then got out the tent and released the Shellos she started teaching it her dance routine with Piplup,
who by now knew it off by heart. Billy burst out of his tent, with no waterproof clothing on, and ran off. Stacey stopped dancing for a moment. “Why is he in such a rush?” She asked herself. Sammy popped his head out of the tent with Bulbasaur on top of his hair, “Simple. You have a Pokémon. He doesn’t want to be behind you so he’ll be off to catch one.” He explained. Stacey then started dancing again and Sammy went back into the tent. Meanwhile, Billy half way up the forest, was getting very frustrated at the lack of Pokémon out in the rain. As he ran to find one he went passed a yellow Pokémon which appeared as a blur to him as he ran straight passed it.
He then realised he had ran past of Pokémon and walked back to the spot where the Pokémon was. He saw a yellow mouse-like creature with rosy red cheeks and a long zigzag tail. “Pika.” The mouse-like creature said. Billy faced the Pokémon, eye to eye, and then got his PokéDex out, “Pikachu, the electric rodent Pokémon, it is similar to many other species of Pokémon like Minun” The PokéDex informed Billy. Billy threw his Pokéball out and Cyndaquil appeared. Cyndaquil looked tired, it hadn’t had much sleep recently and it had battled twice, against Geodude & the Magnemites. “Cyndaquil, I know you are weak but I know that you are strong inside go get him, Scratch attack!” Billy Ordered. Cyndaquil picked up some confidence and scratched Pikachu well. Pikachu immediately hit back with its own scratch. Billy thought of Sammy’s tactics, “leer this time” He Ordered. Cyndaquil leered the Pikachu. The Pikachu scratched Cyndaquil again. Cyndaquil was low on health. “Last chance, scratch!” Ordered Billy with determination. Cyndaquil took a good swipe and Pikachu. Billy took his chance and threw a Poké Ball at Pikachu. Pikachu weakly attempted to escape and was too weak to have a chance. Pikachu was caught.
Billy smiled. “Nice job, Cyndaquil!” He laughed as he hugged Cyndaquil.
Billy made his way back to camp hoping for better weather tomorrow so the group could continue through the dark forest, Willow Forest.


I have killer chapters coming out, this will be where the story line really starts.

Next Chapter: The Mysterious Figure