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Hope this fanfic works out better than my last two failures >>;;
Categories- Anime | Original
Rating- PG-13
Based on- Anime Pokemon | Kanto Adventure
Chapter one- The Beginning
It is night time. The stars and the moon shine on the earth below. In a small neighborhood, all the lights are off in the houses, the street lamps giving light to the streets below. Everything seems peaceful, everyone in the houses at sleep- All but for one house. The house has a light on, seemingly coming from a room. All are thought to be asleep however, the time being 11:30 PM.
The light comes from a room. Like the average room, it has a TV, a computer, and a bed. The TV is on, and it is seeming to show a Pokemon battle. The sound on the TV is blaring loud, for more effect, and the child inside the room, looking to be about age 13. He is looking to be enjoying himself, as the sounds of the battle consists of shocks, collisions, and explosions. For a moment, the TV shows the trainers in battle in thought, with tired Pokemon in front of them.
One trainer has a bigger Pokemon, looking to be an Electevire, and its trainer looking rather dark and commanding, with purple hair. The other, with a smaller Pokemon, and a rather nice looking trainer, with a hat and black, spiky hair. The two Pokemon charge at each other with extreme force, looking to be the final attack due to a huge amount of force in, possibly reserves. And explosion happens from the power collision, and the boy watching the TV anxiously gets up to see the result. "And the winner is.." However, the winner of the match could not be heard, as the TV screen turns black, seeming to have the power cut off. The child looks angrily at the TV, then quickly turns his head to the side, seeing a woman holding a disconnected chord.
"Mom! Why did you do that? It was the finish of the fight!"- Asked the child to his mom, in quite the angry mood.
"You have watched the battle in that tape at least 50 times today! You already know the result. And look at the time, you know you have a big day ahead of you tomorrow! Get to bed, Armon."- Replied the woman, pointing to the clock once. Once she headed out of the room, she turned the light off.
The child, now known as Armon, fell back into his bed once the light turned off. He quickly fell asleep, and began dreaming about the day ahead of him. His dreaming lead to him in a battle field, a Pokemon in front of him shorter than him, with a flame tipped tail. It fired off a powerful amount of flames from its mouth out into the open. That Pokemon disappeared, being replaced with a turtle like Pokemon. It released a blast of water out into the area before it. It too disappeared, being replaced with a green Pokemon holding a bulb on its back. This Pokemon's attack consists of leaves attacking out into the distance.
"Which... one..." The boy murmured in his sleep.
The night seemed to pass by quickly, as an alarm from a clock began ringing loudly, around the time of 7:30AM. Armon woke up, looked at it, and knocked it down to the ground with its hand. He said, "I don't got anything important toda---" pausing at that moment, quickly jumping out of bed. He quickly put some clothes on; A plain white T-Shirt with sleeves, a red overcoat, which remains open. Blue jeans that are slipped on quickly, and seem to fit easily, a pair of black gloves, and finally his main article of clothing. A black hat which he wears backwards atop his jet black, spiky hair. He bends over to grab a pair of shoes, quickly fitting one onto his foot, all tied up. He hopped downstairs on one foot, trying to get the other shoe on. Upon reaching downstairs, this feat is accomplished.
He looks over into the kitchen, seeing his mother cooking some food, father sitting down reading, and a younger child of 4 or 5 eating some baby food. Armon says, "Cya! Going to go get my Pokemon!". After, he takes a dash for the door.
"Seeing as you won't be back for awhile, going out on your Pokemon journey and all... Take this with you." The mother said, handing him a small backpack with proper supplied in it.
"You could use that on your Pokemon journey. Call back soon, possibly when you get to the next town. Good luck." His mom says once more, smiling when she wishes him good fortune.
Armon smiles, nodding once. He dashed out the door, backpack strapped to his back, and he grabs out a bike from the side of the house. He begins quickly dashing south on the bike, to Pallet Town, as he is in a Viridian City neighborhood.
It takes Armon about an hour or so to get out of Viridian City, and halfway through Route 1 at the speed he is going. He quickly dashes through Route 1, not being careful about where he is going, even though there is Pokemon on the route, and he does not have a Pokemon of his own. All that was in his mind is getting to Pallet Town to receive his Pokemon.
"Got to get there.. To get my starter!" Armon said to himself, panting from going the speed he is going.
Armon doesn't pay attention to a ledge ahead of him, he just zooms towards it. Once he reaches it, the bike falls forward, Armon falling off the bike and into a small patch of grass. It is a rather loud thump when he falls, and three bird Pokemon fly upwards, being disturbed by this, having a sense that they are being attacked. Armon backs up, with his arms up ready to defend himself, though he has no way to. The three Pokemon charge, and he closes his eyes.
However, a shock of concentrated lightning blasts at the Pidgey, knocking them backwards and away. A small, mouse like Pokemon dashes up in front of Armon, on all fours, sparking cheeks. It fires off one more blast of lightning to drive the attacking Pidgey away. Armon recognizes the Pokemon right away, as it stands on its hind legs, satisfied of its victory.
"Its a... A Pikachu!" Armon said in amazement at the small Pokemon.
The Pikachu looks curiously at Armon. A trainer walked up near the Pikachu, happily saying, "Great job!" as the Pokemon jumps up on his shoulder.
Armon turns to the trainer, in disappointment, seeing that it already has a trainer. Disappointment turns into a surprising emotion when he sees who the trainer is. The morning sun shimmers over the two, as Armon looks up at the trainer, recognizing who it is.
"You're.. You're Ash Ketchum!" Armon says, happily while still on the ground.
//Chapter Ended.
Categories- Anime | Original
Rating- PG-13
Based on- Anime Pokemon | Kanto Adventure
Chapter one- The Beginning
It is night time. The stars and the moon shine on the earth below. In a small neighborhood, all the lights are off in the houses, the street lamps giving light to the streets below. Everything seems peaceful, everyone in the houses at sleep- All but for one house. The house has a light on, seemingly coming from a room. All are thought to be asleep however, the time being 11:30 PM.
The light comes from a room. Like the average room, it has a TV, a computer, and a bed. The TV is on, and it is seeming to show a Pokemon battle. The sound on the TV is blaring loud, for more effect, and the child inside the room, looking to be about age 13. He is looking to be enjoying himself, as the sounds of the battle consists of shocks, collisions, and explosions. For a moment, the TV shows the trainers in battle in thought, with tired Pokemon in front of them.
One trainer has a bigger Pokemon, looking to be an Electevire, and its trainer looking rather dark and commanding, with purple hair. The other, with a smaller Pokemon, and a rather nice looking trainer, with a hat and black, spiky hair. The two Pokemon charge at each other with extreme force, looking to be the final attack due to a huge amount of force in, possibly reserves. And explosion happens from the power collision, and the boy watching the TV anxiously gets up to see the result. "And the winner is.." However, the winner of the match could not be heard, as the TV screen turns black, seeming to have the power cut off. The child looks angrily at the TV, then quickly turns his head to the side, seeing a woman holding a disconnected chord.
"Mom! Why did you do that? It was the finish of the fight!"- Asked the child to his mom, in quite the angry mood.
"You have watched the battle in that tape at least 50 times today! You already know the result. And look at the time, you know you have a big day ahead of you tomorrow! Get to bed, Armon."- Replied the woman, pointing to the clock once. Once she headed out of the room, she turned the light off.
The child, now known as Armon, fell back into his bed once the light turned off. He quickly fell asleep, and began dreaming about the day ahead of him. His dreaming lead to him in a battle field, a Pokemon in front of him shorter than him, with a flame tipped tail. It fired off a powerful amount of flames from its mouth out into the open. That Pokemon disappeared, being replaced with a turtle like Pokemon. It released a blast of water out into the area before it. It too disappeared, being replaced with a green Pokemon holding a bulb on its back. This Pokemon's attack consists of leaves attacking out into the distance.
"Which... one..." The boy murmured in his sleep.
The night seemed to pass by quickly, as an alarm from a clock began ringing loudly, around the time of 7:30AM. Armon woke up, looked at it, and knocked it down to the ground with its hand. He said, "I don't got anything important toda---" pausing at that moment, quickly jumping out of bed. He quickly put some clothes on; A plain white T-Shirt with sleeves, a red overcoat, which remains open. Blue jeans that are slipped on quickly, and seem to fit easily, a pair of black gloves, and finally his main article of clothing. A black hat which he wears backwards atop his jet black, spiky hair. He bends over to grab a pair of shoes, quickly fitting one onto his foot, all tied up. He hopped downstairs on one foot, trying to get the other shoe on. Upon reaching downstairs, this feat is accomplished.
He looks over into the kitchen, seeing his mother cooking some food, father sitting down reading, and a younger child of 4 or 5 eating some baby food. Armon says, "Cya! Going to go get my Pokemon!". After, he takes a dash for the door.
"Seeing as you won't be back for awhile, going out on your Pokemon journey and all... Take this with you." The mother said, handing him a small backpack with proper supplied in it.
"You could use that on your Pokemon journey. Call back soon, possibly when you get to the next town. Good luck." His mom says once more, smiling when she wishes him good fortune.
Armon smiles, nodding once. He dashed out the door, backpack strapped to his back, and he grabs out a bike from the side of the house. He begins quickly dashing south on the bike, to Pallet Town, as he is in a Viridian City neighborhood.
It takes Armon about an hour or so to get out of Viridian City, and halfway through Route 1 at the speed he is going. He quickly dashes through Route 1, not being careful about where he is going, even though there is Pokemon on the route, and he does not have a Pokemon of his own. All that was in his mind is getting to Pallet Town to receive his Pokemon.
"Got to get there.. To get my starter!" Armon said to himself, panting from going the speed he is going.
Armon doesn't pay attention to a ledge ahead of him, he just zooms towards it. Once he reaches it, the bike falls forward, Armon falling off the bike and into a small patch of grass. It is a rather loud thump when he falls, and three bird Pokemon fly upwards, being disturbed by this, having a sense that they are being attacked. Armon backs up, with his arms up ready to defend himself, though he has no way to. The three Pokemon charge, and he closes his eyes.
However, a shock of concentrated lightning blasts at the Pidgey, knocking them backwards and away. A small, mouse like Pokemon dashes up in front of Armon, on all fours, sparking cheeks. It fires off one more blast of lightning to drive the attacking Pidgey away. Armon recognizes the Pokemon right away, as it stands on its hind legs, satisfied of its victory.
"Its a... A Pikachu!" Armon said in amazement at the small Pokemon.
The Pikachu looks curiously at Armon. A trainer walked up near the Pikachu, happily saying, "Great job!" as the Pokemon jumps up on his shoulder.
Armon turns to the trainer, in disappointment, seeing that it already has a trainer. Disappointment turns into a surprising emotion when he sees who the trainer is. The morning sun shimmers over the two, as Armon looks up at the trainer, recognizing who it is.
"You're.. You're Ash Ketchum!" Armon says, happily while still on the ground.
//Chapter Ended.
RIP Jimmy "The Rev" Sullivan
Feb 10th, 1981 - Dec 28th, 2009
"Jimmy you are forever in our hearts"
And **** you 2009 for taking him from us.
Feb 10th, 1981 - Dec 28th, 2009
"Jimmy you are forever in our hearts"
And **** you 2009 for taking him from us.
Age 35
Touhou land, grazing danmaku all the way
Seen August 8th, 2010
Posted June 4th, 2010
5,751
posts
17.9
Years
It's a binned fic without a bajillion chapters! Yay! ^0^
Okay then, that puts you at the top of my review list, you lucky person you; feel privileged!
...or despair, pick and choose. ;D
First off, don't be discouraged by your fic ending up in the bin. This means that there are problems with it, yes, but it also means that you will receive special attention from the best reviewers we've got to fix them. Listen to the advice you get and work hard on your fic and it will be out of the bin before you know it. Now, let's gets started, shall we?
Okay, to begin with there is no such expression as being "at sleep" in the English language. Correct phrases would be either "everyone is asleep" or "everyone is sleeping". The second underlined bit is a cross-breed of two different expressions. That should be either "all but one house" or "all except for one house", but not a combination of the two. Also note that since the last thing you referred to in the previous sentence is the people in the houses (as opposed to the houses themselves) the current structure doesn't work. If you want to use the "all except for/but one" phrase, then you should restructure the end of the previous sentence to refer to the house. The dash also isn't what you really need here; that punctuation mark is used for the sole purpose of denoting a sudden and abrupt interruption in the sentence. For instance:
But in this case you're looking to add additional emphasis to the fact that one house has lighting on while the others don't, so instead of placing a dash there, try changing lines, like so:
All except for one.See what I mean? If you leave a single sentence alone on its own paragraph, that sentence gains extra weight in the reader's eyes. No need for a dash here. The slight edit to the wording there is just to make it conform to the earlier point about referring, not in a "you must write precisely like this! >O" sense. You should apply your own style for the edit; just make it grammatically correct.
The light comes from a room. Like the average room, it has a TV, a computer, and a bed. The TV is on, and it is seeming to show a Pokemon battle. The sound on the TV is blaring loud, for more effect, and the child inside the room, looking to be about age 13. He is looking to be enjoying himself, as the sounds of the battle consists of shocks, collisions, and explosions. For a moment, the TV shows the trainers in battle in thought, with tired Pokemon in front of them.Next up, the underlined bit looks pretty weird to me. I mean, what do you mean 'seemingly'? Either it's coming from the room or it isn't; pointless indecisive modifiers just get tedious. I'd also suggest being more specific: what room is the light coming from (considering that you can apparently see it from the outside)? I'm also going to need a lot more description here, I mean...try to create a little mood: don't just list the stuff that's in the room (Incidentally, my room must be non-average since I don't have a TV or a computer in there T_T), give us descriptions, colors, lighting, little details. Is that really all the furniture there? No bookcases, tables, or chairs? No lamp? Is the room tidy or a mess? Is this a really posh house or regular suburb? Slum hole? There's so much you could be describing here but aren't. Considering the outside observer approach you've taken with your narrator, details in the room could be used as a way to reflect Armon's personality (a person's room is a mirror to their soul and all that). You've also got a second unnecessary indefinite modifier here, and if you've ever read an academic essay you'd know just how annoying those get. Since all the reader has to rely on is the narrator's description of the place, at least make that description definite. Then there's the needlessly complicated "phrase looking to be"...
...
Just, why are you bothering with that? You can just say "he seems to be"; needless complication is stylistically bad. Also, how come we get to know the boy's age but nothing about his appearance? Why does he look like he's 13 (again, looking to be is a needless complication)? That sentence is also incorrect since you have no predicate for "and the child inside the room". And the child inside the room what? You never answered that bit so your sentence is unfinished. Finally, 'in thought' and 'in battle' right next to each other just doesn't work. Go with either of the two and express the contents of the other in a different way.
Again, you've got the needlessly complicated 'looking to be" thing here, and again your sentence structure is awry. Also, this calls for an important rule of thumb in writing pokémon fanfiction: don't assume that your reader knows what the pokémon look like. Don't just say "it looks like an Electivire" (You misspelled the name, by the way; another big no-no); describe it to us; what does an Electivire look like? But seriously, just lay off "looking to be"; it's a rather bizarre phrase and certainly not something you should be splashing every which way. 'Appears to be' and 'apparently' seem like far more natural choices. The 'bigger' also doesn't work here; comparative forms call for something to compare to. Bigger than what? Its trainer? The battlefield? You haven't specified what it's bigger than. I'd also appreciate a more detailed description of this allegedly "dark and commanding" trainer than just "purple hair". Because really, purple hair isn't enough to make anyone dark and commanding in my book. Why does he look dark and commanding? Explain this judgment by describing the features that support it rather than just lobbing it out there.
There's just so much wrong with that underlined bit. First of, you don't ask 'to' anyone; you just ask. Second, that word order looks like something from Yoda. o.O Seriously, "the child asked his mom" is the way to go. "In quite the angry mood" doesn't really fit either. I mean, you can say something like "He was in quite the angry mood", but you can't use that phrase as a modifier. Just go with an adverb like "the child asked angrily" (Seeing as how he already said 'mom', it's obvious who's receiving the question). Incidentally, 'mom' is a strangely informal term for the narrator to use. In Armon's mouth, sure go ahead, but in the narrator's? Given that you used the rather formal 'child' (as opposed to something like kid) this creates a bit of disruption in the narrative tone. o.O You've also got a random dash here for some reason.
Another random dash. Also, this calls for description; first we're led to believe that Armon is the only person in the room and that the furniture of the room consists of TV, bed, and computer, now we're suddenly faced with a woman and a clock; where did those come from? o.O Also, what does Armon's mom look like? Where is this clock she's pointing at?
"now known as Amon"? That implies that he didn't go by that name until this point (i.e. that his mom named him right there and then); obviously this calls for a replacement. Also, 'lead' is a heavy metal; I think what you wanted to go for 'led' here. You're also making a random tense jump here: that's bad, just pick one tense and stick to it throughout the chapter. I'm personally inclined to recommend past tense, but that's your choice. Just keep it consistent. In other news, 'flame-tipped' and 'turtle-like' should both have hyphens. The descriptions on the Charmander are also not really working right now. I think you could just put a full stop after "in front of him" and then use something like "It was shorter than him, with a flame-tipped tail blah blah blah". Also, 'powerful' and 'amount' don't fit together since...well, what is a powerful amount? The whole concept is nonsensical. xP You are also misusing the word 'being' here. In the capacity you are using it, it would bear the meaning of "the fact of existing; existence (as opposed to nonexistence)", but it's certainly not the right word here. 'Being' can be used for sentences where you're remarking on a generally established (and constant) fact like this one:
But in this case, the correct term would be something like "getting replaced by", or just "soon replaced by". Finally, the term 'holding' seems to imply that the Bulbasaur is somehow holding onto the bulb on its back by means of its back muscles or something. That...should probably just be "a green pokémon with a bulb on its back" or something. o.O
Numbers ten and above should always be written in letters unless it's part of something like a date or a code. Also, "see ya", not "cya". This isn't a chatroom, so type out your words properly.
Wow, talk about parental indifference..."You know, since you're probably not coming around you might as well use this". It's like she's barely interested in the whole thing and the handy-dandy backpack just happened to be around so that he might as well take it along. o.O
Umm...how do you spark a cheek? That should be something like "with sparking cheeks". Besides, no commas needed around "on all fours".
Wow, repetitions galore here. First off, using the same word twice in a row like that is pretty meh (try an alternative form of expression). Also, you already said that he notices who the trainer is once; you really don't need to run it by us again.
Okay, this is the biggest mistake you can make in fanfiction. This is a piece of writing, so anything you want to get described should be described in writing. NEVER insert pictures into your chapters, especially not hyperlinked sprites. Just don't. >_<
We can see where chapter ends without you pointing it out for us, thanks.
Just...so many grammatical errors. @[email protected] Your punctuation is also awry in a number of places, and I'm sure this could all be explained better than I have done. Bottom line is: find a grammar guide. Really, it will do you a world of good as the explanations will most likely be far clearer than what I can do.
But seriously, there's not a single paragraph here that doesn't misuse the English language in one way or the other, it's just that I had to make a sanity check and draw the line at how much I'm going to quote. Learn the meanings of the words you use, learn how sentences should be structured, learn what prepositions go with what and how those expression really look like.
Just...revise your elementary-level English, really. :\ That and stick to a single tense. You seem to have something akin to the beginning of a plot here (though it's kind of hard to tell yet), but what little you have is just buried under this jungle of grammatical errors and awkward word choices and very few will feel like grabbing a machete and hacking through the latter to discover the former.
Grammar Advice is definitely for you, but I'm afraid that it doesn't even come close to covering all the points you seem to have trouble with. Grammar guide and dictionary for the win, honestly. The content related stickies are useful too, but grammar is hands down the biggest issue for you to tackle right now.
...
Someone who's better at grammar than me review this now, please. >_<
Okay then, that puts you at the top of my review list, you lucky person you; feel privileged!
...or despair, pick and choose. ;D
First off, don't be discouraged by your fic ending up in the bin. This means that there are problems with it, yes, but it also means that you will receive special attention from the best reviewers we've got to fix them. Listen to the advice you get and work hard on your fic and it will be out of the bin before you know it. Now, let's gets started, shall we?
Originally Posted by Madina Lake
[ Original Post ]
It is nighttime. The stars and the moon shine on the earth below. In a small neighborhood, all the lights are off in the houses, the street lamps giving light to the streets below. Everything seems peaceful, everyone in the houses at sleep- [U}All but for[/U] one house. The house has a light on, seemingly coming from a room. All are thought to be asleep however, the time being 11:30 PM.
Originally Posted by Example
"Don't worry, boys; they couldn't hit an elephant at this dist-".
Originally Posted by Example (not for copying)
It is nighttime. The stars and the moon shine on the earth below. In a small neighborhood, all the lights are off in the houses, the street lamps giving light to the streets below. Everything seems peaceful, and all the houses have long since gone dark as their inhabitants retire for bed.All except for one.
Originally Posted by Madina Lake
[ Original Post ]
The house has a light on, seemingly coming from a room. All are thought to be asleep however, the time being 11:30 PM.The light comes from a room. Like the average room, it has a TV, a computer, and a bed. The TV is on, and it is seeming to show a Pokemon battle. The sound on the TV is blaring loud, for more effect, and the child inside the room, looking to be about age 13. He is looking to be enjoying himself, as the sounds of the battle consists of shocks, collisions, and explosions. For a moment, the TV shows the trainers in battle in thought, with tired Pokemon in front of them.
...
Just, why are you bothering with that? You can just say "he seems to be"; needless complication is stylistically bad. Also, how come we get to know the boy's age but nothing about his appearance? Why does he look like he's 13 (again, looking to be is a needless complication)? That sentence is also incorrect since you have no predicate for "and the child inside the room". And the child inside the room what? You never answered that bit so your sentence is unfinished. Finally, 'in thought' and 'in battle' right next to each other just doesn't work. Go with either of the two and express the contents of the other in a different way.
Originally Posted by Madina Lake
[ Original Post ]
One trainer has a bigger Pokemon, looking to be an Electevire, and its trainer looking rather dark and commanding, with purple hair. The other, with a smaller Pokemon, and a rather nice looking trainer, with a hat and black, spiky hair. The two Pokemon charge at each other with extreme force, looking to be the final attack due to a huge amount of force in, possibly reserves. And explosion happens from the power collision, and the boy watching the TV anxiously gets up to see the result. "And the winner is.." However, the winner of the match could not be heard, as the TV screen turns black, seeming to have the power cut off. The child looks angrily at the TV, then quickly turns his head to the side, seeing a woman holding a disconnected chord.
Originally Posted by Madina Lake
[ Original Post ]
"Mom! Why did you do that? It was the finish of the fight!"- Asked the child to his mom, in quite the angry mood.
Originally Posted by Madina Lake
[ Original Post ]
"You have watched the battle in that tape at least 50 times today! You already know the result. And look at the time, you know you have a big day ahead of you tomorrow! Get to bed, Armon."- Replied the woman, pointing to the clock once. Once she headed out of the room, she turned the light off.
Originally Posted by Madina Lake
[ Original Post ]
The child, now known as Armon, fell back into his bed once the light turned off. He quickly fell asleep, and began dreaming about the day ahead of him. His dreaming lead to him in a battle field, a Pokemon in front of him shorter than him, with a flame-tipped tail. It fired off a powerful amount of flames from its mouth out into the open. That Pokemon disappeared, being replaced with a turtle-like Pokemon. It released a blast of water out into the area before it. It too disappeared, being replaced with a green Pokemon holding a bulb on its back. This Pokemon's attack consists of leaves attacking out into the distance.
Originally Posted by What to do
Evaluators, being diligent little bastards, tend to point out each and every mistake they find.
Originally Posted by Madina Lake
[ Original Post ]
He looks over into the kitchen, seeing his mother cooking some food, father sitting down reading, and a younger child of 4 or 5 eating some baby food. Armon says, "Cya! Going to go get my Pokemon!". After, he takes a dash for the door.
Originally Posted by Madina Lake
[ Original Post ]
"Seeing as you won't be back for awhile, going out on your Pokemon journey and all... Take this with you." The mother said, handing him a small backpack with proper supplied in it.
Originally Posted by Madina Lake
[ Original Post ]
However, a shock of concentrated lightning blasts at the Pidgey, knocking them backwards and away. A small, mouse like Pokemon dashes up in front of Armon, on all fours, sparking cheeks. It fires off one more blast of lightning to drive the attacking Pidgey away. Armon recognizes the Pokemon right away, as it stands on its hind legs, satisfied of its victory.
Originally Posted by Madina Lake
[ Original Post ]
Armon turns to the trainer, in disappointment, seeing that it already has a trainer. Disappointment turns into a surprising emotion when he sees who the trainer is. The morning sun shimmers over the two, as Armon looks up at the trainer, recognizing who it is.
Originally Posted by Madina Lake
[ Original Post ]
"You're.. You're Ash Ketchum!" Armon says, happily while still on the ground.
Originally Posted by Madina Lake
[ Original Post ]
//Chapter Ended.
Just...so many grammatical errors. @[email protected] Your punctuation is also awry in a number of places, and I'm sure this could all be explained better than I have done. Bottom line is: find a grammar guide. Really, it will do you a world of good as the explanations will most likely be far clearer than what I can do.
But seriously, there's not a single paragraph here that doesn't misuse the English language in one way or the other, it's just that I had to make a sanity check and draw the line at how much I'm going to quote. Learn the meanings of the words you use, learn how sentences should be structured, learn what prepositions go with what and how those expression really look like.
Just...revise your elementary-level English, really. :\ That and stick to a single tense. You seem to have something akin to the beginning of a plot here (though it's kind of hard to tell yet), but what little you have is just buried under this jungle of grammatical errors and awkward word choices and very few will feel like grabbing a machete and hacking through the latter to discover the former.
Grammar Advice is definitely for you, but I'm afraid that it doesn't even come close to covering all the points you seem to have trouble with. Grammar guide and dictionary for the win, honestly. The content related stickies are useful too, but grammar is hands down the biggest issue for you to tackle right now.
...
Someone who's better at grammar than me review this now, please. >_<
Featured Theme: Patchouli Knowledge (Touhou Project)
Provided by and jointed with: Phani
Best viewed together, profile customization still in progress

Scandalous Maido Love Affair and Pair: Phani
Estranged Ex: The RP Section Rules
Sworn Rival For All Eternity and about five minutes beyond: Chibi
Illegitimate Lovechild: Mika
Card-gaming Beta on a Leash: Scarlet
Provided by and jointed with: Phani
Best viewed together, profile customization still in progress

Scandalous Maido Love Affair and Pair: Phani
Estranged Ex: The RP Section Rules
Sworn Rival For All Eternity and about five minutes beyond: Chibi
Illegitimate Lovechild: Mika
Card-gaming Beta on a Leash: Scarlet
Thanks for the review. When I am not ditching school, I shall read the entire post. But it looks to have alot of advice, so thanks for taking the time to point out the flaws.
And lolz, I would never post a Pokemon Fanfic without putting it in the revision bin first myself. I have little to none education, so..
And lolz, I would never post a Pokemon Fanfic without putting it in the revision bin first myself. I have little to none education, so..
RIP Jimmy "The Rev" Sullivan
Feb 10th, 1981 - Dec 28th, 2009
"Jimmy you are forever in our hearts"
And **** you 2009 for taking him from us.
Feb 10th, 1981 - Dec 28th, 2009
"Jimmy you are forever in our hearts"
And **** you 2009 for taking him from us.
Age 35
Female
Blackthorn City. :3
Seen February 5th, 2011
Posted November 1st, 2009
119
posts
18.9
Years
Hope this fanfic works out better than my last two failures >>;;
Hey, if you learned something from them, I wouldn’t call them failures. ^^ But, not having read your previous stories, I’ll leave you to judge that.Anyway. Let’s start with the characters. The chapter’s short and it’s only the beginning of the story, so there isn’t a whole lot I can say, but so far—from what I remember of the beginning episodes—Armon seems like a rip-off of Ash. In fact, I was sure that he was Ash’s kid (because he’s clearly not Ash himself, at least not in name) up until the point that Ash actually appeared (although the one-line mention of Armon’s dad did start to make me suspicious, but I figured I’d give you the benefit of the doubt and believe there was a reason Armon is so much like Ash). He’s got black spiky hair. He dreams the exact same dream that Ash did. His mother comes in to tell him off for watching TV so late, which is exactly what Ash’s mum did. He even wears pretty much the same clothes that Ash started off with—the only differences I could see were the colours.
Personality-wise, there’s nothing there except ‘gotta get a pokémon, gotta get a pokémon’, unless you want to count the implication of a liking for battles—and again, it’s the exact attitude Ash had when he started.
As you can probably guess, the biggest problem here is that so much of Armon’s character mirrors Ash’s, and Ash is, in some ways, a fairly shallow character himself. You’ve got an original character, okay. And they may have been inspired by a canon character. But somewhere along the line you have to make sure that your character is a person in their own right, instead of just being a cheap rip-off of someone else. So maybe Armon’s similar to Ash in the fact that he’s obsessive about pokémon—as in, that’s what inspired Armon’s character. Okay, let’s work with that.
So he’s obsessive about pokémon. In what way? Maybe he has plushies on every surface of his room. Maybe his walls are covered in posters. Maybe all his furniture, bedding, cushions, rugs and so on are all pokémon-orientated—either patterned with pokémon or in pokémon shapes. You don’t necessarily have to portray an obsession for pokémon in the same way it’s portrayed with Ash; in fact portraying it differently will contribute to Armon being a more unique character.
Plus, since clothes reflect personality and a person’s likes and dislikes, I would suggest giving Armon a wardrobe completely his own. Perhaps he wears shorts instead—or if he wears jeans, maybe he likes a dress shirt and jacket instead of the T-shirt and jacket (although I grant you, a cap would look better with a T-shirt—so maybe he doesn’t have the hat either?). And why does he need gloves? Mix and change, and make up something new. Maybe Armon (or his mother) has horrible dress sense and he wears baggy clown pants with a muscle shirt.
Then there’s the show he’s watching. Certainly, it could be a battle, but it could also be a documentary or Professor Oak’s Talk Show or something similar, which would then show exactly what aspect of pokémon Armon’s interested in—which, remember, doesn’t necessarily have to be battling and training (although that does seem to be the most common).
It would also be nice to see some of his thoughts. Right now, you’ve told us some of his reactions to things and showed us a bit about him by having him talk out loud, but it would be really nice to hear some of his thoughts directly. What does he think about the fact that he’s leaving his family? Is he scared, nervous, excited? Does he want to get away from them or is he going to miss them? What are his intentions while he’s training? What does he think of each of the starters and why is he finding it so difficult to choose between them?
Thinking about all of these things would start you on the road to making up your own, unique character.
There isn’t much to say about the characterisation of Armon’s family… because unfortunately there isn’t any. His mum exists as a Delia Ketchum look-alike and a plot device to make sure Armon gets his supplies, while his father and sibling (you don’t even say what gender it is!) exist only as furniture, mentioned in a single sentence.
However, they’re people, so they need more than that, even if they’re never going to appear again. Armon’s leaving for a long time, but none of them really seem to care; his father doesn’t even say goodbye. In terms of plotholes (since I’m already on the subject of characters, I may as well go on with the subject of character-related plotholes) this is a fairly big thing. A lot of people forget about their OCs’ parents or just try to get them out of the way as soon as possible, but realistically the parents would be a big part of their child’s leaving. They could be worried, because he’s going out into the big bad world all on his own. They could be terribly excited, because their son’s growing up and taking on some responsibility. They could be a mixture of the two. Maybe they have advice they want to give him, maybe presents? They could even be disapproving of the fact that he’s going out to waste time with ‘those darned beasts’.
And if they are excited about the fact, wouldn’t they want to be there when he gets his pokémon? Why would they just let him go on his own? Especially since he doesn’t live in Pallet Town, it would be much quicker for them to drive him than for him to ride his bike, which means that he’d get there earlier. Plus, he wouldn’t have to worry about being unprotected on a Route inhabited by pokémon (what kind of parent would let them go out alone and unprotected anyway?). And that means they could take pictures of this momentous occasion!
…but that’s just a possible way of expanding on their characters. ;) Especially since going on a car drive and near-ceremonial event with a four year-old in tow is sure to yield some amusing moments. But as you have it now, even if his sibling doesn’t (and probably wouldn’t) understand where he’s going and why, you’d think that Armon would want to say goodbye, so there is room for characterisation there too—for instance if Armon does get a present of some kind and his sibling decides they want one too. ;)
It’s up in the air, really—you could do a great deal with them, especially if you plan of having them return as characters some time. Even if they never appear again, it would show something of Armon’s background and family life, which would help deepen his character too. The point is, though, that they need to be characters in their own right, as opposed to just being objects which are related to Armon.
In terms of what you’ve got so far of the plot… well, there’s really isn’t much else for me to say aside from the fact that—aside from his meeting with Ash—this chapter pretty much mirrors how Ash started out. Similar to the fact that Armon is an Ash look-alike, you want to avoid copying plots as well. I know a lot of people base stories on the games and such, which means that in some ways their plots are going to have similarities, but you do not want a near mirror-image like you have here. It just doesn’t present the implication that you’ve put a lot of effort into it; plus, well, we’ve already seen Ash go through this, so why would we want to see another random trainer do the same?
Armon’s meeting Ash is fine, so far—I can’t pass judgement on that until I know how the meeting’s going to go—but everything leading up to it should be original and totally your own, and how you portray your characters will help a lot with that. Since they’re going to be complete, unique characters, different things are going to happen and they’re going to act in different ways, which will help with making the beginning of your story unique as well.
I can’t really suggests ways in which to improve the plot, since there’s not much of it yet, it’s really a matter for the author and depends on how you decide to spin your characters, but good luck with that aspect. ;)
The other thing is that I noticed you seem to be combining game mechanics with the anime in terms of travelling. Obviously you got the anime influence, what with Ash appearing and all, but then you’ve got Armon riding along Route 1. Now, I don’t know if it’s called Route 1 in the anime—it’s been a while since I’ve seen the first episodes—but I don’t recall the roads being called anything like that because there are so many of them and they’re a lot bigger than in the games, so it’s always struck me as more of a game thing. Also in the games is the fact that the routes are really short, whereas the anime has a more realistic travel-time; it takes days and weeks to get from city to city. If I recall, although it didn’t really take Ash all that long to make it to Viridian in comparison to other places, I think it was somewhere in the realm of about a day. Plus, he was riding for his life from rabid spearow at the time, and even then, it wasn’t even for the entire Route that he was riding. No matter how desperate Armon is to get his starter, there’s no way he’d be able to ride that fast the whole time, which is another reason why you might want to consider his parents driving him or a similar alternative.
In terms of fluency, the chapter runs a bit fast, but that’s mostly because you’ve dived straight into the action without much character description or development. I think once you flesh out the characters properly, it should correct the problem of speed. As for general, overall flow, it’s kind of off, but that’s mostly because of your language use, which I am going to take a look at now. :3
To be honest, your prose is very… odd. Part of it because of the tense you use (as well as the strange way you structure your sentences, which, if I recall, Alto Ego talked about), which is present tense.
Present tense is when you’re writing things as though they’re happening now—for example, ‘Armon’s mother says’. Past tense is when you’re describing it as having already happened—‘Armon’s mother said’.
Most people tend to automatically think in past tense, which is why it’s usually recommended for new writers to begin writing in that way, because writing in present tense usually takes a little more effort to maintain. I’ve seen a few switches in tense already, so that may be an indication you’d be more comfortable writing in past tense anyway, in which case I recommend you try that next time. ;)
The other thing to do with your language is that you could use more description. Firstly, you should never, ever use a sprite or picture as a way to describe a character. I believe using one in addition to in-text description is allowed, but you should never use it in the place of text, especially not linked in-text like that.
Secondly, you did describe Armon, and you gave the trainers on the tape a brief description (and I know that one of them is Ash, but you never had Armon make that connection, so it doesn’t really count as Ash’s in-text description), which is all good. However, you also need to describe all the other characters too, and the fact that you don’t kind of puts more emphasis on the fact that they’re not important. If they’re not important then they don’t really need much, but they still do need something.
Plus, you need to describe the pokémon too. You’ve got a little bit on Pikachu and the three starters, but you should describe the pidgey as well. It doesn’t necessarily need to be much, because this is a pokémon forum, but you still need to give your readers something to work with; pretend they don’t know what pokémon look like.
You need to describe everything, not just select characters, and that includes scenery and actions. Don’t just tell us that something is happening; show us that it’s happening.
For instance, here:
However, a shock of concentrated lightning blasts at the Pidgey, knocking them backwards and away. A small, mouse like Pokemon dashes up in front of Armon, on all fours, sparking cheeks. It fires off one more blast of lightning to drive the attacking Pidgey away. Armon recognizes the Pokemon right away, as it stands on its hind legs, satisfied of its victory.
This is an example of telling and not showing. You’ve told us that lightning knocks the pidgey away; told us that a mouse-like pokémon has appeared; told us Armon recognises the pokémon (even though a minute ago he had his eyes closed; can he see through his eyelids or something? :P ), you need to describe it as it’s happening. A battle can—and should—be a very exciting scene (although this isn’t exactly a battle, it still needs to convey a sense of excitement) but you need to be able to engage the reader in what’s happening. A simple retelling of events isn’t enough for that.So let’s see how we can improve on it… taking into account the fact that I write primarily in past tense and my previous recommendations, it’ll be in past tense… and my apologies if I mangle Armon’s character at all:
Abruptly the air crackled, lashes of electricity snapping across the field and making Armon’s arms prickle, the boy struggling to breathe through the terrified pound of his heart in his throat. He heard the panicked squawks and flurry of wings as the pidgey tried to avoid the attack, felt the light touch of feathers as they sprayed everywhere… and then there was quiet.
For several long seconds Armon just sat and shook, waiting for the noise to start up again, waiting for something to happen.
Then something poked him and he flinched, raising his head fearfully only to find himself staring into the yellow-furred face of a pikachu, the red circles on its cheeks still sparking slightly.
“Pika!”
Not the best, I’ll admit, but hopefully it gets the point across. :P I couldn’t exactly describe what was happening because Armon closed his eyes (not a part of the quote, I know, but you did say it happened), but he’d still be able to hear what was going on, so it’s not an excuse for not describing it at all, either.For several long seconds Armon just sat and shook, waiting for the noise to start up again, waiting for something to happen.
Then something poked him and he flinched, raising his head fearfully only to find himself staring into the yellow-furred face of a pikachu, the red circles on its cheeks still sparking slightly.
“Pika!”
I’ve also described not just Armon’s reactions to the events, but how it’s affecting him; the fact that he’s struggling to breathe, that he’s shaking, and that he flinched all indicate that he’s pretty scared. Describing such things will add a lot of depth to your character, because you’d be giving them emotion and enabling the reader to connect to them.
Okay, so on to your language use in general. I think one of the biggest problems is that you’re not really certain what’s happening; that is, you’re always using ‘seems to be’ or some variation. Like in this paragraph, with the bolded parts:
The light comes from a room. Like the average room, it has a TV, a computer, and a bed. The TV is on, and it is seeming to show a Pokemon battle. The sound on the TV is blaring loud, for more effect, and the child inside the room, looking to be about age 13. He is looking to be enjoying himself, as the sounds of the battle consists of shocks, collisions, and explosions. For a moment, the TV shows the trainers in battle in thought, with tired Pokemon in front of them.
Don’t say what ‘seems to be’ happening. Say what is happening. Is the TV showing a pokémon battle or not, and how would anyone looking at the screen know it’s a pokémon battle? Is Armon enjoying himself or not, and how would anyone know if they looked at him? So say what’s happening, but also describe how it’s happening, because you can say that Armon’s enjoying himself all you want, but you’re making the readers take your word for it; they want to be able to ‘see’ for themselves. That ties back into the ‘show don’t tell’ thing. :PThe ‘looking to be about age 13’ is highlighted, but it’s not uncommon for authors to generalise about their characters’ ages; mostly I just wanted to point out the awkward way you said it—to say nothing of the repetition. It’s much simpler if you just said ‘he was about thirteen years old’ or something similar.
Alto Ego seems to have covered a lot of the individual language/grammatical errors fairly well… certainly better than I could. XD I think I might’ve repeated some things anyway, but suffice to say that I agree with pretty much everything he’s said. I also agree with his recommendation to go for a grammar guide… it should be easy enough to find an online one using a search engine.
That said, there were a few minor things I wanted to point out…:
the average room, it has a TV, a computer, and a bed.
Why is that an average room? :P I know my room certainly doesn’t have a TV and a computer. In fact the only computer that’s ever in my room is my laptop, and that’s not even any more, seeing as it died on me. And doesn’t it have anything else? Like a desk? Or a wardrobe?
"And the winner is.."
If the sound is getting cut off then I would recommend using a dash rather than ellipses (which is the dots all in a row) but if you want to stick with them anyway you need three of them. ;)
"Which... one..." The boy murmured in his sleep.
With a sentence like this, the ‘the’ should be lowercased, because if you took out the speech marks you’d see it seems like one entire sentence. So, the way I learned it, if you actually say your character is speaking (so-and-so said/murmured/shouted/answered, whatever word you happen to be using) then the word after the speech marks should be lowercase (unless it’s a name). If someone says something and then you go on to a new sentence, then it should be capitalised. For instance:
“I don’t care!” she shouted.
Compared to:
“I’m leaving now.” Scowling, Matthew got to his feet and stamped out the door.
I hope that makes sense. :3And I can’t think of anything else that hasn’t already been said. ^.^;; Sorry I didn’t say more about the grammatical aspect, but I don’t quite have enough experience to be able to analyse it to the depth it needs. Plus I’ve been sitting on this review for quite long enough, so I figured I’d better get it out. ^.^;;
Good luck, though, and I hope I managed to help a little.