Pokemon: Dawn of a legend

Started by J-Rad December 9th, 2007 3:35 PM
  • 7462 views
  • 9 replies

J-Rad

In ur comp h4xing ur interwebz

Age 29
reading a good book
Seen October 31st, 2016
Posted June 24th, 2009
1,187 posts
15.8 Years
yeah im making a fanfic....
[Agelimit] over the age of 13 because of voilence[/agelimit]
Prologe:

Durza stood by his door step. He reached for his pocket for his rusted key. He just couldn't believe he was back home. He had not been home in over ten years; he just wondered how much everything has changed. With his old rusted key in his hand he opened the door. Sitting on a couch with a glameow at her side an old woman turned to him. "Oh my gosh," she said in amazement,” Its you. It’s been more than ten years."
-------
Ash was astounded. He couldn't believe he just defeated the sixth gym leader Bryon. "O.K. guys," Dawn said, "We are stopping in Twinleaf Town right?"

"Yeah,” stated Brock
"Good," Dawn replied," I just can't wait to see my mother again. I mean before we go on that long trip to Snowpoint City."
"Stop chatting so we can get on our way," said the eager Ash Ketchum, “I want to get to Snowpoint city for my next gym battle!"
"Alright then," said Brock, "Lets get started!"

Typhlosion used Solarbeam!
Regirock lost 100% of its health!
Regirock used Rockslide!
Typhlosion lost 101% of its health!
J-Rad's Typhlosion fainted!
Teh_Pie_Knight wins!
This actualy happened to me when battleing my friend...
Shoddy Battle Username: J-Rad
Platinum FC: 1032-7167-9905
Brawl FC: 3780-8949-9239
:t157::t233::t146:

J-Rad

In ur comp h4xing ur interwebz

Age 29
reading a good book
Seen October 31st, 2016
Posted June 24th, 2009
1,187 posts
15.8 Years
Chapter 1:J and Joe

chapter 1:
"You got it J?" said a deep masculine voice.
"Yeah lets get out of here this old mansion gives me the creeps," said a much lighter feminine voice.
"Alright then let’s get back to the base at Eterna City. I can't believe Cyrus called this little pipsqueak of a pokemon legendary." replied the first voice.
---

"So tell me son, what do you plan on doing next," replied the old women, her hair navy blue like her sons. Her face refused to sprout wrinkles like most people her age grew.
"I must redeem myself," Druza replied
"Why?" His mother replied in a concerned tone.
"You know what happened to me in Sinooh right?"
"Yeah."
"Well it happened in every region after that, until Kanto were every thing turned around, I must comeback. This is my last region to claim. I've been waiting so long for this moment." Durza said solemnly.
"But can't you stay? Christmas and your Birthday are just around the corner, and Dawn will be ther-"
He cut her off,” Dawn? I'm not sure I know who you mean"
"That’s right. Oh Durza I'm so sorry I'll tell you right now."
---
"Oh almighty boss we got it." said a masculine voice,” It’s so puny are you sure it’s legendary?"
"It's not legendary Joe; it’s to strengthen your pathetic team. You did use the Dark Ball right?" said the deep voice of team Galactic’s boss Cyrus.
"Yeah I did,” replied Joe
"Good, your next mission is for you and J to capture Mesprit. It dwells in the lake by Twinleaf town for your information."
"I'm on it sir," replied Joe as he left the base.
---
Durza walked out of his house. He just couldn't believe it. Looking towards the city enterence he saw three figures walking past the gate. I bet that's them. I'll just walk by and they'll not notice me, he thought to himself. He just kept walking forward. Getting a better look at the figures he noticed on of them housed a pikachu on his shoulder. The same one also having a hat on with a symbol that reminded him of a pokeball. "Hi,"said the girl of the three whom was also wering a black and blue top with a grey minskirt,"My name is Dawn what's yours?"
"Thats none of your buisness really,"Durza replied coldly
"Well thats no way to talk to someone!" said the figure with the pikachu on his shoulder.
"Quite big mouth,"Durza started to walk away.
"Oh yeah well if you had pokemon I bet I could cream you in a battle. I have six badges."
"Well for your information I do have pokemon and I accept your challenge."
"I'll ne the referee," said the third figure,"My name is brock by the way."
"And I'm Ash,"said the figure with the pikachu.
"Aright Ash which do you prefer: on-on-one, three-on-three, or six-on-six?" Durza said
"Ill try three-on-three. You ready the get crushed?"
"Fine lets get started! Go Typhlosion!" Durza threw a pokeball in the air and a mighty Typhosion emerged. Its back erupted with red and orange flames.
"Staravia I choose you!" Ash threw his pokeball into the air and his gray bird emereged.
"Hmm Typholsion versus Staravia, this will be a good matchup, anything can happen."Brock said
"We could really go without the side-comments please," Durza said obsouly annoyed,"Now tpyhlosion Flametrower!"
Typhlosion's mouth opened and a plethora of searingly hot flames bursted out of it. "Staravia dodge!,"Ash commanded
It was too late the flames ahd already scorched his bird,"Staravia!," Ash's bird cried in pain.
"No Satavia you can do it!" with that Ash's Staravia started to glow. Its body changed form, "Staraptor!" his mighty bird cried.
-
"Awww how sweet it evovled for you,"Durza said sarcastically,"Typhlosion finish it with Hidden Power!"
Typholsion opened its mouth once more. This time a flurry of light blue spheres flew out each one striking its opponent with perfect accuracy. After a few hits Staraptor could fight any longer. Ash's mighty bird fell out of the sky."Staraptor is unable to battle Typhlosion wins!"
"Staraptor no!" Ash said
"Your first lesson kid; Pride comes before the fall. Typhlsion return!" Durza said, half smirking
"Oh yeah we went easy on you. Inferape I choose you!" Ash replied.
"Ursuring it's your turn!" Durza said.
Both pokeballs became airborne at the same time emerging from them were Ash's blazing monkey infernape and Durza's powerful Ursuring. Ash noticed a weird necklace on Ursuring. It looked like a sting with a purple orb attached to it."Wow," Ash said,"What is that?"
"You'll find out soon enough."
---
"Hey J!" Joe yelled.
"Yeah, what?" J replied
"The boss gave us another mission. We have to capture Mesprit now. He said it lived in a lake by Twinleaf town or something"
"Alright lets go. Salamence can take us."J replied,"Alright Salamence come out!"
"Salamence!" Theblue dragon cried awaiting its order.
"Salamence we need you to take us to Twinleaf town."
"Mence," the dragon replied with a nod.
"Lets go then!" said an eager Joe, Now I get to test out that new pokemon the boss let me keep Joe thought to himself.
---
"The battle is Infernape versus Ursuring. Begin!"said Brock
"This is going to be way too easy! Infernape go close combat!"
On Durza's face grew a big smile, "Protect!"
Inferape launch forward ready to pound its opponenant with its powerful fist. Ursuring threw its arms in fromt of its face. Just then a huge green barrier protected the bear from any harm."Inferape stop your attack!"
I was too late Infernape was rapidly punching and kicking the barrier, but wasn't even able to scratch it. Just then the purple orb in Ursuring's necklace stared to glow. Ursuring's face just winced like it was just poisoned. "You sicken me!" Ash yelled,"Why would you poison your pokemon?"
"To maxamize their strength. Ursuring mega punch!"
Ursuring curled its hand into a fist. The fist then lit up. The bear delivered its blow,"Ursuring!" It cried.
"Infernape dodge it!" Ash commanded.
But Ash's infernape didn't do a thing. It just stood their gapin at the might force that it was facing. In a mere second (that felt like minutes) Ursuring delivered a mighty punch that totaly knocked Infernape out."Infernape is unable to battle! Ursuring is the winner!"
"NO!" Ash yelled
Then a not-so-distant boom was heard and smoke could be seen coming from the lake.
"Uh-oh,"Durza said,"This could be a problem" Durza ran off to check the mess.
"Hey get back here!" Ash yelled and started to chase after him.
"C'mon Brock!"Dawn said as she started chasing Ash and Durza.
---
Durza ran as fast as he could. He had to find out were the explosion came from. Around a minute later he arrived at a small lake."Lake Verity,"he said to himself.
Ash, Dawn, and Brock aught up with him, "Hey why did you just run aw- Hunter J?!?!?!?!?"
Riding on top of a Salamence was a women. She had gray hair and wore a drak red shirt and black pants. On her right arm was some type of gauntlet. Behind her stood a bald burly man wearing a red vest and a pair of blue jeans. "And I'm Joe. If you little kiddies could please move out of the way so we can commence with our ev-"
J elbowed him in the stomach, "You moron, you know we are not supposed to reveal our plan." She wispered.
"I don't know what your up to," Durza started, "But I will stop you. Salamence Fire Blast!"
Durza threw a pokeball in the air and a brillaintly green Salamence searing hot flames erupted out of his mouth and formed the shape of a star."Wow its green!" Dawn said in amazement.
"I don't think so,"said Joe, "Rotom thuder!"
Out of Joe's black pokeball emerged a Rotom. The little pokeball unleased a wicked thuderbolt that clashed with Durza's salamence's flames. Smoke quickly enveloped the battle field. "Prinplup defog!"said Dawn
There was a flash and all the smoke dissipated. Dawn grinned,"Bubblebeam!"
Prinplup opened its beak as a plethora of bubbles flew out."How sad," Joe sarcasticly sad,"Thunder again!"
Rotom delivered another thunderbolt that stuck Prinplup with great force," Your too weak," Said Durza,"Let me handle this. Salamence go Draco Meteor!"
The emerald Salamence began to glow. IT unleased an ear spliting cry,"Salamence!"
J turned around and to her amazement a storm of meteors fell out of the sky,"Take cover!"Durza said,"Ursuring protect!"
Once again Durza's might bear emerged. "Every one crowd by Ursuring!"
Dawn, Brock, Ash and Durza crowded around the enormous bear just in time. The barriar went up as the meteors hit the ground each one creating a massive explosion and crater. In about a minute the storm subsided, but J and Joe were no were to be found.
---
"So what are we goning to do," said J," We can't go back to the boss without Mesprit he'll have are heads."
"I don't know J," said a depressed Joe, "I don't know"
---
Durza, Ash, Dawn, and Brock just stood in amazement. They couldn't believe what just happen. Durza frowned and then sighed. I indefinatly knew the truth."When you battled Dawn," he started,"You reminded me a little bit of me when I started my jouney."
"And whats that soposed to mean?" Dawn asked
"It means," Durza paused for a while,"I means that I now definatly know that you are indeed my sister."

Typhlosion used Solarbeam!
Regirock lost 100% of its health!
Regirock used Rockslide!
Typhlosion lost 101% of its health!
J-Rad's Typhlosion fainted!
Teh_Pie_Knight wins!
This actualy happened to me when battleing my friend...
Shoddy Battle Username: J-Rad
Platinum FC: 1032-7167-9905
Brawl FC: 3780-8949-9239
:t157::t233::t146:
Age 36
Seen 15 Hours Ago
Posted 2 Days Ago
Your chapters need to be longer. Though there are authors out there who have short chapters, their chapters pack so much into them that it would be too much for them to have long chapters. You, however, need much more in your prologue than a few lines. Like, explain who Durza is and where he had been for ten years, or more about the old woman.

You have so much going on in chapter one that I got confused. You have something happening in the first third of the chapter that's different from the second third that's different from the last portion. Slow down a bit and describe a bit more so readers can get more of a handle on what's going on.

Is not touching the appearance of the twerps with a ten-foot pole.

Eh...I'm kind of iffy on tossing this so quickly in the Revision Bin. But the grammar mistakes and lack of description kind of seal the deal for me.

Avatar credit: Fairy

J-Rad

In ur comp h4xing ur interwebz

Age 29
reading a good book
Seen October 31st, 2016
Posted June 24th, 2009
1,187 posts
15.8 Years
Your chapters need to be longer. Though there are authors out there who have short chapters, their chapters pack so much into them that it would be too much for them to have long chapters. You, however, need much more in your prologue than a few lines. Like, explain who Durza is and where he had been for ten years, or more about the old woman.

You have so much going on in chapter one that I got confused. You have something happening in the first third of the chapter that's different from the second third that's different from the last portion. Slow down a bit and describe a bit more so readers can get more of a handle on what's going on.

Is not touching the appearance of the twerps with a ten-foot pole.

Eh...I'm kind of iffy on tossing this so quickly in the Revision Bin. But the grammar mistakes and lack of description kind of seal the deal for me.
k first regarding chapter length that isn't all of chapter one, since i'm a slow typer im working in sections for now, when done w/ each chapter i will compile all the sections to one decently sized chapter, also regarding chapter one the first third and the last third are connected, it will probably be more clear as teh chapter progresses, i'll do better with desription, I am trying to keep Durza more of a mysterious character, the ten years will be explained though. i can't belive ther are that many mistakes i spell check it w/ my version of word(it also has grammer check)so yeah next part of chapter 1 is coming, but i can't type right now.

Typhlosion used Solarbeam!
Regirock lost 100% of its health!
Regirock used Rockslide!
Typhlosion lost 101% of its health!
J-Rad's Typhlosion fainted!
Teh_Pie_Knight wins!
This actualy happened to me when battleing my friend...
Shoddy Battle Username: J-Rad
Platinum FC: 1032-7167-9905
Brawl FC: 3780-8949-9239
:t157::t233::t146:

JX Valentine

Your aquatic overlord

Female
Harassing Bill
Seen August 19th, 2020
Posted December 8th, 2012
3,276 posts
19 Years
k first regarding chapter length that isn't all of chapter one, since i'm a slow typer im working in sections for now,
Wait, are you actually writing your installments on PC? Because that's actually a really bad idea for exactly the reason (and a few others) you've stated. You should write your installments (chapters, et cetera) on a word processor such as Microsoft Word/Works or any equivalent. That way, you get the following advantages:

1. Less pressure. Rather than post a thread whenever you find you don't have enough time, you can simply save on the word processor and keep your work private until you're ready to upload it. That way, you won't have to deal with incomplete chapters or sub-par work.

2. The ability to spell check. Makes proofreading easier.

3. A handy thesaurus on most word processors. While this would be more likely to spawn purple prose, it's also a handy tool if you know there's a certain word you want to use but can't think of it.

4. Search feature, making it easier to find parts of your story in case you want to go back and edit only a certain line.

5. More space, so you don't have to see your work in a cramped area.

6. The ability to send the document to a beta reader for proofreading without ruining the format or posting it online, thereby keeping your privacy until you're ready.

7. Numerous other tools for writers to use. (Edit: Although I'd recommend that grammar check not be one of them. It's not unusual for it to highlight correct sentences as errors, which makes it fairly unreliable.)

That said, there's really no reason why you should be so rushed and use the "I'm a slow typist" excuse. If you use a word processor and save in an offline document whenever you feel the need to get up for long periods of time, your writing will most certainly possess a higher quality than what you have now because you're taking your time and using the tools technology gives you.

If, however, you're trying to break up one arc into different sections intentionally (a la Act, Farla, et al), you'll still need to lengthen your chapters and add in more chapter content.

But I'll leave a full review later, possibly after you post up the next chapter. Mostly, the purpose of this post was to tell you that you didn't have to write on PC -- and that you probably shouldn't.
Professional ninja. May or may not actually be back. Here for the snark and banter at most.

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J-Rad

In ur comp h4xing ur interwebz

Age 29
reading a good book
Seen October 31st, 2016
Posted June 24th, 2009
1,187 posts
15.8 Years
Wait, are you actually writing your installments on PC? Because that's actually a really bad idea for exactly the reason (and a few others) you've stated. You should write your installments (chapters, et cetera) on a word processor such as Microsoft Word/Works or any equivalent. That way, you get the following advantages:

1. Less pressure. Rather than post a thread whenever you find you don't have enough time, you can simply save on the word processor and keep your work private until you're ready to upload it. That way, you won't have to deal with incomplete chapters or sub-par work.

2. The ability to spell check. Makes proofreading easier.

3. A handy thesaurus on most word processors. While this would be more likely to spawn purple prose, it's also a handy tool if you know there's a certain word you want to use but can't think of it.

4. Search feature, making it easier to find parts of your story in case you want to go back and edit only a certain line.

5. More space, so you don't have to see your work in a cramped area.

6. The ability to send the document to a beta reader for proofreading without ruining the format or posting it online, thereby keeping your privacy until you're ready.

7. Numerous other tools for writers to use. (Edit: Although I'd recommend that grammar check not be one of them. It's not unusual for it to highlight correct sentences as errors, which makes it fairly unreliable.)

That said, there's really no reason why you should be so rushed and use the "I'm a slow typist" excuse. If you use a word processor and save in an offline document whenever you feel the need to get up for long periods of time, your writing will most certainly possess a higher quality than what you have now because you're taking your time and using the tools technology gives you.

If, however, you're trying to break up one arc into different sections intentionally (a la Act, Farla, et al), you'll still need to lengthen your chapters and add in more chapter content.

But I'll leave a full review later, possibly after you post up the next chapter. Mostly, the purpose of this post was to tell you that you didn't have to write on PC -- and that you probably shouldn't.
k i got that I finished chapter 1 BTW, if it needs more I can still add more to it...

chapter 2 is done and also does any1 find it a little hard to read should I leave a space between each paragraph so it doesn't look so condensed.

Typhlosion used Solarbeam!
Regirock lost 100% of its health!
Regirock used Rockslide!
Typhlosion lost 101% of its health!
J-Rad's Typhlosion fainted!
Teh_Pie_Knight wins!
This actualy happened to me when battleing my friend...
Shoddy Battle Username: J-Rad
Platinum FC: 1032-7167-9905
Brawl FC: 3780-8949-9239
:t157::t233::t146:

J-Rad

In ur comp h4xing ur interwebz

Age 29
reading a good book
Seen October 31st, 2016
Posted June 24th, 2009
1,187 posts
15.8 Years
Chapter 2: A new threat



"You're obviously lying.” The skeptical dawn said.
"I'm not and that is something I ca guarantee."
"But your so and I'm so, Ugh this is hopeless. If you are my brother then why did mom not tell me about you?"
"Because she wanted to keep it a secret I don't know."
"There is only one way to settle this,” Ash said.
---
"You failures!” Cyrus said in rage,” I ask you to do one thing and you fail me. I even gave you a powerful pokemon too!"
"But but Boss," Joe started, "There was a guy and he had a weird Salamence and-"
He was cut off,” Wait did you say weird Salamence?' Cyrus said
"Yeah it was green," said Joe
"Dang it!" Cyrus pounded his fist on the table next to him, "That punk ruined my plan once and he's not going to ruin it again!"
A grin came across Cyrus's face, "Alone we can't beat him but..."
The grin grew a lot larger.
---
"Yes its true," said Durza's mother to Dawn.
"But we are like complete opposites!" Dawn said in doubt of her mother's statement.
"Then what have you been doing the past ten years?" Ash asked.
"Well," Durza started,” It all started in Sinooh. I applied to the Sinooh league like any other trainer, but an organization called team Galactic was up to no good. They had this weird plot about using the powers of Dailga and Palkia to create a peaceful universe. In an epic battle I overthrew them. I won't get into depth on the battle yet since we got a lot more to cover. So anyway I beat them and I was known as a hero. My face in the news and everything and that was only when I had seven badges. I got my eighth badge and I was set. The only thing in my way was the Sinooh Pokemon league. Well they started this weird rule that was to enter the Sinooh league you had to defeat the Champion league first. You know with the Elite Four. Well I crushed them hands down. I was so proud of myself I thought I was the greatest trainer in the World. Three others managed to accomplish the same thing as me. One named Cynthia another Buck and the third was a cool kid named Kenta from the Jhoto region. My battle was against Kenta. He eventually lost in the finals to Cynthia who become the champion but that's not the point. I was defeated so easily it humiliated me so. I came from the hero of Sinooh to the kid everyone laughed at. I was so humiliated that I swore I would become the greatest trainer in the world. I started over in every region and the same exact thing happened. Only with different teams like team Aqua and Magma. I fought Giovanni of Team Rocket and won, and thus in Kanto I even won the league. Region by region I won. This took around seven years. I was still shaky about coming back to Sinooh so I confronted my favorite Frontier Brain Spenser and he tutored me for the next three years. Now my training is complete and I will win this League and I was certain until the events of today. Joe is part of team Galactic and I know they're rising to power once more. I must do everything in my power to stop them, but I fear they are stronger then they seem."
---
"Welcome Maxie, Archie, and Giovanni." They all wore nice suits each suited to their character. Giovanni wore a nice business suit with a black tie. Archie wore a blue suit and wore a blue bandana with the team aqua enigma and a blue tie. Maxie wore a red suit and a red tie to go with his nataruraly red hair. "You'll know the propose of this meaning once it gets underway," Galactic boss Cyrus began," We all face a common enemy. His name is Durza."
"Ya got 'dat right har har har," said Archie in his naturally piratical tone.
"Can we please get back on track people!?!" Cyrus yelled he cleared his voice,” Anyway alone he crushed us one-by-one, but is still crushed by the average trainer. So my plan is that we ban together teams Aqua, Magma, Rocket and Galactic and defeat Durza and create a new world order!"
"Oh I know," Archie started all the other heads were on him,” We’ll call it team Aquga galacket! har har har!"
Giovanni rolled his eyes,” That comment was uncalled for stop wasting time! Anyway he has improved greatly he conquered to Kanto and Jhoto league."
"Not to mention the Hoen league," added Maxie.
"Ha which is why we use our advantage of each region to our advantage? Each of us will search our respective region, Maxie will cover Jhoto so everyone has the same amount of work and capture each legendary pokemon in each region and we will be unstoppable!"
"Go team Aquga Galacket!! Har har har," said Archie
"Would you, CUT THAT OUT!" Cyrus yelled.
---
"I'll help you Durza!" Ash said.
"No you are much too weak...unless." Durza replied.
"Yes, yes," Ash said eagerly.
"Unless you are willing to give up the Sinooh League if this venture takes that much time." said Durza, "And to make sure your pokemon are ready for it-"
"I'll go no matter how high the stakes are." Ash said
"O.K" said Durza.
He reached into his backpack and pulled out a piece of candy.” What does that do?" Asked Dawn.
"I'll show you. Dawn summon your Prinplup."
"K, Prinplup spotlight!"
The medium sized penguin emerged from its quarters. Durza unwrapped the candy and fed it to Prinplup. Then Dawn's Prinplup started top glow. Its body grew much larger and sturdier. Emerging from its beak was a trident that sat on top of its face. "Empoleon!" It screeched.
"Wow!" said Ash in amazement,” The candy makes pokemon evolve"
"well sort of," replied Durza," These are called rare candies and they boos the strength of a pokemon. If the pokemon is ready it will evolve."
"That is awesome!" Ash said,"Me next me next! Grotle, Buizel c'mon out!"
Ash threw two pokeballs in the air. A turtle covered in moss and a funny looking otter weasel thing came out."Ha ha NO!” said Durza
"Why not?" Asked Ash
"Because you have better pokemon I know you do. You may choose one of your two to level up." Durza replied
"Alright I say Grotle. Return Buizel!" Ash said as Buizel returned to its pokeball.
Durza fed Grotle a candy. It started to glow and grow into an enormous size. A huge tree branched out of its back, "Toterra!" It cried.
"Alright!" Ash said in excitement.
"Ash," Durza started,” This will be a very hard and long journey and I have something to give to you as well as Dawn."
Durza pulled two pokeballs out of his backpack,” This one is for you Ash. Its power will help you in a pinch. This one is for you Dawn lets its power and grace aid you on this journey and contests and you are welcome to leave us if you want to continue your contest career."
"I will go said Dawn," and accepted the pokeball.
"I'm with you all the way!" said Ash eagerly as he eagerly snatched the pokeball out of Durza's hand.
"And will you come Brock?" Durza asked
"I'll go back to Kanto and see if I can get any gym leaders to help," replied Brock solemnly.
"Then let’s get started!" Said Ash.

Typhlosion used Solarbeam!
Regirock lost 100% of its health!
Regirock used Rockslide!
Typhlosion lost 101% of its health!
J-Rad's Typhlosion fainted!
Teh_Pie_Knight wins!
This actualy happened to me when battleing my friend...
Shoddy Battle Username: J-Rad
Platinum FC: 1032-7167-9905
Brawl FC: 3780-8949-9239
:t157::t233::t146:
Age 36
Seen 15 Hours Ago
Posted 2 Days Ago
chapter 2 is done and also does any1 find it a little hard to read should I leave a space between each paragraph so it doesn't look so condensed.
You shouldn't ask about leaving a space between paragraphs. You should just do it. Some reviewers, like myself, don't want to read stories that are all squashed together. So just add a space to make it easier to read.

Eh, I glanced over this, and the grammar still needs help. I would suggest reading this thread to help out with some problems that you have. Then the corrections I have to show you can be cut down.

"You're obviously lying.” The skeptical dawn said.
"Dawn" is the name of someone. You always capitalize proper nouns, like the names of people/animals/Pokemon.

"I'm not and that is something I ca guarantee."
"Can"? "Can't"? Check over your story before you post to catch typos like this.

"But your so and I'm so, Ugh this is hopeless. If you are my brother then why did mom not tell me about you?"
Wrong "you're". "You're" is the contraction of "you are", and that's the one that you want. ("Your" is possessive.) "Mom" is capitalized since it's the woman's name to her children. And the first part of the sentence doesn't make much sense, especially since you have "ugh" randomly capitalized. It would work better like this: "'But you're so...and I'm so... Ugh! This is hopeless!'"

"Because she wanted to keep it a secret I don't know."
Perhaps this would work better as two sentences. Since Dawn doesn't know the reason, and the first one is only a guess. So a full stop after "secret".

As a random general note: The region is spelled "Sinnoh".

I'll end the grammar review here. There's more to be covered, however.

Another thing that you need more of is description. Every paragraph has some dialogue in it. Where's the narration? You should slow down a bit and describe more of the setting and how the characters feel in the situation. Don't just rely on dialogue to move the story along.

Good luck.

Avatar credit: Fairy