Faith Only Goes So Far (Humor, One-shot)

Started by JX Valentine December 14th, 2007 6:51 PM
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JX Valentine

Your aquatic overlord

Female
Harassing Bill
Seen August 19th, 2020
Posted December 8th, 2012
3,276 posts
19 Years
Author's Note: Done for the LiveJournal prompt community, 50Passages. The prompt was, "The dark water boiled, and there was a hideous stench."

And yes, those be canon characters there.



It was late afternoon when Celio came into the cabin's living room. Lanette sat in one of the chairs, and in her lap was a notebook filled with the day's notes. As he cast a curious glance towards her, Celio sat across from her.

Without looking away from her notes, Lanette greeted him. "Dinner should be ready in a half hour, Celio."

He raised an eyebrow. "Oh? Who's in the kitchen?"

"Celio," Lanette said with a smile, "you know there's only the three of us."

Both eyebrows went up. "Bill's cooking?"

Lanette looked at him. "Yes. You sound surprised."

Celio gripped the armrests of the chair. "Um, well… Lanette, you know he can't cook, right?"

She tilted her head. "He volunteered."

"Oh no," Celio said as he covered his eyes. "That means he's experimenting."

Lanette frowned. "What's wrong with that?"

Her companion sighed. "You've never had Bill cook for you, have you?"

She shrugged. "It's odd, Celio. Usually, you're more supportive of whatever Bill does."

"You really have never had Bill cook for you, have you?"

Lanette huffed and went back to her notes. "I don't see what the problem is. I'm sure that whatever he cooks will be fine. Besides, he's cooking curry. What can possibly go wrong with curry?"

Celio opened his mouth to respond, but luckily, his answer came bounding from the kitchen, through the living room, and towards the front door. Dashing with more speed than he knew he had, Bill held the cooking pot at arm's length. Even off the burner, the dark water in it boiled, and there was a hideous stench billowing from its surface. As Lanette looked up to watch him, he yanked open the door and rushed outside to dump the failed stew somewhere in the forest. Celio gave Lanette a knowing glance as she stared open-mouthed at the door. A few moments later, Bill wearily walked back inside with the empty pot hanging at his side.

"Chinese takeout," he said with a sigh. "I'll pay."

Neither of his colleagues argued.
Professional ninja. May or may not actually be back. Here for the snark and banter at most.

Need some light reading?
Anima Ex Machina (Chapter 20 now available)
The Leaf Green Incident (SWC 2012 winner)
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Age 35
Female
Blackthorn City. :3
Seen February 5th, 2011
Posted November 1st, 2009
119 posts
18.9 Years
...would it be wrong of me to say that I love you? ^.^;;

Canon characters. More, canon characters without any romance involved. MORE, they're supporting canon characters and not Ash etc. And if that weren't enough, it's Bill!

<3.

...okay, down to business. ^.^;;

I love scenes like this, I really do, so that's even more of a bonus. I can easily imagine Bill being a bad cook, and even though you don't really see much of Lanette in canon, I think you've got her down really well. ^^ Then again, maybe I just haven't read far enough of the manga/seen enough of the anime.

One thing that got me wondering (although if this is a spin-off of Midsummer then it's understandable) is that there was no background as to where they were and why. Since they're all in different places in canon, it confused me a little as to why they were all together and made me want to know more. ^.^;; Yeah, I know, it's not the point of the story... but maybe a brief reflection from Celio as he came into the cabin, telling what happened during the day and why they're in that position.

Plus, the way you begin--with Celio coming in--makes it feel like you just picked the scene out of a pre-written story. He's coming into the cabin--okay, where did he come from and why? It left me feeling a little out of context, as though there's more going on that I haven't been told.

The other thing that got me was your lack of description. I know it can be a style and a literary tool, but to be honest, it really threw me off by the fact that you have... well, none. I know what all the characters look like, but even brief descriptions would've been nice--just a one-off mention that Lanette is brunette (she is brunette, right? It's been a while since I played RSE) or that Celio has glasses or something. I mean, I could so imagine Bill's hair getting in his eyes when he was trying to race through the cabin, and both Lanette and Bill are known for being messy (just look at their houses!) so you'd think the room would be horrible (unless Celio's a neat freak and has taken things in hand :P ) but there's no description of that kind. It left me feeling like there was something missing, that there's just the bare-bones and nothing to fill it in. Like one of those 'colour me' pictures you can print off the 'Net, before it's been coloured.

Little nitpicks:

As he cast a curious glance towards her, Celio sat across from her.
Repetition of 'her', so I think you could restructure the sentence. Maybe something along the lines of, 'Celio sat across from her, casting her a curious glance.'

...which still repeats 'her' but at least it's not in the exact same way. ^.^;; Uhm, yeah.

Her companion sighed. "You've never had Bill cook for you, have you?"

She shrugged. "It's odd, Celio. Usually, you're more supportive of whatever Bill does."
The bolded part got me here. Because she's shrugging and then saying it, it seems like she's about to talk about something they found in their research or something. If she's shrugging in response to Celio's question and then addressing the fact that he's acting strangely, which are two different processes, then you should probably have something to separate them, otherwise the reader'll assume they're connected. Or I did, at least. ^.^;;

As Lanette looked up to watch him, he yanked open the door and rushed outside to dump the failed stew somewhere in the forest. Celio gave Lanette a knowing glance as she stared open-mouthed at the door.
You have a repeat of 'as' and a repeat of 'door', here, and I dunno, they just jarred me.

So yeah, overall, I loved it, and if Midsummer is anything like this then I'm there. ^^

JX Valentine

Your aquatic overlord

Female
Harassing Bill
Seen August 19th, 2020
Posted December 8th, 2012
3,276 posts
19 Years
...would it be wrong of me to say that I love you? ^.^;;
I'm single, so go right ahead. XD *is bricked*

Anyway, thanks for the review. Repetition tends to be my weak point, so I don't really notice that I'm doing it sometimes. So, yeah, thanks for pointing those out. o_o

One thing that got me wondering (although if this is a spin-off of Midsummer then it's understandable) is that there was no background as to where they were and why. Since they're all in different places in canon, it confused me a little as to why they were all together and made me want to know more. ^.^;; Yeah, I know, it's not the point of the story... but maybe a brief reflection from Celio as he came into the cabin, telling what happened during the day and why they're in that position.
It's not a spin-off, so now that I look at it, I see where you're coming from. Maybe a paragraph at the beginning might rectify that. I'll play around with it and see what I come up with. (Same thing with the description as well. It's weird how I don't notice these things until someone points it out to me, but I completely understand how it might seem dry without something added to it. Thanks!)
Professional ninja. May or may not actually be back. Here for the snark and banter at most.

Need some light reading?
Anima Ex Machina (Chapter 20 now available)
The Leaf Green Incident (SWC 2012 winner)
Braid (Creepypasta apparently)
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