• 1107 views
  • 7 replies
sinnoh hunting shinies
Seen July 11th, 2009
Posted June 24th, 2009
196 posts
15.5 Years
prologue-IT BEGINS
(themesong starts)
fossil fossil
poke poke
mon mon
fossil fossil
pokemon
pokemon are the greatest of the world but can be defeated by large
numbers of all pokemon but mainly the legends are called in for the
attack on the fossils that attack
(end song)
It was ten year ago that the fossils first attacked. Rayquaza was defeated but a mysterious pokemon saved the world thus sacrificing itsself. I fear that what happened isnt over.
Sorry about my epilogue being short but it is the story behind the story
http://s1.bite-fight.us/c.php?uid=71243 where you can be werewolf or vampire.
sinnoh hunting shinies
Seen July 11th, 2009
Posted June 24th, 2009
196 posts
15.5 Years
This doesn't really make much sense and it seems to be more like a theme tune than a preview.
uh i wrote the preview in the lounge ok?

chapter1-The New Beginning
65 million years ago a mysterious legend known as velocidon was roaming the land but before it couild lock onto its last mission it died and was turned into a fossil.
uh writers block alert
http://s1.bite-fight.us/c.php?uid=71243 where you can be werewolf or vampire.

JX Valentine

Your aquatic overlord

Female
Harassing Bill
Seen August 19th, 2020
Posted December 8th, 2012
3,276 posts
19 Years
65 million years ago a mysterious legend known as velocidon was roaming the land but before it couild lock onto its last mission it died and was turned into a fossil.
Okay, first off, one line does not a chapter make. Unless you're Steven King. And Steven King supposedly did it on speed. (As in, the kind you have to buy and ingest.) Or maybe that was another novel.

Anyway, you're missing a couple of commas. The first goes after "ago," as this is an introduction clause that's more than four words long. So, you'll need it to separate that part of the sentence from the rest.

The second comma goes after "land" because this is a compound sentence, or a sentence in which a couple of clauses that could be full sentences are put together by a conjunction (and, but, for, nor, or, yet, so). To see what I mean, cover up the last part of the sentence (the part after "but") and read the first part aloud. See how it's a sentence on its own? Now, cover up the first part (the part before "but") and read the last part aloud. Another sentence. So, what you need to do to show that they're two independent clauses (i.e. clauses that could be their own sentences), you need a comma before the conjunction (in this case, "but").

Additionally, you misspelled "could."

As for the story... there really isn't one. As I said before, one line does not a chapter make unless you're Steven King on drugs. And even then, it's usually for extreme emphasis of a really important part between two longer chapters. Right now, as a reader, I'm not really caught by your story. I have nothing to go on to want to continue. Just a dangling line.

Additionally, I'm not sure what you mean by "lock on to his last mission." O_o Do you mean before he could go on his last mission? Before he could receive orders for his last mission? Who would employ a fossil Pokemon, anyway? And even then, how did he turn into a fossil? As in, how did he die? Additionally, what was his last mission? All of those are ideas on where to take your chapter from there, so you should really sit down and think about where you want to go, rather than post just what you have right then.

Speaking of which...

uh writers block alert
If you're typing this in the reply box of PC, don't. You should really try writing on a word processor such as Microsoft Word or Works or an equivalent. The reason why is because that way, you can save your work without having to post an incomplete chapter. That way, we only read a complete installment, rather than something that you feel isn't your best work.

Additionally, saving on a word processor gives you the following advantages:

1. More time. You're not as rushed to get a chapter up because no one can see it. Hence, no one really expects you to get a new chapter up right away, and you can get away with spending a bit more time writing and proofreading.
2. The ability to spell check. That way, you can catch misspellings that you wouldn't catch in the new thread box.
3. Search feature, for finding points in longer works that you want to change.
4. The ability to send a document to a beta without posting it online.

And numerous other neat features that are there for writers. (Don't use Microsoft Word's grammar checker, though. It's practically useless.) So, don't write your story on PC. Do it on a word processor and then copy and paste it to PC.

Overall, it's hard to judge this work because it's only one line long. (I only glanced over the prologue because I felt a bit confused over who was speaking and how fossils -- normally petrified dead organisms -- can attack. Maybe fossil Pokemon, but not fossils themselves.) The concept has potential, but otherwise, I'll need to see more content to be able to properly judge.
Professional ninja. May or may not actually be back. Here for the snark and banter at most.

Need some light reading?
Anima Ex Machina (Chapter 20 now available)
The Leaf Green Incident (SWC 2012 winner)
Braid (Creepypasta apparently)
Domain | Dreamwidth | Twitter
Age 36
Seen 14 Hours Ago
Posted 2 Days Ago
Technically, he did post the entire prologue. It's just really really short. But it's there.

It was ten year ago that the fossils first attacked. Rayquaza was defeated but a mysterious pokemon saved the world thus sacrificing itsself. I fear that what happened isnt over.
There it is. Beginning and end. There should be more to it, but it is complete.

And may I just casually mention that you admitted to not having your first chapter completed? When that happens, it gets closed. Even if the fic is really short, if it's complete, it stays open.

Eh, I would review this, but Jax covered everything I would have said. So if I can leap onto the next chapter first, I'll review.

Avatar credit: Fairy
Age 37
Seen December 16th, 2007
Posted December 16th, 2007
6 posts
15.4 Years
Ok im sorry about this lvl99rayquaza your not a bad person, but the manner in which you posted your story and why for some reason my story at first is locked just gets to me, i'm not seeing your story as anything complete and find it rushed and full of disorganization.

To get my point across to Hanako Tabris i'll post here being I need to compare to your story, again nothing personal but your story is just being used for an example.

Ok Hanako Tabris, you locked my story because I posted that the 1st chapter wasnt finished, but I said i'll be back to finish it.

And may I just casually mention that you admitted to not having your first chapter completed?

chapter1-The New Beginning
65 million years ago a mysterious legend known as velocidon was roaming the land but before it couild lock onto its last mission it died and was turned into a fossil.
uh writers block alert

Ok here's my beef. That chapter not only is one sentence, but
lvl99rayquaza admitted to have writers block and didnt post the FULL chapter, sound familiar, so why does he do the same thing as me yet didnt need to PM you when it was fully written and get his story locked? It's not even a short story it cant be that short it should be in the revision bin IMO.

And i'll quote
Jax Malcolm "As for the story... there really isn't one. As I said before, one line does not make a chapter unless you're Steven King on drugs."

He doesnt even say it's a full chapter, I say lock it until the FULL chapter is completed, it's not a story.
Technically, he did post the entire prologue. It's just really really short. But it's there.
Too short if you ask me.

In the rules: If your topic lacks an actual write in it, it will be considered pointless and therefore will be closed.
One sentence is point
less as a story, that it why more should have been added and until then it should be locked.

AND, there isnt even a rating.....


I wrote more than that before you locked it.

I say write the full chapter 1 and make Prologue longer and more organized then theres nothing wrong with the story, I think it can be good once more is added. But even I find the Prologue confusing. Who is singing the song, a pokemon or person? Who's telling the story?