Pokemon - The Legend of Araika

Started by altemon December 17th, 2007 7:35 PM
  • 858 views
  • 4 replies

altemon

The Creator of All Existence

Seen January 5th, 2011
Posted October 19th, 2009
20 posts
15.4 Years
Here is the first chapter of my new Pokemon fanfic.



“Get up, Kat!” A voice broke the silence. “You’ve got school!”
“Ugh.” I mumbled sleepily, turning over in my bed. “It’s Thursday. We’ve got a late start. School doesn’t start until ten.”
“Oh, sorry Kat.” apologised Mum. “I forgot.”
“Yeah, whatever.” I mumbled. “I’ll be up in an hour or so.”
Well, I certainly wasn’t going back to sleep. Our type match up sheet was due Period 2. If I didn’t do it, I’d be in trouble. I got up, and finished off the last few rows. Ghost has no effect against Normal, and vice versa. BORING. I already knew all this.

After doing that, I climbed back in to bed, determined to get at least half an hour’s rest before I had to get up again. I looked up at my roof poster. It showed all the different Pokémon, and their types, average height and average weight.
What am I doing? I thought. I had got into bed again to get all the Pokémon facts OUT of my head! I closed my eyes, and waited till eight o’ clock.

When I got up, everyone else had left the house. Dad was at work; Mum was dropping Alex and Bradley off at school. I ran the shower, and went to get some money for lunch.

After my shower, I looked at the clock. It was half past nine! I was running really late! I quickly fed Arky and Oz – our two pet Arcanines –, had a quick breakfast, and hurried off to school, grabbing my Poke Balls on the way.

I only just made it to school on time. I rushed into C18 just before the bell rang.

Great, I thought. It’s History of Pokémon first.

Sitting through History of Pokémon was so boring! Mr Gallen was talking about the history of Omanyte and Omastar. I was glad to get out of it!

Next was Pokémon Types. I always enjoyed this class because Mrs Manchester always gave demonstrations, and because our class was out on the field, we were allowed to let our Pokémon out.

Today we were putting what we knew to practice. We were all paired up, ready to battle one another. I was battling Samuel.

“Go, Blaziken!” I shouted.
“Do your best, Camerupt!” yelled Samuel.
Uh-oh! I thought. A Ground attack will finish off Blaziken in one hit!
“Blaziken, return!” I decided to switch. “Go, Swellow!”
“Interesting.” said Samuel. “But I expected you to switch! Use Flamethrower!”
The fiery stream hit Swellow head on. Swellow fell to the ground.
“Now, use Magnitude!” commanded Samuel.
Because Swellow was on the ground, the move hit easily. Swellow was knocked out!
“Damn!” I shouted. But right away I knew what to do next. Before, I was only focusing on the Ground aspect of Camerupt. But it was also part fire!
“Go, Gyarados!” I yelled. A huge creature emerged from the Poke Ball. Gyarados was part Water, to withstand the Fire attacks, and also part Flying, so the Ground attacks had no effect!
“Use Hydro Pump.” I said calmly. This battle was all wrapped up and tied with a bow!
The Hydro Pump hit Camerupt powerfully. It was a damaging hit. Camerupt fainted.

Samuel returned Camerupt, and sent out Tropius. It was part Grass, which stopped the Water attacks in their tracks, and part Flying, so any other Flying attacks that would usually be super effective against Grass would be normal. It was a good choice. But although all the types were against me, Samuel forgot one little detail. Gyarados may have been part Water and part Flying, but it didn’t mean that the attacks it could learn were exclusive to those types. And I had equipped Gyarados with a pretty good Fire attack.

“Gyarados, use Flamethrower!” It knocked Tropius out in one hit. And Samuel was out of Pokémon! I had won!

**
“That was a good idea using Gyarados’s Flamethrower,” remarked Mrs Manchester. “Very good indeed!”
“Thanks, Mrs Manchester.” I said.

“Now, we’ve got 20 minutes until the end of the period, and we’ve finished everything I had planned for today, so why don’t you just talk amongst yourselves?” said Mrs Manchester. “But first, I’d like you to get out your homework.”

There were the usual groans.

“We had homework?”
“I was busy.”
“It was here a minute ago!”
“My Delcatty ate it.”
“My Arcanine ate it.”
“My dad ate it.”

I pulled my type match up sheet out of my bag and handed it to Mrs Manchester.
“Thank you, Kat.” she replied. “But I’m not impressed with the amount of homework that was handed in today. Only eight sheets out of 25! I had better see the rest of the sheets in tomorrow.”

I'm working on Chapter 2 currently. (AVG percentage complete: 40%)
Also, I am redoing the first chapter and adding a prologue.
I think, therefore I think. Duh.
Age 36
Seen 14 Hours Ago
Posted 2 Days Ago
The main problem that I had with this was that the main character comes off as a little too powerful. She already has strong Pokemon, knows nearly everything about Pokemon, and doesn't seem to have a lot of faults evident early on. She's even especially singled out by the teachers for being good.

There was also an issue with the grammar, especially concerning dialogue. At some points, you're correctly, like here:

“That was a good idea using Gyarados’s Flamethrower,” remarked Mrs Manchester. “Very good indeed!”
And then in the next paragraph, you made a mistake.

“Thanks, Mrs Manchester.” I said.
The full stop after "Manchester" should be a comma.

There also needs to be a full stop after the abbreviation.

Description needed to be padded. There was nothing to the battle and even less to the rest of the day. Check this post to learn a way to describe Pokemon battles. As for the rest of description, just talk more about the settings. Like what's going on in the class room. Are there kids moving desks around? How loud does it get? (Seriously, no matter how quiet the teacher wants the students to talk, they pretty much always get loud.)

I was also hoping for a bit more thoughts from Kat. Since this is first-person perspective, this is a perfect opportunity to get into her head. Maybe a little more about her attitude in battle against Samuel? Bring out more of her personality.

Hope this helps you with the second chapter. It's still too early for me to pass my opinion on it. I'm just not wowed yet with the first chapter. Good luck.

Avatar credit: Fairy
Age 31
OGame, coords [18:1:189:9] Pyrotopia α and [37:4:496:7] Pyrotopia ω
Seen March 2nd, 2008
Posted February 25th, 2008
48 posts
15.4 Years
I think that this story is very well thought out. Whilst it is true that Kat seems to know everything about Pokemon, she still had some difficulty with the battle - I particularly liked how Kat's Swellow was hit by the Magnitude. My favourite bit is the excuses the students came up with ("My dad ate it!").

As Hanako says, you should beef up the descriptions a bit, but this is a great story.
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