The Lance of the WEst

Started by west December 18th, 2007 3:23 PM
  • 630 views
  • 2 replies
Seen August 29th, 2009
Posted August 27th, 2009
32 posts
15.4 Years
Well its not just a story i made up i made a comic to. If you wanna see go check my blog:
www.pacestuff.blogspot.com
The story starts of where two trainers with a dragonite and garchomp out

and they are looking at a evil looking trainer who laughs. The trainer with garchomp by hhis side say: Zahnim join us this building is burning. The evil trainer says : No i'll die with pride. The trainer with the dragonite says :
Showrob theres no time, dragonite come and get ready we have to go.
the trainer known as showrob stars at zahnim, and says sorry bro....that you turned out this way.... showrob rode his garchomp through the skies with his friend Kushed.
-10 years lateer in the town of kusheria-

Showrob: look can that be zahnim?
Kushed: Yes its him and those dark pokeon he has, its over we must evacuate the tow, dragonite get lance and west tell them to take the secret entrance to Jacks house.
Showrob: Garchomp, awake the villagers.
Kushed: we knew we would die in this town....
Showrob: I know but my wife died and west is just a kid...and so is your lance
Zahnim: sorry bro's but im here hahah., but im only here for you i'll let the villagers leave.
Showrob: Garchomp: Dracozap!
Kushed: Dracozap
Zahnim:drk tyranitar,darkaggron, shadowblast
-----
read the rest on my blog in comic form
im not advertising btw im just saying if you wanna read it in a comic form go look at my blog
i'll try to add more of the story
Age 36
Seen 14 Hours Ago
Posted 2 Days Ago
Since you have the correct amount of posts needed, and you already have the sprite comic made up, why don't you start a thread in the Pixel Projects section? This way, you can just post your sprite comic over there without having to retype the story? Unless you want to retype the rest of the comic's story over here so we can read it and comment on it.

Which I'll do a bit now.

Just because you have the sprite comic linked to in your post doesn't mean that you can skimp out on the descriptions. What if we don't want to look at your comic while reading the story? Since this is the fanfiction section, it's better to use words to paint a picture, rather than linking to a picture and skipping out on writing.

There's also the fact that your grammar is really weak. You should write this on a word processor to make sure that all words are spelled correctly, and so that you can take the time on it by rereading it to catch typos and add more to it.

Just as general rules:
The pronoun "I" is always capitalized. No matter what.
Proper nouns are always capitalized. Like the names of things, people, places.
Form the possessive by adding an apostrophe-s, like Lance's, Jack's.

Since the grammar makes my head hurt, and I'm not in a festive mood tonight, I'll just tell you to work more on the basics like grammar for both this story and the sprite comic. Without good grammar, no one can read your writing because it's just too confusing and difficult to read.

Avatar credit: Fairy
Age 31
OGame, coords [18:1:189:9] Pyrotopia α and [37:4:496:7] Pyrotopia ω
Seen March 2nd, 2008
Posted February 25th, 2008
48 posts
15.4 Years
Yeah, could be a great story, but lack of descriptions and grammar problems mean I don't find it all that brilliant.
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