A True Pokemon Hero
Chapter 1: The Beginning of a Journey!
Wow, what a boring title. To be hounest the only reason I even clicked on this fic was because you had posted it twice.
Titles and Chapter titles are very important. They're the first thing a reader sees and it has to be good enough to lure them in and interest them.
A boy named Travis was in his bed. Tommorrow was his 10th birthday. He would finally become a pokemon trainer.
You should expand this sentence. Rather then just straight out saying "A boy names Travus was in his bed" try using descriptive words. Explain to us his room, his actions, his appearance or his feelings.
"Travis, go to sleep! If your late your going to be in big trouble!" Travis' mom said walking into his room.
"But mom... I want to watch this cool Pokemon battle!" Travis yelled clutching the TV remote in his hand.
"Fine but..." his mom said trying to continue.
"...you let Jonas sleep late when he was turning ten!" Travis shouted.
Try thinking up some better words to use. These are so... bland. There's no description or feelings. The characters and story so far seem flat and lame.
Travis' mom left the room.
Travis flipped through the channels to see something else. He saw an awesome Pokemon Movie called "Pokejourney!".
Just a small spelling mistake here.
"Hmmm... I guess I will watch this..." Travis mumbled.
At 10:23 PM, the phone rang. Travis got up and went downstairs. RRIIINNGGG! He gently placed his hand on the phone and picked it up.
"Ummm... is this the Reffan House?" a voice said.
"Yes..." Travis said calmly.
"Is that you! Its me Jonas! Hi Travis!" the voice said.
"Jonas! Its me Travis! What are you doing?!" Travis yelled, thrilled to speak to his brother.
So much happened in just a few sentences. Which by the way should not have had breaks in between them. Why doesn't his brother know what his own houses phone number is? And you're still using very boring words.
"Is mom awake? Im in Goldenrod City, Johto Region." Jonas said.
"You are in Johto! Why?!" Travis yelled.
Why is he yelling? Is he mad? Is he upset? We don't know! You need to explain a characters emotions. Just using the word 'yelled' does not explain much.
"Just put mom on the phone, Travis..." Jonas said.
"Fine..." Travis said.
Travis dragged the phone in his hand.
"Mom wake up!" Travis said while shaking his mom's bed.
"What do you want Travis?! Go to sleep!" Travis' mom said.
"No, Jonas is on the phone!" Travis yelled.
"Jonas! Really?" his mom said her eyes lighting up.
"Yes mom... here..." Travis mumbled handing his mother the phone.
Travis' mom grabbed the phone.
Hello! Is it you Jonas?!" Travis' mom yelled.
Blah blah blah. More boring dialog, I almost just gave up and stopped reading here.
All that was heard was a silence. No answer.
Tears floated down Travis' mom's face. Blood rised to her face. She was ANGRY.
She wiped her face and shut the phone.
"WHY DID YOU FOOL ME LIKE THAT?!" his mom said with her face as red as an apple.
First off the line "
Blood rised to her face" didn't make sense. Angry should not have been capitalized. You should have used description and feelings to portray that she was angry, not the caps lock button.
"I didn't! He was really on the phone!" Travis yelled.
Travis ran up to his room and shut the door.
"I can't believe Jonas did that!" Travis mumbled pounding his Bulbasaur plushie on the wall.
TO BE CONTINUED...
Okay, all in all it was absolute garbage. I'm not trying to be mean, but the people who said this was good was lying. Rather then just lines of awkward conversation, try pulling your readers into the story more by using description. Really that is what your story is lacking.
The generic 10 year old trainer fic has been done to death. DEATH!
My personal opinion; scrap the whole thing and start over again.