Fanfiction Lounge Page 14

Started by ^^NICK^^ v.2.0 September 6th, 2003 7:57 PM
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Frostweaver

Ancient + Prehistoric

Age 34
Male
Canada
Seen September 11th, 2016
Posted July 30th, 2016
8,246 posts
19.7 Years
Sorry for fanfic review delays, but then I just got my hands on Leaf Green... ^o^;;;

@ Road to Palantria

-yay we get some intensive battling! ^^ Great battling scene due to the very vivid description.

-hehe I knew that Kenneth was changing (but I had no idea what)... he was indeed action weird. All the foreshadowing said so ^^

-now Vibrava's evolution is very accurate, but I never liked 2 consecutive paragraph to talk of descriptions alone without any action (even Vibrava beating its wings hovering around the trio is fine enough for "action"). It may indeed add a lot of realism into the story, but it does get boring that way

-watch out for using the wrong words, something that MSWord cannot pick up... such as "down" not "done"

-I was hoping to see if the old wizard guy (sorry too many names appeared in that chapter ^^; ) will mention why those 2 hideous beasts are there... but it's still ok if he never explained it. Afterall RPGs got a fair share amount of mysterious ugly monsters roaming around everywhere too, and Palantria is not the most normal place of all

-overall, another great chapter for a great fanfic ^^ now with another quest on their hand, those boys seriously got a lot of places to travel to O.o;
Age 36
Male
Singapore
Seen April 21st, 2012
Posted April 20th, 2012
219 posts
19.3 Years
I have decided to revamp Groudon X Godzilla. I think the diamond Missiles used by the Japanese army inflicted serious injuries to Groudon. Groudon is not a steel-type so it's stil vulnerable. I have got Lugia and Ash(ho-oh) into plot where a fire and electric type creature named Godzilla steps in to upset the balance of the WW3
Click on the banner to enter
Age 41
Male
Breaking the sound barrier
Seen April 18th, 2011
Posted September 20th, 2010
180 posts
18.8 Years
Again, thanks for the review frostweaver. Yeah, maybe two paragraphs with description was a bit excessive. There's a lot in the chapters ahead, and a lot of things will change as time goes on.

I thank you for taking the time out to read it and giving it very in-depth reviews.

Frostweaver

Ancient + Prehistoric

Age 34
Male
Canada
Seen September 11th, 2016
Posted July 30th, 2016
8,246 posts
19.7 Years
I'm so terribly behind... 5 fanfics to read and so much homework to do for all in the same day ;_; And since I reviewed Road to Palantria so many times before already, for a short while I'll ignore it despite of the update, and read the others first... ok?

@ Pokemon Beyond

-now the prologue is still rushing... as chunks are missing here and there. I don't even know what Team Rocket was winning in.

-prologue is rather revealing a bit too much... not exactly a good thing, like Ash's greatest secret and his link to Ho-oh

-paragraphing... gotta remember how each new speaker for a dialogue means a new paragraph

-slight diction and wording problem that can really increase the fanfic's interest... such as leaving out lines like "last thing he ever saw" until last, and use burnt or turned to ashes (colder words) instead of barbequed (a very warm fuzzy/comedical word)

-things about Anakin can be stretched longer and not be so rushed

-stick with a name... Dr. Starfish or Dr. Cephalus, either one... don't mention both


@ A Beautiful Gift


-grammar error... watch for the position of the " ' " mark.

-generally ok, with the exception of lacking description and length... if you expanded more, it'll be a lot more enjoyable to read. Lack of description and length is the MAIN problem, by far...

Frostweaver

Ancient + Prehistoric

Age 34
Male
Canada
Seen September 11th, 2016
Posted July 30th, 2016
8,246 posts
19.7 Years
@ The Spirits of Mount Pyre

-mainly ok but I really expected Kiri to be saying a lot more about Blu and her woe towards Blu's death... can really express that in great detail

-paragraphing, as mentioned already by others

-I'm always very picky about Pokemon and realism... Wailmer isn't that much bigger than a human being. Wailord though will be much more fitting.

-Ninetales didn't exactly come back to "life" but remained a ghost... so the last statement becomes very awkward then

-longer length always help ^^


@ As Cold As Ice

-how does Team Rocket turn good...? This is anime based afterall, so what's happening...?

-EVERYONE is acting OOC... Brock is usually not the one so dense, and the 2 females never act like that

-the battle scene wasn't even a battle... you need a lot of description regarding what happened during the battle and so on (same goes for the Metagross thing)

-length and description issue

-how did Max suddenly disappear...?

-even the prologue can use a LOT more description... and such an important event can easily be multiple chapters, even

-transition... the story is jumping everywhere way too quickly

-more OOC... Marina and Junichi... well maybe not too much for Junichi XD; Marina is like a totally new character O.o;

Frostweaver

Ancient + Prehistoric

Age 34
Male
Canada
Seen September 11th, 2016
Posted July 30th, 2016
8,246 posts
19.7 Years
Finally! AHAHAHA!!! Die evil word problems that are wasting so much of my time because of the super unfriendly 3 digit fractions in a parabola! DIE!!!!


@ Call of Dragons- the most rushed chapter so far

-now Vincent was having a bad dream, and then woke up by Nina's voice eventually. And then the story proceeds on to walking south and etc... transition error is present as the story suddenly jumped to him waking up to walking south. Fix it by throwing in something with the word "continue" in it.

-little pointer of diction... question is a word of a harsh tone. Use "ask" instead for Nina towards Dennis

-another diction pointer... mutter usually suggests a slight negative tone of voice... cross that out for Dennis and use another verb in place. Even said will suffice (for the rare chance that it will work).

-another other diction pointer... crimson is a cold color, while you want a warm adjective there

-"why did you change" is not something someone will ask towards someone who who changed in behavior... at least not in Canada ^^; Rather awkward. Cutting it out will work better as the next dialogue from Nina also suggests the same thing anyway.

-again, identities are best to come last. The fact that Naomi reminds Dennis of his mother should come last, not in the middle with all the descriptions at the end.

-this dream sequence is just awkward... again we have Naomi saying stuff that's so direct, that nobody will really say these stuff in such a manner... Also makes the sequence quite corny. Transition is out the window as we see Dennis go "ding! Ahh that's right so I do love Nina a lot!" o.o; I don't know how to exactly pinpoint why it is so...

-a hand can CERTAINLY feel cold and smooth... not something worth the surprise. Did you mean "cold and warm?"

-diction change: change mortal into something else (a young girl or whatever), as mortal is a terribly cold and powerful word, and you're at those love-y cuddly scene... same for spirit, but for that you can just cut out "than a spirit" and call that the end.

-"Why don't you... kiss me yourself... then... I promise... to leave you be..." eclipses are useful but not when you get that many XD "yourself" is not needed as well. Can be reworded to "I will leave you be then... but can't you <some form of hesitation here> give me a kiss before I have to leave you?" to reduce slight awkwardness, plus this reworded form also fits the basics of how important stuff comes at the end, rather than the beginning.

-watch for grammar and spelling... especially spelling mistakes where you mispelled a word to be another word (mind -> mid) which is something MSWord cannot pickup

-the "must-tenses" is so confusing that I'm not sure if it's right or not regarding tenses in the story... "must flee" sounds like present which will be wrong, but then "must fled" sounds weird. Ask someone else to check on that...

-we see more evidence of rushing, as the famous scene of Dennis beside Nina's bedside is such an expandable romance scene (along with being a great opportunity for more description about Dennis's feelings and stuff, or especially Nina vs Naomi XD), yet sadly we see it only in a few sentences.

-"muttered a swear word" is rather wordy and weird... try "swore under his breath"

-you don't gain faster but you gain closer


Most of the complaints are from the 5th dream sequence. Need to work a little bit more on how to write emotional scenes ^^;


@ Road to Palantria


-another excellent chapter for the ongoing excellent story ^^

-I... actually got nothing to rant on this time O.o; *dun dun DUN!*
:Location
Seen April 17th, 2005
Posted April 16th, 2005
176 posts
18.8 Years
Hmm. When I have time, I'll transform my fanfic. Parts 1, 2 and 3 are lousy. But if I move 4, 5 and 6 to the start as one part, and write another part I made up (wee, pokeshipping) it will be better. Yeah. It might end up called "Friendly Gift" or "Present". But I'll see about that.
*laughs maniacally thinking about the new part*
*coughs*
*wheezes*
Bittertown
Seen September 2nd, 2009
Posted December 28th, 2008
7,901 posts
19.7 Years
Plans for future fanfictions:

-A "properly-written" short story. First person point of view. School Fic.

-A tragedy fanfic. Possible dark fic. However, no concrete plot created yet. Possibility of the "Higher they go, they heavier they fall" mentality.

Pocket Monsters Special!
Age 35
Magma Colosseum
Seen February 23rd, 2009
Posted December 11th, 2008
6,158 posts
19.6 Years
Announcement: After much work and deliberation, I have finished the retake on the Prologue of Pokemon Neo: Hoenn Armaggedon as per the suggestions of Frosty's previous review of it. I have not yet finished upgrading chapter one as per these suggestions. The link is at: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/1960018/1/ . I look forward to your opinions.


PBR:
1676-0779-0037
Pearl:
0215 7344 5643


Click here to feed me a Rare Candy!
Get your own at Pokeplushies!

Click here for something awesome.
Age 34
Good question...somewhere around here...I think... o.O
Seen August 3rd, 2008
Posted August 1st, 2008
6,032 posts
19.2 Years
*tiptoes in* Um...hey...I...um...am...uh...new to this whole...um...fanfic thing... *blushes*

So...um...sorry if my post resemble that of RP post for while...I have to get used to switching from RP mode...to Fanfic writing mode...

Current Fanfic:

-Montolio's Quest for Vengence

It's not that well written, as I mentioned above, but I really like the plot to the whole thing, check it out sometime...um...that is if you want to...

Sorry...I'm not as good a Fanfic writer as I am a RPer...

Member of:
Anime Watchers Club
Romance Anime and Manga Club

Frostweaver

Ancient + Prehistoric

Age 34
Male
Canada
Seen September 11th, 2016
Posted July 30th, 2016
8,246 posts
19.7 Years
Yay Frosty no longer banned from the computer ^^ Back to fanfic reading... So many to read O.o; Once again I'll read Road to Palantria and Call of Dragons later as they're fine off the ground compare to the other fanfics who are more likely to need the constructive criticism that they need/hate.

@ A Wonderful Journey

-OT fanfic... instant alert for all readers/the author that hopefully the plot gets some good twists *real soon* before we all get bored half death because it's a repeat of the anime, with different characters/settings/wordings

-present and past tense cannot possibly co-exist (pretty much except for a few very rare cases)... choose one and stick with it

-now just like Road to Palantria, I'm never thrilled with an entire paragraph dedicated to character description. It's nice to see description, but do try to insert some action (can be very minor action, nothing plot-breaking) in between.

-never never go "<text> and <text> and <text> and..." and so on like that. It's very repetitive, and is a sure indicator that you're only so far away from being a run-on sentence. Try to break it up into difference sentences, or use other conjunctions.

-let's stress this fact again... description without any action can be very boring and repetitive.

-watch grammar mistakes and especially punctuations

-watch out for corny wordings, such as " Because Koffing tackled Brenda, Paul really gets angry and throws a pokeball in the air."

-now here's a plot flaw... how come Ponyta's as weak as an egg being pursuited by Team Thunder before the protagonists arrive, yet becomes superior right after they are there? Rather unrealistic right there...

-battles are anime styled battling... and no OTs want even more similarities with the anime. Try to slowly eliminate anime styled battling bits by bits

-characters have close to no personalities... it's the anime all over again o.o;

-even the gym is direct copy and paste from the anime >>; not my taste really.

Lily

◕ ‿‿ ◕ double rainbow.

Female
New Joisey
Seen February 26th, 2017
Posted June 26th, 2011
3,329 posts
18.7 Years
I made up a one shot. =D I prefer them so much better since you don't need to update. I think I just posted it not long ago...I think I'll stick to doing one shots unless I can force myself to write chapters, which I am not good at.

( ‿‿ ) PM me for a contract.
Age 35
Magma Colosseum
Seen February 23rd, 2009
Posted December 11th, 2008
6,158 posts
19.6 Years
I forgot how much Frosty's reviews resemble a cold knife to the back. :\ I hope his review of my revamped prologue will be better than the last time. *shudders*


PBR:
1676-0779-0037
Pearl:
0215 7344 5643


Click here to feed me a Rare Candy!
Get your own at Pokeplushies!

Click here for something awesome.

Frostweaver

Ancient + Prehistoric

Age 34
Male
Canada
Seen September 11th, 2016
Posted July 30th, 2016
8,246 posts
19.7 Years
I forgot how much Frosty's reviews resemble a cold knife to the back. :\ *shudders*
*gives a rep to him and Kairi*

@ Pokemon Neo: Armageddon version 2

-minor repetition problem, as you kinda repeated yourself about how the streets are bare right after how you just mentioned it

-minor grammar mistakes, but don't we all have them... maybe besides LilyPichu and Neo Pikachu

-You shouldnt be here son. Norman choked, rubbing his throat tenderly. They want to kill you. You have to run.

It is something a father will say, but the tone and diction can be worked upon. Norman sounds monotone or rather weak in tone for a life/death critical situation. Try something along the line of "Don't you realize that they're here for you? You should have ran, far from here while you got the chance!" or something like that (that was probably bad though as not much thought is given to it.) It's diction... like how should is a stronger verb than have.

-during the time between the Petalburg event and the Littleroot fire, Seth is actting... let's say unusually calm knowing that his father is long dead already. Besides this being the only thing that's annoying me, this version of the prologue is very well done compare to the last one. Blaziken doing the running is a lot more believable than some human boy running around to dodge bullets as if Neo from Matrix possessed him or something...
Age 35
Magma Colosseum
Seen February 23rd, 2009
Posted December 11th, 2008
6,158 posts
19.6 Years
I'm glad you find teh blaziekn aprt more believable. The reason why I had Seth so calm acting was because he was in a state of suspended disbelief. All he felt ws the urge to go home and warn his mom. And he didn't know his father had been killed, although he suspected it, since that was after he had run away. All he had known was that his father had been shot with a handgun, which people can live through. As far as he knew, anything could hve happened after he left. Norman might have found a way out. ANd the reason I made Norman's sentences so short and lacking in more Vibrant wording was because you said last time he was doing too much talking. :\ I'm going to move on nowand work more on finishing the story after I finish redoing chapter 1. I'll start revamping the rest of the chapters after then. :\

edit: And the reason why the streets where mentioned twice was because the first time was by the narrator, and the second time was by Seth's own observation. I can edit it out so that only Seth makes the observation, so that it's touched on in a way that will make it more appealing.


PBR:
1676-0779-0037
Pearl:
0215 7344 5643


Click here to feed me a Rare Candy!
Get your own at Pokeplushies!

Click here for something awesome.

Lily

◕ ‿‿ ◕ double rainbow.

Female
New Joisey
Seen February 26th, 2017
Posted June 26th, 2011
3,329 posts
18.7 Years
Frostyyyyyyy

;_; If you don't, one of your excellent ubergood reviews on *points to her one shot* that bad fic over there. Mmm course, if you're busy or not up to it, I understand, but if you have extra free time I mean, or if you don't have anythign else to do..er..

I'll shut up now. o.o;

( ‿‿ ) PM me for a contract.

Frostweaver

Ancient + Prehistoric

Age 34
Male
Canada
Seen September 11th, 2016
Posted July 30th, 2016
8,246 posts
19.7 Years
-better way to reword Norman: "Run! Get Away from here!" Short and powerful, yetprecise too =) Before I didn't think about it too much

-now there's no reason to double the narration since the story is a 3rd person narrative, with its POV mostly fixed around Seth. Just because it's not 1st person of Seth, the narration picking it up is as good as Seth picking it up for the readers, but it's a good thing that you're thinking about it

-suspended disbelief isn't calm. They're different in tone again

^^ I'll read the other fics later... have to check up on my dad and do all those hideous labs >>;

EDIT: *waves hi to LilyPichu* haven't seen you for a long time now ^-^ I'll be sure to read it asap!

Yami86

Speedy Speed Boy!!!

Age 36
Sydney, Australia
Seen October 5th, 2006
Posted November 15th, 2004
78 posts
18.7 Years
Ok, I've added Chapter 4 to my first ever fanfic, A Hero Emerges. All comments are welcome.


Woman was taken out of man -- not out of his head, to rule over him;
nor out of his feet, to be trampled under by him; but out of his side,
to be equal to him -- under his arm, that he might protect her, and
near his heart that he might love her.
-- Henry