Fanfiction Lounge Page 18

Started by ^^NICK^^ v.2.0 September 6th, 2003 7:57 PM
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Frostweaver

Ancient + Prehistoric

Age 34
Male
Canada
Seen September 11th, 2016
Posted July 30th, 2016
8,246 posts
19.7 Years
@ The Quest for the Legends (prologue up to ch.1)

-first of all, I'm pretty sure that I can transfer the title onto another fanfic, and no one will realize that I screwed around with the titles... this proves that this is either too cliched, or is too generic... try to define your titles a bit more to be more precise for *your* fanfic and *only*

-slightly confusing regarding what's happening in the prologue, if the legendaries are dead or not... not to mention, there are more than 14 legendaries (assuming how Mew/Mewtwo are alive and 12 other legendaries are dead,) which is the most confusing thing of all. There are the 3 Regis, 3 birds, 3 beasts, Mew/Mewtwo, Celebi/Jirachi, Ho-oh/lugia, Latios/Latias, and Deoxys, which totals to a huge number, more than 14... There are 18 in total, and even if you cut out Mewtwo/Deoxys from the legendary list (as they're rather "man-made" if you like to call it that way), the number just doesn't work out...

-now for the Extra, I can certainly find ways to insert in these "extra info" somewhere... the picture if the only thing that I can't fit in, really.

-some of the "extras" don't need to exist at all... the color thing is really common sense and is expected to be found on fanfics anyway (I always have an internet tab open that defines all colors to help me read fanfics myself).

-in my humble opinion, the extra revealed too much already... (therefore, the foreshadow failed, as it's overdone)

-now didn't the narrator just say that NW-Ouen got no Pokemon, and that the adults aren't into Pokemon at all (having "real jobs" instead)? If so... how come the school got Pokemon lessons? Kinda strange... Perhaps I missed a paragraph or something, but the whole thing about NW-Ouen and no-Pokemon thing is confusing me...

-excellent usage of tone for Mark! An obvious sign that implicit character description is at work.

-fanfic is highly readable, as grammar mistakes do not exist at all. Paragraphing is also done very nicely, and best of all, there's actually more writers who uses "cut-lines" to divide their fanfic into sections, so hurray!


Grammar Basics: 10/10 (there is like... 1?)
Plot/Character Basics: 17/20 (brilliant job on Mark)
Tone/Diction: 17/20 (again, Mark's tone)
Writing Skills: 14/20 (it's the extra... =/ )
Effort/Originality: 25/30
Lit. Device bonus: -3 (failed foreshadowing that resulted in reverse effects)

Total: 80

Lily

◕ ‿‿ ◕ double rainbow.

Female
New Joisey
Seen February 26th, 2017
Posted June 26th, 2011
3,329 posts
18.7 Years
Some sister you treat me as not informing me that YOU CAME BACK. *glomps and clings* Now never go or else all these fics will die by the lack of Frosty's review. And yes, I got engaged to the other reviewer, sorry if I didn't tell you BUT you *weren't* online yesterday OR the day before. ;_; Ah well, at least you're back! ^_^

And make sure to review my ficcy...that'll be all...:P

( ‿‿ ) PM me for a contract.

Dragonfree

Teh Spwriter. :3

Age 33
Female
Iceland
Seen February 9th, 2020
Posted November 28th, 2012
1,290 posts
19.1 Years
Yep, the title. Horribleness of doom, isn't it? I started writing this fic sometime in 2001, with that out-of-the-blue title (at the time) and I'm physically incapable of changing things like titles, even though the story itself has been majorly changed throughout these seven revisions. I don't know why, I just can't seem to be able to just make a proper title and stick it on instead. I'm too used to this one.

Ah, I see the number of Legendaries confused you, but actually, the other dead Legendaries are not the ones we know. They don't matter either; the only ones that matter are Mew, Mewtwo and Chalenor. You saw the 999 years later at the start of chapter one, right? The twelve Legendaries from the prologue died there, and therefore I hoped the reader would assume that they had to be other Legendaries than the ones we know a thousand years later, but I see now that it is confusing... ah, well, the eighth revision fixes that. ;) You forgot Groudon, Kyogre and Rayquaza from the list of current Legendaries, by the way.

You don't know that either, but the information of Extra I could not have been told through the story itself, simply because nobody knows it. Mark doesn't know it, and nobody who could tell him knows. Besides that the extras contain only information that is not essential for the reader to understand the story (that's why they're called Extras), so it would be a pointless part if it actually were in there. It's just fun knowledge that could give some plot hints (I assure you that nobody would pick up Chalenor's green as anything relevant if I didn't point out that the colors change depending on his mood). Come to think of it, though, I could leave all the stuff about his powers out, because that *is* going to be implemented into the fic. Ah, well, next revision. No, screw that. I'll just change it now. You're right, it is wrecking the foreshadowing. *edits*

The schools have Pokmon lessons because all schools in the Pokmon world have Pokmon lessons, North-West Ouen or not. It's technically all the same country, and they have the same educational laws, which include that all children must learn x, y and z about Pokmon, whether the parents like it or not. Besides that most of the kids do go on a Pokmon journey, as mentioned in chapter one.

Thanks for the review! ^_^ I love reviews. Best of all, you said things nobody's told me before. Are you going to review the rest too?
~Butterfree/Dragonfree/antialiasis of The Cave of Dragonflies

Still not going to sprite for your fangame. Sorry, but I don't really sprite or give out permission for people to use my fake Pokémon anymore.

Frostweaver

Ancient + Prehistoric

Age 34
Male
Canada
Seen September 11th, 2016
Posted July 30th, 2016
8,246 posts
19.7 Years
Yes I will... just not today >>; enough fanfics for today. Gotta work on other stuff and to chat with Lily too ^^

Now the legendaries... it's hard to assume that it's original legendaries when Mew/Mewtwo got associated with them. Plus, another plotflaw that I just found that seemed rather VERY crucial (would have resulted in plot mark going down by 1 or something XD but I'll just say that you lucked out). Now if Ash Ketchum got mentioned as a living being 999 years after that event, and Mewtwo's created during Ash Ketchum's time, then how did Mewtwo appear all those years ago...? Better way to fix this is not to mention the 999 years thing (for no one is suppose to know that, right?), and save that fact until much later. It saves the trouble, saves the confusing things for your readers regarding time contradiction (even if the story is meant to turn out this way, such as Mewtwo went back in time via time travel or whatever).

Tomorrow, I'll see... Certainly first on priority list is Lily's newest fanfic *cheers*, and another chapter of it... I'll see if I can do 2.

Dragonfree

Teh Spwriter. :3

Age 33
Female
Iceland
Seen February 9th, 2020
Posted November 28th, 2012
1,290 posts
19.1 Years
I guess I shouldn't say anything more than that the Mewtwo being there before his own creation thing matters... (probably too much said already)

Being exactly 999 years later matters too, though, so I can't take that out. I've thought of a way to solve the number of Legendaries in the prologue, though...
~Butterfree/Dragonfree/antialiasis of The Cave of Dragonflies

Still not going to sprite for your fangame. Sorry, but I don't really sprite or give out permission for people to use my fake Pokémon anymore.

Frostweaver

Ancient + Prehistoric

Age 34
Male
Canada
Seen September 11th, 2016
Posted July 30th, 2016
8,246 posts
19.7 Years
I guess I shouldn't say anything more than that the Mewtwo being there before his own creation thing matters... (probably too much said already)

Being exactly 999 years later matters too, though, so I can't take that out. I've thought of a way to solve the number of Legendaries in the prologue, though...
Well of course... any number that's not a multiple of 10 matters XD but what I'm saying is that you should delay that fact until later, at a more suitable time. Right now, the number is useless and unimportant, so why not delay its appearance until it's useful?

And of course, a good way to escape that Mewtwo thing is just to give even lesser known details about it ;p More mysterious the better. It's hard to be criticized, and it increases the mystery rating XD

Dragonfree

Teh Spwriter. :3

Age 33
Female
Iceland
Seen February 9th, 2020
Posted November 28th, 2012
1,290 posts
19.1 Years
Well, that's kinda the only place where the main story really "connects" to the time of the prologue. There is one other place where it's explained better and there could be an opportunity to do it, but I just like having that 999 there for some reason.
~Butterfree/Dragonfree/antialiasis of The Cave of Dragonflies

Still not going to sprite for your fangame. Sorry, but I don't really sprite or give out permission for people to use my fake Pokémon anymore.

Frostweaver

Ancient + Prehistoric

Age 34
Male
Canada
Seen September 11th, 2016
Posted July 30th, 2016
8,246 posts
19.7 Years
@ Reflections

-Yay lookie! It's a Lily production la~ *biased point + 100* XD

-good usage of rhetorical question to begin the story, with good follow-up of juxtaposition for the contrast between two characters

-maroon... excellent diction! Another out of the many cases where Lily has, once again, chose a word so precise in its definition.

-um... on the other hand, beige is acting against the atmosphere >>; It somewhat works I guess, but it's kind of stretching the definition, being too implicit even for an implicit idea behind that color.

-once again, watch for those confusing stupid tenses... especially past tense used in the same sentence as "now." It confuses me too, but I don't think the word "now" and a past tense can really co-exist without calling it a grammar flaw.

-some incomplete/run-on sentences here and there occassionally...

-ooh... "virtuous"... foreshadow... ooo...

-how come suddenly Hannah grew interested? You got this stacked up boredom and annoyance within Hannah, and now suddenly she's interested in Ash? Even if that sentence is acting like a satire, it acts against Hannah's tone...

-now I also read the (unfortunately only) two comments, and I personally don't regard any of Ash's lines being "awkward." Truthful to say that they're meant to be awkward on purpose, and awkward/grammatically incorrect lines within a conversation is certainly acceptable. It contributes to part of Ash's tone, and part of Ash's diction. In fact really, a lot of Ash's actions are quite strange to begin with, so I have no problem to see that Ash reacts equally awkward. In fact, it's quite nice to see that Ash is so consistent throughout the oneshot.

-with the most problematic error of the entire fanfic being grammar (which is usually others' strong points), this short story is simple in plot, yet highly complicated at a deeper level. I was rather surprised when someone said that this story was simple... I had to reread it too many times to figure out the significance of all those motifs (there are like, 5 of them? Took me an insane amount of time to find all 5's significance). Great usage of various writing techniques, ranging from juxtaposition, rhetorical questions, motifs and repetitions, tone, symbolism, and foreshadowing as implicit means to enhance the story. Setting and plot are not the most original, yet the unique and new writing style has bought this common plot idea into a new light.

Grammar Basics: 8/10
Characters: 19/20 (plot omitted, as it's unimportant and irrelevant for this fanfic)
Tone/Diction: 18/20
Writing Skills: 18/20
Effort/Originality: 25/30
Lit. Device bonus: +7 (juxtaposition, rhetorical questions, motifs and repetitions, tone, symbolism, and foreshadowing, one +1 for each... hmm I wonder if people even know what do some of these devices mean?)

PS: Really the Lit. Device bonus will be more if I am to find all of this in another writer's fanfic but if I give anymore, it'll be over 100% >>;; I've never found that many lit.device in action in a fanfic before.

Total: 95

Definitely a fanfic of the week material... would be a shame if it didn't make it.
Seen April 8th, 2015
Posted July 8th, 2012
2,005 posts
18.7 Years
SBaby here! Many of you have been keeping up with my Fic, Neo Destiny. I just wanted to update you . Chapter 21 is now complete, and Ash is finally up to the first true battle with Asmodia. For those of you who haven't read it yet, give it a go! Those of you who have kept up with it, check back often.

Once ND is finished, don't miss my next FanFic, Origin of the New Elite, detailing how Chezni and the other Elites got to the Pokemon World. The story is insane!!
If you spend too much time thinking about a thing, you will never get it done.

- Bruce Lee

The worst thing you can do in a business is blame the customer.

- Willie 'Jack' Degel

Frostweaver

Ancient + Prehistoric

Age 34
Male
Canada
Seen September 11th, 2016
Posted July 30th, 2016
8,246 posts
19.7 Years
@ The Quest for the Legends (Extra 2, chapter 2)

-now this extra 2 I don't mind too much... because it's really explaining game basics (IV, EV and etc). This one I don't mind as it doesn't affect the plot at all and is truly some basic background information.

-hmm... personally I'm still not all that convinced regarding why Mark's mother will change so rapidly, to the point of "all for it."

-a bit of run-on sentences here and there... watch out for that

-the people in the elevator... kinda weird, but I'll keep them in mind in case of them being important (which is hopefully what I'll be seeing soon). Also a bit awkward regarding why Mark suddenly feel the urge to go to floor 3 instead... hmm.

-hmm I'm personally not too thrilled or excited about how the book lists out all those legendaries in this manner, but that maybe just me...

-now diction continues to be quite problematic here... I'm very sure that a book can do better than "it blows up." Narratives in books have that neutral stance, and that informative yet "inorganic" tone to them. It's like reading a newspaper when you're reading books like that. It will not use such terminologies that are almost classified as slangs. And then, some of the diction just sounded awkward too...

-not too much to comment on overall, as this is mostly more background information about the legendaries, and not about the mainstream plot. Focusing on background information, there aren't that much to say really... not like you can use much lit.device either in such circumstances. The only real thing to comment on is the plot outline regarding the legendaries, and rating such a thing is rather difficult to do without being biased regarding personal tastes and favorites =/

-tone within a conversation is very well done, but tone/diction also exists within the narratives, which is an area you should try to work on


Grammar Basics: 8/10
Plot Basics: 8/10 (character is omitted because this chapter is a background info chapter, and it won't be fair to judge characters this time)
Tone/Diction: 15/20
Writing Skills: 16/20
Effort/Originality: 26/30
Lit. Device bonus: +2 (somewhat allusions here and there about the legendaries...)

Total: 75/90, => 83


@ Whisper of Death

-by default, grammar mistakes as always... but I know that English isn't your 1st language, nor is it your best... I understand (but the "review mark" will still reflect the poor grammar... just for fairness's sake to the other writers)

-showdown...? I think you mean shadows... I think...

-now regarding the term "Pokemon," I disagree with MCD here. Since pokemon/Pokemon is an invented word, no one but Satoshi himself can say that Pokemon is to be a proper noun, or just a normal noun. I personally treat it as a normal noun, like how the word "animal" is treated. So I have no problem wiht that myself. But the species of Pokemon, yes they have to be capitalized.

-as mentioned, the suicide-threat section should be stressed upon, as it is possibly one of your many climaxes, and should last a little longer...

-ack... lacking in time to re-read again to work out some confusions that I have with the plot... I'll drop the "marks" later tonight...

-ok resume in fanfic... *has to re-read this over and over and over again*

-now part of the reason for the confusions are that you started many possible important hints here and there, yet I can never pick up the finishing lines... For example, the hypno scene with the 2 doctors suggest that Erick seems to be blind (however, it's rather questionable if he lost his physical sight, his mind's eye, or both... story actually didn't reveal enough for me to tell. The next section suggests the mind's eyes, while the fact about seeing shapes suggests the physical eye that's being lost... so I don't know there.) The doctors complain that he didn't lost "much," while the others lost some "more crucial abilities." Erick is described as selfish and rather disagreeable according to the doctors, so I'm left wondering why... and so on. But then, the story really never picks up on this question again. The thing about Erick's selfishness disappeared.

-"the birds" are clear symbolisms of something but once again as the way it appears in the sentence, it clearly plays some important role for Erick, and is responsible for the calling of the silence, and coming for the Pokemon. I failed to see what it is... o.o; anyone want to clarify for me?

-sorry but I couldn't tell who the shadowy figure is... afterall, there's plenty of things from history/myth/religion/truth (whichever term appeals to your and your religious beliefs the most) out there that takes this role... so nothing for certain... I personally interpret as Death itself, but this ending is so flexible that it's probably wrong... (if this story even has an ending)

-Overall, a terribly confusing fanfic to understand... and really I still don't understand it that well. There are many good qualities that got started, but sadly they are never picked up again. I personally believe that some of these errors are products of improper grammar, and for that one the only way to fix it is to keep writing and keep listening to fixes. Even though the story is hard to understand, I can still see that you're trying very hard to meet up with all these advanced requirements in my standards, such as seeing many MANY attempts at literature devices throughout the entire fanfic. Character and plot are equally confusing, but I can still pick out where it's heading though. Though it's probably the most confusing fanfic within PC that's beyond understanding, I actually rather appreciate the bravery to try to write a heavy angst-thematic fanfiction, unlike the good old ordinary "for entertaining purposes only" fanfic that got nothing but plot and characters. Keep trying, Blue!

(note: marks and ratings are re-adjusted in order to suit the genre and style for this specific work that's different from most other standard adventure fanfics)

Grammar Basics: 5/10
Character/Plot Basics: 7/10
Tone/Diction: 15/25
Writing Skills: 15/25
Effort/Originality: 31/30 (effort bonus +1)
Lit. Device bonus: +4 (repetition, motif, symbolism attempt, flashback, narrative changes)

Total: 77

Dragonfree

Teh Spwriter. :3

Age 33
Female
Iceland
Seen February 9th, 2020
Posted November 28th, 2012
1,290 posts
19.1 Years
Chapter two is probably my worst, unless it's chapter four. They're both just there to give necessary background information, and while chapter two has probably more interesting information, it comes from a book and there's one heck of a lot more of it... well, at least it's not like the original, which listed their moves, stats and types, and then had Mark saying "Hmm, interesting" or something like that after each one. x_X And it's still a book, which I can't find a way to get rid of without losing out a lot of details. I'll try to improve the "book-ness" of it...
~Butterfree/Dragonfree/antialiasis of The Cave of Dragonflies

Still not going to sprite for your fangame. Sorry, but I don't really sprite or give out permission for people to use my fake Pokémon anymore.

Frostweaver

Ancient + Prehistoric

Age 34
Male
Canada
Seen September 11th, 2016
Posted July 30th, 2016
8,246 posts
19.7 Years
No reviews today... nothing really caught my attention. So I used the time and whipped out a quick guide to Prologue Writing, within the "Basic Pokemon Fanfiction Writing Guide." Check it out for all those new fanfic writers, and if you have the spare time to do so.

Frostweaver

Ancient + Prehistoric

Age 34
Male
Canada
Seen September 11th, 2016
Posted July 30th, 2016
8,246 posts
19.7 Years
@ Quest of the Calibra Princess (ch.3)

-paragraphing... it's really hard to read right now. Insert a blank line when you're starting a new paragraph.

-this entire chapter is pretty much conversation spam, and that's just not good... it's very repetitive, and it's not very interesting to reach so much dialogues when it's not necessary. Try to cut something out, and add more descriptions to characters/settings.

-the way how Miss Kara reveals all these things... just rather not that interesting

-an awfully calm response about such a crushing fact... character emotion section should be worked on a lot more

-for a turning point of a story, this seems to suffer quite a bit of length problems...

-Overall, just a lot of work is needed in every area possible O.o;

Grammar Basics: 9/10
Plot/Character Basics: 9/20 <= "characters? what?"
Tone/Diction: 7/20 <= close to not in existence... >>;
Writing Skills: 8/20 <= focus on DESCRIPTIONS, and no need to SPAM dialogues
Effort/Originality: 23/30
Lit. Device bonus: -2 (heavy length problem, again)

Total: 54

Frostweaver

Ancient + Prehistoric

Age 34
Male
Canada
Seen September 11th, 2016
Posted July 30th, 2016
8,246 posts
19.7 Years
@ Quest of the Legends (ch. 3, extra 3)

-when Charmander is explaining his past... that part can be made longer, or more tone-emphasized...

-Eevee again... -_-; These things are absolutely everywhere. But it's alright... just wanted to rant a little about it.

-the Agreement extra was a bit odd... I personally didn't like it too much as it puts a COMPLETEL halt to the story, but whatever

-for the extra 3, you probably should have stayed away from using "I" back there... really strange and annoying to see that

-(don't know how to give marks for this one... relatively short, not that much happening and etc)

Frostweaver

Ancient + Prehistoric

Age 34
Male
Canada
Seen September 11th, 2016
Posted July 30th, 2016
8,246 posts
19.7 Years
@ Raven, Mechyena Saga

-everyone just have to love the beginning... angsty, interesting and it's an excellent use of shifting back and forth with the narrative. Conveys some great character trait too.

-err... I believe you need "had been hiding" instead of "hidden" there... so a little grammar error but meh... there's also some other grammar errors in terms of possessive pronouns went missing XD; But no big deal, as it didn't affect readability at all

-"every enemy has attacks" got some awkward diction there... O.o; also it clashes a bit with the tone and style of the previous mental notes

-harsh white lights... excellent diction along with foreshadowing

-doesn't the accent for Pokemon go "" instead? lol... but no matter

-if you used mum to start off, then keep it as mum and don't go back to "mother." Mother is so much colder in comparison to mum/mom. So it's a contradiction in terms of your tone... "father" was done nicely though. It shows the terrible relationship.

-the forest-city comparison was rather awkwardly worded...

-now another diction-contradiction... "this is the start of my life" should have been done in italics, like the lines back at the beginning of the story. Generally, the ending isn't as good as the beginning, as mostly diction contradictions leap around here and there. In comparison, the sentence structure isn't as beautiful as the beginning too.

-Now I actually liked the italic part (save for that one line, which I mentioned already.) So what if it's "corny?" These "corny beliefs" are part of the character, enforced on to her by her father. It's not the writer's fault if the characters got corny beliefs. So in my opinion, don't worry about it.

-spell checker cannot do everything... they pick out some very basic stuff. They do pick out spelling mistakes like "teh" and so on, but they can't pick out misuse of words. All it checks for is "hmm... does this sentence have a verb? Does it have a noun? Does the preposition fit? Does the verb agree with the noun?" That's all it does. Also, MSWord has a strong hatred for passive voice for some reason too...

-I'll do ch.2 another day... it's midnight already ^^;

Grammar Basics: 8/10
Plot/Character Basics: 19/20
Tone/Diction: 15/20
Writing Skills: 16/20
Effort/Originality: 25/30
Lit. Device bonus: +1 (foreshadow)

Total: 84

(And now, it is proven that this fanfic is indeed and certainly worthy of Fanfic of the Week... as all FotW work always scores a minimum of 80 or above on Frosty's marking scale.)

EDIT: Oh whatever let's do chapter 2 as well ^^

(ch.2)

-now I don't like it too... just like you. It's not as good as the first chapter. The mud and the bog are all "filler-plot." Yes they're interesting and they contribute to the plot, but in the long run, this event is rather unimportant and irrelevant. Raven's father is mentioned here, but it was rather extremely weak.

In Frosty's humble opinion, this scene was an excellent opportunity to reinforce what chapter 1 has started: Raven and her father. You could have reinforced the part about how Raven was reminded of her father when she was drowning in the bog. When she felt defeated (or weak, whatever), you can add in direct quotes from chapter 1 about how Raven's incompetent to her father's eyes (feel free to add in more lines for Raven's father in chapter 1 if necessary.) Let those stuff remind her how she cannot be looked down upon like that forever (similar to what you've done later in the chapter, when she just woke up after going out cold), giving her strength to get out of the bog and so on... The upside to this is that it adds motifs and symbolism at the same time (mud/bog = father, and father's quotes now being motifs). The downside is that this is adding more angst...

-now Raven's memory of her mom... (same thing like last time, diction of mom vs mother.) This part can also be abused to show the weaker, softer side of Raven.

-"that's it" means "that is it." You need "that was it" though. This means a tense problem. Watch out for these kind of things which MSWord cannot pick out.

-I thought that Raven defeating her father would be much lengthier than this... It was such a controversial and important scene too... ._.; Oh well. A *lot* can be done there... right now it isn't bad, but I'm just saying how that scene got huge potential to make the story even better. Another possibility is to just cut off this chapter at Raven's realization that one of those hunters is her father, for a cliffhanger effect.

Grammar Basics: 8/10
Plot/Character Basics: 16/20
Tone/Diction: 15/20
Writing Skills: 15/20
Effort/Originality: 25/30
Lit. Device bonus: +1 (flashback)

Total: 80


EDIT #2: Still too tired and depressed to sleep... let's just keep reading.


@ Pocket Monsters Chronicles

-an overused title... is never the best thing. However, seems like the title is not something that can be changed due to its sentimental value... ok let's move on then. This is THE reason why this fanfic failed at fanfiction.net. Fanfiction.net requires an extremely creative title, along with an excellent 3 line summary. (that's why forums beat fanfiction.net in this category, but fanfiction.net got the best readability due to the way it's setup in comparison to a forum.)

-not a criticism, but a comment: I never believe in promises about "this is no ordinary OT fanfic people, so please keep reading." A fanfic can start OT yet remain interesting, because the writing style will show by itself. If you're really good at your writing, you don't need crummy sayings like that, and your readers will automatically be hooked.

-lol... I'm not afraid to review. I'm just afraid that you may die because of my reviews XD

-now I prefer those cultural notes placed at the end of an act. Even though that may not sound logical at first, it does prevent the spoilers that's given due to the cultural notes. Before I even read, I already know part of what's to come, and can probably guess the setting accurately. Personally, I prefer the cultural notes to come after, at the end of an act.

-just a quick note: "chapters" do not exist for a scripts. It's an "act." (a "FYI") haha... someone who challenges the extreme difficulty of a scriptfic... this I must see.

-scripts do not require " " punctuation, for everything is expected to be dialogues anyway.

-the narrator speaks, and a narration cannot.

-the "character info spam" wasn't that nice... I didn't really like it. The tone didn't fit too well with the opening lines of "o pass the time, I've decided to chronicle my recent events, all the interesting things that have occured with me lately." Those lines build up angst, and readers suddenly expect something serious coming, and then we suddenly get blood types and year of the setting?

-YES! Finally someone who knows the proper way on how to write settings in a scriptfic! *pat*

-in a script format fanfic, the name of the speakers have to remain consistent. You started off with "narration," and you can't change "narration" to "Hiro (narration)" suddenly like that...

-Hiro is talking about his past, so it should read "but that class WAS..." There are other similiar mistakes too.

-hehe... the only time and place where character description can be spammed like that... well done on Chris and Hiro's sisters. However, I wasn't exactly too happy to see that only Chris and Sakura really made an appearance in this act. Perhaps you can save the descriptions about the other sisters when they make an appearance in future acts.

-*reads the poll* well I'm not a SPP member so can't vote there... but I personally don't mind the manga/anime qualities in this fanfic. It adds to the originality, and it contributes to your own person writing style as well.

-Great amount of effort is shown through the realistic descriptions of life in Japan, along with accurate and detailed background information provided. Format is interesting, and writing style is rather original. Though slightly lacking in terms of plot while the speed of the act was rather slow, this is a good act nevertheless, and is a good start for what seems to be a promising scriptfic.

-notice: marking system changed due to the fact that this is a script-fic. Also, marks are given out a bit easier in comparison to the narrative-fanfics, because you can't possibly earn lit.device bonus in a scriptfic.


Grammar Basics: 9/10
Plot/Character Basics: 8/10, omit/10 (plot omitted for this act)
Tone: 12/15
Stage Directions: 8/10
Camera Setting: 4/5
Writing Skills: 17/20
Effort/Originality: 18/20

Total: 76/90, => 84/100
Age 33
Female
In the soup dragon's cavern.
Seen November 13th, 2009
Posted October 27th, 2009
37 posts
18.6 Years
O.O

Wow! 84 and 80?!

*is on the edge of fainting*

I'm going to have to go back and work on chapter two now, what with that high score AND being Fanfiction of the week. I'm amazed...

Also, your mention of diction and the italic text at the beginning of chapter one has given me some ideas for the end. It was originally meant to be reserved for her father's battle comments, but I think that can be changed.

In Frosty's humble opinion, this scene was an excellent opportunity to reinforce what chapter 1 has started: Raven and her father. You could have reinforced the part about how Raven was reminded of her father when she was drowning in the bog. When she felt defeated (or weak, whatever), you can add in direct quotes from chapter 1 about how Raven's incompetent to her father's eyes (feel free to add in more lines for Raven's father in chapter 1 if necessary.) Let those stuff remind her how she cannot be looked down upon like that forever (similar to what you've done later in the chapter, when she just woke up after going out cold), giving her strength to get out of the bog and so on... The upside to this is that it adds motifs and symbolism at the same time (mud/bog = father, and father's quotes now being motifs). The downside is that this is adding more angst...
I actually hadn't thought of that at all, when I wrote all of the chapters up to six (or was it five...? Gah ><) it was just soemthing random that was just demanding that I write it down so none of it was planned. While I'm editting chapter two I'll concentrate on that, because I'd quite like to get in some more angst before it goes itno the "bubbly/cheery" stage I need to set up even later chapter.

Ah, I'll shut up before I confuse myself. Thanks for the review, frostweaver!


.:Touch my food, feel my fork:.
Twisted Hierarchy - Plague
Age 36
Seen February 14th, 2012
Posted February 1st, 2009
446 posts
18.7 Years
thanks a lot for the review, Frostweaver, but let me explain a few things.

-an overused title... is never the best thing. However, seems like the title is not something that can be changed due to its sentimental value... ok let's move on then. This is THE reason why this fanfic failed at fanfiction.net. Fanfiction.net requires an extremely creative title, along with an excellent 3 line summary. (that's why forums beat fanfiction.net in this category, but fanfiction.net got the best readability due to the way it's setup in comparison to a forum.)
Yeah, I kinda realize that. However, you should give some credit for the fact that "Pocket Monsters" is used in the title instead of "Pokemon", and admittedly, I don't see the word 'chronicles' too much, or at least not much compared to 'legends' or whatever. But anyway, you're right, it's kinda sentimental. As I mentioned, this was originally conceived by my little brother, and of course, he thought up the title (although, he did have "Pokemon Chronicles" back then, it was I who decided to use Japanese names in the story). I don't know why he used the title, I guess he just noticed the recent trend with Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles and Digimon Chronicles.

-not a criticism, but a comment: I never believe in promises about "this is no ordinary OT fanfic people, so please keep reading." A fanfic can start OT yet remain interesting, because the writing style will show by itself. If you're really good at your writing, you don't need crummy sayings like that, and your readers will automatically be hooked.
I'm just taking extra precautions. As you should know, trainer fics do have a pretty bad reputation, mainly for having overused plots and such. (Slight spoilers here) I'll admit that PMC does use a typical gym badge quest, but that's mainly something of a small side plot that's dropped completely later on (there's no way I'm having Hiro pull a Satoshi and go through Kanto and Houen after he finishes the Jouto league). PMC is written with anime or manga styling in mind, and as with most anime and manga, there're humble beginnings, but then huge dramatic climaxes and a very dark plot later on as the story progresses. I just don't want people to leave while the story is still at these humble beginnings.

-lol... I'm not afraid to review. I'm just afraid that you may die because of my reviews XD
By all means, be as friggin harsh as you could be. In the past, I didn't get much in reviews and criticism, and I constantly request people to do so, no matter how harsh they may be, because I'd appreciate hearing whatever criticism there is to help improve my own writing style.

-now I prefer those cultural notes placed at the end of an act. Even though that may not sound logical at first, it does prevent the spoilers that's given due to the cultural notes. Before I even read, I already know part of what's to come, and can probably guess the setting accurately. Personally, I prefer the cultural notes to come after, at the end of an act.
Well, in the past, I did have all the notes placed at the bottom, however, I changed it when I got to a particular chapter because I wanted to make the ending as much of a surprise as possible, and if people constantly scrolled down to learn which Pokemon is called what in Japan, they'd likely see the ending and be spoiled. However, I guess I could leave the Pokemon name comparisons at the top and all the cultural notes at the bottom.

-just a quick note: "chapters" do not exist for a scripts. It's an "act." (a "FYI") haha... someone who challenges the extreme difficulty of a scriptfic... this I must see.
Again, I must bring up PMC's origins. It was intended for doujinshi, and even in writing, I'm trying to substitute that as well as I can through scripting and detail. Manga does have 'chapters'.

-scripts do not require " " punctuation, for everything is expected to be dialogues anyway.
Yes, but I felt the punctuations necessary because I also listed actions for characters along with the quotes.

-the narrator speaks, and a narration cannot.
Actually, in manga, they do. Look at Cardcaptor Sakura for example.

-the "character info spam" wasn't that nice... I didn't really like it. The tone didn't fit too well with the opening lines of "o pass the time, I've decided to chronicle my recent events, all the interesting things that have occured with me lately." Those lines build up angst, and readers suddenly expect something serious coming, and then we suddenly get blood types and year of the setting?
I would've left out the chronicling thing completely, but I wanted to give some purpose to my brother's choice of titling. (Slight spoilers again) Besides, Hiro's only narrating up to a certain point. Afterwards, the story gets to the present time, and Hiro's adventure is still continuing. And about the year of setting, I figured now that I'm making use of the "Chronicles" title, I figured I could also give dates. As for blood types and astrological signs, they're just to make the character bios look more in-depth (and yeah, I've researched the blood types and signs to see if they appropriately fit the characters).

-YES! Finally someone who knows the proper way on how to write settings in a scriptfic! *pat*
Thank you very much. I try my best to counter all the bias that's given towards scripts.

-in a script format fanfic, the name of the speakers have to remain consistent. You started off with "narration," and you can't change "narration" to "Hiro (narration)" suddenly like that...
I didn't know that. When I did that, I just noticed the way RPGs have character names before quotes, and before a character's name is revealed, it's usually seen as "???:" or something. I think I'll stick to this, though, because I don't think it'd be a good idea to prematurely show names before they're officially stated in the story.

-Hiro is talking about his past, so it should read "but that class WAS..." There are other similiar mistakes too.
(Slight spoilers again) Well, Hiro's still in that class in the present time, but yeah, his opinion on Pokemon raising does change over time, so I should go back and correct that. As for these similar mistakes you speak of, forgive me, I forget characters a referring to the past sometimes.

-hehe... the only time and place where character description can be spammed like that... well done on Chris and Hiro's sisters. However, I wasn't exactly too happy to see that only Chris and Sakura really made an appearance in this act. Perhaps you can save the descriptions about the other sisters when they make an appearance in future acts.
Hiro was introducing his sisters before he made mention to the fact that they're very well-known people whom he's related to, thus resulting to his problems with his teacher, as well as other people. And yeah, I decided I'd describe their character because in past writings, these were extremely 2D characters (with the exception of Tamao, whom I always seemed to portray as sly), so I'd make up for that. Also, like Hiro says, they don't play a very huge role (at least up to where I last left off the story), so I figured I'd just make humor out of it with all the sisters collapsing like they do.

-*reads the poll* well I'm not a SPP member so can't vote there... but I personally don't mind the manga/anime qualities in this fanfic. It adds to the originality, and it contributes to your own person writing style as well.
I'll try asking a mod there to see if there's any possible way to make guests vote, but if it's not possible, then I guess I'll seperate the poll for each forum, and the fic will be posted differently in each forum depending how the poll resulted there.

-Great amount of effort is shown through the realistic descriptions of life in Japan, along with accurate and detailed background information provided. Format is interesting, and writing style is rather original. Though slightly lacking in terms of plot while the speed of the act was rather slow, this is a good act nevertheless, and is a good start for what seems to be a promising scriptfic.
Yeah, it seemed to progress very slowly, but I find it to be a major improvement over the last writing of the story. I managed to get in descriptions of many of the characters, not make Hiro's sisters and Chris appear as 2D as they had in the past, made Hiro himself not appear as 2D, etc. However, since this is a beginning chapter, introduction to characters would be a given, so later chapters wouldn't have that and would therefor progress at a much quicker rate.

Anyway, thanks a lot for giving such a well-done review, definitely the best review I've gotten ever since I began writing PMC. I'll admit, other reviewers have been much nicer, but I'm not looking for nice, I'm looking for details, I'm looking for criticism, and you failed to disappoint with that. And through it all, I got an 84/100 (though, actually a little more considering you add one ninth of 76, adding 8 would be a ninth of 72, but I can't blame you for rounding off). [Holds up fingers in "V for Victory"] Heh, not bad despite the bias towards both scripts and trainer fics.

Frostweaver

Ancient + Prehistoric

Age 34
Male
Canada
Seen September 11th, 2016
Posted July 30th, 2016
8,246 posts
19.7 Years
-there's actually a LOT of "___ chronicles" out there, especially "<name of trainer>'s chronicles" or "<name of a legendary, mainly Lugia>'s chronicles" out there. As for the Pocket Monster thing... lol I'll keep an eye out for Monster ball then. I personally don't mind it, but it's certainly worth pointing out. When you're posting on a forum, the first impression of a reader about your fanfic is the title, and if you want more readers, you will want an eye-catching title.

-don't confuse OT with "bad OT." I've read 2 very brilliant (sadly unfinished) work in OT. Both of them involves the ordinary new trainer getting a new Pokemon going through gyms, however, they still manage to be excellent OTs. One of them got a new idea about females (the setting was in the past) are forbidden to be trainers and the main character is forced to take the place of a trainer as a female despite how she didn't dare to go against the laws (due to certain reasons and events, she had to be a trainer and so on, which I won't talk about here) which was very interesting. The other one involves a guy who cannot get a starter from the professor due to certain reasons, and in the end took a Pokeball from a dead body as his "starter" Pokemon. They're all highly original, and both of them can immediately hook a reader into reading this "OT." So as you see, promises are really not necessary... I suppose that some are biased, but for my case, I've definitely seen some very well done OTs (or OT-satires XD)

-now a lot of your points are related to how this is originally a doujinshi, converted to a narrative fanfic, and then finally to the scriptfic it is now on PC. Yes I do understand that, however, that doesn't mean everything can be transferred over directly, even if all of them are similar. Those 3 objects got their own way of things which are unique to themselves. You're in colledge and will certainly experience this already... Write a history paper in the format of an English essay, and see if that works out. It really doesn't... somethings are just unique to that certain format, like how narratives emphasizes descriptions, while doujinshis and scriptfics do not, and etc.

-narrator is the speaker who talks directly to the readers. Narration are the things that a narrator says. This is again, something different between different styles. It's like how in math a "ray" is different from the normal english definition of a "ray," and a "ray" in science is certainly different from both math and english.

-regarding the punctuation, you can just keep using the brackets like the way you are now for stage directions. That is actually the proper format for it. All brackets inside a script is meant to be a stage direction.

-actually I can kind of get where you got the thing about Hiro's sisters. I can easily imagine this as another carry-over from the doujinshi version. Now when you're reading/viewing pictures (anime or doujinshi), things fly through a lot faster, so that's why character profiles like this are ok. It really doesn't take that much time for your viewers/readers to absorb the info. However, when it gets to words, your reader will probably take at least 4 times the time required to absorb the same amount of info, because words can't work its way as quickly as pictures can. This time delay is what makes this acceptable on a doujinshi, but not that good on paper and in words. This is also the reasoning for why this act seems to be progressively slow too. This pace will be completely alright for a doujinshi, but when it comes to words, it is 4x slower, making it lag a little bit. Personally I don't mind it as it's still acceptable to me, but *many* other reviewers emphasizes the speed of the plot as an important element in a story.

-hmm I don't find any problems with Hiro being 2D really... I thought that he was just fine.

-Oh I was never a nice person to begin with. I'm THE member with the lowest reputation in comparison to everyone else who joined at the same time as me. ^_^ Too many red blocks XD In team rates for the game section or fanfic reviews, I'm just as brutal and cruel. So sick and tired of "review spam" that says nothing but "oh great job keep writing" or things like that... I'll let all the other people say those nice stuff, while I myself says the ugly.

-lol... 80+ mark in my book is already a very good fanfic that's worth reading, while a 90+ is just heavenly. XD I mark *hard* and you better believe it. =)

*points at all of his older reviews that score 60s, and some even 50s, and they only got 50 because the effort/originality section saved their butt... ha!*


Anyway... a review now.


@ Life of a Trainer (ch.1)


-once again, not the most original title... that can be problematic in terms of attracting readers' attention.

-again, just like for PMC, I never believe in promises... if your writing skill is good, it will show, OT or not. Also, don't expect an equally good review just because other reviewers have given you a good mark. I *AM* cruel, and you better keep that in mind.

-excellent promising dictions are shown in the first sentence of the prologue... certainly well chosen and well done.

-some punctuation problems that should have been caught by MSWord (it was a misuse of commas and periods...) hmm don't know what happened there.

-now the red robe clashes with the chair and the pyjama/slipper setting... a bit of a contradiction in terms of diction here.

-"was quite huge" got some awkward wording... and the "mind you" afterward isn't really that good to me. I never liked the narrator talking to the reviewers like that unless it's crucial, or is important for the development of the plot.

-now I tried to reread the paragraph over and over again to figure out what you're trying to say, but I just fail to pick up anything special about this line:

" It had golden statues of rare Pokmon and some golden Rhydon statues."

It is definitely important somehow, due to the careful sentence structure... Mind if you explain this one for me? Sorry but I am a bit too stupid to get this one... ._.;

-now when professor Oak starts talking to "someone"... that part... eww. I really didn't like how he is talking to "someone" when there is "no one" there in this particular tone... It really clashes with the atmospheres that you've established earlier in the prologue.

-"I made a darn good story here" again clashes with the character traits that you've contributed to the professor earlier. This isn't a blue-trait...

-Not really a problem, but it is just a bit strange to me how the story is described to be so old, yet we have our heroes from the anime still being so youthful. I'll have to see the future chapters to decide rather or not this is ok or not.

-Not much to say... it's not a very revealing prologue, and it gives the story a slow paced start. Though dictions are generally ok, the occassional diction contradictions really take away a lot from the story, especially since there is nothing much about the prologue except for these dictions to look for. Sentence structure for some sentences is so awkward, and it doesn't seem to be on purpose too unlike the first beginnig sentence. I'll admit that this mark is rather inaccurate. There's just not enough things to give marks for.

Grammar Basics: 7/10
Plot/Character Basics: OMIT/20
Tone/Diction: 13/20
Writing Skills: 13/20
Effort/Originality: 23/30
Lit. Device bonus: +0

Total: 56/80, => 70/100
Age 36
Seen February 14th, 2012
Posted February 1st, 2009
446 posts
18.7 Years
I may be in college, but I'm not in history nor English at the moment. This semester all I'm taking is Japanese 1 and... [shudders]... human anatomy...

Anyway, I can see a lot of the problems stem from the descriptions trying to make this seem like a doujinshi, however, I intend to keep those no matter what. For one thing, I'm too used to the notion that this was originally a manga to describe it in any other way. Secondly, I didn't really approve of most of what I wrote when I did the narrative. Quite often, I'd find I was just writing characters passing lines back and forth between eachother, and I ran out of any synonyms to 'he/she said' during most of those. Besides, I'd still describe things as if the reader was looking at a manga. The only reason I was doing a narrative in the first place was because Serebii wouldn't allow them, and it's not until later that I find out that they are indeed allowed so long as they're good. If I had my facts straight from the start, I would have always wrote in a script format because, well, script just seem like the best way to describe manga in writing, and about the only way I can get it even more manga-like in detail would be if I actually list out pages and panels, sound FX, etc., but doing that would take forever.

I realize the harsh truth that what I'm doing isn't a manga, and the only way it actually would be is if me or my brother drew it and were able to scan it, which we're not (as I said, we couldn't get a scanner to work, and I don't have great artistic abilities anyway and I think my brother's just plain lazy by now). However, I'm still trying to make it as manga-like as possible, even though it's written, because that's simply what I see PMC was always intended for. I didn't like most of my own writing when PMC was a narrative, and if the author itself wouldn't approve, then obviously it wouldn't be fit for such a format. Now that it's in a script format, though, I like my own writing much better because it's several times closer to the originally-intended format. Plus, writing the way I do also gives me the added bonus of seeming more, well, unique from other writers.

Anyway, I'm curious, what fics (or single chapters) have you reviewed thus far that would be in this 90s range you speak of?

Oh, one last thing, I went and editted my chapter so the name notes are before the chapter, but the cultural notes are at the bottom of the post.

Dragonfree

Teh Spwriter. :3

Age 33
Female
Iceland
Seen February 9th, 2020
Posted November 28th, 2012
1,290 posts
19.1 Years
Heh, Eevee. The two things kept absolutely intact from the very first version are the title and the Pokmon caught, and both are distinctively clichd compared to most of the rest. But unlike the title, they won't ever be changed, because I love my characters. *hugs... ahem, certain character from chapter ten*
~Butterfree/Dragonfree/antialiasis of The Cave of Dragonflies

Still not going to sprite for your fangame. Sorry, but I don't really sprite or give out permission for people to use my fake Pokémon anymore.

Frostweaver

Ancient + Prehistoric

Age 34
Male
Canada
Seen September 11th, 2016
Posted July 30th, 2016
8,246 posts
19.7 Years
Well... I only did the rating thing rather recently... only Reflections really got a 90+ However, there are some other Pokemon fanfics worth reading...

-Reflections
-Forgiving Tears

Both of them are on PC, by our dearest mod LilyPichu ^^ Both of them are extremely deep, with well usage of various literatary devices to help the story. Rather simple at first glance, but re-read it over a *several* times and you'll see that the *actual *meaning of the story is very deep and well thought out.

-Anything by Brian on ffnet is good... but then too bad his account magically disappeared and I can't find any of his work ;_; All of those Pokemon romance stories are lovely... all of them! All 40 of them!

-Farla's "Ice" on ffnet is also good... it is probably even better if I'm a more hardcore Pokemon fanfic reviewer, long enough to know what that story is alluding to O.o; It's suppose to be related to another fanfic according to some others' reviews of that story, but I don't know what or where it is... >>;

-"Against the Rules, Against the Odds" and "Tangled Webs" (both on ffnet) are 2 OTs which the most unique start ever... worth reading just to see how some OT fanfic can be so creative.

-"Pokemon MASTER" by good old Acey... plot = heavenly... also the first dark Pokemon fanfic in existence. He was the one who started the entire trend 6 years ago.
Dark bowels of Maryland
Seen January 12th, 2006
Posted January 12th, 2006
1,383 posts
19.7 Years
Oh god, FARLA got mentioned here. Even though I never read it, someone told me that her Pokemon Revolution story put fighting types in a bad light (they were kileld just because they obeyed humans). Oh yes, she's SUCH a Pokemon lover to have a bias against a single type. Plus she has, like, 90 + short stories of what appears to be angst. Sorry, I just get tired of seeing people on ff.net go "Farla is the queen of Pokemon fics!" and "This poem about the legendary birds being abused is dedicated to Farla!" Anyone who loves canine pokes and hates fighters is my enemy, no questions asked.

Hrm... should I re-post my main fic, "Guilty by Design"? It was fanfic of the week before.

Frostweaver

Ancient + Prehistoric

Age 34
Male
Canada
Seen September 11th, 2016
Posted July 30th, 2016
8,246 posts
19.7 Years
Oh god, FARLA got mentioned here. Even though I never read it, someone told me that her Pokemon Revolution story put fighting types in a bad light (they were kileld just because they obeyed humans). Oh yes, she's SUCH a Pokemon lover to have a bias against a single type. Plus she has, like, 90 + short stories of what appears to be angst. Sorry, I just get tired of seeing people on ff.net go "Farla is the queen of Pokemon fics!" and "This poem about the legendary birds being abused is dedicated to Farla!" Anyone who loves canine pokes and hates fighters is my enemy, no questions asked.

Hrm... should I re-post my main fic, "Guilty by Design"? It was fanfic of the week before.
lol... I didn't like all of her stories/shorts. I just liked Ice the most. It's not just fighting types that are killed, but a WHOLE LOT of stuff that's killed in her stories, ranging from human beings, raichus, Lugia (pretty much "dead" the way she put it), and many, many things. Ice is actually away from her usual "Pokemon obey human" and various issues related to that theme, and i like it myself...

Guilty by Design...? I've never read it yet... >>;

(And certainly glad to see you again Iveechan ^^; )
Dark bowels of Maryland
Seen January 12th, 2006
Posted January 12th, 2006
1,383 posts
19.7 Years
Yeah, glad to see you too :D. Even though I acted indifferent in your farewell thread, I was peeved because, even if we don't agree on a lot of stuff, I still respect you. I'll probably think on it for awhile, read over it 5 million times for errors, then re-post it.

Frostweaver

Ancient + Prehistoric

Age 34
Male
Canada
Seen September 11th, 2016
Posted July 30th, 2016
8,246 posts
19.7 Years
Yeah, glad to see you too :D. Even though I acted indifferent in your farewell thread, I was peeved because, even if we don't agree on a lot of stuff, I still respect you. I'll probably think on it for awhile, read over it 5 million times for errors, then re-post it.
lol... thanks? Though I'm still back here in PC, the old old Frosty. I've lost all but my memories in this place, yet it is through this place that lead me to what maybe the most important realization for me... but then enough about the whole Kairi/Me issue.

Then again, yes I am back, but it probably won't be too long before someone gives me a ban due to the things inside the gameboy strategy forum XD But then, no regrets at all if I did get ban from that. ^^

Yes indeed we've argued against each other more than agreeing on something (if we've ever agreed on something XD). But still, at least you aren't mindlessly argueing? ^^; And I'll certainly look forward to your story to review too *evil grin*