Fanfiction Lounge Page 54

Started by ^^NICK^^ v.2.0 September 6th, 2003 7:57 PM
  • 882196 views
  • 15269 replies
Age 36
Seen February 14th, 2012
Posted February 1st, 2009
446 posts
18.7 Years
Yes popularity is quite annoying at times... especially in contests like that. =/ But then again... I read the 12 chapters of PMC, and I personally won't nominate Kiryuu for the best antagonist either in a contest for the Best Pokemon Fanfic Antagonist.
hmmm.... good point. I like him so much, but only I as the author knows what he does in the future, what his background is, how he develops, etc. As it stands, readers are probably getting the impression that he's a totally perfect Gary Stuish character, only he's an antagonist instead of a protagonist. He is very strong and extremely intelligent, a better strategist than several humans for that matter, several traits which are surprising for a common Pokemon to have, and I needed to make that first impression somehow, to let everyone know what kind of enemy Hiro and Eievui could be dealing with. I also didn't want his first defeat to be near as pathetic, unrealistic, and rushed as I had it in the old version. Still, there's no excuse for the lame amount of nominations I got in that contest. You'd think, at the very least, I'd be a shoe-in the "Most Original Author" category, but the one person who nominates me didn't even do that.

Speaking of the old version, remember earlier when I brought up making a thread for it? Should I do that? Am I even allowed to do that? It may seem embarassing as hell for me, but it would be interesting for people to see how much I progressed in terms of story-telling, and how..... different.... it is for me to attempt a narrative. This should also hold everyone over until my college classes end next week. There won't be any spoilers, since I'll be posting old chapters coinciding with the events of the current chapters' revisions. Again, I'm asking if such a thread would even be acceptable before I attempt this.
Is there a Treeland? If so, there.
Seen March 13th, 2013
Posted April 22nd, 2011
454 posts
18.7 Years
Well, not all the winners of the awards at that "certain forum" were overrated. Some fics were good like Dragonfree's (I closet read a few chapters :P ) and Lileh's one-shots... Lileh won right? o_O;

It's always like every ten pages that my "famousness" at ff.net appears in this thread somehow lol. Those silly little Ru/Sa writers... I'd use to love it when they'd use my characters in their own fics and when I'd get flames via e-mail because the person was too chicken to post on my review board. Let us not forget them crazy hoennshippers!

Good times. :) I think my rep at ff.net has died a bit though. 'Course, I wouldn't really know how everyone else thinks of me anyways.
Age 33
Philippines.
Seen April 8th, 2012
Posted April 9th, 2010
1,331 posts
18.3 Years
It's always like every ten pages that my "famousness" at ff.net appears in this thread somehow lol. Those silly little Ru/Sa writers... I'd use to love it when they'd use my characters in their own fics and when I'd get flames via e-mail because the person was too chicken to post on my review board. Let us not forget them crazy hoennshippers!

Good times. :) I think my rep at ff.net has died a bit though. 'Course, I wouldn't really know how everyone else thinks of me anyways.
........... yeah, but I think you still have loads of fans there, your fanfic even gets plagerized....

I know how plagerization feels.... and I can still find it even today......

Spriting done by me. Don't be stealing. ;x
Click on the link to go to Mikoto's fanlisting.
GPXPlus Profile | Other Links

Casual Billy

Wargreymon: Miracle Mega

Seen May 12th, 2006
Posted December 29th, 2005
217 posts
18.2 Years
Who doesn't love the weekend? Nobody, that's who! Start your weekend off right by reading a freshly squeezed (as of like 3 months ago) chapter of Everybody's (My friend, Everybody) favorite fic, Worlds Away! Look for a quote in my sig in a couple of minutes.

Chapter 10 is up! A quote from 9 is in the sig.
convo snip-it of the moment:

billy5772: not worth responding to
anonymous: You responded though.
anonymous: Thumbs up for flawless logic.
billy5772: so. i can do things not worth doing, can't I?
billy5772: case in point: i talk to you all the time
(billy5772 is an alternate screen name of mine)

Dragonfree

Teh Spwriter. :3

Age 33
Female
Iceland
Seen February 9th, 2020
Posted November 28th, 2012
1,290 posts
19.1 Years
*hides from SPPf awards complaints*

Err... well, I think the spirit is kinda different. In here, I tend not to get any reviews for most of my chapters - at the Serebiiforums, I have like two pages of replies per chapter. (Might have to do with the fact that I'm a mod there, but...) But there my one-shots tend to be very overlooked (and I jealously watch one-shots by for example Spectreon get five pages of replies while my newest one-shot only gets one). My one-shots usually get a few replies here... it's like people read shorter fics more and longer fics less here or something. Dunno...
~Butterfree/Dragonfree/antialiasis of The Cave of Dragonflies

Still not going to sprite for your fangame. Sorry, but I don't really sprite or give out permission for people to use my fake Pokémon anymore.

Casual Billy

Wargreymon: Miracle Mega

Seen May 12th, 2006
Posted December 29th, 2005
217 posts
18.2 Years
I think that there is just a general lack of reviewers all together. The people that populate the fanfic forum here at PC are like all writers (that's what it seems like) and there are only like two reviewers (that I know of). I don't know, that's probably the reason that most peoples' fics don't get reviewed much or at all.
convo snip-it of the moment:

billy5772: not worth responding to
anonymous: You responded though.
anonymous: Thumbs up for flawless logic.
billy5772: so. i can do things not worth doing, can't I?
billy5772: case in point: i talk to you all the time
(billy5772 is an alternate screen name of mine)

Frostweaver

Ancient + Prehistoric

Age 34
Male
Canada
Seen September 11th, 2016
Posted July 30th, 2016
8,246 posts
19.7 Years
In theory, writers will also be "forced" to review others if they want to be reviewed and gain popularity. You also have to review other people's work in order for other people to have heard of your name. Also, you are "forced" to read others' work in order to improve your own writing, or to look for inspiration and so on. Sadly, post count hunters use fanfic forum as an easy way to mine off the numbers sometimes...

As for the "Green forum," they have a much bigger population, which means that a lot of fanfics are being published/updated every day. With so much fanfics, you can't possibly read them on. So you go by popularity, and look for names of famous authors who are rather promising in their quality of their work. It's rather understandable why that happens. In PC, it's more likely that less known authors get reviews because there's less choices to choose from, so readers can use the time to read fanfics by some less known writers as well. As for the length issue, there are tricks to determine when to update in order to get the most out of it.


@ Pocket Monster Chronicles ch. 7-12, Yamato-san

-k not going to do it by quotes as I think you're well enough to know what to look out for if I just point it out... it'll take too long ^^;

-a few titles can stand to use some change... there's a few of them that aren't so effective, and kinda blend. They don't exactly have the japanese Pokemon anime/manga title style either...

-Pro. Elm (or whatever his japanese name is O.o; )'s character is quite well done, except that when he questions Hiro about his Hiro taking Pokemon classes, his character "slipped" there as Elm suddenly lost all sense of his quickness and awareness to his observations... or maybe there was a sudden "lag" for him to recall how Hiro failed to use a Monster ball... that scenario there seemed to make Elm's character a bit inconsistent... slightly

-a few things end up being repeated due to the nature that this fanfic is trying a "bit" too hard to sound like a manga-in-text. For example, Hiro's clumsiness regarding the Monster ball seems to be rather repetitive. Hiro usually says something about it, then the almost exact same thing is being told to the readers again through stage direction. Preferably, Hiro's narration can be shortened in order to save some lines and leave the stage direction to do the description, instead of the whole thing being repeated side by side.

-The battles in PMC is just not as appealing as your other oneshot that I read before... The battle of Kiryuu and the other trainers isn't as thrilling as Sabonea's battle in your other oneshot. In here, it's just offensive attack vs offensive attack. In the other battle, the trainers are battling very realistically with many strategical moves, such as taking advantage of the terrain or supportive moves. Though it's understood that the trainers (who are suppose to be weak at battling, such as Hiro) uses pure offensive moves, the battle can be a lot better if the expert (Kiryuu) of the battle uses a mixture of various attacks in order to achieve an ultimate result in the battle. Pure offensive moves after offensive moves tend to get a bit boring.

-I'll personally think that you're being quite cautious to the point of slightly being paranoid about Hiro's character. Readers understand that Hiro is rather confused on his close attachment to Pokemon, as Hiro questions himself about it. However, it is also understood that this question will linger in his mind, unsolved, until some further events happen along the way. Therefore, there isn't really a need to repeat the same thinking process time after time for 3 chapters, or at least not in such details again in the later chapters. Right now it's slowing down your story a bit.

-very minor grammar problems, but they don't cause much of a problem at all

Good Points
-correct script format
-original way to start an OT
-humor

Future Improvements
-make battles more diverse in attack types
-reduce lag in story
-chapter titles

Title: 4/5
Grammar Basics: 10/10
Coherence/Readability: 10/10
Characterization: 17/20
Story Structure: 11/15
Tone/Atmosphere: 14/15
Diction: 18/20
Effort/Originality: 15/15
Lit. Device bonus: +1 (tension release)


total: 90

Frostweaver

Ancient + Prehistoric

Age 34
Male
Canada
Seen September 11th, 2016
Posted July 30th, 2016
8,246 posts
19.7 Years
@ Four Friends to a New Beginning ch.1, Avegaille Spellman

-clich title that will definitely scare readers away... it spells "OT" all over it, which generally repels readers. It's possibly too revealing as well. By default you know that "well it must be a story of 4 friends starting their own Pokemon adventure and then on to the badges." Even if this isn't the truth, the readers take it by default, and won't bother to click on this story to read it then.

It may seem that time had passed
be sure to be consistent on your verb tenses. Choose between past and present, and stick with one.

-*long cultural lesson alert*

possibly a misleading allusion/symbolism by naming your character's last name as "amethyst," which not only means a pretty purple colored stone but usually demonic/pagan, or unholy in nature. Amethyst means "remedy for intoxication" and some cults/religion used amethyst gems as a mean for treatment against diseases in the past, and such an act is considered "demonic" by the Catholic church, which influences the development of the English language and this is stuck with us today. In fact, any purple gems or stones aren't the most righteous in the old Catholic church, with has indirectly instructed our language to think in the same way. Since your writing's audiences are mostly from the western world, you may also have to put their tradition into account when you're dealing with anything that's possibly symbolic in nature. This is also the reason why if we have some oriental or Australian readers coming across this name, they'll consider the last name as totally suitable and fine. You must consider cultural background when you're writing.

She had short black hair and wore an orange T-shirt, a white hooded jacket and a black skirt.
It's good that you're inserting character development. Now we'll take it to the next level to go beyond acceptable level of fanfic writing. Don't do this anymore. Don't insert a whole paragraph or sentence of nothing but physical character descriptions. Always insert a bit of action verbs in order to keep the story flowing, or else the story seems to come to a stop at a "sidetrack." Physical descriptions should always be accompanied by some action verbs in order to reduce the boring aspect of physical description. Same thing applies to the later characters' entrance as well. Also, it is advices that you don't throw out every aspect of the characters' physical description at once as well. Chop it up and feed it to your readers bit by bit throughout the story, instead of all at the beginning.

Well, okay, then, Avegaille murmured out as she stood up. Ill see you some other time then.
A difficult thing to avoid, but do try your best. Here "then" is repeated here, and it sounds boring in terms of diction to use the same word so frequently.

Moving on literally!
Understood that the pun is meant to be humorous, but at the same time you suddenly switched the story from 3rd narrative to 1st narrative for just 3 words, then back to 3rd narrative again... Don't switch narrative unless it's very important. Switching narratives have a dramatic effect on your story, and it can work both ways...

-some dialogues give you a really anime-feeling... in writings, some parts can be summarized and condensed as part of the narration, instead of forcing your characters to say everything, such as those "goodbyes" type of thing... condense your writing to have the least amount of words as you can in order to reduce length.

-just a note: "May Maples" is a common mistake in terms of "official" last names, similar to "Misty Waterflowers." It is just that the dubbers are saying things a bit too fast and it turned out similar to Maples when the judge of the Pokemon Competition is trying to say something else... Then some fanfic writers take that last name for May (just like what happened to Misty) and then everyone other writer copies and follow... o.o; just a note... it's fine to use that last name but it's NOT OFFICIAL >>;

-if you're trying to use the May from the anime for your May, then she isn't wearing a "white miniskirt" over her biker shorts. It's just a t-shirt of some kind that's not tucked in, or possibly the end of her red shirt is white... it's awfully too small to be even a miniskirt o.o;

-have no idea what's with the latias part...

He was currently being attacked by more than one Zigzagoon.
By not just say "attacked by a few Zigzagoons"? Try to be as fluent in your narration as possible. Hiring beta readers or proof read multiple amount of times will help.

-the battle was rather quick and short... It's similar to the anime where the hero/ine's Pokemon are invincible and one attack wipes out the opponent before they can do much of anything...

-the story is generally lacking in terms of emotional character development... the most we got out of is May being the devious one out of the four. The other three share the flawless personality which shouldn't exist at all. It makes your story feel like an anime production even more than it is already, and any fanfic that has the Pokemon-anime-style cannot possibly be a very good fanfic. Distance yourself from the anime as much as possible. Definitely and again, avoid "flawless characters."

-heavy giveaways are also not recommanded... if the readers are able to predict the outcome of the story early on, why bother reading on until the end? The story gives off heavy hints in terms of who's going to be with who in the future, set in stone... *Generally* romances in action/adventure fanfics come either instanteously, or gradually... in between of nowhere is not a good thing. (note: generally means that there are exceptions to the rule, but it's definitely very difficult to do so, and for now I'll recommand you to follow the general writing guides first)

-I'll stop off at chapter 1 as there's more than enough to work on until the next review already. As for the prediction from me before I start reading that this is definitely going to be an OT fanfic, I guess it's fulfilled then ^^; Therefore, the title must have been too revealing, and too much of a cliche, stereotypical OT.

Good Points
-beginning of character developments
-beginning of descriptions
-grammar are mostly correct

Future Improvements
-emotional character descriptions
-fix "OT errors"
-be more original; stay away from being "anime-style"

Title: 2/5
Grammar Basics: 9/10
Coherence/Readability: 9/10
Characterization: 8/20
Story Structure: 6/15
Tone/Atmosphere: 7/15
Diction: 8/20
Effort/Originality: 10/15
Lit. Device bonus: +0


total: 59
Age 36
Seen February 14th, 2012
Posted February 1st, 2009
446 posts
18.7 Years
and through all of it, I still scored a 90 ^^.

Yeah, I'm not really certain on Hiro's character development at the moment, and I did feel I was repeating too much of it at times (and you're still gonna see this in the next few chapters). He's supposed to go from a person who was attached to his life at home to a guy who gains some interest in Pokemon, but I'm trying to make some effort to develop him as such without making it seem.... well, I'm still waiting to see if making a seperate thread for the old version's acceptable, but if you look at it, you'll see what I mean about not making seem like that. But right now, I'd consider my script to be a rough draft. I still intend to make this a doujinshi in the future, and I would like to finalize my storyline and dialogue as best I could by then. Any advice on his development would be greatly appreciated.

What do you mean by Pokemon anime/manga style? Are you suggesting I should be having "Vs. ???" like in Pocket Monsters Special? Or double titles like the anime? I don't know if you realize this, but I'm not going for a Pocket Monsters style in general, just a traditional manga chapter titling. Notice that in manga, there usually aren't double titles very often (like several anime are accustomed to doing). Also, the title manages to be basic, just briefly stating what the chapter is based around, very rarely being a pun.

All things considered, the bout with Kiryuu was pretty much the first battle in the series, and as I stated before, I am trying to portray him as a tough opponent. I figured I'd make it kinda basic stuff. There are gonna be several more battles throughout the story, that's a given, and several of those will use some heavy forms of strategy, some of which (the extremely important ones namely) I've had planned out in my head for a long time. For that matter, I do believe I already managed to think outside the box in finding a method to defeat Merriep in a recent chapter.
Bittertown
Seen September 2nd, 2009
Posted December 28th, 2008
7,901 posts
19.7 Years
*sigh*

And popularity goes well...

A sub mediocre poem gets "good job" and "it's deep" (Geez, now way is it deep!) while my poem in the poetry forum gets 2 comments... This place... argh... I'm tempted to close it... but I'm sure there's no reason for that... geez...

Pocket Monsters Special!

Frostweaver

Ancient + Prehistoric

Age 34
Male
Canada
Seen September 11th, 2016
Posted July 30th, 2016
8,246 posts
19.7 Years
lol... for the first time i glanced at the poem, and they are indeed... "not too good." =p (YAY LET'S CAP half THE POEM FOR EMPHASIS purposes, WITH random UNDERLINES!!!!) >>;

But then again all those review pages are accumulation from the same 2 or 3 people continously posting, so not sure if it actually counts as popular ^^;



@ Chains, by Dragonfree

It raised its head again, its blank, colorless eyes meeting her big, deep green ones.
Probably a semicolon should be used after again instead of the comma.

... very unattractive. The skeletal look of the starved body, the bulgy fingers
After attractive, I "think" that a colon should be used there instead of the period... not sure if I'm right with the correction, but I'm certain that this needs to be changed.

The creature stared emptily at the flood of whitish-blond hair that flowed down her back.
This one the readers aren't too clear about just whose whitish-blond hair is the narration talking about? Though the readers eventually will understand that it's Mary (provided that they know the full feature of a Mewtwo), the readers still have to do a lot of work into figuring such a simple fact out. There definitely needs to be more clarity here.

-now for the sake of motif, i'll recommand you to choose either "raise" or "life" and stick with one only for the purpose of reinforcing this symbol... it's a great one, but it can be even greater if the diction is consistent

-watch out for having incomplete sentences... if it's a clause of a sentence, let it join with another sentence.

Yes, he told himself, the world was better when Mewtwo was chained in a secured chamber to die.
one of those tricky moments... this line reflects the man's thoughts, and therefore the verbs in this line should be in present tense actually. It's like in a dialogue you almost always use only present tenses...

-only problem is perhaps the name chosen... "Mary" is a very debatable name rather if it's a suitable name for the girl or not. Though we do think of Virgin Mary who is associated with kindness and holiness always, there's some great evils out there such as Bloody Mary who's associated with the name. The name "mary" itself in meaning is equally vague, meaning either "sea of bitterness" or "love" (talk about extremes...) The girl plays a vitally important role for this story, and the name definitely has to be less vague in terms of what she is suppose to symbolize... Name plays a very important role in terms of symbols. For example, the dubbers of Pokemon made a brilliant choice to call the leader of Team Rocket "Giovanni," meaning "of the wolves." (and wolves are always evil in terms of symbols)

-some of the other mistakes exist and the other reviewers pointed them out already

Most errors are related to grammatical mistakes, otherwise this fanfic is a great piece of work. Though disguised as a simple and direct fanfic, this very condensed story shows the author's viewpoints on some deep and fundamental aspects of today's world- including innocense, fear, understanding and forgiveness. Carefully structured with excellent story design, this story deserves great recognition among all Pokemon fanfics.

Good Points
-Unoriginal ideas reworked to be original once again
-Good usage of diction. Well done!
-Sigificant improvement in story structure

Focuses to Improve On
-Grammar, especially punctuations. For a writer at your rank, these things shouldn't exist on such a frequent basis.
-name choosing

Title: 5/5
Grammar Basics: 7/10
Coherence/Readability: 9/10
Characterization: 20/20 {Excellent!}
Story Structure: 14/15
Tone/Atmosphere: 14/15
Diction: 18/20
Effort/Originality: 15/15
Lit. Device bonus: +5 (symbol, motif, theme, repetition, Mewtwo audio drama allusion)


total: 97 {STANDARD OF EXCELLENCE!}

-replaced "Sunset Beach" for Dragonfree's Standard of Excellence award winning fanfic

Dragonfree

Teh Spwriter. :3

Age 33
Female
Iceland
Seen February 9th, 2020
Posted November 28th, 2012
1,290 posts
19.1 Years
Probably a semicolon should be used after again instead of the comma.
I don't think so... if it were just "The creature raised its head again, its eyes meeting her deep green ones," it would have a comma, not a semicolon, so it doesn't seem like it would be a semicolon suddenly because there are a few more commas in the sentence... it doesn't sound right with a semicolon to me, at least the way it's structured now, but it would work as "The creature raised its head again; its blank, colorless eyes met her big, deep green ones."

After attractive, I "think" that a colon should be used there instead of the period... not sure if I'm right with the correction, but I'm certain that this needs to be changed.
Hmm, I don't think it would be right with a colon, but it doesn't really sound right this way either. I might change that a bit.

This one the readers aren't too clear about just whose whitish-blond hair is the narration talking about? Though the readers eventually will understand that it's Mary (provided that they know the full feature of a Mewtwo), the readers still have to do a lot of work into figuring such a simple fact out. There definitely needs to be more clarity here.
Yeah, probably. The creature/Mewtwo is always referred to as "it", though, so there is no other she in there.

-now for the sake of motif, i'll recommand you to choose either "raise" or "life" and stick with one only for the purpose of reinforcing this symbol... it's a great one, but it can be even greater if the diction is consistent
*is confused* Huh?

one of those tricky moments... this line reflects the man's thoughts, and therefore the verbs in this line should be in present tense actually. It's like in a dialogue you almost always use only present tenses...
It's not supposed to be his direct thoughts, though, really... it would have been if it had been in italics, but it wasn't...

-only problem is perhaps the name chosen... "Mary" is a very debatable name rather if it's a suitable name for the girl or not. Though we do think of Virgin Mary who is associated with kindness and holiness always, there's some great evils out there such as Bloody Mary who's associated with the name. The name "mary" itself in meaning is equally vague, meaning either "sea of bitterness" or "love" (talk about extremes...) The girl plays a vitally important role for this story, and the name definitely has to be less vague in terms of what she is suppose to symbolize... Name plays a very important role in terms of symbols. For example, the dubbers of Pokemon made a brilliant choice to call the leader of Team Rocket "Giovanni," meaning "of the wolves." (and wolves are always evil in terms of symbols)
Hmm, I never think that much about the names I give to people... any suggestions that would work better?


*is overall really flattered to have two Standards of Excellence*
~Butterfree/Dragonfree/antialiasis of The Cave of Dragonflies

Still not going to sprite for your fangame. Sorry, but I don't really sprite or give out permission for people to use my fake Pokémon anymore.
Age 30
Australia...jealous? XD
Seen April 18th, 2006
Posted August 18th, 2005
57 posts
18.2 Years
wow...is this about some sort of fic that someone wrote? i think i missed all of that...

^.^ I made that card...you steal, you die
Quadruplets with
Sapphire Crystal | Rinrei | Avegaille Spellman
[ Fan Fic | Xanga ]
Proud Member of the Advancedshipping Club
I own Brendan from the Bishie thread...mwa
Age 33
Philippines.
Seen April 8th, 2012
Posted April 9th, 2010
1,331 posts
18.3 Years
@ Four Friends to a New Beginning ch.1, Avegaille Spellman

-clich title that will definitely scare readers away... it spells "OT" all over it, which generally repels readers. It's possibly too revealing as well. By default you know that "well it must be a story of 4 friends starting their own Pokemon adventure and then on to the badges." Even if this isn't the truth, the readers take it by default, and won't bother to click on this story to read it then.

be sure to be consistent on your verb tenses. Choose between past and present, and stick with one.

-*long cultural lesson alert*

possibly a misleading allusion/symbolism by naming your character's last name as "amethyst," which not only means a pretty purple colored stone but usually demonic/pagan, or unholy in nature. Amethyst means "remedy for intoxication" and some cults/religion used amethyst gems as a mean for treatment against diseases in the past, and such an act is considered "demonic" by the Catholic church, which influences the development of the English language and this is stuck with us today. In fact, any purple gems or stones aren't the most righteous in the old Catholic church, with has indirectly instructed our language to think in the same way. Since your writing's audiences are mostly from the western world, you may also have to put their tradition into account when you're dealing with anything that's possibly symbolic in nature. This is also the reason why if we have some oriental or Australian readers coming across this name, they'll consider the last name as totally suitable and fine. You must consider cultural background when you're writing.

It's good that you're inserting character development. Now we'll take it to the next level to go beyond acceptable level of fanfic writing. Don't do this anymore. Don't insert a whole paragraph or sentence of nothing but physical character descriptions. Always insert a bit of action verbs in order to keep the story flowing, or else the story seems to come to a stop at a "sidetrack." Physical descriptions should always be accompanied by some action verbs in order to reduce the boring aspect of physical description. Same thing applies to the later characters' entrance as well. Also, it is advices that you don't throw out every aspect of the characters' physical description at once as well. Chop it up and feed it to your readers bit by bit throughout the story, instead of all at the beginning.

A difficult thing to avoid, but do try your best. Here "then" is repeated here, and it sounds boring in terms of diction to use the same word so frequently.

Understood that the pun is meant to be humorous, but at the same time you suddenly switched the story from 3rd narrative to 1st narrative for just 3 words, then back to 3rd narrative again... Don't switch narrative unless it's very important. Switching narratives have a dramatic effect on your story, and it can work both ways...

-some dialogues give you a really anime-feeling... in writings, some parts can be summarized and condensed as part of the narration, instead of forcing your characters to say everything, such as those "goodbyes" type of thing... condense your writing to have the least amount of words as you can in order to reduce length.

-just a note: "May Maples" is a common mistake in terms of "official" last names, similar to "Misty Waterflowers." It is just that the dubbers are saying things a bit too fast and it turned out similar to Maples when the judge of the Pokemon Competition is trying to say something else... Then some fanfic writers take that last name for May (just like what happened to Misty) and then everyone other writer copies and follow... o.o; just a note... it's fine to use that last name but it's NOT OFFICIAL >>;

-if you're trying to use the May from the anime for your May, then she isn't wearing a "white miniskirt" over her biker shorts. It's just a t-shirt of some kind that's not tucked in, or possibly the end of her red shirt is white... it's awfully too small to be even a miniskirt o.o;

-have no idea what's with the latias part...

By not just say "attacked by a few Zigzagoons"? Try to be as fluent in your narration as possible. Hiring beta readers or proof read multiple amount of times will help.

-the battle was rather quick and short... It's similar to the anime where the hero/ine's Pokemon are invincible and one attack wipes out the opponent before they can do much of anything...

-the story is generally lacking in terms of emotional character development... the most we got out of is May being the devious one out of the four. The other three share the flawless personality which shouldn't exist at all. It makes your story feel like an anime production even more than it is already, and any fanfic that has the Pokemon-anime-style cannot possibly be a very good fanfic. Distance yourself from the anime as much as possible. Definitely and again, avoid "flawless characters."

-heavy giveaways are also not recommanded... if the readers are able to predict the outcome of the story early on, why bother reading on until the end? The story gives off heavy hints in terms of who's going to be with who in the future, set in stone... *Generally* romances in action/adventure fanfics come either instanteously, or gradually... in between of nowhere is not a good thing. (note: generally means that there are exceptions to the rule, but it's definitely very difficult to do so, and for now I'll recommand you to follow the general writing guides first)

-I'll stop off at chapter 1 as there's more than enough to work on until the next review already. As for the prediction from me before I start reading that this is definitely going to be an OT fanfic, I guess it's fulfilled then ^^; Therefore, the title must have been too revealing, and too much of a cliche, stereotypical OT.

Good Points
-beginning of character developments
-beginning of descriptions
-grammar are mostly correct

Future Improvements
-emotional character descriptions
-fix "OT errors"
-be more original; stay away from being "anime-style"

Title: 2/5
Grammar Basics: 9/10
Coherence/Readability: 9/10
Characterization: 8/20
Story Structure: 6/15
Tone/Atmosphere: 7/15
Diction: 8/20
Effort/Originality: 10/15
Lit. Device bonus: +0


total: 59
Yes, it's an OT fic, I know, but I can't get what's with the Amethyst thing, it's jsut a random last name I took off since I can't use Spellman for my Pokemon fanfic... Read my sabrina fan fic for more info....

And uh, I asked May fan club members about the skirt, t-shirt thing, so I can't realyl work out their answers, so yeah, I based it off from Breezy's description, not all, but maybe some.....

Eer, yeah, I also posted your review on SPPf so that my readers there will know....

Spriting done by me. Don't be stealing. ;x
Click on the link to go to Mikoto's fanlisting.
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Dragonfree

Teh Spwriter. :3

Age 33
Female
Iceland
Seen February 9th, 2020
Posted November 28th, 2012
1,290 posts
19.1 Years
wow...is this about some sort of fic that someone wrote? i think i missed all of that...
It was a Frosty review and the basic point is "Go read Chains by Dragonfree now because it rocks."

*points to link in Frostweaver's sig and whistles*
~Butterfree/Dragonfree/antialiasis of The Cave of Dragonflies

Still not going to sprite for your fangame. Sorry, but I don't really sprite or give out permission for people to use my fake Pokémon anymore.

Frostweaver

Ancient + Prehistoric

Age 34
Male
Canada
Seen September 11th, 2016
Posted July 30th, 2016
8,246 posts
19.7 Years
Yes, it's an OT fic, I know, but I can't get what's with the Amethyst thing, it's jsut a random last name I took off since I can't use Spellman for my Pokemon fanfic... Read my sabrina fan fic for more info....

And uh, I asked May fan club members about the skirt, t-shirt thing, so I can't realyl work out their answers, so yeah, I based it off from Breezy's description, not all, but maybe some.....

Eer, yeah, I also posted your review on SPPf so that my readers there will know....
Now if the pants are not even at her knee, and the "white miniskirt" is not even half as long as her pants, then I severely doubt that it qualifies as a miniskirt... unless I'm too sheltered to realize that they now have miniskirt that's half a foot long O.o; *shrudders* The fact that the white "miniskirt" always sticks to May like glue even when she's falling off a cliff doesn't support it being a "miniskirt" either.

OT fanfic is *very* difficult to pull off. PMC and Trials of Reluctance are both OT, and they spend a lot of extra time in order to avoid the common "meet here, see professor, go on to journey" type. Also, even within the first chapter these two other OT fanfics have a lot more character development already. It's not being an OT that let you down, but by being the stereotypical OT that did you in.

No such thing as "random" exist in stories. Every common name that's chosen, every color that's used, and every time in the setting that's chosen... they all matter and are all specifically picked to contribute to the mood/atmosphere or symbol of the story. If you're doing something by "random," then you're misleading your readers to a wrong path.

(i guess that the only "random" thing that you can decide on is original names that don't have any specific meaning cause it's an... original name...)
Dark bowels of Maryland
Seen January 12th, 2006
Posted January 12th, 2006
1,383 posts
19.7 Years
Personally, I don't put much thought into names (I mean, the poor Hitmonchan in my fic is named Champ, one of the most unoriginal names for fighters). It's like this one thing someone in Serebii said... I forget what exactly... had to do with parents naming their children. When people name children, they either pick a name that they like or a name to honor another family member. Rarely do they go "Well, I predict my child will have a good heart and a strong will, so I'll name him blah-blah with means this-that in some other language". When I read "Chains", I certaintly didn't connect the name Mary with anything symbolic or religious. I just viewed as a common (but old-fashioned) female name.

PS- do not name your future child blah-blah, because I can assure you it doesn't mean this-that in another language.

Frostweaver

Ancient + Prehistoric

Age 34
Male
Canada
Seen September 11th, 2016
Posted July 30th, 2016
8,246 posts
19.7 Years
Who said that stories/literature works the same way as real life anyway o.o;

Wow fanfic reviews are going at a good speed so far... I think i have time to take up more fanfic reviews since there's 2 continous long weekend coming up too. So ask away <3

Frostweaver

Ancient + Prehistoric

Age 34
Male
Canada
Seen September 11th, 2016
Posted July 30th, 2016
8,246 posts
19.7 Years
I guess that if I'm doing a fanfic review for other writing, I might as well put it in this fanfic lounge ^^; An old story (i think) for this forum but who said that you can't review old stories...

@ Sins and Scars, by Aiya Quackform

-"smell" is perhaps a better word than "stink" in the commerical/ffnet summary line... it is a more mature word to use there

-not sure about this one, but doesn't "scar" as a verb always have to be inflicted on yourself and can't use it on others like that? Not sure here...

May my mistakes be made up for in some small way by his good deeds.
something awkward about this line... it sounds a bit clumsy to say "made up for in some small way by..." perhaps "may my sins be repaid..." or something along that line?

-though fanfics can definitely be this short and even shorter, this story doesn't show its ending point too well... there's no distinctive beginning and an end. It definitely works as a prologue, but being the standalone as it is now, you probably should emphasize on how terrible the speaker is feeling, down to the pits (take that as climax), and then let the resolution be the speaker's successor, and direct the story a bit like that...

Good Points
-tone/mood
-generally good word choices

Future Improvements
-further polish diction (ahaha... easy for me to say ;p)
-distinctive ending

note: character and coherence/readability omitted due to length

Title: 5/5
Grammar Basics: 10/10
Coherence/Readability: omit/10
Characterization: omit/20
Story Structure: 12/15
Tone/Atmosphere: 14/15
Diction: 18/20
Effort/Originality: 13/15
Lit. Device bonus: +0


total: 61/70 => 87

Frostweaver

Ancient + Prehistoric

Age 34
Male
Canada
Seen September 11th, 2016
Posted July 30th, 2016
8,246 posts
19.7 Years
EDIT: All writings are written for a purpose: usually under the 2 categories of either to entertain (ex: any children's book, LOTR) or to introduce an idea (Shakespeare's works.) However, all of them must rely on these "symbolic" elements in order to carry out their intended purposes. Even children's novel are not thrown together by pure randomness stuck on a plot. Names used in a children's novel are always "common names" because the usage of names that the children know of (as in, names that their friends may possibly share) will allow the children to relate the story back to themselves. Half of these things will become our writing instincts and we do it naturally, without thinking about it. However, we must work and focus intentionally for the rest of the choices that aren't decided by instinct.

Writing instincts can sometimes come out completely opposite to what you have in mind. You think that you aren't doing anything in particular, but when others read it, they see all the work your natural instincts put into it. "Old Man and the Sea" to Hemmingway is just a short story about fishing, but then all his years of writing have trained his instincts to insert symbols and specific word choices without realizing it... in the end, it turned out to win various awards. It became a parody against critics story reviewers, unlike what Hemmingway have intended it to be- a simple fishing story.




@ The Power to Shine, by Shuko

My name is Maya. I'm eleven years old, but I've been told that I'm mature for my age. I don't much know if I like the sound of that.
A strange beginning... Bit clich and corny to start by "name and age." Also, the last part can simply be condensed to "I've been told that I'm mature for my age, but I don't know if they're right." is good enough... it saves some words that way to reduce the boring space.

Anyway, I guess you're wondering what's so special about an eleven year-old girl? Not too long ago, I'd have said there wasn't anything especially odd or memorable about me.
you just mentioned her age awhile ago so best not to repeat it already... as well, again this sentence is pretty lengthy when you can say "I'm just an ordinary girl, until..."

-"Hikari" is an absolutely feminine name, destined for girls o.o; Even if it's a Pokemon... It's a bit strange when the male dog in your house is called "Betty." It's awkward...

-reverse chronological order that's not a flashback is not very constructive most of the time... in here, i'll recommand you to flip the story around, and talk of Maya's background (but before the runaway) first before you mention Hikari. Right now the order is awkward.

You see, where I lived, children were not allowed.
"You see, I live in a _____ where children are not allowed." Try to read it out loud at times to see if the sentence flows as smooth as you can make it to be. Also, there's some tense problems... "lived" can be past tense as who knows if Maya is currently living elsewhere, but unless the rule of this place changed, then you'll have to say "children ARE not..." instead of "were." Watch out for these tense problems as they exist later in the story too.

-insert a paragraph before you start talking about the king's carriage event for clarity... since you're starting a new idea, it's perhaps best to start a new paragraph.

But that was a mistake.
An incomplete sentence... this is only a clause and needs to be joined to something else in order to be a sentence. Since you declared that Maya is mature for her age, you got no excuse for "a grammar mistake that's done on purpose"

-i know that you write your story on wordpad, but do transfer it back to a grammar/spell check program to take out the careless mistakes, such as "had had" (had is repeated once... grammar check will definitely pick that up)

I had decided that I was old enough to make it on my own in the world, and since I'd gotten so far without anyone else's help, I certainly could continue to do so.
odd... we have never heard of Maya being alone/independent on anything major before she left, so this sentence becomes an oddball. It's alluding to something in the past in her life, yet we aren't given any information about such an event... not even mentioning it...

I realized that I no longer knew which way was forward, and which way led back to the village.
"I realized that I lost my sense of direction, and I couldn't find my way back home." It's slightly more clear this way instead of "forward." Also, saying "village" isn't as good as saying "home" in terms of diction, because Maya's parents seem to be rather caring, and there's no reason to degrade Maya's parents by claiming that it's not her "home." Village is terribly cold and formal.

-"inspiration" deals with art/fine arts... running to a tree like that isn't an art or fine art... improper diction choice there.

hoping for all I was worth that whatever it was that I had left behind me couldn't climb trees.
definitely i don't recommand using "that" more than once in a sentence unless you're trying to have a hesistant tone.

-not sure if you should use the term "animal" there... it's suggesting that the setting is a mix of our world with "normal animals" and Pokemon world all into one. This setting is generally not accepted as a default setting unless you got some good explanation (due to the nature of Pokemon fanfics often basing the settings to be in a world of Pokemon). Yes the anime got 2 (or 3) appearances of "normal animals" (Pidgeotto's worm, fishes in St.anne) but we all know that anime is mostly screwed up and self-refuting...

What would happen if something really big came along - something that might want to eat ME, for instance.
take out the "for instance" and let the period be a question mark there. This way it heightens the tension up a bit, just like what this is intended to do.

forgotten my cut finger
not sure if "cut" is used correctly here... sounds odd...

-"I'm no bird expert" is repeated again

-now in ch.1 Maya seems to communicate with the readers quite a bit, taking effective uses of a 1st person narrative. However this didn't keep up in the 2nd chapter though... if you started it this way, then keep the tradition up. Don't have to do it frequently, but do at least mention something this way.

Good Points
-well written OT
-great description
-realistic and detailed

Focuses to Improve On
-sentence structure (clarity)
-diction choices (ch.2 diction choices improved from ch.1 though, keep it up!)
-ordering

Title: 4/5
Grammar Basics: 9/10
Coherence/Readability: 9/10
Characterization: 17/20
Story Structure: 12/15
Tone/Atmosphere: 15/15 (excellent)
Diction: 16/20
Effort/Originality: 14/15
Lit. Device bonus: +1 (communication with audience)


total: 87
Age 30
Australia...jealous? XD
Seen April 18th, 2006
Posted August 18th, 2005
57 posts
18.2 Years
uh...looong review there frostweaver...XD but anyways, now i'm going to read that fic, and see what it's like...

^.^ I made that card...you steal, you die
Quadruplets with
Sapphire Crystal | Rinrei | Avegaille Spellman
[ Fan Fic | Xanga ]
Proud Member of the Advancedshipping Club
I own Brendan from the Bishie thread...mwa

Frostweaver

Ancient + Prehistoric

Age 34
Male
Canada
Seen September 11th, 2016
Posted July 30th, 2016
8,246 posts
19.7 Years
not really that long... the first chapter of that story got plenty of mistakes, but then for the 2nd chapter i think that i only got 2 or 3 things to say (besides tense problems which I never quote out every single time)... there's quite a significant improvement from ch.1 to ch.2. I think that it's because Shuko is more comfortable with writing once the journey itself begins. The background information part regarding Maya's past is the part where it needs revision the most. Otherwise, it's a very good fanfic.

Fanfic writers pour their heart and time into writing their fanfic (err... technically that's how it should be.) So aren't reviewers suppose to use the equal amount of time and effort in order to repaid the writers?