Fanfiction Lounge Page 58

Started by ^^NICK^^ v.2.0 September 6th, 2003 7:57 PM
  • 882196 views
  • 15269 replies

Lily

◕ ‿‿ ◕ double rainbow.

Female
New Joisey
Seen February 26th, 2017
Posted June 26th, 2011
3,329 posts
18.7 Years
Oh, onii-chan, you mean Serebii Forums? AKA serebii pokemon page's forums? spp? sppf?

=x yeah we should do something about the mindless praises...but they're new to reviewing and all.

*hops away*

EDIT: btw, 'circle' in your location is spelled wrong.


*smites Lily* ...>>
Oh thanks for noticing that... *goes off to edit it*

( ‿‿ ) PM me for a contract.
Is there a Treeland? If so, there.
Seen March 13th, 2013
Posted April 22nd, 2011
454 posts
18.7 Years
SPPF...in. Spiffin'. You know. ^_^

I don't even know what I review about. It's just a bunch of blah commenting on this and that. Whee. :)

You could make a rule about mindless praising but then some people wouldn't know what to comment about. 'Course you could say something like Ash was funny in that chapter, but meh.

Mindless praises make me happy. :P j/k.
Seen March 2nd, 2014
Posted December 28th, 2012
135 posts
18.2 Years
Guys... should we come up with a rule about mindless praises here? They're getting on my nerves especially when I can't do anything about it... ><
Maybe set up a sticky about reviewing rules, I know PE2K (Did you have problems with that forum too Niko? Can I say the name?) has a policy/sticky on blind praising. Heres an excerpt of their reviewing rules

HOW TO REVIEW
Here is what your review should NOT be:

Quote:
"I love your story! I can't wait for more!"

"I don't find your story interesting at all."

"8/10. The dialogues turned me off in some places."

"The story's pacing is so slow that I've almost fell asleep! You're pathetic!"



Why not? Let's take a look at these "reviews":

1st example - I admit that it's good to receive praise. However, there are SOME people out there who like to go overboard and just praise everything in sight. You can't just go around saying "I like your story! Can't wait for more!" to everything you see. You are giving the authors a rather false sense of confidence if you don't point out the BAD points as well as the good. Also, WHY do you love the story? Give some reasons.

2nd example - Same as above, but more on the negative side. Constructive criticism isn't 100% negative, but it shouldn't be totally positive either. It should TELL THE AUTHOR HOW TO IMPROVE AND WHAT HE/SHE IS DOING RIGHT.

3rd example - It's somewhat constructive, but it's not enough to be called a review. Sure, it's telling what wrong with the fic (the dialouges), but HOW did the dialouges turn you off? Were they too long? Too short? Did it seem unfitting for the character who is speaking? What can the author do to avoid having this problem again? Because of that, the score is rather unjustified.

4th example - This is just plain mean. As a matter of fact, these are the LAST type of reviews that I or the other mods would want to see. Not only is the reviewer not telling the author how to improve the pacing, but the comment of "you're pathetic" might result in a flamewar. If I see ANY of these "reviews" around, they WILL get deleted and you may end up banned.

Now, there are some authors who give good reviews which point out what is good about the story AND how the story can be better. And, no, a review doesn't have to be three paragraphs long. Just don't make it like the four above examples. If you like the story, TELL WHY. If you think the author can improve, TELL HOW. Anyone who gives a review that is something along the lines of the examples WILL BE TOLD TO EXPAND THEIR REVIEW.

Seriously, if you get worthless praise like that and you try to post it at sites like Serebii and PokeCommunity, guess what? You will NOT get the same "respect" as you do here. The last thing we need is spoiled authors with extremely low standards breeding from here.
Maybe you could do something liek that?
Wow...my writingness has changed since my last siggy. That is all.
Is there a Treeland? If so, there.
Seen March 13th, 2013
Posted April 22nd, 2011
454 posts
18.7 Years
I like the last part of that at PE2K. XP Us reviewers at the green forum have improved. A tad. And I think the reviewers here are good as well so nyah. :P

Edit: Nice sig Iceking lol. We'll all just remember who won best comedic author though. Nyah again. :P

Edit2: On another note, does anyone who has a ff.net account can sign in? I can't, and I can actually update for once. ><
Age 37
California
Seen August 20th, 2006
Posted July 17th, 2006
752 posts
18.4 Years
I'm surprised that something I wrote got posted somewhere else, and I'm the one doing the commenting. Anyway...

There was one point at PE2K when everyone started praising everything in sight and there was very little constructive criticism. A few months ago, an incident managed to open some eyes and realize that our "reviews" were just inflating egos.

That's why that was written.


My stuff
My LiveJournal | Pokemon Fan Universe (Friend's forums)

Age 33
Philippines.
Seen April 8th, 2012
Posted April 9th, 2010
1,331 posts
18.3 Years
SPPF...in. Spiffin'. You know. ^_^

I don't even know what I review about. It's just a bunch of blah commenting on this and that. Whee. :)

You could make a rule about mindless praising but then some people wouldn't know what to comment about. 'Course you could say something like Ash was funny in that chapter, but meh.

Mindless praises make me happy. :P j/k.
Lol, well, so do I and has everyone been talking about err.... but anyways, I'm finalyl unbanned but leaving there, so meh....

Spriting done by me. Don't be stealing. ;x
Click on the link to go to Mikoto's fanlisting.
GPXPlus Profile | Other Links

Casual Billy

Wargreymon: Miracle Mega

Seen May 12th, 2006
Posted December 29th, 2005
217 posts
18.2 Years
Hey, I'm about to release a new fic. Please read it. My current one will still go on though.
convo snip-it of the moment:

billy5772: not worth responding to
anonymous: You responded though.
anonymous: Thumbs up for flawless logic.
billy5772: so. i can do things not worth doing, can't I?
billy5772: case in point: i talk to you all the time
(billy5772 is an alternate screen name of mine)

Frostweaver

Ancient + Prehistoric

Age 34
Male
Canada
Seen September 11th, 2016
Posted July 30th, 2016
8,246 posts
19.7 Years
@ Pokemon Revenge by TTYO

-it's never too attractive of a title to have your fanfic by "Pokemon _______" On top of that, your story never relates the idea of Pokemon to be on "nature's side," therefore it's not justify to say that the Pokemon are out for revenge against the humans

10 years after "Pikachu I choose you",
and when is 10 years after Pikachu I choose you? No idea... Also, do not ever relate to the anime like this. When you're writing the fanfic, your fanfic will take place within that world of the anime. They will have no idea about "which episode" they're on. It's the same way as your fanfic relating back to an earlier chapter by saying "back in chapter 3..." It doesn't work like this. Clearly state the event, such as "10 years after Ash Ketchum, a famous Pokemon trainer, had taken off from Pallet Town for his Pokemon journey..."

the world was on the tip of the knife edge as the recent Gulf War 2 and Terrorist attacks weaken the world.
knife is not an adjective so you'll need to turn it into a possessive in order for the grammar of the sentence to work out. Also, you're putting together events in our world into the events of the Pokemon world. The nature of Pokemon fanfics forces any Pokemon fanfic to clearly seperate our world and the Pokemon world as 2 different places (alternate universe.) Your fanfic will definitely need a proper explanation why the two worlds are now one world all together, or else you'll be straying away from the definition of a Pokemon fanfic.

Nature was also angry as Man continued to waste her used-to-be infinite resources.
"used-to-be infinite" has a very awkward syntax... always try to make your sentence flow as much as possible. Also, this statement is never true to begin with, making Nature rather stupidin her reason for anger... You may need to reword this entire sentence to ensure that you're saying what you really want to say. Maybe you're thinking of mankind depleting the world's resources faster than they can be regenerated... (sounds like it's the exact same thing, but it's not... infinite resources have a different meaning than regenerating resources)

Nature vented her anger in form of a changed Team Rocket. A Nature-orientated Team Rocket.
the 2nd sentence here is an incomplete sentence, as it doesn't even have a verb. All sentences need a verb, with the exception of some sentences in dialogues. Also, this sentence is rather vague about what is going on. Is there some form of divine intervention? As well, a massive organization such as Team Rocket does not suddenly change within seconds like what you're telling to your readers here. It sounds terribly rushed, and conveys the idea that since Team Rocket has changed from extreme to the extreme, you might as well start a new organization about it. Again, the rapid, unexplained (or lack of explanation) and extreme change in Team Rocket is straying away from the fanfic restrictions for a Pokemon fanfic.

To raise the stakes, evolved humans who were not accepted by their 'primitive' counterparts join Team Rocket who accepted them as human.
You lost me here...

-what's a "Wild Force Ranger?" If you're introducing a new organization, or any form of new systems into your fanfic, you must explain what it is. Right now, all i know is that it is "some group of some sort who goes against Team Rocket for reasons completely unknown."

But when his Nature orientated opinions clash with his duties, can his save Silver Town from the angry high leveled Mt Silver Pokemon trying to take back their habitat.
Besides the grammar mistakes in this quote, there's plenty of things to fix up. We don't know what is Ash's duties, nor do we know how does it go in conflict against the defense against raging Pokemon. Since this is a new concept that doesn't exist in the original Pokemon world, you must explain why there is a conflict here. Also, what is a "high leveled" Pokemon? Last time I watched the anime or manga, I don't see HP bars floating around with a number relating to levels above each Pokemon's head. You cannot use any technical (especially if they're related to game mechanics/calculations) within your fanfic. You must assume what the world is like for the people within that world. It's like how a fanfic will say a Pokemon is too tired to fight any longer. Fanfics will not say the Pokemon has ran out of PP to continue to battle. The only possible ways for the idea of levels to be mentioned in a fanfic is through the analysis of a Pokedex (where you can get really technical on game mechanics and still be correct in terms of fanfic format), or any other form of careful analysis. In here, you're applying the word in a general/global sense, which will be incorrect. You'll want to simply say "powerful."

And also why a young man with mask of machinery look so familiar.
another incomplete sentence... you have to really focus on your grammar.

-Prologue is overly-revealing. I know exactly what the conflict is going to be. I know who are the good guys and who are the bad guys already. There is no sense of tension or mystery, so why will I want to read on further in this story if I know 75% of the story already? All that I need to find out is to see who triumphs in the end, so why read on further? The prologue definitely needs to be changed and edited.

What makes a human a human? Is it his origins? No, he is born from a father and mother and conceived thru a mammalian womb.
The whole thing got some strange syntax once again, making the sentence confusing. Also, you didn't answer your own question here, yet the question is intended to be answered. You talk about what is the biological origin of a human being, yet you didn't answer the question of why will it matter at all. You answered the wrong question.

But the right answer is the internal human factor that makes one a human.
again, why is this the right answer and not anything else? This seems to be an important element of the story, yet it is poorly explained...

Any the human race plagued with discrimination, intolerance, impatience has clouded his judgment over those unique few of his own kind, even if they are basically humans but unable to blend in, not because they dont want to, is that they simply cant.
You lost me again... There is only one human race. Science fiction really stresses on the accuracy of technical terms, so you really have to get it right. Be extra careful about the word "race." When you use the word "human" in front of it, then by default it talks of humankind in general. Without the word "human" in front of it, the definition changes to talk of different "types" of people, such as asian, caucasian and so on. The concept of intolerance, discrimination and so on exist in any society (note: society again is a word that refers to the globe, or just generally refers to everyone) as a whole, while you seem to have a concept that some societies do not have these problems (which, is never true. Even the "ideal, kiddy-kiddy" Pokemon world talked of these problems.) As for the rest of the sentence, i don't even have the faintest clue about what it's trying to say...

these people often had to do the inevitable just survive in a cold, unfeeling world.
and what is the "inevitable?" No idea, once again... Unfeeling here is used with the wrong connotation. Unfeeling often refers to the lack of ability to sense feelings. Insensitive refers to the lack in responsiveness to the feelings around a *person.* If you're unfeeling, you don't have the ability to be sensitive. If you're insensitive, then you should be able to be sensitive, but chooses not to. The 2 words are different, and in here you want insensitive. Be careful about all of your diction choices like this.

Cold winds were like music to curtains, making them dance to their tune.
Metaphors/Similes do not need the single quote.

By nature, Ash Ketchum was clumsy
You just killed your own setup of nature being more of a "deity" or a "spirit" of the kind. In here, the word nature is used for its original meaning again, losing all the setup of the new definition you've given to the word. On top of that, the word nature is still used incorrectly...

Ashs friend, Gary, made it worst when he wiped a towel, which he did not, knew that it was soaked in nitric acid. So the two acids now become the famous Aqua Regis, the gold melting acid!
Science fiction speaks of accuracy as well, and the world definitely knows what nitric acid and hydrochloric acid will result in. Also, "gold melting" is nothing to brag about, because even our unaided fingers can bend gold... Gold is one of the softest metal. It is only used on armors for decorative purposes, as gold studded armor will actually weaken the armor. Also, it's not a wise move to give Gary an entry into the story here. Right now he has the role of a cameo-character, so it sets up the stage for Gary to be some useless character, yet later in the story he proves himself to be slightly more important than that...

-now how come Star Wars and Anakin suddenly got dragged in here? I thought that we're talking about Wugi's operation... Wugi is going to morph into Darth Vader after this chemical incident or something?

soon reverted back to its roots; to revolutionize the discriminative world into a fair and kind world.
No... Fanfics are not allowed to change constants that are setup by the original storyline. There are 2 possible origins for Team Rocket, depending if you're basing yourself by the anime or the manga. The manga seems to support the idea that Giovanni is the founder of the organization, and Team "ROCKET" stands for "Raid On the City, Knock out, Evil Tusks." The anime talks of the Giovanni's mother, Onna Boss (which is not her actual name, as this just means "Lady Boss") being the leader of the first generation of Team Rocket. Onna Boss is merely interested in money , and it's until Giovanni's take over that Team Rocket plans on doing more than making money. There are things in a fanfic that you cannot change, and this is one of them (unless your fanfic focuses on your own idea about an alternate beginning to Team Rocket.)

-read the "READ FIRST" sticky for some pointers regarding the other common mistakes, such as starting a new paragraph whenever you have a new speaker talking.

-death of Jessie/James is definitely rushed... their death has such great impact on Wugi and Mrs. Gamma, yet in terms of description, they're treated as cameo characters...

Good Points
-start of themes
-attempts at deep, theological conflicts in fanfics
-relatively an original idea for a Pokemon fanfic

Focuses to Improve On
-Clarity/Syntax
-Grammar
-Rushing

Title: 4/5
Grammar Basics: 6/10
Coherence/Readability: 6/10
Characterization: 5/20
Story Structure: 3/15
Tone/Atmosphere: 6/15
Diction: 5/20
Effort/Originality: 13/15
Lit. Device bonus: +1 (theme)


total: 49

Dragonfree

Teh Spwriter. :3

Age 33
Female
Iceland
Seen February 9th, 2020
Posted November 28th, 2012
1,290 posts
19.1 Years
*pokes Frostweaver again* Umm... did I miss you reviewing Shackles somewhere? o_o
~Butterfree/Dragonfree/antialiasis of The Cave of Dragonflies

Still not going to sprite for your fangame. Sorry, but I don't really sprite or give out permission for people to use my fake Pokémon anymore.

Act

Let's Go Rangers!

Madison Square Garden
Seen March 16th, 2009
Posted December 15th, 2007
528 posts
18.5 Years
:o

Insult U2 or Switchfoot and I will... not be happy...

*throws that out there randomly*

Thank you muchly for your review ^^


You've never heard of a compass rose? o.o;; It's a noun; it has nothing to do with grammar.

Watch for grammatical mistakes. Here you'll want a dash after hometown, and just take out the adjectives and save them for another time. (it's possible to keep these adjectives in there, but then it makes your life in grammar so much tougher that you will save more time by just taking them out)
What I did there is called an appositive. It's similar to a hyphen in function; I'm not all that partial to hyphens.

More grammar abnormalities here... the comma is definitely wrong, and I *think* that a semicolon should go in there. It's either dash or colon and i'll place my bets on the semicolon...
O_o... A semicolon has to connect to independant clauses, which this does not contain. Again, this comma sets of an appositive.

The ellipses isn't used correctly here because again it conveys the improper tone (what's so uncertain about grass and trees?) "And" is used 2 times here, and only articles/some prepositions should be used more than once in a sentence most of the time (exceptions include repetitions, or attmept in conveying fear/panic). That means you'll have to rephrase your sentence to get rid of an "and."
An ellipses doesn't convey uncertainty; it signifies a long pause, usually a pause for thought. Admittedly this is usually uncertainty. Here it was simply for pause-- time necessary for observation. As for the and... in reading it over, I don't find it disturbing to the flow. What do you suggest I replace for it, hn?

-now another thing that's slightly ticking me off is treating Zigzagoon's fuzzy fur to the point of being "spines" or "spikes" or any pokey-and-sharp object... Pretty sure that those furry caterpillars in real life do not try to stab people. It's awkward to see how Zigzagoons in the stories have a real tendency to be more like a porcupine than a raccoon o.o; it's not a porcupine ;_; zigzag + raccoon = zigzagoon.
Just because something has spikes does not mean it goes around stabbing. They always seemed pretty startchy to me-- definitely not fur. Just my interpretation. I've had complaints about the porcupine reference -_- Though, as said, if they do have 'spikes' they would use them for defence, neh?

made things a LOT more confusing that what it should be. Might as well take it out and let the diary do the rest of the talking.
How so?

Thanks very much for the compliments, and for good pointing out of my weaknesses... though I'd have to argue you down on grammar. My strange syntax may allure to poor grammar, but I beg to differ... :dead:

Much appreciated, all in all ^^

original work
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livejournal

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with a mouth full of teeth, you ate all your friends
and you broke every heart thinking every heart mends

Frostweaver

Ancient + Prehistoric

Age 34
Male
Canada
Seen September 11th, 2016
Posted July 30th, 2016
8,246 posts
19.7 Years
*checks encyclopedia* my bad about the compass rose... I only know it by the Nautical Plotting Chart o.o;

Now apposition... for the first sentence that I pointed out, that one is actually fine. I didn't know that apposition can come at the end and not only in the middle. That one is fine. However, the second one I'm pretty sure about it...

It had some fancy name, the kind of name that slips a ten-year-olds mind.
The "apposition" in this sentence cannot be an apposition, becomes everything after the comma must be a noun clause to be an apposition. However, it involves a conjunction (that), and a verb (slips) as well, signifying that it's not a noun clause but an adjective clause. A noun clause answers the question "what/who?" while an adjective clause answers "what kind of?" In here, it's indicating "what kind of name?" It's an adjective clause and therefore can't be used as an apposition.

Gina could see fountains, trees and grass greener than the cheap ink and oversaturated colors of the map.
Yes you're correct about the existance of other usage of ellipsis, but I doubt that they will work in here as well. A change/pause in thought is represented by the em dash (so that means my usage of ellipse was wrong for a good part of my life =/ ) unless you need to convey the dying of voice (as in, trailing off until it comes to a complete end.) The other usages for ellipsis include the suggestion of infinity, or something being never ending. Now if that sentence used in Konnichiwa! is to suggest infinity, then it will make no sense regarding how the list will come to an end talking about the grass. Only in math can you use the ellipsis that way.

More usages of ellipsis deal with quotations, but this is clearly not a quote. Another one is to imply a missing word, which is rhetorical and implied to the reader. The missing word is emphasized and represents something being unmentionable. Now, what's so important or unmentionable about the flowers and the rocks around there? Again, this definition doesn't fit the usage of the ellipsis... since every single definition of the ellipsis doesn't fit, then it's used incorrectly.

I'll personally try something like this to fix the double "and" problems...

" Gina could see along with grass greener than the cheap ink and oversaturated colors of the map."

It was out of their reach now, Gina realized. Whatever happened, her catiel had fought well. They just needed to lay off those zigzagoon for a while.
Now there is a huge time gap between this sentence and the previous sentence if you read ahead to the diary to know exactly how the battle turned out. Yet the two sentences here do not suggest such a thing. It suddenly jumps to "whatever happened..." Now this suggest that Gina (as narration sides with her in this part of the story) doesn't really know what's going on, yet the paragraph before this suggests quite a bit of certainty about what attacks are being used in the battle. It really doesn't suggest the existence of a time gap there. Thinking about it now, actually it won't be a bad sentence to end the diary entry for that chapter at all. ^^;


Revision of Konnichiwa...

Title: 4/5
Grammar Basics: 6/10 +2 = 8/10
Coherence/Readability: 9/10
Characterization: 19/20 {Excellent!}
Story Structure: 13/15
Tone/Atmosphere: 12/15
Diction: 15/20
Effort/Originality: 14/15
Lit. Device bonus: +1 (diary usage)


new total: 86


It's always a good thing to argue with the reviewer in order to get every mark that you rightfully deserves ^_^ Explain yourself about the ellipsis and the last "apposition" for the last 2 grammar marks.


As for Dragonfree, well give others a chance =p I reviewed quite a bit of other oneshots for you before anyway lol
Age 62
Male
Melbourne, Australia
Seen April 26th, 2018
Posted June 9th, 2014
11,439 posts
19.7 Years
I have exams until June 20 so I won't be writing, reading or reviewing. Sorry Lily :) *waves at Fwosty dear~ XD*


"One reason why mathematics enjoys special esteem, above all other sciences, is that its laws are absolutely certain and indisputable, while those of other sciences are to some extent debatable and in constant danger of being overthrown by newly discovered facts."
Albert Einstein

"What science can there be more noble, more excellent, more useful for men, more admirably high and demonstrative than mathematics."
Benjamin Franklin

"Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth, but supreme beauty – a beauty cold and austere, like that of sculpture, without appeal to any part of our weaker nature, without the gorgeous trappings of paintings or music, yet sublimely pure and capable of a stern perfection such as only the greatest art can show."
Bertrand Russell

avatar and signature by FoxHound

ANNOY ME AT YOUR PERIL. I am becoming increasingly tired of the unmanly elitism and closed-mindedness of certain members who shall remain unnamed.

Casual Billy

Wargreymon: Miracle Mega

Seen May 12th, 2006
Posted December 29th, 2005
217 posts
18.2 Years
Billy: What would you all say if I told you that there was some grade A entertainment coming your way in a matter of minutes?

Audience: We'd say "how much?"

Billy: Etertainment with action, suspense, drama, and a little bit of romance?

Audience: (annoyed) Again we'd say "how much?"

Billy: What if I told you that you could get a crazy action-packed fic with drama, action, suspense, and romance all for FREE?!!

Audience: We'd say you were a crazy lying ******z who needs to have his posting license taken away.

Billy: (trying to figure out what word that is) I don't know if I'm offended or not...but it's true! Worlds Away has just been updated with another exciting chapter, chapter 12! Check it out!
convo snip-it of the moment:

billy5772: not worth responding to
anonymous: You responded though.
anonymous: Thumbs up for flawless logic.
billy5772: so. i can do things not worth doing, can't I?
billy5772: case in point: i talk to you all the time
(billy5772 is an alternate screen name of mine)

Age 62
Male
Melbourne, Australia
Seen April 26th, 2018
Posted June 9th, 2014
11,439 posts
19.7 Years
I've written a fanfic so I'll be in haitus again until I get some inspiration back
OMG! You actually wrote a fanfic! XD :P *wonders why Lily hasn't thrown a rock at me yet*


"One reason why mathematics enjoys special esteem, above all other sciences, is that its laws are absolutely certain and indisputable, while those of other sciences are to some extent debatable and in constant danger of being overthrown by newly discovered facts."
Albert Einstein

"What science can there be more noble, more excellent, more useful for men, more admirably high and demonstrative than mathematics."
Benjamin Franklin

"Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth, but supreme beauty – a beauty cold and austere, like that of sculpture, without appeal to any part of our weaker nature, without the gorgeous trappings of paintings or music, yet sublimely pure and capable of a stern perfection such as only the greatest art can show."
Bertrand Russell

avatar and signature by FoxHound

ANNOY ME AT YOUR PERIL. I am becoming increasingly tired of the unmanly elitism and closed-mindedness of certain members who shall remain unnamed.

Frostweaver

Ancient + Prehistoric

Age 34
Male
Canada
Seen September 11th, 2016
Posted July 30th, 2016
8,246 posts
19.7 Years
Lily's away on a trip so poor me will remain very lonely for 3 days now ;_______;

*wants to hug Lily*


@ Shackles, (Chains- revisit), by Dragonfree

His own forced breath was the only sound heard.
was the only sound THAT COULD BE heard.

-comma between smooth and soft should be replaced by an "and."

He felt his wrists pulse with every beat of his heart, too numb to feel pain.
ok this one is a bit weird... too numb to feel pain, yet sensitive enough to beat the pulse going through the wrists? Even beyond logic and into the world of symbolism, this single sentence acts against the flow of both Chains and Shackles together. Mewtwo is numb to pain but sensitive to his *own* pain here, while both stories suggest the reverse. Mewtwo feels/knows that his life is slipping away from him, and is numb to feel his own pain out of his sensitivity to the life of others. All the "self" and "others" of this sentence got reversed around. Take it out, or reword it to what you really want.

He resisted the overwhelming temptation to break the shackles off his limbs with a stroke of mental energy.
Perhaps this change is an optional thing, but personally I'll take this out. Mew's dialogue already suggested the same thing, so why bother repeating what is mentioned already in such a symbol intensive fanfic where every word counts?

You are a part of me, Mewtwo... and that is exactly why you must die for them... you are the only one who can...
Works definitely in the world of symbolism, but may not work as well when you're looking at this in a Pokemon way. In terms of Mewtwo's role/existance in the Pokemon world, even if he's the clone of Mew, who is the Creator of the Pokemon world, it doesn't justify why Mewtwo is the only fitting one to be sacrificed for the rest of the world. Personally, I think that the simplest way to solve this problem is to add a small detail into Chains. Just add that the lab is the collaboration of all the Teams (Rocket, Magma, Aqua, whatever,) and this will work out. If the "evil" teams have to work together to stop Mewtwo and its almighty power, then it is definitely justified (in my opinion) why Mewtwo is the only suitable one to be sacrificed for the safety of the world.

-again, another personal opinion, but I'll rather replace "My Spirit is yours" to "It is done" ;p As for why this change... well, you either just glance at this and understand right away, or you don't get it at first and will be pointless to explain to you why you do fail to get it... lol. You can either do that exchange, or add in "It is done..." right before "then the chamber fell silent."

-revisited Chains, and now forget what I said about the name Mary may not be correct... it's probably the most suitable name possible ^_^ But on the other hand, the man accompanying Mary must not be her father, because on the symbolic level, that's not working out... anyone else father/dad.

-After reading, I'll rather flip the titles around o.o; "Shackles and Chains" sound better than "Chains and Shackles" (refer to salt and pepper vs pepper and salt). Also, shackle is more "physical" while chain is more symbolic. Shackle is used against animals/prisoners who are extremely dangerous (therefore, "more rightoues"), while chains is generally used even more negatively as a way to take away rights and freedome ("evil"). I think that if the titles are flipped around, it'll suit the 2 stories better.

-pretty much the same quality as Chains, roughly the same level... Not going to do another point count because these two are written close to the same dates, so logic reads that the level of writing should be around the same as well. Though this short series receive an insanely high rating on my scale, I predict that hardly anyone will be reading it, because this type of fanfics will only be understood and appreciated by a the rarest selective few... This story's symbols happen to be my area of speciality so everything is very direct to me, but I'm certain that to some people, they'll recognize that something is deep about it but will never be able to pinpoint just what's so deep about it. It's probably too abstract for the (majority of) young audience of Pokemon fanfics to get the entire story.
Is there a Treeland? If so, there.
Seen March 13th, 2013
Posted April 22nd, 2011
454 posts
18.7 Years
Not that anyone cares, but I updated "Who Shot Brendan Birch?" with chapter thirteen. I actually have to update that fic at ff.net though. Speaking of ff.net, I think I got banned from there for awhile. ^_^ I don't know why, but I think I did for the past few days.

That's how shadowphantomness gets banned a lot because of her championshipping and people don't like it and blah so they report it. FF.net doesn't bother to read the fic that are reported. OMG, now you could ban anyone you want now lol. But yeah, I think someone did that to me so blah.

Lileh be gone? She's still with us in spirit though, so don't be sad frosty. :P
Age 62
Male
Melbourne, Australia
Seen April 26th, 2018
Posted June 9th, 2014
11,439 posts
19.7 Years
*hugs Fwosty dear~* Don't worry, your Lily will be back soon, and she will throw rocks at me *goes off to read Niko's fanfic*


"One reason why mathematics enjoys special esteem, above all other sciences, is that its laws are absolutely certain and indisputable, while those of other sciences are to some extent debatable and in constant danger of being overthrown by newly discovered facts."
Albert Einstein

"What science can there be more noble, more excellent, more useful for men, more admirably high and demonstrative than mathematics."
Benjamin Franklin

"Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth, but supreme beauty – a beauty cold and austere, like that of sculpture, without appeal to any part of our weaker nature, without the gorgeous trappings of paintings or music, yet sublimely pure and capable of a stern perfection such as only the greatest art can show."
Bertrand Russell

avatar and signature by FoxHound

ANNOY ME AT YOUR PERIL. I am becoming increasingly tired of the unmanly elitism and closed-mindedness of certain members who shall remain unnamed.
Age 35
Seen July 18th, 2009
Posted May 2nd, 2009
216 posts
18 Years
Attention: My highly successful fanfic (posted at Serebii.net long ago), Pokmon Origins: The Johto Saga, had debuted here a couple of days ago. Anyone who is interested should give it a review.
A mere ten days after the Mending, a young knight of Valeron and a young ranger of Eos made a discovery that would change Alara forever.

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