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  #1    
Old April 27th, 2008 (11:04 AM). Edited November 10th, 2010 by Sydian.
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Gee, should have just handed me a knife back in these days!
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Old April 27th, 2008 (3:18 PM).
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    You have a nice tempo, the only thing that irritates me is that 'lay' is past tense, while the rest of the verses are always present tense in your poem.
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    Old April 27th, 2008 (3:30 PM).
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    rob the rich !
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    You bring up a good point...

    I'll change that now.

    And thanks.
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    Old April 29th, 2008 (8:43 AM).
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      Good poem, a bit depressing, but.. good poem
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      Old May 3rd, 2008 (9:12 AM).
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      rob the rich !
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      ^ I woke up aching and hurting inside. Of course it was depressing. :D
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      Old May 10th, 2008 (2:48 PM).
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      I agree that your poems are depressing yet good.
      Poem's dont have to be happy to be good. It just has to express emotion.
      Your poems are sad and really make a point. That's what makes them intresting.
      I'd love to read more of your poems.
      Keep up the good work
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      Old May 15th, 2008 (10:39 AM).
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        Quote:
        Originally Posted by Oni Raichu View Post
        You have a nice tempo, the only thing that irritates me is that 'lay' is past tense, while the rest of the verses are always present tense in your poem.
        I like this! It is depressing, but it has a good rhythm. And it rhymes!

        I didn't know people still wrote depressing poetry that rhymes.

        Also, just had to address this one:

        Actually, if English class is still with me, lay is present tense. Laid is past tense.
        ... I think.
        Lay is one of those weird words that you can never get the right form of.

        But currently the title is wrong; lie is a fib. Lay was correct, I believe.
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        Old May 15th, 2008 (11:06 AM).
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        Careful With That Axe, Pichu! Careful With That Axe, Pichu! is offline
           
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          I think the correct one here would be lay;as a verb used with an object (oneself) it fits best into what I believe you're trying to express.

          Lay is more often used with an object, for instance: "I lay a box on the floor". It describes the action of setting down something on a surface.

          Lie is more commonly used without an object, as in to be reclined; "I lie on my bed". It describes something already resting on a surface.

          Taking this into account, if your intention was to use the verb lie, then the poem probably should've been named "While I lie dying".
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