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  #1    
Old June 12th, 2008 (8:59 PM).
5tat3's Avatar
5tat3 5tat3 is offline
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    here we go again been doin this since my first breath began
    i say thats y im the best im fresh n cool as a ceiling fan

    thats y i spit on these lames u should leave the game cuz my flow is insane
    like a shotgun to ya head it blows ya brain im unstoppable like a train n i bring the pain

    got stacks on deck but dont mess wit my money or 9 shots to ya belly
    yall cant beat me yall wanna be me want beef?? haha come n try me

    ill bet ya wont live thru the night one fight ya out like a light
    like a mewtwo bow down to my might look thru the cross hairs got ya in sight

    BANG!! splat haha its over just like that jelous cuz we spit crack yall just whack
    best to step back compared to me the difference is like shaq ya really want another attack!!
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      #2    
    Old June 25th, 2008 (1:21 AM).
    Mr. Curling Iron Mr. Curling Iron is offline
    u kujw bux :d
       
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      Quote:
      Originally Posted by 5tat3 View Post
      here we go again been doin this since my first breath began
      i say thats y im the best im fresh n cool as a ceiling fan

      thats y i spit on these lames u should leave the game cuz my flow is insane
      like a shotgun to ya head it blows ya brain im unstoppable like a train n i bring the pain

      got stacks on deck but dont mess wit my money or 9 shots to ya belly
      yall cant beat me yall wanna be me want beef?? haha come n try me

      ill bet ya wont live thru the night one fight ya out like a light
      like a mewtwo bow down to my might look thru the cross hairs got ya in sight

      BANG!! splat haha its over just like that jelous cuz we spit crack yall just whack
      best to step back compared to me the difference is like shaq ya really want another attack!!
      Ok... I fixed it so theres Punctuation as its a bit hard to read.

      Here we go again, Been doin this since my first breath began;
      I say thats why I'm the Best; I'm fresh'n cool as a ceiling fan.

      Thats Why I spit on these lames
      You should leave the Game Cuz my Flow is Insane,
      Like a shotgun to ya head it blows ya Brain,
      I'm unstoppable Like a Train,
      An' I bring the Pain

      Got Stacks on Deck but don't mess with my money,
      or Nine Shots to ya belly.
      Ya'll Can't Beat me,
      Ya'll wanna be me.
      Want Beef? Haha! Come an' Try me.

      I'll bet ya wont Live thru the Night
      One fight, ya out like a Light
      Like a Mewtwo bow down to my might
      Look through the cross hairs got ya in sight

      BANG! Splat.
      Haha! It's over just like that,
      Jealous cuz we spit crack
      Ya'll just Whack
      Best tah Step back,
      Compared to me, the difference is like Shaq
      Ya really want another Attack!

      I like the feeling the poem gives out. Its very taunting, and I'm sure it's useful to read when you need to let loose some anger. The Image is vivid, and you did this using a small amount of language techniques. I love the Rythm and Rhyme. I think the "Bang! Splat" was a little overdoing it though.

      If you work on integrating more figurative language techniques, I think u'll get very far as a poet. From what I see, you made this poem quickly, because it sounds like Rap, and if you've been to high school, boys just think up of rap like kicking a ball.

      If any writers are reading this, note how his poem really just flows through, and is not really that difficult to read (well... my, fixed version) and it works well with the American voice and slang. He uses very explicit words, eg. Crack and Whack instead of Break and Hit. Take the Rhyme away, and still, the words give vivid imagery =)


      hehe. I know xD I love sounding like a know-it-all
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        #3    
      Old June 26th, 2008 (8:43 AM).
      5tat3's Avatar
      5tat3 5tat3 is offline
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        haha this isnt a poem its a little rap i wrote cuz i was bored it is not meant to be a poem
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