Well, let me explain. I am writing a PMD fic on Fanfiction.Net (this fic is linked to the banner in my signature), and I came to a particular scene that surprised me after I wrote it. I've never been interested in horror, nor have I ever thought I would manage to write it well, but to be honest, I was somewhat pleased with myself after writing this scene of suspense. It really made me consider whether or not I should make horror and suspense a more commonly used theme in my fics, to make them seem darker and more interesting.
However, the only way to know if this actually makes anything more interesting or improves the story at all is to have it reviewed. I know as the author of the fic, I am likely quite biased toward the story. Not to mention, most of the reviews I get on FFNet (no offense of FFNet reviewers) simply aren't as useful or helpful as a lot of those I find in this forum.
So, I am simply looking for someone to read this excerpt and let me know if it was well-written, what I could improve on, or anything else a detailed review would include. If I find that this goes well, I may involve my writing with more of this genre and mood. If it gets a review that exploits many errors and problems with it, I will be that much closer to becoming a better writer.
Before I post the excerpt, yes, I am aware in parts (such as the first few paragraphs, which explain the situation) it does stray a bit from the "horror/suspense" theme. That is becuase the story is centered around other themes more so; this is just a single scene of (intended) fear and suspense. Anyways, enough of my babbling. Here's the excerpt-
The Torchic darted through the forest undergrowth as fast as his little legs could carry him, tripping over a rock or root every here and there, but rising back up just as quickly. There was no sign of his normal timid nature now. That Dustox took Amri. It took his friend, and his confidence, and his dream. Without her, how was he to continue? He needed her, and he knew it. Now there wasn't an option for him to run away. He had to be brave. For Amri...
But with every step the buzzing became gradually more distant. Already he could no longer see the Poison Moth Pokemon overhead, carrying the white String-Shot sack that contained Amri. And worst of all, the sound seemed to be fading into the wall of fog he had seen before, which was not so far off at this point. He could enter the fog, and perhaps even find Amri, but how would they ever make it out? Of course, he had no time to contemplate this. The death of a brave rescuer was far more appealing to him than living with the guilt of losing Amri and running away like a pathetic coward.
Terriah was pathetic. Terriah was a coward. Far from the brave, heroic explorer he so desperately wished to be...
Those words rang in his head. However, for the first time in his life, he didn't let them get to him. Instead, he shoved them away, as if they were not even worth his consideration. And then, he raced straight into the white, all-concealing fog.
NOTE: Here's where the "suspense" begins.
Now all traces of Dustox were gone. He had no sound to follow; no way to see. Everything around him was hidden by the cloudy wisps of water-clogged air. It was flying straight ahead, he thought to himself, I'll have to just keep heading forward, then. Though his pace had slowed from a determined run to a steady, cautious trot.
More than once he found himself almost walking right into a tree that seemed to come from nowhere. He couldn't see more than half a foot ahead of him, but all around he could feel the eerieness of this place. The air, while humid and cloggy, reeked of dried blood, age-old carion, and rancid poisons. At first this confused and bothered him. What was this? Then, right beside one of his talons, he saw a gruesome sight.
An blue bug-like creature was simply laid out there, coiled pincer-like tail raised, with a pair of sharp claws embeded into what remained of an old, rotting hunk of some sort of Pokemon meat. Its maw was salivating, oozing a yellow liquid that steadily dripped onto the carcass. With every drop, a distinctive 'sizzz' sound was heard, and a small hole was melted away from the surface, be it bone or meat. The Skorupi's dazed, turquoise eyes turned to gaze up at Terriah with a bored, lethargic look. The Torhcic dared not move, or even breathe, but his mind was racing to recall something he just knew he'd heard...
"Skorupis," his mother had told him, "Are dangerous creatures. You must not run from them, or they will chase you down, and they are faster than you. Also, your fear. They can smell it on you. If you are afraid, they will know it before you can change your mind, and by then it's too late. They live in groups. If one sees you running or scared, the whole pack will be after you. Once they catch you, it's over. There's no escape. And they only live in the deepest, foggiest reaaches of forests. If you ever find yourself face to face with a Skorupi, Terriah, I want you to listen, and listen good: Do not... let them... know... you're afraid."
Terriah stared into those peculiar eyes, and they stared into his. It seemed to be asking him, "What do you plan to do, now?"
Very, very slowly, he turned away from the creature. His heart began to thud violently, begging him to turn around. He couldn't do it--
Terriah froze instantly, gathering himself, not daring to turn and look at the insect with its haunch of decomposing meat.
He took a single, careful step forward. Another Skorupi turned its eyes on the Torchic in interest. Then another. Drip. And another. Sizzz... Until finally, he was moving confidently, determinedly forward.
The Skorupis all gathered around the puny, seemingly insignificant Torchic, clearing away only to forge a path for him to walk through. It was an interesting thing: They knew he was a coward. They sensed it. They could tell. However, here he was, a tiny coward, marching forward with such dedication and bravery that it simply couldn't be real. No Pokemon like him had passed through their fog. Either they were large, strong, powerful, and they didn't end up dead, or they were small, weak, cowardly, and they were brutally killed on the spot. This Torchic... They could sense that his mind wanted to be afraid. But his heart would not allow it...
So... Any helpful advice? Im interested to see how readers will see my way of writing "scary" scenes like that. Anyways... review, if you plan to.