The Road to Mastery

Started by Ninja Caterpie August 28th, 2008 4:14 AM
  • 2025 views
  • 14 replies
Age 27
Male
Best City OCE
Seen October 18th, 2021
Posted April 1st, 2013
5,978 posts
15.1 Years
Ok, this is my original fanfic, rewritten. Hopefully, it's better than before.
Anyway, I present to you, The Road to Mastery!



Prologue
“Nidoking, Earthquake!”
A great purple lizard slammed the ground with its armoured hands, creating shockwaves which pulsed through the grass.


“Breloom, Mach Punch right through the attack!”
A yellow creature with a mushroom on its head dashed forwards, through the shockwaves.

“Nidoking, Mega Punch, as hard as you can!”
The lizard’s fist glowed with a white light as it punched the Breloom, sending it flying backwards.

“A beautifully placed Mega Punch by Nidoking, this may end the game for Breloom!” the commentator yelled into his microphone.

“Wow! That Pokémon is really strong isn’t it mum?” a young child asked as he watched the battle on a television.

“Yes, of course dear. That trainer would have been training it a lot. After all, he’s reached the championship round,” his mother replied.

“Oooh…” he said with an admiring voice.

“Nidoking, finish it off with Horn Attack!”
The Nidoking charged forwards toward the Breloom, head bent down. It jumped, ready to stab its horn into its unfortunate victim.


“Breloom, now!”
Breloom suddenly leapt up and laid an uppercut to the underside of the Nidoking, knocking it out of the air. The Breloom dashed forward and uppercut the Nidoking into the sky.

“This is ours Breloom! End it with Mega Kick!”
The Breloom jumped up and smashed its small legs into the Nidoking with surprising force, sending it crashing to the ground. The Nidoking staggered to its feet, reeling from the hit.

“Whoa! And the Nidoking survives a massive hit from Breloom but I don’t think it’ll last long!” the commentator shouted.

“Come on! Mach Punch it!”
Before the Nidoking could return to its senses, Breloom came crashing upon it with a Mach Punch to the head, knocking it out.

“And Nidoking is unable to battle! Keldon wins!” the commentator yelled excitedly. “Hoenn, this is your new champion, Keldon Maraw!"

A brown haired boy leaped onto the grassy battle field and hugged his Pokémon. Both of the waved, grinning, to the excited crowd. The other trainer walked over and they shook hands before going their separate ways.

“Yay for Keldon!” the child shouted, jumping up and down. “Mum, do you think I could become a trainer like that?”

“Yes, of course, but you need to get to bed now, it’s very late,” his mother replied, picking him up and taking him into his room.


“You know what, mum?” he asked, still overexcited.

“What?”

“I’m going to be the best trainer ever!”
-------------------------
I know, it's sorta short, but I wanted it to end on that line, so...yeah...
C&C appreciated!
Everything ends,
and that's always sad.
But everything begins again, too,
and that's always happy.
Behind You.
Seen February 16th, 2011
Posted February 25th, 2010
128 posts
15 Years
“Breloom, Mach Punch right through the attack!”
It's in Bold...

Also, Short. Those are the only real flaws. Maybe the Nidoking. That's in the FR opening.

~Waffles
Shedinja @ Life Orb
Bold
252 HP/252 Sp Def/4 Def
Sandstorm
Double-Edge
Leech Life
Rest



"Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish and you feed him for a lifetime" - Lao Tzu

Alter Ego

that evil mod from hell

Age 35
Touhou land, grazing danmaku all the way
Seen August 8th, 2010
Posted June 4th, 2010
5,751 posts
17.9 Years
I beg to differ on the battle scenes thing, actually. That was supposed to be an action scene, yet to me it just looked very, very choppy. It was basically following the pattern of 'command, description of command, lather, rinse and repeat.' all the way through, save for the odd spectator comment. This splinters up the action into little blocks rather than making it a unified whole, which just prevented me from getting any feel of intensity or action from the battle. In my mind's eye, that just played out as the kind of bap-by-bap exchange of blows that I can play out on my DS without even looking at it (complete with only one party ever being in motion at a time), and given that this is supposed to be a league championship final - y'know, the biggest pokémon battling spectacle of the year? - that's not a good thing. :\ I was expecting thrill, I was expecting a grand stage, I was expecting cool trainers with stage charisma and trash talk, I was expecting a commentator who would really hype the whole thing up to an almost ridiculous extreme, I was expecting cheering crowds and bated breaths and carefully calculated maneuvers and lots of those little details that make all the difference (how are the battlers holding up? Isn't that one trainer looking just a little bit tense? Any body language on those pokémon? How come we barely even see these pokémon making contact?), and all I get is this? Not even any of the real contact and fistycuffs? Did 4kids produce this coverage? I want a refund on my ticket! :|

It's like...I think you knew that people would want description of how the attacks look, so you put something on there, but you just kind of dropped off every time a new command was needed so it just became a bunch of lonely little sentences. There is a similar lack of description in the interaction between the boy and his mum. I'm not saying that you should add ridiculously detailed physical descrips (on the contrary; such would be harmful for a scene as sort as this one as they would kill the tempo); but I'd like to see more body language and tone (the jumping is a good start, but what about his facial expression? What about his mum's?). Overall, I was just left with the impression that something is...missing here, like I'm looking at a skeleton of your prologue rather than the real thing.

Also, there is still the wtfudgery of how on earth you can just run through an earthquake attack? Wouldn't the shockwaves have knocked Breloom down? Some form of aerial attack (like, say, a Sky Uppercut, or an attack that's actually a good idea against a poison type, goodness forbid) would have made a lot more sense.

So yes, more emotion and less choppiness, please. Try to capture the thrill of that battle; make us as excited about it as our apparent protagonist-to-be is.

In comparison to the x-amount of Imma-pokémaster fics that I have read thus far, this one is...cookie-cutter, really. Main protagonist watches championship match on TV and wants to become pokémon master? That's one of the oldest approaches in the book, and nothing in your prologue thus far has convinced me that this is going to be anything but a very average fic. Your use of language is readable, but not particularly involving or entertaining, and your descriptions are lacking at best. Still, this is only a prologue so I'm withholding any final judgments for now.

Keep working, but make no mistake: you have a ways to go if you want this one to stick out from the crowd.
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Age 27
Male
Best City OCE
Seen October 18th, 2021
Posted April 1st, 2013
5,978 posts
15.1 Years
Was this meant to be both of 'them' ? Good content even if it is a little short, I did enjoy it.
Uh, Keldon and Breloom waved and grinned...
Great you enjoyed it!

Yep, I agree with the others - Length is the only issue here.
You seem to know how to write battling scenes well.
Overall Good story.
Good Luck with your new version.
Thanks...I'll try to lengthen it as much as possible.

I beg to differ on the battle scenes thing, actually. That was supposed to be an action scene, yet to me it just looked very, very choppy. It was basically following the pattern of 'command, description of command, lather, rinse and repeat.' all the way through, save for the odd spectator comment. This splinters up the action into little blocks rather than making it a unified whole, which just prevented me from getting any feel of intensity or action from the battle. In my mind's eye, that just played out as the kind of bap-by-bap exchange of blows that I can play out on my DS without even looking at it (complete with only one party ever being in motion at a time), and given that this is supposed to be a league championship final - y'know, the biggest pokémon battling spectacle of the year? - that's not a good thing. :\ I was expecting thrill, I was expecting a grand stage, I was expecting cool trainers with stage charisma and trash talk, I was expecting a commentator who would really hype the whole thing up to an almost ridiculous extreme, I was expecting cheering crowds and bated breaths and carefully calculated maneuvers and lots of those little details that make all the difference (how are the battlers holding up? Isn't that one trainer looking just a little bit tense? Any body language on those pokémon? How come we barely even see these pokémon making contact?), and all I get is this? Not even any of the real contact and fistycuffs? Did 4kids produce this coverage? I want a refund on my ticket! :|

It's like...I think you knew that people would want description of how the attacks look, so you put something on there, but you just kind of dropped off every time a new command was needed so it just became a bunch of lonely little sentences. There is a similar lack of description in the interaction between the boy and his mum. I'm not saying that you should add ridiculously detailed physical descrips (on the contrary; such would be harmful for a scene as sort as this one as they would kill the tempo); but I'd like to see more body language and tone (the jumping is a good start, but what about his facial expression? What about his mum's?). Overall, I was just left with the impression that something is...missing here, like I'm looking at a skeleton of your prologue rather than the real thing.

Also, there is still the wtfudgery of how on earth you can just run through an earthquake attack? Wouldn't the shockwaves have knocked Breloom down? Some form of aerial attack (like, say, a Sky Uppercut, or an attack that's actually a good idea against a poison type, goodness forbid) would have made a lot more sense.

So yes, more emotion and less choppiness, please. Try to capture the thrill of that battle; make us as excited about it as our apparent protagonist-to-be is.

In comparison to the x-amount of Imma-pokémaster fics that I have read thus far, this one is...cookie-cutter, really. Main protagonist watches championship match on TV and wants to become pokémon master? That's one of the oldest approaches in the book, and nothing in your prologue thus far has convinced me that this is going to be anything but a very average fic. Your use of language is readable, but not particularly involving or entertaining, and your descriptions are lacking at best. Still, this is only a prologue so I'm withholding any final judgments for now.

Keep working, but make no mistake: you have a ways to go if you want this one to stick out from the crowd.
Well...I guess I should have made the battle more interesting and stuff... -erk-
The uh...wtfudgery is...uh...well....x.x I dunno...xD
Yeah, this is one of those Imma-pokemaster fics...xD Hopefully my uh... twists will make it more interesting...Oh no...this doesn't look good for me...It's so...average-OT-and-journey-fic that...yeah.
-sigh- The other stuffs don't even come until...later... Ah, oh well... I'll just keep on writing and see how it goes.

Well, I'll try to brush up on my battles, expecially the really big ones... Anyway, thank's to you all for your reviews and everything. Hopefully, this can get better...xDD
Everything ends,
and that's always sad.
But everything begins again, too,
and that's always happy.
Age 27
Male
Best City OCE
Seen October 18th, 2021
Posted April 1st, 2013
5,978 posts
15.1 Years
Ban-bangaa!!!! Chapter 1 is -gulp- here.
Yeah, enjoy!

------------------------------

“We’re moving to Kanto, honey!” Melinda Forsythe cried cheerily to her son. I’ve got it all organised! We’re moving to a quiet little house in Pallet Town!”

“Eh?” was all the eleven-year-old Mike managed to say before his mother dashed upstairs and started to pack his things into boxes.

“But…Mum! We can’t move now! I was going to get a Pokémon from the Professor!” Mike protested, aghast. “If we move, I’ll have to get used to all the new Pokémon in Kanto!”

“Well your father’s just landed himself a big job at Silph Co.” his mother said down the stairs. “So you’re going to have to get used to it. Now, can you help me with moving this computer?”

Mike sighed. “Alright…” he mumbled with resignation. “I’m coming…”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Alright, put that over there…gently!” Mike’s mother said quickly. “And…take real good care of that! That contains our priceless china dishes!”

The work-Pokémon grumbled as they moved the boxes and furniture into the moving truck.

Mike sighed as he watched the Vigoroth lift the heavy tables and chairs with ease. A Slaking was barking orders lazily as its workmates heaved the boxes of books and toys.

“Oi!” a voice called from behind Mike.

Mike turned around surprised. Behind him stood his childhood friend, Elliot Birch.

“Oh,” Mike said. “Hey.”

“Yeah. You leaving soon?” Elliot asked.

“Oh… in a few minutes or so,” Mike replied sadly.

“Looks like I’m in time then. Here!” He threw Mike a green orb.

“Eh? This…is a Safari Ball, isn’t it?” Mike asked, studying the orb. “Does it have anything in it?

“Well, duh!” Elliot said quickly. “It’s Aip- er… A…Pokémon! Yeah, that’s right!”

Mike grinned. “Whatever ya say!”

“Right…” Elliot kicked the ground softly. “Well…uh…I gotta go…catch some…Pokémon for my dad. Yeah. Well, don’t forget to write! I’ll fill you in on everything going on in Hoenn!”

“Yeah, okay then,” Mike said sombrely as Elliot ran towards his house.

“C’mon Mike! We’re going to Slateport!” his mother called. Next to her was her Swellow, a Pokémon that had been with her since she was ten. “We’ll fly first-class!” she laughed.

The flight, Mike had to admit, was first class. It may not have have been especially comfortable, riding on the back of a Swellow, but it was a great feeling to have wind blowing into his hair.

They reached Slateport City in a matter of minutes and boarded their ship, the Seagallop 0. It was rather old and slightly creaky, but still seaworthy enough.

As the boat climbed over the waves between Hoenn and Kanto, Mike stood at the prow, watching the waves climb and fall in front of him. He tried to stand on one leg but was knocked over by an unexpected wave. The sailor behind him laughed heartily at Mike’s lack of balance.

Mike sighed as he looked out upon the endless sea, wobbling up and down. He had nothing to do for hours before they reached Vermillion. Then, he remembered the Safari Ball Elliot had given him just before he left.

“Hah…you’d better not be tricking me, Elliot, or I’ll look so stupid, again.” He said under his breath. “Go! Pokémon!”

He threw the orb to the ground and it opened, a red beam shooting out. The beam shaped itself into a monkey with a giant hand-shaped tail.

”Aipom!” it cried happily as it bounced on its tail. It agilely leaped onto the prow rail and bounced on its hand along the length of it.


“Hey, Aipom!” Mike laughed. “Come over here!”

“Reah?” the Aipom asked. “Ra-ooh!”

The purple monkey bounced toward Mike, landing on his head. The force of the landing sent Mike to the bottom of the boat, earning him a round of laughs from the sailors.

Aipom laughed mischievously before retreating to escape his new owner.

“Aipom, I’m gonna get you…and when I do, you better watch out!” Mike said grimly, before breaking up in laughter as Aipom tickled him.

“Actually…you know what, Aipom? I think we’re going to be great friends.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Alright, that box…put it there!” the commanding voice of Melinda Forsythe rang through the warm afternoon air of Pallet Town.

Mike sat lazily beside their new house playing a game on his Nintendo DS.

“You Mike?” asked a voice from above.

Mike squinted up at the messy-haired figure. “Yeah, why?”

“Oh? Er…some Elliot Birch kid sent you a le’er, tha’s all.” The boy replied.

Mike stood up in surprise. “What? Well…thanks, I guess.”

“You just moved ‘ere, right?” he asked as he handed over the letter.

“Yeah, why?”

“Well, you know Red? ‘E lived here!” the brown-haird boy proclaimed.

“Uh…who’s Red?” Mike asked, realizing that he would sound stupid.

“Stupid ‘oenn people," the kid muttered. “Red was the champion fifteen years ago! An’ then for the nex’ few years too!”

Then the realization hit Mike like an angry Tauros charging at 100miles per hour. He was living in the house of a former Pokémon Champion!

“Really?!”

“Duuh! That’s wha’ I jus’ said! Wha’ are ya? Some sorta idiot?” he questioned jokingly.

“Great…thanks for delivering the letter, by the way. I have to go and read it,” Mike said quickly, wanting to avoid any more chances of looking stupid in front of a stranger.

“Oh yeah! I still gotta deliver these letta’s! See ya round, Mike!” he said happily.

“Hey, just before you go, what’s your name?”

“Eh? Oh! I completely forgot! Me name’s Luke.”

“Oh, okay then! See you later Luke!”

“Seeya!” Luke said as he jogged off to the next house.

Mike tore the top of the envelope off and began to read the letter inside.

Hey Mike,

I sent this just after you left. Did you get here before the letter?
Well, how’s Aipom? Is he happy with you?

Anywho, back in Littleroot, some girl called Sara moved into your house…

Mike smiled as he folded the letter up and walked inside to read it more easily.
___________________

Right everyone! Hope that was good. Oh, DarthWaffles is my beta reader now!
Everything ends,
and that's always sad.
But everything begins again, too,
and that's always happy.

Azumi

★七色に光る女★

Age 28
Female
SE.RA.PH
Seen January 3rd, 2017
Posted September 7th, 2014
1,631 posts
15.1 Years
And Nidoking is unable to battle! Keldon wins!” the commentator yelled excitedly. Hoenn, this is your new champion, Keldon Maraw!"
You forgot a quotation mark. In Bold.
"Stupid ‘oenn people," the kid muttered. “Red was the champion fifteen years ago! An’ then for the nex’ few years too!”
Erm, do you mean like this? :\
Hey Mike,

I sent this just after you left. Did you get here before the letter?
Well, how’s Aipom? Is he happy with you?

Anywho, back in Littleroot, some girl called May moved into your house…
Hah! May reference~ :)

~SoraNoHana :t025:




Azumi あずみ||:::
deviantart | tumblr | twitter||:::


「我に慢心を捨てろと来たか。||:::
つくづく厚顔なマスターよな!」||:::

Post Office Buddy

Trapped inside this Octavarium

Age 33
Male
Michigan (The land of the ice and snow)
Seen February 6th, 2019
Posted May 30th, 2010
475 posts
15.2 Years
Eh, don't worry about mistakes. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, makes mistakes in their writing. Anyway, this fic is looking good, much better than before if I may say so. You certainly have come a long way from the absence of description and drab dialog your original version had. Not that the first version was bad, it just needed some work in technical areas.

It seems that you are doing quite well my young apprentice. Once I am in a better mood then I shall review this for you. Trust me, you don't want me to review when I'm in a somewhat bad mood...
I am returning once again (hopefully for good). I will be updating Affliction regularly and reviewing other people's fics every so often. If you would like to request a review, then please send me a PM.

My FFC entry for April 2008: My Endless Loneliness
My Discontinued, Chaptered FanFiction: The Fall of Light
My current chaptered FanFiction: Affliction
My Parody of Pure Awesomeness (requires some context to fully appreciate): Sir. Aaron - A Parody
Seen April 7th, 2016
Posted March 28th, 2009
298 posts
14.9 Years
I was very glad to say that I saw very few errors.

The purple monkey bounced toward Mike, landing on his head. The force of the landing sent Mike to the bottom of the boat(earth??), earning him a round of laughs from the sailors.

No need for the parenthesis and what was inside.

“Aipom, I’m gonna get you…and when I do, you better watch out!” Mike said seriously, before breaking up in laughter as Aipom tickled him.
Try something like "seriously" because "grim" is more sad and serious versus angry and serious. I just put "seriously" because I can't think of a better word right now :P

Then the realization hit Mike like an angry Tauros charging at 100miles per hour. He was living in the house of a former Pokémon Champion!
You forgot a space between "100" and "miles." Good metaphor though ^^

Those were the only errors I could catch. Pretty good quality. This also explains how the female character from Hoenn lives in the starter town.

I was originally expecting Mike to run to the Professor and get his Pokemon before he left, but getting an Aipom from the son of the Professor works too ;)

Keep going and Good Luck


Triplets with IceDragon2439 and Buoysel


Age 27
Male
Best City OCE
Seen October 18th, 2021
Posted April 1st, 2013
5,978 posts
15.1 Years
Eh, don't worry about mistakes. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, makes mistakes in their writing. Anyway, this fic is looking good, much better than before if I may say so. You certainly have come a long way from the absence of description and drab dialog your original version had. Not that the first version was bad, it just needed some work in technical areas.

It seems that you are doing quite well my young apprentice. Once I am in a better mood then I shall review this for you. Trust me, you don't want me to review when I'm in a somewhat bad mood...
Thanks ^_^ Means quite a bit when "master" jeffback tells me the fic is better than before. xD
But...wait...when did I become your apprentice?

I was very glad to say that I saw very few errors.
No need for the parenthesis and what was inside.

Ah...yes. That...well, I think I debolded my beta-reader's edits too quickly. xD
Try something like "seriously" because "grim" is more sad and serious versus angry and serious. I just put "seriously" because I can't think of a better word right now :P

Hmmm...nah, I think grimly...no seriously is just serious. Grim is unhappy/sad and serious, even if it's faked. :D
You forgot a space between "100" and "miles." Good metaphor though ^^

Those were the only errors I could catch. Pretty good quality. This also explains how the female character from Hoenn lives in the starter town.

I was originally expecting Mike to run to the Professor and get his Pokemon before he left, but getting an Aipom from the son of the Professor works too ;)

Keep going and Good Luck
Ahah, I like the metaphor too. Originally "hit by and angry Tauros" but changed by the beta reader. Sort of.
Yeaap. That means I can avoid the havoc of getting a starter Pokemon in Pallet Town. :D
And, hopefully this came out, he got it cos they're family friends. :)
Everything ends,
and that's always sad.
But everything begins again, too,
and that's always happy.
Behind You.
Seen February 16th, 2011
Posted February 25th, 2010
128 posts
15 Years
Finish. Now. Nah, I'm kidding, just giving you a reminder that this thread still exists. Or something like that.
Shedinja @ Life Orb
Bold
252 HP/252 Sp Def/4 Def
Sandstorm
Double-Edge
Leech Life
Rest



"Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish and you feed him for a lifetime" - Lao Tzu