A Trainers Destiny

.emerald · Sep 3, 2008

Okay, this is my first fan-fiction, I got intrigued by by what i've read last week & I decided to write one. Its long but interesting. I have three books each consisting of several chapters. Please review it & I hope it pleases your interest!

This is a story about a young trainer who's destiny intertwines with others. The fate of the whole region of Hoenn lies in his hands. He's destiny is the destiny of others as he tries to maintain balance between the two ancient forces which shall wreck havoc in the near future.

Book one: Beginning of a Dream
Chapter one: Story told

"A long time ago, the world was wrecked with devastating earthquakes & massive eruptions.

Adding to that were great floods caused by torrential rainfall.

All these were caused by a ferocious clash between the Pokemon of the Land & the Pokemon of the Sea.

The Pokemon of the Land raised mountains & created continents.

The Pokemon of the Sea raised huge waves & carved out oceans.

Their fierce duel raged without end.

The world was engulfed in massive fires & vicious storms.

It was then that the Pokemon of the Sky descended in a green twilight.

The shining, vivid green Pokemon then let out a deafening roar.

In doing so, it not only becalmed the two, it made them retreat & go into a state of deep slumber.

With its duty done, The Pokemon of the Sky flew up, up into the wild blue yonder…"

This was the story read to me by my grandfather during my bedtime.
Everytime he read it to me, I got more & more intrigued in becoming a trainer.
I felt confidence & a sense of adventure & bravery wash over me.
And after every story, I had dreams.
It was weird but..... It felt real.....
I saw that I was standing infront of the Pokemon of the Sky.
I took a step closer, then closer, until I was a whipering distance away from it.
I can hear its heartbeat, its breathing....
As I touched its green,scally skin, the yellow lines around its body would light up...
And then it would awake looking at me deeply, with its yellow eyes.
It roared, took distance then fly up.

Every birthday, grandfather would remind me that I'm one year older to fulfilling my destiny.
I don't know what he meant by that & the dream I was having.
Little did I know that in distant the future, I would understand what he meant.

.emerald · Sep 3, 2008

Chapter two: Your Destiny starts

At last, the big day came! It was my tenth birthday.

It was the day I would go to the Professor's lab, get my first Pokemon & fulfill my destiny!

Im Tyrese, I was born in Blackthorn City in the Johto region.

Me & my grandfather moved here in Oldale Town here in Hoenn for him to extend his research about ancient Pokemon.

The Hoenn region is beautiful, with its calm & prestine seas it was a huge attraction for tourists everywhere.

Not only that, it was rich in history as well, this was the trait/reason of the Hoenn region that Grandpa would continue he's research.

You see, my grandfather is a fossil researcher.He studies the ancient Pokemon that have long been extinct, along with the stories about them, including the bedtime story he always told me.

"Tyrese wake up! You don't want to be late to that important session of yours with the Proffesor" reminded grandfather with his light-blue eyes fixed up on his wrinkly face with signs of excitement.

"Yeah sure Granpa."

I quickly dressed up & put my trusty running shoes on, I wore my best shirt which has a dark blue background & i picture of a Pokeball on it, I put my leather band on my light,frizzy peach hair. I didn't even have time for breakfast!

"Goodbye Grandpa!"

"Goodbye Tyrese! Be careful on your way toward Littleroot!" Waved Grandfather excitedly.

I clearly noticed the route filled with wild Pokemon.

A striped & furry Zigzagoon, a pack of Poochyena, & a LOT of wurmples. I got to Littleroot on time, I searched around for the Professors lab, anxious to get my first Pokemon.

I saw a not-so-wide building a few blocks from where I was.
I decided to look around, hoping to find who I was looking for.

Thug! I suddenly bumped someone while I was going around the corner of the large building.

"Ow! Watch where your going!" Replied the mystery person.

I thought it was the Professor, but to my disappointment, it was someone else.

A girl, about the same age as me, dark-brown hair, emerald-green eyes, I assume she came here with the same objective as me, she wore a red T-shirt with a skitty picture on it, shorts which didn't reach her knees & a green headband around her hair.

"Here let me help you." I helped her up from the dirty, dusty pavement

"Thanks, um..so… you came here also to get your first Pokemon right?" She asked with curiosity.

"Yeah. Im Tyrese, nice to meet you."

"Hi, Im Kathy,Im sorry for bumping into you like that.." She apologized with her head down, ashamed.

"Nah, its okay. So, what do you say, lets find the Professor together"

"Okay!" She gladly replied then shoke of the dust on her.

As we entered the building, a man's voice shot up from behind us.

"Excuse me, injured Pokemon coming through!"

We gave way for the man & a metal cart with a Pokemon on the cart's cloth.

We were curious enough to see what was going on.

The man was treating a seriously injured Lotad. We saw scratches & bruises on it.

The man, wearing a white lab gown, dark brown hair laid the injured Lotad on a table & treated it.

After a few half hour or so, he nursed it back & gave it bandages.

Kathy asked: "Is it gonna be alright?"

"Yes, as long as it gets plenty of rest. Anyway I thank you for your concern. Ah, so you two are the new trainers right? If I'm not mistaken, your Kathy from Petalburg- I heard your folks are excellent Pokemon Coordinators am I right?"
He asked.

"Um.. Yes, I want to follow Mom & Dads footsteps." Replied Kathy with determination.

"And your Tyrese from Oldale. Me & your Grandfather are good friends, we researched a lot about ancient Pokemon when we were still young." Said the man.

"You know Grandpa?"

"That's right". He replied.

"Are you the Professor?" Kathy asked hastily.

"Yup, I'm Professor Birch." He replied with a smile on his face.

.emerald · Sep 3, 2008

Chapter three: Our First partners.

"Okay you two, here are your starting Pokemon." Professor Birch took out three Pokeballs from his pocket, then threw them into the air.

"Come out everybody!" He said smiling.

The Pokeballs burst open letting out three unique Pokemon.

"Okay, your choices are Treecko-a grass Pokemon,"

The green Pokemon looked at me with its yellow, piercing eyes.

As if trying to convince me to choose it. Sure enough, I was convinced.

"Torchic-a fire type."

I noticed that Kathy had something about the Torchic that piqued her interest.

She looked deeply into the Fire Pokemon's sparkling, black eyes.

I thought to myself that I had only two Pokemon to choose from because it seems that Kathy had already chosen the Torchic.

"And the last one, Mudkip-a water type."

"I choose Torchic Professor Birch!" Kathy abruptly answered.

"Good choice Kathy, what about you Tyrese, have you made up your mind?" asked Professor Birch.

It was definitely a hard choice. I liked the fiery determination of the Treecko, but the Mudkip looked cuter & stronger. But finally I made up my mind.

"I choose…"

There was a moment of silence.

"I choose Treecko!" When I said those words, Treecko leaped on to my shoulder, as if thanking me for choosing it.

"It seems Treecko is already attached to you." Noticed Professor Birch.

"It really is Professor,It really is.."

"Now that that's done, here." Professor handed out five Pokeballs each & two Pokedexes for the two of us.

"This is a Pokedex, if you see or capture a Pokemon, its data will be automatically registered in it. Here, five Pokeballs, capture wild Pokemon with these." He explained.

"Okay, you two be careful, Oh! Yes I forgot to give you two a word of advice, go to Oldale town, then to Petalburg, cut through Petalburg woods then into Rustboro-here you will have your first Gym battle" He explained.

After that we left Littleroot waving goodbye to the Professor, happy & content to have our very first partners with us.

okay, I think this is the last one for today.
Ill still edit my other chapters. I hope you enjoy the first three^_^"!

Percy Thrillington · Sep 3, 2008

Okay, first impressions:

1). This is way too short. It's not even funny. I'm doubting that any of your chapters are covering more than a page. Your chapters should be three or four pages long, measured on Microsoft Word.

2). Where's the description? What do the main characters look like? What do the Pokémon look like? Pretend an alien who just landed on earth is reading your story; would it understand your story? Of course not.

3). Your grammar needs improving. I'm seeing missing apostrophes, silly mistakes that could easily have been fixed if you used a Spellchecker and grammatical errors all over the place.

4). I can hardly read this. At the start of a new paragraph or when someone begins to speak, hit the enter button twice. Not only does it make reading your story easier, it also makes the story longer.

5). Stop posting so many chapters so fast. How many did you post today? Three? People want to read your story; they don't want to be bombarded by posts that could have easily been made into one.

Ill still edit my other chapters. I hope you enjoy the first three

No, no no. If you're not happy with your chapters and you know that they need improving, don't post them and say that you'll edit them later. Edit them, rewrite them, edit them again, realise you're not happy with the story so far, delete it and start again. Do whatever you need to do to make sure your chapters are perfect. No one wants to read chapters that aren't completely finished so why present us with them?

This seems to be the same clichéd trainer story everyone is used to and it seems to be going in the same direction everyone expects it to go in. That's okay, but my advice is to not make it too predictable and add a few plot twists here and there.

Other than the many faults I've pointed out; if you shape it up as I and other will suggest, you could end up writing a masterpiece.

.emerald · Sep 4, 2008

Rekhyt said:
Okay, first impressions:

1). This is way too short. It's not even funny. I'm doubting that any of your chapters are covering more than a page. Your chapters should be three or four pages long, measured on Microsoft Word.

2). Where's the description? What do the main characters look like? What do the Pokémon look like? Pretend an alien who just landed on earth is reading your story; would it understand your story? Of course not.

3). Your grammar needs improving. I'm seeing missing apostrophes, silly mistakes that could easily have been fixed if you used a Spellchecker and grammatical errors all over the place.

4). I can hardly read this. At the start of a new paragraph or when someone begins to speak, hit the enter button twice. Not only does it make reading your story easier, it also makes the story longer.

5). Stop posting so many chapters so fast. How many did you post today? Three? People want to read your story; they don't want to be bombarded by posts that could have easily been made into one.

No, no no. If you're not happy with your chapters and you know that they need improving, don't post them and say that you'll edit them later. Edit them, rewrite them, edit them again, realise you're not happy with the story so far, delete it and start again. Do whatever you need to do to make sure your chapters are perfect. No one wants to read chapters that aren't completely finished so why present us with them?

This seems to be the same clichéd trainer story everyone is used to and it seems to be going in the same direction everyone expects it to go in. That's okay, but my advice is to not make it too predictable and add a few plot twists here and there.

Other than the many faults I've pointed out; if you shape it up as I and other will suggest, you could end up writing a masterpiece.

Well, I'll take your criticism & take it to consideration. Thank you for spotting out the errors. I promise to learn from them.

.emerald · Sep 6, 2008

Okay, with new found Knowledge about fan-fics that Rekhyt gave me, I improved my chapters, so please read them & I hope their better than the last ones.

Chapter four: Journey to Petalburg.

We arrived in Oldale town just after lunch. It was a hot afternoon unlike the warm cooling & refreshing morning hours ago.

The noon sun beating down on our heads, hungry & tired, I offered Kathy to stay at our place for lunch.

"Sure Tyrese!" Kathy replied with an exhausted & relieved look on her face.

We crossed the neighborhood suburban houses through the ruins where my Grandfather conducts his research. Then I saw the familiar scenery above the small hills near the ruins-Home.

"So your Grandfather is a researcher?" asked Kathy with curiosity.

"He sure is, he has a lot of stories about the ancient Pokemon that lived long ago…" I replied

"Oh?, I would like to here some of his stories." wished Kathy.

We arrived at my house. After a few hours, it seemed that I was gone for a few days. I felt good to be home again.

"Hi Grandpa!! I'm back!" I shouted with excitement.

"Hello Tyrese! So, how was your session with the Professor?" asked Grandfather.

"It was great! Oh, yeah let me introduce you, this is Kathy, she also got her first Pokemon from the Professor, we will be accompanying each other on our journeys. "Kathy, this is Alex, As you already heard from me & the Professor, he is my grandfather."

"Nice to meet you Sir! I heard from Tyrese that you know a lot of ancient Pokemon stories." replied Kathy with respect.

"Nice to meet you too Kathy, & yes, I know several stories about ancient Pokemon legends. Anyway, you two look exhausted from walking under the blistering noon sun for a few hours, why not settle for lunch Kathy?" asked Grandpa with a look of concern to Kathy & I.

"Most certainly, It would be rude if I wouldn't accept, & I really feel hunger striking my stomach." joked Kathy.

Grandpa was an excellent cook. Besides the historic & literal arts, he is also a master of the culinary arts.

As he cooked, the scent wafted throughout the dinning room.

"Mmmmm!! Baked Stu! My favorite! You should try it Kathy, its delicious!"
I convinced while tying on a napkin on my neck.

Our Pokemon also deserve to taste the meal. Kathy & I let out our Pokemon.

"Its delicious! The broth is rich in flavor." exclaimed Kathy while taking in a spoonful.

"Treeeeecko!!! Tor-tor-chic!!!" shouted Treecko & Torchic with content over tasting the soup.

"I hope you all liked it!" said Grandfather with a smile on his face.

"Yes we did!!!" We all replied happily in unison.

After the stomach filling lunch, we resumed our journey to Petalburg City.

We waved goodbye to Grandpa & bid him farewell as we walked toward our destination.

As we left Oldale Town, we were on an unfamiliar route. The rest of the way was grown by not so thick vegetation.

The trees were short & stubby so they didn't block out the sunlight that much.
It was still hot, the sun beating down on our heads.

The tall damp grass were home to a lot of Pokemon.

As we walked through the grass, I spotted a dirt path.

"Lets go there, It will be much easier for us to walk than here." I suggested.

"Well, it beats walking on tall grass." agreed Kathy.

Suddenly, a bush beside us started rustling.

"What's that?" asked Kathy with a shaky voice.

"Don't worry, maybe its just a wild Pokemon, I'll check it out to be sure." I said bravely.

As I walked toward the bush, the thing inside jumped out.

I got a startling jolt & called out Treecko. "Go Treecko!" I shouted.

I could only make out of its silhouette a streamline-like body. I couldn't see it clearly because of its unbelievable speed.

"Treecko, use pound!" I ordered.

Treecko quickly lunged toward whatever was rustling up that noise. Treecko turned then….

Pound missed! The fast shadow dodged the attack then turned toward Kathy!!

"Ahhh!!! Tyrese! Help!" Kathy shouted.

There wasn't enough time. Treecko couldn't launch a single attack in time. The figure was already a few feet from Kathy.

"Kathy, watch out!" I shouted at the top of my lungs.

The figure jumped on Kathy. It was to late…

They both rolled down to a clearing near the tall grass.

Before I knew it, all I heard after that was…. LAUGHTER!!!

I couldn't believe what I heard, I heard Kathy laughing!

I rushed toward the clearing & I got puzzled by the weird sight.

It was a Pokemon licking Kathy's face!!

I pulled out the Dex & it identified it as a Linoone.

"Kathy, are you alright?" I asked still baffled by the sight.

"Yes, Tyrese! Hahahah!!!" Kathy replied while trying to escape her face from the wet tongue.

"Um… Kathy, please explain the situation because it seems I'm a bit confused…" I asked.

"Well Okay." She replied while separating herself from the Linoone.

"This is Linny, my mothers award winning Pokemon." she replied.

"Linny?" I asked, still a bit unclear of what she said.

"Yup. Wait, if Linny is out here that means were near to Petalburg City!!! Yehey!!" Shouted Kathy with joy & relief.

END OF FOURTH CHAPTER

.emerald · Sep 6, 2008

Chapter five: Petalburg City at last!

The striped Pokemon, Linny led us to Petalburg before dark. The sky was in a bright orange color. It looked beautiful really.

"Finally, were in Petalburg, thanks to you Linny!" Kathy said while patting the weasel/badger-like creature.

I pulled out my Pokedex from my back pocket.

"Linoone are little weasel/badger-like creatures. Their long bodies are like a weasel's, and their sharp elongated claws are like a badger's. They also have small sharp teeththat are efficiently used with their claws in hunting, Since Linoone have a keen sense of smell, they are able to locate their homes from far away. Linoone are incredibly fast, but they aren't the best at cornering, so they typically run in a straight line, they also have an attraction to anything round, and will grab any round object they see if given the chance. They carry a snatched object in their expandable cheek pouches and deposit it in any of a number of secret stashes they keep on their territory." Dexter explained.

"So that's why it lead us to Petalburg without any mistakes & it also explains why I only so the silhouette." I said while scratching my head.

"Not only that, Linny can learn a whole lot of moves." convinced Kathy.

I could tell that Kathy is excited, she was smiling & walked in an energetic way. Maybe it was because she got her own Pokemon & wants to show it to her Mom & Dad. Either way, I feel the same way as her.

"Here we are!" pointed Kathy to a large mansion. "This is where I live."

I was speechless. The mansion was colossal! The gardens where surrounded by beautiful flowers, large trees, statues, & in front of the driveway was a fountain with a large statue depicting A man, woman & a small girl. I'm guessing its Kathy's family.

As we rang the doorbell, the huge wooden doors opened.

"Mother, Father, I'm home!" Kathy shouted.

"Welcome back Kathy!" Her mother said while going down a spiral, flight of stairs.

Linny hastily ran up the stairs & climbed up the shoulder of Kathy's mom.

"Oh, I see you have found Linny. Apparently he's been sneaking out every night." said Kathy's mom.

"Actually, Linny found us & led us here." Kathy said.

"Us? Oh, you've brought a friend. Hello there I'm Evangeline, Kathy's mom." She introduced.

"Um.. Hello, I'm Tyrese. Your Linoone has a pretty good sense of smell, I owe it to that special ability of Linny that where here & not lost in the woods." I complemented.

"Thank you Tyrese." Thanked Kathy's mom while grooming Linny.

"Um.. Mom, where's Dad?" asked Kathy while looking round.

"He's in Lilycove City, I think he's mentoring other coordinators for the Master Rank Pokemon contest.

"Oh… That's to bad, I wanted to show him my new Pokemon…." Sighed Kathy with disappointment.

"That's alright Kathy, he'll come back soon. Anyway, I'm as curious to know what's your first Pokemon." Asked Kathy's mom.

"Well, if I can't show Dad, I'll show you! Go, Torchic!" Kathy shouted while throwing her Pokeball in the air.

"Tor-tor-chiiiick!!! Shouted the small baby bird-like creature as it ran around.

"How cute!" exclaimed Kathy's mother while looking at the small fire Pokemon.

"Take a good look mother, this is the Pokemon that'll enter & win any Pokemon contest!" shouted Kathy with her eyes again burning up with fiery determination.

"Well I assume you started training it already." Guessed Kathy's mother.

"Um… well, not yet really. Hehehehehe…" Kathy said while rubbing her head.

"Anyhow, Chef Lamar had already cooked dinner. Would you like to join us Tyrese?" offered Kath's mom.

"Sure, I'd love to." I said rubbing my stomach.

"Ready your appetite you two, tonight's dinner is special." Blinked Kathy's mom.

As we entered the huge dinning room, I saw a lot of candles, they were all lit up. The ceiling was glazed with a beautiful chandelier, the chairs were tall-standing & carved from head to foot with embossed sculptures & words. The table was long, & enough to dine on with dozens of guests, the table mat was made from Pokemon silk, there were a lot of plates, condiments & what really caught my eye was an ice statue depicting a Linoone & a Delcatty. It was beautifully carved & it was 4 feet high.

"Wow." Was all I could mutter up at the sight of the dinning room.

The atmosphere was totally different from what I expected.

I felt a sense of peace & unity around the room. The aura was really different.

"Wait till you see the food Tyrese." Said Kathy.

We sat down on the chairs, Kathy & her mom on the side while I'm on adjacent to them.

When the kitchen doors opened, a sumptuous aroma wafted throughout the room.

A few waiters came out pushing silver carts. They brought out marble plates that were covered with aluminum domes.

"Here it is, enjoy Madame!" a man said at the other end of the table. I'm guessing its Chef Lamar.

As the waiters opened up the marble plates, the vapor that came out smelled heavenly.

"Delicious! Just the same as Granpa has done it!" I said while eating mouthfuls of the food.

The chef also prepared scrumptious & nutritious food for Treeco & Torchic.

"Mind your manners Tyrese!" Kathy said with embarrassment.

"Its okay Kathy." smiled Kathy's mom.

After dinner, Kathy's mom was kind enough to let me stay here for the night.

The maids led me to my room. The sight was just as unbelievable as the front of the mansion & the dinning room.

The master bedroom had a soft & plushy bed near the moonlit window. The carpet was soft & the ceiling had a mini chandelier. There was a robe closet & a bathroom in it. Their were towels, blankets & pillows with the utmost softness, their were flowers around the room giving off a soothing fragrance. The walls were made from marble & small jewels & diamonds.

Truly the atmosphere was soul-soothing.

But no matter how awesome the room was, I couldn't sleep. Maybe it was the delicious cooking of the chef or the "feeling" that I felt whenever Granpa would tell me the story he used to tell me that wouldn't allow me the rest.

I tossed & turned, but after a while I decided to take a walk around the garden.

I left the room, tip-toeing, careful not to wake anyone. I opened the wooden doors carefully.

As I walked in the moonlit garden, I had time to notice the star-spangled sky coating the garden. The heavenly light from above gave the garden a wholesome & amazing appearance. As I walked, I heard a sound from behind me.

"Come out whoever you are!" I said with a bit of trembling in my voice.

"Treecko!!"

Out came Treecko, looking at me with those eyes again. I'm guessing it didn't feel my presence when I left, so It felt worried, then looked for me.

I felt touched by its concern, so I invited it to walk with me.

"Do you want to join me Treecko?" I asked.

It nodded & jumped to my shoulder.

We climbed a nearby tree & lied down on one of the branches looking above the starlit sky.

"You know Treecko, It makes me wonder what our destinies are." I said while looking up the sky.

"Treeeeeecko.." It said as if answering to my question.

"Do you have your own destiny Treecko?" I asked then turned my head to look at Treecko.

Treecko turned to me & said as if telling me its own: "Treecko-Treecko-Treecko."

"Well, I'll do everything that I can to help for it to come true." I said smiling to it.

"Treecko!!" It said them hopped to me & curled up, all comfy a warm.

As I was looking up the stars I noticed that their was something rustling up the grass.

I saw that Linny has escaped again like what Kathy's mom has mentioned.

"Hmm…. I wonder what its up to…." I asked to myself.

Linny then disappeared to the inky darkness beyond.

I decided to go back to bed as I saw Linny disappear. The following day I would tell Kathy's mom to what I saw.

I dozed off, feeling content that Me & Treecko's destiny intertwined. It felt good.

After that magical & near-sleepless night, I told Kathy's mom to what had happened. She wasn't surprised to what I said & just closed the matter. We resumed our journey. I thanked Kathy & her mother for their hospitability.

"Oh, wait Kathy, here!" Her mother handed us a device. "It's a Pokenav, use it to navigate yourself to the Hoenn region, It'll come in handy, trust me." She said.

Again I thanked Kathy's mother for her generosity.

Kathy waved goodbye with teary eyes to her mother as we disappeared into the morning horizon.

THE END OF CHAPTER FIVE

bobandbill · Sep 6, 2008

Okay, with new found Knowledge about fan-fics that Rekhyt gave me, I improved my chapters, so please read them & I hope their better than the last ones.

Well, I'll take your criticism & take it to consideration. Thank you for spotting out the errors. I promise to learn from them.

Lies, lie, lies.

Well, maybe not all of it, but you certainly didn't do near enough, IMHO.

If you did go back to the previous chapters, well, i don't see much evidence of major improvement. There's still a major lack of description here. What does the setting look like? The characters? How they do things? The Pokemon? I do not see any evidence of this. The main character - well, ten years old, has trusty running boots, and... well, that's it! How can we know what she looks like if there's nothing telling us what she looks like! Clothes? Big or small? Hair colour and style? Personality! Where's that? How does she do things - shyly, or confidently?

You NEED to consider these aspects for a story. Description is a intregral part of a good story - but yours has an notable absence of it.
Now, in the last chapter, there ARE bits and pieces of this. Noticeable improvement there - but only in small sections from time to time. Don't do some, think 'heh, that's enough for now', and go back to dialogue. Spread the description out some more. And use more of it.

But you didn't fix the first few chapters enough. No description there. What are people going to read first when they visit this thread? The first chapters. If they don't like it, they'll stop reading - therefore it's important to make the whole fic of a high standard, not just parts of it.

There are small mistakes everywhere as well. Noticable punctuation mistakes and and all. I reccommend reading DarkPersian's Grammer Advice thread, as there is a good explanation for what's right and what's wrong, including on the really nitpicky rules concerning dialogue. Chances are you'll learn something - heck, I did, for there are a number of little rules on punctuation and all.

Also - you ignored the part on posting chapters quickly. You posted three in a day, and someone said that it's not a good idea. So you then post two in one day thus far! How is that any better?

An unwritten law of fanfiction is to slow down the chapter updates - give about a week minimum, generally. This gives you time to edit the story, improve on it, and so forth. Heck - the better writers commonly take ages - months for chapter updates! But their work is good for that reason - they took their time in making it good, and didn't rush their work. For rusing writing is one of the worst things you can do. Just slow down, and give readers time to catch up as well. Reading several chapters isn more daunting for new readers as opposed to one or two.

You're new to this it seems. I suggest firstly having a look at the better written fics around here. Get an idea of how the better writers do their thing, and how they use description. Take a look at that other thread I mentioned. And for goodness sakes slow down. Nothing bad is going to happen if you take time to write new content or post new content - rushing it will. Instead, take the time to fix the previous chapters. Use more description, fix those mistakes, and think your fic further. Characters, plot, everything. I'd also advise getting a Beta Reader (see the Beta Thread) to help you in your story - they tend to be quite helpful for new writers.

Sorry if I sounded harsh, but your story does need way more work there. REALLY listen to what Rekhyt said there, and really do implement those things in your writing and what you do. It's only being of benefit for you and your story, and are important basic things in writing. Don't rush things, read other people's work, read the guides on writing around here and in the loungue, and good luck for your fic in the future. Realise that good stories do need work put in - a fair bit of it.

.emerald · Sep 6, 2008

bobandbill said:
Lies, lie, lies.

Well, maybe not all of it, but you certainly didn't do near enough, IMHO.

If you did go back to the previous chapters, well, i don't see much evidence of major improvement. There's still a major lack of description here. What does the setting look like? The characters? How they do things? The Pokemon? I do not see any evidence of this. The main character - well, ten years old, has trusty running boots, and... well, that's it! How can we know what she looks like if there's nothing telling us what she looks like! Clothes? Big or small? Hair colour and style? Personality! Where's that? How does she do things - shyly, or confidently?

You NEED to consider these aspects for a story. Description is a intregral part of a good story - but yours has an notable absence of it.
Now, in the last chapter, there ARE bits and pieces of this. Noticeable improvement there - but only in small sections from time to time. Don't do some, think 'heh, that's enough for now', and go back to dialogue. Spread the description out some more. And use more of it.

But you didn't fix the first few chapters enough. No description there. What are people going to read first when they visit this thread? The first chapters. If they don't like it, they'll stop reading - therefore it's important to make the whole fic of a high standard, not just parts of it.

There are small mistakes everywhere as well. Noticable punctuation mistakes and and all. I reccommend reading DarkPersian's Grammer Advice thread, as there is a good explanation for what's right and what's wrong, including on the really nitpicky rules concerning dialogue. Chances are you'll learn something - heck, I did, for there are a number of little rules on punctuation and all.

Also - you ignored the part on posting chapters quickly. You posted three in a day, and someone said that it's not a good idea. So you then post two in one day thus far! How is that any better?

An unwritten law of fanfiction is to slow down the chapter updates - give about a week minimum, generally. This gives you time to edit the story, improve on it, and so forth. Heck - the better writers commonly take ages - months for chapter updates! But their work is good for that reason - they took their time in making it good, and didn't rush their work. For rusing writing is one of the worst things you can do. Just slow down, and give readers time to catch up as well. Reading several chapters isn more daunting for new readers as opposed to one or two.

You're new to this it seems. I suggest firstly having a look at the better written fics around here. Get an idea of how the better writers do their thing, and how they use description. Take a look at that other thread I mentioned. And for goodness sakes slow down. Nothing bad is going to happen if you take time to write new content or post new content - rushing it will. Instead, take the time to fix the previous chapters. Use more description, fix those mistakes, and think your fic further. Characters, plot, everything. I'd also advise getting a Beta Reader (see the Beta Thread) to help you in your story - they tend to be quite helpful for new writers.

Sorry if I sounded harsh, but your story does need way more work there. REALLY listen to what Rekhyt said there, and really do implement those things in your writing and what you do. It's only being of benefit for you and your story, and are important basic things in writing. Don't rush things, read other people's work, read the guides on writing around here and in the loungue, and good luck for your fic in the future. Realise that good stories do need work put in - a fair bit of it.

Well, I now see the many errors I have committed, & no you didn't sound harsh, its just the right motivation for me to improve my first fan-fic. Thank you & good day.

.emerald · Sep 13, 2008

Chapter six:Struggles in the woods

Petalburg City, situated at Hoenn's west coastline. To the west of this incredibly attractive city is the Petalburg woods.

The Petalburg woods is a forest that connects Petalburg to Rustboro City. Our next destination.

Kathy & I came prepared. We entered the thick forested area situated north-west of the periphery of Petalburg.

Inside, we saw the deep underbrush teaming with life. Although the trees in this forest block out most of the sunlight, life here does not cease to exist.

We saw all kinds of Pokemon lurking in the thick vegetation. It wasn't hard to get around because their were dirt paths all around. The people of Petalburg use these routes through Pealburg woods to get to Rustboro. It wasn't surprising to why the paths where here in the first place.

We got out from the woods & saw their was a river flowing by the forest.

Kathy & I decided to follow it so it would be easier to navigate around the woodland.

"The Pokenav shows were still a bit far." Showed Kathy.

"Lets keep following the river, I'm guessing it will lead us to Rustboro." I said while pointing to the river.

The sun became a lot hotter from before, meaning-ITS LUNCH! It was twelve noon so we had to take shade under a tree.

Kathy's mom, with her all so great openhandedness packed us lunch for Me, Kathy & our Pokemon.

As we prepared lunch, a whole lot of Pokemon were attracted by the scent. We gave the wild Pokemon a nibble or two.

Suddenly, Treecko & Torchic stopped eating then, rushed to the woods.

"Where are you going Torchic, wait!!" Shouted Kathy.

We followed are Pokemon to the forest, then we heard a bawl for help.

"Please no, don't take my credentials!" wept the voice that was heading toward the direction Treecko & Torchic where in.

"Hand it over!" demanded a man who was dressed in a pirate outfit with a blue headband & a bizarre emblem on it.

"N…. No!" Cooed the man, wearing a business coat & clenching a small, leather suitcase

"Hand over the suitcase or else!" Coerced the other man.

The man with the suitcase noticed us. He ran towards us & hid behind our back.

"Please, your trainers aren't you? Please protect me!!" He pleaded.

"So you two desire to interfere in Team Aqua's affairs? Well, then you shall feel our wrath!" He exclaimed then threw out a Pokeball.

"Go Poochyena!"

The Pokemon came out growling & showing its razor-sharp teeth, daunting Torchic & Treecko.

"I'll take this battle Kathy. Treecko, don't get fooled by its looks." I encouraged

"Poochyena, use tackle!"

The small & feisty Pokemon came charging in the direction of Treecko, intent on striking it.

"Treecko, use quick attack to dodge!"

Treecko burst into intense speed going the opposite direction of the charging Poochyena. Treecko evaded the attack before it got hit.

"Now Treecko, turn that quick attack a pound!"

Treecko jumped into the air, slamming its green appendage into the unsuspecting Poochyena. The Pokemon, tossed aside & hit a nearby tree.

"Poochyena, hang on, use bite!"

The Pokemon got up, shook its head & aimed its razor-sharp teeth at Treecko.

"Treecko, get out of there!"

It was too late, Poochyena bit Treecko in the upper limb. Treecko howled in pain.

"Poochyena use bite again!"

For a second time, Poochyena came charging again.

"Treecko, come on! Use pound!'

Treecko jumped inspite of its injury. It turned dodging the Bite attack, Treecko mustered all its remaining strength to hit the Pokemon, it aimed & whacked its tail on Poochyena. The Poochyena slid across the dusty forest ground.

"Get up! Get up!" roared the man.

Poochyena tried to get up, but after a short struggle, it lost consciousness.

"Grr… You won't see the last of Team Aqua! Boss will be disappointed once he hears that I didn't get the credentials…" he grunted as he called back the defeated Pokemon.

"Oh, thank you! I'll make it up to you in Rustboro City! Then the man with the suitcase ran off, fading into the deep underbrush.

"Wait! We aren't familiar around these woods…" Called out Kathy with a fading voice.

"Oh, great! We saved someone who didn't even give us knowledge on how to get out of here!" I complained as I called back the exhausted Treecko.

"Its getting dark, do you think we should keep moving?" asked Kathy with a troubled tone in her voice.

"Yes I think so." I said & looked into the darkened, evening sky.

The night had a chilly & eerie atmosphere. It was pitch black, we couldn't see a thing. The tall, woody, trees covered the canopy & blocked out the moonlight. The silence was disturbing, the only sounds we could hear was our feet stamping the muddy, leaf-filled, damp ground.

It felt like hours as we ventured on.

"We should take a rest Tyrese, I'm so tired!" pressed Kathy.

"Okay." I agreed then I looked back at her. I too was feeling exhausted, my feet were killing me.

We stopped & rested our backs on the base of a tree. I thought to myself that if it hadn't been for Team Aqua, we would've arrived at Rustboro before nightfall.
But it's to late…

We dozed off despite the humidity & the ambiance of the forest.

Suddenly, I woke up, in cold sweat.
I could feel something, something watching us.

I turned to Kathy, she was still sleeping. I shook her, trying to wake her up.

"Kathy! Kathy! Wake up!" I panicked as I felt that spine-chilling feeling.

"Huh? Tyrese what's the matter?" she asked while rubbing her eyes.

"Let's go." I hastily answered.

I grabbed her hand, even though she was half asleep.

It was strange, the feeling was just so…. so creepy. I was ready to pull out Treecko's ball from my jeans when something suddenly came out.

I could feel it, looking at us with evil intent. Those piercing red eyes as if peering into my soul…

"Tyrese, wait!" Kathy urged.

"We need to find a way out of these trees!" I snapped.

"But why?" Kathy asked with fear & curiosity.

"I'll explain to you later, in a safer spot. Just not here," I said.

We saw a clearing nearby. It was weird but, the moonlight was shining in that particular spot. The tree's branches must've snapped off allowing light to enter the forest floor. But this wasn't of any concern to me at that time.

"Let's go there, it looks safe enough," I pointed.

We headed toward the clearing, certain danger wouldn't reach us.

"So, clarify to me, why did we need to get out of the vegetation quickly & into this clearing?" Kathy asked.

"Because, something was in there!" I exclaimed.

"What? What was in there?" Kathy asked then pointed in the direction we came.

"I could feel them watching us, I don't know who or what was watching us, the only thing I know, it didn't feel right…" I said with a trembling voice.

"Why in the clearing? Why here?" she asked again.

"Because if whatever thing came out, we would know where they are, in clear light! It would be much easier for us to make out & fight whatever was looking at us than in utter darkness!" I explained.

Then, we heard aberrant howling coming from all directions. After that, we saw crimson eyes around us, blanketed in the thick darkness.

"Wha…What are those!?" Screamed Kathy.

"Those must be the things that were watching us," I said unpleasantly.

Then, out came black & grey wolf like creatures in to the moonlight growling deeply at us, it seems that they have cornered us all around.

I slowly took out my Pokedex from the back pocket of my jeans, flipped it carefully & pointed it towards those nerve-racking creatures.

"Mightyena live in packs led by a dominant Alpha Male and his mate. These wolf-like Pokémon use a number of vocal sounds to communicate with each other over a distance. When a scout sights prey, it alerts the pack with a loud howl. The pack divides into two groups for the hunt, one chasing the prey to a specific point, and the other jumping out in an ambush. Mightyena gives obvious signals when it is preparing to attack. This Pokémon will bite savagely with its sharply pointed fangs," explained Dexter.

I turned my head slowly to Kathy. She looked paralyzed in fear upon hearing the Pokedex data.

I cautiously pulled Treecko's ball from my jeans. But, as every action I took, the Mightyena would come closer, ready to pounce & attack.

"Come on Kathy, please! Snap out of it," I softly encouraged.

"O..Ok…Okay," She trembled.

"Go Treecko!"

"Go Torchic!"

As we threw our Pokeballs into the air, the whole pack pounced toward us. When abruptly, a strident & deafening howl pierced through the air. Then, out came another Mightyena, superior than the rest & it looked more menacing. But what really caught my eye was the enormous scar casing its left eye. As it appeared, the others went back.

At the sight of this, Torchic hid behind Kathy, trembling in fear.

The Mightyena focused its red, scarred eyes on Treecko, as if challenging it to a one on one combat.

Mightyena suddenly charged toward Treecko with lightning speed.

"Treecko, quick attack!"

Treecko did the same, it dodged Mightyena's assault in the air. Mightyena stopped, then opened its jaws, releasing a ball of dark energy. It headed toward the airborne Treecko.

The ball hit it in the abdomen. Treecko tossed in the air hitting hard in the ground.

"Treecko! Get up!" I shouted.

But as Treecko got up, Mightyena charged toward it again.

It was too late, it had not enough energy due to the last battle I had with Team Aqua. Mightyena striked Treecko hard, catapulting it to a tree.

After that attack, I saw Treecko, unconscious…

The Mightyena turned & locked its vicious eyes at Kathy.

I turned my head to Kathy. I saw her eyes widen even more with fear.

"Kathy, watch out!" I yelled. Kathy just stood there, immobilized with the beast's glare. I couldn't do a single thing to help her, for if I would move, the other Mightyena's would rip me to shreds. The same gory ending…

Mightyena was charging toward Kathy with those pointed fangs. When all of a sudden, Torchic went in front of Kathy & used ember to protect its trainer. The balls of fire stung the Mightyena's body. The Mightyena shook itself to relieve the pain, that attack wasn't even enough to faze it, its mouth opened, letting out a dark ball of energy again. The ball headed toward the Torchic, knocking it out cold.

This time, no escape, no walls to hold it back. Kathy was the target. It ran toward the paralyzed Kathy, ready to bite. It raged toward her.

I know I would end the same way as Kathy will…

It was only a few seconds before Kathy would…...

Then suddenly, my body took control of itself. My heart was beating fast. My body gave me energy for a temporary boost to my legs. It was unconscious control, I was heading toward Kathy. I felt that my body was completely numb.

I abruptly stopped in front of Kathy, my right arm, across. I had regained control, but I felt a searing pain on my right arm. As I looked, I saw the Mightyena, sinking its jaws into my skin instead of Kathy's. It felt like throbbing, I could see Kathy's expression riddled in her fair skin, it wasn't fear anymore, it was shock. The dawn light pierced through the perpetual darkness, finally. After that, I only saw my world being consumed by the dark shadows.

Where am I?

Am I dreaming?

Am I dead?

What happens now?

What happens to my destiny?

A Trainers Destiny

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