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Old September 3rd, 2008 (8:33 AM). Edited September 3rd, 2008 by bobby681.
bobby681 bobby681 is offline
     
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    The flip of a coin, a roll of a dice
    Boiling water, or freezing ice

    Should I remember or should I forget
    About that girl on the train I once met
    There you were and I was scared
    Now I know, I should have dared
    To speak, to chat, to find out your name
    Never said a word, smiled all the same
    When you got off, you waved me goodbye
    I was so happy, I didn't know why

    Two years on and I still haven't changed
    Went to the cinema, talked while it rained
    I went away, it all went to pot
    I thought I did, I guess I did not
    I said I was sorry, that I was a twat
    That you must have been blind as a bat
    To make the mistake twice, you hadn't learned
    That I'd mess up and leave you burned

    I told her about it, she took it all in
    I was quite sad, she made me grin
    Couple of weeks on, I no longer cared
    Something happened, I did it, I dared
    To hold you in my arms, to never let go
    Nothing could stop me, rain hail or snow
    Then it was over, it happened so fast
    From then on out, it was the past

    That brings me to now, the final chapter
    The burning question, the deciding factor
    Where can I run to, where should I hide?
    Should I rush on or should I bide
    My time, untill I know
    Wether it's high, or if it's low

    The flip of a coin, the throw of a dice
    Boiling water, or freezing ice...
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      #2    
    Old September 3rd, 2008 (11:40 AM).
    Avey's Avatar
    Avey Avey is offline
    The Mad Hatter
       
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      Posts: 4,424
      I like this quite a lot, bobby. Chance has always been something to marvel at, seeing as you never know what's going to happen and for me, that is exactly what this poem has demonstrated. Every lyric sailed clearly in my sea of thought; your skills at keeping the tempo are very good.

      I did find a few things that you might want to consider changing:

      Quote:
      Originally Posted by bobby681 View Post
      Should I remember or should I forget
      About that girl on the train that I once met
      The word in bold sort of crushes the tempo; I suggest taking it out.

      Quote:
      Two years on and I still havn't changed
      Went to the cinema, talked while it rained
      Here, you spelled haven't wrong.

      Quote:
      Couple of weeks on, I no longer cared
      Something happend, I did it, I dared
      And here, you spelled happened wrong.

      Other than those mistakes, I thoroughly enjoyed the poem and I'm hoping to see more from you in the future.
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      'It's been a prevalent notion. Fallen sparks. Fragments of vessels broken at the Creation. And someday, somehow, before the end, a gathering back to home. A messenger from the Kingdom, arriving at the last moment. But I tell you there is no such message, no such home -- only the millions of last moments . . . nothing more. Our history is an aggregate of last moments.'
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        #3    
      Old September 3rd, 2008 (12:33 PM).
      N-XIGE's Avatar
      N-XIGE N-XIGE is offline
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        Spoiler:
        Quote:
        That brings me to now, the final chapter
        The burning question, the deciding factor

        You were trying to rhyme through out...guess this one was your flaw.

        The flip of a coin, the throw of a dice
        Boiling hot, or freezing ice...

        Boiling hot and Freezing Ice...hot and Ice are not really Opposites...

        (Could replace the Hot with water)


        Hope you aren't angry...but I'll rate this...9/10
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          #4    
        Old September 3rd, 2008 (1:36 PM).
        bobby681 bobby681 is offline
           
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          Thank's for your comments, I made some adjustments. Except for the rhyme thing, I suppise its where I live but I say chapter and factor pretty much the same.
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            #5    
          Old September 3rd, 2008 (2:07 PM).
          N-XIGE's Avatar
          N-XIGE N-XIGE is offline
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            I'm not saying that you have to change it...I'm just saying that that was where your rhyming had a cut...it's not improtant; but it comes as a break in the rhyming. That's all...good luck.
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