A Darkening Past

Started by StarryLatiasGirl September 26th, 2008 12:36 PM
  • 924 views
  • 5 replies
Male
Seen December 20th, 2012
Posted October 12th, 2010
360 posts
17.7 Years


This is my newest project that I've been working on for a while- a fanfiction featuring one of my Pokemon characters as the main character. But, there's a twist- the character is actually a Pokemon, so you get a Pokemon's point of view in this fanfic! The summary of the fic is as follows-

Plot Summary
In the Sinnoh Region, the people have come to fully trust Team Galactic as one of the top producers of cheap energy for the world. A young Celebi named Wraith, whose mother was taken away from her at a young age, knows the truth about them and their evil ways- even though she thinks that all humans are like them. As she struggles to find the truth about her past and find a way to stop Team Galactic, Wraith will team up with the most unlikely people and discover things about Team Galactic that tie in directly with her past...

This is the prologue to A Darkening Past, featuring Wraith, my Celebi character. After the prologue, it will switch to 1st person, in which Wraith will be telling the story from her point of view. I hope you enjoy it, and feel free to post any comments or questions you might have!
_____________________

A Darkening Past

Prologue

The wind whistled through Eterna Forest, causing the leaves that adorned the trees to rustle softly. The late afternoon sun shone down from above, with the occasional cloud drifting across its face to cast shadows on the trees below. In a small clearing sheltered from the sun’s rays, a lone Gardevoir wandered, calling out into the woods.

“Wraith!” She called, listening to the slight echo of her voice before calling again. “Wraith! Where are you?”

The Gardevoir listened for any sign of her daughter, but nothing stirred in the forest except the leaves on the trees, blown by the gentle wind. She sighed.

“Oh, I hope she hasn’t wandered off again…” she muttered to herself. “Or worse, she could have been injured! Oh no, what am I to do…”

A sudden rustling in the bushes to her left made the Gardevoir flinch, but then a black and silver blur jumped out at her and, tiny wings buzzing madly, hovered in front of her with a goofy grin upon her face.

“Boo!” The creature shouted, grinning madly. “Did I scare ya?” The creature, in fact, was a black and white Celebi, with brilliant green eyes, antennae, and wings. Gardevoir sighed. This, no doubt, was Wraith.

“Wraith, don’t do that, you nearly gave me a heart attack,” Gardevoir scolded, giving the young Celebi a disapproving look. However, she couldn’t be stern for long, for Wraith put on such a sad-looking pout, and she burst into laughter, grabbing the mischievous child in her arms and hugging her tightly.

“You just can’t let me get mad, can you?” she laughed as she hugged Wraith, who also collapsed into a fit of giggles.

“Nope!” Wraith giggled. “You get scary when you’re mad, mommy!”

Gardevoir grinned, but the smile was soon wiped off her face as she saw a small gash on the Celebi’s shoulder.

“Wraith! You’re hurt,” she said, worry in her voice. “You have a cut on your arm.”

Wraith twisted around, glancing at her shoulder. “Oh, yeah… I must’ve got it from a stick or something.” She fidgeted as Gardevoir studied it. “Come on, Mom, it’s not even bleeding!”

Gardevoir’s face stiffened, suddenly serious. “Yes, I know, but it can become infected if it isn’t treated. Come on, let’s go back home and put some medicine on it.” Receiving only a glare from the stubborn Celebi, she sighed. “It’s for your own good, Wraith.”

“Fine…” Wraith grumbled as she pulled free of Gardevoir’s grip. Her translucent wings buzzed faintly as she hovered above the ground. “I can fly on my own, though, don’t worry about me!” With a sudden smirk, she dashed into the forest, quickly disappearing among the foliage.

“Race ya back, mom!” the Celebi’s voice echoed back through the trees. Gardevoir sighed, shaking her head. Wraith was so reckless, she never thought twice about diving into battle, and that could eventually get her seriously injured. However, Gardevoir thought, Wraith’s tough nature and legendary status, as well as her optimistic nature, had helped her out of many scrapes.

Gardevoir smiled as she headed back to her home in the forest, feeling blessed to have found such a remarkable and gifted child as Wraith.

* * * * *

After carefully laying the Oran berries she had picked into a hole in the ground, Gardevoir covered them with soil and sprinkled them with water. Satisfied, she stood up and stretched, the setting sun painting her normally white complexion gold.

“That should be good enough,” Gardevoir said, smiling as she surveyed her work. “This place needs more berry trees, so I hope this will help.” She dusted herself off and began to gather up her handmade gardening tools when a deafening roar sounded in her ears.

Startled, the psychic Pokemon stepped back, just as a shadow fell over the small clearing she was in. A huge metal beast was flying across the evening sky, its whirring blades creating bursts of wind that rustled the leaves of the surrounding trees. As the sun hit its side, Gardevoir saw a violent yellow ‘G’ flash across her vision- some sort of logo on the beast’s side.

Then, as suddenly as it came, the metal creature was gone.

Gardevoir stood in place, staring off in the direction of the creature. “That was… not a Pokemon,” she said to herself. “A human creation, no doubt. Those metal creatures they build sure make a racket.” Shrugging it off, Gardevoir picked up her tools and walked across the clearing to a large dead, hollow tree. She put the gardening equipment in a small ditch just outside the tree before entering the hollow tree though a large gash in the bark.

“Ahh, that’s better,” Gardevoir sighed as she laid down on a soft bed of leaves positioned at the back of the tree. “Now for a good night’s sleep, I’ll need it for tomorrow…”

Just as she was about to call it a day, though, Gardevoir suddenly felt a strange sensation. Dread was suddenly thick in the air, and her pulse quickened.

“What… what is this?” She queried, sitting up in her bed. “This feeling… it’s the feeling I get whenever an injured Pokemon in the area…” Her eyes widened as she jumped out of the hollow tree, glancing around worriedly.

The clearing was empty, save for the small patch of soil that she had just dug up to plant her berries.


Nothing there? Gardevoir thought. I could have sworn I felt something…

A sudden flash of bright light caught her unawares, and she fell over with a shout. The intense flash forced Gardevoir to squint, but then, a dark blur came speeding out of the light, crashing into the ground.

The psychic Pokemon gasped, for as the light faded, she saw what was in front of her. A small, frail-looking Pokemon with translucent wings and a bulb-shaped head complete with antennae laid on the grass, stirring feebly.

A Celebi! Gardevoir gasped. But… what is it doing here? What happened to it?

She knelt down carefully beside the tiny Celebi, and then realized this was not a normal Pokemon. Instead of being a verdant green color, this Celebi was a deep blue-black in color, and its legs, arms, and face were patterned with white. Its antennae and wings were tinged with green, and in one of its small hands, it held a small, silver chain.

“What… what are you…?” Gardevoir said, marveling at the small Pokemon’s features.

The Celebi stirred, opening one of its eyes a crack, showing bright green irises. “I… Wr-Wraith… help….” It managed to say in a feeble voice before collapsing back on to the grass.

Gardevoir sucked in her breath. This Celebi, or… whatever it was, was very young, judging by the sound of its voice. And feminine, at that. Carefully wrapping her slender arms around the tiny Pokemon, she lifted the Celebi up, cradling it in her arms. Her action caused the chain in the Celebi’s hand to fall down and hit the ground with a soft metallic clink.

“Hm?” Gardevoir muttered, stooping down to pick it up. The chain was small, it would barely be able to fit around her wrist. As she inspected it closer, she saw a small medallion attached to it. The medallion had quite an unusual shape, it was blue, twisted and jagged, with a strange hole in one end .

“Well, now… isn’t this something,” Gardevoir said quietly, smiling. “This Pokemon… what did she say? Wraith?” The Celebi stirred in her arms, moaning slightly.

“Don’t worry, Wraith. I’ll look after you as if you were my own. You will get better… I promise.”


* * * * *

“Ow! Mom, that hurts!”

“Just sit still, please! It’s hard enough to apply this disinfectant as it is, so please, stop your squirming!”

Wraith shot a dirty look at Gardevoir, but she stopped complaining all the same. With the Celebi’s shoulder cleaned, Gardevoir proceeded to wrap it with several stiff leaves. She went to grab a strand of rope to tie it with, but nothing was there.

“Hmm, this is a problem…” Gardevoir mumbled to herself. “Stay here, Wraith, I’ll go get something we can use to tie this up with. Don’t go anywhere.”

Wraith grinned. “Sure, no problem!” she said happily as she flopped down on her small leafy bed next to Gardevoir’s larger one. Gardevoir smiled and walked out of their hollow tree home, leaving Wraith on her bed.

The sun had set a few minutes ago, and the stars were just starting to come out. A cool evening breeze blew through the clearing, which felt good on Gardevoir’s face. Gardevoir walked over to her berry trees, looking for a vine she could use to bind Wraith’s wound.

Then, all of a sudden, she froze.

The same whirring noise she heard the day she found Wraith was back, and it was getting louder by the second. Gardevoir’s knowledge of the humans who normally flew those giant metal monsters had gotten better over the years- and she knew now that they were evil beings who attacked and captured Pokemon for their own twisted needs.

I must protect Wraith, Gardevoir thought, her instincts speaking for her. I must let her live! She is… my whole being now!

“Wraith!” Gardevoir called, dashing back into her tree just as a metal monster burst over the treetops, a spotlight aimed directly at her. “Wraith, come here, now!”

“Mommy! What’s wrong?!” Wraith asked, sensing the worry in Gardevoir’s voice.

“Wraith!” Gardevoir said as calmly as she could, “When I tell you to, you must fly- all right?” She took the little Celebi’s head in between her hands and looked her hard in the eyes. “Wait until I leave, then fly!”

“But-mo-“

“Promise me, Wraith!”

“What’s going on?” Wraith cried. “Wh-why are you being like this?”

“Promise!” Wraith’s eyes began to fill with tears. Gardevoir had never ever been like this before, and she knew she was being hard on Wraith, but she just wanted what was best for her. The Celebi eventually nodded,

“I- I promise mommy!” She sobbed.

“Good. I love you Wraith. No matter what happens, know that I love you.” Gardevoir planted a kiss on the Celebi’s head and turned around to leave, when she froze, suddenly remembering something. She went back to her bed and reached beneath the leaves, pulling out the chained medallion that was in Wraith’s possession when she found her.

“Wraith, when I first met you, I found this along with you,” Gardevoir said, speaking as the roar from the humans’ monsters was growing still louder. “Keep it, please,” she said as she placed the chain in Wraith’s small hand. Crystal-clear tears were streaming down Wraith’s face at that point as she grasped the chain tightly in her hand. Even though Wraith was too young to remember the day she was found, or anything before that point for that matter, she still took the medallion and fastened it tightly around her right ankle.

Gardevoir smiled. “Good. Now, when I leave, wait for a few second, then fly as fast as you can. Good luck, and remember, I will always be with you.”

Steeling her courage, Gardevoir stood up and strode out of the hollow tree. The metal monster had landed at the opposite side of the clearing, and humans in strange uniforms were climbing out of it, shouting at each other. Taking a deep breath, Gardevoir spread her thin arms as an attempt to shield their home from view.

Out of the corner of her eye, Gardevoir saw a black blur fly out of the tree, heading for the deep forest. She sighed. These humans wouldn’t catch her daughter. They couldn’t, she was too fast. But still... it wouldn’t hurt to help.

Summoning her psychic powers, Gardevoir concentrated her energy towards the humans’ feet. All of a sudden, they stopped running, looking confused. She smiled. Her Imprison powers rendered any being- human or Pokemon- incapable of using their legs.

“Mommy!” A sudden cry from behind Gardevoir made her jump. Turning her head, she saw the Celebi hovering just near the forest’s edge, looking back with tearful eyes.

“Don’t worry about me, Wraith! Fly! Fly now!” Gardevoir screamed. “Do it! You have to live!”

Sobbing, Wraith sped off, her green wings propelling her as fast as she could fly. She was never one for listening, but… at least she did what she was told.

Gardevoir could see one of the humans holding a spherical object, and with a pang, she realized what it was.

Wraith… is safe.

She is going to be okay.

…That is all that matters.


Her field of vision was then consumed by a flash of light, then darkness.

* * * * *

That was the day I lost my mother.

My mother… Gardevoir… she risked her life for me.

If she is still alive or not, I do not know… but one thing is certain.

My mother was taken… taken by humans.

These humans… these… savage creatures…

They are not to be trusted.

Not now…

…not ever.

______________________

Well, I really hope you liked it, and after a few comments are posted here, I will put up Chapter 1! And also, as a side note, the following chapters will be pretty long. So far, I have Chapter 1 and 2 completely finished, and Chapter 3 in nearing conclusion as well.

I do hope you take the time to read it, though, since I really put a lot of work into this.

Enjoy! Don't forget to comment! =D

~StarryLatiasGirl
Male
Seen December 20th, 2012
Posted October 12th, 2010
360 posts
17.7 Years
Oh well, I guess I'll post Chapter 1 to see if I get any comments. Enjoy! :)

Has some minor use of language in this chapter, so be warned.
_______________________

A Darkening Past

Chapter 1

I soared gleefully across the evening sky, skimming across the giant fluffy clouds with ease. The light from the setting sun painted the sky a vivid orange color, while the clouds were tinged with pink. The peak of Mt. Coronet was barely visible above the cloud cover, and I briefly weaved through the many ornate pillars of the Spear Pillar Ruins before continuing on my way.

As I descended through the dampness of the clouds, the large city of Eterna spread out beneath me, and the sudden smell of factory smoke nearly made me choke. How humans can stand living in such foul-smelling conditions is beyond me. I instead turned my attention to the sprawling forest situated to the city’s left; A.K.A. the place I’ve called my home for practically my whole life.

I dove beneath the treetops of the Eterna Forest and settled on the nearest tree branch to rest my wings. I usually fly around the Sinnoh Region for several hours when I feel like it, but this time, I was gone for over a week, and I probably flew over a hundred miles each day. These longer trips are needed for me to survey the region thoroughly. These… ‘travels’, I guess you could call them, had once purpose- to keep track of what Team Galactic was up to.

Team Galactic… such a gathering of evil, twisted minds has never been seen before. Only several years ago, that dreaded Team took my foster mother away from me. Since that day, I have had a paranoid fear and hatred of the human race. For good reason, too. Humans only care about themselves and their own needs, and most of them are too oblivious with their own work to realize they’re slowly killing the world.

And what’s worse, Team Galactic has the whole region fooled into believing they’re an organization that lives to create a cheap, alternate energy source. My god, if that isn’t a blatant lie, than I don’t know what is. They capture Pokemon to be used as slaves, and the energy they gather is used for conducting some series of experiments, or so I’ve gathered. Whatever it is they’re up to, it can’t be good. Although, I daren’t do anything to disturb them- I know from experience that a single Pokemon like me- even if I am a Celebi- is helpless against their powers.

As for my past, well… I don’t remember much after Gardevoir found me one day and took care of me. Actually, scratch that- I don’t remember anything at all. Gardevoir said it was probably because I was too young to remember anything, but… it does make me wonder. The only clue I have about my past is a strange shard that I wear attached to a small chain I wear around my ankle. It’s rather jagged and has a bluish-purple tinge to it, and there is a small round hole at one end, through which I put the chain. For the life of me, I can’t figure out what it is. I’ve tried to discover some clues about my past by using it in different way, but so far, nothing’s come up.

Sighing, I stretched my sore arms and leaned back against the trunk of the tree I was in. It did feel good to be back, I must admit. The forest smells, the silence besides the whistling wind and sounds of other Pokemon- I did miss them during my travels. Moving my arms around a bit more, I closed my eyes, reveling in the peaceful aura that enshrouded the forest.

“Finally decided to come back, huh? I thought you’d gone for good.”

I jumped at the sudden voice, and I heard laughing coming from above. Looking up, I saw a birdlike Pokemon that was a little bigger than I was, with blue-black feathers, a crest of feathers that resembled a hat atop her head, and gleaming ocean-blue eyes.

I grinned. “Glad to see you too, Raven,” I said, looking up at the Murkrow. “But why would I leave? It’s so much fun to annoy you.”

Raven snickered, ruffling her wings. “So I’ve heard.”

Raven was one of my two best friends that lived here in Eterna Forest. I ran into her (literally) one day as I was flying through the forest. She’s a bit older than I am, and rather quiet, too, but she’s really resourceful. Before I met her, Raven discovered an old, abandoned human mansion at the edge of the forest, and she has been living there since she was old enough to fly. I live there with her and my other friend, and speaking of which…

“Hey, where’s Jonny?”

“Oh, him?” Raven snorted. “Be darned if I know, that Chikorita’s always getting into some sort of mess…”

“Hey, that’s not nice,” I said, but I grinned at her comment anyway. Jonny always has a knack of getting into trouble, even though he’s a nice guy. “Maybe he’s back at the house?”

“That’s very probable.”

Without waiting for her to answer, I buzzed my wings and sped off into the forest again, weaving between the familiar trees with ease. I loved flying, just feeling the rush of wind against my body and the sense of weightlessness was awesome enough. I finally slowed down and hovered in front of a large, ornate, run-down building that was known as the Old Chateau to the humans of Sinnoh. Flying around to the back of the house, I entered the mansion through a large hole in one of the top windows.

A huge tree had grown up through the floor in this one particular room, its roots overtaking the tiled floor and the leafy canopy stretching past the boundaries of the house, causing several branches to break holes in the roof and windows. It was by far my favorite room, and it was where I slept, along with Raven and Jonny.

“Ah, it feels great to be back,” I said to myself as I descended to the floor, but as soon as my feet touched the overgrown floor, I had the wind knocked out of my by a flying mass of green, and-

“Oh my god, Wraith! You’re back! I thought you’d never come back, you were gone for, like, months, and it’s been so boring without you, where did you go? Did you see anything interesting? It’s been so boring here, Raven is no fun to be around, she keeps yelling at me for getting my nose in things I shouldn’t, but I can’t help it-“

-I was automatically mauled by a stream of incessant rambling from my hyperactive Chikorita friend, Jonny.

“Okay, Jonny, I missed you too-“

“…I mean, it’s not my fault, it’s in my nature to be really kinda crazy all the time-“

“Can you get OFF me, you big lump?!”

Jonny grinned. “Sorry,” he quickly apologized, climbing off of me and letting me brush myself off. “You’ve just been gone for so long, I got really bored really fast.”

“You get bored really fast anyway, so what difference would it make?” I retorted.

“…Touché.”

“Would it kill you to wait for me next time?” Raven cawed as she flew in from the same hole I entered from.

“Probably,” I said.

“Yeah,” Jonny grinned.

The Murkrow suddenly grinned. “Heheh, you guys never change…”

Glancing back out the window, I saw that it was nearly dark outside, and only a light red tinge was left of the setting sun. “You know what, guys, I’m gonna call it a day,” I said. “I’ve been flying around so much, my wings really need a break.” Seeing my friends’ downcast faces, though, I laughed out loud. “Hey, I’ll fill you in on what I saw tomorrow, don’t worry!”

Jonny nodded. “Works for me! Sleep well,” he said before bounding off in the direction of the door.

“Goodnight,” Raven said simply, flashing me a friendly smile before taking her usual spot at the top of the tree.

Fluttering my tired wings, I flew up to a small woven nest made of grass resting on two large branches of the tree. Without a second thought, I flung my tired body into the nest, relaxing completely before letting my mind drift off to sleep.

“It’s good to be back…” I said under my breath, smiling to myself before shutting my eyes for the day.

*****

I suddenly awoke in the dead of night several hours later, aware of a sudden change in the atmosphere of the old mansion. A presence of some sort was nearby, but it didn’t seem to be a threat. Just the fact that it woke me up was strange, though, so I decided to investigate.

Fluttering down out of the giant tree that grew through the floor of the old mansion, I peered out of the door. Nothing stirred, and I heard no sound except for the slight snores coming from Raven and Jonny, who were still asleep. Lucky them, I thought as I ventured out into the hall of the Old Chateau. The presence I felt was probably just some random Pokemon wandering into the mansion, or a passing Gastly. There have been many nights that I’ve been woken up by one of them- Gastly know little to nothing about others’ personal space.

As I entered the main hallway of the mansion, I looked down from the balcony, to where I could see the front door. The entryway was completely empty, and the light from the gibbous moon shone in from the large, cracked windows at the front of the house. I sighed, descending from the balcony to gaze out the windows.

Several figures were crouching outside, quite a distance away from the mansion. Probably a group of Pokemon, I thought tiredly. Nothing to worry about. Suddenly, though, the figures moved into a standing position, and I nearly jumped out of my skin.

Humans? Here?! I thought, panicking. “Go away, go away, please go away…” I muttered under my breath.

The humans stood there for a few moments, and I was just ready to go back to my tree before a single human detached itself from the group and headed straight for the mansion. I grumbled incessantly in hushed tones, hoping to Arceus that the door was locked. I heard a rattling noise as the human tried to open the door, but it failed to do so.

I sighed, sinking to the floor. Good, the door stayed shut. Thank Arceus…

A creaking noise jolted my back to my senses, and I saw, to my horror, that the door to the mansion was slowly creaking open.

Oh ****.

As fast as I could without making any loud noises, I dashed to the hollow space behind the main staircase leading up to the second floor, peering out at the intruder. I expected to see a Team Galactic recruit, or some grown-up human of some sort, but the intruder was nothing more than a young human male dressed in plain clothing. Judging from his posture and actions, which were rather jumpy, he did not want to be here. As he made his way inside, he shut the front door with a creak and set off slowly into the mansion.

Curious, I followed the boy, staying in the shadows. It was quite obvious he had no idea where he was going, because he wandered up the stairs on one side of the balcony and went down the other. After only a few minutes of stalking him, I got thoroughly annoyed with his antics and came close to just leaving him be before he walked into the mansion’s library.

What is he doing? I thought, perplexed. I entered the room quietly and hid in a small gap between two large bookcases, watching the boy. He was glancing around rather nervously, and for a few seconds he didn’t move, but then he suddenly snatched a random book from one of the shelves and dashed out of the room.

Oh no he didn’t.

Enraged, I sped after the boy as fast as my wings would allow me. How dare he steal from this place! My god, humans have no common sense whatsoever! I thought as I pursued him.

I caught up to him just as he reached the stairs, and without thinking, I dashed right in front of his face and screamed. “What the hell are you doing, human?! How dare you Put the book down and get your filthy self out of my house!”

The boy screamed at my sudden appearance, and stared at me with wide, frightened ice-blue eyes before tripping over his own feet and falling down the stairs. He leapt up as soon as he reached the ground level and ran recklessly out of the door.

I smacked myself in the forehead. “Wraith, you’re so stupid… Humans can’t understand Pokespeech, you idiot!” I muttered to myself before gathering my senses and flying across the entrance hall to where to boy had exited the mansion…

…to find that the whole group of humans had vanished.

“What the…” I said, looking around. No matter how hard I looked, though, I couldn’t find the group of humans. They must have gone back to Eterna City, or some other part of the forest.

I sighed. “Humans… they’re so… random. Why did that boy steal that book, though?” I wondered aloud. After pondering it over for a few more minutes, I failed to come up with any reasonable explanation, and decided to go back to the mansion and sleep.

Hopefully that’s the last I’ll ever see of that group.

Whoever they were.

If they were from Team Galactic, though… I hope to never see their faces in this world ever again.

________________________

Hope you like it! And if you read it, please comment! Feedback is always appreciated! :)

~StarryLatiasGirl

txteclipse

The Last

Age 32
Riverside
Seen March 23rd, 2023
Posted November 2nd, 2016
2,322 posts
15.7 Years
I just finished the prologue, and I must say this is stellar work. I really, really liked it. The story is engaging, not another of the legion and mostly poor-quality OT fics. I'm really sympathizing with the characters, the description is top-notch, and I was literally riveted by every sentence. This place could use more writers like you.

Some forewarning before I move on to the critique: I have a blow-by-blow style. You're probably used to it if you've posted other stories here, but some people get angry when I or others do this. Just remember that it's basically in-depth editing: I'm not trying to find things wrong with your story or deface it somehow.

The following is a critique of the Prologue:

However, Gardevoir thought, Wraith’s tough nature and legendary status, as well as her optimistic nature, have helped her out of many scrapes.
Bolded word should be "had."

Carefully laying the Oran berries she had picked into the ground, Gardevoir covered the berries with soil and sprinkled them with water.
This sentence comes across weird. I originally thought you should replace the word "into" with "on," but then I realized what you were saying. I would recommend re-wording it: something along the lines of "After carefully laying the Oran berries she had picked into a hole in the ground, Gardevoir covered them with soil and sprinkled them with water."

As the sun hit its side, Gardevoir saw a violent yellow ‘G’ flash across her vision- some sort of logo on the beast’s side.
The word "violent" struck me as an odd choice to describe the "G", but I actually like it.

The psychic Pokemon gasped, for as the light faded, she saw what was in front of her. A small, frail-looking Pokemon with translucent wings and a bulb-shaped head complete with antennae laid on the grass, stirring feebly.[/i]
You missed the italics indicator at the beginning here.

“Wraith!” Gardevoir said as calmly as she could, “When I tell you to, you must fly- alright?”
"All right" is written like I just showed, as two words.

“Promise me, Wraith!”
“What’s going on?” Wraith cried. “Wh-why are you being like this?”
Need to add a space between these two sentences.
Male
Seen December 20th, 2012
Posted October 12th, 2010
360 posts
17.7 Years
Wow, thank you so much for your amazing critique, txteclipse! :) I have posted this fic in several other places, but never have I received such a critique before! Most people just read it and leave a comment, but I thank you for pointing out my errors- I often skip over typos, or don't notice them at all.

I'm glad you like it as well, and I look forward to your review of my future chapters! Speaking of which, I will probably post Chapter 2 tonight sometime! :)

~StarryLatiasGirl
Male
Seen December 20th, 2012
Posted October 12th, 2010
360 posts
17.7 Years
Okay, here is Chapter 2- which is the only finished chapter I have up until now. I am currently writing Chapter 3, and it should be done sometime this week.!

This is the chapter where things start to get interesting. Chapter 3 should be very fun to write, as a lot of things happen in a short amount of time.

I don't really have much else to say here, but I do hope you take the time to read Ch.2 thoroughly, as I did take a lot of time to write it, and I am rather proud of it.

Anyways, enjoy! Feel free to leave a comment!
__________________________

A Darkening Past

Chapter 2

Silence. Nothing but darkness surrounded me in this weightless void. I tried moving around to see if I could spot anything, but I could see nothing through the thick black fog.

“Hello? Is anyone there?” I called out into the darkness. “Raven? Jonny? Anybody?”

”They cannot hear you, Wraith, you are in the depths of your sub consciousness.”

A voice cut through the gloom, in sudden contrast to the complete silence from a moment before. I looked around for the source, but the voice seemed to echo through all corners of my dark confinement, making it impossible to tell where it was coming from.

“Who’s there?” I asked. “Who are you?”

”Me? I once knew you, Wraith, a long time ago… do you remember?”

“Huh…?” I muttered. “I… don’t think so?” This is really weird, I thought.

”Hmm… that’s too bad.” The voice paused again before continuing. ”Despite what you may or may not remember, however, you were once my only companion. I have been trying to contact you for years, Wraith, but my mind has so far been unable to reach yours.”

Telepathy? That was probably it… whoever was talking to me was doing so by means of telepathic communication, which I can do if I need to talk without actually speaking. Only legendary Pokemon and psychic-types are said to be able to do this, however. “So…” I started. “Why are you talking to me again?”

”I need-“ the voice began, but before it could finish its sentence, a sudden pulsation in the darkness cut it off, and my mind was swallowed up by the dark void, my senses slowly going numb before I succumbed to my body’s need for a deep sleep…

*****

When I opened my eyes, I noticed that it was daylight already, and several beams of sunlight shone in from the cracks in the Old Chateau’s ceiling. Sitting up in my nest, I yawned and stretched, feeling more rested than I have been in weeks, despite my odd dream. What was that about, anyway? I wondered to myself. Oh well… no sense worrying about it.

Flying down from my nest, I saw Raven and Jonny already eating their breakfast at the foot of the tree. Our diet consists of the berries we find growing throughout the forest, such as Oran, Pecha, and Cheri berries, but Raven can be sneaky enough to raid campsites of traveling trainers and steal some human food. Honestly, though, I’d rather stick to eating berries. Human food… just thinking about it disgusts me.

“Hey guys!” I greeted my friends as I landed next to them.

Jonny looked up from the Pecha berry he was nibbling on. “Oh, you’re awake! Did you sleep well?”

I shrugged. “Good enough, at least… I woke up in the night because some humans were in the house.”

“Humans?” Raven said, cocking her head. “What were they doing here?”

“Be damned if I know… one of them just came in, stole a random book from the library, and left.” I paused. “Even when I think about it, it makes no sense… why steal a book?”

“Maybe… they wanted to read?” Jonny suggested before attacking his Pecha berry again. I rolled my eyes.

“Anyway,” Raven interrupted. “You were going to explain why you were gone for so long, remember? What did you do during the past week?”

Oh, right… I nearly forgot to talk about that. “Well, the usual… I traveled to Veilstone City again to check Team Galactic’s activity around their headquarters, and thankfully, it seemed pretty quiet. I stayed there for a day, trying to pick up any other suspicious activity, but it looks like Team Galactic are staying in their HQ a lot these days. That could be a good thing or a bad thing, I dunno… but there’s no way I’m going into their headquarters again. Last time, I nearly got caught.”

“Last time?” Jonny asked.

I nodded. “Yeah, last year, I think. I was stupid and decided to go see how much ruckus I could stir up in the HQ… Unfortunately, at my past skill level, I nearly got knocked out, and I very narrowly escaped.”

Raven nodded. “Yes, I remember you telling us about that. But you were right; challenging Team Galactic by yourself was rather stupid of you.”

“After that,” I continued, ignoring Raven’s statement, “I checked around the other Galactic bases they have set up in all the other cities. I would have gotten back earlier, but I think some Galactic grunts spotted me near Pastoria City, and they had me cornered for a few days. I had to hide out in the marsh until they left the area, then I returned here.”

“So… nothing about your mother?” Jonny asked quietly.

I sighed. “Nope… unfortunately not.” I’ve tried desperately to gather news on Gardevoir, but so far, I’ve come up with nothing. It’s really depressing, since it’s kind of my fault she got captured in the first place.

We sat in silence for a few minutes as we ate our breakfast, which for me consisted of two Oran berries and an Aspear berry. I like Aspears, for some reason. Maybe it's because I like sour and bitter flavors, but oh well. I think they're tasty.

After we finished eating, Raven flew up to her nest to preen her wings, and I was ready to go back to my nest as well, but Jonny approached me, looking rather nervous.

“Yes?” I asked him. “What is it?”

“Well, um…” he muttered, shuffling his feet. “I know you’re depressed about still not finding your mom, Wraith, but can you please try to cheer up? I don’t like it when you’re sad, because when you’re sad, Raven gets depressed, then I get depressed, then you stop talking to us, and Raven gets moody and hurts my feelings, then you go off somewhere, and Raven leaves, and then I’m left all alone and sad, so really, what I’m kinda trying to say is-“

“Okay, okay!” I laughed. “Geez, you really can’t let me be sad for long, can you? I’ll try to be more optimistic, I promise! Just stop ranting at me!”

“Yay, Wraith’s happy again!” Jonny exclaimed, happily dancing around in a circle before loosing his balance and falling onto his face.

I giggled, “Stop doing that, you idiot! Did your mother drop you on your head when you were an egg?”

Jonny rolled over onto his back, looking at me upside-down with a quizzical expression. “No, I don’t think so… why?”

“Never mind.”

“Tell me!”

“No!”

“Tell meeeee!”

“No! Stop whining!”

“I’m not whining!”

“O-KAY! Stop arguing like an old married couple, you two!” Raven cawed as she soared down from her nest. “Besides, I just remembered- we need to go berry picking again to replenish out stock, we’re nearly out of food.”

“Berry picking?” I asked. “Didn’t we just do that before I left? Usually our stock lasts for nearly a month.”

Raven sighed. “Yes, but with you gone, Jonny kept raiding the larder and used up most of the berries before you came back.”

I snorted, rolling my eyes. “Jonny, you pig… maybe you should’ve been born a Munchlax instead of a Chikorita- you sure have the eating habits of one…”

“Hey! So what, I like to eat- is that such a crime?” Jonny retorted.

“Well, it is a crime when you eat up all my food when I’m gone!”

Raven groaned, shaking her head. “Hey!” she crowed. “In case you’ve realized, by the time you’ve finished bickering, we could have already started picking…”

I grinned. “Heh, sorry, Raven… but hey, at least berry picking should be fun!

*****

“Berry picking STINKS,” I whined after an hour of wandering around Eterna Forest with Jonny and Raven. “I’m tired, and my wings hurt…”

“Oh, stop complaining,” Raven said. “You’re the one who said it would be fun. Plus, other Pokemon eat berries too, so it’s not our fault most of our berry trees are bare.

I sighed. “Yeah, I know… but all of the trees we’ve seen so far are completely bare, except for the berries we found lying on the ground. Do we have to do this now? Why not wait until the berries grow back?”

“Well, if you want to eat for the next few weeks, yes, we should start picking now,” Jonny said.

Raven shot me an apologetic look. “Sorry, but Jonny’s right. We should get this done now… unless you want to go back to the house. I realize you’re tired from your trip, and if you do want to go back, I won’t have any problem with it.”

“Nah, don’t worry about me,” I said, pausing in midair to stretch my stiff arms. “I’m just complaining because I can.”

Jonny snorted, smirking. “Nice.”

“Hey, what about this?” Raven asked, perking up. “How about we split up from here and go off on our own to berry pick, and then we meet back at the house after we’re done? That way, we cover more ground, and more berries can be picked in less time.” She glared at me again. “That also might get her to stop complaining and shut her mouth, for a change.”

Hm, it did sound like a good idea, at least. That, and I think my complaining is starting to get on Raven’s nerves. “Sounds like a plan,” I said. “And sorry about complaining so much, it’s kinda in my nature to complain about everything,” I grinned sheepishly.

Raven rolled her eyes. “So I’ve gathered.”

“I guess I’ll take the northwest corner of the forest,” Jonny said. “That’s closest to where we are now, and I can’t fly like you two, so I won’t be able to cover as much ground.”

“Okay, then I’ll look over the southern part,” Raven cawed. “I know that part of the forest best, after all.”

“Why do I always get stuck with the section closest to the city?” I whined, and receiving matching glares from my two companions in return. “Hey, complaining for the sake of complaining here…”

“We noticed,” Jonny and Raven groaned in unison.

I grinned and stuck my tongue out. “Oh well, I guess I’ll catch up with you guys later at the house,” I said as I fluttered my wings and sped off to the eastern section of Eterna Forest. I don’t mind the eastern forest, don’t get me wrong, just the fact that it was so close to the big city makes me a bit uneasy.

The sweet smell of ripe berries wafted toward me as I flew, and I dove down beneath the foliage to see a small Pecha berry tree growing near the edge of a small stream. Yes, finally, some berries, I thought as I picked the four berries that were on the tree, grasping them in my arms before flying off again.

I was too absorbed in looking for more berry trees that I didn’t even notice there was another presence in the area, so I just flew through the forest, going about my business, until-

WHAM!

I flew headlong into somebody, causing them to shout in surprise and promptly fall over, and my carefully picked Pecha berries flew into the air and landed scattered on the forest floor. Tumbling to the ground, I shook myself off, holding onto my now painfully throbbing head.

“Damn it, I’m so clumsy…” I muttered to myself. “Hey, sorry about that, I’m-“ I started to apologize before I realized I collided with the same teenage boy who raided the mansion last night.

****, I thought, cursing under my breath as I dove into the nearest bush. Peering out from under the vegetation, I examined the boy, taking in his appearance.

He was quite lanky and tall, from my knowledge of teenage human. He has rather short, messy black hair, tan skin, and was wearing a black and red shirt. His faded blue pants were covered in gashes and dirt, as were his… shoes, I think they are called. I also noticed that the book he stole from the house yesterday was lying behind him- he must have dropped it when I unintentionally tackled him.

Rubbing his forehead, the boy mumbled to himself before opening his eyes and glancing around. Fearing detection, I shrunk back into my bush.

“Hello?” the boy called out. “Is anyone there?” I heard him get up off the forest floor and pause to listen- for me, probably. “If you can hear me and I ran into you, I’m sorry- I wasn’t looking where I was going, and being lost doesn’t help…”

He doesn’t seem dangerous, at least… I thought. I can feel his presence, but it isn’t a dangerous presence like when Team Galactic are in the area… Thinking my situation over for a minute, I came to a reasonable conclusion. Well, I should at least listen to what he has to say. If he tries anything funny, though, I’ll attack. No doubt about that.

“Are you there?” the boy continued as I moved closer to him, sticking my head out of the bush. He had his back to me and was pacing around nervously. Buzzing my wings, I flew up until I was level with his head, staring at him for a few seconds as I gathered my senses.

I took a deep breath, letting out a small sigh before speaking. “Hey,” I said, trying to get his attention.

He spun around all of a sudden, staring at me with his ice-blue eyes. “What the- what? A… Celebi?” he stammered. “Why is it- wait… you look familiar…”

“That’s because I- damn, I forgot,” I started. “You can’t understand what I’m saying, can you?”

The boy’s brow furrowed, continuing to stare at me. “Weren’t you the… thing that attacked me last night? In the Old Chateau?”

Heh, at least he can put two and two together… I thought, nodding. Maybe he can explain why he took that book, as well. To indicate I wanted him to explain, I pointed at the stolen book he was now holding in his arms.

He looked down. “Oh, the book?” Yeah… I’m sorry about that- yesterday, me and this small group of guys I hang out with decided to go to the Old Chateau and they dared me to go inside and steal something… I wasn’t really happy about it, and I’m sorry- I can’t even understand the book anyway, it’s written in Unown, or something- but it does look cool, even if it does smell weird, and-“

I rolled my eyes. My god, this guy is worse than Jonny, I thought, exasperated.

“-and I did spend some time trying to decipher it this morning, but I’ve had no luck, and…” he trailed off, making eye contact with me again in time to realize I was glaring fixedly at him. “Do you want it back?”

I groaned, smacking my forehead with my hand. “Yes, I would like it back, what are you, retarded? You stole it, for Arceus’ sake!”

“I’ll… take that as a yes,” the boy said, setting the book down beneath me. I flew higher as he stooped down, watching him intently for any sudden moves, but he fortunately made none.

I sighed. This would be a lot easier if he could actually understand me- wait, I paused. If I talk to him telepathically, he should be able to comprehend what I’m saying… Oh well, it’s worth a shot.

The boy stood up again, shuffling his feet. “Again, I’m really sorry for stealing it, and I know you’re probably mad at me, but-“

You could have just not taken the book in the first place, you know,’ I said telepathically, speaking my words directly into his mind.

“Yeah, I know, but… hey,” he stopped, staring at me. “Did you just talk?!”

I snickered. ‘Telepathy. It’s an amazing thing, although you probably haven’t heard of it.’

“Oh, I’ve heard about telepathy,” The boy said, perking up. “Some Pokemon I know of are able to do it, but I’ve never actually met one who could… wow, this is exciting,” he paused. “Oh, and my name is Danny, by the way. I live in Eterna City.”

Danny… so that’s this kid’s name. Never heard of him, so I guess it would be okay to ask… ‘Okay, Danny… but one question. Are you familiar with the group Team Galactic?

“Team Galactic? Well yeah, who hasn’t heard of them?” Danny said matter-of-factly. “My father works for them, actually… he’s the one who sent me to Eterna to live with my mother after he got a promotion. I hate Team Galactic, though… I never get to see my father because of them, and my two brothers disappeared shortly after coming to Eterna… and I think they went to join the Team as well. It’s really depressing, though, that something as stupid as a high-dollar organization can tear a family apart like that…”

I was shocked. Every human I had seen so far was supportive of Team Galactic… but this kid… wasn’t. Of course, he could be lying. But they way he spoke, I honestly doubted that. ‘Wow… so I’m guessing it’s safe to assume that you aren’t a part of Team Galactic, then?

Danny looked at me with a repulsed look on his face. “What, and walk around all day in a gray hazmat suit and blue wig, catching Pokemon just because my bosses told me to? No thank you, I’ll stay out of that…” he paused for a second, looking at me. “Are you okay?”

For I had just sensed another presence in the area… and a very strong one, at that. Oh no, I thought. Not now… Glancing around, I saw nothing, but the presence was overwhelmingly familiar- it was the same feeling I got whenever Team Galactic was in the area.

“Hey, I said, are you okay?” Danny said, raising his voice slightly. “Hellooo?”

Shut up!’ I said, waving my arms. ‘Don’t say anything, I think there’s-’

I was cut off, though, by a rustling noise in back of me, and Danny shouted something I couldn’t hear and trying to turn around, but tripping and falling over again. The next thing I knew, something sharp exploded in my back, sending waves of pain throughout my body. I tried to scream, but the pain was too much, and I sunk to the forest floor, trying desperately to stay awake.

No…! What is this… can’t… I thought weakly before my vision was consumed by darkness.

*****

I awoke some time later, my body stiff and sore. I coughed weakly, thankfully not tasting blood. Pulling myself into a sitting position, the first thing I noticed is that I was in a cage. A small, square cage of metal bars surrounded me, and was situated on the floor of what looked like another cage.

“Where am I?” I wondered aloud. Glancing down, I saw my medallion still attached to my ankle. Good, at least whoever captured me didn’t take it. Looking out the bars of my cage, I noticed Danny was sitting next to me, looking rather nervous.

Danny?’ I asked him telepathically, trying to get his attention.

He glanced down. “Oh, hey… you’re awake,” he said, a worried look adorning his face. “I think… I think we’re in Eterna City. In the Galactic base there…”

“What?!” I shouted, forgetting about my telepathy. “In the base?! How could- oh right, I was shot with something… right?” When Danny looked confused, I realized my mistake. ‘Sorry… but I was shot with something back in the forest, wasn’t I? By Team Galactic?

Danny nodded grimly. “Yup. I was trying to get your attention, but I tripped, and when I looked again, you were on the ground with a tranquilizer dart sticking out of your back. I don’t remember much after that except waking up here, so I guess they did the same to me.”

Don’t worry, I’ll get us out of here,’ I said, standing up in my cage. I took a deep breath and tried to concentrate my powers for an Energy Ball attack, but my energy suddenly dropped, and I fell dizzily to the floor of my cage.

“You okay? What happened?” Danny asked, kneeling down by my cage.

I sat up, rubbing my head. ‘I dunno… I tried to use an attack, but I got really dizzy all of a sudden. It’s strange…

“Heh, your attacks won’t work now, Celebi,” a sudden voice barked from outside our cells.

Danny jumped, and I looked up to see a Team Galactic recruit standing just outside the metal bars of Danny’s cage. “That collar you have on? It prevents you from using any of your attacks to break free. In other words, you’re both stuck here.”

Collar? I thought, putting my hands to my neck, Sure enough, I felt a band of metal encasing my neck, pulsing with a slight energy. I pulled at it with an attempt to break it, but it stayed on tight. “Damn…” I said under my breath.

I heard Danny get up and run to the edge of his cage, violently rattling the bars with his hands. “Why did you capture us?!” he yelled. “Why me? What do you want with us, you filthy Galactic scum?!”

“You are acquainted with that Celebi, are you not?” the Galactic member said, not phased at all by Danny’s shouting. “We tracked it from Pastoria City, and you just happened to be in our way. Cyrus is on his way here to pick it up, and by then, you’ll just be disposable. We can’t have you running off to tell the authorities, now can we?” Laughing at Danny’s dumbfounded expression, he walked off, his laughter echoing off the metal walls of our enclosure.

Danny slumped to the floor of the cage, looking at me in a silent question for help. I sighed, doing the same, my medallion clinking metallically against the metal bars.

Now what?
_______________________

Hope you liked it! If you read it, please leave your feedback in a comment!

~StarryLatiasGirl

txteclipse

The Last

Age 32
Riverside
Seen March 23rd, 2023
Posted November 2nd, 2016
2,322 posts
15.7 Years
Hey, it's me finally. Just finished Chapter One, so I'm a bit behind, but I'll try to get to Chapter Two sometime. This one wasn't bad: I absolutely loved the character building, but admittedly not a lot happened. You're allowed to do that from time to time, though, simply because I do. ;)

The following is a critique of Chapter 1

I soared gleefully across the evening sky, skimming across the giant fluffy clouds with ease. The light from the setting sun painted the sky a vivid orange color, while the clouds were tinged with pink. The peak of Mt. Coronet was barely visible above the cloud cover, and I briefly weaved through the many ornate pillars of the Spear Pillar Ruins before continuing on my way.
Hmm. Spear Pillar. I smell a bit of allusion, perhaps. Anyways, try to limit the amount of times you say "clouds" here. While not exactly wrong, the repetition gets a little tiresome. Try to think of other ways to formulate the sentences so you don't have to say the word so much.

As I descended through the dampness of the clouds, the large city of Eterna spread out beneath me, and the sudden smell of factory smoke nearly made me choke.
There's "clouds" again, lol.

These… ‘travels’, I guess you could call them, had once purpose- to keep track of what Team Galactic was up to.
I would switch "had" and "once" to say "once had."

My god, if that isn’t a blatant lie, than I don’t know what is.
"Then" instead of "than."

The only clue I have about my past is a strange shard that I wear attached to a small chain I wear around my ankle.
The second "I wear" need not be there.

Raven was one of my two best friends that lived here in Eterna Forest. I ran into her (literally) one day as I was flying through the forest. She’s a bit older than I am, and rather quiet, too, but she’s really resourceful. Before I met her, Raven discovered an old, abandoned human mansion at the edge of the forest, and she has been living there since she was old enough to fly. I live there with her and my other friend, and speaking of which…
Repetition of the word "forest" here. Again, it isn't exactly incorrect, but I'm a bit anal about it (as if you couldn't tell, lol).

“Oh, him?” Raven snorted. “Be darned if I know, that Chikorita’s always getting into some sort of mess…”
Male Chikorita, heh. For some reason I find that hilarious.

Without waiting for her to answer, I buzzed my wings and sped off into the forest again, weaving between the familiar trees with ease.
*cough*forest*cough* Try to cut out every other instance or so. I'd actually probably leave this one and get rid of two earlier times when you use the word.

“Ah, it feels great to be back,” I said to myself as I descended to the floor, but as soon as my feet touched the overgrown floor, I had the wind knocked out of my by a flying mass of green, and-
Try to replace the second "floor" with something else, or re-word so you don't need to use it. Also, that "my" near the end should be "me."

-I was automatically mauled by a stream of incessant rambling from my hyperactive Chikorita friend, Jonny.
"Automatically" is a peculiar word choice. I might suggest "immediately."

Oh ****.
Apparently you've been censored. I don't know if you want to leave it like this to imply the word, but it looks kind of out of place to me. May just want to use a different word.

“What the hell are you doing, human?! How dare you Put the book down and get your filthy self out of my house!”
Question mark after "how dare you."

That's all I noticed. Keep up the good work!