Because you asked for a review for this one, here it is.
As a note, I'm skipping over my comments about modifying the font and paragraphing. I've already mentioned those in my other review, so I'll assume that point's gotten across.
Also, as usual, whenever I see a grammatical error, I'll correct it, put it in bold, and (if it's significant) explain it. Additionally, it's another long and somewhat blunt review. Again, I'm mostly here to help you, so don't take it too personally.
Rose was on her way to the throne room
Stop. Let's talk about this for a moment.
Who is Rose? What does she look like? As the readers, we have
nothing to go on, nothing to help us picture Rose or understand what she's doing in the palace. At this particular point, she may be the princess, or she may be the farmer's daughter. We don't know.
When you introduce an original character (i.e., one of your own creation), you really need to tell us who she is. Otherwise, we're lost here.
one morning in Cameran Palace. She was looking everywhere at all of the huge marble pillars, colorful carpets, and frames hung everywhere when she accidentally ran into a teenager of eighteen or nineteen years.
When you write any number from zero to ninety-nine, write it out instead of putting down the numerals. It's just one of those odd rules of grammar.
Additionally, saying he's a teenager and then telling us that, yes, he's a teenager just seems redundant. Try going with one or the other.
She, being the servant that she was, immediately knelt down in front of him and said,
This correction is mostly to keep everything in the same tense. "Saying" is actually a different tense, so it's not entirely consistent with the rest of the sentence – meaning it's pretty much just hanging there awkwardly. You'll also want to put this in its own paragraph because it's now dialogue.
Also, try taking the part about being a servant out of there and moving it to the part where you introduce Rose. That way, it doesn't feel so much like an afterthought.
“I am so sorry, sir. Please forgive me and please spare me.”
Note the lack of a comma after the first "me" as well as the end of the sentence. As I've said in my other review, it's not a good idea to plop dialogue in the middle of a sentence. As in, that's not grammatically correct. Once a sentence in the dialogue ends, unless you're following it with a dialogue tag (which you're not in this case), that's the
end of a sentence.
Also, unless Rose is God (and I sincerely hope she isn't), don't capitalize pronouns referring to her, including "me."
It was actually rather calm and soothing,
Notice the lack of a comma after "calm." This is a similar error to the one I've corrected above. It's neither a compound sentence nor a list of three or more, so you don't need a comma to separate the two parts.
and after she’d heard it, she wanted to listen to it all day and night.
An introduction of four words or more actually needs a comma to separate it.
He said, “Of course I forgive you! I am just a knight, and I wouldn’t hurt you.
Again, don't capitalize "knight." It's a common noun. Capitalizing it makes me think you've been reading
my stories too much, or there's something important about being a knight in this world.
Also, knights are actually fairly high-ranked. They're typically people of nobility, not just common soldiers. To say "I am just a knight" is a lot like saying "I am just a baron" or "I am just a duke."
He was the most handsome man
"Guy" is actually informal. To keep your narration as objective as possible (and therefore to avoid establishing an unreliable narrator – or a narrator the reader shouldn't be trusting), you'll want to stay away from slang like that.
she had ever seen in all her seventeen years. Rose stared at him for awhile, and took him in.
Took him in where?
As a note, you'll want to be
very careful about what you write. Here, you're trying to say "looked him over" or simply "stared at him for awhile." (Yes, you
can and probably
should just leave it at that.) What you're saying instead is something that reminds me of the sex fics I certainly don't read in my spare time.
To put it even simpler, you can take in a scenery. You can take in a painting. I really hope you're not taking in someone you love at first sight because that's just not polite.
In other words, careful wording to avoid odd mental images is a must.
He was about 5 foot 6,
This seems unnecessarily specific. First off, it's really not written out correctly anyway. "Five feet and six inches tall" is actually the correct way to write that idea. "Five foot six" is just slang. Second, the reader doesn't need to know details that specific. You could just say he's tall.
with a long, dark blue cape (which she would’ve loved to snuggle up in by the way)
Note the lack of a period. Additionally, remove the part in parentheses. It breaks the mood and makes it harder to take Rose seriously because now all we can think about is her grabbing that cloak in a hilarious fashion. Either that or raping its wearer.
Especially after that bit about taking him in.
some tunic sort of thing
"Some tunic sort of thing" = slang. "Something that looked like a tunic"/"tunic-like garment" = not slang.
Again, you'll want your narrator to avoid slang because it's easier to take the narrator seriously if she speaks vaguely formally. As in, without clichés or slang. Not to mention the narrator
should know whether or not it's a tunic. Don't let the narrator be vague.
a blue hat with a strange, yellow symbol on it. He also wore blue gloves with crystals in the center of them, and he had black, maybe even dark blue hair which spiked out everywhere. A few strands of it fell across his face.
1. No. Bad vague narrator. Bad.
Again, the narrator should know whether his hair was black or dark blue. Please don't use the words "maybe even." It's slang, and it's really something that a preteen girl should be saying. A preteen girl of this time, no less.
2. Note the second bold correction. If you leave the sentence as is, you're actually writing a run-on, or a sentence that attempts to splice three or more independent clauses (pieces that can stand as their own sentences) together. This is bad because it's just not grammatically correct, and it's hard on the readers' eyes.
Whenever using a conjunction like "and," here's a tip: Replace the word "and" with a period. Then, read the parts you've split up. If they're each their own sentences, you've got to punctuate the original sentence correctly. As in, if it's just two pieces you're putting together, it needs a comma and conjunction (or a semicolon or colon – but those are harder to use and should probably be avoided unless you know what you're doing). If it's three or more pieces, two of them can form a compound sentence, but the third and others need to be separated out with a period.
He had crystal-blue eyes,
Crystals aren't actually blue. They're a variety of colors, but usually, the word "crystal" is associated with no color at all. (As in, "crystal clear.") If it's ever associated with any color, it's usually a pale one, and Aaron has
dark blue eyes.
which were twinkling nonstop.
This usually only happens when a person is on the brink of crying.
She had never felt this way before, being a servant,
…Servants
are capable of falling in love. Right now, you're implying that she hasn't ever had a crush on someone
because she was a servant.
but she had to admit it. She was in love with this young knight.
“Rose?”
Rose was snapped back to reality by that same gentle voice calling her name.
…She never introduced herself. O_o How does Aaron know who she is?
Rose was a little in trouble because she was late meeting Rin.
Here, dialogue would be interesting. That way, Queen Rin's character would be established, and it wouldn't feel like you're hitting the fast-forward button. Right now, you're skipping over potentially interesting dialogue (Rin's reprimand and Aaron coming to her defense).
Aaron came to her defense, though, saying that Rose was only late because he had asked her to bring him to the throne room, and really, it was his fault, and they should punish him instead.
This is actually a bit wordy. Right now, you're trying to fit three things into one sentence, so it feels like you're trying to create multiple sentences. To make things clearer, try ending the first sentence just before "really, it was his fault." See how the second sentence (yes, minus the word "that" in order to make a new compound) stands on its own?
Although it'd be even
better if you just had dialogue here instead.
“Rose, you are to do your regular duties: the cooking, the cleaning, the washing of clothes, the scrubbing, the polishing, the dusting, and the gardening. Aaron, you are still in training to be a knight, so I think you very well know what to do. You may both arise to go do your tasks.”
…Wait, so
why did she call them to the throne room? It seems rather pointless, given the fact that all Rin did was tell them what they
should be doing
anyway.
Rose and Aaron both stood up and said, “Yes, Your Majesty."
Again, don't continue the sentence after the one in the dialogue ends.
At night, after all chores are done…
Don't have the scene break like this. It hits us in the face with information and breaks the mood of the story. Instead, try to integrate that into your narration. For example, try saying, "At night, after all the chores are done, Aaron found rose in her room…" As in, make it part of the sentence.
You will, of course, need to figure out how to show a change of scenes some other way, possibly by leaving more space between each scene or possibly by using a few symbols.
Aaron found Rose in her room looking at a picture of something. She had tears in her eyes.
Leaving it as-is leaves it a bit awkward. It should either be punctuated as a compound sentence (with a comma after "something") or as two sentences (like the correction above). Reread the sentence aloud to see what sounds best.
Also, as a note, I'm not sure if servants actually
had their own rooms in castles. Usually, younger servants roomed together. They are, after all,
servants.
Besides that, how does Aaron know where Rose's room is?
He knocked on her door and heard a very startled Rose say, “Come in!”
Aaron carefully opened and closed the door
Without going inside?
Rose was happy to see him, but she was nervous because she loved him so much. She didn’t want him to see that she had just been crying.
It'd be a run-on otherwise.
He was able to tell, though, and he asked her what was wrong.
She replied, “Aaron, it’s a long story.”
Paragraph break because you're leading into dialogue. Comma after "replied" (instead of the word "with" because "replied" can stand on its own in a dialogue tag) because, yeah,
you're leading into dialogue.
He sat down. “I have the time.”
Besides training and that kind of thing?
Then, Rose began her story.
Thus = therefore. You don't use it unless you're trying to prove something.
“I used to be very rich when I was only twelve. I was riding in a carriage with my mother, father, grandfather, grandmother, and a few maids.
No comma after "carriage." Also, carriages aren't typically big enough to fit roughly eight or nine people. O_o
The carriage was pulled by four beautiful white horses, and all of us were dressed in fancy clothes, except for the maids, because we were going to a party.”
What follows this is not a dialogue tag, so you need to punctuate this as its own sentence.
Here, she paused and showed Aaron the picture she had been looking at, then continued. "The party we were going to was far away, and we were celebrating my thirteenth birthday.”
Aaron interrupted, “Rose, Queen Rin told me you came to work here when you were thirteen.”
Note the break in paragraphs. Whenever the speaker changes, you need to hit the enter key.
Rose continued her story.
It's okay to have a sentence in front of dialogue instead of a dialogue tag. Using the word "saying" to tie it in just seems awkward.
“We had to stop because my grandmother had suddenly gotten very sick.
Just suddenly?
While the doctors were trying to figure out what was wrong, my mother was suddenly lying dead, and eventually my father, my grandmother, my grandfather, and all the maids were dead too. I didn’t know what had happened until three men with swords knocked me out.
…What just happened? Why was Rose spared above all the others, and how did everyone around her just die?
The next thing I knew I was here at Cameran Palace. Rin told me that I was to be a servant here, that this was where I was staying, and that I was not allowed to leave.
It's a bit awkward if you try to tie everything together using "and." It just feels as if the third item's just an afterthought.
I was shown what to do and where I was allowed to go by another maid named Amy. So that is pretty much it.”
That is pretty much it = modern slang. You'll want to rephrase it or leave it out entirely to fit with the time period.
Also, that's not really much of a long story. O_o
She was immediately embarrassed, and all she wanted to do was to cuddle up
Cuddle up with = modern slang.
Also, this turns into another run-on, so however you phrase this part, you'll want to add in a period somewhere in here, possibly instead of the comma above.
She felt warm, and she hugged him back. He eventually let her go and asked her if he wanted him to stay with her. Rose told him that she would probably be okay and that they both needed to get some sleep. Aaron promised her that he would come visit her in the morning, "just to check on her," he claimed.
Again, dialogue would be nice. It feels like you're practically trying to write dialogue anyway, so you might as well go all the way with it, you know?
In the morning, after he’d taken a shower, brushed his teeth,
1. Indoor plumbing wasn't actually an element of European castles. As in, if Cameran Palace is meant to be based on the castles of the Middle Ages, you might see
baths but not showers. In fact, while the ancient Greeks and Romans used something resembling indoor plumbing, Europeans didn't actually
have an indoor plumbing system until maybe the eighteenth or nineteenth century. (1700s to 1800s.)
Long story short, anachronisms are
not your friends. Research, however, is. Even on Wikipedia, as unreliable as it is sometimes. Anachronisms – or bits that belong to a different time than the story – tend to make it harder to take the story seriously because the readers start to think you're trying to take the characters and plop them in a different time period. This is bad because it makes it look like the author's not really putting much effort into trying to make the story believable and consistent.
2. Same thing with dental hygiene, really. (Not invented in Europe until the 1780s.) There's a reason why a lot of people tended to have false teeth.
and gotten dressed, he rushed down to Rose’s room. He would never admit it, but he loved her immensely.
…Even though he only really just met her?
(Plus it felt so good to hold her.)
I would suggest getting rid of this comment entirely. It breaks the mood of the story again. Basically, it's like an afterthought, only it's worded incredibly informally, so it feels like those infomercials that say, "If you act now, we'll throw in a free set of knives!"
What I mean by "afterthought" is like this: if you throw in information by saying "by the way," "plus," what have you, it feels like you're tacking that information onto the end without giving it much thought. That's really why it's a bad thing: because it feels like you're throwing stuff into the story for no apparent reason.
She had just woken up, and her hair was a mess.
“Who is it?” she asked a little sleepily.
Even if it's in dialogue, you still punctuate questions with question marks. The only mark of punctuation you replace at the end of a sentence is a period (if, of course, the piece that follows it is a dialogue tag).
“It’s me, Sir Aaron. I just wanted to see you and make sure you were alright. I brought you breakfast, by the way.”
Because you haven't yet mentioned the fact that he stopped by anywhere to get food, I'm inclined to believe "breakfast" is a dirty metaphor. Which only feeds my comment above about why I can't take the phrase "taking him in" seriously.
He wasn’t wearing his cape or gloves — just his boots, leggings, and tunic.
Because you'll probably want more of a pause, you could do with a dash instead of a comma here.
He asked her if she wanted him to leave her alone or if she wanted to eat with him.
Still smirking with thoughts of a dirty metaphor here.
Also, again, don't be afraid to let your characters speak.
She said that she wanted to be alone because she hadn’t fully woken up yet.
I find it odd that the servant girl isn't up at the crack of dawn. Usually, servants are running the household, so one would assume she'd be up
extremely early to get to work. Unless, of course, Aaron is also up extremely early.
She thanked him and Aaron left.
Rose wondered why Aaron was paying so much attention to her, concluding that it was just probably because he was new to the palace, and he wanted a friend.
Remember, read over your work before you submit it to catch odd errors.
Meanwhile, Aaron was in his room thinking about Rose.
Meanwhile = that very moment. Unless he has teleportation powers, you'll want to go for something else here.
He didn’t exactly know how to act around her, being a knight and all, and he found it a little confusing. He wondered what Rose thought about him. He finally had to stop thinking about it because the alarm sounded.
First off, try experimenting with sentence beginnings. Repeating the same word over and over again at the start of every sentence tends to be redundant, and in this case, it actually makes the narration dry and hard to get through. That is, it gives the paragraph a dry beat, so when we read it, we feel as if it sounds monotone. Instead, try dependent clauses (fragments that need to be attached to a sentence) at the beginning, maybe to tell us when the sentence takes place, how he feels, what his expression looks like, anything. For example, instead of the first sentence, try this:
Being a knight, he didn't exactly know how to act around her.
Also, alarm? Mind you, this is still the Middle Ages or at least the distant past in this particular world. If it was a trumpet being blown, that's one thing, but I hope this isn't something like a fire alarm.
He brushed his hair and put on his cape, gloves, hat, and a small brown bag around his waist.
So, an alarm sounds, and he takes his time?
For the next few months,
This is a dependent clause of four or more words at the beginning of a sentence, so it needs a comma.
only they didn’t know it yet.
Didn't know it? Didn't Aaron and Rose
both say earlier on that they
knew they loved the other person but
didn't want to admit it?
Aaron told her that when he had been eight, he had been sent into training as a page. When he was thirteen, he became squire to another Knight. And when he had turned nineteen, he became a knight. He told her about the dubbing, which was done by Lady Rin herself. He said that dubbing was when you were proclaimed a Knight and you could take on the title of "Sir."
You only use single quote marks for only quotes within quotes. Everything else uses double.
They would give you a blow with their hands or with the side of a sword.
It's not a blow. O_o It's a tap.
His had been done with the sword, and Rose asked him if it had hurt. He told her that it had left a small cut, but that it healed quickly.
"Soon" implies that it hasn't healed yet.
at Cameran Palace. She said that she was actually glad that she was here now because of him.
Again, dialogue, please. Whenever you do an exchange of "he said that," "she said that," you're probably better off just having dialogue so we can get a sense of
what is being said
how. That is, the
how part of it is pretty important. It shows us their emotions, which makes them a bit more human. Additionally, dialogue gives the reader a feeling of eavesdropping. We
feel like we're listening in on a conversation, so it feels like we're
right there, in the scene. By
not giving us dialogue, you're
removing us from the scene, which is pretty much the opposite of what you want to do as a storyteller.
He blushed a little, and his heart started beating faster.
I would like to stop to mention a bad habit of romance writers. If they're using canon characters, the tendency is to make the character fit the role, rather than make the role fit the character. What I
mean is that because the fan wants to write about the character in love, the fan tends to forget how the character actually acts in canon.
In this case, while Sir Aaron only appears in the movie briefly (as in, so brief that we can only get a glimpse of who he is), he still seems dead set on his purpose as an Aura Guardian. He seems not only aware that he
is one, but he also is incredibly dedicated to that fact. In other words, he seems more like the knight who would sooner ride out to lop off the heads of dragons than take the captured princess to bed. On top of this, he's also an Aura Guardian, compelled to do good for the world in general above doing good for a single person. (Even then, I've always felt the opening scenes implied he loved Queen Rin.)
So, to put things even simpler, I just feel a bit uncomfortable because I feel like this isn't entirely Sir Aaron. Even if he was, I feel as if you could do more with the conflict between duty and love that he
should probably be feeling right now, rather than just the conflict of trying to keep a lid on his love for a servant he's pretty much just met.
He wanted to hold her again, but he was afraid to do so because he had no idea how she felt about him.
You're trying to create a compound sentence here, so you'll need that subject.
Sometimes, they would talk late into the night, sharing their hopes, dreams, and fears and laughing together.
The first word needs a comma after it because this is an introduction word. The second separates a dependent clause from an independent clause. Additionally, the comma after "fears" was taken out because it really serves no function whatsoever here.
Aaron took that as an excuse to cuddle with her and comfort her.
Instead of, you know, confronting the person whipping her?
She laid her head on his shoulder.
Remember to run your work through a spell check as well.
He put an arm around her back and said he wanted to go to his room, and he wanted her to come too.
Again, dialogue would be useful.
Once in his room, he said that he wanted to tell her something.
Well, there go the dirty thoughts I thought this fic was leading up to.
Both of their hearts were beating rapidly.
The phrase "at superspeed" makes the reader imagine hearts going at a comical speed, like a cartoon character running at the speed of light. If you really want us to take this moment seriously – and you do in this case – just go with "rapidly" or a synonym here.
He tried to tell her that he loved her, but right when he tried to say the word "love," his throat would choke up and he’d try again but to no avail.
I'd suggest finding a way to phrase everything after the word "and." The reason why is because if you leave it like this, it's actually a run-on sentence. You can tell by replacing the "and" with a period; you'll be left with two complete sentences if you do.
As soon as he was about to give up, Queen Rin came into the room.
For no apparent reason?
Please don't have characters bursting into the room to explain things for convenience. First off, it's illogical unless there's some reason behind why they're there at all (besides to explain things). It's like if
your mother suddenly burst into a classroom to explain an entire situation to your teacher. It just doesn't happen.
Second, it's making things convenient for your characters. Rather than have the characters themselves work around a problem, you're having the solution just come to them. Readers are more interested in struggle than they are in seeing that a solution is reached. Think of it in terms of the movies you've seen. Have you ever seen a movie where you're watching the characters muddle through problems throughout the movie, only to finally come to the conclusion after a couple of hours of trying to get through the problem? Doesn't the solution suddenly seem a
lot more satisfying after the characters spend
that much time working through the plot? It's the same thing here. You're having the solution come to the characters without having them struggle, so it's just not as satisfying as watching the tension and conflict build up while they scramble to find a solution to their problems. You've got to take it slow and make them jump for a happy ending.
When she saw and heard Aaron trying to tell her, she smiled and said, “Rose.”
This is a full sentence. You even go on to a new paragraph after this point. Only replace periods with commas if the dialogue is being followed by a dialogue tag (or the piece of narration that says "she said," "he said," what have you).
Rose looked up at Rin, and Rin laughed.
“Rose, Aaron is trying to tell you that he loves you.”
Note the paragraph breaks and the clarification of who's laughing because they're both
very important.
See, because Rose is the subject of the first sentence, you're actually implying that it's
Rose who's laughing and speaking. This isn't the case, so you'll want to make it
incredibly clear that Rin is the "she" in this case and that the dialogue is separate from the action. That way, we know without a doubt that it's Rin who's laughing and speaking,
not Rose.
Rose stared into Aaron’s eyes and said, “Aaron, is this true?”
Aaron looked down at at the blanket on his bed and said,
First off, comma after "said." You're continuing into the dialogue, but you still want to separate the tag from the quote.
Second, down
at, not down
on. "Down
on" is basically an expression that means "he disapproves of." As in, rather than have him stare at the blanket, you're implying that he's actually disapproving of it.
“Yes, it is true. I do love you very much.
Comma splice. Notice how both sentences make sense on their own? Remember to try the period trick I mentioned earlier (involving conjunctions like "and") to figure out whether or not you need to use a comma as well.
“Then, I think it’s time that I come clean, too.
Come clean = modern slang. Again, you'll want to keep in mind what time period this is.
Not to mention "come clean" just feels like something a person who's admitting their love wouldn't say anyway. The phrase implies that they're guilty about something, which means that they think being in love is a
bad thing. Not exactly a compliment here. So, instead, try "tell the truth." Simple, timeless, and less likely to insult your lover.
He kissed her lips and then came back to the harsh reality.
“It’s too bad we weren’t together sooner because I’m going to die at the end of this quest.”
First off, yeah, start a new paragraph to separate his action from what he's saying. The part before it isn't a dialogue tag.
Second, no need for a comma before "because." It really serves no purpose here because that particular word is not a conjunction that needs a comma.
Third, I'll have to ask about the logic here. How does he know for certain he's going to die, and
why would he tell the woman who's madly in love with him this? Especially as if Aaron has absolutely no problem with it. I mean, "I love you, but I'm going to have to go die now" just seems a little blunt. It also implies that he doesn't really love her because he's so quick to say that he's definitely going to die. Usually, if you're speaking to someone you love, you'll at least want to remotely reassure them that you're coming back in one piece.
Tears pooled in Rose’s eyes and flooded over.
This sounds a bit awkward here, partly because it implies that the two actions are happening at the exact same time. I would suggest, if you were looking for a water analogy, just saying "tears flowed down her cheeks."
Aaron wiped them away with a corner of his cape and said, “That’s why I want you to be with me. There’s nothing that anyone can do. Will you come?”
So, rather than
protect her by insisting she stay where it's safe, Aaron proposes to put her
directly in danger, in a situation that even
he thinks will kill him?
Suddenly, I feel as if he's not telling her the truth when he says he loves her.
Rose smiled through her tears. “If it’s anything I can do for you, of course I’ll come.”
And she
agrees to go on a quest that her lover can't survive? O_o With
no training in this sort of thing?
Aaron explained to Rose that he had something called the aura, which could be used to save things.
1. You make it sound like a disease.
2. Isn't it
just "aura"? More specifically, "the ability to use aura"? Aura's not something that someone can possess, from what I understand. Rather, it's a kind of energy everyone has but few people can actually control. (To state the definition that Bulbapedia gives it, aura is "the essence of every living creature." However, only Aura Guardians can sense and control it.)
3. That's very descriptive there. How does it save things?
When he was finished, he was more than a little surprised. Rose had the aura too.
Refrain from using exclamation points in narration. The narrator really shouldn't have emotion in the same way characters do because the narrator's only job is to deliver the story. If the narrator expresses emotions like shock (as shown by an exclamation point), then that implies that the narrator has an opinion, which means the narrator can't be as reliable as it should be. You can get away with using exclamation points in first person POV (where the narrator is actually a character in the story and where the entire story is told from that character's point of view – hence the name), but for third person narration… no.
Also, why isn't Rose reacting to the use of aura? You'd think she'd have
some kind of reaction, like surprise or wonder.
Aaron told Rose that he was going to use his aura to save the Tree of Beginning and all the Pokémon in it.
First off, no commas. This isn't a compound sentence or a list of three or more items.
Second, why are you not capitalizing "Pokémon," but you capitalize things like "knight"?
There was also a legendary Pokémon called Mew which needed aura to survive.
Again, Mew doesn't feed off aura.
Rose, realizing that she could use her aura too, said, “Aaron, why don’t we both use our aura?”
Aaron’s voice became serious. “Rose, the aura is a very dangerous thing. Using it will cost you your life. Now cut the chitchat, we’ve got to start on our quest.”
First off, "cut the chitchat" = yep. Modern slang. Not only that, but it's also incredibly blunt and rude, so it's not exactly what Aaron would say if he actually loved her.
Second, why is he still not protesting against her presence alongside him on this incredibly dangerous quest?
The next day, on the quest
Again, don't use scene breaks like this. Incorporate the new setting and time in the first sentence of the next scene.
Also, capitalizing "quest" implies that the word is actually a name. Which makes me think of more dirty metaphors.
If nothing was done, the Tree of Beginning would die,
How and why? As in, up until this point, we
still don't know why Aaron is on this quest. We don't know what's going on with the Tree and why it's so urgent that he donate his aura to it. In fact, prior to this point, you're telling us that he's actually donating his aura to
Mew, not the tree.
killing Mew and all the other Pokemon that called it home.
How? Be descriptive, especially with the major problem of the story.
Also, yeah, if you're capitalizing the word "Pokémon" now, that usually means that you'll either want to capitalize the word throughout the fic or leave everything lowercase. Either way, it's one of those consistency rules.
“Mew! Save yourself and this tree! The aura is with me!”
No comma because this isn't a compound. Also, put this quote in its own paragraph because you're separating his action from his dialogue.
Also, uh,
where is Mew? It's a legendary, so most likely, it's trying to protect the Tree, right? Then, why hasn't it actually appeared?
He began yelling and grunting with pain and exertion,
Again, spell check.
and the hall echoed with his cries.
What hall? Aren't they in a tree? (Or outside of it? You never really do specify.)
Rose couldn’t bear to watch Sir Aaron die that way, so she quickly leapt up to help.
“Mew, accept my aura, too!"
Also, how does she know
this is how he's going to die? In fact, how does she know what he's going to do at all, considering she's new to the whole aura thing?
The green light began coming from her hands, but she felt herself knocked backwards.
So, despite only knowing that she can use aura for twenty-four hours (give or take), she already knows how to give it away?
White electric waves began running down Aaron’s whole body.
Where did those waves come from? O_o
Rose knew he was dying,
How did she know this? O_o While, okay, what it probably looks like is Aaron being electrocuted, still, you don't mention how she knows
for certain that he's dying. Right now, she's arriving at this conclusion randomly.
but she heard Aaron call to her.
“Rose! Don’t use your aura! I’ll take care of this! Save yourself!”
Note the paragraph break. This is to avoid implying that it's Rose who's saying the above, rather than Aaron. Same paragraph = same speaker. As in, the subject of the first sentence of the paragraph is usually implied to be the speaker of any quote within that same paragraph.
With a final yell of pain,
From whom? Specify. After all, Rose is exerting herself using aura too. (Not to mention she was knocked backwards.) So, for all we know, this cry is coming from Rose. Alternatively, it could be one of the fleeing Pokémon or Mew.
The tree flooded with a bright green light, and everything was restored back to normal.
How? Also, what would normal look like?
Again, be descriptive. Your audience is not a pack of psychics, so we don't know what you're thinking about. As in, we can't tell what images you have in your head, so you, as the storyteller, need to describe as much as possible to us in order to help us get a clear picture of what's going on.
It was all fresh and alive, except one thing: Sir. Aaron.
Dashes are only used for pauses or parentheses (bits that add information but aren't necessary for the understanding of a sentence). Colons, meanwhile, can be used for leading into information that you're revealing, among other nifty things. If you want me to clarify, feel free to ask.
Rose ran up to him, worried. “Aaron! Tell me you’re alright! Please don’t die! You can’t!”
It's a run-on if you leave it as it is.
He took his gloves off and smiled a peaceful, gentle smile. “Rose, you’ll be alright… Aaauuuuggghhhh!” He trembled from the shock waves that were coursing down his body. “Come.”
Because you're only mentioning a brief action before leading into more of what Aaron says, you can actually put everything in the same paragraph, which implies he's doing those actions
while he's speaking – which he is.
Rose walked closer to him, and he had her sit down next to him. “Rose, this is my goodbye to you.”
Again, you're implying that Rose is the one speaking here, not Aaron. I would suggest separating this into two paragraphs to make things clear.
He put his arms around her. He stroked her face, then kissed her lips.
This is their first and last kiss in a romantic fanfiction. As in, this is one of
the most important moments in the entire shebang. You probably
don't want to spend just one sentence on it. Describe what the kiss felt like, what they were feeling at that moment, anything you can possibly
think of to draw this part out and make it more dramatic. He's about to
die, so you
really want both his lover and him to be as emotional as possible. Right now, they're pretty much just cardboard cutouts.
She closed her eyes, and he let the kiss go but kept his arms around her.
No comma after "go." That part isn't a compound.
Also, begin a new paragraph after this point. There's too many characters in this paragraph to make it clear
who's speaking.
“I want you to take my staff, gloves, and bag to Lady Rin.
Um, so, whatever happened to the actual events of the movie, in which it's
Pidgeot who delivers the staff?
I want you to keep my cape because I know how you liked cuddling up in it…
No comma because it doesn't serve a purpose.
Also, cuddling up = modern slang. And, for that matter, not what a soldier (which a knight essentially is) would probably say.
Rose opened her eyes, and Aaron was gone.
“Sir Aaron,” Rose wailed.
New paragraph because she's started to speak.
Two days later at Cameran Palace
Again, don't do scene breaks like this, as I've mentioned already.
Rin, knowing that Aaron had been Rose’s love and friend, let Rose spend the day off.
Her lover just died, and that's all she gets for it? Just a, "Oh, I'm sorry for your loss, so here's a day off"? Granted, it's not like they
knew this would happen, but still.
Rose smiled in her dream and felt somewhat comforted by his presence.
No comma here. Also, it would be nice to describe the dream so we can get a feel for how it's comforting.
*Note: This story was written by Queen Rin, and has been passed through Cameron Palace for centuries. After Rose woke up from her dream, she decided that being a servant was too hard without Sir. Aaron, and Rin let her free. She ran away to the tree of Beginning, where she stayed mourning the death of her beloved Aaron until she too, eventually died.
Aaron and Rose are together today, and they are still very in love and happy together. Sometimes they come to us Queens in dreams and let us know that they’re alright. They also give us guidance, comfort, and encouragement.
Rose and Aaron are still honored throughout the years here at Cameron Palace with a pokemon battle. The winner is crowned ‘Guardian of Aura’ and presented with Aaron’s staff. There is also a feast, a ball, and fireworks. Signed, Lady Ilene
There's a few reasons why I'm not touching this the way I did for the rest of the story:
1. You're trying to turn this entire story into first person, as told from Queen Rin's point of view. This isn't possible
at all because you do two things:
a. Describe events another person can't possibly know (namely, the exact events of Aaron's death).
b. Mention Rose's dreams.
Unless Queen Rin is psychic (and she is not) or is inventing details that never actually happened (which she probably would never do, given her character), she can't possibly have told this story.
2. It's written like an author's note. If you want to establish an epilogue, you should probably format it as such or, if you'd rather keep this as a one-shot, do a paragraph break.
3. It ignores the events of the movie. Again. Granted, the entire fic does this on a level, but in this case, it just feels a little awkward. Ghosts of two lovers in ancient times keep haunting the dreams of queens for years to come?
Okay, so, after a
very long detailed review (twenty pages so far), let me just summarize it with the key problem areas:
1. Grammar. You seem to have a
lot of trouble figuring out where to start new paragraphs (especially when it comes to dialogue) and when to use commas. I would highly suggest looking at the grammar sticky in the Writer's Lounge or OWL at Purdue. (I gave you the link to OWL in my last review.) Both are helpful resources that can teach you how to use those problem parts.
Also, I feel as if you didn't proofread. There's a number of mistakes that you can catch with a spell checker, and a number of sentences sound awkward. The latter can be detected by just reading your work aloud when you're finished writing. Remember, proofreading is an essential step. Let your work cool for twenty-four hours after you write the last word. As in,
don't touch it. Then, after a day, go back to it, and you'll be able to read your work as if you're a reader, rather than a writer's bias. You'll be able to pick out more mistakes that way.
2. Characterization. I can't stress this enough.
It is okay to let your characters speak once in awhile. Speaking lets us know how they're feeling about something. Emotions make them seem more alive. Remember, your goal as a storyteller is to pull us into a story. By letting us eavesdrop on them instead of relaying what they're saying to us as if we're not there, you're letting us watch them directly, so they seem more like they're living people instead of cardboard cutouts.
Likewise, be very careful about characterization in general. Even if it's your story, you'll still want to take into consideration how Aaron acts in the anime, not only because it's respectful of his character (which you probably want to be because you're a fan) but also because there's
so much potential for conflict and such if you portrayed him as the stern, duty-minded person he is in the anime. Remember, make your roles fit your characters, not your characters fit your roles. Rather than have Aaron be gushy and blushy, have him be hard and torn between duty and love – but leaning towards duty. That way, it's true to who he is, and you have the added problem of trying to figure out how to coax him into admitting that he loves Rose and then expressing it.
As for Rose, she's a servant girl and therefore beneath him. I can't say too much else because I don't think you let her out as much as you could have, but I
can say that this should partly lend a hand in developing her or at least the way she feels about Aaron. She's in love with a nobleman essentially, so how would she feel about that?
Furthermore, please don't use Queen Rin as a device of convenience. As in, Queen Rin is the solemn ruler of Cameran Palace. She is, in the anime, constantly thinking about what war would do to her land, and even then, political figures probably have better things to worry about than eavesdropping and fixing up the love between a servant and a knight, regardless of how high-ranked that knight may be. It just doesn't make sense for Rin, and it's hard to take her seriously because of that.
Lastly (with regards to characterization), please keep in mind logic. A man in love wouldn't tell his lover that he was going to die like that, and he certainly wouldn't permit her to go with him on a dangerous mission (
especially if she has no experience with that kind of thing). Think about how your characters would act, not so much about the storyline you want to follow. The storyline can change with each action the characters take. The characters themselves… not so much unless there's a valid reason for it.
3. Logic/Plot. While I feel as if you're better in terms of logic here (although there's still plot holes, many of which are just problems with characterization), the plot could have been better. Mostly, I get the feeling you're just rushing from point A to point B without actually giving either points or the points between them much thought. For example, you never
do mention why it's so important for
Aaron to go to the Tree, what he's about to do, what happened to the Tree, and so on and so forth. You're mostly focused on not only making this romantic but also making it somewhat tragic, but really, it's possible to write romance
and a carefully designed plot, if that makes sense.
Rather than rush through things, take your time. Draw out the events, and add more conflicts. This is a romance between two otherwise incompatible people. Let them work up to confessing, and then let them work out in more than one page their problems, even if those problems aren't going to be solved in the end. It's better to have no closure (that is, no happy ending) than rush one that is.
Also, if you're going to mention a legendary Pokémon, don't mention it and then have it disappear. Legendaries are among the most powerful Pokémon in that world. They're practically gods, Mew especially. You can't really just have them say, "Oh, well, here's Mew, so now let's go back to the tragic ending."
And, of course, beware of odd anachronisms, especially in character dialogue.
Other than that, put simply, the concept's okay, but you could really do more with it. You've got to sit down and work with it a little bit more. Seriously, if you drew this out into more pages – maybe even multiple chapters – to give yourself time to work on the characters and the events of the plot, you could actually pull this off as a good romance.