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Old October 14th, 2008 (4:02 PM).
DarkWishes's Avatar
DarkWishes DarkWishes is offline
     
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    ~!A Journey For You!~

    There is just one demise I had.
    And I ruined it by breakin' you.
    And that will never chage the simple fact, "you are sad".
    It is all my fault that we have this flu.

    I've been walking through these Shadows.
    For those excuses that dwelled.
    Through all these actions I'm getting expelled.
    In the far distance lies the Gallows.
    For getting you devoured in this loop that kills us.
    Takes my breath and makes me die inside, just want to give you another rose.
    I want this to finally have sucess.
    It will never happen through the midnight sky.
    And I shatter inside as the stars come out.
    Thunder strucks the "Good Bye".

    I traveled on and on Through the shadows to an Unknown land.
    Where there was no sence of anything.
    And I went on just for my desire.
    As I fall down hills and climb them. I swim through lakes and run through forests.
    Trying to find you to escape the reality for a while.

    I thought about the past to suffer again.
    And I jump across the slippery rocks falling.
    All that was hurting was my heart.
    It's all my fault for us dying out.
    As I lay crying in the wilderness.
    Wishing I could be with you.
    As I strive through the plains
    The problems I had.

    Everything I said tore us apart getting us mixed up in our feelings.
    My heart is pounding through all the things we said.
    And all that is left is us, to move on.
    As I lie here dying in the forest.
    I realise that I crossed the line to many times.
    To get over it this is the best way.
    Why do we suffer.
    Was this the true love that is rare.
    Past a year and we still dwell over this getting upset.
    It is my fault for all of this, and I should die for commiting this crime.
    The only thing that is stoping me is you.
    And you don't even know it.

    So I continue almost dying.
    And I live with this poisen.
    Foever and ever.
    Mistakes happen, even big ones that kill inside.
    Just look at me, and say it.
    Have I lost my mind going this far just to find her.
    Or will I do anything...

    I'm feeling scared whe the winter moonlight came again.
    And I stoped and stared upon the area.
    I finally get to you I wonder.
    And It's all my fault why I fell.
    And now you will know.

    There is just one demise I had.
    And I ruined it by breakin' you.
    And that will never chage the simple fact, "you are sad".
    It is all my fault that we have this flu.

    I've been walking through these Shadows.
    For those excuses that dwelled.
    Through all these actions I'm getting expelled.
    In the far distance lies the Gallows.
    For getting you devoured in this loop that kills us.
    Takes my breath and makes me die inside, just want to give you another rose.
    I want this to finally have sucess.
    It will never happen through the midnight sky.
    And I shatter inside as the stars come out.
    Thunder strucks the "Good Bye".
    Cause I did everything I could.
    For you.
    Don't Forget Love.

    I waltzed down the dark street.
    In the rain, snow, and hail
    To find the glimming light I once feared
    Just as it was gone like a ripples beat.
    Too lose what you once had.

    Brings back memories of depression.
    Of the last time it did happen.
    Just destroyed our hearts.
    And it runs through are head.
    Again, and Again.
    Till we feel like to bail.
    Instead we share.

    You are stronger now.
    And I knew that you'll be.
    They way you act.
    They way you talked.
    Your personality made me close.
    I fell for you cause, who you are.

    And yet we cracked.
    We shivered as well.
    How we dwelled into our memories.
    And then tell us to forget.
    I've just learned that once we forget, how would we learn from it?
    We just need to move on somehow.
    Maybe we are already movin'?
    As it was confusing to start, we are in the state at the end.

    Why am I so stupid.
    It was all my fault to put us in that.
    Though it made you stronger.
    Since you became more weak.
    Was the moment you stregthend.

    I waltzed down the dark street.
    In the rain, snow, and hail
    To find the glimming light I once feared
    Just as it was gone like a ripples beat.

    Memories Zoom by.
    While I can't see.
    I'm stuck remembering walking down this street.
    Maybe it is a good thing that I am.
    Even though it is killing me.
    Maybe forgeting is remembering.
    All I know is I once and still like you.
    And I know we have to move on.
    But there is different paths to go on.
    And this darkened street shall be lightened.

    In darkness there is light.
    Where there is no air, there is.
    If theres death, theres life.
    And Remembering must be forgeting.
    In forgeting you once remember.

    Please tell me how good they are =D
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      #2    
    Old October 14th, 2008 (4:39 PM).
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    Glitter Stain Glitter Stain is offline
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      They're incredibly long. I didn't bother with the second one. I'll crit that another day. Anyway, as for the first one, four main things I'd like to bring up:
      • As I said, it's really long. Poems are different from novels in that it's better to have a relatively short one that an incredibly long one. You're trying to hold the reader's attention. These poems are not only long but also slightly boring. Try to say as much as you can in as little words as possible. (Don't skimp either).
      • A lot of famous poems are fluid. This isn't. Each line sounds like a completely different stanza from the line before it. Try to connect your lines using commas, different capitilization styles, etc. Try to write in some sort of rhythmic pattern.
      • Where did the rhyme scheme go in the first poem? You had a normal rhyme scheme in the first stanza, but it all got thrown out the window in the second. Not only that, but you also tried to re-apply it to your poem with some lines rhyming and some not. It turned out quite strange like this, to be honest.
      • The organization needs work. The number of lines in a stanza should be constant, or at least make sense. Here, you're taking pauses in completely random places. It looks like you wrote the poem and then just pressed enter in several different places. Be careful about how you divide up your poem. This doesn't work very well.
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        #3    
      Old October 14th, 2008 (5:34 PM).
      DarkWishes's Avatar
      DarkWishes DarkWishes is offline
         
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        Thanks for the points =D. My next poems are hopefully better.
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