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Old November 23rd, 2008 (10:36 AM). Edited November 23rd, 2008 by Emmie Em.
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Emmie Em Emmie Em is offline
→ Sienak Sohtal
     
    Join Date: Jul 2008
    Location: Britland (United Kingdom)
    Age: 26
    Gender: Female
    Nature: Bold
    Posts: 14
    I don't normally post my writing on sites much, but Klippy said I should post here.. so I am. XD
    All critism will be accepted, and worked through.. but could you keep in mind I write about my feeling and emotions. My writing means a lot to me, and I'd rather you didn't claim it as your own nor keep it and edit it.
    Thanks much <3

    Spoiler:

    (Sunk, like junk)

    Get it right this time.
    I'm not a sight for sorry eyes.
    I'm just hiding.
    From the rain.
    Spoiling the pain.

    It’s the love that you brought
    It rocked ma boat
    Spun me round
    I capsized
    You broke ma heart, darlin’
    Tore me in two.
    I knew you were wrong.
    But it just stung.

    You told the lie.
    Fought the truth.
    Hid from hell.
    Promised it. Broke it. Hurt it.
    Heck, honey, you killed it.

    It’s the love that you brought
    It rocked ma boat
    Spun me round
    I capsized
    You broke ma heart, darlin’
    Tore me in two.
    I knew you were wrong.
    But it just stung.

    (sunk like junk)

    Hahaha, cha cha.
    ‘tis payback time, darlin’.
    Heheh, teehee.
    Dance around, praying mantis
    Burn and leer, take a break.
    Hide and frown.
    Tihihihi.

    It’s the love that you brought
    It rocked ma boat
    Spun me round
    I capsized
    You broke ma heart, darlin’
    Tore me in two.
    I knew you were wrong.
    But it just stung.

    We built it back up.
    Chugged it along.
    It’s fixed now.
    It’s better.
    Oh, please help me.
    The denial.
    The pain.
    Shadows.
    Death…

    It rocked ma boat
    Spun me round
    I capsized
    You broke ma heart, darlin’
    Tore me in two.
    I knew you were wrong.
    But it just stung.

    Fix the night, take the chance.
    Be yourself, it’ll all work out.

    Or, you’ll just sink. Cha cha cha. Like junk.

    Sunk like junk.
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      #2    
    Old November 23rd, 2008 (11:49 AM).
    Klippy's Avatar
    Klippy Klippy is offline
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    Join Date: Jan 2006
    Location: Disneyland
    Age: 25
    Gender: Male
    Posts: 16,599
    I think it was good, Emily. :3 I liked the repetition of the "It rocked my boat...just stung" stanza. Kept me knowing how you were feeling, even after the second stanza was over. You kept bringing it back to continually let the reader know how you were feeling, because things like: We built it back up. Chugged it along. It’s fixed now. It’s better. could easily be interpreted as it's completely better, but you're still feeling that feeling of unease.

    So bravo. :3!
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