Okay, I'm confused. O_o Is this an RPG or an actual fanfiction? I ask because I'd give you different crit depending on whether or not you're actually intending on this to be a fanfiction, not a "roleplay." (For one thing, the entire formatting stuff should really be pitched. It's overly complicated, and if you really can't tell us when a Pokemon's using telepathy without putting everything in purple, most likely, you're being too vague in the actual narration.)
Likewise, the entire character bio should be unnecessary in fanfiction, particularly because you're going to be bringing up that information
anyway.
If you
are intending on this to be a fanfiction and not an RP, then yes, it's called "fanfiction." RP (or roleplay) is a game in which
multiple people take on characters and roleplay scenes. You can see examples
here.
For now, I'm going to assume you meant this to be a fanfiction because there doesn't look to be any particular rules, sign-up sheets, or any other indication that this
is an RPG and not a fanfiction.
That said...
Kozoi was outside of Viridian City, he was a young trainer who attended the Pokémon Trainers school.
First off, this is a run-on sentence. Try inserting a period where there's a comma. Notice how you end up with two full sentences? This is called the period test, and I want you to try it whenever you insert a comma into a sentence to see whether or not you're accidentally creating a run-on. Now, run-ons are
bad just because they're bad
form. It's like you're mashing together two unrelated ideas (particularly in this case, considering the fact that he's outside Viridian and the fact that he was a young trainer don't really have anything to do with each other), so it ends up being a little awkward to our eyes.
Second, let's talk about "trainers." Now, right now, it's just plural, as if there's multiple trainers who don't own anything (like the school). You need a possessive here (to show that the school belonged to the trainers), but you could really do it two ways. If you're saying that it was a school for
multiple Pokemon trainers, put an apostrophe after the S. If you're saying that it was a school where the average Pokemon trainer would go, put an apostrophe
before the S. Confusing, but it just comes down to whether or not you meant the word (before attempting to turn it into a possessive) to be "trainer" or "trainers."
Today was his tenth birthday, as of such he was able to recieve a begginners Pokémon license and begin his Pokémon journeys through the Kanto Region which he was looking foward to begining.
1. "And as such," not "as of such." "As of such" really doesn't exist in this language as a phrase.
2. "Receive." I before E except after C unless sounding like "hay" like in "neighbor" and "weigh." Unless it's "weird."
3. Again, possessive problem with the word "beginner."
3a. Also, you may want to run this through an English spell-checker before posting it.
This is a good online one.
3b. I say this because I think it's a little weird that you put two G's in "beginner" but put one in "beginning" (which was
also misspelled).
4. Read this sentence again aloud. Notice how it sounds a little weird? That's because it keeps going and going as you try to stuff too much information into it. Try breaking up the sentence a little more or getting rid of information. For example, in one sentence, just talk about how he's ten and can receive a beginner's license. In another, you can say he'll begin his Pokemon journey. Lastly, we can pretty much guess that he's going to be excited, so you don't need to say he's looking forward to it.
5. "Beginner's license"? Buh? O_o Do you mean "trainer's license" here?
After this point, I assume you can get the idea about run-ons and possessives (and, for that matter, running this through spell check). Ergo, I'll just leave those points alone since you tend to make those mistakes multiple times throughout the fic.
They were near the school courtyard which was just on the outskirts of Viridian City.
Don't randomly throw in information like you did here when Kairi approached. Instead, introduce important information such as the location
earlier in the fic -- like, when the scene starts. That way, it won't seem like too much of an afterthought.
"Hey Kairi, whats up?"
Apostrophe in "what's" because that word is a contraction for "what is." I know it's weird because not a lot of languages
use apostrophes, but still.
The courtyard was surrounded by grass as Kairi sat down on a bench and beckoned Kozoi over to take a break.
Using the word "as" in this sentence implies that it was just happening
while the characters were doing whatever comes after that word. As in, right now, you're saying the courtyard is
just now being surrounded by grass.
Instead, try to describe the setting in more detail in a separate sentence. Show us the grass, the sandy pathway, and the benches when you open the scene. Say this all in multiple sentences. That way, it won't just "pop up" for the convenience of the characters.
"Your going
His what?
Your = possessive pronoun.
You're = contraction for "you are."
Confusing, but you'll want to learn homophones to avoid oddities.
"Yeah, but i don't know how i'll
The pronoun I is
always capitalized. No exceptions.
and glazed her in the eyes which caused her to look down.
And did
what to her eyes? O_o
I'm pretty sure you mean "gazed into" here. One can only glaze one's own eyes, and even then, to have eyes that are glazing over means you're zoning out.
Well i do like Bulbasaur, and Charmander..."
No comma here. It really serves no purpose because this is neither a compound sentence nor a list of three or more items.
Mrs would be
Period after "Mrs." It's an abbreviated title.
that she had set up for us." said Kozoi as he and Kairi stood up.
Comma after "us," not a period. The reason why is because you're technically not ending the sentence right there. Notice how you have "said" be lowercase?
There was two huts
Were. Was is singular. Were is plural.
made out of wood aside a big building which had navy-painted bricks which were stacked in a circular layer.
The repetition of "which" phrases makes this sentence a bit awkward. It feels like you're zooming into details, which makes the writing itself feel jerky the more you do it. As in, it feels like you're jerking us forward, if that makes sense. Instead, try taking out "which were" and leaving it as "navy-painted bricks stacked in a circular layer."
to eachother.
Upto. Eachother. Both are actually two separate words. Be careful and run this through spell check in order to catch that kind of thing.
"Yeah, i heard he's here to help the new trainers and give out Pokémon" said the other boy.
Comma after "Pokemon." You need
some mark of punctuation to show that this is the end of the sentence that's being spoken.
at the front of the classroom was
Were. Again, you're bringing up multiple items, so you need a plural here.
Kozoi sat down on his desk and Kairi sat next to him.
Comma after "desk." This is a compound sentence. Try the period trick, replacing the conjunction ("and") with a period. Notice how you get two sentences as a result? Now, in order to merge the two into one (compound) sentence (because they're related ideas), you'll need the comma after "desk" (which replaces the period that "desk"
would get if the sentence stood on its own) and the word "and" to show you're connecting the two thoughts.
They noticed the board had a note attached to it which stated "Graduates please report to the meeting hall a.s.a.p."
1. Comma after "stated." This is still dialogue, so to show that you're leading into a quote, you need something that comes right after the dialogue tag (the part that says "he says," she says," what have you).
2. A.S.A.P. is always capitalized because it's an acronym.
3. Wouldn't the graduates have a bit more notice about when the ceremony would be taking place? As in, wouldn't they get the notice
months in advance? ._. I mean, I knew when
I was graduating high school well before it actually happened.
"Wait!" yelled Kairi as she stopped running and began to catch her breath.
Put this in its own paragraph. It's a piece of dialogue, so you should treat it as if this is a conversation.
Kozoi who was gleeming at the trainer to his right.
Kozoi was... shining at the other trainer? O_o (To gleam = to shine.)
In all, let's start with the problems first.
Yeah, you've got a number of oddities with grammar, spelling, and general word choice. I have several pieces of advice here:
1. Use that online spell checker I gave you earlier.
2.
Go to OWL at Purdue. It should teach you the basics of every mark of punctuation and part of speech you're having trouble with, particularly possessives, apostrophes, commas, and pronouns. It's also very straightforward, with exercises and examples that make every lesson absolutely clear.
3.
Get a beta. Betas will read over your story and help you work out the problems. That way, you won't end up with oddities like your characters gleaming at people.
Additionally, the narration had its holes. For one, you described the setting through afterthoughts. I've given you a bit of advice concerning when to describe things, so I'll assume that's covered.
For another, I still can't get over the idea that Kozoi didn't know when he should be at the ceremony. It feels like you're really trying to find a reason to have your main character miss out on the conventional starters, so I can predict that the next thing Oak's going to do is pull out a special Pokemon just for Kozoi. I really hope you're not going for that kind of angle because otherwise, you're trying to go for a not-so-cliche angle, and that would just end up adding another cliche to the mix.
For positives, I admit that the trainer's school idea tends to be a bit well-visited, but you neither bore us with having us sit through the characters' classes nor use it as an excuse to make your character older. For that, I give you a thumbs up. Additionally, I admit I like the idea of Professor Oak handing out starters at a ceremony (although I didn't particularly care for Kozoi bursting into it partway through). That makes it feel like a formal milestone in a new trainer's life, which actually makes it feel like it
should be such a big deal to your characters.
Overall, believe it or not, yes, I think this has a lot of potential in terms of story. You just need to organize it a bit better and clean it up.