Pokémon Kanto Chronicles™

Started by Kozoi November 28th, 2008 12:40 PM
  • 1933 views
  • 21 replies
Male
Behind you.
Seen June 15th, 2012
Posted July 3rd, 2011
368 posts
14.9 Years
Chapter 1 ~

Kozoi was outside of Viridian City, he was a young trainer who attended the Pokémon Trainers school. Today was his tenth birthday, as of such he was able to receive a beginners Pokémon license and begin his Pokémon journeys through the Kanto Region which he was looking forward to begining. He had always loved Pokémon from a young age, he had been studying them in the Trainers School in Viridian City.

However, there was a slight problem since the nearest lab was located a few miles south in Pallet Town. He was walking to school when he was greeted by a cheery voice shouting towards him from behind. "Hey Kozoi, Kozoi!" shouted the voice in a panting tone as footsteps approached Kozoi from behind.

It was Kozoi's friend, Kairi who was a young girl with dark brown hair and bright blue eyes. She was wearing a standard school uniform for any girl studying Pokémon, which consisted of a navy blue jacket with a white shirt underlay and a blue trimmed skirt.

"Hey, Kozoi!" said Kairi as she jogged up to him. They were near the school courtyard which was just on the outskirts of Viridian City.

"Hey Kairi, whats up?" said Kozoi as he continued to walk along the sandy path into the school courtyard. The courtyard was surrounded by grass as Kairi sat down on a bench and beckoned Kozoi over to take a break.

"Your going to get your first Pokémon, right?" said Kairi as she looked at Kozoi.

"Yeah, but i don't know how i'll get to Pallet Town" said Kozoi as he walked through the school courtyard which was filled with decorations.

"I envy you, i can't wait to get my own Pokémon" said Kairi who was still too young to get her first Pokémon which she longed for.

"Kairi, what Pokémon would you choose?" said Kozoi as he looked upto Kairi and glazed her in the eyes which caused her to look down.

"Uhm... Well i do like Bulbasaur, and Charmander..." said Kairi as she began to fidgit, looking away from Kozoi in an attempt to stop her from blushing.

"Well, it would be best if we go to class now. Mrs would be furious if we missed out on the 'interesting' study of Grimer that she had set up for us." said Kozoi as he and Kairi stood up.

Kozoi and Kairi walked along the courtyard. There was two huts made out of wood aside a big building which had navy-painted bricks which were stacked in a circular layer. The building formed a blue Pokéball with the letters "PTS" atop of the Pokéball-shaped building. The buildings were surrounded by a grassy medow and a small lake which was aside the back of the main building of the trainers school.

"This place sure has changed, huh?" said Kozoi as he walked into the large Pokéball-shaped building. The corridors were filled with lockers and children who were talking in general.

"Yeah, i remember when our classrooms were attended in those little wooden huts" said Kairi as they walked along the corridor.
A group of boys were huddled together as they chatted to eachother. "Hey, you heard Prof. Oak is coming to the graduation ceremony?" said one of the boys to the other.

"Yeah, i heard he's here to help the new trainers and give out Pokémon" said the other boy.

"Kozoi" said Kairi as he opened a small door and walked into the classroom.

"Yeah?" said Kozoi as he walked to his desk, the classroom was pretty empty and the classroom was in a typical school design. Eight desks were lined up in twos and at the front of the classroom was a large blackboard and the teachers desk which was covered in all sorts of notes and forms.

Kozoi sat down on his desk and Kairi sat next to him. They noticed the board had a note attached to it which stated "Graduates please report to the meeting hall a.s.a.p."

"Huh!" yelled Kozoi as he jumped out of his desk and knocked his chair to the floor.

Kozoi rushed out of the classroom and ran down the corridor with Kairi paceing behind him, hoping to catch up. "Wait!" yelled Kairi as she stopped running and began to catch her breath. Kozoi would not listen as he ran into a large set of double doors and threw them open.

"...saur, so you'd like this one?" said an old man who Kozoi stared at as everyone was paying full attention to him and not Kozoi who had just barged in. The old man was Prof. Oak, he had chalky white hair and bright blue eyes, he was wearing a white lab coat and a maroon button-up shirt underneath.

Kozoi walked in and noticed two people stood next to a Charmander and a Squirtle, which were Pokémon he had recently been studying in class. He knew Charmander was a fire type and Squirtle was a water type. One of the children was a girl with bright purple hair which was in pigtails, the other was a boy with long blonde hair.

The room was filled with people, adults and their daughters and sons were attending the ceremony. The room was filled with chairs and a stage that Prof. Oak was standing on. On the stage there was a single table, Prof. Oak and a young boy.

Kozoi immideately turned his attention to Prof. Oak who was handing a Pokéball to a young boy with dark red hair and a smug look on his face as he was handed the Pokéball.

"Okay, please take good care of Bulbasaur. All of you have fun on your journeys" said Prof. Oak as he picked up his suitcase and placed it on the table.

"Wait!" said Kozoi as he ran upto the stage, almost tripping up as he did so.

"Another student?" said Prof. Oak as he looked at Kozoi who was glaring at the trainer to his right.

"Pathetic" said the young boy with scarlet hair who was tossing the Pokéball in his hand. The crowd could not hear him as he muttered this from the stage.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Note:

Yeah, i felt like a different start to a journey rather than a wakeuprecievepokemonblah sort of journey. The trainer school was an interesting thing for me to come out with, i guess we can see how this story goes next time.

I will try to post the next Chapter later, for now im going to play on Pokémon Silver.

Main Character Details:

-+Name: Kozoi

-+Gender: Male

-+Hair Colour: Brown

-+Eye Colour: Blue

-+Age: 10

-+Pokémon Team:


Ralts Lv. 10
Moves: Growl, Confusion.
Met at Pallet Town.


Hoppip Lv. 8
Moves: Splash, Synthesis.
Met at Pallet Town.


-+Pokémon in lab:

N/a

-+ Items:

Pokédex
Pokéball x4
Pokémon food

C+C is appriciated, i don't mind improving my style of roleplay. Hopefully this fanfiction may improve my English skills which i could do with since i have an exam coming up. Also, tell me how long you want the paragraphs and how descriptive you want them to be.

Rating ~ PG-13. May contain bad language and scenes of violence.
It is impossible to bob your head back and forth with your mouth open.

JX Valentine

Your aquatic overlord

Female
Harassing Bill
Seen August 19th, 2020
Posted December 8th, 2012
3,276 posts
19 Years
Okay, I'm confused. O_o Is this an RPG or an actual fanfiction? I ask because I'd give you different crit depending on whether or not you're actually intending on this to be a fanfiction, not a "roleplay." (For one thing, the entire formatting stuff should really be pitched. It's overly complicated, and if you really can't tell us when a Pokemon's using telepathy without putting everything in purple, most likely, you're being too vague in the actual narration.)

Likewise, the entire character bio should be unnecessary in fanfiction, particularly because you're going to be bringing up that information anyway.

If you are intending on this to be a fanfiction and not an RP, then yes, it's called "fanfiction." RP (or roleplay) is a game in which multiple people take on characters and roleplay scenes. You can see examples here.

For now, I'm going to assume you meant this to be a fanfiction because there doesn't look to be any particular rules, sign-up sheets, or any other indication that this is an RPG and not a fanfiction.

That said...

Kozoi was outside of Viridian City, he was a young trainer who attended the Pokémon Trainers school.
First off, this is a run-on sentence. Try inserting a period where there's a comma. Notice how you end up with two full sentences? This is called the period test, and I want you to try it whenever you insert a comma into a sentence to see whether or not you're accidentally creating a run-on. Now, run-ons are bad just because they're bad form. It's like you're mashing together two unrelated ideas (particularly in this case, considering the fact that he's outside Viridian and the fact that he was a young trainer don't really have anything to do with each other), so it ends up being a little awkward to our eyes.

Second, let's talk about "trainers." Now, right now, it's just plural, as if there's multiple trainers who don't own anything (like the school). You need a possessive here (to show that the school belonged to the trainers), but you could really do it two ways. If you're saying that it was a school for multiple Pokemon trainers, put an apostrophe after the S. If you're saying that it was a school where the average Pokemon trainer would go, put an apostrophe before the S. Confusing, but it just comes down to whether or not you meant the word (before attempting to turn it into a possessive) to be "trainer" or "trainers."

Today was his tenth birthday, as of such he was able to recieve a begginners Pokémon license and begin his Pokémon journeys through the Kanto Region which he was looking foward to begining.
1. "And as such," not "as of such." "As of such" really doesn't exist in this language as a phrase.

2. "Receive." I before E except after C unless sounding like "hay" like in "neighbor" and "weigh." Unless it's "weird."

3. Again, possessive problem with the word "beginner."
3a. Also, you may want to run this through an English spell-checker before posting it. This is a good online one.
3b. I say this because I think it's a little weird that you put two G's in "beginner" but put one in "beginning" (which was also misspelled).

4. Read this sentence again aloud. Notice how it sounds a little weird? That's because it keeps going and going as you try to stuff too much information into it. Try breaking up the sentence a little more or getting rid of information. For example, in one sentence, just talk about how he's ten and can receive a beginner's license. In another, you can say he'll begin his Pokemon journey. Lastly, we can pretty much guess that he's going to be excited, so you don't need to say he's looking forward to it.

5. "Beginner's license"? Buh? O_o Do you mean "trainer's license" here?

After this point, I assume you can get the idea about run-ons and possessives (and, for that matter, running this through spell check). Ergo, I'll just leave those points alone since you tend to make those mistakes multiple times throughout the fic.

They were near the school courtyard which was just on the outskirts of Viridian City.
Don't randomly throw in information like you did here when Kairi approached. Instead, introduce important information such as the location earlier in the fic -- like, when the scene starts. That way, it won't seem like too much of an afterthought.

"Hey Kairi, whats up?"
Apostrophe in "what's" because that word is a contraction for "what is." I know it's weird because not a lot of languages use apostrophes, but still.

The courtyard was surrounded by grass as Kairi sat down on a bench and beckoned Kozoi over to take a break.
Using the word "as" in this sentence implies that it was just happening while the characters were doing whatever comes after that word. As in, right now, you're saying the courtyard is just now being surrounded by grass.

Instead, try to describe the setting in more detail in a separate sentence. Show us the grass, the sandy pathway, and the benches when you open the scene. Say this all in multiple sentences. That way, it won't just "pop up" for the convenience of the characters.

"Your going
His what?

Your = possessive pronoun.
You're = contraction for "you are."

Confusing, but you'll want to learn homophones to avoid oddities.

"Yeah, but i don't know how i'll
The pronoun I is always capitalized. No exceptions.

and glazed her in the eyes which caused her to look down.
And did what to her eyes? O_o

I'm pretty sure you mean "gazed into" here. One can only glaze one's own eyes, and even then, to have eyes that are glazing over means you're zoning out.

Well i do like Bulbasaur, and Charmander..."
No comma here. It really serves no purpose because this is neither a compound sentence nor a list of three or more items.

Mrs would be
Period after "Mrs." It's an abbreviated title.

that she had set up for us." said Kozoi as he and Kairi stood up.
Comma after "us," not a period. The reason why is because you're technically not ending the sentence right there. Notice how you have "said" be lowercase?

There was two huts
Were. Was is singular. Were is plural.

made out of wood aside a big building which had navy-painted bricks which were stacked in a circular layer.
The repetition of "which" phrases makes this sentence a bit awkward. It feels like you're zooming into details, which makes the writing itself feel jerky the more you do it. As in, it feels like you're jerking us forward, if that makes sense. Instead, try taking out "which were" and leaving it as "navy-painted bricks stacked in a circular layer."

to eachother.
Upto. Eachother. Both are actually two separate words. Be careful and run this through spell check in order to catch that kind of thing.

"Yeah, i heard he's here to help the new trainers and give out Pokémon" said the other boy.
Comma after "Pokemon." You need some mark of punctuation to show that this is the end of the sentence that's being spoken.

at the front of the classroom was
Were. Again, you're bringing up multiple items, so you need a plural here.

Kozoi sat down on his desk and Kairi sat next to him.
Comma after "desk." This is a compound sentence. Try the period trick, replacing the conjunction ("and") with a period. Notice how you get two sentences as a result? Now, in order to merge the two into one (compound) sentence (because they're related ideas), you'll need the comma after "desk" (which replaces the period that "desk" would get if the sentence stood on its own) and the word "and" to show you're connecting the two thoughts.

They noticed the board had a note attached to it which stated "Graduates please report to the meeting hall a.s.a.p."
1. Comma after "stated." This is still dialogue, so to show that you're leading into a quote, you need something that comes right after the dialogue tag (the part that says "he says," she says," what have you).

2. A.S.A.P. is always capitalized because it's an acronym.

3. Wouldn't the graduates have a bit more notice about when the ceremony would be taking place? As in, wouldn't they get the notice months in advance? ._. I mean, I knew when I was graduating high school well before it actually happened.

"Wait!" yelled Kairi as she stopped running and began to catch her breath.
Put this in its own paragraph. It's a piece of dialogue, so you should treat it as if this is a conversation.

Kozoi who was gleeming at the trainer to his right.
Kozoi was... shining at the other trainer? O_o (To gleam = to shine.)


In all, let's start with the problems first.

Yeah, you've got a number of oddities with grammar, spelling, and general word choice. I have several pieces of advice here:

1. Use that online spell checker I gave you earlier.

2. Go to OWL at Purdue. It should teach you the basics of every mark of punctuation and part of speech you're having trouble with, particularly possessives, apostrophes, commas, and pronouns. It's also very straightforward, with exercises and examples that make every lesson absolutely clear.

3. Get a beta. Betas will read over your story and help you work out the problems. That way, you won't end up with oddities like your characters gleaming at people.

Additionally, the narration had its holes. For one, you described the setting through afterthoughts. I've given you a bit of advice concerning when to describe things, so I'll assume that's covered.

For another, I still can't get over the idea that Kozoi didn't know when he should be at the ceremony. It feels like you're really trying to find a reason to have your main character miss out on the conventional starters, so I can predict that the next thing Oak's going to do is pull out a special Pokemon just for Kozoi. I really hope you're not going for that kind of angle because otherwise, you're trying to go for a not-so-cliche angle, and that would just end up adding another cliche to the mix.

For positives, I admit that the trainer's school idea tends to be a bit well-visited, but you neither bore us with having us sit through the characters' classes nor use it as an excuse to make your character older. For that, I give you a thumbs up. Additionally, I admit I like the idea of Professor Oak handing out starters at a ceremony (although I didn't particularly care for Kozoi bursting into it partway through). That makes it feel like a formal milestone in a new trainer's life, which actually makes it feel like it should be such a big deal to your characters.

Overall, believe it or not, yes, I think this has a lot of potential in terms of story. You just need to organize it a bit better and clean it up.
Professional ninja. May or may not actually be back. Here for the snark and banter at most.

Need some light reading?
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Male
Behind you.
Seen June 15th, 2012
Posted July 3rd, 2011
368 posts
14.9 Years
Okay, I'm confused. O_o Is this an RPG or an actual fanfiction? I ask because I'd give you different crit depending on whether or not you're actually intending on this to be a fanfiction, not a "roleplay." (For one thing, the entire formatting stuff should really be pitched. It's overly complicated, and if you really can't tell us when a Pokemon's using telepathy without putting everything in purple, most likely, you're being too vague in the actual narration.)

Likewise, the entire character bio should be unnecessary in fanfiction, particularly because you're going to be bringing up that information anyway.

If you are intending on this to be a fanfiction and not an RP, then yes, it's called "fanfiction." RP (or roleplay) is a game in which multiple people take on characters and roleplay scenes. You can see examples here.

For now, I'm going to assume you meant this to be a fanfiction because there doesn't look to be any particular rules, sign-up sheets, or any other indication that this is an RPG and not a fanfiction.

That said...



First off, this is a run-on sentence. Try inserting a period where there's a comma. Notice how you end up with two full sentences? This is called the period test, and I want you to try it whenever you insert a comma into a sentence to see whether or not you're accidentally creating a run-on. Now, run-ons are bad just because they're bad form. It's like you're mashing together two unrelated ideas (particularly in this case, considering the fact that he's outside Viridian and the fact that he was a young trainer don't really have anything to do with each other), so it ends up being a little awkward to our eyes.

Second, let's talk about "trainers." Now, right now, it's just plural, as if there's multiple trainers who don't own anything (like the school). You need a possessive here (to show that the school belonged to the trainers), but you could really do it two ways. If you're saying that it was a school for multiple Pokemon trainers, put an apostrophe after the S. If you're saying that it was a school where the average Pokemon trainer would go, put an apostrophe before the S. Confusing, but it just comes down to whether or not you meant the word (before attempting to turn it into a possessive) to be "trainer" or "trainers."



1. "And as such," not "as of such." "As of such" really doesn't exist in this language as a phrase.

2. "Receive." I before E except after C unless sounding like "hay" like in "neighbor" and "weigh." Unless it's "weird."

3. Again, possessive problem with the word "beginner."
3a. Also, you may want to run this through an English spell-checker before posting it. This is a good online one.
3b. I say this because I think it's a little weird that you put two G's in "beginner" but put one in "beginning" (which was also misspelled).

4. Read this sentence again aloud. Notice how it sounds a little weird? That's because it keeps going and going as you try to stuff too much information into it. Try breaking up the sentence a little more or getting rid of information. For example, in one sentence, just talk about how he's ten and can receive a beginner's license. In another, you can say he'll begin his Pokemon journey. Lastly, we can pretty much guess that he's going to be excited, so you don't need to say he's looking forward to it.

5. "Beginner's license"? Buh? O_o Do you mean "trainer's license" here?

After this point, I assume you can get the idea about run-ons and possessives (and, for that matter, running this through spell check). Ergo, I'll just leave those points alone since you tend to make those mistakes multiple times throughout the fic.



Don't randomly throw in information like you did here when Kairi approached. Instead, introduce important information such as the location earlier in the fic -- like, when the scene starts. That way, it won't seem like too much of an afterthought.



Apostrophe in "what's" because that word is a contraction for "what is." I know it's weird because not a lot of languages use apostrophes, but still.



Using the word "as" in this sentence implies that it was just happening while the characters were doing whatever comes after that word. As in, right now, you're saying the courtyard is just now being surrounded by grass.

Instead, try to describe the setting in more detail in a separate sentence. Show us the grass, the sandy pathway, and the benches when you open the scene. Say this all in multiple sentences. That way, it won't just "pop up" for the convenience of the characters.



His what?

Your = possessive pronoun.
You're = contraction for "you are."

Confusing, but you'll want to learn homophones to avoid oddities.



The pronoun I is always capitalized. No exceptions.



And did what to her eyes? O_o

I'm pretty sure you mean "gazed into" here. One can only glaze one's own eyes, and even then, to have eyes that are glazing over means you're zoning out.



No comma here. It really serves no purpose because this is neither a compound sentence nor a list of three or more items.



Period after "Mrs." It's an abbreviated title.



Comma after "us," not a period. The reason why is because you're technically not ending the sentence right there. Notice how you have "said" be lowercase?



Were. Was is singular. Were is plural.



The repetition of "which" phrases makes this sentence a bit awkward. It feels like you're zooming into details, which makes the writing itself feel jerky the more you do it. As in, it feels like you're jerking us forward, if that makes sense. Instead, try taking out "which were" and leaving it as "navy-painted bricks stacked in a circular layer."



Upto. Eachother. Both are actually two separate words. Be careful and run this through spell check in order to catch that kind of thing.



Comma after "Pokemon." You need some mark of punctuation to show that this is the end of the sentence that's being spoken.



Were. Again, you're bringing up multiple items, so you need a plural here.



Comma after "desk." This is a compound sentence. Try the period trick, replacing the conjunction ("and") with a period. Notice how you get two sentences as a result? Now, in order to merge the two into one (compound) sentence (because they're related ideas), you'll need the comma after "desk" (which replaces the period that "desk" would get if the sentence stood on its own) and the word "and" to show you're connecting the two thoughts.



1. Comma after "stated." This is still dialogue, so to show that you're leading into a quote, you need something that comes right after the dialogue tag (the part that says "he says," she says," what have you).

2. A.S.A.P. is always capitalized because it's an acronym.

3. Wouldn't the graduates have a bit more notice about when the ceremony would be taking place? As in, wouldn't they get the notice months in advance? ._. I mean, I knew when I was graduating high school well before it actually happened.



Put this in its own paragraph. It's a piece of dialogue, so you should treat it as if this is a conversation.



Kozoi was... shining at the other trainer? O_o (To gleam = to shine.)
I noticed this also, i think i meant to put glare as in to stare.

In all, let's start with the problems first.

Yeah, you've got a number of oddities with grammar, spelling, and general word choice. I have several pieces of advice here:

1. Use that online spell checker I gave you earlier.

2. Go to OWL at Purdue. It should teach you the basics of every mark of punctuation and part of speech you're having trouble with, particularly possessives, apostrophes, commas, and pronouns. It's also very straightforward, with exercises and examples that make every lesson absolutely clear.

3. Get a beta. Betas will read over your story and help you work out the problems. That way, you won't end up with oddities like your characters gleaming at people.

Additionally, the narration had its holes. For one, you described the setting through afterthoughts. I've given you a bit of advice concerning when to describe things, so I'll assume that's covered.

For another, I still can't get over the idea that Kozoi didn't know when he should be at the ceremony. It feels like you're really trying to find a reason to have your main character miss out on the conventional starters, so I can predict that the next thing Oak's going to do is pull out a special Pokemon just for Kozoi. I really hope you're not going for that kind of angle because otherwise, you're trying to go for a not-so-cliche angle, and that would just end up adding another cliche to the mix.

For positives, I admit that the trainer's school idea tends to be a bit well-visited, but you neither bore us with having us sit through the characters' classes nor use it as an excuse to make your character older. For that, I give you a thumbs up. Additionally, I admit I like the idea of Professor Oak handing out starters at a ceremony (although I didn't particularly care for Kozoi bursting into it partway through). That makes it feel like a formal milestone in a new trainer's life, which actually makes it feel like it should be such a big deal to your characters.

Overall, believe it or not, yes, I think this has a lot of potential in terms of story. You just need to organize it a bit better and clean it up.
This is a fanfiction, if it was a roleplay it would have signup sheets. Thanks for the C+C.

Also, a trainers license was mentioned in the first episode of Pokémon which was entitled "Pokémon, i choose you!" The quote was something along the lines of "... a beginners Pokémon license" which makes you presume it could be entitled as a beginners license. :P

And thanks for the spell check, im gonna give it a try now then update my story.
It is impossible to bob your head back and forth with your mouth open.

JX Valentine

Your aquatic overlord

Female
Harassing Bill
Seen August 19th, 2020
Posted December 8th, 2012
3,276 posts
19 Years
Also, a trainers license was mentioned in the first episode of Pokémon which was entitled "Pokémon, i choose you!" You'd know this if you watched it but the Pokédex doubles as a trainer license. :P
That's my point. You said what is essentially "beginner's license" in this fic, not "trainer's license." To quote:

as of such he was able to recieve a begginners Pokémon license
There's no such thing as a "beginner's license" (or, for that matter, "beginner's Pokemon license"). A trainer's license is a trainer's license. There are no ranks.

Also, yes, as I've said before, there's no sign up or rules, so I assumed it was a fanfiction. However, your author's note at the beginning labeled it as a "roleplay."
Professional ninja. May or may not actually be back. Here for the snark and banter at most.

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Male
Behind you.
Seen June 15th, 2012
Posted July 3rd, 2011
368 posts
14.9 Years
That's my point. You said what is essentially "beginner's license" in this fic, not "trainer's license." To quote:



There's no such thing as a "beginner's license" (or, for that matter, "beginner's Pokemon license"). A trainer's license is a trainer's license. There are no ranks.

There we're originally going to be ranks, though. Pokémon have thought about doing things then made alot of changes. Such as Arbok not evolving into Serviper. The beginners license is thanks to them stating that it was for beginners, thus some sort of rank system. >_<

Also, yes, as I've said before, there's no sign up or rules, so I assumed it was a fanfiction. However, your author's note at the beginning labeled it as a "roleplay."
By roleplay i meant roleplay skills, as in i want to improve my roleplay skills. Considering fanfiction and roleplay are both in past tense and technically the same i think improving my fanfiction would also benefit my roleplay. If i put RP or roleplay anywhere else it was most likely an accident since i am not really a pro at fanfiction and i usually stick to roleplay as my comfort zone.

Spell check used, thanks. Although, it took away all the spaces between paragraphs.

I hope my spelling improves anyway, i guess its one step at a time. ^^ Luckily i'm not speaking like "O HAI DER GANGSTUR" so there is still some hope. >_<

Thanks, lol.

Going to bed now, will post chapter 2 tommorow.
It is impossible to bob your head back and forth with your mouth open.

JX Valentine

Your aquatic overlord

Female
Harassing Bill
Seen August 19th, 2020
Posted December 8th, 2012
3,276 posts
19 Years
There we're originally going to be ranks, though. Pokémon have thought about doing things then made alot of changes. Such as Arbok not evolving into Serviper. The beginners license is thanks to them stating that it was for beginners, thus some sort of rank system. >_<
Where did you get this information? =/

No, there's no canonical ranks unless you're looking at Electric Tales of Pikachu (in which the ranks -- e.g. "Boulder Rank," "Cascade Rank," et cetera -- are actually in reference to which badges you have) or the games (although colored cards really don't mean anything). There were never going to be "ranks" as far as my resources state. For example, there's no mention of ranked licenses here or any of the other articles on each beta.

Likewise, Arbok was never going to evolve into Seviper. (That was only a mistake on 4Kids' part in one quiz they had during an episode. It's basically like Meowth calling a flock of Pidgey "Pidgeotto" during one episode. There's nothing to it than the dubbers' lack of knowledge over their own franchise.)

You're probably confusing this with the idea that the game is for young children, usually simple enough so that even beginners can beat it. If not, link, please.

Either way, this all is really a moot point anyway. In fanfiction, you'll want to go with the released canon -- as in, not betas or planning stages but rather what is actually within the finished games. This is like writing Pokemon fanfiction in which there's a Bird-type but no Flying-type.

Considering fanfiction and roleplay are both in past tense
....

i don't mind improving my style of roleplay. Hopefully this fanfiction may improve my English skills which i could do with since i have an exam coming up.
That's present tense.

and technically the same
Not exactly. I'd personally say there's a slight difference between roleplaying and writing fanfiction. With fanfiction, you need to take more time and put more thought into it, I would think, because you're only writing the story as one person. With roleplay, you need to be able to think on your feet and be flexible because there's more than one of you building a story in unison, even if one of you is defined as the GM. Every action of each player can potentially derail what happens in the story, whereas in fanfiction, it's all on you.

Likewise, in roleplaying, people expect you to have your poses out as quickly as possible, so there's less of an emphasis on quality (even though you should keep that in mind and can in fact write quality poses in a short amount of time before the other players advance without you if you have enough RP skill) and more on interaction and advancing the storyline for yourself and the other players. In fanfiction, you have more time to spend with your work because no one expects your next installment to be out less than a week after you submitted your last one.

In terms of writing skills, yes, writing a lot would improve your general skills (RP or otherwise), but other than that, there's really more to improving your RP skills than just trying to work out the points that cross over with writing fanfiction. There's also player coordination, timing, and speed writing (among other things), which you really can't learn here.

Spell check used, thanks. Although, it took away all the spaces between paragraphs.
You're welcome. Also, yes, you'll need to edit after you run it through spell check (which you should do anyway to correct any mistakes a spell check might not have caught).

If you're bothered by it, you'll want to write in a word processor like Microsoft Word. Just set your language to English, and it should be able to work just as well. Also, try turning on spell check as you type to get red lines under all of the words not in the dictionary. That way, you can tell the difference between what's intentionally misspelled and what isn't without having to hit ignore so often.
Professional ninja. May or may not actually be back. Here for the snark and banter at most.

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Male
Behind you.
Seen June 15th, 2012
Posted July 3rd, 2011
368 posts
14.9 Years
Where did you get this information? =/

No, there's no canonical ranks unless you're looking at Electric Tales of Pikachu (in which the ranks -- e.g. "Boulder Rank," "Cascade Rank," et cetera -- are actually in reference to which badges you have) or the games (although colored cards really don't mean anything). There were never going to be "ranks" as far as my resources state. For example, there's no mention of ranked licenses here or any of the other articles on each beta.

Likewise, Arbok was never going to evolve into Seviper. (That was only a mistake on 4Kids' part in one quiz they had during an episode. It's basically like Meowth calling a flock of Pidgey "Pidgeotto" during one episode. There's nothing to it than the dubbers' lack of knowledge over their own franchise.)

You're probably confusing this with the idea that the game is for young children, usually simple enough so that even beginners can beat it. If not, link, please.

Either way, this all is really a moot point anyway. In fanfiction, you'll want to go with the released canon -- as in, not betas or planning stages but rather what is actually within the finished games. This is like writing Pokemon fanfiction in which there's a Bird-type but no Flying-type.



....



That's present tense.



Not exactly. I'd personally say there's a slight difference between roleplaying and writing fanfiction. With fanfiction, you need to take more time and put more thought into it, I would think, because you're only writing the story as one person. With roleplay, you need to be able to think on your feet and be flexible because there's more than one of you building a story in unison, even if one of you is defined as the GM. Every action of each player can potentially derail what happens in the story, whereas in fanfiction, it's all on you.

Likewise, in roleplaying, people expect you to have your poses out as quickly as possible, so there's less of an emphasis on quality (even though you should keep that in mind and can in fact write quality poses in a short amount of time before the other players advance without you if you have enough RP skill) and more on interaction and advancing the storyline for yourself and the other players. In fanfiction, you have more time to spend with your work because no one expects your next installment to be out less than a week after you submitted your last one.

In terms of writing skills, yes, writing a lot would improve your general skills (RP or otherwise), but other than that, there's really more to improving your RP skills than just trying to work out the points that cross over with writing fanfiction. There's also player coordination, timing, and speed writing (among other things), which you really can't learn here.



You're welcome. Also, yes, you'll need to edit after you run it through spell check (which you should do anyway to correct any mistakes a spell check might not have caught).

If you're bothered by it, you'll want to write in a word processor like Microsoft Word. Just set your language to English, and it should be able to work just as well. Also, try turning on spell check as you type to get red lines under all of the words not in the dictionary. That way, you can tell the difference between what's intentionally misspelled and what isn't without having to hit ignore so often.
I can't afford microsoft word, i have no method of buying any software. Also, the only text that is past tense is the story, you were quoting parts from the OOC chat which is present tense. I have been told by a moderator that past tense is used in IC only. OOC text can be either IC or OOC.

Part 2 will be ready a little later, looking around some shops in Manchester.

And yeah, the 4kids dub do make alot of mistakes. Voltorbs saying "Electrodeee" and Arbok evolving into Serviper... Stunspore putting Nurse Joy to sleep. Need i say more? Yeah, maybe i should of put trainers license but oh well. You learn as you go along. :P

I loled at that episode where Shiftry put Joy to sleep and Brock was like "They r using teh stunsporez lolz". Just shows 4kids don't take much care in dubbing their anime.
It is impossible to bob your head back and forth with your mouth open.
Male
Behind you.
Seen June 15th, 2012
Posted July 3rd, 2011
368 posts
14.9 Years
Chapter 2 ~

Kozoi was stood in front of Prof. Oak, a crowd of people gazed over to him awaiting to see Prof. Oaks reply.

"Well, your a little late" said Prof Oak as he tucked his maroon shirt into his pants.

"Yeah, i uh overslept" said Kozoi as he looked down to the ground.

"Well, i guess you'll be needing a Pokémon" said Prof. Oak before a woman interrupted from the crowd.

"Professor, we need to be getting back to Pallet Town soon" said the woman.

"Yes, i am well aware Mary. We will make our way back now and this boy will accompany us" said the Professor as he looked at Kozoi.

"...Okay" said Kozoi in a timid voice, he had been late for the most important part of the ceremony and he wasn't going to give up on getting a Pokémon now.

"Well, we will be making our leave. Thanks for your time everyone" said Prof. Oak as he picked up his briefcase off the table and walked off the stage, followed by Mary and Kozoi who paced after him as quickly as they could.

They walked out of the main building complex and found themselves back in the courtyard, there were many students who looked over at the professor. A small group of boys walked over to the side of the Professor and began to huddle around him.

"Tell us, professor. What level does Gloom evolve?" said one of the students. Many of the other students were watching from the back of the crowd as the professor looked over them.

"Well, Gloom evolves using either a Sun Stone or a Leaf Stone" said the professor as he began to nudge his way past the crowd with Kozoi and Mary tracing behind him.

"Wow, he sure is smart!" said one of the students as the group nudged past the boys who were blocking their path.

The professor and Kozoi began to walk outside of Viridian City, on the outskirts there was a small sandy path with rich green grass sprawling out from either side. The sky was a rich blue colour and the grassland was filled with small sunflowers.

"Ah, its this time of season" said the professor as Kozoi and Mary traced behind him along the sandy path.

"What do you mean, Professor" said Mary as she tilted her glasses forward on her petite nose.

"Sunflowers budding, grass blowing in the breeze. Its spring time" said the Professor in a joyful tone as he bent over and picked a small sunflower up off the ground.

The group soon noticed many tall buildings in the distance at the edge of the grasslands. There was a large hill with a white building next to it on the outskirts of town. The large white building had a windmill attached to the top and there was a large enclosure of grassland and forestry surrounded by wooden fencing.

"Ah, we are home" said the professor as he walked closer to the building with Kozoi and Mary tracing behind him.

"Well, come inside" said the professor as he walked up the large green hill which had fencing at either side.

Kozoi noticed a flock of Pidgey flying over the professors lab, he also noticed a small group of Oddish and its evolved forms playing together on the slope of the grassy hill.

"Wow, look at all the Pokémon" said Kozoi as he gazed over to the large group of Bellossom which were dancing in a circle.

"Yes, any trainer who begins their journey here or at the trainer school has their spare Pokémon stored here and I take care of them" said Prof. Oak as he looked at the front door to his home grinning.

Professor Oak walked inside the building followed by Mary then Kozoi. Inside there was a lodge dining table with two chairs on either side and an empty fruit bowl in the middle of the table. There were two sofas which were huddled next to a door which stated 'Keep out'.

The Professor told them to come follow him and he took them to the door and walked inside. There were various machines including a large red machine which looked questionable. Light bounced in from outside and lit up the small room. At the very end of the room a small white dressing table could be saw with two Pokéballs lay atop of it.

"Well, heres where you can choose your very first Pokémon, Kozoi" said the professor as they walked up to the small white dressing table.

"Can i see them?" said Kozoi in an excited yet polite manner, hoping to get a rare Pokémon from the professor.

"Yes, you can" said the professor as he picked one of the red balls up off the table and tossed it into the air. A beam of red light shot out and a small pink Pokémon shot out, it had small tufts of grass atop of its head and bright yellow eyes.

"Woah, whats that?" said Kozoi as he looked over to the small pink Pokémon which was floating in midair.

"Well, take a look for yourself" said the professor as he passed Kozoi a small rectangular box which he flicked open.

"I am the Dexter, the Pokédex program version 2.0. Please state your name" said the Pokédex as buttons flashed on and off.

"... Kozoi Zaroshi" said Kozoi as he lifted his eyebrow, finding it a little strange that a piece of machinery would want to know his name.

"Registration complete, Kozoi Zaroshi of Viridian City." said the Pokédex as it bleeped on and off before Kozoi turned it over to the small pink Pokémon which had a plant sprouting from atop its head. The small Pokémon was bouncing up and down against a cool breeze in midair which was coming out of the window.

"Hoppip, the cotton weed Pokémon. These Pokémon usually gather in clusters to prevent being blown away by the wind. They do enjoy gentle breezes, though" said the Pokédex.

"Hoppip, Huh?" thought Kozoi as he picked up the other ball off the table and twisted it against his fingers before pushing the button which caused the ball to expand in size.

"...No!" said professor Oak as Kozoi released the Pokémon from the Pokéball in a flash of red light.

A small Pokémon appeared from the Pokéball, it had a small green cap-like fold atop of its head and a red horn which pointed out of the top of its head. It was dressed in all white with a flowing dress-garment which reached past its small legs.

The Pokédex began to beep as Kozoi aimed it at the Pokémon. "Ralts, the feeling Pokémon. A Ralts has the power to sense the emotions of people and Pokémon with the horns on its head. It takes cover if it senses any hostility" said the Pokédex as it beeped on and off.


"Shes so cute..." said Kozoi as he looked down on the tiny Pokémon which looked up, showing its bright red eyes.

"Cute yes, recommended for a beginner like you... Highly doubtful" said the professor as he looked down on the tiny Pokémon.

"I'm sure she doesn't mean any harm, look at her" said Kozoi as he looked down at the little Pokémon.

"Raaaltss" said the little Pokémon as its grinned slightly at Kozoi.

"I want this one" said Kozoi to the professor as he peered down at the little Pokémon.

"Well, if you think its wise. I'd also recommend you take these, your Pokéballs. You will be using them to store your Pokémon on your journeys" said the professor as he pulled five empty Pokéballs out of his briefcase and handed them to Kozoi who then placed them in his backpack.

"Okay. Ralts, return" said Kozoi as Ralts was shot back into her Pokéball in a beam of red light.

Kozoi had obtained his very first Pokémon and his journey was about to begin through the Kanto Region.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yeah, i'm going to start Ralts at level 7 since otherwise it would only know Growl. Also, C+C is still appriciated as i said earlier. C+C will only be noted if you are giving it on the IC part of the post, not the OOC part.

I also think the spellchecker achually didn't correct professor some of the time, and it caused alot of problems due to it deleting the spaces between my text and placing all the text in bold. :\
It is impossible to bob your head back and forth with your mouth open.

JX Valentine

Your aquatic overlord

Female
Harassing Bill
Seen August 19th, 2020
Posted December 8th, 2012
3,276 posts
19 Years
I Can't afford microsoft word, i have no method of buying any software.
Try Open Office, then. It's open source, which means it's free for download and use. Google it.

In any case, you should be working with a word processor anyway. You can save without letting people view incomplete, unproofread work, and that's on top of the ability to spell check and send a document to a beta if you need to.

Because I'm assuming you're working without a word processor, I'm afraid I'll have to stop reading under the assumption that you're posting work you haven't looked over first. I'm sorry. It's just one of my principles. (Not to mention you're using images in your story. That's just a big no in my book because it means you're probably not describing the Pokemon well enough in the narration itself.)

Also, the only text that is Past tense is the story, you were quoting parts from the OOC chat which is present tense.
Um, that's what my point was about originally. You labeled the fanfiction as roleplaying in your author's notes (the "OOC portion"), which led to the confusion about how to look at your story.
Professional ninja. May or may not actually be back. Here for the snark and banter at most.

Need some light reading?
Anima Ex Machina (Chapter 20 now available)
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Male
Behind you.
Seen June 15th, 2012
Posted July 3rd, 2011
368 posts
14.9 Years
Try Open Office, then. It's open source, which means it's free for download and use. Google it.

In any case, you should be working with a word processor anyway. You can save without letting people view incomplete, unproofread work, and that's on top of the ability to spell check and send a document to a beta if you need to.

Because I'm assuming you're working without a word processor, I'm afraid I'll have to stop reading under the assumption that you're posting work you haven't looked over first. I'm sorry. It's just one of my principles. (Not to mention you're using images in your story. That's just a big no in my book because it means you're probably not describing the Pokemon well enough in the narration itself.)

Added by me: Uhm, why don't you try achually reading it. Seriously, the descriptions only need to be brief, i don't need to spend 20+ lines describing how a Hoppip looks.

Um, that's what my point was about originally. You labeled the fanfiction as roleplaying in your author's notes (the "OOC portion"), which led to the confusion about how to look at your story.
I'm working without a word processor then i click preview and read over it then i use the spell checker. Correct, and images are useful because they give the readers a good idea of whats being described.

IC - In character
OOC - Out of character.

The 'OOC' portion was notes for people to read, and a general overview of whats happened so far if people can't be bothered reading everything.
It is impossible to bob your head back and forth with your mouth open.
Male
Behind you.
Seen June 15th, 2012
Posted July 3rd, 2011
368 posts
14.9 Years
Chapter 3 ~

Kozoi had just recieved his very first Pokémon from Proffesor Oak of Pallet Town. He was overjoyed to of obtained a Ralts, and now he could begin his Pokémon journeys through the Kanto Region like his friends had dreamed of.

"Well Kozoi, good luck on your journeys" said Proffesor Oak as Mary began to scurry along the lab floor then grab the Hoppip which was floating in midair akwardly.

The Hoppip didn't look inclined to move as it squirmed out of Marys hands then floated high into the air. The Hoppip looked down to the Proffesor and then waddled its small body over beside Kozoi by swinging its small fragile arms in midair and wiggling the weeds which lay atop of its head.

"Well Kozoi, it appears Hoppip likes you..." said the Proffesor as he looked over to the Hoppip which was floating high above Kozoi's head.

"...Yeah" said Mary as she looked over to the Hoppip which floated down from the lab roof then landed atop of Kozoi's right shoulder.

"...I've got an idea Kozoi, why don't you take Hoppip with you?" said Proffesor Oak as he looked over to the Hoppip.

"Yeah but arent you allowed to only give one Pokémon away to new trainers?" said Kozoi as he looked over to the Hoppip which was purched on his shoulder while waggling the plant in Kozois face which was atop of its head.

"Well, I am sure i can make an exception. These Pokémon arent the ones I usually give out to newbie trainers, i was studying them" said Proffesor Oak.

"Well okay, how would you like that Hoppip?" said Kozoi to Hoppip as he turned his head next to Hoppip who was purched on his shoulder happily.

"Hop, Hoppip!" said the Hoppip merrily before bouncing off Kozois shoulder and floating in midair.

"Okay! Hoppip Return!" shouted Kozoi as he returned Hoppip into her Pokéball in a beam of red light.

"Okay Proffesor, I best be going now" said Kozoi as he placed Hoppips Pokéball on his belt next to Ralts' and then walked out of the Lab waving at the Proffesor and Mary who had just gave him two new inexperienced Pokémon which he was ready to train.

"...Okay, the closest town from here is Viridian City" said Kozoi as he tried to imagine a map of the surrounding landscape in his head.

Kozoi walked along the outskirts of Pallet Town, looking back for a moment at the lab of Proffesor Oak. He soon found himself back in Route One which was a large grassland surrounded by sprawling grass and beautiful, colourful flowers.

Kozoi continued to walk along the grasslands before he noticed a sprawling patch of grass was shaking, out from the grass popped a small bird Pokémon with bright maroon feathers and a black underbody which sprawled out to its below its wings, it had a yellow underbelly and scarlet eyes.

"Whats that Pokémon?" thought Kozoi to himself as he looked at the small red bird Pokémon that was gazing back angrily.

Kozoi flipped out the Pokédex and aimed it at the small Pokémon. "Spearow, the tiny bird Pokémon. Spearow has a very loud cry that can be heard over a mile away. If its a high, ringing noise it is a sign they are warning eachother of danger."


"Okay, i am capturing this one!" thought Kozoi to himself as he pulled Ralts' Pokéball off his belt and tossed it into the air.

Ralts appeared before Kozoi and then got into a fighting stance, awaiting Kozoi's orders.

"Ralts! Use Confusion!" shouted Kozoi over to Ralts.

Ralts blasted a powerful kenetic blast of energy over to the Spearow which sent it flying into the air and then crashing to the ground with force.

"Great work!" shouted Kozoi over to Ralts who was looking glad that it had just hit the Spearow.

The Spearow got back on its feet slowly and growled at Kozoi and the Ralts. It let off a screech which penetrated their eardrums. The Spearow began to glow a marvelous white colour, Spearow was evolving. A blast of white energy shot up and engulfed the area before disappearing and revealing a large brown bird with a large sword-like beak. Its feathers tinted from a darker brown into a more pale brown around its underbelly, its roared as it looked at Kozoi and the Ralts that attacked it.

Kozoi pointed his Pokédex over to the large bird to see what it could be.

"Fearow, the Beak Pokémon. Fearow is recognized by its long neck and elongated beak. They are shaped for capturing pray either in soil or in water. Wild Fearow have a tendancy to be vicious to humans" said the Pokédex before it shut.

The Fearow shot at Ralts and rammed into it with full force, which knocked Ralts into the air. Kozoi shot into the air, jumped and caught Ralts as quickly as he could.

"You did good, have a rest" said Kozoi as he returned Ralts into her Pokéball.

Kozoi then pulled out Hoppips Pokéball and tossed it into the air, sending Hoppip out into battle.

"Uhm, so what moves do you know...?" said Kozoi to Hoppip who looked back and shrugging at Kozoi while closing its bright yellow eyes.

"Uh... Attack!" yelled Kozoi as he pointed to the Fearow which was flapping its wings, before lowering itself to the ground.

Hoppip began to bob up and down as it floated over to the Fearow, however nothing happened. The Pokédex began to talk, "Splash, this attack does nothing overall. Hoppip has no physical attacks." said the Pokédex before beeping in Kozois pocket.

"Uh... i have a better idea" said Kozoi as he grabbed Hoppip around his arms.

"Hop... Hoppip?" said Hoppip as she looked upto Kozoi who had her tightly grasped in his arms.

"...Run!" yelled Kozoi as he rammed into the Fearow then pushed past it, almost tripping over its long beak but managing to keep on his feet as the Fearows face began to flush red as its beak was bent from Kozoi stepping on it.

Kozoi soon found himself running down Route One with a Fearow in close pursuit, Hoppip giggled in his arms while the Fearow swept high into the sky and began to give chase as fast as it could.

"Yeah, i'm glad you think this is funny Hoppip" said Kozoi as he continued to run down Route One.
It is impossible to bob your head back and forth with your mouth open.

JX Valentine

Your aquatic overlord

Female
Harassing Bill
Seen August 19th, 2020
Posted December 8th, 2012
3,276 posts
19 Years
I brought the most major point up via VMs, but let me reply once again.

Added by me: Uhm, why don't you try achually reading it.
First off, I was saying that images in your writing give one the impression that you didn't actually bother to go and describe what's going on. It's bad advertisement because it just says to someone who's glancing at your fic that you can't be bothered to go in and actually write things out and need to rely on images. (Not only that, but the images in question are actually redundant because you describe the Pokemon in your narration anyway, usually the line before or a couple of lines before the image. The image itself pops up abruptly and really serves no function in terms of fanfiction except to do something your writing already does.) Remember, this is not a picture book. In fanfiction, you assume that your reader can gather enough information to form a mental image just through how you describe things in words. If they can't form the mental image you want, then most likely, it's actually a problem on your end. So, images aren't necessary.

(Also, you're stealing bandwidth by linking directly to the image on someone else's server, rather than save the image and upload to your own/Photobucket/Image Shack anyway. To paraphrase a website on why this is bad, imagine that you've plugged in your TV into someone else's outlet. You're watching your TV, but that other guy is paying for the electricity you're using. And if they don't because they don't know you're using that extra electricity, the electric company comes along and shuts off the electricity, so you both lose. Ergo, please don't use images in your fanfiction, especially hotlinked ones.)

Second, frankly, you blew off a number of my comments about basic grammar anyway. =/ The entire I thing, for example, returns repeatedly throughout both chapters, and commas could use work. (That's in addition to problems with apostrophes and a few other grammatical glitches.) What you're conveying right now is that you haven't really put as much effort as you really should as an author (because of a lack of proofreading, by yourself or through a beta), so the reader is less inclined to want to sit down and read through your story because it seems rushed. In other words, a lack of an effort to really correct the grammatical errors I brought up before (aside from spell checking) just reflects badly on the story itself. (People really can't take a story seriously if it's littered with all kinds of errors.) That and grammatical errors make it harder to read the text. It's possible to read it, but it takes longer because our brains have to process things that aren't normal in text. You want to make things easier for the reader, so you'll want to proofread thoroughly or get a beta who can.

Also, yes, I've said before, OOC in fanfiction terms. RPG =/= fanfiction. I know what OOC and IC mean in RPG terms. I RPG as well. (Off-site, but yes.) However, you've got to realize that you're not in RPGs right now. There's different terminology, and sometimes, you'll have terms that might seem familiar to you but have different definitions when applied to fanfiction. My advice to you is to forget the RPG mindset and start settling in the fanfiction mindset because you really are looking at two different things, even if they seem alike on the surface.
Professional ninja. May or may not actually be back. Here for the snark and banter at most.

Need some light reading?
Anima Ex Machina (Chapter 20 now available)
The Leaf Green Incident (SWC 2012 winner)
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Male
Behind you.
Seen June 15th, 2012
Posted July 3rd, 2011
368 posts
14.9 Years
The images are off Google Images, if people host the images there they can expect them to be hotlinked to forums. Also, i think theres nothing wrong with posting an image so people don't have to close their eyes to try get an 'image in their head'.

Yeah, i understand i do have errors regarding grammar and spelling mistakes, but thats how most fanfictions are. Nobody is perfect on fanfictions on their first and second ones. This is my second fanfiction, my first was a complete failure.

I do re-read my work and I see nothing wrong with it at the time, but when I read it after a small amount of time I realise that i do minor things such as capitalisation errors. I sometimes put "I" reffering to me as "i" which is wrong, but i am trying to deal with this problem and others.

If you achually point out whats wrong in the errors then maybe i can correct them and do something in the future, all you are doing atm is constantly repeating the same thing. You keep saying get a beta and do not post images or ill lag someone who i don't even know.

Yeah, i don't care if someone is paying extra money because i'm hosting a few images. Please post my grammar errors.
It is impossible to bob your head back and forth with your mouth open.
Age 30
Female
The Milky Way
Seen October 22nd, 2013
Posted December 19th, 2012
929 posts
14.6 Years
I like the concepts behind this Fanfic, Joe.

As for you, Xanthine.. You could at least be a little more polite about it.
Sure, there are a few errors in the fanfic, but you don't have to construct a 3-paragraph long argument for every grammatical error. If you want to outline errors, all you have to do is type out the error and correct it to what it should be.

Post Office Buddy

Trapped inside this Octavarium

Age 33
Male
Michigan (The land of the ice and snow)
Seen February 6th, 2019
Posted May 30th, 2010
475 posts
15.2 Years
The images are off Google Images, if people host the images there they can expect them to be hotlinked to forums. Also, i think theres nothing wrong with posting an image so people don't have to close their eyes to try get an 'image in their head'.
People generally don't 'close' their eyes to imagine the Pokemon. Actually, the images interrupt the flow of the story. It gives the reader one more task to do before continuing on to the next paragraph. I find that rather annoying.

Yeah, i understand i do have errors regarding grammar and spelling mistakes, but thats how most fanfictions are. Nobody is perfect on fanfictions on their first and second ones. This is my second fanfiction, my first was a complete failure.
True, but you should be able to proofread several of these errors out or use external sources to help you fix them. There are websites out there that will do free spell checks and whatnot for you. Plus, you can always download OpenOffice, which has a word processor similar to Microsoft Word. The best part about OpenOffice is that it's free, so you don't have to worry about purchasing a product key. I myself use OpenOffice because Microsoft Office didn't come stock on my computer/OS >.<

I do re-read my work and I see nothing wrong with it at the time, but when I read it after a small amount of time I realise that i do minor things such as capitalisation errors. I sometimes put "I" reffering to me as "i" which is wrong, but i am trying to deal with this problem and others.
You should be waiting a full day before looking over your fiction anyway. You're not going to find all of your errors right after you finish writing it. I'm not exactly sure why this is, but I am confident that Xanthine can better explain this phenomena than I can anyway. Also, if you were using a word processing program, you wouldn't have to search for capitalization errors or those other minor errors.

If you achually point out whats wrong in the errors then maybe i can correct them and do something in the future, all you are doing atm is constantly repeating the same thing. You keep saying get a beta and do not post images or ill lag someone who i don't even know.
He did point out your grammar errors in the first post he made. You just choose to ignore them.

Yeah, i don't care if someone is paying extra money because i'm hosting a few images.
How would you feel if you were posting images online and had to pay extra money because someone else was hotlinking to them? You already said that you don't have enough money for a Microsoft Office, so I doubt you would like very much to lose any nonexistent money for someone elses carelessness.

As for you, Xanthine.. You could at least be a little more polite about it.
Sure, there are a few errors in the fanfic, but you don't have to construct a 3-paragraph long argument for every grammatical error. If you want to outline errors, all you have to do is type out the error and correct it to what it should be.
She was being polite about it. The problem was that the same errors were being made in subsequent chapters. Also, sometimes a few paragraphs is necessary to help the writer understand what was wrong with what they wrote as well as how to fix it.

@Kozoi - I think the fanfic has an okay start, but the grammatical errors do interfere with the enjoyment I get from it. I would also do a full review right now, but I only had enough time to type up this reply. I will review the second chapter later since Xanthine has already done so for the first chapter, and she leaves me with absolutely nothing left to correct. So I would expect the full review to be out around ten or eleven, depending on the time I get out of work.

EDIT: I'm afraid I won't be doing the full review. The author's reaction to reviews is turning me off, and I do not want the same hostility that has been aimed towards Xanthine to be against me. If the author begins taking reviews better, than I shall change my stance.
I am returning once again (hopefully for good). I will be updating Affliction regularly and reviewing other people's fics every so often. If you would like to request a review, then please send me a PM.

My FFC entry for April 2008: My Endless Loneliness
My Discontinued, Chaptered FanFiction: The Fall of Light
My current chaptered FanFiction: Affliction
My Parody of Pure Awesomeness (requires some context to fully appreciate): Sir. Aaron - A Parody
Age 36
Seen 15 Hours Ago
Posted 2 Days Ago
I am very very very amused. Thank you all. :D

And now I'm going to mention a few things, because I have the power to make people listen.

Types of Rp:

Regular text is used in all OOC comments.
Italic text is used in all IC scenes.
Bold text is used during headers, titles and important notices.
Underlined text is used in all titles.
Say it with me! "Roleplay does not equal fanfiction!"

Fonts for fanfiction:

Regular text is used for normal narration
Italics is used to emphasize words

The entire chapter being written in italics is an annoying thing. I'll say it right now, because fonts are SRS BIZNES!: I have horrible eyes when it comes to reading a lot of text on the screen. Having the main bulk of the text be normal helps me with this. Having the main bulk of the text be italics does not. Which is why I say "No formatting the bulk of the chapter in a random font." Lots and lots of italics breaks this rule. Unless your emphasizing the entire chapter.

Yeah, i understand i do have errors regarding grammar and spelling mistakes, but thats how most fanfictions are. Nobody is perfect on fanfictions on their first and second ones. This is my second fanfiction, my first was a complete failure. Nobody is perfect on fanfictions on their first and second ones. This is my second fanfiction, my first was a complete failure.
No. Nobody is completely one-hundred-percent perfect with their first fanfiction. But you listen to reviews that you get that give you good advice, and you apply what you think will help you improve to your next work, and you go on from there. You don't do...this. =/

As for that first sentence... D: Please tell me you didn't.

So does that mean that we can all just forget about the rules of grammar/spelling because "most fanfictions" do that? I would bring up the jumping off a bridge example, but that's been beaten to death already.

The images are off Google Images, if people host the images there they can expect them to be hotlinked to forums. Also, i think theres nothing wrong with posting an image so people don't have to close their eyes to try get an 'image in their head'.
So...Pokemon Elite 2000 has a sprite resource for the people to look at. I want one of their sprites as an avatar. I save it to my own computer and then upload it to a photo-sharing website so I don't steal PE2K's bandwidth so they don't close down.

Stealing bandwidth is a no-no. And yes, bandwidth actually is serious business. You're stealing. That's immoral. It's wrong. Don't do it.

Besides, this is Pokemon fanfiction. I don't need a bouncing picture of a Fearow smacking me in the face with a stick of ugly because I know what a Fearow looks like.

And yeah, random dancing Fearow in the middle of narration is kind of annoying.

I do re-read my work and I see nothing wrong with it at the time, but when I read it after a small amount of time I realise that i do minor things such as capitalisation errors. I sometimes put "I" reffering to me as "i" which is wrong, but i am trying to deal with this problem and others.
You're supposed to have time between finishing the chapter and then rereading it over to find errors. The time between puts you in a fresh state of mind, so that you don't really think that the chapter is yours, so you can look at it with a more critical eye and find the errors a reviewer would. This is why reviewers say "Take the time to proof-read your chapter before posting it."

This is also why it was recommended to you to get a beta reader. We have a beta finder thread here, where you can ask for someone else to read over your chapter to point out the errors and explain it to you before you actually post the chapter so you can improve. If you want to improve your English over all, this would be a good option for you because you would have a teacher.

If you achually point out whats wrong in the errors then maybe i can correct them and do something in the future, all you are doing atm is constantly repeating the same thing. You keep saying get a beta and do not post images or ill lag someone who i don't even know.
1.) Xanthine did point out your errors and gave you a link to a page that would help you learn if you take the time to look at it and apply it while writing.

2.) She's repeating the same thing because you're, honestly, not getting it. People are going to keep telling you "improve grammar/stop stealing/this is fanfiction, not roleplay" until you actually improve grammar/stop stealing/realize that fanfiction =/= roleplay.

3.) We're telling you to get a beta because it would help you. Getting a beta reader won't kill you. It would actually help you improve. =/

4.) You know me now. Your images lag me. Hi. And yes, no stealing images. It's naughty.

I would review. I'd love to! Not really. :D But, honestly, looking over the review Xanthine gave you, I would really just be repeating the same things she said, and what is mentioned on the site she linked you to.

So, yes. Please get a beta reader. Take more time on your chapters. Listen to reviews. Listen to what people tell you.

As for you, Xanthine.. You could at least be a little more polite about it.
Sure, there are a few errors in the fanfic, but you don't have to construct a 3-paragraph long argument for every grammatical error. If you want to outline errors, all you have to do is type out the error and correct it to what it should be.
...

please let there be wank, please let there be wank, please let there be wank...
Male
Behind you.
Seen June 15th, 2012
Posted July 3rd, 2011
368 posts
14.9 Years
People generally don't 'close' their eyes to imagine the Pokemon. Actually, the images interrupt the flow of the story. It gives the reader one more task to do before continuing on to the next paragraph. I find that rather annoying.


True, but you should be able to proofread several of these errors out or use external sources to help you fix them. There are websites out there that will do free spell checks and whatnot for you. Plus, you can always download OpenOffice, which has a word processor similar to Microsoft Word. The best part about OpenOffice is that it's free, so you don't have to worry about purchasing a product key. I myself use OpenOffice because Microsoft Office didn't come stock on my computer/OS >.<


You should be waiting a full day before looking over your fiction anyway. You're not going to find all of your errors right after you finish writing it. I'm not exactly sure why this is, but I am confident that Xanthine can better explain this phenomena than I can anyway. Also, if you were using a word processing program, you wouldn't have to search for capitalization errors or those other minor errors.


He did point out your grammar errors in the first post he made. You just choose to ignore them.


How would you feel if you were posting images online and had to pay extra money because someone else was hotlinking to them? You already said that you don't have enough money for a Microsoft Office, so I doubt you would like very much to lose any nonexistent money for someone elses carelessness.


She was being polite about it. The problem was that the same errors were being made in subsequent chapters. Also, sometimes a few paragraphs is necessary to help the writer understand what was wrong with what they wrote as well as how to fix it.

@Kozoi - I think the fanfic has an okay start, but the grammatical errors do interfere with the enjoyment I get from it. I would also do a full review right now, but I only had enough time to type up this reply. I will review the second chapter later since Xanthine has already done so for the first chapter, and she leaves me with absolutely nothing left to correct. So I would expect the full review to be out around ten or eleven, depending on the time I get out of work.
I don't really think its good that im recieving profile comments from her stating the exact same things she stated in her post. I did not ignore her, I used her spell checker and then realised how badly it sucked since you had to select every single word, but I did it anyway.

Its slightly really annoying when your always being told the same thing by the same person but not being told whats wrong with it.

"OH NOEZ THER R PICTURZ LOL."

No more arguments over pictures, i do not plan on editing my style over this little chat which has been going on like 5-10 posts. And whoever gave my thread a 1 star rating is a complete idiot.

That is all.
It is impossible to bob your head back and forth with your mouth open.

JX Valentine

Your aquatic overlord

Female
Harassing Bill
Seen August 19th, 2020
Posted December 8th, 2012
3,276 posts
19 Years
The images are off Google Images, if people host the images there they can expect them to be hotlinked to forums.
Uh, no. That doesn't make it okay. But since you're adamant about keeping them, let's go off the bandwidth argument and simply say that POB's right about how it's jarring and interruptive of the narration. As in, it feels like we're getting smacked in the face with the image. Not to mention it's fairly redundant, considering you're already describing the Pokemon anyway.

Also, i think theres nothing wrong with posting an image so people don't have to close their eyes to try get an 'image in their head'.
There is. It means your narration is weak, and it presents the problems that POB brought up.

What I don't understand is that you come here with the intention of wanting to improve your writing style, yet you don't actually want to conform to writing standards. =/ I don't know what you do in your RPGs, but what you do there can't be done here. You just can't use images because they disrupt the flow of narration and imply that your narration can't stand up on its own.

Yeah, i understand i do have errors regarding grammar and spelling mistakes, but thats how most fanfictions are.
That doesn't make it right either. People who want to improve their writing go through additional stages on top of actually writing the story -- namely, the proofreading stage. If you want to get better, it's one of those things you have to be conscious about.

Likewise, I'm not asking for perfection, really. I'm just saying that if you want people to take your work seriously and have an easier time reading what you're writing, you'll want to remove as many errors as possible. Not to mention I get the feeling you're not as open to C+C as you say you are because you basically blew off what I had to say to begin with.

Nobody is perfect on fanfictions on their first and second ones.
Hence the concept of improving. Don't use "this is my first/second time" as an excuse. Rather, use it as an opportunity to improve by learning from the mistakes you're making while writing it and correcting them in future chapters. The problem here is that you assume that the entirety of your second fic can be inferior to what you can potentially do because it's your second fic. In actuality, you might have an inferior first couple of chapters, but it's assumed that you'll learn from the reviews people give you in past chapters and correct them as you go. It's not assumed that you'll simply repeat the errors over and over again.

I do re-read my work and I see nothing wrong with it at the time,
In that case, as I've said again and again:

1. Save your work offline, via a word processor. (I gave you a link to Open Office via VM.) Once you're done with a chapter, let it cool down for twenty four hours, and then go back to read it one more time. The problem with reading it right after you finish it is that you're often affected by author's bias, so you don't actually see the errors you make. Letting it "cool" for twenty-four hours helps you get rid of that bias and see your work objectively.
1a. For this reason, no, you can't type in the reply box.

2. Get a beta. There's a sticky for that in Writer's Lounge (the subforum to this forum). Send them your work, and they'll proofread it for you and help you work out mistakes before you post.

If you achually point out whats wrong in the errors then maybe i can correct them and do something in the future,
Actually, I did. *motions to my first review, complete with a link to a guide where you can learn more about each mark of punctuation and general problem you had and a test you could perform to prevent run-ons and comma abuse* Most of the points I've made are general and words of advice. It's not my job as a reviewer to proofread your work after you post it. It's your job as a writer to read my review, figure out what I'm trying to tell you (on a general basis -- like the pronoun I needs to always be capitalized), and proofread your own work.

Besides, what does it matter, considering you've already stated earlier in this post that everyone's first and second fanfics are allowed to have grammatical errors anyway? I mean, do you want me to post your grammatical errors or not?

As for you, Xanthine.. You could at least be a little more polite about it.
Sure, there are a few errors in the fanfic, but you don't have to construct a 3-paragraph long argument for every grammatical error. If you want to outline errors, all you have to do is type out the error and correct it to what it should be.
So... basically do the author's work for them. Gotcha.

Seriously, no. I was polite and general in my first review. Kazoi blew me off. And no, I'm not going to just point out errors and not explain in-depth what's wrong with it. Why? Because that's bad reviewing.

I don't really think its good that im recieving profile comments from her stating the exact same things she stated in her post.
That I apologize for, but...

I did not ignore her,
Considering you made the same kinds of mistakes you made in your first chapter after I told you what were errors and why they were errors in my first review?

but not being told whats wrong with it.
I am. Go back to my first review and read my comments on your grammar carefully. You keep tl;dr'ing my posts and assuming that I'm just talking about one or two things. Or you simply keep bringing up one or two things, rather than actually addressing the other issues I'm bringing up to you.


In general, I'm more turned off by this response, to be honest. You say you want me to show you your grammatical errors, yet you also say you don't like it when I'm thorough. You say you want to improve, yet when people tell you that this, that, and the other thing aren't standards of fanfiction, you come off defensive or keep repeating errors that were pointed out to you in the first reviews you've gotten. (I've checked your other threads too. Yes, people were telling you pretty much the same thing.) That kind of response is a bit difficult to deal with, so until I figure out which way you actually stand, no, I'm afraid I won't be able to review any further. =/
Professional ninja. May or may not actually be back. Here for the snark and banter at most.

Need some light reading?
Anima Ex Machina (Chapter 20 now available)
The Leaf Green Incident (SWC 2012 winner)
Braid (Creepypasta apparently)
Domain | Dreamwidth | Twitter
Male
Behind you.
Seen June 15th, 2012
Posted July 3rd, 2011
368 posts
14.9 Years

...

please let there be wank, please let there be wank, please let there be wank...
Uhh... Okay.

Images will be removed, text will be made regular and i will use Italic text in the Pokédex entries.

I will still be using images in the profile though, and i don't think your say should be more than other viewers such as Xanthine and Jack since everyone has an equal opinion, you said your a moderator so i had to listen but thats wrong completely. Just whoring your powers.

Images removed, Italics removed. (Will do it later)

Also, Xanthine i did use your spell checker but i CANNOT download programs on this PC without permission. This means that i can't download that program until i have permission so there will be no OpenOffice for now.

No more spamming my thread now repeating the same things constantly. I dont get this on other forums so why should I get it here?
It is impossible to bob your head back and forth with your mouth open.
Age 32
Finland
Seen January 27th, 2013
Posted January 28th, 2012
642 posts
14.8 Years
Uh-huh. There has to be at least one author a month who gets offended from Xanthine's help. I can see where that comes from, but seriously, she means only good. She's the most awesomestest reviewer I've ever seen, but I really can see how she might offend people... Well, just try to laugh at your mistakes.

But that's not why I posted.

I think there can be pictures in fics, but there are at least three conditions for this:

1) In my opinion, the pic has to be either before the chapter or after it. No pics in the middle of narration. I didn't come here early enough to see where your pic was, so I wouldn't know if you did it right or not. I'd prefer a pic after the fic, because if it's placed before the story, people will most likely judge before they even read.

2) The pic has to have somewhat significant meaning to the story. It might be a picture of the protagonist or some other important character, it might be the world map of the place the story happens in, it might be an illustration about a certain scene in the story... A trivial picture will only be trivial. Some people like that, but I don't.

3) The pic has to be either made by you or you have to have a permission to show it. You can't just go hunting around the internet and catch yourself a nice pic. Draw it yourself or ask permission. I'm not going to say anything about bandwith stealing, because the others already covered that.

So, if you want to go on having pics in your fig, you should do that. Just don't put meaningless and illegal pics, okay? I'm sure you can find some good fanart, for example, if you really want to have those pics. Ask the artist. Why would they decline if you promise to credit them?

Also, I can really recommend Open Office. If you just can get a permission, I suggest you download it. I usually write either with OO or with Windows Word Pad (you know, the free, basic program you get with Windows) and always save in rich text format (rtf) because it works better. I like keeping it simple. So, if you get a permission, get yourself Open Office.

On another note: After all this mayhem in this thread, people will find it hard to focus on your fic. I suggest you may want to start over, revise your fic with all the corrections and other things mentioned here and have a new, better, cleaner fic. That's what I would do, anyway.

Anyway, good luck with your fic. It seems good to me, not exactly very earth-shattering yet, but it obviously has potential. Your story has some interesting points. You have a good narration, but maybe a tad too much of your chapters are dialogue. I'm going to stop by and read in the future, too, so keep up the good work.

Just please stop being mad at the people who try to help you. At this point the conversation has gone a bit over the limits, but that's because everyone kept on getting provoked. Don't provoke Astinus. You don't want to make her mad. So, even if Xanthine (and everyone else, for the matter) annoyed the heck out of you, be patient. She's here to help, and she knows what she's talking about. So do POB and Astinus. You should listen to them. That's what I do, and Xanthine practically taught me how to use commas in English.

Fanfiction:Mama's Boy|World Saviour Sora-chan (parody)|
One shots: The Elevator|Once in a Forest Fire|

I'm currently more reachable at The BBS.
You should come, too. We have cookies. No, seriously!
Male
Behind you.
Seen June 15th, 2012
Posted July 3rd, 2011
368 posts
14.9 Years
Request: Can someone delete this fanfic completely?

I'm going to start over from scratch and yes, i have permission to download the program now and i will not be using pictures in my next fanfiction since everyones cramming 3-5 paragraphs down my throat whenever i post a chapter describing why stealing bandwith is wrong and describing why i shouldnt use images.

This threads been pretty much destroyed by all the spam people posting.
It is impossible to bob your head back and forth with your mouth open.