Winds of a start

Started by Frostweaver August 28th, 2004 5:51 AM
  • 472 views
  • 3 replies

Frostweaver

Ancient + Prehistoric

Age 34
Male
Canada
Seen September 11th, 2016
Posted July 30th, 2016
8,246 posts
19.7 Years
-better than the script chain stories, but there's still a heavy amount of unneeded dialogues... too many of them are always boring

-try to insert a space between all paragraphs

-eww another OT fic with the most predictable professor beginning... it'll be awfully tough for you to make your story standout

-very awkward scene... in terms of how Gina joins Katherine. It's like
"Hi! I don't know you!"
"I don't know you either!"
"Since I don't know you, can I join you?"
"Sure!"
Really lacking transition there...

-I personally don't like "great info rush" like here in this chapter... you could've possibly saved some of the info for later chapters, spreading them out a bit.

Frostweaver

Ancient + Prehistoric

Age 34
Male
Canada
Seen September 11th, 2016
Posted July 30th, 2016
8,246 posts
19.7 Years
Why do I love constructive criticism? XD
Who said it was going to end up at going to the Professor? It's not going to be a jolly run down the hill to the next town you know...
And I believe it can't do a space in a paragraph, but that's what I get for copying directly from Microsoft Word... Ya better not be skim reading.
Say that to every one else who writes at PC, and see how their fanfic turns out. Do note that I don't mean indent but something like

(blah blah blah)
<paragraph blank space>
(blah blah blah)

That's what's lacking... really hard to read without those lines. I didn't say in front of paragraphs, but between. =)
Bittertown
Seen September 2nd, 2009
Posted December 28th, 2008
7,901 posts
19.7 Years
And I believe it can't do a space in a paragraph, but that's what I get for copying directly from Microsoft Word... Ya better not be skim reading.
A paragraph space on word? Easy. Just press enter twice. ^^
I do it in my fanfic all the time...

Pocket Monsters Special!

Mr Cat Dog

Frasier says it best

Age 32
Male
London, UK
Seen September 29th, 2017
Posted July 12th, 2017
11,344 posts
19.1 Years
By indent, we mean pressing "Enter" twice. Many of the points I was going to say were covered by frosty, but I'll still have a shot at some constructive criticism seeing how you like it so much. :D

First thing: What the **** do these people look like?! Sorry, but you gave absolutely zilch description of the people themselves, and saved it all for the scenery (which you did quite well). For all I knew, they were just blobs of nothingness waiting to be moulded into human beings.

Second thing: There does seem to be a **** of a lot of dialogue. The fic should be balanced between description and dialogue, but speech does seem to take up the majority of this fic - and that worries me a bit.

Well, now for your good points:

It's definitely better than your chain stories, since it actually features description and gives the readers an understanding of what they're reading.

The flow of the story is quite good, and if you could improve on the length, and shorten the speech a bit, then it could work well with the storyline so far.

On the whole, it does seem extremely predictable, but you'll probably change it... so... meh. Keep it up I suppose :D.