The Journey

Started by Konekodemon December 28th, 2008 1:46 AM
  • 1527 views
  • 23 replies

Konekodemon

The Master of Pokemon Breeding

Age 38
Female
NC
Seen August 21st, 2022
Posted February 14th, 2022
2,061 posts
16.1 Years
Staring: Ash, Gary, Kairi and Sora.

Rating: K+

Info: Hey all this is my AU fanfic of Ash(Red), Gary(Blue) and Kairi(Green)'s journey. My character Kairi is not an OC she is Green from the games and manga. You know how Ash and Gary are based on Red and Blue, but are made to be kinda different on the show, well that's Kairi, she is based on Green but made to be different for if they ever did have her on the show. I used the name Kairi cause I don't know what Green's name is supposed to be on the show, cause they never show her. Yet you know she's there as Professor Oak gave away 4 Pokemon. So you know Green had to be one of those Trainers. I will also be making up a OC as there was a fourth trainer that wasn't mentioned either. His name will be Sora. Sorry, I'm using Kingdom Hearts names again, but a lot of animes use the same names, like Cardcaptor Sakura the main character's name is Sakura but on Naruto there is also a girl called Sakura, but no one ever talks about Naruto saying that Sakura's name is a Cardcaptor Sakura name, so don't be saying my character names are Kingdom Hearts names, there not there just the same names. Also I did not copy this idea from Pikalover10 this is more based on the manga then the show. Well it is based on the show some but more the manga. I will be changing back and fourth from character to character with each chapter, I will put the character's name at the top so that you know which character that chapter will be about. They will all be together on the first part though. Anyway onto the fic.


Cards:






Prologue
Pokemon, I choose you!

Ash

Ash was excited. Today had been his tenth Birthday. So tomorrow he'd set out on his Pokemon journey,'Yes! I am Ash!' He thought,'And now that I'm ten I can finally get my Pokemon license. I can't wait!'

Ash turned on the TV, to the Pokemon fight Channel. It showed a Gengar facing a Nidorino. The Nidorino had fainted. The Nidorino's trainer recalled it and sent out Onix to fight,"Come on Onix! You can do it!" Ash cheered,'But you'll never be better then what I'm going to be starting tomorrow. Yes, I will journey to gain the wisdom of Pokemon training and I hearby declare to the Pokemon world...' Ash picked up his Voltrob clock,'I will be a Pokemon Master! Pokemon Master! That is what I....'

Ash got interuted from his thoughts,"Ash! Get to bed!" His mother called from the doorway. Ash's alarm clock flew from his hand into Delia's,"It's 11:00 and you should be asleep!" Delia told her son.

"But tomorrow I begin my Pokemon journey. I can't sleep," Ash wined.

"Well, if you can't sleep you should at least get ready for tomorrow. Here watch this," Delia said grabbing Ash's remote and changing his TV channel, to the Pallet Town Pokemon News.

Prof. Oak's face appeared on screen,"Good evening Pallet. Tomorrow's the big day for the newest class of Pokemon students. I'd like to introduce you to Bulbasaur..." the screen showed a green looking Pokemon with a bulb on it's back,"Charmander...." It then showed a orange looking lizard with it's tail on fire,"...and Squirtle..." the picture showed a blue looking turtle type Pokemon,"Each one is available for new trainees. Which one will you choose?" Prof Oak explained.

Delia peeked back around the corner,"Go to bed when this is done," she told him.

"Alright! I'm going!" Ash said paying more attention to the TV instead of his mother.

"And change into your Pajamas ok," Delia called, as she went off to get ready for bed herself.

Ash just sit there thinking,'I'm going!'


Kairi

Kairi was watching the same thing that Ash was watching at this very momment,"I can't wait!" She said excited,"Tomorrow's going to be so fun." Unlike Ash's mother though, Kairi's was already in bed sleeping. Kairi too excited to sleep so she cut off the TV and took out a Pokemon PC game. She put it in her Computer and started playing it.

"Come on! Come on! Come on!" She said, as her Pokemon, a Lapres was fighting with a Venasaur. On the game she had gotten to the Pokemon league and was fighting the league champion.

She fought but lost,"Oh! Not again!" Kairi wined. She always kept on loseing to this guy,"Your not taking me down that easy! Tonight I'm going to win!" She said as she continued playing the game. She didn't notice the time. She stayed up until midnight playing that game. She fell to sleep in front of the computer.

Sora

Sora woke up bright and early the next day,"Today's the day!" He said, jumping out of bed. He got his bath things and went into the bathroom, and took his bath. He then got out and changed into his clothes a black tee and blue jeans. He then brushed though his short brown hair. He never liked his bangs though. No matter what he did with them they were always in his face.

Sora then brushed his teeth. He went downstairs for breakfast,"Good morning mom," he said as he entered the kitchen.

"Good morning dear," said his mother, as she was at the stove fixing breakfast. It was bacon and eggs with cheese in the eggs. She brought over a plate to Sora,"Eat up sweety. You got a big day ahead of you today."

Sora grabbed a fork, and started eating.

"By the way," his mother said as she sit down next to him at the table,"Which Pokemon are you going to pick?"

"I thought about it since last night. I think maybe Bulbasaur's more my type," Sora said as he ate. He finished up his food and grabbed his bag and headed out the door,"Bye mom, I'll see you whenever I get back." Sora didn't know how long this journey would take him, that's why he had told her whenever, cause he didn't know how long he'd be away.

Anyway all this was on Sora's mind as he walked down to Professor Oak's lab.

Once he got there he knocked on the door. Prof. Oak appeared in the open doorway,"Hey Sora. Your kinda early," he said,"None of the other trainers are here yet."

"Yea Professor. I figured I'd get an early start on my journey. So can I go ahead and pick out my Pokemon?"

"Sure. Come on in Sora," Prof. Oak said inviting Sora inside. Sora went up to the three PokeBalls on the table. They had names written on them. One said,'Bulbasaur.' Another said,'Charmander.' And the last one said,'Squirtle.'

Sora picked up Bulbasaur's ball right away,"Professor can I have Bulbasaur?" He asked him.

"Yes. Good choice Sora. Bulbasaur does seem like your type. Here is your Pokedex and 5 PokeBalls to start you off, Sora. Your Pokedex is your ID. Don't lose it, as it can't be replaced. The PokeBalls are for catching new Pokemon. You may carry up to six with you. But that's it. Catch more and the rest will be sent to my lab here. But you can still use them anytime," Prof. Oak explained all this to Sora.

Sora was listening very carefully to what Prof. Oak had to say,"Ok. Thanks for the advice Professor. I'll see you later. Bye!" Sora called as he left the lab, and started to head out to Route 1.

Gary

Gary woke up that morning and did the same things that Sora did, getting ready to get his first Pokemon. He had already decided on Squirtle. He didn't know what Pokemon Ash would be getting, and he didn't really care anyway.

He went downstairs, to find Daisy eating breakfast,"Hey sis. Grandpa already at the lab?" He asked her as he sit down to get a bite of toast and some cereal.

"Yes he left a few hours ago," Daisy told her big brother.

"Ok," Gary said. He ate his food and went down to the lab. Not even knocking first he opened the doors and walked inside,"Hey Gramps! I'm here for my first Pokemon!" He called.

"Don't be so rude Gary. The Pokemon are all right here. I have only Charmander and Squirtle left," Prof. Oak explained.

"Find," Gary said picking up Squirtle's ball and grabbing a Pokedex and five PokeBalls before Prof. Oak could even offer them to him.

"Want me to explain how to use those?" He asked his grandson.

"I don't need your advice Grandpa. I know how to use a simple Pokedex and PokeBalls," he told him, as he walked out of the lab. Prof. Oak had this confused look on his face,"Well what do you know. He's in kinda a hurry to get going. That's my grandson."

As Gary walked out of the lab, a car pulled up with his fangirls in it saying,"Gary! Gary! He's our man! If he can't do it no one can!"

"Thank you, fangirls!" Gary called, as he walked down the stairs. There were also a lot of people holding up signs and cheering Gary.

Ash, Kairi and Gary

Ash woke up kinda late this morning,"Oh no! What time is it!" He said noticing his clock was broken,"I better go see if Kairi's up." He ran outside in his Pajamas down the road to Kairi's house. He knocked on the door. Kairi's mother answered the door,"Well if it isn't Ash Ketchum. Come on in Ash. Kairi's still asleep. But I'll go wake her.

Ash came inside and sit on the couch in the living room as he waited for Kairi.

Kairi's mother knocked on her daughter's door,"Kairi dear. You awake?" She asked as she opened the door and went inside. Kairi was fast asleep. Her head laiding on her keyboard of her computer. The computer was still on.

Kairi's mother cut the Computer off and shoke Kairi,"Kairi wake up dear."

Kairi jumped awake,"Oh mom!" she said,"What time is it?"

"It's after 9:00," she said,"Ash Ketchum is waiting for you downstairs. You better hurry up. You and Ash are already very late."

Kairi ran downstairs in her nightgrown,"Let's hurry Ash!" She said as she pulled Ash out the door and down the road to Prof. Oak's lab.

Once they got there they heard people saying,"Gary! Gary! He's our man! If he can't do it no one can!"

"Hey excuse us!" Ash said as he was being pulled through the crowd of people by Kairi,"Sorry," Kairi said as she and Ash bumped into someone. They both then got knocked down by Gary.

"Hey! Watch where your going..." Gary started to say but noticed that it was Ash and Kairi,"Well if it isn't Ashy-boy and Kairi Hill."

"Gary?" Ash said as he got up. Gary helped Kairi to her feet. Kairi was thinking,'Wow! It's Gary Oak. He's a hotie!' Kairi had stars in her eyes, and was blushing from head to foot.

"It's mister Gary to you. Show some repect Ash," Gary said.

"Yea, Ash! Show some repect!" Kairi told him.

"But you bumped into him too!" Ash conplained.

But Kairi wasn't listening. All her attention was on Gary,"I'm sorry we bumped into you Gary," she told him.

"That's ok," Gary said,"Kairi right. You may call me Gary."

Ash thought that wasn't very fair. Kairi was getting special treatment by Gary. Gary turned to Ash,"Well, you two snore you lost. Your both very behind. I already got my Pokemon and you don't."

"You got your first Pokemon?" Ash asked.

"That's right loser. And it's right inside this PokeBall," Gary said spining Squirtle's ball in front of Ash's face.

His fangirls started screaming,"Let's go Gary! Let's go! Gary! Gary! Let's go Gary! Let's go! Gary! Gary!"

"Thank you fans. I promise that I will become a Pokemon Master and make the Town of Pallet known all around the world!" Gary called out. His fangirls scream,"Yey!"

"Excuse me," Ash said tapping Gary on the shoulder.

Gary turned around,"Yea?" He asked Ash.

"I was just wondering if you could tell me what kind of Pokemon you got?" Ash asked.

"None of your business. If you two had showed up on time, you would of seen that I got the best Pokemon from Prof. Oak. It's good to have your grandpa in the Pokemon business isn't it?"

Kairi was kinda disappointed. She wanted to know what Pokemon Gary got herself. Gary saw her disappointed face and whispered in her ear,"Don't tell Ash, but it's Squirtle."

"Ok," Kairi whispered back.

Gary then got in his car,"Thank you all for coming out to see history in the making. Now I, Gary Oak am off to learn the ways of the Pokemon Trainer!" His car pulled away with all his fangirls following.

Kairi watched him leave with this impressed look on her face. Ash was thinking,'I'll show you!'

Prof. Oak then appeared around the corner,"So, Kairi and Ash. You two decided to show up after all."

Ash jumped,"Oh, Professor Oak. Where's my Pokemon?"

Kairi ran over,"And mine too Professor!"

"Your Pokemon?" He asked the two of them, looking them both up and down.

"Were both ready Professor," Kairi said, getting excited.

"You both look like your ready for bed. Not for Pokemon Training," he told them,"I hope that your not going to train in your nightclothes."

"Oh, no Professor. We both got messed up this morning. We were a little late. But believe me were both ready for our Pokemon!" Ash explained.

Professor Oak took them both into the lab. Ash got to go first,"I thought about it a lot and it took me a long time, but I finally decided to choose Squirtle," Ash said picking up Squirtle's ball. There was nothing inside.

'Duh! Gary took it,' Kairi thought, rolling her eyes.

"Already taken, Ash. By someone who was on time," the Prof. told Ash.

"Awww. I really wanted this one too. Fine then I choose Bulbasaur!" Ash said opening up Bulbasaur's ball. It was gone as well.

"That one was also taken by a kid who was on time," Prof. Oak explained.

"Well that's no problem. Cause my Pokemon will be Charmander," Ash said as he opened up Charmander's ball. There was a bright flash of light as Charmander appeared before Ash saying,"Char! Char! Charmander, char!"

"Alright!" Ash cheered, as he petted Charmander on the head. Charmander grinned at Ash.

Kairi turned very pale,"Hey! What about my Pokemon?"

"I'm sorry Kairi that was the last one," The Prof. told her.

Ash pushed Charmander over to Kairi,"No Ash. You really wanted that one. You keep it."

"You sure?" Ash asked her.

"Yes Ash. It was my fault we were late. Go ahead. Take Charmander. I'll just wait a little longer for my Pokemon," Kairi told him.

Kairi sit down in the corner looking kinda sad as Prof. Oak gave Ash his Pokedex and five Pokemon and sent him on his way. Ash called Charmander back inside his ball and left.

Prof. Oak saw how disappointed Kairi was, so he walked over to her and sighed,"I shouldn't do this but there is still one left but you see there's a problem with it. I can't understand it at all."

"I don't care Prof., I'll take it!" Kairi told him.

"Ok, don't say I didn't try to warn you Kairi," he said pushing a button as a PokeBall with a picture of a lightning bolt on it appeared.

As soon as Kairi touched it, there was a bright light, as a yellow looking Pokemon with a lightning bolt tail appeared,"It's name is Pikachu," Prof. Oak told her.

"Awwww. It's so cute!" Kairi said reaching out to touch Pikachu.

"Wait don't!" Prof. Oak warned. Too late. Kairi touched Pikachu. Pikachu let loose with a Thundershock. Kairi and Prof. Oak screamed in pain,"Pikachu is an electric type Pokemon. See," He told her.

"Oh, I see," Kairi said.

"Shocking isn't it?" Prof. Oak asked.

"Sure is Professor?" Kairi answered blowing smoke from her month.

Prof. Oak gave her a Pokedex and five PokeBalls,"Here you are Kairi."

"Thank you...." She got ready to say when Pikachu shocked her again.

"Your welcome!" The Prof. said though all the shocks.

Kairi went outside with Pikachu everyone was cheering her on,"Ok Pikachu. Time to get back inside your ball."

Pikachu wouldn't listen. Kairi held Pikachu down, and threw all the shocks, she forced it back into it's PokeBall,"Chaaa!!" Pikachu screamed as he went back inside,'Pikachu? What is wrong with you?' Kairi wondered. Her first Pokemon had to be a Pokemon that hated her,'This could be a problem.'

.....To Be Continued

Note: I know Gary's sister's name is May but I decided to name her after the FireRed and Leaf Green games as there is already going to be a May in this later. The May from Hoenn. Anyway please R&R, and bee nice about it. I know I got some ICs out of character but some people are hard to get in character just right you know.

Please check out my InuYasha fanfiction and tell me what you think.
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Spinor

<i><font color="b1373f">The Lonely Physicist</font></i>

Age 26
Male
Seen February 13th, 2019
Posted October 4th, 2015
5,175 posts
17.3 Years
Umm.. Were did I see this before?

A few days ago?

A few years ago?

...Oh yeah, both.

By just skimming through it (again), I saw too many problems.

I did not like your description at all, basically because there was a Zip-load of Zero Description, Period.

Daisy is Gary's big sister, not little.

And I told you ORIGINALITY. Most of us don't want to see Sora in a Pokemon World. Can you imagine the chaos.

Ok, so Ash gets Charmander:

Originality: 1, Anti-Morality: 0

Kairi gets shocked by Pikachu

Originality: 1, Anti-Morality: 42

Sora is in there.

Anti-Pop-Culture Warrior sadness: 100

I am Blind, I don't know what the heck this looks like...

Description: Fail

No seriously, that color was bad for my theme

Some PC Member with a bright theme: Dead
Male
My house!
Seen November 16th, 2019
Posted December 15th, 2013
1,258 posts
14.8 Years
Konekodemon: First off change the colors back to default because I guess the mods don't like it. I had the same problem too because I did it in my fics but then someone in formed me. Anyway, you went to the next person, but like in Kairi to Sora's situation you changed it to the next day. Maybe you could add some more description like tell about them right before and it went very quick. Put more description into it tell how each character is dressed and what they look like.

I'll keep tabs on this story and can't wait for chapter 2:)

Credit to banner/avy PC Family

Konekodemon

The Master of Pokemon Breeding

Age 38
Female
NC
Seen August 21st, 2022
Posted February 14th, 2022
2,061 posts
16.1 Years
that isn't Sora and Kairi from Kingdom Hearts, there OCs can't you read I said no conments like that, ─AdvancedK9─

Please check out my InuYasha fanfiction and tell me what you think.
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Spinor

<i><font color="b1373f">The Lonely Physicist</font></i>

Age 26
Male
Seen February 13th, 2019
Posted October 4th, 2015
5,175 posts
17.3 Years
Sorry, I couldn't resist. You base off too many things. Your lack of originality is disturbing me. You should try to come up with names on your own next time.

And thank you for taking off those fugly colors.

Konekodemon

The Master of Pokemon Breeding

Age 38
Female
NC
Seen August 21st, 2022
Posted February 14th, 2022
2,061 posts
16.1 Years
all my names are going to be based on other things as I don't know japanese and normal english names wouldn't look good in a japanese anime, also it's going to take awhile for the next part to be posted as Pokecharms got rid of the character sprite I was using for Sora

Please check out my InuYasha fanfiction and tell me what you think.
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Spinor

<i><font color="b1373f">The Lonely Physicist</font></i>

Age 26
Male
Seen February 13th, 2019
Posted October 4th, 2015
5,175 posts
17.3 Years
So? Why do you need visual aids for the story?

All successful fanfics I've known NEVER used visual aids. The famous Advanceshipping one from CyberCubed from SPPF, I don't remember the name though, made it to the top of the best, and never used aids, only the description that is done by the most famous.

So I will ask you, if you want to reach for the top, why do you need visual aids?

Edit: The fic was called "Two of a Kind", now I remember XD.

Edit 2: I just saw Ash's Different journey and I LOVED the way you probably based some of this of that. Originality young cricket >:o.

Konekodemon

The Master of Pokemon Breeding

Age 38
Female
NC
Seen August 21st, 2022
Posted February 14th, 2022
2,061 posts
16.1 Years
I am having trouble writting the next chapter, no matter how I write it, it still keeps on sounding too much like what happened on the show

Please check out my InuYasha fanfiction and tell me what you think.
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Age 32
Wisconsin
Seen March 25th, 2009
Posted March 22nd, 2009
647 posts
14.4 Years
I am having trouble writting the next chapter, no matter how I write it, it still keeps on sounding too much like what happened on the show
well i didn't actually read it (if i do it'll be in a little while) but if you don't want it to sound like the show then make them go in a different direction... instead of going to vermilion, pewter, cerulean and eventually back to vermilion... go to cinnabar first. or somtin like that. but always remember to try and make up ur own twists to the story (for lack of a better wrd) by that i mean don't go to cinnabar and have them meet blaire he tells them a riddle, they go to his inn, they find the secret entrance blah blah blah... well u get wat i meen
Pokemon Special Rocks!

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Mission: Find the Source of the Madness!












Konekodemon

The Master of Pokemon Breeding

Age 38
Female
NC
Seen August 21st, 2022
Posted February 14th, 2022
2,061 posts
16.1 Years
I think my problem is I write out fics like a rpg would be written out

Please check out my InuYasha fanfiction and tell me what you think.
Sign up for the Tokyo Crate and get tons of Japanese Snacks delivered straight to your door monthly, mostly Pokemon snacks: http://fbuy.me/mc6Yk
Age 32
Wisconsin
Seen March 25th, 2009
Posted March 22nd, 2009
647 posts
14.4 Years
I think my problem is I write out fics like a rpg would be written out
? that sounds wierd... wat do u mean? like

pikachu uses thunderbolt it inflicts 100 damage...
Pokemon Special Rocks!

Check out my FanFiction:

Mission: Find the Source of the Madness!












Konekodemon

The Master of Pokemon Breeding

Age 38
Female
NC
Seen August 21st, 2022
Posted February 14th, 2022
2,061 posts
16.1 Years
that's why I'm switching between characters like that, is cause I'm writing it out like a rpg, I know I shouldn't but I can't help it, no matter what I do my writing style still always comes out as a RPG Writing Style

Please check out my InuYasha fanfiction and tell me what you think.
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Spinor

<i><font color="b1373f">The Lonely Physicist</font></i>

Age 26
Male
Seen February 13th, 2019
Posted October 4th, 2015
5,175 posts
17.3 Years
Then writing maybe isn't for you. Period.

A good writer has an imagination capable enough of changing the course of something dramatically, but the best writers have enough mental power to create a whole new world from nothing but scratch and brain.

A plain writer can at least type something that makes sense without wierd mixtures.

If you are actually going to do it in that RPG styling, you really can't have titulation of a "Writer". Just try your best, find solutions to complex things. Sometimes the most complex things can end up having an embarrassingly simple solution.
Age 32
Wisconsin
Seen March 25th, 2009
Posted March 22nd, 2009
647 posts
14.4 Years
Then writing maybe isn't for you. Period.
That's a little harsh dude. I'm not that good of a writer either but maybe you should look at it in a different spectrum. If she can write a story like it is a RPG then maybe she has a future in writing story boards for video games. Hell, maybe she can perfect her own original way of writing and make it an incredibly unique story that way... a story that is told as if it were an RPG. I know I like to get into the stories of my RPG's such as Tales of Vesperia and Skys of Arcadia.
Pokemon Special Rocks!

Check out my FanFiction:

Mission: Find the Source of the Madness!












Konekodemon

The Master of Pokemon Breeding

Age 38
Female
NC
Seen August 21st, 2022
Posted February 14th, 2022
2,061 posts
16.1 Years
Chapter 1

Pikachu! I Choose You!


Kairi




Kairi went back home before going out to Route 1. She had too change out of her nightgrown fight. She went inside still holding Pikachu's PokeBall in her hand. A little bit of staic was coming out of the PokeBall and it was shaking like mad. Pikachu was very angry and wanted out...NOW!

Kairi had to hold onto the PokeBall very tightly to keep, Pikachu from coming out. She went upstairs and to her bedroom. She tied Pikachu's PokeBall down onto the bed so he couldn't get out and run away.

Kairi got her clothes and went into her bathroom that was connected to her bedroom and took a shower. She was thinking the whole time while taking her shower, how she would ever get Pikachu to trust her.

Once she was done with her shower she got out and wrapped her towel around her body. She went over to her mirror that was up above her sink, and got out her hair dryer and blew her hair dry. She then brushed it. She then picked up her clothes and got dressed. She then brushed her teeth.

When she came out though, Pikachu's ball was open, and he was gone,"He must have broken though the cords," she decided. She hurried and packed her bag, and ran downstairs.

Pikachu was with her mother, sitting on her lap. Kairi's mother, was rubbing Pikachu's chin and he was smiling and purring with delight. Once he saw Kairi walk in though, he glared at her. Kairi dared not come any closer.

"What a cute Pokemon you got here honey. Did you get it from Prof. Oak?" Her mother asked her.

"Uh, yea. But Pikachu and I need to be going now," Kairi said walking towards Pikachu. He Thundershocked her again. Kairi fell over.

Pikachu jumped out of Kairi's mother's arms, jumped up at the door, turning the nob and opening it. Pikachu ran off.

Kairi got back up,"Pikachu! Come back!" She called after him,"Uh, gotta go mom." Kairi grabbed her bag and ran off after Pikachu.

"Awww. Isn't that so cute. There friends already," her mother said grinning as she watched her daughter run out the door after Pikachu.

Pikachu, ran all the way out to Route 1, where he finually thought he was safe. He saw an apple tree,"Cha!" Pikachu grinned with delight. He ran up the tree, picked off an apple and sit there eating it.

It was then that Kairi ran up,"What do you think your doing Pikachu? You just can't be running off on your own like that," Kairi sighed. Pikachu was getting to be quite a handful. Kairi wondered if maybe she should just give it up. Maybe she should just go back to the lab and return Pikachu to Professor Oak, and just wait a few more days to begin her journey when she could just get a Bulbasaur, Charmander or a Squirtle.

She sit down at the bottom of the tree to think. While, she sit there she siled her bag off her shoulder and sit it beside her,'Hmm, maybe I can trick Pikachu into helping me. Then after I caught my first Pokemon I can just take it back to Professor Oak.' But as she didn't notice while she was thinking this, a wild Ratatta came up and started eating out of her bag,"Hey! Stop that!" She screamed at it.

The wild Ratatta hissed at her. Kairi called up to Pikachu,"Please get down here Pikachu. I need you to fight this Ratatta for me."

"Pi!" Pikachu said turning his head the other way.

"Find then! I'll just have to fight it myself!" Kairi said, as she walked up to the Ratatta and kicked it. The Ratatta wasn't too happy about this. He just jumped at the confused girl and bit her on the toe,"Ahhhhhh!!!!" Kairi screamed in pain.

Pikachu was sitting up in the tree laughing at Kairi. He thought it was so funny that a human would try to fight a Pokemon, themselves,"It's not funny Pikachu! If I had you helping me I wouldn't have to do this!" Kairi told him. Next she picked up a rock, a very big rock and threw it at the Ratatta. It was kinda funny to watch but it worked. The Ratatta was knocked out. Kairi took out a PokeBall and threw it at the Ratatta,"PokeBall go!" She screamed.

The Ratatta was sucked up inside the ball which started to shake, and at last made a dine of a capture,"Yea! See that Pikachu. I got it without your help," Kairi told him.

Pikachu wasn't laughing anymore. In fact it was kinda shocked,"Now, I'm just going to leave you here since you don't want to be with me, Pikachu," Kairi told him. She got ready to walk away when she heard a cry of,"Spear!"

"Huh," Kairi turned around and saw a Spearow. It glared at her, then started flying at Pikachu,"Pikachu! Look out!" She cried.

It was too late. Pikachu was knocked out of the tree,"Pikachu!" Kairi screamed. The Spearow was coming back for more. "Go away!" Kairi screamed as she threw a rock at it.

"Pika pi?" Pikachu asked her.

"Well it's the only thing I could think of," Kairi told him.

Pikachu sighed and then released Thundershock. The Spearow fell to the ground,"Alright!" Kairi cheered. She pulled out a PokeBall and threw it at the Spearow. The Spearow knocked it away. It gave off an angery cry as it started glowing,"What's it doing!?" Kairi wondered.

After it was finished glowing, there was a Fearow in the place where the Spearow had once been,"Guess we should get out of here Pikachu!" Kairi told him. Pikachu nodded his head. Him and Kairi then started running with the Fearow right behind them,"Oh no! It's after us! I don't think were going to make it Pikachu," Kairi cried.

They came to a cliff. The Fearow was closing in on Pikachu. Kairi jumped in front of Pikachu,"Hey! Leave my Pikachu alone!" She cried.

Pikachu screamed,"Pikapi!" Which meant,'What are you doing! Get out of the way!'

The Fearow knocked Kairi off the cliff and into the water. Pikachu realized what Kairi had just done for him. He started feeling something right then. Something? He didn't know what it was. Pikachu thought about it, and realized it was love. He faced the Fearow and let loose with the biggest Thundershock that he could. The Fearow screamed in pain and fell down to the water. Kairi threw a PokeBall,"Now let's try this again! PokeBall go!"

The Fearow was sucked up inside. The ball started shaking, and then dined,"Yey! We did it Pikachu!" Kairi cheered. Pikachu cheered too from where it was up on the cliff. Kairi called out her new Fearow and got it to carry her back up to Pikachu where she hugged it. Her and Pikachu then got on Fearow's back and flew the rest of the way to Viridan City,"There's Viridan City!" Kairi said pointing off in the distense. They had arrived.

A/N: Sorry if it sounds too much like the show. I tried my best to make it not sound like what happened in the show. But no matter what I wrote it still sounded like the show. Also, sorry about posting that Pikachu was able to defeat a Fearow, making it mary-suest, but as I said I couldn't find a way around not making it sound like a mary-sue either. I'll try from now on, not having the characters catching very powerful Pokemon like that, ok. Don't flame me for those two things as I said I tried my best, and even worked on it for days, and this is what I came up with. Also even though this is AU since Ash is in it, yes Jessie, James and Meowth will still be in here.

Please check out my InuYasha fanfiction and tell me what you think.
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Age 27
Male
Best City OCE
Seen October 18th, 2021
Posted April 1st, 2013
5,978 posts
15.1 Years
That's a little harsh dude. I'm not that good of a writer either but maybe you should look at it in a different spectrum. If she can write a story like it is a RPG then maybe she has a future in writing story boards for video games. Hell, maybe she can perfect her own original way of writing and make it an incredibly unique story that way... a story that is told as if it were an RPG. I know I like to get into the stories of my RPG's such as Tales of Vesperia and Skys of Arcadia.
I think she means "RP" which is a RolePlay, not a Role Playing Game. 8D

But AdvancedK9, you're too harsh. Just because she writes RP style doesn't mean it's not for her. >_> RPing is still writing, you know.

On the other hand, Konekodemon, the writing isn't of the best quality. You might want to get a beta reader to remove the smallest errors such as:

Pikachu was very angry and wanted out...NOW!
Spelling mistake.
He saw an apple tree,"Cha!" Pikachu grinned with delight.
You need to put "an" in front of words with vowels at the start.

Also, it's really show-ish. Can't you get your own ideas? I mean, seriously. If you can't write outside of the show, don't start in the show. If you start with ONE character with NO Pikachu, that =/= the show, meaning you can write your own story.
Everything ends,
and that's always sad.
But everything begins again, too,
and that's always happy.

Konekodemon

The Master of Pokemon Breeding

Age 38
Female
NC
Seen August 21st, 2022
Posted February 14th, 2022
2,061 posts
16.1 Years
Yey, I tried very hard to stay away from the show but no matter how I wrote it, it still turned out like the show

Please check out my InuYasha fanfiction and tell me what you think.
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Age 27
Male
Best City OCE
Seen October 18th, 2021
Posted April 1st, 2013
5,978 posts
15.1 Years
Okay, try something different. Try making a new story that's not an OT story. There, no chance of being show-like. xD

Alright, if you want an OT story that's not like the anime, restart. Just have one (or two) characters. Do NOT start with Pikachu. Do NOT start in Pallet, either. Make it that they start in...New Bark, for example. Make it a 'fic in Johto. You don't see that much, now, do you? :D And don't give them a starter from the Professor, make it from their parents! Yeah, the egg of a certain Pokemon. Like...Sentret/Furret or something. xD Just throwing some suggestions in there. xD

Or you could make a parody of the show!
Everything ends,
and that's always sad.
But everything begins again, too,
and that's always happy.

Konekodemon

The Master of Pokemon Breeding

Age 38
Female
NC
Seen August 21st, 2022
Posted February 14th, 2022
2,061 posts
16.1 Years
but I already started on this one, I'm not going to abandon it

Please check out my InuYasha fanfiction and tell me what you think.
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JX Valentine

Your aquatic overlord

Female
Harassing Bill
Seen August 19th, 2020
Posted December 8th, 2012
3,276 posts
19 Years
I think she means "RP" which is a RolePlay, not a Role Playing Game. 8D
There's really no difference in terms except one's a verb and the other's a noun. Additionally, yes, the style is slightly different to writing fanfiction because with RPing, you're writing quickly (at least, faster than you would with writing fiction) and open-ended because you constantly have in mind the fact that someone else is participating with you. As in, you need your poses to be out fairly quickly to keep the game going and/or to get in your pose before someone else changes the story too much for you, and you need your pose to be fairly open to take into consideration the interaction between your characters and someone else's. Koneko's probably used to this sort of environment as well as the tendency to clarify which character she's using (which is also an RP technique for players who have multiple puppets, typically with none of them being in the same location).

It's really just a habit Koneko needs to take the time to break, regardless of how dead-set she is in staying that way. She needs to remember that fanfiction =/= RPing, even if the two are still writing and that when people give her advice, it's a good idea to do her best and improve, rather than stay static simply because they're bad habits she keeps. Harsh as that sounds, all I'm saying is that it's great you realize you have problems with your writing, Koneko, but you really need to work on improving from there, rather than simply say they're bad habits.

Yes, the character labels are incredibly jarring, and they tend to be a bit distracting from the work. As in, they're not something you really want because it disrupts the flow of the story by smacking the reader in the face with who the story's focusing on at that particular moment. (That fact really should be obvious enough by the content of the scene.) It's okay with roleplaying to clarify that you're switching characters, but with fanfiction, it's unnecessary and even bad for your writing.

Also, I'd like to address a couple of things in the author's notes (aside from how jarring the character names are):

all my names are going to be based on other things as I don't know japanese and normal english names wouldn't look good in a japanese anime,
….

x_x

Okay, to be blunt, we're talking about Pokémon here. The main character's name is Ash Ketchum. Every single character (with the exception of a handful of characters-of-the-day, who really don't count anyway) have English names because it's a dub. This, meanwhile, is not an anime, and moreover, it's a fanfiction in a fandom that names its characters things like Misty and Brock anyway. I don't think it really matters whether or not it "looks good."

Not to mention:

1. To be honest, what's worse than a pun-tastic English name (of the sort the anime gives its canon characters) is a Japanese name derived from one of the basic words your average "I think I'm Japanese, but really, I barely studied the culture" kind of fan uses. These are names like Hikari, Usagi, and, of course, Sora. It shows a lack of effort to do the research, and it's basically a cliché with anime fanfiction.

2. What's also not a good thing is if you have Japanese names for your OCs and English names for the canon characters. You can find Japanese names for Ash (Satoshi), Gary (Shigeru), and the others very easily online. In any case, either go with Japanese names or English ones. Do not attempt to use a mix of both unless your character is Japanese (or their parents happen to like Japanese names). In other words, giving your OCs Japanese names because you think they look cool while you keep the English names for the canon characters really isn't a good reason to give a character a Japanese name.

3. And, finally, it's not particularly difficult to find lists of Japanese names on the internet. Heck, you can even find Japanese surnames.

So, in other words, this tends to be a bad sign right off the bat. Be consistent with choosing names, and on top of that, please do your research. I mean this as bluntly but honestly as possible. Naming your OCs after Kingdom Hearts characters will make them think this is a crossover, and doing so because you think it looks better but can't be arsed to find alternative Japanese names reflects badly on your work. I'd go into why, but that would be closer to insulting you.

That said…

Normally, I just skip over the author's notes at the beginning because they aren't really part of the story, but there's a lot here that needs to be said. Hence, that's getting taken care of first.

My character Kairi is not an OC she is Green from the games and manga.
Who are, actually, two different characters with the same appearance. (Note that Leaf, which is the character's actual name, does not get kidnapped by a Ho-oh to be trained by Pryce.)

but a lot of animes use the same names, like Cardcaptor Sakura the main character's name is Sakura but on Naruto there is also a girl called Sakura, but no one ever talks about Naruto saying that Sakura's name is a Cardcaptor Sakura name,
Actually, they do. Sakura has turned into a bit of a joke because it's one of the most overused character names in anime (and anime-based fanfiction). So, just because it's reused doesn't mean it's a good idea.

so don't be saying my character names are Kingdom Hearts names,
As I've said before, because you use Sora and Kairi close together, people will automatically think you're doing a Kingdom Hearts crossover. It's not, after all, like it's at all difficult to look up better names.

Also I did not copy this idea from Pikalover10 this is more based on the manga then the show.
If you need to say that your fanfiction is not based on someone else's, chances are, you probably need to rethink the concept. Your audience won't really make a comparison between a specific author and your work, but if you feel like you're writing a fanfiction similar to someone else's, chances are, you're going down a rather generic pathway, if that makes sense.

Well it is based on the show some but more the manga.
Which one? I can never stand it when people think there's only one Pokémon manga. Special is the longest running, yes, but there's a lot of great ones out there, including The Electric Tale of Pikachu and Golden Boys.

That aside, so… we can expect Kairi to be kidnapped by a Ho-oh at some point? (Kidding, of course, but it's just a point to say that there's a lot to the manga storyline -- stuff that makes it completely different from the anime. If you're basing your story on both, it's something you really need to keep in mind.)

Also...

but I already started on this one, I'm not going to abandon it
This is really the opposite of the "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" sort of philosophy. As in, if it ain't fixed, don't break it more.

What I mean is you realize you have problems with the story. Okay. But if you keep doing nothing to solve those problems, your story will really just get worse. Trust me. Especially with the beginning of the story, if you don't fix the problems you have with it, then the rest of your story will just build up and up from that problem, and you'll encounter more and more problems after that. The beginning's a foundation. If you don't like it, scrap it and rewrite it, even if it means editing the crap out of your story. Yes, your reader will be able to tell what problems you had, so you might as well just go and fix it.

In this case, what might be a good idea is to go all the way back to the prologue, outline what it is you want to do in your story, and rewrite the prologue over and over again until you're done. Yes, you're rewriting parts you've already posted, but that's perfectly fine. Sometimes, authors do that. I've done it to the point where the current prologue of Midsummer Knights is nothing like the original. (Neither is AEM's, although I never posted the original version.) Dragonfree's done it to the point where she's got a massive list of changes between the first version of her Quest fic and the current one. Revisions are perfectly cool, even if it means stopping the fic and restarting from scratch (or salvaging the good parts of the original and replacing the bad ones).

Basically, as far as I can tell, no one's really telling you to ditch your story altogether. Simply that it has problems as it is, but a rewrite -- as in, a serious rewrite -- might help you get over those problems.

Long story short, what I'm trying to say is that it's good that you realize you've got problems with your writing. Now, rather than say you acknowledge them but do nothing about it, you've got to take the next step and make an effort to change X, Y, or Z.

And, also, it would generally be a good idea to do research.

If you'd like a full review on the story, I could provide one later.
Professional ninja. May or may not actually be back. Here for the snark and banter at most.

Need some light reading?
Anima Ex Machina (Chapter 20 now available)
The Leaf Green Incident (SWC 2012 winner)
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Spinor

<i><font color="b1373f">The Lonely Physicist</font></i>

Age 26
Male
Seen February 13th, 2019
Posted October 4th, 2015
5,175 posts
17.3 Years
but I already started on this one, I'm not going to abandon it
If your brain won't implode, guts spill out, or hands run away if you restart, there is no problem. It's just 2 chapters to re-do :\.