Eternal Warrior- Neo's Story = Rated - 12+

It's my first fan-fic, so don't be harsh. This is just the intro of this story, and I work on better parts given to me by friends and parodies. This is my first shot at it, so don't be harsh and I will improve this if needed. It is more a combination of a few genres, just because I never found something like it.

Yes, this will have sequels if I want to.

Shippings
Gambling reference
Minimal violence -partially censored-
Minimal swearing -censored-

The Eternal Warrior- Neo's Story

Chapter 1- A new team



Any credits: Only Nintendo for making this series and the PokeSpe fan-club which gave me a few ideas.
Yeah, there are Beta Readers, but as they are not in this forum, no need to credit them.

First off, welcome to the world of Pokémon fanfiction.

Second, before I give any harder concrit, there's a couple of things you'll want to consider doing to make this easier to read.

1. Separate your paragraphs by hitting the enter key twice. This produces a blank line that functions the same way as indenting paragraphs, so it's easier to tell when one paragraph ends and another begins. (It also helps the reader keep their place, particularly in longer work.) If you were trying to indent, you'll want to keep in mind that most browsers don't recognize indentations, so they strip them from any written work.

2. Dialogue is not written with a hyphen. Rather, it's written with a space after the closing quotation mark. For example, let's look at one of your quotes:

"Neo, I know you are hiding something from me. What is that secret?" she asked.

(Also note the fact that the "she" is left uncapitalized. This is because the dialogue tag -- the part that says "he said," "she said," or anything like it -- is still part of the same sentence as the quote itself. As in, it's like capitalizing in the middle of a sentence. You don't want to do it unless it's a proper noun.)

And both I just found through skimming. I'll leave a proper review if you're a sweet author who decides to go ahead and do the first bit of advice (hitting the enter key twice between each paragraph) for the sake of a pair of old eyes.

Okay, I'll edit the first post. Thanks for the help. Yeah, going to work on Chapter 2 soon where Neo and Sarina leave Ectureak City.

Yeah, chapter 2 is up and running. The full story already is surprising my teacher, so that's mainly it. Now I put them in spoilers for people that want to whiz by posts.

Chapter 2: Ectureak City is past us!

Yeah, worked my butt off here. Chapter 3 is done after numerous distractions and a few hours researching. Yeah, really annoying. Serebii helped a lot, though!

Chapter 3: The Rocket Hunt!

Yeah, I had a problem working on Chapter 4, due to lack of time and a new Wii game, but here it is!

Chapter 4: Cianwood Mountain! 1

Yeah, it takes a long while for me to work on their biographies as Neo's real story will be revealed much later...

Chapter 5: Cianwood Mountain! 2

Tip: If you want us to have an easier time getting from chapter to chapter, it'd be easier to have an index in your first post with links to each individual post, rather than spoiler tags. Spoiler tags are an added, unnecessary hassle for you, and they really don't make things any neater for us, particularly because we'll have to open every spoiler tag anyway to read your story all the way through. If anything, it makes things harder for readers to go back and use the browser's search feature to find a particular part if they don't know the chapter it's in because we can't do that until the spoiler tags are open. Which means if we don't know what chapter we've stopped on or if we want to go back and reread a certain part but don't know when it happened, it'll be more work for us. 'Course, it's up to you.

That said, there are some repeating errors (as in, mistakes you make over and over again in terms of grammar). I'll cover them once and assume you can spot where they happen again after that point. Likewise, I'm not in any way trying to be harsh throughout this review. I'm just trying to help you out here.

RukarioX said:

Ectureak City

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As a tip, you'll want to be sure you're spelling your locations (and other things in canon) correctly, especially in the first line. The reason why is because it doesn't reflect well on your writing in general if one of the first things a reader sees is an error. That and it's generally assumed that a fanfiction writer should know how to spell the elements that appear in the canon they're working with.

(With that in mind, Ecruteak.)

That aside, the beginning starts out with decent description. I particularly liked the mention of the trees without a single leaf on them. It just feels as if you're bumping from one place to the next in an instant. Perhaps draw it out to include his thoughts about coming home so it feels like he's actually traveling? Either that, or you may want to consider just starting at his home.

Not to mention I'm not quite clear on what you mean by "a single piece of life." Do you mean in the Burned Tower or in the town?

I looked at her and she looked up at me.

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Oddly enough, you did a compound sentence correctly just a sentence before, so I'm inclined to assume the missing comma here is actually a typo. If not, try the period test. As in, replace the conjunction (in this case, "and") with a period. See how you get two complete sentences as a result? That means what you're trying to do is a compound sentence, so you need that comma to separate them.

"Neo, why have we not met?"

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Clearly, they have already.

Seriously, it's okay to have a character who speaks oddly formally, but you'll still want to be very careful in what they're saying. In this case, you're actually saying they haven't met at all. What you probably meant is they haven't met at the bus stop, recently, within the past few days, on his journey… a plethora of possibilities here.

"Neo, it was 3 years.

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Has been three years. Was is a more solid verb form. As in, you're saying it happened once and never again. Has been implies it's happened constantly, and they haven't met constantly in three years.

Also, when writing numbers from zero to ninety-nine, you'll want to actually write them out. As in, don't use numerals like 1, 2, 3, et cetera. (Exceptions include times, dates, addresses, and ordinals.)

a 13-year old Pokemon trainer, with an affectionate look

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Get rid of the comma here. It really serves no purpose.

on her face with her long, stormy hair.

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She expresses herself with her hair?

Seriously, though, yeah, you'll want to be very careful and read over what you write out loud. (I know you have a beta, but there's still some awkward bits you might be able to catch yourself.) With a description, you'll want to be careful about when you write traits. You don't want to conjure odd images (like you just did), and you don't want to stop the story to read off a list. I'd suggest putting this in its own sentence and integrate it a bit better into the story.

Also, hair generally isn't stormy.

Not to mention while it's an interesting description, it doesn't really tell us anything. I apologize for being blunt, but you list off vague terms, rather than anything solid. We don't know what color or style "stormy" is (although we can assume gray and extremely messy because that's what stormy implies), we can see that her eyes are in pain but can't tell what color they are – nothing. So, we're left with a mass of pain and eccentricity (which should really be brought up in her actions and backstory, not in her physical description) when you seemed like you were trying to tell us what she looked like. That's not exactly a good thing.

Her expression was filled with eccentric life,

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Also, sometimes, your descriptions are vague in general. For example, what do you mean by "eccentric life"? Is it a dark past, or did she run away from the circus? Because I'd call either fairly eccentric.

Oddly enough, she was incredibly timid.

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Given how she just appeared in someone else's house and accused him of not being in contact with her? Yep. I'd call that timid.

(Seriously, though, timid means quiet and shy. You could say that she is, but from her actions so far, she doesn't seem like it. When you write, you'll want to bring out a character's personality in his or her actions, not just in descriptions. After all, the cliché goes that actions speak louder than words. Showing us a character who backs away shyly when someone approaches them and tries to strike up a conversation screams timid more than telling us a character is timid.)

I can't believe that I met her, but I couldn't lie at all, but I lost my opinions on returning back to Johto to get the rest of the badges and be able to move when she asked me that matter.

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Well, first off, this is a run-on. Notice how you're trying to splice together multiple compound sentences? You'll want to avoid that because it's awkward in a reader's eyes.

Second, I read the last clause a few times, but I don't quite know what you're trying to say. It seems like you're saying he quit the Johto League, is indifferent about resuming it to get the badges, and wants to move when she asks him to, but the last part is a bit fuzzy.

In other words, saying things in simpler terms > doing it with flowery, pretentious descriptions. You'll confuse (and, therefore, lose) a reader more often if you do the latter, but if you keep things simple, they won't have too many problems.

"We each had a good cause Sarina-kun." I had to say.

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1. When you're writing dialogue, if the dialogue tag (the part that says "he said," "she said," what have you) comes after the quote it's attached to, the sentence within the quotation marks doesn't end until after the tag. As in, the tag by itself isn't a sentence. It modifies (or describes) a quote. Therefore, if it comes after, you need a comma (and not a period) at the end of the quote to show you're leading into the tag. (You don't need to replace exclamation points or question marks.) If you need clarification, feel free to ask.

2. Please tell me you're not going to be sprinkling Japanese randomly into your dialogue throughout the fic. I mean, I can tolerate it if the character is of that nationality, but doing it because Japanese looks cooler is not a reason to use foreign words or forms of address in a fanfiction.
2a. That said, "-kun" is not used for females unless the person using it is both older (as in, both in age and in a higher position) and in a formal, business-like setting. For example, a boss might call his secretary "-kun." I suppose this might fit, but it still seems odd, given that this seems more like an intimate setting.

during my whereabouts,

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Whereabouts is not a time or another word for "journey." It's a specific place. Quite literally, it means "location."

My throat began to choke and burn up.

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Usually, one would say, "I began to choke." The reason why is because to choke means "to obstruct or constrict the windpipe." It's rather redundant, then, to have the throat choke.

I felt like I was tortured.

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"Like I was being tortured." Unless he was already tortured beforehand, but I think you mean at that very moment, he was suffering.

It could not have been more throbbing.

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What couldn't have been?

Luckily, I can say about going to Hoenn from a mission given to me by Oak,

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Erm, whoever your beta is might want to spend a bit more time on your fic. O_o I don't mean to be mean, but this just sounds incredibly awkward. First off, no one says "say about." The term is "talk about." The reason why is because "say" just doesn't go with an object. It's the act of speaking. However, "talk" can go with an object because it can potentially mean "the act of addressing something." Just because the thesaurus says they're synonyms doesn't necessarily mean they can be used the exact same way. It just means they're closely related.

Additionally, if Neo went to Hoenn to take care of a mission, then he went for it, not from it. "From" implies either that Sarina got this information from hearing about this mission (which is unlikely because it's still fairly awkwardly worded) or that Neo is running or leaving from the mission, which doesn't explain why he can talk about it. In other words, it's simply confusing.

Also, you switch from past tense ("felt," "began," et cetera) to present ("can," "isn't," "should"). You want to maintain a single tense for the sake of conformity.

with eternal pain.

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Given the fact that you continue with a (better, in my opinion, because it actually details what the pain felt like) description of this pain, you might as well leave this phrase out. It sounds a bit unintentionally humorous anyway because it's just a bit over-the-top in terms of melodrama.

She looked me straight into the eye

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He only has one eye?

and hugeed

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Yeah, you may want to consider switching betas. I don't mean to offend who did it, but the least they should've done was run your work through spell check.

Hugged. Never does a past-tense verb use two E's for the suffix anyway.

My burns on my body

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It would be better to say "the burns on my body." The reason why is because you already say it's Neo's when you have him say "my body." It'd be fairly redundant to say the burns were his as well when that's fairly stating the obvious.

Also, weren't these metaphorical burns?

began being filled with tears.

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Began to fill. To say "began being filled" implies that the tears just appeared out of nowhere, even if you have the word "began" there. To simply say they began to fill means they're actually going through the action of filling with tears.

"So my dream will come true..." she continued - "I want to travel with you."

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First off, decide which sentence the tag (she continued) is meant to be attached to. If it's the first, don't make any changes. If it's the second (the part about her wanting to travel with Neo), you first need to capitalize the word "she." Then, drop the dash (because it's not used in dialogue unless the speaker is being interrupted) and replace it with a comma. The reason why is because these are two different sentences, but you're trying to connect them into a run-on with the dialogue tag.

I was going to meet Red again in this region that I was sure

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I had to reread this a couple of times because it's worded a bit awkwardly. I get the feeling you're trying to write "that I was sure of" (or "of that I was sure" or "I was sure of that"), at which point, that's actually a separate sentence, which means this ends up being a run-on. If that's not what you were trying to say, then I'm not quite sure what your real intention was here. O_o Either way, yeah, you'll want to try rephrasing this to make things a bit clearer.

and then I felt amazingly lightheaded.

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I'd suggest putting this in its own sentence anyway to separate it from whatever you're trying to do in the part before it. (See above.)

"Not again..." - I thought to myself.

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In general, as I said before, dashes are not used in punctuating dialogue. They're only used to indicate either parentheticals (statements that would otherwise go in parentheses, like this) or when one speaker is interrupted by an action or a thought. (Note that dialogue tags do not interrupt speech.)

I was a 14-year old gentleman with diminutive hair

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While diminutive = short normally, it usually refers to the size of objects such as, for example, people or animals. It doesn't refer to hair, and it actually has the connotation that you have a receding hairline or barely any hair at all.

Point is, as pretty as the thesaurus is, I really don't recommend using it unless you've got a dictionary right beside it. The reason why is because you'll end up finding words via the thesaurus that are only synonyms in certain ways but not in all ways, but thesauri never tell you exactly how they're similar. So, you'll end up getting a synonym that isn't used to describe the object you're trying to get at, even though the original word did. (For example, if you said a man was virile, "virile" means "masculine," yes… but it's used in a sexual way. That's not something a thesaurus would tell you.)

My eyes were like the ending of the world

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…Buh?

Okay, seriously, try to avoid similes like this. First off, this sounds a bit trite anyway because it's foreshadowing (and tied in with the vision that Neo just had). Second, usually, similes are used to compare two unlike objects with each other in a way that they both share characteristics. While neither (his eyes nor the end of the world) has much in the way of hope (although that depends on what you think will happen at the end of the world because Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a completely different outlook on this), usually, you don't compare a vague event with a solid object.

That's a lot of the problems I'm having with your metaphors and general comparisons. You attempt to make them deep and poignant, but in the process, you end up making vague comparisons. So, in the end, what you end up doing is trying to describe something but not actually describing it. Remember, the purpose of having a simile in the first place is to describe the first object. By simply saying "it was like the end of the world" and "it had no hope," we're not actually given a mental image of what you're talking about because all we're doing is trying to figure out what that looks like.

In other words, as cool as complex metaphors may be, they're not always a good thing because then, your readers will be too busy trying to work things out and get a description from what you're trying to say to actually pay attention to what comes afterwards.

my body was hacked dreadfully.

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Usually, when you say "hacked," you mean it's currently in the process of being hacked – as in, it's currently or very recently sliced.

It was not a great pair,

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What wasn't? I'm assuming you mean Neo and the girl here, but even then, you'd say "we were," not "it was."

Incidentally, usually, if a man's referring to a pair without saying what pair he's referring to, he's usually referring to one of the following things: legs, a woman's breasts, or a man's (including possibly his own) genitals. So, yeah, you'll want to clarify here.

but as being a gentleman,

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Being a gentleman, not "as being." The "as" really serves no function here.

I knew that she couldn't be refused and will find out everything eventually.

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Would, not will. The reason why is because this sentence takes place in the past. The verb "will" is a future-tense verb. While you want a future tense, "will" usually means it's going to happen sometime after right now, but it couldn't have happened in the past. What you want here is a verb that means it's going to happen sometime after that point in the story, so it could have happened before what we call the present. (In other words, because you're using past tense in this story, it's not the present.)

Long story short, you need a verb that's the future as seen from the past. That would be "would." Confusing, but let's just say you don't use the future tense at all (unless in dialogue) if you're using the past tense in a story.

had some sunlight inside it, meaning there was hope left in the world.

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Or just that it was sunny outside.

Seriously, I know it's first person, but you'll still want to explain how he arrived to that conclusion because right now, it seems out of the blue and irrelevant to the condition of the room.

Not to mention it just feels rather trite anyway. Sunlight usually = hope, so it feels like obvious symbolism.

Well, I don't ****ing know, but come on down here anyway!"

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Tip: If you're going for a serious tone, don't just throw in swearing wherever it's convenient. Swearing is meant for emphasis, not to up the rating.

That said, I'm not sure about the country you come from, but usually, commercials that air during the day do not have swearing, sexual themes, or drug references (unless it's an advertisement for over-the-counter, take-because-you're-genuinely-sick meds) in them. Why? Because children could be watching. It's after they're tucked in or doing their homework that the ads for KY lubricant and Bacardi rum air, and even then, they don't swear because the point of an ad is to lure people into buying the product. Swearing at them gives the product an air of tastelessness, which means swearing = bad for advertisement.

In other words, as sleezy as Wario is, he probably won't be swearing in his commercials.

Also, I get the feeling this was only in here for comic relief (because it doesn't seem to be mentioned again in the story), but it still feels as if you just completely stopped the story to do it. Try to avoid things like that. It's jarring, and you just don't want the reader to stop short and wonder what the crap just happened.

Though, once we went outside, we noticed that it was sinister outside,

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Sinister how? Mind you, specifics are always good because your definition of sinister weather isn't your readers'. For example, because I live in New England, dark clouds and pouring rain isn't sinister to me. It's a normal day. To someone else, that might be the worst kind of weather to travel in. So, saying the clouds were pitch-black and that the rain was coming down in sheets paints a better image of what you're talking about than leaving it at a vague term.


Okay, stopping here for a moment. To be blunt and honest, there's quite a bit to work on. First, you'll want to sort out what's going on with your punctuation, spelling, and wording. Here's a list of comma rules to help you out with the first, as it seems that oddly placed (including nonexistent) commas and oddly punctuated dialogue (which involves a lot of commas) are your two major problems here. Spelling could be taken care of if you're just a bit more careful, and wording can be dealt with by burning your thesaurus.

Also, at times, you come up with original metaphors. (Like the part about the eyes being like the end of the world. It's clever. Vague, but clever.) However, the problem lies in the fact that you use them but either don't go all the way with your descriptions or get so lost in your comparison that you seem to think that it's enough to describe what you mean. You'll really want to concentrate on helping us to clarify our mental images because, really, flowery and complex metaphors aren't enough to help us figure out what things look like. If anything, they end up confusing us more.

As for the storyline, I feel as if not too much happened here, but it's a first chapter. (So, in a sense, it's forgivable.) I'm a bit unsettled by a character called Neo (which in itself made my inner MST3K fan fire out Matrix jokes like volleys out of a machine gun) who receives disturbing visions and has the ability to be more eloquent (and possibly more sexually active, considering how he's getting rather close to Sarina, if you know what I mean) than most fourteen-year-olds. I'm already getting the feeling this is going to be one of those stories where the chosen one goes out, saves the world, and sleeps hooks up with the female companion. This isn't a bad thing by itself, but it tends to sprout Gary Stus, which is why I'm advising you to perhaps keep an eye out on the way Neo turns out. Uber powers and uber Pokémon, for example, will probably force him down the path of the Stu.

In other words, it's a readable beginning, but you'll need to polish it a bit and keep an eye on your characters.

May continue later if I have time.

Don't blame me, English isn't my first language, so I might mess up on a few verbs... and my friends have no idea how to spell Ecruteak, and they did fix it. Ugh, so annoying. Yeah, I will fix it when I post the full version up as a *.doc* file. Right now, it's as-is.

RukarioX said:

Don't blame me, English isn't my first language, so I might mess up on a few verbs...

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That's what your beta is for. If English isn't your first language, you need a good beta who's completely fluent and skilled in the English language to work closely with you to iron out your errors. As it stands, you may want to consider hitting up our Beta Thread because, yeah, your work is littered with oddities that your betas should have caught.

That and in order to improve as a writer, you'll want to really concentrate on learning a bit yourself. I know that's harsh to say, but put it this way. If you listen carefully to your reviewers and betas, you can work from where you are to learn the language bit by bit. Likewise, it's a good idea to read grammar guides in order to better understand how the language works. Basically, you choose to write in this language, which means you're actually making things more of a challenge for you.

So, basically, yes, you'll still have to work a bit harder on your end as well because writing using the English language is what you want to do. (Otherwise, you'd probably stick to your first language, am I right? It'd be easier on you that way.)

and my friends have no idea how to spell Ecruteak, and they did fix it.

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For Pokémon-related names, you can try looking things up on online sources, including Bulbapedia.

Yeah, I will fix it when I post the full version up as a *.doc* file.

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Bad idea. Not everyone uses current versions of Microsoft Word or Open Office, so not everyone can open .docs. Just copy and paste your story onto the forums themselves. There's really no reason why you'd need to compress.

Xanthine said:

Bad idea. Not everyone uses current versions of Microsoft Word or Open Office, so not everyone can open .docs. Just copy and paste your story onto the forums themselves. There's really no reason why you'd need to compress.

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All right... Then what format? No, I will not post chapter after chapter. Or I can just rename this when I have time to make the sequel. Yes, I figured out that I will end this after Chapter... 9 or 10? Still fixing up the full-scale plot and the biographies.
Also, the only reason why I use ".doc" is because I won't use ".docx" due to my school not being able to read ".docx" format. Yeah, I'm allowed to work there nad I have the best English in class, even though I follow the rules blindly and just use grammar correctly. The rest are just "0MG, NOE WYA! WT* IZ DIS? I CAN0TT RAED TIHS! Y0U IZ N00B!". Really, I saw some of their work.

EDIT:
~Plus, ".doc" files are existant since 1998, and if anyone can't read it, I'll just give them a ".txt" file to shut up. And if they can't afford it, there's a useful invention called piracy.

2ND EDIT:
~No, actually, this is my best language, not my first one. I am forced to read English and do English assignments. That reminds me... did I do my homework?

3RD EDIT:
~Yeah, I did. Means more time to listen to terrible soundtracks while writing Chapter 6. Although, I made a huge gap in there, so I'll just blindly add 900 words to it. *chuckles*

4TH EDIT:

In other words, as sleezy as Wario is, he probably won't be swearing in his commercials.

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No, actually I watched his commercial. He did swear in it and I placed everything that I remember into it. Then I bought that game he was selled for about 18 minutes of my time and then I still have fun with it! Odd, because it sucks.

5TH EDIT:
~Well, this is technically my fourth, but I remembered that you mispelled "sleazy"!

6TH EDIT:
~Actually, Neo does give Sarina a book much later on, which explains why does he speak Japanese occasionally. That said, they also have Japanese last names for no reason what-so-ever. I was bored and playing Japanese games at the time.

Okay, I had some spare time and blindly wrote 400 words and combined them with the supposed to be Chapter 7, but I decided that there shan't be nothing at the Lake of Rage. Yeah, Neo will not have a Shiny GYARADOS.

Chapter 6: Why has this happened to me?

RukarioX said:

All right... Then what format? No, I will not post chapter after chapter.

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Just copy and paste your story into the reply box, without the spoiler tags? =/ As I've said before, it's really no big deal to us to scroll through long chapters (and is, actually, the preferred format for posting stories because it's easier to handle).

Also, the only reason why I use ".doc" is because I won't use ".docx" due to my school not being able to read ".docx" format.

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Okay, but that still doesn't mean that everyone can read them. For example, the reason why Mystery Pokémon Theater 3000 takes RTFs only? Because one member of our team uses an old computer with old software and therefore can't open DOCs. (No, I'm not recommending that you upload your story as an RTF, either.)

Furthermore, TXTs lose any formatting you're trying to use. It's not a good idea to upload your story as a TXT precisely because of that. (Unless, of course, you're not using formatting, which, judging by the first line of your sixth chapter, you are, considering you're using italics.)

Not to mention you want your story to be easily readable for everyone. Reworking your story to the TXT format for the sake of some members of your potential audience is double the work for you, and denying that potential audience the ability to read your work is not getting the complete range of readers you want. So, in short, it's your best interest to not upload your story in an attachment and, rather, simply copy and paste your story in the reply box the way the other stories on this forum do.

As a note to the edit about when DOCs were in use, yes, they aren't anything new, but before Word, most computers had Microsoft Works, meaning their documents were formatted as WPSs, not DOCs. As one who finally transitioned to Word after a computer that only had Works (and the computer was a 2003 model), I can verify that, yeah, there were (and still are) computers made fairly recently that can't support DOCs.

And if they can't afford it, there's a useful invention called piracy.

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So, basically, you're advocating theft and illegal activity when the most you could do by getting pirated copies is at best demo versions (and yes, I admit I've tried when I was younger)? Geez, the least you could've done was suggest Open Office.

But in any case, no, it's still work for your audience. When you post on the series of tubes, you're attempting to entertain your audience. (Otherwise, there's no point in posting your work online because you have no need for the feedback of an audience on an open forum.) In order to do so, you need to make reading your fic as easy for them as possible. That includes cleaning up your spelling and grammar as well as presenting your story in an easy-to-read format. That way, they're not struggling to muddle through your errors (in order to figure out what you're trying to say) or open your story.

Besides, if you suggest downloading, you're still excluding the audience who have older, slower computers or slower connections. A word processor is by no means a small program. For example, just the installer for Open Office is over 140 MBs. That takes awhile for an old computer to download, let alone run. Not to mention if you're working with an outdated computer (because not all of us can afford to keep up), you have to go through compatibility issues. Long story short, it'd be murder to try to get a new word processor on an old computer, so it's not worth it.

Yeah, I'm allowed to work there nad I have the best English in class, even though I follow the rules blindly and just use grammar correctly.

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Work here, you mean? Or work at your school?

In any case, that's great, but it still doesn't mean you shouldn't consider getting better betas. Point is, your English is readable, but it certainly can be better. If you want to write using the English language, you'll want to continue improving simply because it's what you're trying to do. After all, when you decide to take up a hobby like a sport, you want to improve because it's more enjoyable when you're good, am I right? Writing's the same thing. It gets more enjoyable the better you are at it. You can be a player who knows the very basics of football but can't quite get your foot to connect with the ball most of the time, or you can train yourself and learn more tricks and more rules to become an MVP. Understand where I'm coming from?

Point is, it's a comfort you're better than some of the other people in the fandom or at your school, but we're not comparing them to you. We're comparing you to you, and in that sense, what the others tend to do doesn't really mean a thing in terms of grammar and syntax.

And as you can tell in my review, you don't always use grammar correctly. Sorry to say that, but... yeah. Compared to them, sure, but standing alone, close but no cigar.

No, actually, this is my best language, not my first one.

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I never said it was. In fact, I said that if it isn't you need a good beta whose first language is more than a number of others.

No, actually I watched his commercial. He did swear in it and I placed everything that I remember into it.

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As far as I know, because Warioware is a game aimed at a general audience (not necessarily children but still), it doesn't swear in its commercials. Of course, this is also considering American commercials which has codes against this, so if anyone else would like to correct me.

~Well, this is technically my fourth, but I remembered that you mispelled "sleazy"!

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I beg your pardon, but my point about your grammar will still have to stand. Yes, I made one error, and I apologize for that. However, please don't disregard the rest of my review for that.

~Actually, Neo does give Sarina a book much later on, which explains why does he speak Japanese occasionally. That said, they also have Japanese last names for no reason what-so-ever. I was bored and playing Japanese games at the time.

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Still not a good reason to have random Japanese. Sorry. Please don't use a foreign language for no reason other than you think it's cool. I'm not sure how you would feel, but when I, for example, see Engrish, I'm less inclined to take the work seriously.

Hey! My PC is actually so old that it barely runs Windows 98! Then my dad found another computer in the garbage. Took a while to fix this one, though.

Also, I am trying to save the commercial onto my PC, then if it works good, my DS. I am trying all I can do.

Onto my English thing, I am stating that this is compared to my school, I have excellent grammar and I just use Japanese for fun because I am bored. Yeah, I'm just mixing up all the languages I know into something useless that wastes my time. Either way, I know I need some work on grammar, but do they teach us that here? Actually, do they even teach us anything?

Also, I am not encouraging piracy, but if you want something and you have no choice, what can it be? Also, I read through your mistakes and fixed what I saw was needed (all but 1 thing because it wouldn't make sense).

RukarioX said:

Hey! My PC is actually so old that it barely runs Windows 98! Then my dad found another computer in the garbage. Took a while to fix this one, though.

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That's cool. Still, your dad was probably cool enough to give it better software, maybe even wipe the old stuff out of the computer along with it. People like my family, unfortunately, know pretty much the bare basics about maintaining computers, so the hand-me-downs we got always ended up with low memory, old software (I swear, the computer I had before my first laptop ran on Windows 98 and still had games that looked exactly like Pong. It was kinda funny.), and a crappy connection to the internet. (Dial-up. Which, unfortunately, my parents still use. *facepalm*) It wasn't until I selected and bought my own computer (with Word bundled in) that I finally got something that wasn't slow and inclined to commit suicide and had the right software.

Either way, I know I need some work on grammar, but do they teach us that here? Actually, do they even teach us anything?

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Not sure about your school system, but yeah, mine wasn't that great either. A lot of the stuff I know I just taught myself by reading articles online. Try the comma guide I gave you earlier. OWL at Purdue in general has a lot of guides and worksheets that make things clear and easy to learn. I wouldn't worry if school doesn't cover everything. If you've got the potential to learn (which I think you do), you'll be able to pick it up no problem by doing a little extra research on the side. Trust me. It's totally worth it.

but if you want something and you have no choice, what can it be?

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True, but usually, there's better alternatives when it comes to programs. (Music and movies, that's a different story.) There's actually a lot of open source software out there (i.e., free to download and run), but the question is whether or not your computer can handle it, which goes back to the bit we were talking about earlier.

Not trying to argue with you. Just pointing you in the direction of some really cool stuff that doesn't have to be illegal.

Also, I read through your mistakes and fixed what I saw was needed (all but 1 thing because it wouldn't make sense).

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Thanks. I'll go through the second chapter when I get a chance. It might take awhile, though.

You know...? It might help if you could be my beta reader. Mainly because the last chapter in this series is almost over and there is no smart beta reader in the school that knows my hobby. Luckily, I work so fast that I can have time to work on this in class.

The last chapter in this book... or part of the full book anyway. I will make a new thread after I post this chapter in order to save space and time. Mainly because this was made 7+ after a few cut-downs. Yeah, I have the orginal document which I edit for PC.

Chapter 7: Neo and the Distortion World!



~Also, I made some odd language in this chapter that will make Neo know so many languages that you can easily lose track of them. He has a past and it will be explained in the new thread.

Thread closed on author's request.