Eternal Warrior- Neo's Story = Rated - 12+

Started by Heart's Soul January 18th, 2009 12:08 PM
  • 1425 views
  • 17 replies
Age 27
Male
Seen August 19th, 2020
Posted August 12th, 2017
2,535 posts
15.5 Years
It's my first fan-fic, so don't be harsh. This is just the intro of this story, and I work on better parts given to me by friends and parodies. This is my first shot at it, so don't be harsh and I will improve this if needed. It is more a combination of a few genres, just because I never found something like it.

Yes, this will have sequels if I want to.

Shippings
Gambling reference
Minimal violence -partially censored-
Minimal swearing -censored-

The Eternal Warrior- Neo's Story

Chapter 1- A new team

Spoiler:
It was yet another rainy day in Ectureak City as I got off the bus. The trees were without a single leaf as I looked toward the Burned Tower. There was not a single piece of life, so I decided to get to my home where an unexpected visitor was waiting in my room. I looked at her and she looked up at me. I knew that face immediately.

"Neo, why have we not met?" Sarina asked me. "Neo, it was 3 years. Why so long?"

It was Sarina, a 13-year old Pokemon trainer, with an affectionate look on her face with her long, stormy hair. Her eyes were of a snooping child and of a girl who has lost the person she treasured most. Her expression was filled with eccentric life, which was the opposite of mine. Oddly enough, she was incredibly timid. She continued to stare at me. I can't believe that I met her, but I couldn't lie at all, but I lost my opinions on returning back to Johto to get the rest of the badges and be able to move when she asked me that matter.

"We each had a good cause Sarina-kun." I had to say. As long as she doesn't know that I met up with Red during my whereabouts, it was fine. But, that wasn't just the case; there was more to that story. Yet, she knew that I was hiding something. Her look was startling with a hand going for a PokeBall attached to her waist. I knew I was trapped, but she can't know that I would've left to Kanto with Red and "missed" the ferry.

"Neo, I know you are hiding something from me. What is that secret?" she asked.

"I'm not done my travels..."

"It was 3 years! How can that be possible?" Sarina shouted at me. I didn't lie, but I felt like I'd die. My throat began to choke and burn up.

"Sarina-kun, calm down. I left for a long journey across Johto, but..."

I felt like I was tortured. It could not have been more throbbing. Luckily, I can say about going to Hoenn from a mission given to me by Oak, but as long as Red isn't in the story, it should be fine.

"I was side-tracked and took the wrong ferry to Hoenn. I wanted to jump off when I found out that I took the wrong ferry, but I was already in Hoenn at that time." I continued with eternal pain.

After that explanation, I felt like a dagger was being stabbed through me. I said the truth by mixing up the story a bit. I could not make Sarina angry as we have not met for 3 years but we were childhood friends. She looked me straight into the eye and said that she could not care, just as long as I'm here. She ran over to my side and hugeed me firmly and I felt immortal pain. My burns on my body were being hurt terribly and it was impossible to do anything about it. I saw that her eyes began being filled with tears.

"Neo, don't leave me... ever again." she told me as I noticed that she started crying, so I hugged her back to comfort her. My burns from Hoenn began burning me from the inside, but I was able to ignore it. I looked at my left arm where I put my 2 Gym Badges and remembered that I was a long way from being done.

"So my dream will come true..." she continued - "I want to travel with you."

After that, I noticed that it could not be possible. I was going to meet Red again in this region that I was sure and then I felt amazingly lightheaded.

"Not again..." - I thought to myself. And then, I saw an abnormal universe. There was a violet sky with cobalt land. Trees were appearing and shortly vanishing, and at the edge of the everlasting universe, I see Sarina looking down and crying. I could not say what happened to her, but I know that she was sore all over and weeping at the edge of a cliff. The universe slowly came back to normal and I saw her still hugging me.

Immediately, I remembered what she wanted. How can she, a tender 13-year old girl risk her life by climbing mountains, swimming through lakes, and running away from Beedrill? I was a 14-year old gentleman with diminutive hair and scars covering my expression. My eyes were like the ending of the world and there was not a single portion of hope in them. I saw everything distorted and my body was hacked dreadfully. It was not a great pair, but as being a gentleman, I knew that she couldn't be refused and will find out everything eventually.

I looked around my room while still hugging her compassionate body and I saw that my dreary room had some sunlight inside it, meaning there was hope left in the world. I released her and she looked up at me and repeated her question. I replied that it would be fine as long as she will learn to stop being hesitant and learn how to go through impossible terrains. She agreed as long as I'm with her. I looked out my window and remembered my 3 years of adventuring. I remembered my misery and I went outside to get some more fresh air. While I was leaving, I noticed a commercial on television.

"Crazy Wario's Microgame Emporium!" - It blasted - "We have over a thousand stupid mini-games!" - I had to be amused at that commercial. Wario was an immense guy with a dim-witted appearance on his face, with some idiotic writings on the left which explained that the games were appalling, expensive, and that they are ripping you off - "You can squish the lady, avoid my foot, play with knives, SWEET RAVE PARTY!!! If it's not made by Wario, it's not made good. Well, I don't ****ing know, but come on down here anyway!" After that commercial ended, I left with Sahara and Miniryu to start a new expedition. Though, once we went outside, we noticed that it was sinister outside, so we decided to make our voyage during a new dawn.


Any credits: Only Nintendo for making this series and the PokeSpe fan-club which gave me a few ideas.
Yeah, there are Beta Readers, but as they are not in this forum, no need to credit them.
I've been on this forum for about 10 years now. You guys wanna see a rare badge? I got some rare badges.

JX Valentine

Your aquatic overlord

Female
Harassing Bill
Seen August 19th, 2020
Posted December 8th, 2012
3,276 posts
19 Years
First off, welcome to the world of Pokémon fanfiction.

Second, before I give any harder concrit, there's a couple of things you'll want to consider doing to make this easier to read.

1. Separate your paragraphs by hitting the enter key twice. This produces a blank line that functions the same way as indenting paragraphs, so it's easier to tell when one paragraph ends and another begins. (It also helps the reader keep their place, particularly in longer work.) If you were trying to indent, you'll want to keep in mind that most browsers don't recognize indentations, so they strip them from any written work.

2. Dialogue is not written with a hyphen. Rather, it's written with a space after the closing quotation mark. For example, let's look at one of your quotes:

"Neo, I know you are hiding something from me. What is that secret?" she asked.

(Also note the fact that the "she" is left uncapitalized. This is because the dialogue tag -- the part that says "he said," "she said," or anything like it -- is still part of the same sentence as the quote itself. As in, it's like capitalizing in the middle of a sentence. You don't want to do it unless it's a proper noun.)

And both I just found through skimming. I'll leave a proper review if you're a sweet author who decides to go ahead and do the first bit of advice (hitting the enter key twice between each paragraph) for the sake of a pair of old eyes.
Professional ninja. May or may not actually be back. Here for the snark and banter at most.

Need some light reading?
Anima Ex Machina (Chapter 20 now available)
The Leaf Green Incident (SWC 2012 winner)
Braid (Creepypasta apparently)
Domain | Dreamwidth | Twitter
Age 27
Male
Seen August 19th, 2020
Posted August 12th, 2017
2,535 posts
15.5 Years
Yeah, chapter 2 is up and running. The full story already is surprising my teacher, so that's mainly it. Now I put them in spoilers for people that want to whiz by posts.

Chapter 2: Ectureak City is past us!

Spoiler:
Neo has trained with his Dratini named Miniryu and Pikachu named Pika the entire night before him and Sarina left Ectureak City to continue with Neo’s quest and for Sarina to be happy. Once dawn rose, Neo was packed with all the needed essentials, but he knew that he’d come back soon, so he didn’t pack a lot.

At that time, Sarina just got up and once she went to her window, she noticed Neo waiting outside for her in his clothes. She opened the window and told him to wait a while, but he was welcome to enter as her parents were fine with her journey. Neo entered and noticed that Sarina was taking a wash.

The things that I do for Sarina… She, undoubtedly, is spoiled.” Neo thinks to himself. He goes over to the stove and look around for some ingredients to make breakfast for both of them, as he never ate. He looks up and hears the water stopping. Neo looks down as Sarina runs past. She tells him to wait for just a minute as he turns off the stove and puts the food on the table. He notices that Sarina is going downstairs with a luggage bag.

“Sarina, let me check that bag.” he exclaimed. Sarina looks at him suspiciously and opens up her bag. Neo looks inside and goes to his bag. He pulls out another backpack from his one and gives it to Sarina.

“What’s with that bag?”

“Yours is… what’s the word… it’s a synonym to poor… inadequate.”

“But how? I packed all I need!” Sarina exclaimed. As Neo sighed, he continued.

“You did not, Sarina. You packed 5 kilograms of clothing while we’re only going away for about a week. That is weak. While I was training with my pokemon, I noticed that you might do this. I packed for you as well.” – Neo finished. Sarina looked at the bag I held in my hand at looked at her carrier. She closed it, pulled it back up and came down, took the bag that I put on the floor and noticed the food.

Once she sat down, she noticed the food and the fact that I was done and already cleaning the plate. She looked down and back at me. Neo told her to take her time and in about 10 minutes she was done. I cleaned up after Sarina and got her to get up. She looked at him and smiled happily. After that talk, they set off.

Sarina could not simply catch up to Neo, but as they passed the Kimono girls, he noticed that Sarina was lagging after him. He waited a bit for her, and then took off again. The city’s lights have turned off, meaning that it was morning. As Neo and Sarina passed the cherry blossom tree that people planted, they noticed the dipping petals. Those petals fell down so effortlessly, that they felt like an astonishing dream was coming towards them. Neo looked at Sarina’s twinkling eyes and told her that they need to go off. She simply nodded.

Once they reached the gate, Neo said that there is now way back, but that they can’t waste time. Sarina looked at him with puppy eyes and Neo just turned. Sarina noticed a negligible blush on his face as he left off. She took off with him and off they went into the daylight that sparkled like a horde of Vulbeat and Illumise.

As soon as they left, a trainer leaped out of nowhere, forcing Neo’s reflexes to punch him. As soon as Neo found out it was a girl, his fist froze in mid-air. He pulled it down and glanced a bit.

“Hey, how about a battle?” she asked. Neo quickly took out a PokeBall and out came his Miniryu, looking like it was going for a fight that will never end. He told her if a 2-on-2 battle would be okay as she just smiled and winked at him. Her expression was of a bratty child who wanted everything her way. However, she looked dull, making Neo quickly think that he has a chance to win against such a trainer. She threw out a PokeBall and a Pidgey came out. It did not look like much of a threat compared to Miniryu.

Miniryu attacked rapidly, and used his tail to slash at the Pidgey. The Pidgey launched itself up and came swiftly down with an Aerial Ace. Miniryu was attacked with a hit that made Pidgey look like a falling star. Neo got a bit angry and shouted at Miniryu to continue attacking with all its might. Miniryu hacked quickly with its tail to create a twister the size of a Wailord. The Pidgey was damaged severely and it fainted upon contact. The twister had a powerful wind and could not be stopped easily as Sarina was nearly blown away, but Neo held on to her. The unknown trainer was swept away, but that would not stop her.

Her next pokemon was a Pichu, a tiny electric pokemon. Neo glared at it and the Pichu was cowering in fear. It looked like a pokemon that is seeing his mother’s bloody death with a person aiming the item that destroyed his mother’s life at the pokemon itself.

“Miniryu, attack it with a Twister!!” Neo commanded. The Miniryu attacked the Pichu with another twister that blew the Pichu away. It felt as a whirlwind hurried at you and destroying everything in sight. The attack was astonishing, proving to Sarina that she chose the precise guy to take a trip with.

The Pichu was hurt and was frightened so badly by Neo’s defiant stare that it ran back to its trainer and leaped inside its PokeBall. Neo looked at the unknown trainer and pulled Miniryu back to his PokeBall. The unknown trainer looked at the PokeBall and took a few steps back.

“How is this possible? I bought these pokemon from some guy and they lost??” she shouted. Sarina looked at her apprehensively, but Neo didn’t even include a glance.

“I know why that happened. There is a massive outbreak in crimes lately over Johto and Kanto. The normal protagonists won’t even get here, so I guess I’ll give these guys a beating.” Neo looked at Sarina while talking to the mysterious trainer “I think they are Team Rocket or something like that. They rip you off. I should know. Well, time to go get them. Where did you get your pokemon from?”

“Past the Milk Guy, close to Olivine City.”

“Good, because that place is part of my trip. It may hold us down, Sarina, but it’s nothing.” Neo looked at Sarina and left with her, off to get to Cianwood City, but first, get some Rockets.
I've been on this forum for about 10 years now. You guys wanna see a rare badge? I got some rare badges.
Age 27
Male
Seen August 19th, 2020
Posted August 12th, 2017
2,535 posts
15.5 Years
Yeah, worked my butt off here. Chapter 3 is done after numerous distractions and a few hours researching. Yeah, really annoying. Serebii helped a lot, though!

Chapter 3: The Rocket Hunt!

Spoiler:
“This is such a pain!” one of the two people dressed in black with a giant R on his chest shouted.

“Stop whining and help me catch all these weak pokemon so we can get an easy buck off!” the other guy punched the first one. He was throwing PokeBalls at random pokemon and capturing them and putting in a bag. They didn’t look like much of sociable people, and each had a tan pack where they positioned the PokeBalls in. Neo looked at Sarina and told her to stay there while he would go and get the PokeBalls and release the pokemon that were caught and then sold to trainers for a reasonable price, meaning 200,000 PokeDollars for each pokemon.

And then… another trainer showed up and called out his Feraligatr. His hair was red, clothes black, and he looked like a person with undying coldness to everyone, apart from a particular someone. His eyes were somewhat gold, and his fists clenched.

“Feraligatr! Use Surf!” he exclaimed. The Feraligatr used a humongous tidal wave that knocked the unknown people down “Listen, Team Rocket, get away from here and never come back! Or, I will unleash a triple attack that will destroy buildings!” he glared at them and they were going to run off, but one of them threw out a PokeBall holding a Zubat. Neo jumped out and got Pika out.

“Pika, use your Volt Tackle!” Neo exclaimed. The Pikachu was charging up electricity so much that it was giving off incredible sparks. The unknown trainer with red hair stepped away with his Feraligatr and looked closely at Pikachu. Neo’s looks were patient and as soon as he told Pika to attack, the Pikachu launched off its spot and ran towards the Zubat with thunderbolts launching from its body. The Zubat was striked just like a car driving over an ant and was knocked out in one shot.

“You! What are you doing here!?” the trainer was enraged at Neo’s commands to use Pika to get rid of Zubat.

“Making your job easier, you idiot! Understand?”

“My name is Silver and I never need help!!” Silver was shouting at Neo. The two Rockets ran off after the Zubat was knocked out and left the sacks on the ground. Neo got over to one of the sacks and unrestricted every pokemon, except a Pidgeotto that he found interesting.

“Pidgeonno, come on out!” Neo exclaimed and his Pidgeotto came out. Neo took out his PokeDex and checked out Pidgeonno’s stats. It was at a light level and has Twister, Quick Attack, WhirlWind, and Persuit. The Pidgeotto looked like it was trained severely and had a reasonable amount of stats to it. “Return!”

“Let’s have a battle- you and me!” Silver exclaimed. Neo looked at him suspiciously and nodded. They decided on a 3-on-3 battle with no substitutions. Silver used his Feraligatr first and Neo used his Miniryu.

“Use Dragon Rage!” Neo commanded, but Silver’s Feraligatr attacked harshly with Surf and before Miniryu attacked, a humongous tidal wave blew Miniryu away. The wave made Neo fly a bit back and Sarina saw Neo hold in the attack. Miniryu came back into his PokeBall and Pika came out next.

The Pikachu was charging up a Volt Tackle, but the Feraligatr used a Bite attack ahead of the Pikachu. The Ferligatr was paralyzed and Pika had the chance to attack. The Pika charged up a Volt Tackle and was getting electricity launched off onto the battlefield. The Pikachu was attacking with a prevailing electrical blast and hit the Feraligatr so badly that it felt like a knife towering through the air and soaring through you. The Feraligatr was forced to faint, but Pika couldn’t hold on so long.

Silver returned his Feraligatr and sent out a Gyarados. The Gyarados was no other, as it came out and sparkled like the stars were sparkling constantly as its red scales reflected the sun’s rays. Neo looked at it and sent out his Pidgeonno after returning his trusty Pika. The Gyarados emitted a powerful beam of water that shone as it damaged Pidgeonno and launched it towards a tree. The Pidgeonno was unable to move as its body struck the tree and it fell, knocked out in one shot.

Neo looked at it with all his might and threw Pika’s PokeBall. Pika came out, but fully recharged and ready to damage Gyarados. It began charging up electricity as it started to whiz around Gyarados. Gyarados was frustrated by attacking Pika, but it was too rapid and dodged all its shots. Once Pika became a golden oval around Gyarados thousands of electrical bolts were whooshing around Gyarados. Silver looked at it and told Gyarados to use Hyper Beam on the oval. Gyarados launched a powerful orange beam that was aimed at Pika, and started to defend itself against the barrier. Pika was toppled in a few seconds with Gyarados’s might but as Pika was knocked out, Gyarados was shocked severely by the barrier. It flew up, paralyzed and fell onto the ground with power unimaginable.

Silver returned Gyarados and left the battlefield as Neo returned Pika. Sarina came out of the bush just as Silver left and looked at Neo with tears.

“I thought you would… win…” she cried.

“Yes, that’s exactly what I might have thought, Sarina-kun.”

“But, then, why did you lose?” Sarina asked.

“I knew that there was a massive difference in power, but I saw a huge difference in trust as well. I thought that Silver’s pokemon would not trust him enough to fight, but I was mistaken. We are leaving in the other path, Sarnia, where we originally went, but the Rockets halted us. We will travel to Olivine, where we will board a ferry to Cianwood City and then back to Olivine. We will, however, need to travel by foot back, because the ferry will leave in a few hours after we are there.”

“Why do we have to?”

“To save time. Our journey was for a week and today is the second day already, Sarina.” Neo continued. “The next ferry will be 3 days after we got there, so I can’t afford to waste time. I heard that if you get the badge there, you get the HM Fly, so that’s that. I will try to make Pidgeonno become a Pidgeot, where I will call it Pidgeott ever since.”

Neo looked at Sarina with his hopeless eyes and then looked at the place where his Pika’s attack was ready to defeat Gyarados. He sighed and left to Olivine City when the sun was gone and the moon was pointing at the heroes who were leaving to Olivine City.
I've been on this forum for about 10 years now. You guys wanna see a rare badge? I got some rare badges.
Age 27
Male
Seen August 19th, 2020
Posted August 12th, 2017
2,535 posts
15.5 Years
Yeah, I had a problem working on Chapter 4, due to lack of time and a new Wii game, but here it is!

Chapter 4: Cianwood Mountain! 1
Spoiler:
The moon was shining bright as our heroes went to Olivine City. Sarina was exhausted as she told Neo to wait and rest until crack of dawn comes. Neo looked at her with implausible amazement.

“No. We can not stop now, the ferry leaves today. We have no time for rest. Once we get to Cianwood City, then we can rest.”

“I just can’t Neo.” Sarina sat on the ground “It’s just too much to travel during the night as well. I just have to rest!”

“We have no time, Sarina!”

Unfortunately, Sarina was fast asleep, so Neo swore under his breath and lifted Sarina off the ground.

If she can’t travel anymore, we might have to rest. But, then we’d miss the ferry. I can go for a few more hours, but…” Neo thought. He lifted her up with his hands and then left off to Olivine City.

---Much Later---

“Where am I?” Sarina asked. She noticed that she was inside a tent and outside, there were many Rock-type Pokémon in the rocky outfields. As her face looked towards the left side of her tent, she saw another tent. Sarina sneaked towards in and she saw Neo resting inside. He looked like he was knocked out cold and beaten in his sleep, although there are no marks on him. As she looked through the tent, she saw his belt and Pokémon. She noticed that his PokeTCH said that it was past noon.

Sarina left his tent and noticed that the ground ends in a short distance. She ran to it and called out her Cutesy. Her Eevee came out and came to Sarina. Cutesy looked at Sarina who held her up as they both looked at the vast amount of space that was going down below their feet. There were serrated rocks and at the bottom was a harbor with only a few boats, but no ferry.

“You know, Cutesy, I’ve been thinking… Neo goes through things like this and rarely takes a second to look at all of this. I like that in him, the ability to go through anything without looking around. But, I can never catch up to him when we’re travelling. So, what if we start our own journey?” Sarina looked at Cutesy with her familiar cute face, and then took out a heart-shaped rock and continued on “I always want Neo with me, but as I said, we can never catch up to him. Sure, he’s a good bodyguard and I can back him up if needed… although… we’re much weaker than him, and I want to know the history of this rock.”

Cutesy looked up to Sarina and cuddled in her arms, even though they were still standing beside a cliff edge. Sarina returned Cutesy into her PokeBall and then went back to wait for Neo. She decided that Neo is her best friend and that she’ll never leave him, not even if she gets captured. As soon as Neo woke up and cleared his eyes, they went past the mountain and found a small city at the back of it.

The city wasn’t so great in size, nor was there a lot of people, but if Neo’s PokeTCH said that it’s a city, then it’s a city. As they looked down and went towards it, Neo said that it is Cianwood City, where he hopes to evolve Pidgeonno and Fly to Ectureak City. As soon as they entered, they noticed that the massive city was without any people around. Neo found that a city with numerous buildings from side to side with sturdy walls that was empty was peculiar.

When Sarina and Neo went by, they noticed that a few buildings were boarded down and closed shut. Neo looked towards the news stand in the city and… there was nobody there. Sarina looked around the news stand and took a paper to read it. The paper was old and somewhat legible to read, but Neo noticed that she was holding the damaged newspaper and wanted to know what was written there. Sarina could not read it as it was illegible and Neo asked if he could have a try.

Neo took the crumpled, old paper from her hands and noticed that part of it faded away into the yellow paper. There were symbols that were not English, and not in Unown ruins. As Neo looked closer, he noticed that it was a paper written using Greek letters.

As the new Gym Leader of this town arrived, some people noticed a change in the city. Why? The city became boarded shut to avoid Chuck’s fury. Chuck is the new Gym Leader that uses incredibly powerful Fighting-type Pokémon to scare the citizens to obey his commands. As the city is locking up every single building possible, this paper is going to be closed until Chuck is defeated.” Neo read it out loud “Many trainers have challenged Chuck, even 3-on-1, but they all failed significantly and have been defeated without Chuck trying. Only a few residents decide to live in the city, even though the Pokémon Center is now, officially, closed, meaning that if a trainer chooses to battle Chuck, it will be impossible for them to re-battle him again without the use of GameShark.

“So… we only have 1 chance to battle the Gym Leader?” Sarina asked with her cute face. As Neo looked at her and nodded they came towards the Gym. The windows were broken with shards of glass poking out, the door was barely holding up and the Gym looked like it was about to collapse at any second.

As soon as Neo and Sarina went towards the door, 3 pokemon jumped out at them. One was a Hitmonlee, the kicking master, with kicks that break walls, the other a Hitmonchan, with punches that can make holes in clear steel, and the other was a Hitmontop, with continuous punches and kicks that can continue for hours.
I've been on this forum for about 10 years now. You guys wanna see a rare badge? I got some rare badges.
Age 27
Male
Seen August 19th, 2020
Posted August 12th, 2017
2,535 posts
15.5 Years
Yeah, it takes a long while for me to work on their biographies as Neo's real story will be revealed much later...

Chapter 5: Cianwood Mountain! 2

Spoiler:
“Neo! What are they!?” Sarina shrieked. She hid behind Neo as he got out Pidgeonno.

“They are the three fighters. One is Hitmonchan, watch out for fists, one is Hitmonlee, watch out for legs, and one is Hitmontop, doesn’t matter, both are powerful.” Pidgeonno quickly used a Twister onto Hitmonlee, with it being tangled up in the fierce winds, making it impossible to hit Pidgeonno. Pidgeonno quickly responded with a Persuit attack, and even though it was weaker against Hitmonlee, it was able to push it back to one of the Gym’s walls. The wall crumbled, however it still stood with the Hitmonlee immobile. As Hitmonlee fell down from the wall, it just lay there, like its head was damaged with a brick.

Neo looked at the Hitmonchan, which started releasing continuous punches without breaking a sweat. “Hitmonchan must be able to continuously attack. Not good…” Neo thought to himself as Pidgeonno used WhirlWind on Hitmonchan, blowing it away in one swish. The Hitmonchan was gone from Cianwood in a few seconds as Neo noticed Pidgeonno start shining a silver colour. Pidgeonno started to become mush taller, the hair on its head were turning long, and its feathers started to increase in size rapidly. As Pidgeonno evolved, the claws on its feet were sharp like axe blades and it let out a guttural roar. It became a Pidgeot!

“Neo… what happened to Pidgeonno?” Sarina asked with a curious face.

“It’s no longer Pidgeonno… it’s Pidgeott!” Neo exclaimed “Pidgeonno has evolved into a Pidgeot, meaning that it’s much more powerful than before. And by what my PokeDex says, it learned Wing Attack and lost Persuit. Not sure if it’ll help against Hitmontop, but still…”

Hitmontop looked at Pidgeott and started spinning rapidly on its head. Like a top, xe took out his hands and feet and used them as a protective barrier. Xe moved down and started moving rapidly towards Pidgeott, like a twister without any time to stop at all!

“Pidgeott! Use your Wing Attack!!” Neo shouted with all his might. Pidgeott might not have been long on Neo’s team but it responded with a fast and furious attack, only to be countered by Hitmontop’s spins. Pidgeott was hurt continuously and fell over. Pidgeott lost to Hitmontop who was still spinning rapidly. Hitmontop stopped after attacking it and started to wobble around. Neo thought of the perfect chance to use Pika in this and sent him out. As Hitmontop still was lightheaded, Pika used a Surf attack and blew Hitmontop away. Hitmontop lay on the ground, fainted.

“These pokemon are weak… The Gym Leader must have trained them into using offense as defense, which will make them unable to hold on a counterattack. Oddly enough, the Gym Leader must use this style when doing it.” Neo looked at the three pokemon as Sarina asked “Um… Neo? Where is the Gym Leader?”

As Neo looked down onto Hitmontop’s chest, he noticed a badge set onto it. He took the badge which looked like a dark blue fist. Neo then went to the door and gave it a tug. The door didn’t budge in the slightest. Neo looked down to his newly obtained badge and pulled sturdily again. The door still refused to open, so Neo left it be. He looked down to the badge and then put it into his case.

“By the looks of this badge, it looks like the Gym Leader is gone. I guess the lack of people here must have some reason to do with this…” Neo looked towards the dock, which was still visible from the city “However, there must be a reason for all these ferries coming to Cianwood City. There must be some civilization.”

A kid suddenly crept up to Neo and Sarina and sneezed by accident. Neo quickly turned around with his hand onto his PokeBall, but stopped in a matter of seconds as he saw that the kid was harmless.

“Um… Did you lose against the three fighters?” he asked quietly. His hair was brown and filled with dirt, and his expression of a snooping child was quite filled with annoyance. As Neo looked at him with his cold, bitter eyes, the child repeated his question.

“No, the pokemon were defeated. They are incredibly powerful… however they were trained incorrectly. That is their weakness. They shall never bother you again, even though we can call them wild pokemon. I will go back to capture Hitmontop, and train it properly.” Neo showed the badge to the child who ran off shouting happily that the pokemon will never terrorize us again. As Neo went and threw a PokeBall at Hitmontop, who just went with the team, Sarina ran to Neo and threw a PokeBall at Hitmonlee. The Hitmonlee was captured by the PokeBall as it was immobilized and Neo just smiled at Sarina. As Neo took out Pidgeott, he and Sarina climbed onto it to fly back to Ectureak City.

The view was astounding with the air pounding into your face. As Neo looked left towards the sunset, he felt the tug of Sarina’s hands. He was hugged tightly by her as they flew into the sunset with an astounding view at the bottom. As they looked back at the small speck that was Cianwood City the two realized that it was already nighttime before they landed into Ectureak City as each of them went their separate paths for the night.
I've been on this forum for about 10 years now. You guys wanna see a rare badge? I got some rare badges.

JX Valentine

Your aquatic overlord

Female
Harassing Bill
Seen August 19th, 2020
Posted December 8th, 2012
3,276 posts
19 Years
Tip: If you want us to have an easier time getting from chapter to chapter, it'd be easier to have an index in your first post with links to each individual post, rather than spoiler tags. Spoiler tags are an added, unnecessary hassle for you, and they really don't make things any neater for us, particularly because we'll have to open every spoiler tag anyway to read your story all the way through. If anything, it makes things harder for readers to go back and use the browser's search feature to find a particular part if they don't know the chapter it's in because we can't do that until the spoiler tags are open. Which means if we don't know what chapter we've stopped on or if we want to go back and reread a certain part but don't know when it happened, it'll be more work for us. 'Course, it's up to you.

That said, there are some repeating errors (as in, mistakes you make over and over again in terms of grammar). I'll cover them once and assume you can spot where they happen again after that point. Likewise, I'm not in any way trying to be harsh throughout this review. I'm just trying to help you out here.

Ectureak City
As a tip, you'll want to be sure you're spelling your locations (and other things in canon) correctly, especially in the first line. The reason why is because it doesn't reflect well on your writing in general if one of the first things a reader sees is an error. That and it's generally assumed that a fanfiction writer should know how to spell the elements that appear in the canon they're working with.

(With that in mind, Ecruteak.)

That aside, the beginning starts out with decent description. I particularly liked the mention of the trees without a single leaf on them. It just feels as if you're bumping from one place to the next in an instant. Perhaps draw it out to include his thoughts about coming home so it feels like he's actually traveling? Either that, or you may want to consider just starting at his home.

Not to mention I'm not quite clear on what you mean by "a single piece of life." Do you mean in the Burned Tower or in the town?

I looked at her and she looked up at me.
Oddly enough, you did a compound sentence correctly just a sentence before, so I'm inclined to assume the missing comma here is actually a typo. If not, try the period test. As in, replace the conjunction (in this case, "and") with a period. See how you get two complete sentences as a result? That means what you're trying to do is a compound sentence, so you need that comma to separate them.

"Neo, why have we not met?"
Clearly, they have already.

Seriously, it's okay to have a character who speaks oddly formally, but you'll still want to be very careful in what they're saying. In this case, you're actually saying they haven't met at all. What you probably meant is they haven't met at the bus stop, recently, within the past few days, on his journey… a plethora of possibilities here.

"Neo, it was 3 years.
Has been three years. Was is a more solid verb form. As in, you're saying it happened once and never again. Has been implies it's happened constantly, and they haven't met constantly in three years.

Also, when writing numbers from zero to ninety-nine, you'll want to actually write them out. As in, don't use numerals like 1, 2, 3, et cetera. (Exceptions include times, dates, addresses, and ordinals.)

a 13-year old Pokemon trainer, with an affectionate look
Get rid of the comma here. It really serves no purpose.

on her face with her long, stormy hair.
She expresses herself with her hair?

Seriously, though, yeah, you'll want to be very careful and read over what you write out loud. (I know you have a beta, but there's still some awkward bits you might be able to catch yourself.) With a description, you'll want to be careful about when you write traits. You don't want to conjure odd images (like you just did), and you don't want to stop the story to read off a list. I'd suggest putting this in its own sentence and integrate it a bit better into the story.

Also, hair generally isn't stormy.

Not to mention while it's an interesting description, it doesn't really tell us anything. I apologize for being blunt, but you list off vague terms, rather than anything solid. We don't know what color or style "stormy" is (although we can assume gray and extremely messy because that's what stormy implies), we can see that her eyes are in pain but can't tell what color they are – nothing. So, we're left with a mass of pain and eccentricity (which should really be brought up in her actions and backstory, not in her physical description) when you seemed like you were trying to tell us what she looked like. That's not exactly a good thing.

Her expression was filled with eccentric life,
Also, sometimes, your descriptions are vague in general. For example, what do you mean by "eccentric life"? Is it a dark past, or did she run away from the circus? Because I'd call either fairly eccentric.

Oddly enough, she was incredibly timid.
Given how she just appeared in someone else's house and accused him of not being in contact with her? Yep. I'd call that timid.

(Seriously, though, timid means quiet and shy. You could say that she is, but from her actions so far, she doesn't seem like it. When you write, you'll want to bring out a character's personality in his or her actions, not just in descriptions. After all, the cliché goes that actions speak louder than words. Showing us a character who backs away shyly when someone approaches them and tries to strike up a conversation screams timid more than telling us a character is timid.)

I can't believe that I met her, but I couldn't lie at all, but I lost my opinions on returning back to Johto to get the rest of the badges and be able to move when she asked me that matter.
Well, first off, this is a run-on. Notice how you're trying to splice together multiple compound sentences? You'll want to avoid that because it's awkward in a reader's eyes.

Second, I read the last clause a few times, but I don't quite know what you're trying to say. It seems like you're saying he quit the Johto League, is indifferent about resuming it to get the badges, and wants to move when she asks him to, but the last part is a bit fuzzy.

In other words, saying things in simpler terms > doing it with flowery, pretentious descriptions. You'll confuse (and, therefore, lose) a reader more often if you do the latter, but if you keep things simple, they won't have too many problems.

"We each had a good cause Sarina-kun." I had to say.
1. When you're writing dialogue, if the dialogue tag (the part that says "he said," "she said," what have you) comes after the quote it's attached to, the sentence within the quotation marks doesn't end until after the tag. As in, the tag by itself isn't a sentence. It modifies (or describes) a quote. Therefore, if it comes after, you need a comma (and not a period) at the end of the quote to show you're leading into the tag. (You don't need to replace exclamation points or question marks.) If you need clarification, feel free to ask.

2. Please tell me you're not going to be sprinkling Japanese randomly into your dialogue throughout the fic. I mean, I can tolerate it if the character is of that nationality, but doing it because Japanese looks cooler is not a reason to use foreign words or forms of address in a fanfiction.
2a. That said, "-kun" is not used for females unless the person using it is both older (as in, both in age and in a higher position) and in a formal, business-like setting. For example, a boss might call his secretary "-kun." I suppose this might fit, but it still seems odd, given that this seems more like an intimate setting.

during my whereabouts,
Whereabouts is not a time or another word for "journey." It's a specific place. Quite literally, it means "location."

My throat began to choke and burn up.
Usually, one would say, "I began to choke." The reason why is because to choke means "to obstruct or constrict the windpipe." It's rather redundant, then, to have the throat choke.

I felt like I was tortured.
"Like I was being tortured." Unless he was already tortured beforehand, but I think you mean at that very moment, he was suffering.

It could not have been more throbbing.
What couldn't have been?

Luckily, I can say about going to Hoenn from a mission given to me by Oak,
Erm, whoever your beta is might want to spend a bit more time on your fic. O_o I don't mean to be mean, but this just sounds incredibly awkward. First off, no one says "say about." The term is "talk about." The reason why is because "say" just doesn't go with an object. It's the act of speaking. However, "talk" can go with an object because it can potentially mean "the act of addressing something." Just because the thesaurus says they're synonyms doesn't necessarily mean they can be used the exact same way. It just means they're closely related.

Additionally, if Neo went to Hoenn to take care of a mission, then he went for it, not from it. "From" implies either that Sarina got this information from hearing about this mission (which is unlikely because it's still fairly awkwardly worded) or that Neo is running or leaving from the mission, which doesn't explain why he can talk about it. In other words, it's simply confusing.

Also, you switch from past tense ("felt," "began," et cetera) to present ("can," "isn't," "should"). You want to maintain a single tense for the sake of conformity.

with eternal pain.
Given the fact that you continue with a (better, in my opinion, because it actually details what the pain felt like) description of this pain, you might as well leave this phrase out. It sounds a bit unintentionally humorous anyway because it's just a bit over-the-top in terms of melodrama.

She looked me straight into the eye
He only has one eye?

and hugeed
Yeah, you may want to consider switching betas. I don't mean to offend who did it, but the least they should've done was run your work through spell check.

Hugged. Never does a past-tense verb use two E's for the suffix anyway.

My burns on my body
It would be better to say "the burns on my body." The reason why is because you already say it's Neo's when you have him say "my body." It'd be fairly redundant to say the burns were his as well when that's fairly stating the obvious.

Also, weren't these metaphorical burns?

began being filled with tears.
Began to fill. To say "began being filled" implies that the tears just appeared out of nowhere, even if you have the word "began" there. To simply say they began to fill means they're actually going through the action of filling with tears.

"So my dream will come true..." she continued - "I want to travel with you."
First off, decide which sentence the tag (she continued) is meant to be attached to. If it's the first, don't make any changes. If it's the second (the part about her wanting to travel with Neo), you first need to capitalize the word "she." Then, drop the dash (because it's not used in dialogue unless the speaker is being interrupted) and replace it with a comma. The reason why is because these are two different sentences, but you're trying to connect them into a run-on with the dialogue tag.

I was going to meet Red again in this region that I was sure
I had to reread this a couple of times because it's worded a bit awkwardly. I get the feeling you're trying to write "that I was sure of" (or "of that I was sure" or "I was sure of that"), at which point, that's actually a separate sentence, which means this ends up being a run-on. If that's not what you were trying to say, then I'm not quite sure what your real intention was here. O_o Either way, yeah, you'll want to try rephrasing this to make things a bit clearer.

and then I felt amazingly lightheaded.
I'd suggest putting this in its own sentence anyway to separate it from whatever you're trying to do in the part before it. (See above.)

"Not again..." - I thought to myself.
In general, as I said before, dashes are not used in punctuating dialogue. They're only used to indicate either parentheticals (statements that would otherwise go in parentheses, like this) or when one speaker is interrupted by an action or a thought. (Note that dialogue tags do not interrupt speech.)

I was a 14-year old gentleman with diminutive hair
While diminutive = short normally, it usually refers to the size of objects such as, for example, people or animals. It doesn't refer to hair, and it actually has the connotation that you have a receding hairline or barely any hair at all.

Point is, as pretty as the thesaurus is, I really don't recommend using it unless you've got a dictionary right beside it. The reason why is because you'll end up finding words via the thesaurus that are only synonyms in certain ways but not in all ways, but thesauri never tell you exactly how they're similar. So, you'll end up getting a synonym that isn't used to describe the object you're trying to get at, even though the original word did. (For example, if you said a man was virile, "virile" means "masculine," yes… but it's used in a sexual way. That's not something a thesaurus would tell you.)

My eyes were like the ending of the world
…Buh?

Okay, seriously, try to avoid similes like this. First off, this sounds a bit trite anyway because it's foreshadowing (and tied in with the vision that Neo just had). Second, usually, similes are used to compare two unlike objects with each other in a way that they both share characteristics. While neither (his eyes nor the end of the world) has much in the way of hope (although that depends on what you think will happen at the end of the world because Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a completely different outlook on this), usually, you don't compare a vague event with a solid object.

That's a lot of the problems I'm having with your metaphors and general comparisons. You attempt to make them deep and poignant, but in the process, you end up making vague comparisons. So, in the end, what you end up doing is trying to describe something but not actually describing it. Remember, the purpose of having a simile in the first place is to describe the first object. By simply saying "it was like the end of the world" and "it had no hope," we're not actually given a mental image of what you're talking about because all we're doing is trying to figure out what that looks like.

In other words, as cool as complex metaphors may be, they're not always a good thing because then, your readers will be too busy trying to work things out and get a description from what you're trying to say to actually pay attention to what comes afterwards.

my body was hacked dreadfully.
Usually, when you say "hacked," you mean it's currently in the process of being hacked – as in, it's currently or very recently sliced.

It was not a great pair,
What wasn't? I'm assuming you mean Neo and the girl here, but even then, you'd say "we were," not "it was."

Incidentally, usually, if a man's referring to a pair without saying what pair he's referring to, he's usually referring to one of the following things: legs, a woman's breasts, or a man's (including possibly his own) genitals. So, yeah, you'll want to clarify here.

but as being a gentleman,
Being a gentleman, not "as being." The "as" really serves no function here.

I knew that she couldn't be refused and will find out everything eventually.
Would, not will. The reason why is because this sentence takes place in the past. The verb "will" is a future-tense verb. While you want a future tense, "will" usually means it's going to happen sometime after right now, but it couldn't have happened in the past. What you want here is a verb that means it's going to happen sometime after that point in the story, so it could have happened before what we call the present. (In other words, because you're using past tense in this story, it's not the present.)

Long story short, you need a verb that's the future as seen from the past. That would be "would." Confusing, but let's just say you don't use the future tense at all (unless in dialogue) if you're using the past tense in a story.

had some sunlight inside it, meaning there was hope left in the world.
Or just that it was sunny outside.

Seriously, I know it's first person, but you'll still want to explain how he arrived to that conclusion because right now, it seems out of the blue and irrelevant to the condition of the room.

Not to mention it just feels rather trite anyway. Sunlight usually = hope, so it feels like obvious symbolism.

Well, I don't ****ing know, but come on down here anyway!"
Tip: If you're going for a serious tone, don't just throw in swearing wherever it's convenient. Swearing is meant for emphasis, not to up the rating.

That said, I'm not sure about the country you come from, but usually, commercials that air during the day do not have swearing, sexual themes, or drug references (unless it's an advertisement for over-the-counter, take-because-you're-genuinely-sick meds) in them. Why? Because children could be watching. It's after they're tucked in or doing their homework that the ads for KY lubricant and Bacardi rum air, and even then, they don't swear because the point of an ad is to lure people into buying the product. Swearing at them gives the product an air of tastelessness, which means swearing = bad for advertisement.

In other words, as sleezy as Wario is, he probably won't be swearing in his commercials.

Also, I get the feeling this was only in here for comic relief (because it doesn't seem to be mentioned again in the story), but it still feels as if you just completely stopped the story to do it. Try to avoid things like that. It's jarring, and you just don't want the reader to stop short and wonder what the crap just happened.

Though, once we went outside, we noticed that it was sinister outside,
Sinister how? Mind you, specifics are always good because your definition of sinister weather isn't your readers'. For example, because I live in New England, dark clouds and pouring rain isn't sinister to me. It's a normal day. To someone else, that might be the worst kind of weather to travel in. So, saying the clouds were pitch-black and that the rain was coming down in sheets paints a better image of what you're talking about than leaving it at a vague term.


Okay, stopping here for a moment. To be blunt and honest, there's quite a bit to work on. First, you'll want to sort out what's going on with your punctuation, spelling, and wording. Here's a list of comma rules to help you out with the first, as it seems that oddly placed (including nonexistent) commas and oddly punctuated dialogue (which involves a lot of commas) are your two major problems here. Spelling could be taken care of if you're just a bit more careful, and wording can be dealt with by burning your thesaurus.

Also, at times, you come up with original metaphors. (Like the part about the eyes being like the end of the world. It's clever. Vague, but clever.) However, the problem lies in the fact that you use them but either don't go all the way with your descriptions or get so lost in your comparison that you seem to think that it's enough to describe what you mean. You'll really want to concentrate on helping us to clarify our mental images because, really, flowery and complex metaphors aren't enough to help us figure out what things look like. If anything, they end up confusing us more.

As for the storyline, I feel as if not too much happened here, but it's a first chapter. (So, in a sense, it's forgivable.) I'm a bit unsettled by a character called Neo (which in itself made my inner MST3K fan fire out Matrix jokes like volleys out of a machine gun) who receives disturbing visions and has the ability to be more eloquent (and possibly more sexually active, considering how he's getting rather close to Sarina, if you know what I mean) than most fourteen-year-olds. I'm already getting the feeling this is going to be one of those stories where the chosen one goes out, saves the world, and sleeps hooks up with the female companion. This isn't a bad thing by itself, but it tends to sprout Gary Stus, which is why I'm advising you to perhaps keep an eye out on the way Neo turns out. Uber powers and uber Pokémon, for example, will probably force him down the path of the Stu.

In other words, it's a readable beginning, but you'll need to polish it a bit and keep an eye on your characters.

May continue later if I have time.
Professional ninja. May or may not actually be back. Here for the snark and banter at most.

Need some light reading?
Anima Ex Machina (Chapter 20 now available)
The Leaf Green Incident (SWC 2012 winner)
Braid (Creepypasta apparently)
Domain | Dreamwidth | Twitter
Age 27
Male
Seen August 19th, 2020
Posted August 12th, 2017
2,535 posts
15.5 Years
Don't blame me, English isn't my first language, so I might mess up on a few verbs... and my friends have no idea how to spell Ecruteak, and they did fix it. Ugh, so annoying. Yeah, I will fix it when I post the full version up as a *.doc* file. Right now, it's as-is.
I've been on this forum for about 10 years now. You guys wanna see a rare badge? I got some rare badges.

JX Valentine

Your aquatic overlord

Female
Harassing Bill
Seen August 19th, 2020
Posted December 8th, 2012
3,276 posts
19 Years
Don't blame me, English isn't my first language, so I might mess up on a few verbs...
That's what your beta is for. If English isn't your first language, you need a good beta who's completely fluent and skilled in the English language to work closely with you to iron out your errors. As it stands, you may want to consider hitting up our Beta Thread because, yeah, your work is littered with oddities that your betas should have caught.

That and in order to improve as a writer, you'll want to really concentrate on learning a bit yourself. I know that's harsh to say, but put it this way. If you listen carefully to your reviewers and betas, you can work from where you are to learn the language bit by bit. Likewise, it's a good idea to read grammar guides in order to better understand how the language works. Basically, you choose to write in this language, which means you're actually making things more of a challenge for you.

So, basically, yes, you'll still have to work a bit harder on your end as well because writing using the English language is what you want to do. (Otherwise, you'd probably stick to your first language, am I right? It'd be easier on you that way.)

and my friends have no idea how to spell Ecruteak, and they did fix it.
For Pokémon-related names, you can try looking things up on online sources, including Bulbapedia.

Yeah, I will fix it when I post the full version up as a *.doc* file.
Bad idea. Not everyone uses current versions of Microsoft Word or Open Office, so not everyone can open .docs. Just copy and paste your story onto the forums themselves. There's really no reason why you'd need to compress.
Professional ninja. May or may not actually be back. Here for the snark and banter at most.

Need some light reading?
Anima Ex Machina (Chapter 20 now available)
The Leaf Green Incident (SWC 2012 winner)
Braid (Creepypasta apparently)
Domain | Dreamwidth | Twitter
Age 27
Male
Seen August 19th, 2020
Posted August 12th, 2017
2,535 posts
15.5 Years
Bad idea. Not everyone uses current versions of Microsoft Word or Open Office, so not everyone can open .docs. Just copy and paste your story onto the forums themselves. There's really no reason why you'd need to compress.
All right... Then what format? No, I will not post chapter after chapter. Or I can just rename this when I have time to make the sequel. Yes, I figured out that I will end this after Chapter... 9 or 10? Still fixing up the full-scale plot and the biographies.
Also, the only reason why I use ".doc" is because I won't use ".docx" due to my school not being able to read ".docx" format. Yeah, I'm allowed to work there nad I have the best English in class, even though I follow the rules blindly and just use grammar correctly. The rest are just "0MG, NOE WYA! WT* IZ DIS? I CAN0TT RAED TIHS! Y0U IZ N00B!". Really, I saw some of their work.

EDIT:
~Plus, ".doc" files are existant since 1998, and if anyone can't read it, I'll just give them a ".txt" file to shut up. And if they can't afford it, there's a useful invention called piracy.

2ND EDIT:
~No, actually, this is my best language, not my first one. I am forced to read English and do English assignments. That reminds me... did I do my homework?

3RD EDIT:
~Yeah, I did. Means more time to listen to terrible soundtracks while writing Chapter 6. Although, I made a huge gap in there, so I'll just blindly add 900 words to it. *chuckles*

4TH EDIT:
In other words, as sleezy as Wario is, he probably won't be swearing in his commercials.
No, actually I watched his commercial. He did swear in it and I placed everything that I remember into it. Then I bought that game he was selled for about 18 minutes of my time and then I still have fun with it! Odd, because it sucks.

5TH EDIT:
~Well, this is technically my fourth, but I remembered that you mispelled "sleazy"!

6TH EDIT:
~Actually, Neo does give Sarina a book much later on, which explains why does he speak Japanese occasionally. That said, they also have Japanese last names for no reason what-so-ever. I was bored and playing Japanese games at the time.
I've been on this forum for about 10 years now. You guys wanna see a rare badge? I got some rare badges.
Age 27
Male
Seen August 19th, 2020
Posted August 12th, 2017
2,535 posts
15.5 Years
Okay, I had some spare time and blindly wrote 400 words and combined them with the supposed to be Chapter 7, but I decided that there shan't be nothing at the Lake of Rage. Yeah, Neo will not have a Shiny GYARADOS.

Chapter 6: Why has this happened to me?

Spoiler:
Chert…” Neo thought to himself in another language. He was standing under a dead tree as rainclouds gathered. He blindly ignored it and took out a light blue shard from his bag. As he looked into it with his merciless eyes, he clasped it harshly and put it back into his bag. As he ripped off some bark from the wood and got his pocketknife, he started carving on it.

Sarina quickly got up as she knew that she was late and ran outside. She looked around to see that Neo wasn’t there, but on her mailbox, there was something there. Sarina ran towards it and took the piece of wood. The words weren’t exactly what you’d like to call clear, but were incredibly legible.

“Sarina, I noticed that you have not done your part. I waited by that tree before dawn came up and, seeing that you never came, left to finish my quest. Someday, when I want you to go and find out more about me, I will send a pokemon to go and get you, preferably Pidgeott. I hope that you don’t take this personally, as I was running late.” Neo’s note read. On the bottom, he carved his name in Greek letters and Sarina knew that she was too late. She could not catch up to Neo no matter how hard she tried. As she went back home in sadness, she knew that Neo will come back… eventually…

---A few months later---

Sarina went outside for yet another lonely day. The cold air was filled with specks of snow as the wind went into Sarina’s face. She already turned 14 as she waited for Neo to come back. The snow was clear in front of Neo’s house and she knew that he might not come back as the coldness started to make her feel a bit sick.

Meanwhile, Neo was working at climbing Mt. Silver at the time. He found his way to a secret ocean and decided to rest there for the day. As he looked into the gloomy waters underneath him, a few Murkrow passed him. Neo felt something was stirring up on top of Mt. Silver… something that prickled him from the inside, just like an earthquake was crippling a city entirely. As Neo waited for Sarina to come as he sent his Pidgeott a few days ago, he began to worry about his friends and teammates that were somewhere far away and had no idea what was he up to.

Neo shook his head and with a swift jump, he was back to climbing the mountain. The mountain’s wall was rugged and filled with rocks which were hard to grasp onto. As snow fell down onto the ground gently, Neo kept on climbing Mt. Silver, even though it was hard enough to do so. Neo knew that he couldn’t stand the pain that his stomach was giving him, but it felt like a powerful aura was at the top, someone he knew from a while ago.

---Back at Ecruteak---

A Pidgeot was flying over Ecruteak City as Sarina was leaving back home. It gently landed in front of Sarina with a note attached to its powerful neck. Sarina took the note, which was wet and partially illegible, and seemed like it was drawn crudely on some kind of wood. As Sarina read it, she quickly ran back inside and got her bag.

As soon as she ran back outside to the snow that started falling faster and stronger, Sarina jumped onto the pokemon’s back. Neo has sent the message for her to come as he will be able to climb the rocky walls that stood in his path. Sarina held on tightly to the Pidgeot, which was Neo’s, as they flied quickly towards Mt. Silver’s peak, where Neo should be standing there. As Sarina saw a tiny speck waving close to the top of the mountain range, she braced for a harsh landing that never came.

As Pidgeott started spinning, Sarina fell down from its back as her life flashed in front of her eyes. Neo jumped out to catch her and just a short distance away from a long way down he got her with his muscular arms. She smiled as he put her back down. Neo turned around and looked back down, just to see Silver a short distance away. As Neo jumped on Pidgeott’s back and took Sarina with him, he flew to the top of the mountain.

“Neo… it’s me…” Sarina said quietly.

“And? I know that, Sarina, however, as I carved on the wood a long time ago, I would eventually come and get you. As we both know, I had a reason for Pidgeott to come, just so we can climb Mt. Silver. There is something stirring there, and I know it!” Neo exclaimed as Pidgeott raced towards the peak. He looked back at Silver who was still wasting his time climbing the mountain.

Once the two landed, Neo saw a huge purple portal. He returned Pidgeott once Sarina looked at the broken rocks that Mt. Silver had. Neo looked around as well, seeing that there weren’t any battle marks and looked again at the portal. He got Sarina to come to him with a rock and they threw it inside. The rock disappeared, and with a nod, Neo took Sarina’s arm and jumped in with her.

They were in a purple cylinder as Neo’s sensation stopped, and immediately thought “I know this place!"
I've been on this forum for about 10 years now. You guys wanna see a rare badge? I got some rare badges.

JX Valentine

Your aquatic overlord

Female
Harassing Bill
Seen August 19th, 2020
Posted December 8th, 2012
3,276 posts
19 Years
All right... Then what format? No, I will not post chapter after chapter.
Just copy and paste your story into the reply box, without the spoiler tags? =/ As I've said before, it's really no big deal to us to scroll through long chapters (and is, actually, the preferred format for posting stories because it's easier to handle).

Also, the only reason why I use ".doc" is because I won't use ".docx" due to my school not being able to read ".docx" format.
Okay, but that still doesn't mean that everyone can read them. For example, the reason why Mystery Pokémon Theater 3000 takes RTFs only? Because one member of our team uses an old computer with old software and therefore can't open DOCs. (No, I'm not recommending that you upload your story as an RTF, either.)

Furthermore, TXTs lose any formatting you're trying to use. It's not a good idea to upload your story as a TXT precisely because of that. (Unless, of course, you're not using formatting, which, judging by the first line of your sixth chapter, you are, considering you're using italics.)

Not to mention you want your story to be easily readable for everyone. Reworking your story to the TXT format for the sake of some members of your potential audience is double the work for you, and denying that potential audience the ability to read your work is not getting the complete range of readers you want. So, in short, it's your best interest to not upload your story in an attachment and, rather, simply copy and paste your story in the reply box the way the other stories on this forum do.

As a note to the edit about when DOCs were in use, yes, they aren't anything new, but before Word, most computers had Microsoft Works, meaning their documents were formatted as WPSs, not DOCs. As one who finally transitioned to Word after a computer that only had Works (and the computer was a 2003 model), I can verify that, yeah, there were (and still are) computers made fairly recently that can't support DOCs.

And if they can't afford it, there's a useful invention called piracy.
So, basically, you're advocating theft and illegal activity when the most you could do by getting pirated copies is at best demo versions (and yes, I admit I've tried when I was younger)? Geez, the least you could've done was suggest Open Office.

But in any case, no, it's still work for your audience. When you post on the series of tubes, you're attempting to entertain your audience. (Otherwise, there's no point in posting your work online because you have no need for the feedback of an audience on an open forum.) In order to do so, you need to make reading your fic as easy for them as possible. That includes cleaning up your spelling and grammar as well as presenting your story in an easy-to-read format. That way, they're not struggling to muddle through your errors (in order to figure out what you're trying to say) or open your story.

Besides, if you suggest downloading, you're still excluding the audience who have older, slower computers or slower connections. A word processor is by no means a small program. For example, just the installer for Open Office is over 140 MBs. That takes awhile for an old computer to download, let alone run. Not to mention if you're working with an outdated computer (because not all of us can afford to keep up), you have to go through compatibility issues. Long story short, it'd be murder to try to get a new word processor on an old computer, so it's not worth it.

Yeah, I'm allowed to work there nad I have the best English in class, even though I follow the rules blindly and just use grammar correctly.
Work here, you mean? Or work at your school?

In any case, that's great, but it still doesn't mean you shouldn't consider getting better betas. Point is, your English is readable, but it certainly can be better. If you want to write using the English language, you'll want to continue improving simply because it's what you're trying to do. After all, when you decide to take up a hobby like a sport, you want to improve because it's more enjoyable when you're good, am I right? Writing's the same thing. It gets more enjoyable the better you are at it. You can be a player who knows the very basics of football but can't quite get your foot to connect with the ball most of the time, or you can train yourself and learn more tricks and more rules to become an MVP. Understand where I'm coming from?

Point is, it's a comfort you're better than some of the other people in the fandom or at your school, but we're not comparing them to you. We're comparing you to you, and in that sense, what the others tend to do doesn't really mean a thing in terms of grammar and syntax.

And as you can tell in my review, you don't always use grammar correctly. Sorry to say that, but... yeah. Compared to them, sure, but standing alone, close but no cigar.

No, actually, this is my best language, not my first one.
I never said it was. In fact, I said that if it isn't you need a good beta whose first language is more than a number of others.

No, actually I watched his commercial. He did swear in it and I placed everything that I remember into it.
As far as I know, because Warioware is a game aimed at a general audience (not necessarily children but still), it doesn't swear in its commercials. Of course, this is also considering American commercials which has codes against this, so if anyone else would like to correct me.

~Well, this is technically my fourth, but I remembered that you mispelled "sleazy"!
I beg your pardon, but my point about your grammar will still have to stand. Yes, I made one error, and I apologize for that. However, please don't disregard the rest of my review for that.

~Actually, Neo does give Sarina a book much later on, which explains why does he speak Japanese occasionally. That said, they also have Japanese last names for no reason what-so-ever. I was bored and playing Japanese games at the time.
Still not a good reason to have random Japanese. Sorry. Please don't use a foreign language for no reason other than you think it's cool. I'm not sure how you would feel, but when I, for example, see Engrish, I'm less inclined to take the work seriously.
Professional ninja. May or may not actually be back. Here for the snark and banter at most.

Need some light reading?
Anima Ex Machina (Chapter 20 now available)
The Leaf Green Incident (SWC 2012 winner)
Braid (Creepypasta apparently)
Domain | Dreamwidth | Twitter
Age 27
Male
Seen August 19th, 2020
Posted August 12th, 2017
2,535 posts
15.5 Years
Hey! My PC is actually so old that it barely runs Windows 98! Then my dad found another computer in the garbage. Took a while to fix this one, though.

Also, I am trying to save the commercial onto my PC, then if it works good, my DS. I am trying all I can do.

Onto my English thing, I am stating that this is compared to my school, I have excellent grammar and I just use Japanese for fun because I am bored. Yeah, I'm just mixing up all the languages I know into something useless that wastes my time. Either way, I know I need some work on grammar, but do they teach us that here? Actually, do they even teach us anything?

Also, I am not encouraging piracy, but if you want something and you have no choice, what can it be? Also, I read through your mistakes and fixed what I saw was needed (all but 1 thing because it wouldn't make sense).
I've been on this forum for about 10 years now. You guys wanna see a rare badge? I got some rare badges.

JX Valentine

Your aquatic overlord

Female
Harassing Bill
Seen August 19th, 2020
Posted December 8th, 2012
3,276 posts
19 Years
Hey! My PC is actually so old that it barely runs Windows 98! Then my dad found another computer in the garbage. Took a while to fix this one, though.
That's cool. Still, your dad was probably cool enough to give it better software, maybe even wipe the old stuff out of the computer along with it. People like my family, unfortunately, know pretty much the bare basics about maintaining computers, so the hand-me-downs we got always ended up with low memory, old software (I swear, the computer I had before my first laptop ran on Windows 98 and still had games that looked exactly like Pong. It was kinda funny.), and a crappy connection to the internet. (Dial-up. Which, unfortunately, my parents still use. *facepalm*) It wasn't until I selected and bought my own computer (with Word bundled in) that I finally got something that wasn't slow and inclined to commit suicide and had the right software.

Either way, I know I need some work on grammar, but do they teach us that here? Actually, do they even teach us anything?
Not sure about your school system, but yeah, mine wasn't that great either. A lot of the stuff I know I just taught myself by reading articles online. Try the comma guide I gave you earlier. OWL at Purdue in general has a lot of guides and worksheets that make things clear and easy to learn. I wouldn't worry if school doesn't cover everything. If you've got the potential to learn (which I think you do), you'll be able to pick it up no problem by doing a little extra research on the side. Trust me. It's totally worth it.

but if you want something and you have no choice, what can it be?
True, but usually, there's better alternatives when it comes to programs. (Music and movies, that's a different story.) There's actually a lot of open source software out there (i.e., free to download and run), but the question is whether or not your computer can handle it, which goes back to the bit we were talking about earlier.

Not trying to argue with you. Just pointing you in the direction of some really cool stuff that doesn't have to be illegal.

Also, I read through your mistakes and fixed what I saw was needed (all but 1 thing because it wouldn't make sense).
Thanks. I'll go through the second chapter when I get a chance. It might take awhile, though.
Professional ninja. May or may not actually be back. Here for the snark and banter at most.

Need some light reading?
Anima Ex Machina (Chapter 20 now available)
The Leaf Green Incident (SWC 2012 winner)
Braid (Creepypasta apparently)
Domain | Dreamwidth | Twitter
Age 27
Male
Seen August 19th, 2020
Posted August 12th, 2017
2,535 posts
15.5 Years
You know...? It might help if you could be my beta reader. Mainly because the last chapter in this series is almost over and there is no smart beta reader in the school that knows my hobby. Luckily, I work so fast that I can have time to work on this in class.
I've been on this forum for about 10 years now. You guys wanna see a rare badge? I got some rare badges.
Age 27
Male
Seen August 19th, 2020
Posted August 12th, 2017
2,535 posts
15.5 Years
The last chapter in this book... or part of the full book anyway. I will make a new thread after I post this chapter in order to save space and time. Mainly because this was made 7+ after a few cut-downs. Yeah, I have the orginal document which I edit for PC.

Chapter 7: Neo and the Distortion World!

Spoiler:
“What… is this place?” Sarina asked Neo while cowering in fear. There were walls with ground on them, trees appearing and disappearing, holes through the ground, and a purple background everywhere. A bit farther off, there was a large amount of calm water that was up vertically, but never fell down to the ground below. As Neo found a rock and threw it at a piece of ground, a tree blasted up and fell back down. Neo carefully took a few steps, looked around and turned back at Sarina.

“There is nothing to be afraid of, Sarina; however we might want to be a bit more careful. This is the Distortion World, where the laws of physics cannot apply correctly.” Neo explained.

“How did this world came to be?”

“That, I cannot explain. Other than us, there is only 1 other life form, and it may be anywhere at this moment. This world is dangerous as we can get lost easily and there are holes through the ground. As you can see, we are no longer in Johto, but instead the Distortion World.” Neo continued. As he showed the universe to Sarina, they went towards a wall. There were trees on it and Neo jumped up. He landed onto the wall and pulled Sarina to him. As a dark silhouette passed the two by, Neo jumped and got a PokeBall out.

Neo pulled it back immediately as he knelt down as the shape disappeared. Sarina quickly ran to Neo, while he scuffled over to a tree. The tree did not disappear, and Neo held onto a branch. He pulled the branch down and ripped it off the tree. He took a leaf and squeezed some dew out of it. He drank the dew and quickly stood up. The leaf flew swiftly towards Sarina and as she caught it, she felt its rough texture past its nice blue covers. She threw the leaf away and Neo was already gone by the time the leaf landed quietly.

In the Distortion World, Neo was walking quietly away from Sarina and threw a piece of paper down with some writing on it. From the bottom, 2 red eyes appeared and nodded.

“Neo!” Sarina shouted and ran towards him “Why are we here, anyway?”

Neo took a piece of paper and wrote something on it. Sarina was wondering what he was writing, but before she could jump Neo, he already threw the sheet down. Sarina wanted to jump down after it, but Neo grabbed her by the collar and pulled her back. There was no reason to chase after it, as it was gone already. Neo jumped from one wall to another continuously until he reached a water bank. Even though they were at a vertical slope, the water was calm and not rushing to get to the ground. Neo took a bit of water and let go of it, yet the water never moved. It just stood there suspiciously.

Neo looked towards several pieces of land and ran towards it. Sarina ran closely after him and saw the floating water. Neo jumped from the land and landed on a tiny piece of land slightly farther. Sarina ran after him and tripped on an appearing tree and disappeared. Neo rapidly jumped down and flew after her. As he grabbed her by the arms, he braced for the impact, but stopped in midair and fell down a small amount to another wall. Neo let go of Sarina, just to see something shine in the distance. He ran towards it and almost fell into the murky depth below.

Crud, this place is impossible to navigate. I know I left a map around here somewhere… yet where?” Neo thought to himself. He knew that the depths were crossable, but it wouldn’t be easy. He looked at the shining light and mumbled something. Sarina ran to him as pieces of land were starting to crumble together from the depths of nothing. She saw him going across the land while still mumbling something in a language that was not understandable.

Etorni warinu uniskenn Arlan… Etorni warinu unihossut Erif… Etorni warinu univortt Exis…” Neo continued to mumble as he passed across with Sarina running after him. Neo went to another piece of land and as soon as Sarina finished following him, Neo stopped and the land faded off into the sinister world that they entered. Neo looked down and saw a hole at the bottom where the refreshing light appeared. Neo looked up and saw a figure fly over the pair. Sarina hugged Neo as he looked around.

“Sarina… I will return once more… Behind you will appear a new portal… You must take it…” Neo told Sarina “Also, this will not be the last time we shall meet together. I know that you, your Eevee, Ponyta, and Hitmonlee shall become powerful, that much I know. However, all stories must come to an end… and this one shall, if you haven’t known…” Neo finished.

“Can you repeat that in English?”

“I was speaking English, Sarina!”

“No, you were mumbling something when we were going across the gloomy depths... What was that?”

No! She is figuring out my past! There must be something to hide it… but she may figure out everything as soon as I leave her… Oddly enough, I must tell her all, yet I cannot leave my past. Then be it, I will tell her everything when everything is at stake…” Neo thought. Neo started moving backwards and said one last thing “Sarina… remember me as I was… You will know everything sooner or later… So, you will know it all…”

Neo jumped down and fell into the portal at the bottom. A portal soon formed behind Sarina and she followed Neo’s command. She went into the portal, crying, which left that story… and began a new dimension…

Some stories have a happy end, some not. All have a beginning, middle, and end, but this story will not finish yet. It might eventually, but not yet.


~Also, I made some odd language in this chapter that will make Neo know so many languages that you can easily lose track of them. He has a past and it will be explained in the new thread.
I've been on this forum for about 10 years now. You guys wanna see a rare badge? I got some rare badges.