Slipping in
just in the nick of time.
As a note, one thing you generally don't want to do when posting your work on a forum is to change the font colors. Nitpick, yeah, but it's mostly because you don't know what theme your readers are using, so you may inadvertently be posting a color they can't actually read without highlighting or changing styles. So, it's just easier to simply have naked text.
That said…
They had control over us within 8 months,
Nitpick: For all numbers from zero to ninety-nine, you actually should write them out. There's certain instances in which you wouldn't (dates, times, and addresses, for example), but for the rest, it's just one of those oddities that you do.
This is my story, and how I changed the world.
Tip: When inserting a comma before a conjunction into a sentence, try replacing it with a period first. If both resulting sentences are complete on their own, you're creating a compound. If not, look to see if there's a list of three or more items. If you don't, then the comma most likely isn't needed.
The stone room was filled with other females of the same age as I.
This sentence seems a bit awkward in my mind, in part because of the word "I" here. I is a subject pronoun, so it wouldn't be used in this part of the sentence. However, you could say "the same age as me," given that "me" is an object pronoun.
Also, I don't think the word "of" really should be here.
When we hit age 11 we learn that our Indescribable owners would most of the time be male,
You actually switch tenses here, going from past tense to present ("learn") and then back to past after this point. You'll want to avoid doing that for the sake of consistency.
The other woman around me
Women (because you're talking about more than one here).
but suddenly remembering today was “the day”.
First, periods and commas go inside the quotation marks (if you're going with American grammar).
Second, I feel like there's something missing here. It looks like this part is a dependent clause that's supposed to be the introduction to the rest of the sentence, but you don't really go on to form a complete thought here.
My color was a fire red with gold trim that laced the low neck line and hem, a single ruby lay on my upper breasts.
This may be a comma splice. Try replacing the comma with a period. If what you get are two separate sentences, add an "and" right after the comma. (You do this again later on, so it's just best to try the period test whenever you get to a comma.)
money from the olden days was extremely valuable, and forbidden for humans to have.
Oddly enough, this is one of those examples in which if you inserted the comma, you'd come up with one complete sentence and one incomplete. That is, no comma here.
But here mom was,
Because "mom" is taking the place of her name, you'll need to capitalize it.
“I love you, Kiera”
First, you'll need a period after Kiera because this is a complete sentence. Second, I'd recommend putting this in its own paragraph because it's dialogue and not related to the action and description in the paragraphs surrounding it.
but they were all much to perfect,
Be careful about your typos. I know you know the difference between to and too because you go on to use the correct word in the same sentence, but here, it's really just a matter of maybe getting your beta to take a closer look.
We weren’t allowed to look at our holder’s faces,
Because "holders" is plural here, you actually want the apostrophe after the S. Otherwise, you end up saying it's singular, which goes against the fact that "faces" is plural.
their new Master’s pleased at their purchase, walking away, to their new shiny cars.
Because this isn't a sentence on its own, don't use the semicolon to lead into it. (Semicolons are for
these purposes.) Also, you might as well drop the apostrophe in "Masters" because it's not a possessive.
He seemed intrigued by my behavior. He was tall though, on the pole that I was tied to I was 5’11, my normal height being 5’7. He looked me squarely in the eyes. I looked away, nearly caught in his stare. He turned away from me and I thought he was going to go look at my neighbor.
The repetition of the same word at the beginning of a sentence tends to either slow down the pace of the story or create a choppy feel. It's really only used when the writer is trying either to emphasize something extremely important or to build suspense.
“That one?” He said.
Two things. First, remember that when you change speakers, you're actually supposed to begin a new paragraph because you're treating the new speaker as a new topic. Also, it's easier for the reader to figure out who's speaking; otherwise, you're implying that the first speaker is also saying the lines you meant for the second.
Second, whenever you do a dialogue tag (the part that says "he said"), don't capitalize the first word if the quote it's attached to comes before it. Basically, the tag is a modifier: a part of speech that describes something else. In this case, the tag modifies the quote in that it describes who's saying what and how it's being said. That is, the modifier is not a sentence on its own because it needs to be attached to something. Ergo, if the thing it's attached to comes before the tag, then you don't capitalize the tag because it's not the beginning of the sentence. After, and it's fine.
“I believe price wont matter.
Again, be very careful about proofreading. "Wont" is actually a word that means "custom" or "habit." The word you want here is just an apostrophe off: won't. So, because both are real words, you probably won't get the spell check to pick it up.
of he really meant it.
I'm thinking you mean "or" here, but you may also be meaning "or if." It's a bit difficult to tell.
He had ordered therefore I had to obey.
And therefore, with a comma after "ordered." The reason why is because "therefore" by itself isn't a conjunction that connects a compound sentence.
but that didn’t dull out the horrible beauty of this mansion.
Dull, not dull out. You really don't say dull out.
It was four stories high with trees at every first story window.
Do you mean actually painted on the windows or planted outside and possibly actually taller than the first story? I'm having a bit of difficulty really getting an image of this place.
Come to think of it, same thing can be said of the Indescribables. You say that they're humanoid aliens with certain features, but it's not entirely clear what sets them apart from normal humans other than the fact that they're perfect. Even then, it's not entirely made clear what perfect actually defines. I would suggest straying from adjectives like "perfect" and going for concrete images like "he had a square jaw and unblemished skin."
I'd also be wary about turning these characters into Gary Stus or Mary Sues, or
characters so perfect they're actually not believable. Characters like that tend to make it difficult to take the fic seriously because it's harder for the reader to get a good grasp on the character without feeling as if the character's only a certain set of traits, rather than an actual living being, if that makes sense. If not, I'm just saying a perfect character (and I'm not just talking about the Indescribables here) tend to be less interesting for a reader than someone who's not and can live with their flaws like a real person.
that you could see,
Although it's a first-person narration, avoid the use of the second person (you and all related pronouns) because it feels like you're breaking the fourth wall.
This though must have been his entering room.
Drop the "though" here. It really doesn't serve too much of a purpose in this sentence, particularly because you're not really contradicting anything.
“Its time
Another thing to be very careful about. Its is a possessive pronoun, so whenever you use it, you're saying that something belongs to something else. It's is a contraction for "it is." You'll want the latter here.
It's something that you'd catch with careful proofreading either on your part or your beta's. Unfortunately, spell check's useless when it comes to stuff like this, but don't worry. You'll learn how to check yourself with enough practice.
Jason was standing their
Same thing here. Their is a possessive. There, an adverb referring to a place.
In general, you'll really want to memorize as many common homophones as you can so you don't end up confusing them. That way, you'll be able to check yourself and avoid leaving in odd errors.
in all his perfect beauty, watching us laugh, a grin spread across his face, his dark green eyes light with humor.
I feel as if this may be a bit too wordy. You add more and more dependent clauses to this sentence, so it's difficult to tell if you're going into a new sentence (which would mean there's a comma splice here) or if you're simply trying to describe one object with three dependent clauses. Either way, I would suggest splitting this up into multiple sentences.
Now, for the general review, let's start with the bad bits to get them out of the way quickly.
First and foremost, you'll want a beta. Not sure if you already have one or if you're doing your proofreading by yourself, but either way, I highly recommend you work with one so he or she could explain with more depth than I could (in a review, at least) about paragraphing, commas, and all sorts of other fun stuff. You've got a lot of grammar oddities that make your work difficult to read, particularly when it comes to dialogue, when you've got both paragraphing issues
and run-ons going on.
Second, your description needs a bit of work. As in, you start to describe things, but you don't really describe enough and end up relying on vague words like "beautiful" and "perfect." Remember that your reader has different definitions than you do. For example, I burst into laughter when I saw Edward Cullen sparkle in the
Twilight movie. The fangirls behind me went crazy. You'll want to go into specifics unless you want us to form our own images of what we're seeing here.
Third, characterization. Yeah, I'd hate to say it, but you'll want to read that Mary Sue link I gave you awhile back. There are times when I just thought I was reading one, and on top of that, it feels like aside from a loose personality, there's not much to know about these characters, particularly the speaker. I really didn't hear her voice because she's at most described as docile and pretty. She describes her surroundings, but she doesn't really react to them. Likewise, Jason seems like the debonair, slightly aggressive love interest who instantly loves Kiera. While it's the first chapter, I really hope there's more to him than that because if we go with that kind of formula, the rest of the story just feels predictable. Really work on creating believable, multi-faceted characters because a character who reacts in a realistic manner and seems to have some kind of depth will make the story itself interesting because the character will make the story come alive.
Fourth, and this is more of a minor point, but I was having some difficulty really imagining what time period this takes place in. There's futuristic locks and aliens, but other than that, it feels like it takes place in the past because you've got this huge house filled with servants who are essentially bought as slaves in a market that reminds me of a scene in
Uncle Tom's Cabin. While that's not necessarily a bad thing, it would be interesting if you went into more detail about how this guy is an alien and what this futuristic society is like. Remember, all of this is vastly different from modern times, and the figures who are essentially alien oppressors are
not human. Both would, I imagine, be a very big deal unless Kiera is
that docile.
Now, on to the positive stuff. Namely, the plot because it was interesting. You've got a really fascinating concept here. You've got humanity being sold into slavery to an alien race, and moreover, humanity has no problem with this. In a sense, it reminds me of an RPG called Palace of the Keys, which, um, was all about sex slaves in a giant mansion. So, it's a bit kinky to think that there's this pretty guy who's buying up these gorgeous women for the sole purpose of being his servants and quite possibly his harem (as it seems to have been hinted by the bit about how the girls all want attention from him, with some receiving the special attention Kiera got at the end of the latest chapter).
Moreover, you've got a lot of potential here outside of romance: politics, science-fiction, a whole world that's meant to be attached to ours in that it's the future while it's still very alien to your reader. In other words, there's a lot of doors that can open for you and a lot of possibilities for you to play with in order to make the world intriguing and the plot riveting. My advice is don't get
too caught up in the romance. While it's one part of the fic, remember that it's not
all of it. Take some time, as I've said before, to note what's going on and do some extra world building to help us understand how the culture came to be the way it is and who and what the Indescribables are.
Not to mention you've got potential here for some nice romance and catfighting. Kiera's already made a nice enemy out of Samna and half the other girls, friends out of Briana and Sheila, and a lover out of Jason. It would be interesting to see how each relationship develops, particularly the first one with Samna and the other girls. (Because conflict is interesting, really.)
In all, you've got some interesting concepts and a lot of potential for plot here. You just need to polish things up and be wary of your characters and the world around them. Good luck with future chapters.