Indescribable

Started by Rose M.M February 18th, 2009 5:22 PM
  • 853 views
  • 4 replies

Rose M.M

The cake was a lie! D:

Age 31
Female
Wherever there is a laptop!
Seen May 3rd, 2010
Posted August 1st, 2009
50 posts
14.3 Years
Rating: T-14+
Mild violence
Mild sexual content
Mild language
R&R Please! :]


Indescribable


Prologue


In a world where the humans are enslaved to the Indescribable, there is no freedom. We are the inferior race, we are not equal, and we are insignificant. We have been enslaved since 2049. They came on January 18, 2048. They had control over us within 8 months, declaring their dominance over us once half of our population was dead. We will now go to the year 30,009, under the rule of Indescribable Shieo. This is my story, and how I changed the world. This is the story of how I died.


~Chapter 1~

In the year 30,009



I woke at 6:00 to the sound of the great metal gong getting beaten. I groaned and lit the candle by my small cot. The stone room was filled with other females of the same age as I.

We all would be turning 16 today, the day we use what we’ve been taught once we were sold to an Indescribable.

Since age 4 we have been learning the methods of cleaning, washing, cooking, and care. When we hit age 11 we learn that our Indescribable owners would most of the time be male, and we learned that we must know how to satiate the longing of desire he or she may get. We started to learn how to read and write when we were 13 and up. Age 16 is when we were sold. Today my friends and I would be taken out to the market for the first time, collared, bathed, and clothed, waiting for our new owner to come and choose us.

The other woman around me roused grumpily, but suddenly remembering today was “the day”. We all got up, stretching as much as the small stone room would allow. Single file we all left the room, heading for the wash, where we would get thoroughly cleaned, fully dressed, and well fed for the first time.

I entered my small tub of water, awaiting the shower to turn on. The water was warm for the first time, the soap the fancy fragrant kind, and the clothes that we got were the nicest we had ever worn.

We all wore a different colored short dress that had a single gem in the middle where the breast cleavage began, with matching strap sandals. My color was a fire red with gold trim that laced the low neck line and hem, a single ruby lay on my upper breasts. The women, who took care of us all since our birth, collared us with grim faces, whispering small goodbyes, a short sharing of tears and small tokens handed neatly and hidden well in hair.


My “mother” kissed my forehead and tucked away two quarters in my hair. I gave her a shocked expression; money from the olden days was extremely valuable, and forbidden for humans to have. But here mom was, giving me these precious items. I opened my mouth for thanks but her warm hand covered my mouth. “Say nothing; it is a gift, hopefully your Master or Mistress will let you go out to look around and you can buy yourself something nice…” Her eyes warned me that running away was futile, there was no where to run. There was no rebellion to run to. This was just how earth was now; it was an excepted, unwanted, fact.

She put a lock of my light brown hair back in place, her brown eyes mirroring my frightened blue ones. Then I felt the strong arms of a holder take me by the waist and drag me away into the cart with other teary eyed captives like myself. The metal door clanged shut and even over the whines and crying coming from inside my metal prison and outside I managed to hear my mother’s last parting words. “I love you, Kiera” And then the roar of the engine sputtered to life, and I could hear no more as we were towed away from the only faces that we could call ‘family’.






Rose M.M
:P
I'm enjoying life while it's still there to have!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My Pair:

:t370:The Wave:t370:



(I'm in love with him still~)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My PC Family


~Ruphire~

(Brother)
Seen September 24th, 2020
Posted November 26th, 2018
2,143 posts
14.7 Years
I really like it. But, you said money was forbidden for humans to own. Well, wouldn't she be illegal if the master/mistress let her go out to buy something? I mean, it is forbidden.. unless she isn't human.

Er.. you should also consider adding more to each chapter. That was short, and I zipped through it it no time. So, just sit down and write.

Rose M.M

The cake was a lie! D:

Age 31
Female
Wherever there is a laptop!
Seen May 3rd, 2010
Posted August 1st, 2009
50 posts
14.3 Years
I really like it. But, you said money was forbidden for humans to own. Well, wouldn't she be illegal if the master/mistress let her go out to buy something? I mean, it is forbidden.. unless she isn't human.

Er.. you should also consider adding more to each chapter. That was short, and I zipped through it it no time. So, just sit down and write.
Thanks =] I started this a year or two ago and have now just decided to continue it. I'll work on it more. And why must you think so far ahead? >.> Nah just kidding, I have a fun little surprise further on, I'll put a few more chapters I've already done up and see if they keep your interest. Thanks so much though for reading.
Rose M.M
:P
I'm enjoying life while it's still there to have!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My Pair:

:t370:The Wave:t370:



(I'm in love with him still~)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My PC Family


~Ruphire~

(Brother)

Rose M.M

The cake was a lie! D:

Age 31
Female
Wherever there is a laptop!
Seen May 3rd, 2010
Posted August 1st, 2009
50 posts
14.3 Years
The Choosing
When we reached the center of town I was scared, too scared to think. The back of the van opened up and we were roughly yanked outside to the gray sky and the black clouds of smoke coming from the thousands of work factories.

Since we were all shoved inside the small back of the van none of our dresses were wrinkled and hair wasn’t messed up. Some of us had to have our hair re-brushed. Not because we wanted it to be, but because they wanted to sell us all, so we all had to look completely attractive.

We were stationed in the center of town, horrified as we realized, we were the only humans there. The rest all were… Indescribable. They looked so human, but they were all much to perfect, much too beautiful, much too strong. Nothing could describe them, so they remained Indescribable. I saw a few of their kind looking at us, appraising us. They all were male. I felt the yank on my collar chain pull me toward to a pole, where I would be securely tied until I was bought. We weren’t allowed to look at our holder’s faces, but we all could feel their alien presence when they touched our skin.

When we were all tied up to their satisfaction they sat in the back, waiting.

Many came up to look at us; too many came up to me looking my body up and down. That’s when I noticed why they were Indescribable. They were perfect. Nothing could match their beauty, nothing could match the clear color of their eyes, nothing could match their beautiful flawless skin, and nothing could match their cruelty that seemed to be etched into their very walk.

I saw a few of my room mates sold; their new Master’s pleased at their purchase, walking away, to their new shiny cars. It was only an hour before he came.

He had a perfect face; his hair was as black as midnight, his eyes were such a dark green, his nose, his mouth, he, was the most beautiful and Indescribable thing I have ever seen today. The other Indescribable had been very attractive, some gorgeous. But he was beautiful.

He looked over all the females, tracing their sides, sliding their hair in between his slender but obviously strong fingers. When he came over to me all I could do was smile at him and ignore his probing. He seemed intrigued by my behavior. He was tall though, on the pole that I was tied to I was 5’11, my normal height being 5’7. He looked me squarely in the eyes. I looked away, nearly caught in his stare. He turned away from me and I thought he was going to go look at my neighbor. But he walked behind me. Looking over at my papers that explained who I was and how I behaved.

“I want her, the one with the beautiful ruby, and incredible smile.” His voice was enchanting; it was like white satin, smooth and creamy. But my body turned rigid when I heard the holder laugh, finally hearing his voice. “That one?” He said. His voice was low, not attractive. “She’s been asked for regularly today. She’s our little prize. No one has been able to afford her though.” I was certain the holder was lying, but then again, I had noticed a lot of Indescribable come behind me and start talking to the holder in hushed tones then walk away dejected.

“I believe price wont matter. I can afford her, now how much does she cost?” He sounded smug, obviously in a good mood. There was silence, and then the holder spoke. “I want 5,000 for her, human money.” The holder said. I didn’t know if he was just saying that to get the man to go away of he really meant it. “Yes, of course. Here you go.” I heard the small gasp of surprise come from the holder and the composed himself. “You may untie her and chain her, she is now yours to do with what you see fit.” The holder recited the releasing words. I was now his.

He came to my side and untied me easily. He then scooped me up in his arms like I was his new bride and headed straight for his new shiny Volvo. I gasped in surprise but restrained myself from holding onto his neck. He looked vaguely amused and set me in his back seat beside him. “To the house.” He said to the driver. “Yes sir” Was the reply. And we were off.

Enter His home
Once the car started moving he started talking. “Hello, my name is Jason the 9th. I’m sure you’re probably terrified at the moment though.” His voice was soft and calming now. “You’re free to speak; I am not like most Masters. I do not require you to call me ‘Master’ only Jason. I want you to treat me as a friend, a trusted companion.” Jason added. I did not respond. Jason smirked. “Tell me your name, and what you passed with flying colors at the training area.” He had ordered therefore I had to obey. “My name is Kiera, and I was talented in the reading, writing, cooking and…” My voice trialed off in slight embarrassment, he seemed please at my discomfort. His dark green eyes lit up as he pressed on. “And?” He asked casually. “The appeasement of my new Master.” I whispered feeling my face turn slightly red. His perfect eyebrows arched up. He wrapped his arm around my shoulders; I let out an involuntary shiver at his alien touch. He smiled, that smile stilled my breath in my chest. “All of those things that you were…best at, will be needed while you live here.” Was all he said, but his eyes gave away his obvious interest.

When we reached his house it was pouring rain outside, but that didn’t dull out the horrible beauty of this mansion. It was four stories high with trees at every first story window. The mansion was made out of a glossy dark blue marble, which gave it an eerie look that the house was melting away slowly, but it still stood. There were six chimneys that you could see, none that gave out any smoke. The main door was huge, eight or nine feet. The high arc on the door had dark red roses entwining with its metal frame. There were ten windows in the front that were visible, all brightly lit.

I stared at his house, so shocked I didn’t think I could move. My door suddenly opened and Jason was there, in the pouring rain, holding out his arm for me to take. I numbly got out of the car and into the rain. But after I had taken a few steps Jason pulled me back by my waist into an iron grasp. His lips were at my ear in an instant. “I’ll walk you in Kiera. Don’t worry. I don’t want you to get sick.” And with that I was once again in his arms and he was carrying me through the rain toward his, my, new home.

He opened the huge iron door with just as ease as he picked me up. I immediately felt the heated air from the house on my face.

The inside of his house was even more impressive than the outside. The walls were made of a light blue marble, but the floor was made of a midnight black marble. The place was so well light and warmed. I noticed as I was shivering from the rain, even in the heated room. This though must have been his entering room. It had no furniture accept a giant crystal chandelier that hung from the center of the midnight ceiling; it illuminated the whole room by itself. There were two spiraling staircases, one on the left and the other on the right of the room. Behind the staircases there was a door that let out delicious smells. I guessed it was the kitchen.

Jason set me down as a group of woman and men came out from the kitchen and down from the stairs. “Welcome back Master Jason!” The men politely bowed, most of their eyes intently checking my body thoroughly, but the women came rushing at him, giving themselves any excuse to touch him in some way. A hand on his shoulder, an arm around his waist. Jason simply lifted a hand and the women backed off, standing with pouting faces with the men.

“Allow me to introduce the newest member of our already large family.” Jason announced to the faces around him. The woman looked at me with distaste, just as they looked at one another I guessed when Jason gave out individual attention. The men just looked at me with an obvious interest. I felt Jason’s hand wrap around my waist and the woman glared at me even more. “So… why don’t you tell them your name? You can get around to the rest later.” Jason stated. I knew what he said sounded like a suggestion, but underneath it all it was an order. I took a deep breath, and stepped forward. Jason kept his hand lightly on my lower back.

“My name is Kiera.” I made sure my voice was strong, and my eyes as clear as a blue I could make them. “Hello Kiera.” They all chimed together. The women still looked at me with a death glare. Suddenly I was glad that the expression ‘If looks could kill’ was figurative.

“Jason” One of the women started. She had red hair and light green eyes. “Where will Kiera be staying?” I looked back at Jason, and he flashed a perfect smile at me. “I’m not sure; she’ll spend today with each assignment. Later on I’ll have the head leaders report to me and I’ll choose. Now… Briana, you’ll be escorting Kiera around today. Is that alright?” A short girl, around 4’7 with straight blond hair and very light blue eyes stepped forward. She smiled at me, not at Jason and spoke to me when she replied. “Of course I will be happy too. Follow me Kiera.” She came up to me, bowed her head slightly toward Jason then took my hand and led me out of the room. Jason chuckled and dismissed them all. “I do not wish to be disturbed by anyone but Kiera and Briana today. I will be in my room.” And then Briana and I were out of the room.

She turned and looked up at me, her welcoming smile now turned into a grin. “Your going to like it here, but don’t trust anyone here except myself of course, another girl named Sheila, two guys one named Brandon the other Charlie, and duh, Jason. The rest of the men will just try to get their hands up your skirt, and the women will try and trick you.” Her eyes held all sincerity. “I’m being honest with you; you’re the prettiest one here now. Samna used to be. She and Jason had this certain thing before but Jason started losing interest when he found out that she was sleeping with a few other humans here. She is going to hate you, because it’s obvious that Jason is very fond of you already.” I was a little shocked, because she was really being honest. Her eyes didn’t lie. “Thank you” I answered awkwardly. She smiled a comforting smile and took my hand again. “You’ll lose you shyness. I prefer to hear your voice. It’s like honey, and bells. Sweet and light. But don’t worry. I’ll provide most of the talk to spare you today.” And with that she towed me away. For her height and pixie looks she was amazingly strong.

While she took me up the flight of stairs she began to talk about the house, and naming each room. “Every room is open to the public. Accept Jason’s room. Well, I guess you could say no door is open to the public on the third floor, because that’s where we sleep. The second and fourth floor is open as well. On the fourth floor though the largest door at the end of the hall isn’t open to anyone but Jason. That’s his sleeping quarters. And another door by his room” And that’s how most of the afternoon went on. The house was easy to get lost in, but easy to find your way again.

Briana showed me to my room. I was sharing a room with her and Sheila. There was one window, looking out to the backyard. Three very comfortable looking beds were in a corner of the room. I was the bed that was next to the left of the window. There were small dressers by each bed; each had drawers that were locked. They could only be opened by the owner’s voice.

There was a small electric lamp next to each bedside dresser. Each little dresser had a mirror, hair brush, and a tooth brush. Two small doors were on the left wall. Briana informed me that the right one was the closet, the left one a small bathroom with a shower, sink, and toilet.

Our room number was #93. “Kiera, sorry, we can’t stay in the room forever. You have to go and try out in the kitchens, then the cleaning area, then the scribing area. You have a very busy day. You might even have to try for other things as well.” She sighed. Her little pixie face showed every sign of worry, her light blue eyes distracted. “Ah well. Come on. We have to go.” Briana said and grabbed my hand again. She led me down the third floor corridor, all the doors opened up. Some faces glared at me, some whistled and winked.

When we reached the first floor again we went swiftly into the kitchen. The smell of food was overwhelming. Another girl came up to us, she had dirty blonde hair and very light green eyes. She was very pretty. Her face had a few freckles, and her skin was a smudge darker than a normal blonde. Briana smiled at her warmly. “Hello Shelia,” Her voice was filled with friendship. Shelia looked at Briana then looked at me. Matching the warmth in Briana’s first welcoming smile to me. “Hey Briana, and you must be Kiera. It’s great to see you. I’m the head of the kitchen, be very thankful.” She smiled again. Briana laughed and pulled me forward. “I’m in charge of her today. You know, showing her the ropes. But be fair to her.” Briana teased. “She doesn’t really talk that much yet. She will soon though.” And Briana pushed me toward Shelia, sitting down in a stool casting me an amused glance. “Its time you showed us that you can cook. Cook something very tasty, and then you get to eat it.” Briana said as she noticed that my stomach was growling.

I gave her a nod then let Shelia drag me toward the refrigerator. “I don’t think I want to be a cook though” I said simply. I had been thinking about my new job ever since I was chosen and had already picked my favorite option, still hoping it was available. I knew cooking was an essential, but I didn’t want it to be my permanent job.

Briana looked at me, and then at Sheila, Sheila only laughed. “Then what do you want to do?” She asked me curiously. I could tell these two were going to be great friends of mine. They were so easy to talk to.

“I was wondering. Does Master, I mean Jason. Does he have any pets?” I looked up at them both, my deep blue eyes wide with innocence. Sheila grinned and tussled my hair like she was my big sister. “Yes he does, but no one is brave enough to take care of them. I think he will be pleased that someone wants to. Briana, go take her up to Jason. I think it would be a great job for her.” Sheila handed me an apple. “Just wait until dinner. Eat that when you’re really hungry.” She handed me a small pouch that could fit the apple inside of it. I hung it over my shoulder and stuck the apple inside of it. “Thank you, Sheila. I’ll come visit later. See you tonight.” Briana waved at Sheila and we both ran up to the stairs laughing the whole way. When we finally reached the fourth floor and to Jason’s huge door we were laughing and collapsing at the same time.

The door opened all the way without us even knocking. Jason was standing their in all his perfect beauty, watching us laugh, a grin spread across his face, his dark green eyes light with humor. “I’m glad you two are getting along so well. I’m sure this visit has some meaning though.” It took us both a minute or so to be able to compose ourselves and then finally look Jason into the eyes. Briana explained first. “She asked if you had any pets, Sheila answered her and so Kiera wanted to know if she could take care of them.” Briana waited, and Jason’s expression turned thoughtful. Time seemed to stop while he thought. “Yes you may Kiera. That will take off a lot of time from my hands when I need to be doing other things. Taking care of my pets will be your new job. Briana, you may go make the announcement. I will take things from here.” Briana just bowed politely then skipped away.

Jason took my waist and swung me into his room, closing the door swiftly and quietly behind him. He walked me into the room and set me on the bed.

My heart began to pound, I didn’t know what was about to happen… He grinned “I can hear your heart. It flatters me that you get so… nervous when I get close. But right now I will have to talk to you. I need to move you.” My face must have looked confused because he explained what he meant.

“The third floor is only one floor below me but my animals are on this fourth floor. They’re behind that door.” He pointed to the one in the back of room. It was huge, almost as big as his door. “So I’m going to have to move your room location. It will be the one beside my room.”

“That door.” He pointed to the one on his right wall. “Will lead to your new room. It’s your personal room. You may come in through that door whenever you feel it to be necessary to go see the animals. Now… One last thing.” He pushed me down on the bed with such speed and force I wasn’t sure if I might have been standing and simply fell.

In a moment he was on me, and my heart was pounding frantically. He touched his nose to mine, looking at me with his deep green eyes. Then he got up. “Sorry. I just wanted to hear your heart beat like that.” And he helped me up.

I gave him a playful glare then walked over to the door that he said had the animals in it. “How about we go in?” And he opened the door to a wholly different room.
Rose M.M
:P
I'm enjoying life while it's still there to have!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My Pair:

:t370:The Wave:t370:



(I'm in love with him still~)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My PC Family


~Ruphire~

(Brother)

JX Valentine

Your aquatic overlord

Female
Harassing Bill
Seen August 19th, 2020
Posted December 8th, 2012
3,276 posts
19 Years
Slipping in just in the nick of time.


As a note, one thing you generally don't want to do when posting your work on a forum is to change the font colors. Nitpick, yeah, but it's mostly because you don't know what theme your readers are using, so you may inadvertently be posting a color they can't actually read without highlighting or changing styles. So, it's just easier to simply have naked text.

That said…

They had control over us within 8 months,
Nitpick: For all numbers from zero to ninety-nine, you actually should write them out. There's certain instances in which you wouldn't (dates, times, and addresses, for example), but for the rest, it's just one of those oddities that you do.

This is my story, and how I changed the world.
Tip: When inserting a comma before a conjunction into a sentence, try replacing it with a period first. If both resulting sentences are complete on their own, you're creating a compound. If not, look to see if there's a list of three or more items. If you don't, then the comma most likely isn't needed.

The stone room was filled with other females of the same age as I.
This sentence seems a bit awkward in my mind, in part because of the word "I" here. I is a subject pronoun, so it wouldn't be used in this part of the sentence. However, you could say "the same age as me," given that "me" is an object pronoun.

Also, I don't think the word "of" really should be here.

When we hit age 11 we learn that our Indescribable owners would most of the time be male,
You actually switch tenses here, going from past tense to present ("learn") and then back to past after this point. You'll want to avoid doing that for the sake of consistency.

The other woman around me
Women (because you're talking about more than one here).

but suddenly remembering today was “the day”.
First, periods and commas go inside the quotation marks (if you're going with American grammar).

Second, I feel like there's something missing here. It looks like this part is a dependent clause that's supposed to be the introduction to the rest of the sentence, but you don't really go on to form a complete thought here.

My color was a fire red with gold trim that laced the low neck line and hem, a single ruby lay on my upper breasts.
This may be a comma splice. Try replacing the comma with a period. If what you get are two separate sentences, add an "and" right after the comma. (You do this again later on, so it's just best to try the period test whenever you get to a comma.)

money from the olden days was extremely valuable, and forbidden for humans to have.
Oddly enough, this is one of those examples in which if you inserted the comma, you'd come up with one complete sentence and one incomplete. That is, no comma here.

But here mom was,
Because "mom" is taking the place of her name, you'll need to capitalize it.

“I love you, Kiera”
First, you'll need a period after Kiera because this is a complete sentence. Second, I'd recommend putting this in its own paragraph because it's dialogue and not related to the action and description in the paragraphs surrounding it.

but they were all much to perfect,
Be careful about your typos. I know you know the difference between to and too because you go on to use the correct word in the same sentence, but here, it's really just a matter of maybe getting your beta to take a closer look.

We weren’t allowed to look at our holder’s faces,
Because "holders" is plural here, you actually want the apostrophe after the S. Otherwise, you end up saying it's singular, which goes against the fact that "faces" is plural.

their new Master’s pleased at their purchase, walking away, to their new shiny cars.
Because this isn't a sentence on its own, don't use the semicolon to lead into it. (Semicolons are for these purposes.) Also, you might as well drop the apostrophe in "Masters" because it's not a possessive.

He seemed intrigued by my behavior. He was tall though, on the pole that I was tied to I was 5’11, my normal height being 5’7. He looked me squarely in the eyes. I looked away, nearly caught in his stare. He turned away from me and I thought he was going to go look at my neighbor.
The repetition of the same word at the beginning of a sentence tends to either slow down the pace of the story or create a choppy feel. It's really only used when the writer is trying either to emphasize something extremely important or to build suspense.

“That one?” He said.
Two things. First, remember that when you change speakers, you're actually supposed to begin a new paragraph because you're treating the new speaker as a new topic. Also, it's easier for the reader to figure out who's speaking; otherwise, you're implying that the first speaker is also saying the lines you meant for the second.

Second, whenever you do a dialogue tag (the part that says "he said"), don't capitalize the first word if the quote it's attached to comes before it. Basically, the tag is a modifier: a part of speech that describes something else. In this case, the tag modifies the quote in that it describes who's saying what and how it's being said. That is, the modifier is not a sentence on its own because it needs to be attached to something. Ergo, if the thing it's attached to comes before the tag, then you don't capitalize the tag because it's not the beginning of the sentence. After, and it's fine.

“I believe price wont matter.
Again, be very careful about proofreading. "Wont" is actually a word that means "custom" or "habit." The word you want here is just an apostrophe off: won't. So, because both are real words, you probably won't get the spell check to pick it up.

of he really meant it.
I'm thinking you mean "or" here, but you may also be meaning "or if." It's a bit difficult to tell.

He had ordered therefore I had to obey.
And therefore, with a comma after "ordered." The reason why is because "therefore" by itself isn't a conjunction that connects a compound sentence.

but that didn’t dull out the horrible beauty of this mansion.
Dull, not dull out. You really don't say dull out.

It was four stories high with trees at every first story window.
Do you mean actually painted on the windows or planted outside and possibly actually taller than the first story? I'm having a bit of difficulty really getting an image of this place.

Come to think of it, same thing can be said of the Indescribables. You say that they're humanoid aliens with certain features, but it's not entirely clear what sets them apart from normal humans other than the fact that they're perfect. Even then, it's not entirely made clear what perfect actually defines. I would suggest straying from adjectives like "perfect" and going for concrete images like "he had a square jaw and unblemished skin."

I'd also be wary about turning these characters into Gary Stus or Mary Sues, or characters so perfect they're actually not believable. Characters like that tend to make it difficult to take the fic seriously because it's harder for the reader to get a good grasp on the character without feeling as if the character's only a certain set of traits, rather than an actual living being, if that makes sense. If not, I'm just saying a perfect character (and I'm not just talking about the Indescribables here) tend to be less interesting for a reader than someone who's not and can live with their flaws like a real person.

that you could see,
Although it's a first-person narration, avoid the use of the second person (you and all related pronouns) because it feels like you're breaking the fourth wall.

This though must have been his entering room.
Drop the "though" here. It really doesn't serve too much of a purpose in this sentence, particularly because you're not really contradicting anything.

“Its time
Another thing to be very careful about. Its is a possessive pronoun, so whenever you use it, you're saying that something belongs to something else. It's is a contraction for "it is." You'll want the latter here.

It's something that you'd catch with careful proofreading either on your part or your beta's. Unfortunately, spell check's useless when it comes to stuff like this, but don't worry. You'll learn how to check yourself with enough practice.

Jason was standing their
Same thing here. Their is a possessive. There, an adverb referring to a place.

In general, you'll really want to memorize as many common homophones as you can so you don't end up confusing them. That way, you'll be able to check yourself and avoid leaving in odd errors.

in all his perfect beauty, watching us laugh, a grin spread across his face, his dark green eyes light with humor.
I feel as if this may be a bit too wordy. You add more and more dependent clauses to this sentence, so it's difficult to tell if you're going into a new sentence (which would mean there's a comma splice here) or if you're simply trying to describe one object with three dependent clauses. Either way, I would suggest splitting this up into multiple sentences.


Now, for the general review, let's start with the bad bits to get them out of the way quickly.

First and foremost, you'll want a beta. Not sure if you already have one or if you're doing your proofreading by yourself, but either way, I highly recommend you work with one so he or she could explain with more depth than I could (in a review, at least) about paragraphing, commas, and all sorts of other fun stuff. You've got a lot of grammar oddities that make your work difficult to read, particularly when it comes to dialogue, when you've got both paragraphing issues and run-ons going on.

Second, your description needs a bit of work. As in, you start to describe things, but you don't really describe enough and end up relying on vague words like "beautiful" and "perfect." Remember that your reader has different definitions than you do. For example, I burst into laughter when I saw Edward Cullen sparkle in the Twilight movie. The fangirls behind me went crazy. You'll want to go into specifics unless you want us to form our own images of what we're seeing here.

Third, characterization. Yeah, I'd hate to say it, but you'll want to read that Mary Sue link I gave you awhile back. There are times when I just thought I was reading one, and on top of that, it feels like aside from a loose personality, there's not much to know about these characters, particularly the speaker. I really didn't hear her voice because she's at most described as docile and pretty. She describes her surroundings, but she doesn't really react to them. Likewise, Jason seems like the debonair, slightly aggressive love interest who instantly loves Kiera. While it's the first chapter, I really hope there's more to him than that because if we go with that kind of formula, the rest of the story just feels predictable. Really work on creating believable, multi-faceted characters because a character who reacts in a realistic manner and seems to have some kind of depth will make the story itself interesting because the character will make the story come alive.

Fourth, and this is more of a minor point, but I was having some difficulty really imagining what time period this takes place in. There's futuristic locks and aliens, but other than that, it feels like it takes place in the past because you've got this huge house filled with servants who are essentially bought as slaves in a market that reminds me of a scene in Uncle Tom's Cabin. While that's not necessarily a bad thing, it would be interesting if you went into more detail about how this guy is an alien and what this futuristic society is like. Remember, all of this is vastly different from modern times, and the figures who are essentially alien oppressors are not human. Both would, I imagine, be a very big deal unless Kiera is that docile.

Now, on to the positive stuff. Namely, the plot because it was interesting. You've got a really fascinating concept here. You've got humanity being sold into slavery to an alien race, and moreover, humanity has no problem with this. In a sense, it reminds me of an RPG called Palace of the Keys, which, um, was all about sex slaves in a giant mansion. So, it's a bit kinky to think that there's this pretty guy who's buying up these gorgeous women for the sole purpose of being his servants and quite possibly his harem (as it seems to have been hinted by the bit about how the girls all want attention from him, with some receiving the special attention Kiera got at the end of the latest chapter).

Moreover, you've got a lot of potential here outside of romance: politics, science-fiction, a whole world that's meant to be attached to ours in that it's the future while it's still very alien to your reader. In other words, there's a lot of doors that can open for you and a lot of possibilities for you to play with in order to make the world intriguing and the plot riveting. My advice is don't get too caught up in the romance. While it's one part of the fic, remember that it's not all of it. Take some time, as I've said before, to note what's going on and do some extra world building to help us understand how the culture came to be the way it is and who and what the Indescribables are.

Not to mention you've got potential here for some nice romance and catfighting. Kiera's already made a nice enemy out of Samna and half the other girls, friends out of Briana and Sheila, and a lover out of Jason. It would be interesting to see how each relationship develops, particularly the first one with Samna and the other girls. (Because conflict is interesting, really.)

In all, you've got some interesting concepts and a lot of potential for plot here. You just need to polish things up and be wary of your characters and the world around them. Good luck with future chapters.
Professional ninja. May or may not actually be back. Here for the snark and banter at most.

Need some light reading?
Anima Ex Machina (Chapter 20 now available)
The Leaf Green Incident (SWC 2012 winner)
Braid (Creepypasta apparently)
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