In the Beginning...[10+]

Started by The Gaurdian February 19th, 2009 1:53 PM
  • 783 views
  • 7 replies

The Gaurdian

a change in your demeanour.

Age 29
colorado springs, colorado
Seen September 26th, 2010
Posted May 3rd, 2010
278 posts
14.3 Years
[note: if you have read/ seen this anywhere before, this is my Fan Fic, so dont go flaming me just because you read the same basic idea before. if you have a problem, thats your problem not mine.]

The Book of Beginnings.Section one.

The Book of Beginnings.Section one.
In the beginning, There was a swirling mass of chaos, and from it came an egg. And from the egg, Arceus, Ruler of Eternity, The God of all Pokemon. Arceus lived alone in the universe, then the size of a grain of sand. But it was driven to create.


Being lonely The Master held out his hands and made:
Dialga, the King of Time
Palkia, the Emperor of Space
Then The Master put his two hands in the shape of a cup, and Girantia, Pokemon of Dimensions was born.
Girantia vanished to another dimension (later revealed to be the reverse world only to return every so often) and the other two set about creating the galaxies as we know them. None saw Girantia for millions of years, but he would return to sow his deeds in the soils of space


Then to be his eyes and ears, he made Lugia and Ho-oh, and to help them, Latias and Latios. there were to report to him on everything that happened, even if it was against their brethen. And so they set out, Lugia and Ho-oh to see and hear everything that those creating did, and Latias and Latios to relay the reports.


But the Master was unsatisfied with the emptiness of the universe, so he then
created more eggs:
Uxie (Knowledge),
Mesprit (Emotion),
and Azelf (Willpower), the Pokemon of Thoughts. These eggs stayed dormant, for a time, for the master knew that even his children would fall to darkness. as proved by the Roserade Wars


Meanwhile, another egg emerged from the Master:
Cresselia. It and Dialga and Palkia now created the stars in the sky, and the
many planets and moons. for even Dialga and Palkia could not make stuff on there own.


Meanwhile, yet more Pokemon were separated from the form of The One:
Rayquaza, Ruler of the Skies
Kyogre, King of the Seas
and Groudon, Titan of Earth.


These three, however, broke away from the Emotions and began to wreak havoc on a certain world: The Pokemon World, defining it from all other worlds.


In the horrendous clash, continents were shaped, clouds formed, and seas stormed. A battle that could have ended all waged. The war was waged by the pokemon of the respective elements, ground, water, and the sky. the skies were full of pokemon droping rock and dive bombing being, the seas were spouting towers of water, and large walls of water would rush to land, and moutians would explode of fire and bolders were flung from those who could throw them. They waged their war, and it went unnoticed for centurys. Untill Lugia, came across the world, knowing that it could destroy the planet she sent her messenger to their lord.


Eventually, after trying to calm his children, the Master was forced to make a pokemon that did not fit the mould: Deoxys.


Deoxys was the first pokemon created by The Master in multitude. Made to be foot troops, thousands of them descended to the newly formed planet. at first the titans war still waged, but the Deoxie(plure form) swarmed. they breached the defences of the sky pokemon, decended into the seas, and then marched onto the beaches of land. nothing would stand in their way, and only The Master could control them. the pokemon titans were forced to unite and after nearly a century were able to drive the Deoxie back away, deep into the recesses of space, for all time, or so it was thought...

The Original Feud had been settled, but the Pokemon World was now defined by
many definitive areas:
The Kanto Region, a moderately flat country.
The Johto Region, Sister to Kanto.
The Indigo Plateau, based between Johto and Kanto, a mountain region.
The Orange Islands and the Shamouty Islands, fraught with mystery.
The Hoenn Region, a largely oceanic place.
The Sevii Islands, secluded far, far below Kanto.
The land that later became the Battle Frontier.
The Orre Region, strewn with deserts and dangerous sandstorms.
The Fiore Region, a lush landscape with many secrets that later became a
Refuge for legendary Pokemon.
The Sinnoh region, home of the most pure lakes, divided by
mountain ranges.
And the Iron Island, where Crystals grew in abundance.
(This is only to the knowledge of currant scientists. There are probably more,
As multi-region maps are inexistent in any region.)


About now, the beings of Emotion came out of their shells. They appealed to The Master, seeking to do his bidding. The Master looked on to the Universe, and noticed that for all the scenery, The only live forms were his servants. So he bid them (all the "Legendary"
Pokemon created so far) to think for themselves and become independent.


The Beings of Thought combined their powers and created the first humans. They were originally without fault, but then, from one of Girantia’s alternate realms, came Darkrai. a pokemon made from the darkness found inside of humans. It made humans have the power to think for themselves, Like the current pokemon. After another long struggle, early humans banished Darkrai from the Pokemon World and (temporarily) sealed the rip in dimensional fabric that led him/it here.


The Master noticed the amount of difficulty this had taken and decided more
Multiple pokemon, like the Deoxys, would be created for the human's friendship and defense:
Some of the earliest pokemon (those that survived the elemental wars.)
Aerodactyl
Shieldon
Bastiodon
Kabuto
Kabutops
A Prehistoric, much more powerful version of Magikarp.
Gyarados, at this time the most ferocious pokemon.
Omanyte
Omastar
Lileep
Cradily
Anorith
Armaldo
Eevee, and through its streanth to evolve to its habitat it is still living, and possibly some others. Many of these pokemon became extinct and were buried as fossils in remote places like the Desert Area of Orre and the Sinnoh Underground.


Then the Master created minor guardians of different areas, with instructions to the humans that they should NEVER meet.
Heatran, the six-legged, to protect mountains.
Moltres, the bird of fire, to keep the world's insides, lava and molten rock, inside it.
Articuno, the bird of ice, to guard over icy mountains.
Zapdos, the bird of energy, to regulate global temperatures.
Raikou, Dog of eastern power, to regulate the magnetic and gravitational forces of the world.
Entei, Wolf of nothern hatered, to keep volcanoes in check.
and Suicune, Cat of southern purity, to keep the lakes and rivers in purest quality.
(Scientists now realize that Arceus created more than one of these above
pokemon as well, just not as many as common pokemon like Magikarp).


The Master then prepared for its holy rest, for it was growing tired, with some final acts of creation.
Mew, the daughter of Arceus, to watch over the human race.
Jirachi, to sleep until the time was right, and only it is to know when that time is right. though it awakens every ten-thousand years to eat.
Shaymin, to increase nature's beauty with flowers, trees, and berries so when The Master returns he may see greatness.
Rotom, to keep power in check so that and elementel war would not happen, which later helped post-modern humans discover electricity.
And Celebi.


Celebi was given instruction to pull ideas for pokemon from Arceus' mind when The Master entered its prolonged rest. Satisfied with the universe, the Master ripped open a portal to an Alternate Dimension. But as the portal closed, two things fell out:


The Heaven's Pipe, for the greatest trainer to summon Arceus many thousands of years later, and Regigigas.


Regigigas, a great titian, standing taller than the Rowen trees, stronger than the first three put togather, summoned his three minions, Regirock, Regice, and Registeel, from the Other Plane and they began to wage war against the humans. the skys burned, mountians were crushed, and seas boiled, soon the elemental titians joined the fray. After hundreds of prehistoric years, the humans were able to, with the help of their partner Pokemon and the seven regional guardians, banish the legendary, otherworldly beings to a deep, deep sleep... or at least untill someone, or something woke them.


But they made one mistake: The humans had no Interdimensional portal, and thus the Regis were imprisoned on the Pokemon World, with the potential to awaken with a vengeance.


After this, humankind lived in harmony with nature and pokemon for thousands
of years.


Celebi kept the flow of new pokemon going, traveling through time to gain instruction of the pokemon of Emotion's. Jirachi slept on still awaiting the day its lord would come, and Mew ensured that no human became too evil, and none did for thousands of years. Eventually
the Pokemon of Mirage fell into slumber… Then the Roserade wars begain.
Where there is Uncertainty, I shall bring Light.
Where there is Doubt, I shall bring Faith.
Where there is Shame, I shall grant Atonment.
Where there is Rage, I shall show its course...

I am the Gaurdian...
***
Look, I like RPing... unfourtuneatly I only look at the best, and maybe I join them... but also it seams that most of them DIE... come get me if you want me to join... I am a good RPer if you want me in.

Misheard Whisper

I also happen to be a model.

Age 28
He/They
Nimbasa Gym
Seen October 3rd, 2022
Posted September 27th, 2022
3,488 posts
14.3 Years
OK. Let's start by saying that I think you have a great concept here, one virtually untouched by canon. However, like many other people I've seen attempt this, you've killed it. There's no description whatsoever. I saw your thread in the Writers' Lounge before, and decided I was looking forward to this. So, I seized upon this thread happily. I was, however, disappointed. Your writing is lacklustre; you simply state what happened, and pass over how, where and why it did. If reading a fic including Kyogre, Groudon and Rayquaza versus hordes of Deoxys clones (ARCEUS USED THE PC GLITCH), I expect to find a fic with decent-length chapters, for starters. (Note: I'm using this as an example because I like this idea) Then, I expect SETTING. Where is this battle taking place? Are the Deoxys diving into the sea to tackle Kyogre, or is Rayquaza streaking out to meet them at the edge of Earth's atmosphere? Description, bro, description. On that note, assume we're all noobs who know nothing about Pokemon. What does Arceus look like? Deoxys? Uxie? Cresselia, not Cressila, by the way.

Also, how does this happen? Was Arceus spawned from a cosmic egg when the universe began? Was it formed from swirling, conflicting elements after the Big Bang? (Actually, that might explain Multitype) Or perhaps Arceus was there since before the beginning, and created the universe because it was bored. Similarly, what are its motives? Is it evil or benign, or perhaps indifferent?

On to surface features.

Uxie (Knowledge),
Mesprit (Emotion),
and Azelf (Willpower), the Pokemon of Thoughts.
This is a big no-no. Don't abuse the Enter key. If it's not speech or a new paragraph, don't push dat button. One other thing I learned is to never use brackets in-text. Not like that, anyway. Would it kill you to go:

Uxie, the Pokemon of Knowledge, Mesprit, the Pokemon of Emotion, and Azelf, the Pokemon of Willpower. These three were known as the Pokemon of Thoughts. For now, however, they remained dormant, awaiting the call to rise.

Your (over)use of colons and the Enter/Return key is jarring, and makes me cringe. Work on your grammar and spelling, and slow down. This looks like it was typed up in the reply box. Take time, write it, leave it, come back to it, edit, edit, edit, until it's perfect. Then edit it some more. Just 'cos ^_~

Think of it metaphorically. You have the bones of a good story (the concept). But you need flesh (padding out with description etc), a brain (a clear objective or goal), a heart (something strong and intriguing that keeps the story and my (the reader's) interest alive), and skin (those little touches that wrap it all up and keep it together).

Work at it, and you'll be great, I can tell. Now I'd better stop, because I have a funny feeling that my review is longer than your chapter ^_^; TTFN!

The Gaurdian

a change in your demeanour.

Age 29
colorado springs, colorado
Seen September 26th, 2010
Posted May 3rd, 2010
278 posts
14.3 Years
ah yes thank you. i shall make the story more discriptive. later, after i am fully woken from my sleep and i shall, drink some caff. thank you. The Gaurdian out...
Where there is Uncertainty, I shall bring Light.
Where there is Doubt, I shall bring Faith.
Where there is Shame, I shall grant Atonment.
Where there is Rage, I shall show its course...

I am the Gaurdian...
***
Look, I like RPing... unfourtuneatly I only look at the best, and maybe I join them... but also it seams that most of them DIE... come get me if you want me to join... I am a good RPer if you want me in.

The Gaurdian

a change in your demeanour.

Age 29
colorado springs, colorado
Seen September 26th, 2010
Posted May 3rd, 2010
278 posts
14.3 Years
please note, i added the rest of the chapter and i did some work on it. chapeter two, The Book of Wars, is in progress. Gaurdian, over and out...
Where there is Uncertainty, I shall bring Light.
Where there is Doubt, I shall bring Faith.
Where there is Shame, I shall grant Atonment.
Where there is Rage, I shall show its course...

I am the Gaurdian...
***
Look, I like RPing... unfourtuneatly I only look at the best, and maybe I join them... but also it seams that most of them DIE... come get me if you want me to join... I am a good RPer if you want me in.
Age 36
Seen 14 Hours Ago
Posted 2 Days Ago
On the flip side of Kenji's advice, you should still use the Enter key when it's proper to do so. Because right now, your story is difficult to read because you don't have clear paragraphs.

You hit the Enter button TWICE to make a new paragraph.

I would also suggest running your story through a spell-checker. You have a LOT of misspelled words in your fic that could be caught easily with a spell-checker and a good read-over before posting. Because you have this:

that did not fit the mould:Deoxys.
And with a read-over, you would have caught that smilie that's unneeded in your fic.

Speaking of spell-check, double-check to make sure that you are spelling the Pokemon names right. It doesn't look good on you if you are writing a fanfiction and have misspelled canon names, like:

A Prehistoric, much more powerful version of Magicarp.
Gyrados, at this time the most ferocious pokemon.
It's Magikarp and Gyarados. And those were the only two I saw, though on skimming I noticed that "Girantia" should be "Giratina".

What you have here might be a good story. It just needs a lot of clean-up before it's readable. Proper usage of the Enter key, good spelling on both normal and canon words...

Avatar credit: Fairy

The Gaurdian

a change in your demeanour.

Age 29
colorado springs, colorado
Seen September 26th, 2010
Posted May 3rd, 2010
278 posts
14.3 Years
oh sorry, my PC does not have word so i use notepad.
Where there is Uncertainty, I shall bring Light.
Where there is Doubt, I shall bring Faith.
Where there is Shame, I shall grant Atonment.
Where there is Rage, I shall show its course...

I am the Gaurdian...
***
Look, I like RPing... unfourtuneatly I only look at the best, and maybe I join them... but also it seams that most of them DIE... come get me if you want me to join... I am a good RPer if you want me in.
Age 36
Seen 14 Hours Ago
Posted 2 Days Ago
Spellchecker.net can help you out there.

You can also get a beta reader to help you out if you want. The Beta Thread in the Writer's Lounge can help you find one to check over your chapter before you post it.

EDIT: I just checked, and your paragraphing is much better.

Avatar credit: Fairy

The Gaurdian

a change in your demeanour.

Age 29
colorado springs, colorado
Seen September 26th, 2010
Posted May 3rd, 2010
278 posts
14.3 Years
Wilco, Gaurdian over&out.(thanks)
Where there is Uncertainty, I shall bring Light.
Where there is Doubt, I shall bring Faith.
Where there is Shame, I shall grant Atonment.
Where there is Rage, I shall show its course...

I am the Gaurdian...
***
Look, I like RPing... unfourtuneatly I only look at the best, and maybe I join them... but also it seams that most of them DIE... come get me if you want me to join... I am a good RPer if you want me in.