The Ancient Stone

Started by Sladazo March 9th, 2009 1:01 PM
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  • 12 replies
Male
Colorado
Seen July 27th, 2010
Posted March 28th, 2010
35 posts
15.6 Years
This is my best Pokémon fan fiction so far, and so I've decided to share it. It's about a teenager who originally starts a quest to find a stone (weird, but explained in the story) but his adventure takes a turn when he learns of a sinister company. I've shared this on another forum, and if by chance you've read it before, I've edited and made it better.

There's hardly any violence, and anything you could consider as violence isn't detailed or anything major. Now...

Prologue


“Finally,” Joe said to his leader. “We got out of the cave.”

“Shut up, Joe,” André hissed. “Help me find the stone.” He and his assistant, Joe, had been on a mission to find a stone people called Mugeru. It had the power to grant one’s wish, however, the holder would be cursed with unbearable pain. This pain would occur approximately every twenty minutes. However, a cure was invented. Although they couldn’t be certain that it would work, since Mugeru had never been used before, Joe and André’s boss was willing to risk it.

They had been assigned to find and obtain Mugeru, then bring it back to their boss. Then, their boss would use the stone, and immediately inject himself with a tube containing the cure for preventing the pain.

But that was all going to be later.

Right now, Joe and André were on top of a mountain, where Mugeru rested. This mountain was located in a desert, and the desert was an entire island just south of Cinnabar Island in Johto. Thunder roared, rain poured and high winds blew across the entire island, never-ending. Many people believed Mugeru created them to protect itself, since it was not supposed to be used, whether the wish be good or bad.

Searching around, Joe soon saw an oval, light brown stone with teal markings on its surface resting inside a black rock. The black rock stuck up, with a point on top, and the light brown stone was carved in the center of the pillar. “There’s the stone!” he shouted over the wind. He pointed to the rock when André looked towards him.

Walking over to the rock, André took his pick axe and hammered the rock. Black crystals started to fall, but never hit the ground. The winds blew them away in a blink of an eye. André squinted, still hammering, when a lightning bolt struck him. He immediately fell to the ground, and his tool went flying around in the wind. By the time Joe took in what just happened, the pick axe struck him in the head, the points digging into the side of his head. Although they weren’t as fast as the crystals, their bodies were slowly pushed off the mountain’s side by the wind.

~-~-~-~-~

“Weepinbell, Vine Whip,” a twenty-one year old commanded his flytrap Pokémon. The Pokémon released a vine from each leaf on its side and whipped the opposing Pokémon, a Smeargle. The painting Pokémon fell to the ground.

Returning his Weepinbell, the trainer walked to the fainted Smeargle, and dropped a Pokéball onto its body. The Smeargle was sucked inside of the red-and-white sphere, and after moving left and right for a little bit, a quiet beep was released from the Pokéball.

After attaching the Pokéball to his belt, the adult started walking through the field of dead grass and plants, as well as some weeds. His gelled, shiny black hair curled at his forehead, motionless in the slight breeze. His cheeks, however, were slightly red, as he had been standing in the wind for a while. He went on an adventure to find his abducted brother, but now he was starting to give up hope. It had already been a year, and he hadn’t even found a trace of the people that took his brother away. They had tried to take him and his mother too, but the both of them had escaped.

Suddenly, the breeze evolved to a ferocious wind, and a loud humming was heard above him. Looking up, he saw teal vines extending from a helicopter, and they quickly grabbed him and started to lift him up. He struggled, but it was no use. Once he was pulled into the helicopter, it quickly flew away from the scene.

He looked up and saw a familiar face. “Hello brother,” it said with a twisted grin.
Possibly in a tree
Seen October 1st, 2015
Posted October 1st, 2015
161 posts
15.2 Years
Very interesting. I like the plot idea and how you got the story going right away.

It seems like a solid start, but I have a few suggestions.

“Finally,” an assistant said to his leader. “We got out of the cave.”

“Shut up, Joe,” the leader hissed. “Help me find the stone.”


This start is a bit awkward because instead of names, you use "an assistant" and "his leader." It might sound less awkward if you used Joe and Andre (sorry I don't know how to make the accent mark on this computer) from the beginning. It seems a bit pointless to not include their names in the first sentence because you use their names later. For instance you could write:

“Finally,” Joe said. “We got out of the cave.”

“Shut up, Joe,” Andre hissed. “Help me find the stone.” Andre and his assistant, Joe...


Also, the bit about the stone is random. Instead of straight out describing the stone, you could have presented the information in a more interesting/creative manner. Perhaps a different point of view or an article...

But that was all going to be later.


That line was completely unnecessary.

Thunder roared, rain poured and high winds blew across the entire island, never-ending


This is an example of one of your many awkward sentence structures. Perhaps move "never ending" to before "high winds."

the tool struck him in the head


You tend to use very vague words. Instead of "the tool" write "the pick axe" to be more descriptive.

A note on your description. In the first part of the prologue, more description would add interest if done correctly.

However, a cure was invented, and although they couldn’t be certain that it would work, since Mugeru had never been used before, Joe and his superior’s boss was willing to risk it.


First off, this is a run-on sentence. Definitely change that. Secondly, in the last part, "was" should be "were" because you are referring to both Joe and Andre.

The second part is better than the first because it has more description. There are still a few awkwardly structured sentences though.

Overall, I think you have a good plot going, but you could have done so much more with your introduction. Slowly introducing the stone concept with more description could have been an excellent beginning. Instead you straight out gave away information that if you had left slightly open-ended may have made the story more intriguing. Another way of creating the same effect would be telling this part from one of the character’s point of view. It would be much more dramatic.

The actual beginning does not grab my interest, but the concept does.

Otherwise, nice writing. I like your idea; keep it up.
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Seen July 27th, 2010
Posted March 28th, 2010
35 posts
15.6 Years
That's got to be some of the best advice I've been given on this story.

This start is a bit awkward because instead of names, you use "an assistant" and "his leader." It might sound less awkward if you used Joe and Andre (sorry I don't know how to make the accent mark on this computer) from the beginning. It seems a bit pointless to not include their names in the first sentence because you use their names later. For instance you could write:

“Finally,” Joe said. “We got out of the cave.”

“Shut up, Joe,” Andre hissed. “Help me find the stone.” Andre and his assistant, Joe...
I've read so many books and other stories that do this, so I'm used to wording it how I did. I can't remember any writing where they introduce the actual names before the position. I'll edit it just in case though.

I used the unnecessary line as a way to move to the next subject, and once again, I've seen it a lot in stories, though not in books (by the way, I refer to fanfics as stories but books is the same). I think I might leave that in...

This is an example of one of your many awkward sentence structures. Perhaps move "never ending" to before "high winds."
Must be, because never-ending is referring to all of the distractions - the thunder, rain and winds.

I didn't want to overuse the words pick axe, so I sometimes use a simpler definition so the same word doesn't get excessive. I'll reread and see if I overused it though, if not, I'll edit.

First off, this is a run-on sentence. Definitely change that. Secondly, in the last part, "was" should be "were" because you are referring to both Joe and Andre.
I was afraid this would cause confusion, and it did. There's Joe, his superior André, and both of their superiors, the boss of the company they're working for. I used was because I was actually referring to only the boss, but I'll be sure to edit it, and the run-on sentence.

Another way of creating the same effect would be telling this part from one of the character’s point of view. It would be much more dramatic.
There's no characters introduced right now that I could tell the story from. Joe and André's part was to explain some stuff about Mugeru, but they'll never be heard of again (possibly a mention, I haven't got THAT far yet - quite a few chapters are already done though). The person in the second part is one of the three main characters, which, if you noticed, is why I never actually said his name. The main character the story revolves around will be introduced in the next chapter. You'll see why stuff might be confusing and awkward when you see the next chapter (hopefully).

I hope I haven't spoiled anything besides stuff that hardly tells you anything. The next chapter should make you realize how I'm going with the story. Please keep reading - the next chapter should be up tomorrow unless distractions get in the way.
Possibly in a tree
Seen October 1st, 2015
Posted October 1st, 2015
161 posts
15.2 Years
There's no characters introduced right now that I could tell the story from. Joe and André's part was to explain some stuff about Mugeru, but they'll never be heard of again (possibly a mention, I haven't got THAT far yet - quite a few chapters are already done though). The person in the second part is one of the three main characters, which, if you noticed, is why I never actually said his name. The main character the story revolves around will be introduced in the next chapter. You'll see why stuff might be confusing and awkward when you see the next chapter (hopefully).

I hope I haven't spoiled anything besides stuff that hardly tells you anything. The next chapter should make you realize how I'm going with the story. Please keep reading - the next chapter should be up tomorrow unless distractions get in the way.
I commend you for writing ahead. I highly recommend staying at least one chapter ahead of your story so there are no plot mix-ups.

You haven't spoiled anything.

Don't worry, I'll keep reading as long as you keep writing. Well, as long as you keep writing decently... If you for some reason turn g-d awful, I may stop, but that is highly unlikely.

Seriously, do not rush the chapters. Most people release a chapter once a week... or every other week... or every month. Take your time writing the chapters and make them good.
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Colorado
Seen July 27th, 2010
Posted March 28th, 2010
35 posts
15.6 Years
After that last post, I decided to do a chapter every Sunday (and possibly Fridays or Saturdays), unless something came up, but since I had time right now, here's the next chapter. The ending is kind of random and rushed, I know, but I'll explain why if someone minds.

Chapter One


"It's time for the Whirlpool Cup!" announced someone over the microphone. "Trainers battle with amazing water type Pokémon and fight to get the prize at the end!"

Ryan, a twelve year old with blond hair and sky blue eyes, was competing in the Whirlpool Cup. Training with water type Pokémon was his specialty, so he competed in this tournament every year. He had won once out of his three times so far. This was his fourth time participating in the tourney. He was aiming to win, as everyone else participating was, with his three loyal water types. He trained one really well, and used the other two less, but they were still all tough Pokémon.

Sixteen people were in the tournament, and in each round, half of that number of people would be eliminated. There were four rounds, meaning it started with sixteen and went to eight, four, and then the final two. Ryan watched the first battle in the tournament this year so far, scanning both people's strategies and Pokémon. It was a long battle between a Mantine and Gyarados, but after it ended, Ryan was called up to battle someone named Jerry.

Ryan walked onto the stadium. It was the same as it had always been. He stood on an almost square platform and let his Pokémon out in the water or on the circular platform floating on each side of the huge body of water. A rectangular platform floated in the center.

"This battle will be between Jerry and Ryan, both of who we all know!" the announcer yelled. The random spinners picked that it would be a one on one battle and Ryan was to call out his Pokémon first. He sent out his strongest water type with him, a Seadra. It appeared in the water in a white glow, since it couldn't be on land. Jerry sent out a Tentacruel, which was a large jellyfish with red jewels on its head. It was an even match, neither Pokémon could be on land without being helpless.

Jerry commanded first. "Tentacruel, use your Screech attack!" Tentacruel released ear-splitting sound waves from its two red circles on its head. Seadra got caught in the circular waves and squeezed its eyes shut in pain. Jerry took this chance to attack. "Bubblebeam!" Bubbles shot out of the small bead on the jellyfish's head. Seadra took the pain and floated back in the water.

"Smokescreen!" Ryan called out. Seadra opened its eyes and blew smoke out of its... mouth? The stadium filled up with a dark gas that made several people start coughing, but red lights were still seen. Tentacruel's big circles on its head were glowing. It could see right through the smoke, Ryan realized. "Clear Body," he whispered to himself.

"Try a Water Gun!" Seadra shot water from its mouth at the red circles. They faded and the smoke cleared. Tentacruel was being pushed back by the water as Jerry commanded his Pokémon to use Waterfall. Sinking into the water, the water filled up with miniature bubbles as Tentacruel moved around under the surface. Suddenly, a gush of water struck Seadra from underneath, and Tentacruel appeared back in the water again as it hopped out of the waterfall.

“Use Water Pulse on the water," Ryan said. Seadra dived toward the water and sent blue circles flying at the water. It created a whirlpool and caught Seadra safely. It disappeared as Seadra jumped out of it, and Ryan told it to use Twister. It shot back through the air as a whole bunch of litter flew from the gust coming from the water dragon's mouth. It struck Tentacruel and finished it. It was a long battle, but two moves had knocked out the jellyfish.

The stadium filled up with cheers after the battle ended. Ryan congratulated Seadra and returned it. He walked back into the waiting room, and met up with Jerry. "Good battle," he said. Jerry just walked away. Ryan wiggled his loose tooth.

~-~-~-~-~


It was the third round now, meaning only four people were still in the tourney. Ryan, two other boys and a girl. Ryan's tooth was really loose now. As he was battling another boy, it fell out and caught him by surprise. He was so surprised, the opponent got a chance to strike and it was the finishing blow. Ryan lost and he walked away, happy about his tooth and how far he got, but disappointed that he didn't win all the way. He walked home and rested up.
Possibly in a tree
Seen October 1st, 2015
Posted October 1st, 2015
161 posts
15.2 Years
Well, this chapter was better written than the prologue, but less interesting. Here are some small errors I found:

"It's time for the Whirlpool Cup!," announced
Pick one. ! or , Not both.

His battling skills were great with water typed Pokémon.
That doesn't make sense. It should be either:

His battling skills were great.

or

He was great with water typed Pokémon.

or

Both.

of the waterfall.
“Use Water Pulse
You forgot a space between paragraphs.

Anyway, this chapter was not as interesting as the first, though I am sure it is vital to the story. Ryan seems like a weird character... losing a match because his tooth fell out! He's twelve years old... which means he would be in 7th grade. Losing a tooth that late does not seem like that big of a deal to me...

Oh well, perhaps it shows immaturity.

Anyway, average chapter, but keep up the good grammar!
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Colorado
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Posted March 28th, 2010
35 posts
15.6 Years
Pick one. ! or , Not both.
Wow, don't think I've ever made a mistake like that. Thanks, going to edit.

For the not making sense part, I think I'll leave it like that because it makes sense to me. I don't see how it doesn't for other people either. Plus, combining both of the examples you suggested to me would end up in the same sentence I had wrote.

Going to edit the space between paragraph mistake as well.

Anyway, this chapter was not as interesting as the first, though I am sure it is vital to the story. Ryan seems like a weird character... losing a match because his tooth fell out! He's twelve years old... which means he would be in 7th grade. Losing a tooth that late does not seem like that big of a deal to me...

Oh well, perhaps it shows immaturity.
It's really a chapter to introduce the main character, but I guess future chapters wouldn't make sense without it, as it explains some other not-so-obvious-right-now things as well.

I've always received similar comments about the tooth thing, but he wasn't supposed to win the tournament, and I thought another battle scene in the same chapter would get tiring, or something similar. And so, I came up with the tooth thing. Although, Ryan does end up being kind of immature at the beginning.

Thanks for the advice and pointing out mistakes. Since today is Saturday, tomorrow a new chapter might be up.
Possibly in a tree
Seen October 1st, 2015
Posted October 1st, 2015
161 posts
15.2 Years
His battling skills were great with water typed Pokémon.
For the not making sense part, I think I'll leave it like that because it makes sense to me. I don't see how it doesn't for other people either. Plus, combining both of the examples you suggested to me would end up in the same sentence I had wrote.
It doesn't make sense because you are saying that his skills are good with Pokemon- not Ryan. Skills cannot be good with Pokemon. A person can be good with Pokemon. A person can be skilled with Pokemon. I don't think I'm explaining this right. It's a technical grammar rule, and as it currently is, the subject of your sentance is incorrect. "Skills" is the subject when "He" should be the subject.
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Posted March 28th, 2010
35 posts
15.6 Years
I finally got what you were saying, but I don't know if my edit made the line any better.

Anyway, already off schedule. Here's the next chapter though, nothing exciting or major, however. I was really tired when I edited the first part of this chapter, so please be as strict on that as you can (as long as you don't bash me).

Chapter Two


Ryan lived in the apartments right next to the Whirlpool Cup Stadium. The distance between the stadium and the apartments was a long one, but there was nothing alive that inhabited the space. It was all the ink, black street, stretching from the stadium to the apartments. The apartments were located in an opening between some cliffs, and that’s basically all there was.

Ryan kicked the pieces of gravel that scattered the entire ground. He wasn’t thinking about anything in particular, but just feeling down. It wasn’t because he lost the tournament, he just wasn’t feeling good. He walked into the apartment’s entrance and started to go right, towards his house. From the road, that would lead to a dead-end, with only another large piece of mountain to look at. On the opposite end of the road, the street curved behind the stadium’s sphere-like shape to lead to the rest of the world.

He walked in his house once he came to it. At first, it was just a short hallway that led to the living room on the right and the kitchen to the left. Ryan said hi to his mother, and continued. Behind the kitchen, there was an opening that led to the dining room, where a small table rested. Only he and his mother lived here. His father disappeared and he didn’t have any siblings.

Past the dining room led to another hallway. He walked down it and was greeted by a laundry room closet in the middle, with doors on the walls on each side of it. He entered his room, the one on the right. When he entered, he dropped his three Pokéballs into the large water tank that lined two sides of his wall. His Seadra came out, but his other two Pokémon stayed in their Pokéballs, not wanting to swim, Ryan knew.

A desk was placed under the window on the only wall that wasn’t covered with a water tank. A TV was to the left of it and the bed to the right, right in front of the door. Ryan crawled into bed and quickly fell asleep.

~-~-~-~-~

He had only slept for an hour, he realized, when he woke up. Yawning, Ryan slowly got out of bed, stumbling and holding his head from dizziness once he used his own two legs for support. This happened to him every time. He bent over, holding his head like a Psyduck, and kept his eyes open, waiting for them to adjust. When they did, he lifted his head up and put an arm onto his desk chair for support from the little dizzy wave that struck him here too. After completely recovering, he walked to the window and stared outside.

He had a perfect view of the stadium and the large screen that hung above it, showing what was happening. It seemed to be the last round. A Slowbro was using its Psychic attack to make a Luvdisc fly around, slamming it into the poles on the sides of the pool. Once it felt the Luvdisc become lighter, the Slowbro stopped its attack, and the heart shaped Pokémon fell into the water, not sinking, but rather floating, back to its trainer coincidentally.

The Slowbro’s owner was shown on the screen, and the loud announcement that he was this year’s winner echoed throughout the small canyon. The winner was a tall teenager, probably about fourteen to fifteen years old. He had spiky, black hair, with the spikes not standing up too much.

“Ryan?” asked a voice, once his door opened. It was his mother.

“What?” Ryan said, turning to face her.

“Would you like some lunch? I’m about to make something, but if you’re about to run off, tell me.” She smiled nervously. It had always been like this. Ryan and his mother weren’t very attached, and never got to be. His mother took her husband’s disappearance very badly, and it had affected what their life could have turned out like. Ryan was two when his father disappeared, so he never grew attached to his mother.

“Yeah, I’m about to go back to the stadium.” He had always liked visiting it, whether it was for training for the Cup or just gazing at the large pool of water, thinking peacefully.

She hesitated and smiled again. “Oh, okay then...” she trailed off, and closed the door.

Ryan still had his shoes on, but noticed a book in the corner under his bed. It was a book of legends, titled “Legends” not-so-surprisingly, and obviously told about myths and stories. He liked to read it since it was interesting. He picked it up and sat on his bed, opening to the chapter telling of a stone. This particular legend most people believed, and it was common around this remote area. He started reading.

Mugeru is said to be a light brown stone with teal markings that can grant any wish a person has. Rumored to lay on the natural-disaster island south of Cinnabar Island, many people have taken adventures to obtain this stone. The island is covered with never-ending thunder, rain and wind. People say Mugeru creates these to protect itself, even though it isn’t a living thing. Should a wish be asked and granted, the wisher is said to receive unbearable pain approximately every twenty minutes. The most common rumor of what this pain is said to feel like is having your skull crushed, but still living afterwards. Whether the wish was pure or dark, Mugeru casts this sickness onto the holder. Why still remains a mystery.

The door clicked open once again. “Ryan?” his mother asked. “I thought you were going to the stadium.”

He slammed the book shut and apologized. “I forgot.” He picked up his jacket and walked out of the door, past his mom. Finishing putting it on, he walked out of the house and headed to the stadium, which only echoed with birds now. The orange sun poured through the canyon, and Ryan couldn’t wait to see the water. He ran across the gravel to the stadium and walked into the tunnel that led to the side of the pool. This part was empty because there was nothing but walls. Inside the walls was the actual stadium, but he had to go right, cross over a bridge and enter the opening that led to the observatory room.

Once he got to the observatory room, Ryan looked out the window at the glistening water. He saw someone in the stands suddenly, and saw that it was the winner. He ran down the stairs that took someone to the trainer’s position on the battlefield and yelled across the stadium, “Hey!”

The person lifted his head from his hands and looked down at Ryan. Then he stood up and used his Slowbro to lift him and itself to the opposite trainer platform. “Hey,” he said. “Want to battle or something?”

Ryan wasn’t considering it and was surprised. Still, he accepted. “Sure. My Seadra and your Slowbro?” He sent out his Seadra, staring at the person before him. He wasn’t expecting to win. After all, this was the champion for this year. But he wanted to get to know the person.

“Yeah, sure,” the person replied, motioning for his Slowbro to land on the platform. It levitated itself over onto the circular platform using its Psychic, and then simply dropped, seeming not to notice. “My name’s Zach, by the way.”

Ryan realized he hadn’t asked for a name, and hadn’t even introduced himself. “Oh,” he said. “Yeah, my name’s Ryan.” Zach didn’t respond, so Ryan just called the first move. “Seadra, Water Gun!”

Without even being commanded, the Slowbro lifted its arms and, using Psychic, sent the water from all directions until it met again back at Seadra. The seahorse Pokémon floated back in the water, and once the attack was finished, waited for the next command.

That was good, Ryan thought. “Uh, Twister.” He found himself not sure of what he was saying. He had experienced this before; he knew he wasn’t going to win now. That was one of his big lessons: If your unsure of yourself, you’re guaranteed to lose.

Meanwhile, Seadra whipped up a gust from its mouth and all the remaining litter on the battlefield and the stands started circling in a funnel shape. As it rotated, the tornado moved closer to Slowbro, inch by inch. Zach had another idea up his sleeve though.

“Use Surf on the tornado!” he commanded. Using a link between it and the water, the hermit crab Pokémon made all of the water in the stadium rise up. Once this was done, it flung it at the circulating wind, where it made contact. The wind was replaced by water, creating a whirlpool. With Seadra left helplessly on the recently drained land, the whirlpool passed over it and knocked it out.

Ryan returned his Seadra, with a red glow engulfing it. The glow darkened and then Seadra’s shape dismaterialized. Afterwards, the red line containing it flew back to the Pokéball. Usually Ryan’s Seadra wasn’t knocked out so quickly, but his opponent being the champion, the attacks were probably really devastating.

Zach and Slowbro floated to Ryan’s platform. “Nice battle,” Zach commented. He held his hand out, which Ryan grasped and then shook.

“Thanks. Your Slowbro is amaze… ing,” Ryan suddenly felt very light, and before he noticed, he had fainted. Zach picked him up from the ground and shook him gently, but Ryan didn’t stir.

What the, Zach wondered, picking Ryan up onto his back. He ran out of the stadium and to the nearest place with people – the apartments. After all, there probably weren’t any hospitals in a remote part of a canyon.
Possibly in a tree
Seen October 1st, 2015
Posted October 1st, 2015
161 posts
15.2 Years
Hmm... grammatically, that was pretty good. I didn't find any major errors. A couple of times you repeat yourself (like with the book about legends), but other than that, not bad.

Obviously you know this chapter was not as exciting as others; perhaps you could have figured out a way to incorperate a bit of humor or something to grab interest. It was a fairly good character development chapter. I liked the bit about Ryan's background.

Honesty, not much else to say about this. Keep up the good writing!
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Seen July 27th, 2010
Posted March 28th, 2010
35 posts
15.6 Years
Thanks. Now my comments on yours:

Hmm... grammatically, that was pretty good. I didn't find any major errors. A couple of times you repeat yourself (like with the book about legends), but other than that, not bad.
It's not likely you'll find me making a grammatical or spelling error. Except with dashes and semicolons. I learned that you only use semicolons for replacement of and, but or or but I've seen times when it doesn't fit into one of those categories. Also, are you talking about how I kept reusing "legend" in that small paragraph?

Obviously you know this chapter was not as exciting as others; perhaps you could have figured out a way to incorperate a bit of humor or something to grab interest. It was a fairly good character development chapter. I liked the bit about Ryan's background.
The humor comes in later chapters, though it's not the best there is.

As for Ryan's background, that was a part I completely edited in, so I'm glad it came out good. I realized while reading it over on the other forum I posted it on I didn't explain his background. That's good.

Honesty, not much else to say about this. Keep up the good writing!
Shall do. I have fourteen chapters finished, but all the ones not posted yet still need to be edited. Hopefully the editing won't ruin it. :|
Male
Colorado
Seen July 27th, 2010
Posted March 28th, 2010
35 posts
15.6 Years
Fridays or the weekend seems to be my schedule. Here's the third chapter. Hopefully, you'll enjoy. Also, you'll see that I used some things from other parts of the forum that I thought was neat.

Chapter Three


Apparently, there was a hospital in this remote area. It wasn’t big or anything, but it was located on the other side of the stadium from the apartments. As you curved around the stadium from the apartments, you would come to an opening in the canyon on the right that led to the rest of Johto. But there was a small space directly in front of that area that housed small businesses, such as hospitals, markets and some other stuff as well.

Zach kept apologizing to Ryan’s mother, Lisa, even though he knew he couldn’t have caused his fainting. Lisa knew it wasn’t him as well, and tried to stop Zach from bothering her over and over, but he persisted.

“I’m sorry, Mrs. Gretchel,” Zach had repeated while they were walking down the pale white hallway of a hospital. Ryan was on a cart, with the wheels making an undisturbed hum as they rolled down the hallway.

“I know it wasn’t you, now stop apologizing,” Ryan’s mother said, this time not trying to cover up what she had been trying to say nicely before. Zach got the hint, and was quiet the rest of the time.

They entered the room, a cold breeze following the opening of the door. It looked like a typical hospital room, with the bed with paper on top of it and a silver stand next to it, carrying supplies. The walls were the same color as the rest of the hospital’s walls: white. Other than that, there were minor things like pictures on the walls of people and Pokémon.

The doctors lifted Ryan up and onto the bed, and left the room. Quickly after, a ringing sounded, as if from a cellphone.

“Sorry,” Lisa said, grabbing a cellphone from her back pocket and waving it at Zach, with its back facing him. “Excuse me.” She walked into the bathroom, and turned both the lights and vent fan on. It was loud enough Zach wouldn’t be able to hear her from outside, but she would be able to answer her call and understand the person talking.

She locked the door, and put her phone back into her back pocket, and sat on the closed toilet lid. She then rolled up her gray sweater’s left sleeve, made of Mareeps’ wool. A blue watch was revealed, with four small, silver buttons on the corners of it. The square screen was flashing red, and it was the real cause of the ringing. She pressed the top right button, and the screen switched to a picture of a man on the left and some hardly visible writing on the right, probably telling basic info on the person.

She pulled a stick from the right of the watch like you would a Nintendo DS and pressed the small, square screen. The man’s picture hovered over the writing, seeming to be getting closer and closer to Lisa, until it covered the entire screen now.

“What are you doing?” the man asked.

“My son just fainted for an unexplained reason; I’m at the hospital now.” Lisa paused, waiting for her boss to say something.

“We’re going to bomb the stadium at 3:00pm,” her boss finally said. “You’re not high enough level to know the information on why. Be prepared; if your son doesn’t run away from anger, convince him to go find the stone and to restore peace back to his home. If you’ve been telling me the truth about how much he loves the stadium, he should run away to find the stone on his own.”

Lisa was shocked, but didn’t argue. “What should I do?”

“Come to the base,” her boss said. “That’s all. Everything else will be dealt with once you get there.”

Lisa pondered, trying to find how to address her boss. “Yes, sir,” she finally came up with.

Her superior’s face twisted in disapproval. “I’m not the kind of boss that makes you respect me by saying sir and the such. Don’t address me as that. Speak to me as you would anyone else.”

“Okay,” Lisa said, regretting her choice of calling him sir. “Is that all?”

“Yes,” her boss responded. The screen returned to the static, until it automatically returned to the main screen. The main screen displayed the time, disguising itself of what it really was. The time was 2:23pm. Lisa rolled her sleeve over the watch once again, and left the bathroom after turning the light and fan off.

“What was that about?” Zach asked. Ryan was still unconcious.

Lisa didn’t reply quickly, trying to find out what she should say. Eventually, she came up with something she didn’t think would reveal anything important. “I just got bad news… or actually a rumor of bad news. However, it sounds realistic. At three, there’s going to be a bombing.” She had a specialty of being able to make herself cry, and she forced a few tears out of her eyes. Afterwards, she burst out into tears, just like someone would when they learned someone close to them just died.

Zach hugged her, feeling awkward. He tried to comfort her by doing the noise of “shhh” and saying stuff similar to ‘it’s gonna be okay’. He was completely oblivious to her faking.

Through fake tears, Lisa looked up at Zach. “Please, take care of my Ryan if anything happens to me or him. Will you?” The tears were already drying up, and she hoped she wouldn’t ruin her disguise.

“With my life,” Zach promised.

~-~-~-~-~

Ryan awoke to a cold breeze sweeping across his face. His vision was blurry, as if water was in his eyes. What he could see through this substance though was all white, with simple colors here and there. Suddenly, a dark figure loomed over his vision. It started to speak, but his ears weren’t working properly either.

After a couple of minutes, his vision became clear enough. It wasn’t like the usual, but he could still see. His mother had been leaning over him, talking to him, telling him to wake up. Zach was near the door with his arms folded, staring at him. Ryan could tell he was trying to hide it, but his eyes were filled with sorrow.

“I’m fine, Mom,” Ryan said. His mother stopped leaning over him and sighed in relief. She walked over to the only doctor in the room. He had a white coat on, going to the top of his shoes. It was like a scientist’s lab coat.

“He says he’s fine,” she said to him. “Can we leave?”

“I guess so,” the doctor replied. “After all, he only fainted.” He let the last sentence trail off.

“Okay, Ryan,” she said, turning back to him. “Let’s go.”

She’s in a hurry, Ryan thought, slowly getting up. There was a clock on the wall above him, and it showed that it was 2:53. He walked over to his mother and Zach, and the three of them left the room. As they were walking down the hallway, Ryan asked why his mother was in a hurry.

“She just heard a rumor that… there will be a bombing around this area at three,” Zach answered for her.

“Will it destroy the stadium?” Ryan asked, worried.

They left the building. “It’s just a rumor, Ryan,” Zach said. “Let’s go shop for some supplies, in case it’s true and we need to fight.” As Lisa walked to the car, Zach and Ryan walked to the market. They went to a Pokémon medicine stand and bought Potions and Full Heals. Zach stored them in his backpack, which Ryan just realized he had had.

“Are you a traveler?” Ryan asked.

“Yeah, about to leave. Just want to stay here for the bombing though, so I can help protect this area.” He then walked to another stand selling food and Ryan followed him. He bought the cheapest things: Chansey eggs. You just cracked it open and the yolk was a mix between food and a drink. It tasted like yogurt.

Suddenly, a roar echoed throughout the canyon. Ryan and Zach looked at the stadium, already guessing what had happened. Sure enough, black smoke like a Horsea’s was rising from the stadium. Helicopters hovered above, dropping bombs.

Zach took action quickly. He sent out his Slowbro and another bomb dropped from a helicopter. “Use Psychic and send it back at the helicopter that dropped it!” he commanded his Pokémon. The hermit crab used its telekinesis to grab the black bomb in mid-air, and then it reversed direction and struck the helicopter. It exploded on contact, destroying the helicopter and the ones hovering nearby. Rubble and other material fell from all directions, threatening to kill anyone in its landing. One piece fell near a stand, and the fire started to spread around the stand. “Water Gun!” Slowbro spat a jet of water from its mouth and doused the fire quickly. It was the food stand and the owner thanked them by giving them some extra food: spaghetti made from Tangela vines and Tauros meatballs, contained in cans. Zach stored them in the backpack.

Then he saw Ryan running out of the canyon. He returned his Slowbro and ran after him, hearing Ryan yell to his mother driving nearby, “I’m going to find that stone!”

Lisa Gretchel sobbed in her car and followed her son out of the canyon, but to another direction.
Possibly in a tree
Seen October 1st, 2015
Posted October 1st, 2015
161 posts
15.2 Years
Interesting chapter. You're plot is very intriguing. It is ironic that Ryan's mother is working for... someone who wants to cause trouble.

One thing that did not make sense to me is why the stone was immediately thought of after the bombing. Why would Ryan think to find the stone after the bombing if the stone is just a legend? Wouldn't it be more practical to do something more productive? For instance, help rebuild the stadium or track down who bombed the stadium.
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