alright I'll rate the first one, but only if you promise to rate mine lol. Its a couple of threads down "seduction in B minor" thanks any how lets take a look at this.
"I've always wondered what you were thinking,
When you look at me weeping"
-um maybe you could use: "theres something Ive always wondered" instead, I like that a lot better lol. anyhow this is really vague, as a reader I don't know who you are talking about or why this person is weeping. You don't have to outright say who the person is, but I would like an established purpose. As an author you have to let me know whats going on, from this I can see that somebody is weeping for no particular reason, oh well lets move on.
I've always wondered if you could see,
Everything that is inside and about me
I've always wondered what you are all about,
Because inside I'm falling in love
-this is al;right, however, the phrase "ive always wondered what you are about" is a redundancy as it was stated no more than a few lines agao. try to vary your statements tell me, the reader, something new.
Because inside I'm falling in love
-this really isn't neccesary, I think the lines prior to this have sufficently expressed this thought withought you saying it outright.
I've always wondered was it all my fault,
Or was it just something that was all laid out
-again this is vague, I would reccomend ommiting this for something else. I can't think of anything at the moment, but we'll get to that later.
I've always wondered was it love or was it pain,
In my heart it must have been pain
-try a word other than pain, it makes it hard to read when you repeat words. er now that I think about it omit the second line it really can't be made to sound any better.
I've always wondered, could I forgive you,
For leaving my heart broken with you
-this is a good though, but not well executed, you repeat the pronoun you twice which is a no-no and well it lacks fluidity. Ithink something really good can be done with this line, it just needs to be contemplated a little more.
-well overall I thought it was fairly well done. There was some minor mistakes, but I think they can be easily repaired. Basically there are some nice thoughts here, I saw some parts where you really could have done some things well, but you settled for mediocity. Instead of writing down statements, try writing down feelings. When I got to write a poem, especially when its about a person, I do a free write. I get all my thoughts down on paper, I don't worry about changing anything or putting it any cohesive order. It really serves as an important tool for me to start writing, without it I'm lost. = )
anyhow plz take a look at mine and tell me what you think. And if you found anyhting to be unclear or what not just go ahead and pm me
"We must carry war into every corner the enemy happens to carry it, to his home, to his centers of entertainment:a total war. It is neccesary to prevent him from having a moment of peace, a quiet moment outside his barracks or even inside; we must attack him wherever he may be, make him feel like a cornered beast wherever he may move. then his moral fiber shall begin to decline, but we shall notice how signs of decadence begin to disappear."- Che Guevara
"shoot, coward, you are only going to kill a man"-Ernesto "Che" Guevara