A Beautiful Gift

Started by Abskull September 12th, 2004 10:39 AM
  • 476 views
  • 6 replies

Abskull

Link's Huggle Thing!^.^

Age 29
Anywhere Link Takes Me
Seen July 24th, 2009
Posted November 13th, 2005
697 posts
18.9 Years
Acck!! Please move this!
A Beautiful Gift


Chapter One Madam Dradas Mansion



Heather Vernice and Keith Latrin are two twelve-year old kids who live in a small town in New Jersey. Heather has long, wavy, brown hair and bright blue eyes. Keith has spiky blonde hair with coffee colored tips and mocha eyes. They like to run around in an old mansion. It once belonged to a young woman named Nol Drada. She died at the age of twenty-six, no one knows how. The mansion is said to be haunted, but that doesnt scare Heather or Keith, they love the place. Theyre the only people in the whole town that will go in. Normally because its not the safest place to be and also because people are just plain scared to go in.



Hey Keith! called Heather. Her voice echoed through the halls of the mansion. She was standing in front of on old trunk. Keith came running through the hall. Both of them kneeled down. Heather blew off the dust. Both of them saw a small, tarnished, gold plate. It read:



In liebevollem Gedchtnis von Nol Drada


What the? said Keith, What does it say?



I bet its in germen, replied Heather. She tried to open the trunk, but it was closed shut. Keith stood up and grabbed some scrolls. All them were in germen.



But how could this be? Were in America, how could something from Germany be here? Keith asked.



It was probably ported from Germany, said Heather. Keith started to look at the scrolls all of them had this one word that was in every scroll.



Hey Heather, what does Lodernder Vogel mean? asked Keith.





I dont know. I dont speak germen, replied Heather. Heather stood up. They walked around and saw pictures of Phoenixs.



Why are there so many Phoenixs? asked Keith. Heather shrugged.



Maybe Madam Drada likes them, she said. They started to walk out of the house when all of the sudden they heard a voice.



Turn back, it said, almost like a whisper. Both of them gulped.



Lets get out of here, said Keith. They walked quickly to the door. They ran out of the house.



Its getting late, said Heather, Well talk more about this tomorrow. Keith nodded. They ran to their homes and ate dinner.





SIGNATURE UNDER CONSTRUCTION!





James3

That better not be poo!

Age 31
Who Cares?
Seen December 7th, 2004
Posted December 5th, 2004
260 posts
18.8 Years
Oooooh Spooky a bit short though and you didnt describe the phoenixs
[spoiler= Coming Up....]Hey all friends of mine im updating my profile, sig and arvie over the next few days. I will also be starting a new forum if you would like a moderators job PM me[/spoiler]
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Please Give James a rep point as will give you one back and will be a really good freind for life ^_^

Mr Cat Dog

Frasier says it best

Age 32
Male
London, UK
Seen September 29th, 2017
Posted July 12th, 2017
11,344 posts
19.1 Years
Erm... although you started off describing things and with a bit of background knowledge, it kinda went downhill from the first paragraph on. For one thing, you don't need to press return 5 times to start a new paragraph. Twice will be sufficient. If you are trying to make it longer... you failed quite miserably. If you weren't (and I'm hoping you weren't) then it's completely unnesecary.

Another thing is that you wrote it in present tense to start off with. Towards the end of the chapter however, you changed it to past tense as the characters started to speak. Past/present mix-up isn't great... and is incorrect grammar, which should be sorted.

As I said before, you started off quite well describing things such as the personalities and the actual physical appearances, but when the characters started speaking, there was virtually none. The house itself wasn't described at all, neither were the pheonixes and the chest itself. It's little things like this that make the fic longer, and makes the reader want to go on with the story. It'll also improve the length of the fic... which was pretty short by the way...