Wise words, nick-nacks, and underpants.

Started by Shiney September 13th, 2004 1:14 PM
  • 4692 views
  • 41 replies

Shiney

Sometimes, we come back!

Age 34
Where exploitation is exploration
Seen November 3rd, 2013
Posted March 13th, 2011
8,429 posts
19.3 Years
Here is the place where you can post funny things that you find, be it a joke, a picture, or whatever. Just remember, please stay within PC rules.

Let me kick it off with a well known dog joke...

There was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After 3 of their neighbors' houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.

So the young wife went to the pet store and said, "I need a good guard dog."

The clerk replied, "sorry, we're all sold out." "All we have left is this white Scottie dog, but, he does know karate."

The wife didn't believe the clerk, so he said to the dog, "Karate that chair."

The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces.

Then he said to the dog, "karate that table."

The dog went up to the table and broke it in half.

So, the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. The husband was, of course, disappointed and somewhat skeptical about the Scottie dog's abilities as a guard dog. When the wife told her husband that the dog knew karate, he said, "karate my butt!"

The husband is still in the hospital.
Age 32
The lone star state
Seen October 18th, 2004
Posted October 18th, 2004
84 posts
18.7 Years
I know some good jokes.

A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long life.
He said, "You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on you
oatmeal, see. If you do, you'll live to a nice ripe old age."
So the cowboy did this religiusly every day, and sure enogh,
lived to the nice ripe old age of 96. When he died he left
behind 4children, 8 grandchildren, 15 greatgrandchildren...
..........and a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

Kiri

Breeder & Berry Grower

Lilycove
Seen July 28th, 2008
Posted March 28th, 2005
435 posts
18.7 Years
EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY:

> > 8:00 a.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!

> > 9:30 a.m. Oh, boy! A car ride! My favorite!

> > 9:40 a.m. Oh, boy! A walk! My favorite!

> > 10:30 a.m. Oh, boy! Getting rubbed and petted! My favorite!

> > 11:30 a.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!

> > Noon - Oh, boy! The kids! My favorite!

> > 1:00 p.m. Oh, boy! The yard! My favorite!

> > 4:00 p.m. Oh, boy! To the park! My favorite!

> > 5:00 p.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!

> > 5:30 p.m. Oh, boy! Pretty Mums! My favorite!

> > 6:00 p..m. Oh, boy! Playing ball! My favorite!

> > 6:30 a.m. Oh, boy! Watching TV with my master! My favorite!

> > 8:30 p.m Oh, boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY:

Day 183 of My Captivity:

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair, must try this on their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts....They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.

But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

Wow! My 200th Post! Champagne all around in my nightclub :P

Yes- Kiri's BACK and she's STILL vaguely sleepy! PM me and I'll do a pic like this for you...
Age 33
Somewhere in my mind
Seen January 8th, 2006
Posted November 17th, 2004
172 posts
18.7 Years
this one is pretty funny i guess:

in the morning, i don't eat, i'm thinking of you
at noon i don't eat, i think about you
in the evening i don't eat, i think about you
at night i can't sleep, i'm hungry...

and a lot of ppl say my avvy is funny too

Trainercards are made by myself

My friends:
Daniel, Pokemon_Veteran, DarkRaikou, PGN, dark Charizard, Latias, I love may, Silly Sentret, Kin Girl, Novastorm, marto_mew, Absol, Vlad, Latias_Ex, Water Pokemon Master, oxyaction, cartmic

PM me if you wanna be in da list :-)

Cuz I'm a cruel man I'll take it all away and I'm a king 'n I'll make you pay. Cuz I'm a cruel man I'll burn it all away, and I'm a king 'n I'm here to stay.

1313666

Now with Kung-Fu grip! XD

Age 30
Taking over the world! I'm starting with where I live first,
Seen September 3rd, 2005
Posted February 8th, 2005
1,482 posts
18.9 Years
Your avvy is funny. Here's one I found:
One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does most of you, is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating as they were to me. The call was from AT&T and it went something like this:


Me: Hello

AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...

Me: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes This is AT&T...

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?

Me: May I ask who is calling?

AT&T This is AT&T.

Me: OK, hold on.

At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.

Me: Hello?

AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?

Me: May I ask who is calling please?

AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...

Me: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?

Me: Yes, is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes sir.

Me: The phone company?

AT&T: Yes sir.

Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.

AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.

Me: I already have a phone.

AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron.

Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but thanks for calling.

When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested", but this lady was persistent.

AT&T: Mr. Byron we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute but she at no time used the word rate. I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.

Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?

AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes sir that's right! 24 hours a day!

Me: 7 days a week?

AT&T: That's right.

Me: 365 days a year?

AT&T: Yes sir.

Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!

AT&T: We think so!

Me: That's quite a sum of money!

AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it ads up.

Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?

AT&T: Excuse me?

Me You know, the 10 cents a minute.

AT&T: What are you talking about?

Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.

AT&T: Oh no sir I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.

Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute? Are you sure this is AT&T?

AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but......

Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me!

AT&T: No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for.....

Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!

AT&T: Sir I don't think that is necessary.

Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?

AT&T: What?

Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!

AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold on.

So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food:

Supervisor: Mr. Byron?

Me: Yeth?

Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.

Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?

Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.

I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.

Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan. Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.

Me: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and was getting really hungry. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?

Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother...

AT&T: (click)
I am now NiNGi's Worst Nightmare. (new username)

1313666

Now with Kung-Fu grip! XD

Age 30
Taking over the world! I'm starting with where I live first,
Seen September 3rd, 2005
Posted February 8th, 2005
1,482 posts
18.9 Years
FUN THINGS TO DO AT K-mart
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3.Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Start playing Football; see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms
6. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
7. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all on and turn the volumes to "10".
8. Play with the automatic doors.
9. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
10. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this crap, anyway?"
11. Repeat Number 10 in the jewelry department.
12. Put M&M's on layaway.
13. Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins.
14. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
15. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"
16. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
17. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
18. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
19. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
20. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
21. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"
22. TP as much of the store as possible.
23. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
24. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.
25. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask,"Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
26. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
27. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
28. Take bets on the battle described above.
29. Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. G.I. Janes. (Red lipstick might give an interesting effect!!!)
30. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
31. While no one's watching quickly switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the rest room.
32. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission: Impossible."
33. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
34. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
35. Two words: "Marco Polo."
36. Drive around the entrances screaming out the window "the British are coming!"
37. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
38. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
39. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
40. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
I am now NiNGi's Worst Nightmare. (new username)
Age 32
The lone star state
Seen October 18th, 2004
Posted October 18th, 2004
84 posts
18.7 Years
I don't have any jokes right now but, I remember this time when these two homeless people got thrown in jail for lighting a dog on fire and watching burn alive (Don't worry, it didn't die but, it had no fur left XD I wish I could have seen that!)