Is Anybody Out There?

Started by PikaPikachu April 2nd, 2009 5:01 PM
  • 381 views
  • 1 replies
Seen October 30th, 2016
Posted December 13th, 2009
21 posts
14.1 Years
Prologue

Unjust. Ridiculius. Stupid. These were the thoughts running through his mind. What had just happened? He had no idea. He lay there half unconscious with mud all over him. His clothes had been ripped and his face scarred. The rain had just began and woke him up. 'What happened?' was the first thought in his mind. He began to scan the nearby area. A deeply wooded area with no sight of the sky. He stood up. As he began to walk toward a clearing he heard something. It was a high pitched whine. He stopped dead in his tracks. He located the direction of the whine and began to investigate. He walked for about thrity feet when he noticed the whining bush. He started to clear away the top layer when it jumped out. He lost his footing and quickly feel down onto the earth. He turned around and saw what it was. A pokemon. A Growlithe.

"Come here boy. Its ok." He talked in a soothing voice to cool Growlithe's nerves. It seemed to as worked as the Growlithe slowly began to wander his way. He stood perfectly still, not flinching a muscle. Growlithe began to sniff his hand. After about a good five minutes of gaining his scent the Growlithe accepted him, crawling up into his legs.

This Growlithe was different from the rest. A long scar ran the diagonal of his face. A black patch of hair appeared on both the top of his head and on his underside. His right ear seemed slightly disformed and had a small bite mark on the upper right. He knew nothing of its past. As he started to walk away the Growlithe ran to catch up. "No go back." he tried to keep it from following him as he pushed it back every couple steps. 'Oh well. I might as well have a friend.' he thought as he began to walk away. "Come on Harley, let's go."

ShinjisLover

Seen May 11th, 2016
Posted July 5th, 2010
3,043 posts
14.4 Years
Ridiculius
Ridiculous is spelled incorrectly.

As he began to walk toward a clearing he heard something.
You're missing a comma, which should be between 'clearing' and 'he'.

He lost his footing and quickly feel down onto the earth.
You mean 'fell' here.

"Come here boy. Its ok." He talked in a soothing voice to cool Growlithe's nerves.
As I've said many, many times before, you should make the H in He lowercase. Why? Because the sentence is still going on, despite the dialogue being over.

As he started to walk away the Growlithe ran to catch up. "No go back." he tried to keep it from following him as he pushed it back every couple steps.
Whenever you start a dialogue/monologue/any-kind-of-logue, you should start a new paragraph. It's easier to read.

All right, everything else seems to be good, though this part of the story seemed rather. . Bland. Like there was no emotion to it. We don't even know what the character looks like at all, but I'm sure we'll find out. You have a fair amount of description, though more wouldn't hurt. Like saying "The rain had just began and woke him up." won't cut it. Instead, say where the rain had fallen. His face? His hands? His legs? Was it a heavy rain or a drizzle of rain? What was he thinking at the time? Was he in any pain? Or was he just lying on the ground?

So, I suggest to state these kinds of things when writing. I'll be back for another review! ^_~

Hope this review helped! ^^