To Be A Pokemon Master

Started by ShadowLeader April 3rd, 2009 1:02 AM
  • 1157 views
  • 21 replies

ShadowLeader

because shadows follow...

Age 31
Above The Shadows
Seen February 9th, 2010
Posted August 1st, 2009
653 posts
14.2 Years
Hi. This is a kinda watered down version of the first chapter of a pokemon story I wrote like 5 yrs ago.(Chapters were way too long to post on here) My dad tore up the story and told me to grow up so I have to come completely from memory. Enjoy and tell me what you think!

Skylar awoke with a start. He quickly sat up and looked around his room. He was shaking all over. Sweat doused his pajamas and sheets. Flashes of his nightmare quickly overtook him. He had been dreaming about his father again. He took a deep breath, and relaxed. [I]It was all a dream.[I]He told himself. He rubbed his eyes.

He looked around his room again. His TV was still on, and clothes were strewn about. A calendar lay half buried under a pile of Pokemon magazines. Posters of Charizard adorned his walls. Each one a magnificent display; engulfed in flames.

Skylar yawned sleepily and laid back down in his bed. He began to relax. His eyes felt heavy. He started to fall asleep again. As he began to drift back into sleep, he couldn't help but think that he was forgetting something. Something very important.

This feeling went away as he finally fell asleep. His room was so peaceful. Suddenly, the door burst open and a load voice echoed through the room.
"GET UP YOU LAZY CHILD! YOU'LL BE LATE FOR YOUR MEETING WITH PROFESSOR BECKIT!" Skylar, startled, rolled off the bed and fell hard on to the floor.

"What was that all about mom?" He asked painfully. He slowly began to pick himself up off of the floor. He grumbled to himself. Then he processed what his mother had said to him.

"Oh yeah!" He said as he slapped himself on the forehead. "Today's the day I get my Charmander!" His eyes gleamed as he imagined himself standing on the winner's podium at the Pokemon League Tournament with his Charizard at his side. Suddenly, his mother's voice brought him out of his trance.

"C'MON SKYLAR THE MEETING STARTS IN TEN MINUTES!" She bellowed. Man she has some lungs. Skylar thought as he attempted to put his pants on; only to realize that they were on backwards. He grunted. He had to hurry. Prof. Beckit has a notorious reputation for giving away starter Pokemon to other trainers if you were late.

Skylar finally managed to get all his clothes on the way they were supposed to be and rushed downstairs. He ran through the kitchen, grabbing a piece of toast as he went, and shouted goodbye through a mouthful as he dashed out the door.

"GOOD LUCK HONEY!" His mom shouted after him. She smiled to herself. He is so much like his father, its scary. She thought to herself. Her eyes were shining. Fenton, I really wish you could see this.

I'm gonna go ahead and end it there. Let me know what you think! Pls post!

ShinjisLover

Seen May 11th, 2016
Posted July 5th, 2010
3,043 posts
14.4 Years
Skylar awoke with a start.
I'm not so sure what you meant here. . What do you mean 'a start'?

He quickly sat up and looked around his room. He was shaking all over. Sweat doused his pajamas and sheets. Flashes of his nightmare quickly overtook him. He had been dreaming about his father again.
All of these sentences just seem incredibly choppy. Skylar did this. He did that. He did this. He did that and this. See how it's just awkward to write like that? These sentences can be combined. May I?

"He quickly sat up, looking around his room as he tried to throw the nightmare from his mind. Skylar shivered and shook, causing him to sweat, dousing his pajamas and sheets with the salty water spewing from his pores. He had been dreaming about his father again."

His TV was still on, and clothes were strewn about.
For this, the comma isn't necessary since there were only two things being listed.

"GET UP YOU LAZY CHILD! YOU'LL BE LATE FOR YOUR MEETING WITH PROFESSOR BECKIT!"
Oh, dear. Well, as I say to many, many people, never ever type in all caps. Despite trying to make the mother sound angry, there is no reason to MAKE HER TALK LIKE THIS!, see how annoying that is? The readers can figure out that she's angry if you say that she was yelling angrily.

"What was that all about mom?" He asked painfully.
There should be a comma after mom and mom should have a capital M. Also, he can't really ask anything painfully. He can ask something and be in pain, though. Oh, and the H in He should be lowercase, even after dialogue/monologue/any-kind-of-logue since the sentence is still going on.

Skylar thought as he attempted to put his pants on; only to realize that they were on backwards.
This is a classic example of improper semicolon usage. The semicolon only separates two complete sentences. In this case "Skylar thought as he attempted to put his pants on" is a complete sentence. Whilst "only to realize that they were on backwards" is not. Now, if you said "Skylar thought as he attempted to put his pants on; he realized he had accidentally placed his jeans/sweatpants/whatever kind of pants he's wearing on backwards." that would be correct.

Prof. Beckit has a notorious reputation for giving away starter Pokemon to other trainers if you were late.
Stay away from abbreviations in your stories, like Prof. or PKMN (though I doubt you'd use that), unless it's trademarked that way. Saying PokéGear is fine. Just like saying Pokétch instead of Pokémon Watch is perfectly acceptable.

All right, now I have a few things to say. You need a lot of work, my friend. You have 0 description, which is a necessity. Things like "Skylar finally managed to get all his clothes on the way they were supposed to be and rushed downstairs." aren't going to cut it. . What kinds of clothes was he wearing? What he in a hallway when he went down the stairs? Or are the stairs connected to his bedroom? All of these things have to be explained. Also, what's going on inside Skylar's head? Nothing? That's what you're suggesting. Be sure to state his thoughts and feelings, and not just the actions, although they are important as well.

You need to start combining your sentences instead of having all of them just simple sentences. Play around with compound sentences and complex sentences as well.

Also, try to make these chapters longer. I'd suggest to write at least 1500 words per chapter.

I'm not really seeing a plot to this story, but it's only the first chapter. I'll be back to review and, let's just hope, your story gets better from my guidelines.

Hopefully this review helped!
And your dad sounds like a jackass. . >.>"

ShadowLeader

because shadows follow...

Age 31
Above The Shadows
Seen February 9th, 2010
Posted August 1st, 2009
653 posts
14.2 Years
wow...u really took this review thing seriously! man....talk about critical...
no offense but i dont really care about things like grammar. i know its important, and trust me i am really good at it. this was just a trial chapter to see what people think about the general idea. i also wrote it simple and with little description on purpose. majority readers like to skim and get a general picture. also, this allows readers to invision characters the way they want them to look like. I didnt describe the house because its not that important. it never shows back up in the story. The caps lock thing is because i like EMPHASIS. it draws attention and really causes u to hear someone screaming at u. and since this character is a mother a lot of people can relate. but thanks for the critisism! ill remember next time to try and fix my grammar errors. spelling is another story. and as for the abbriviations they are there cuz i was too lazy to write out the word. sry if it bothers u. Also, there really is nothing going on in his head. he is as dumb as a box of rocks. truth is, his thoughts might not be portrayed that often because he is one of those types of people who could have a gun to his head and all he could think about is whats on tv later on that night. and a lot of writers use painfully after asked. i read on occasion and ive seen this. the chapter is really short because...welll..i got tired....sry...next time when i revise the chapter it will be pretty long. when i worte this story originally it was over 30 chapters long and had about 150 pages..and i wasnt even half way through...so thanx again for the criticism! i really appreciate it!

Oh and PS
about my dad....U HAVE NO IDEA!....c...it does help with the whole dramatic affect..
but seriously...u have no idea..

oh and also..
did u realize that u wrote more review than there was story?...just wanted to point that out..
A small town ^^
Seen February 22nd, 2015
Posted October 26th, 2010
252 posts
15.2 Years
Well, I'm not saying anything about grammar and sentences 'cause there are lots of people who will say it better than me and also because I read you wanted to see people's reaction about the story.

I think that although it may be a bit 'cliche', it's still the first chapter and I don't know how the story will evolve. I just wonder how everyone love Charizard... I just don't understand that XD

Well, just go ahead and keep in writing. I'm not an expert at this but I think that if you sit down seriously and write this very chapter in a 'good grammar' way the story would be cool ;)

And as Shinjislover said, your dad had to be a jackass XD

Non-Pokemon Writings:
I Desire..
Blue and Green
Title-less

Pokemon Writings:
Green Everlasting (OneShot)
My First Fic: The Rivalry






..:: The Poetry does not belong to its creator, but the one who needs it ::..

ShadowLeader

because shadows follow...

Age 31
Above The Shadows
Seen February 9th, 2010
Posted August 1st, 2009
653 posts
14.2 Years
man i guess i have to admit something.....i kinda wrote that at like five in the morning after pulling an all nighter....and now that i go back and reread it i can see the mistakes I made. and yet i still like it the way it is...oh and fyi Feathing, CHARIZARD RULES!!!

ShinjisLover

Seen May 11th, 2016
Posted July 5th, 2010
3,043 posts
14.4 Years
I didnt describe the house because its not that important. it never shows back up in the story.
It matters at that point in time, so you have to describe it or else your readers don't know what it looks like. Regardless of whether or not it shows up again. =/

The caps lock thing is because i like EMPHASIS. it draws attention and really causes u to hear someone screaming at u.
Uhm, no. It's just a pain to read and does not provide any kind of emphasis.

spelling is another story. and as for the abbriviations they are there cuz i was too lazy to write out the word.
You've been writing out all the other words in the story, so I'm sure spelling 'Professor' wouldn't kill you.

and a lot of writers use painfully after asked.
Like who? Fanfic writers? If fanfic writers do it, it doesn't mean you should. They're not professionals and I've never seen a professional writer say things like that.

U HAVE NO IDEA!....c...it does help with the whole dramatic affect..
. . . No. . It doesn't. . >.>

oh and also..
did u realize that u wrote more review than there was story?...just wanted to point that out..
That just means you need to take your time to write and write more and better.

EDIT:
ShinjisLover - let him write, its obvious he was having fun as he was typing this.
What? So I'm the bad guy because I gave him a good, long, and in-depth review? =/

Giratina ♀

what's your sign?

Female
Seen July 23rd, 2013
Posted July 22nd, 2013
1,439 posts
15.1 Years
I'm now going to put a narration on my thoughts for this chapter, as well as some handy-dandy tips for later on.

And yes, we take this reviewing thing 'seriously'. ;D

Skylar awoke with a start. He quickly sat up and looked around his room.
Wait... hold up. 'His'? It's a girl's name... I've never seen a boy named Skylar before.

Or a person named Skylar, for that matter.

He was shaking all over. Sweat doused his pajamas and sheets.
I'm sorry, but there's just no way you can give out that much sweat - to dampen your pajamas and your bedsheets - from sleeping in bed for eight hours or so.

Flashes of his nightmare quickly overtook him. He had been dreaming about his father again.
Oh, no... please don't tell me this kid is plagued by horrible nightmares. And about his father, too? I feel like I've seen this a million times before!

He took a deep breath, and relaxed. [i]It was all a dream.[i]He told himself. He rubbed his eyes.
You forgot the / in the formatting. If you're gonna use some bracket-formatting, please take the time to do it right.

He looked around his room again. His TV was still on,
For eight hours? Surely someone had noticed by now?

and clothes were strewn about. A calendar lay half buried under a pile of Pokemon magazines. Posters of Charizard adorned his walls. Each one a magnificent display; engulfed in flames.
A Charizard barely visible behind a giant lob of fire that took over its entire body so that you can't see the Charizard itself. Magnificent!


Skylar yawned sleepily and laid back down in his bed. He began to relax. His eyes felt heavy. He started to fall asleep again.
See, this is where some people get lost. When you list a lot of things like that, it sounds like a very bored person is rattling off his shopping list. Do you want your story to sound like a bored person rattling off his shopping list?

As he began to drift back into sleep, he couldn't help but think that he was forgetting something. Something very important.

This feeling went away as he finally fell asleep.
All of his conscious feelings went away. He's asleep!

His room was so peaceful.
How does he know this if he's asleep?

Suddenly, the door burst open and a load voice echoed through the room.
"GET UP YOU LAZY CHILD! YOU'LL BE LATE FOR YOUR MEETING WITH PROFESSOR BECKIT!"
No need for the caps lock there. An exclamation point and some italics get the same point across.

Skylar, startled, rolled off the bed and fell hard on to the floor.
So he went from the middle of his bed, rolled to the edge, and was dragged to the ground instead of sitting up to see what the commotion was like a normal person.

Mhm.

"What was that all about mom?" He asked painfully. He slowly began to pick himself up off of the floor. He grumbled to himself. Then he processed what his mother had said to him.
More examples of the bored-person-reading-shopping-list thing.

"Oh yeah!" He said as he slapped himself on the forehead. "Today's the day I get my Charmander!" His eyes gleamed as he imagined himself standing on the winner's podium at the Pokemon League Tournament with his Charizard at his side.
We now know that he will not get a Charmander.

Suddenly, his mother's voice brought him out of his trance.

"C'MON SKYLAR THE MEETING STARTS IN TEN MINUTES!" She bellowed.
'Bellowed' is enough here - no need for the sticky-caps.

Man she has some lungs.
There should be a comma after 'man', as it was describing Skylar's emotions.

And yes, Skylar, your human mother has some lungs.

Skylar thought as he attempted to put his pants on; only to realize that they were on backwards. He grunted. He had to hurry. Prof. Beckit has a notorious reputation for giving away starter Pokemon to other trainers if you were late.
'Grunted' doesn't sound like it would work as a stand-alone sound here. Perhaps 'sighed' or 'groaned' would fit better?

Skylar finally managed to get all his clothes on the way they were supposed to be and rushed downstairs. He ran through the kitchen, grabbing a piece of toast as he went, and shouted goodbye through a mouthful as he dashed out the door.

"GOOD LUCK HONEY!" His mom shouted after him.
Again, no need for sticky-caps. Does this woman have a megaphone lodged in her throat or something?

She smiled to herself. He is so much like his father, its scary. She thought to herself. Her eyes were shining. Fenton, I really wish you could see this.
...and, of course, there's a mention of Skylar's super-mysterious dad in the most unstandard moment of the entire story!

Okay.

I know you scrapped this together at five in the morning after an all-nighter (which isn't the greatest of times to write, by the way) but you really need to work on this. Sticky-caps do not show shouting appropriately unless you use it in small, tasteful amounts instead of almost every line of dialogue the character has. If you vouch for the second option, it sounds really annoying and makes the mother seem like she's deaf.

As for your explanation for the lack of description, it doesn't help and can get very unnatural. For example, the only other piece of literature I have read with a character named Skylar involved the Skylar character as a stuck-up female movie star. Without any description to separate the two, I end up imagining your failed-parental-tragedy-stricken Skylar as a stuck-up female movie star. I'm sorry.

Also, your little 'it isn't important later in the story' thing won't slide either. It's important now. If you have a classic cops-and-robbers story about some group of thieves stealing a famous thing, would you not tell us what the famous thing is until the last chapter of the story where it turns out the item in question is an old painting and is highly flammable? No.

'Too lazy to write out the word.' You're too lazy to write out a word, but not a whole chapter? Your logic confuses me!

If you want to tell us that Skylar's an oblivious kind of boy, tell us in the story, which is the part more people read. To use my 6th grade Writing teacher's example: "Imagine you are reading this story to an old woman in a nursing home with a very heavy purse. The old woman can't imagine things all that well and didn't have a good imagination in the first place." She won't listen to any explanations you give her after you finish the story; neither will readers.

And yep, your dad sounds like a real jerk and I recommend saving stories on the computer.

Or convincing him to go to a parental help center.

Both options work well. :/

ShadowLeader

because shadows follow...

Age 31
Above The Shadows
Seen February 9th, 2010
Posted August 1st, 2009
653 posts
14.2 Years
Well.....first id like to say that u really do sound offended by the way i wrote this story. i mean the person who wrote the second long review. now i do agree that a long and in depth review is nescisary (i don think i spelled that right) for truly helping a writer improve his story and overall skills. but like i said before i dont really care about the grammar thing. i was just wanting to hear some opinions on the whole geberal story. but i do appreciate it. trust me next time when i post the revised and improved chapter, im sure ull be satisfied with the imagery and descriptions. sry but im not going to stop using caps lock. i like it. it may be annoying to some but most people really dont care. at least i dont. and yes his mom has some iron lungs. but she is really the only character who yells load enough for caps lock. i only use caps lock for extremely loud yelling. or painfully emotional yelling.:) and fyi i have never met a girl with the name Skylar...and its a unisex name like Jesse or Kim. wait...not Kim...anyway. admittedly i have only ever met one dude whos name was Skylar. but that is still 1 more than the number of girls named Skylar i met :P oh and ShinjisLover..i dont think i have ever seen a fanfic writer use painfully no...but i have read books where it was used....where do u think i got the idea to use that...anyway thanks again....i mean THANK YOU!!...lol....

JX Valentine

Your aquatic overlord

Female
Harassing Bill
Seen August 19th, 2020
Posted December 8th, 2012
3,276 posts
19 Years
but like i said before i dont really care about the grammar thing.
I'd hate to say this, but...

Your reader does. As you can see above with two out of three reviews. I'd even throw in my two cents, but ShinjisLover and Giratinasaur already covered my points. And besides, I'm not exactly sober or awake right now.

In any case, yeah, the more grammatical errors there are, the harder it is to read, especially for a longer work. When it comes to long work (like chapters or entire stories), readers are used to seeing work that's basically book-quality. As in, it's been through an editor, most likely multiple times. Hence, the work we read has very few grammatical errors. So, if you throw in a few, we're more likely to be tripped up by your writing because we stumble across errors that might change the way the sentence reads.

For example, you've got the italics tags in the middle of the first paragraph and the lack of the comma before "mom" in "What was that all about mom?" -- the latter of which implies the subject is mom. Both situations cause the reader to reread the sentence in order to make sense of it, or it just slows them down because they recognize that there's an error. As a result, they're not reading the story as quickly as they should, and the narration becomes slightly jarring to them.

In shorter and easier to understand terms, imagine a river. Good grammar (as the result of proofreading and going over your work with a beta) makes the water flow smoothly from point A to point B. Bad grammar is a river with rocks in the middle. The water may not be entirely conscious of the rock, but it still interrupts that smooth flow. Hence, the first river is the feeling you want your readers to have as they read because it means they're focused more on your story and less on trying to make sense of what you're saying or the feeling of "there's something not quite right here." What you may be having instead (judging by how people are responding and my own read-through of the story) is the rocky river analogy.

In other words, yes, you're trying to get opinions on the visuals, but it might be easier for us to focus on the visuals if you considered your reviewers' advice. And by "advice," yeah, that includes the grammar bits. (I know it's a bit difficult when it's biting, but even then, maybe try filtering through that to find the core of it and see if it's advice you can use.) After all, you're posting your story to get their opinions, and opinions are what they gave you. If your reader is having difficulties focusing on what you want them to, chances are, you need to fix something up so that all their attention can be pointed to that one point you want to make.

it may be annoying to some but most people really dont care. at least i dont.
Please don't generalize your reader. Chances are, they do actually care (for the aforementioned reason of what is and isn't jarring to the reader), particularly on a writing forum full of people who have been writing and posting a lot of stories. Also, keep in mind the readers you have in a particular community. Not every community is the same, and because you're posting to entertain others and get opinions, you'll want to really be wary of what your audience thinks in general (not just in visuals and plot and whatnot) because they're really the reason why you're posting to a community. To put it gently and simply, if you didn't want a particular community's opinion, you'd probably want to go elsewhere or keep your work private. However, if you get the feeling that a community's standards are X, Y, and Z, you'll just have to adhere to X, Y, and Z because otherwise, you'll either get negative reviews or no one reading at all. (If that all makes sense, anyway. Feel free to tell me if it doesn't.)

I know it seems like I'm writing a book, but I'm just giving you a little heads up that when you ask for reviews, you'll just have to take the entire thing. Otherwise, people will just keep on telling you something's wrong, and they may end up taking up the pitchforks and torches, depending on how adamantly you say you don't care. That and, yeah, even if you don't like it, it's highly recommended that you proofread and submit your work to a beta reader before posting your work as a courtesy to your audience. Once you take both into consideration, you'll find that it's much easier to get the response you want.
Professional ninja. May or may not actually be back. Here for the snark and banter at most.

Need some light reading?
Anima Ex Machina (Chapter 20 now available)
The Leaf Green Incident (SWC 2012 winner)
Braid (Creepypasta apparently)
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ShadowLeader

because shadows follow...

Age 31
Above The Shadows
Seen February 9th, 2010
Posted August 1st, 2009
653 posts
14.2 Years
k i guess i wasnt clear in my last post. ill try again. im not trying to offend any readers. what i meant about the i dont care about the grammar thing was that i didnt care about that particular chapter. i normally hold grammar in the upmost importance. its like when u write an essay in class but the teacher tells u that spelling and grammar doesnt matter, they just want to grade the story. well, they do this in high school a lot. usually at the beginning of a new year. but anyway. im not trying to offend anyone. and dude i have to say, i never expected someone to do a review of my comment....that was a new one for me....just wanted to say that....i thought it was funny.....and next time ill write the chapter on my computer first...then copy and past it...that will be easier....oh and to the person who said that i should get more experience.....i have experience...ive been writing stories for years.....my only problem is i dont complete many of the stories i write....anyway like i said i dont want to offend anyone....and fyi im not exactly sober either....but thats a diff story..

JX Valentine

Your aquatic overlord

Female
Harassing Bill
Seen August 19th, 2020
Posted December 8th, 2012
3,276 posts
19 Years
well, they do this in high school a lot.
Erm... Mine didn't. O_o In fact, if I submitted stuff that wasn't proofread first, I'd still get red pen all over my work to tell me I'm doing it wrong, especially in the creative writing classes I've taken. I'm pretty sure it was the same for the high schools of all of my other college buddies. (And to be honest, I never really had that kind of comment since middle school. Not to offend you or anything, but in the schools my friends and I went to, the teachers usually realized grammar and content go hand in hand. So, I'm not really sure it's fair to say that it happens in high school a lot.)

and dude i have to say, i never expected someone to do a review of my comment....
It's mostly because negative responses to reviews (i.e., the kind that say "I really don't care about what you're trying to tell me") either result in the author getting more negative responses or the story getting ignored around here. On some (albeit extreme) occasions, if you're adamant enough about it, you might get your thread shut down. I figured you might want to know so you can get the help and advice you want.

and next time ill write the chapter on my computer first...then copy and past it...that will be easier....
It usually is. You can save your work on a word processing document (e.g., on Microsoft Word or Open Office) so you can spend more time working on it. More time = better quality.

And, of course, more time to proofread.
Professional ninja. May or may not actually be back. Here for the snark and banter at most.

Need some light reading?
Anima Ex Machina (Chapter 20 now available)
The Leaf Green Incident (SWC 2012 winner)
Braid (Creepypasta apparently)
Domain | Dreamwidth | Twitter
Age 36
Seen 14 Hours Ago
Posted 2 Days Ago
I don't have oodles amount of free time to deal with everything, but...

Wait... hold up. 'His'? It's a girl's name... I've never seen a boy named Skylar before.

Or a person named Skylar, for that matter.
It's both. It's a unisex name. (For the love of the Hive Queen, do research before reviewing, people!)

And if just because the name isn't a common name in the real world doesn't mean that a writer can't use it, if that was what you were implying.

ShadowLeader

because shadows follow...

Age 31
Above The Shadows
Seen February 9th, 2010
Posted August 1st, 2009
653 posts
14.2 Years
thanx everybody for ur feedback! i gave everyone good post reputation for it..i will put up the new and revised Chapter 1 soon! that way u can nit pick at a whole new mess of my mistakes!!! hope u enjoyed! the next one will be more better i promise (yes i said that....)....but ill still throw in a caps error every now and then....just for u guys!...lol...:D
Age 36
Seen 14 Hours Ago
Posted 2 Days Ago
Because now I have the time to actually cover a few things:

What do you mean 'a start'?
A jolt, a jerk, sudden movement waking up. When you hear a loud noise while sleeping and are jolted out of bed, you "wake with a start".

Also, he can't really ask anything painfully.
Yeah, the character can. "Painfully" describes how Skylar asked the question. In the instance ShadowLeader used it, "in pain" would make sense. But there are other instances where "painfully" would fit, since a definition of painfully is "requiring effort".

So, in other words, never say never.

I'm sorry, but there's just no way you can give out that much sweat - to dampen your pajamas and your bedsheets - from sleeping in bed for eight hours or so.
Depends on the person, the heat in the room, body temperature, how much the person sweats. There are various factors, and it is possible.

'Grunted' doesn't sound like it would work as a stand-alone sound here. Perhaps 'sighed' or 'groaned' would fit better?
A definition of "grunt" is a "deep guttural sound", which is a sound made in the deep part of the throat. People grunt all the time, since grunting is an entirely different sound than groaning or sighing, especially the latter. (Sighing is "to take a deep audible breath".)

Also, your little 'it isn't important later in the story' thing won't slide either. It's important now. If you have a classic cops-and-robbers story about some group of thieves stealing a famous thing, would you not tell us what the famous thing is until the last chapter of the story where it turns out the item in question is an old painting and is highly flammable? No.
If the item is important, then yes, I would say that description for said item is important. In your example, the "famous thing" is a main part of the plot. It's the driving force behind the story, so yeah, you would describe it.

However, if it's some part of the scenery where a character is in for the max of like five minutes and never returns to again, then why would you spend the time describing that when you could move on to more important things, like the plot actually moving. ShadowLeader could describe the house, so that you know that Skylar lives in a New American-style house, with two bedrooms, one bathroom, no garage, hardwood floors except for in the living room because it's more comfortable to have deep purple carpeting in the room where the family gathers around to watch their favorite television show on their 32-inch TV, as Mum sits on her maroon recliner and Skylar sits on said deep purple carpet...

Or ShadowLeader could just give what's important to know about the house (Skylar wants a Charmander because Charizard's his favorite Pokemon, as shown by the Charizard posters all over his room) and move on to Skylar getting his first Pokemon, which is what we all came here to read.

Tsk. Tsk. People.

ShinjisLover

Seen May 11th, 2016
Posted July 5th, 2010
3,043 posts
14.4 Years
Yeah, the character can. "Painfully" describes how Skylar asked the question. In the instance ShadowLeader used it, "in pain" would make sense. But there are other instances where "painfully" would fit, since a definition of painfully is "requiring effort".

So, in other words, never say never.
That would make absolutely no sense. Sorry, but it's a no-no. =/
Age 36
Seen 14 Hours Ago
Posted 2 Days Ago
"Painfully" is an adverb. It describes how a sentence is spoken. You can either say "he asked painfully" or "he asked, his voice full of pain".

I'm not sure how much further to explain it, because both of those examples say the same thing. The question that is asked is spoken by a character that is in physical/emotional pain. And also, it's six in the morning, and whytf I'm caring about this, I don't know. I like wank, okay?

How did the character ask the question?

Painfully.

Painfully, he asked, "Why is it so hard?"

I mean, I know adverbs tend to be frowned upon because the writing should show how the question is asked without relying on adverbs, but they can still be used.

I'd really love to hear why exactly saying "He painfully asked the question" makes no sense. Let's just focus on that, please.

ShinjisLover

Seen May 11th, 2016
Posted July 5th, 2010
3,043 posts
14.4 Years
As you said, the adverb in this case is frowned upon. How can someone ask something painfully? I don't get it and I never will. Saying his voice was full of pain would make sense, unlike saying he said something 'painfully'. Just say it out loud to yourself. You'll see that it sounds stupid and really doesn't make any sense. Like you, I don't know how to make it clearer than I already have. I'll try to summarize this in one sentence:

You can not say something painfully, you can say something with pain in your voice.

ShadowLeader

because shadows follow...

Age 31
Above The Shadows
Seen February 9th, 2010
Posted August 1st, 2009
653 posts
14.2 Years
lol....that was funny man....really funny.....but im sayin i have asked something painfully before. no pain in my voice. and sry but i use that in my writing occasionally...so u wont have to deal with it very often....but it stays..
Age 28
Seen January 26th, 2011
Posted September 16th, 2010
108 posts
14.3 Years
I read the revise version, what you got on the sotry is good although the name really makes me laugh since Skylar is a girl's name, well mostly. Even though the grammar is a little better you still need to add some more and you also need more description for your chapters, but no rush
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