A Return to Evil

Started by Hiroshi Sotomura April 4th, 2009 2:51 AM
  • 528 views
  • 2 replies

ShinjisLover

Seen May 11th, 2016
Posted July 5th, 2010
3,043 posts
14.4 Years
As with all prisons, there would only one reason why people are kept . . .


There would only be one reason, I believe is what you meant to say.

for a minor who had put the lives of many under his control using technology, managed an entire crime syndicate that wreaked havoc across many regions, and in the name of science, had violated many laws.


You had separated this with a semi-colon, but I see no indication that this is a complete sentence.

addressing Shadow, "You gots yourself a new cellmate.

The Y in You should be lowercase, since the sentence is still going on.

"Yessir!",

Random comma is random. =P

"So Shadow, healthy as always, I see?",

Other random comma is random.

"Give me a break",

I believe that should be inside of the quotation.

"Pocha?" the penguin responded.

Pocha? But you call it Piplup a little later, not Pochama, why the sudden change?


Well, all-in-all, this story was rather bland. Not much description, all talk, it was hard to picture anything. Also, the dialogue was placed so closely together and wasn't spaced out at all, so it was difficult to read. And when you place a comma at the end of dialogue, you should have the next word in lowercases, not any uppercase unless the word is a proper noun.

This was also rather boring, due to lack of description. Not just that, but it was incredibly short, too. I'd say to make each chapter at least 1500 words. Unless this was the prologue, of course, but I didn't see you put that anywhere.

Hope this review helped! ^^

Shadow

Original Flavor Darkness

Age 34
Male
The Middle of Nowhere!
Seen August 6th, 2021
Posted July 27th, 2021
2,863 posts
19.6 Years
The boy named Ash carried on along the mountain trail, bringing his hand up to his forehead, using it like a makeshift visor, trying to look into the distance. Meanwhile, his yellow friend climbed up his back and settled onto his head, leaning over the rim of Ash's hat to mimic the action of the trainer beneath.

"Ash, wait up!" called the eldest of the trio of trainers as he and Dawn ran to catch up.
"Yeah, you'll get yourself killed alone out here," next came the voice of Dawn herself as she stopped right behind the first trainer.
"Well, you guys should hurry up!" Ash turned about, extending his arms and clenching his hands, as if grabbing for something. "Food! It's waiting for me to eat it!"
"Pi-pikachu," the Pokémon once again imitating its owner, making similar grabbing gestures from its perch.
"You don't know what kind of trouble could be out there, though," Dawn sighed, shaking her head back and forth.

"Did you hear that? They're looking for trouble," came a rather feminine voice from the bushes.
"Ah, that brings back the memories on the double," followed a handsome male who was crouched in the bush next to her.
"Will you two shut it? Dey'll hear us!"
A cream colored cat jumped onto both of their heads, slamming his hind paws down on them, almost knocking the binoculars out of their respective grasps. The female grabs the talking Pokémon and shoves it to the ground before the pair resume staring out of their binoculars towards the trio moving along the path.
"Curse this fog," the red-haired female mutters, craning her neck to look straight upwards as they move the bush closer so they could actually see their targets.

"Hey, I wonder if there's a Pokémon in there..." Ash glanced down towards a bush at his side that was rattling and making a bit of noise. As the trainer reached for his pocket for his trusty PokéDex, however, Dawn grabbed onto his ear, yanking him down the path.
"I thought you were starving just a second ago. Let's keep moving," she demands, dragging the whining boy with a Pikachu planted on his head.

"So, where is this Aster?" Shadow crosses his arms, lowering his head to inspect the prison outside of his cell, eyes glancing about as if plotting an escape for the brief few seconds the cell would be open for the prisoner delivery.

Aster. Where had he heard that name before? It was true he recalled a Team Rocket member named that, though the name seemed to be more important than just a passing face in that old organization.