"In this war children who can barely mount a horse, await death.
In this war men who are fathers and husbands, await death.
In this war elders who have already fought thier share of wars, await death.
In this war children that have lost there fathers , await death.
In this war wives who know their husbands are going to die, await death.
In this war horses who are mounted by warriors clad in armor, awit death"
- I really don't care for this stanza, its definetly not the strong part of this poem. This is extremely vague, and the wording is awkward. when I read this it just screamed re- write. You don't establish there being a war prior to this and it makes it very confusing. also the repetiton here is not needed, and convulutes the poem making it hard to read. either revise this stanza or just rewrite the whole thing.
"hen this war starts lives will be lost becuase of one's person's greed.
When this war starts walls, houses, and farms will fall to greed."
-try to find a synonym for greed instead of using it twice
"After this war the dead will lie on the field wishing for life."
-er wishing for life, doesn't really make any sense. I think you maybe meant to say wounded wishing for death or something along those lines. lol sorry I couldn't think of anything more eloquent its late x_x
"Today we fight to
Save our kingdom and culture.
Death awaits our souls"
-yeah this is pretty well written right here. sorry to be anal, but I really don't like the use of the word culture here lol, but besides that this part is my favorite : D
-okay overall all fairly well written, but eh the whole repetition spiel really doesn't spark my interest. Even though you have a good wiritng style it makes it boring and hard to read. Also I would like to see more variety in your diction, and maybe make it a little less vague, then you'll be good to go : D.
Oh yeah and would you do me a favor and comment on one of my poems that nobody has commented on for some reason. I think its a few threads down, its called "seduction in B minor" If you would just tell me what you think, I would realy appreciate it. k thanx
"We must carry war into every corner the enemy happens to carry it, to his home, to his centers of entertainment:a total war. It is neccesary to prevent him from having a moment of peace, a quiet moment outside his barracks or even inside; we must attack him wherever he may be, make him feel like a cornered beast wherever he may move. then his moral fiber shall begin to decline, but we shall notice how signs of decadence begin to disappear."- Che Guevara
"shoot, coward, you are only going to kill a man"-Ernesto "Che" Guevara