Hi! It was still really good, if a teensy bit short, but I noticed a few mistakes on the very firs sentence
I walked along the bridge to the ranger school by partner parischu perched on my shoulder the gentle breeze blowing felt good and the sun was high in the sky
Now, I'm just assuming that your partner is Pachirisu, and by the way it should say my partner, not by. It had a lack of comments, which will probably lead to lack of breath. It would look better like this:
I walked along the bridge to the Ranger school, my partner Pachirisu perched on my shoulder. There was a gentle breeze flowing that felt good, and the sun was high in the sky, keeping planet earth warm
Okay, I just added in the last planet earth thing in becaus eI thoguht it sounded good. Although it won't be keeping the entire planet warm since it doesn't cover it all at one time. Anywhoo, I added in commas and a full stop. I'm just thinking now that 'parischu' might be a nicnname. please tell me if it is >.<
The reason I was today was that today was the outdoor class and I was the lucky one to get picked.
This didn't quite make sense. The reason I was today = ? should it be :the reason I was happy today? Also, 'Today was the outdoor class and I was the lucky one to get picked'
Now, I know what this means because I have played the ranger game, but you still need to explain how you were the lucky one to get picked, and picked for what?.
no need to quote thsi bit, but I think "I'm be 15" should be either "I'm 15" Or "I'll be 15". I think the former, because I WILL be implys it is not ehr birthday, which doesn't make sense since (oh that nearly rhymes!) Lamont said her birthday is today.
at the end of the sentence, the speech "sure lead the way" doesn't have a closing '
In the second paragraph, there are quite a few people speaking, but with no speech marks.
by the way, speech marks are usually " not ' , but they sometimes are. I just wanted to point that out, you don't really have to edit that if you don't want to
Well, it certainly was better than the first one! the prologue and first chapter combined are the beggingings of a brilliant story! And you can't say that about many! keep it up! ^^