Pokemon Ranger Hybrid!!!

Started by PokemonRangerKid April 8th, 2009 3:53 AM
  • 824 views
  • 6 replies
In front the laptop
Seen February 17th, 2010
Posted May 12th, 2009
9 posts
14.2 Years
THis is my first FanFic so please be kind. Constructive criticism accepted. THe story will hopefully get better later on
Prolouge
A terrified 13 year old boy ran down the dark alleyway desperately trying to get away from his pursuer. When he reached the dead end he turned around to face the man who was holding a syringe a grinning madly. He pinned him against the wall covering his mouth to stop him from screaming. The man injected him with the golden liquid and the boy jolted as if he had been electrocuted. The man then flew away carrying the boy on a nearby Staraptor that had been waiting for him.

Neutrino

The Jelly-Stuff of legend...

Age 28
Male
Leeds, England
Seen July 10th, 2010
Posted March 28th, 2010
333 posts
14.3 Years
Yeah, I gotta agree with Skadi. The only thing you need to do is make it longer! I mean, that is about the size of a well put together paragraph. I didn't spot any spelling mistakes, save the way you put 'THe' twice in the foreword instead of 'The', whic is correct. And there wasn't really any description. I mean, there were a few cases of adverbs, surely, but there was no background. No information. There was nothing to explain what was actually going on, so to speak.

I mean, you explained that a 13 year old boy was being chased by a man with a syringe, the man caught him and injected him, and then flew off, and that is it. Unless it's one of those things where there's a bit to make you wonder, then the story goes on and reveals more and more, but even then there should be more to it.

like, it could go like this:

A terrified 13 year old boy ran down the dark alleyway desperately trying to get away from his pursuer. When he reached the dead end he turned around to face the man who was holding a syringe a grinning madly. He pinned him against the wall covering his mouth to stop him from screaming. The man injected him with the golden liquid and the boy jolted as if he had been electrocuted. The man then flew away carrying the boy on a nearby Staraptor that had been waiting for him.

***

<carry on here>
Like that. If it's difficult, then what I mean is, the '***' is used to show a change of scene, so you could add this prologue into your first chapter, then add the rest of the first chapter where I said '<carry on here>', but it should be a long first chapter, so try adding bti's in! ^^

Mika

もえじゃないも

Female
Seen February 11th, 2013
Posted June 11th, 2011
1,034 posts
17.5 Years
Maybe this will help? n.n I do this with my friends...

A terrified 13 year old boy ran down the dark alleyway desperately trying to get away from his pursuer.
Why is he terrified? What's the alleyway like? Does it smell? is it damp? Is there a hobo with a knife or a hobo in general that he has to avoid/walk around for fear of being stabbed or tripping over? What about the sounds? Do we hear things like rain? When I first read your little prolouge, I thought it was raining... maybe he's running through puddles or something?

When he reached the dead end he turned around to face the man who was holding a syringe a grinning madly.
o3o I really really REALLY wanna know what he looks like. men with syringes make me giddy but I have no idea other than the stereotypical image that pops into my head. Also, what's the dead end like? did he just stop or try and climb?

He pinned him against the wall covering his mouth to stop him from screaming.
So what else happened? If his mouth is covered, did he try and bite the guy? Did he struggle, maybe get a kick or two in?

The man injected him with the golden liquid and the boy jolted as if he had been electrocuted.
Oooo I wanna know more about that liquid. You say it's golden, does it sparkle in the light of the alleyway? You're also being a little redundant when you put jolted and electrocuted in the same sentence, what exactly did he feel? Did he feel the effects immediately? Did it spread all at once?


The man then flew away carrying the boy on a nearby Staraptor that had been waiting for him.
So it came out of nowhere? is it a ninja Staraptor? That's kinda cool, if it dropped like a brick from the darkness. Where are they heading? Did the boy have a thought as he fell unconscious and felt himself being carried away?


^^; I hope my questions help maybe yes~
In front the laptop
Seen February 17th, 2010
Posted May 12th, 2009
9 posts
14.2 Years
Thanks for the comments i'll try to keep those in mind. The first chapter seems to hve nothing to do with the prolouge but they will come together in the next few chapters.

Holly P.O.V.
I walked along the bridge to the ranger school by partner parischu perched on my shoulder the gentle breeze blowing felt good and the sun was high in the sky. The reason I was today was that today was the outdoor class and I was the lucky one to get picked. I smiled as I went through the huge iron gates and approached the school. I went into the staffroom. Principal Lamont was in the room. ‘Holly how are you? It’s your birthday today’ ‘Fine thanks, I’m be 15’ wondering why he was asking ‘Well then here’s a little gift for you’ He took a box out of his pocket. ‘You shouldn’t have.’ I said blushing. I opened the box and there was a red book inside as I realised that it was a miniature photo album the type that could fit into your pocket. There were pictures inside and some I didn’t even remember being taken. There were photos of all my friends and family. Thank you I love it’ ‘your welcome’ he said pleased. ‘Now shall we go to the pledge square now?’ ‘Sure you lead the way. I said putting the present into a bag which hung from my waist.

I stood in front of the class of 15 pupils who were all staring at me in admiration. Now class I present to you Holly the hero of Operation Brighton!!! Nice intro I said blushing. So any questions? ‘How did you get your partner’ one girl asked ‘Well parischu decided to make her home in the ranger school but she kept taking things to make nests and Miss April asked me to find a good home for her. I captured her and you can see what happened after that.’ I said ‘Do you like being a ranger and what is the best part of it?’ an impossibly tiny boy asked ‘I love being a ranger and the best part is when you know that what you are doing is making other people happy.’ ‘Do you have a boyfriend?’ a red haired boy asked his impish grin reminded me of Keith. ‘There will be none of that Richard’ Miss April scolded. At that point my styler rang out. ‘Holly it’s me Sven. Sorry to interrupt but you’re needed at the ranger union urgently. Come right away.’ I apologised to Miss April and Principal Lamont captured a staraptor and flew to the ranger union. I landed thanked the staraptor and went upstairs to the operations room which was for some reason pitch dark.

Hope its better!!

Neutrino

The Jelly-Stuff of legend...

Age 28
Male
Leeds, England
Seen July 10th, 2010
Posted March 28th, 2010
333 posts
14.3 Years
Hi! It was still really good, if a teensy bit short, but I noticed a few mistakes on the very firs sentence

I walked along the bridge to the ranger school by partner parischu perched on my shoulder the gentle breeze blowing felt good and the sun was high in the sky
Now, I'm just assuming that your partner is Pachirisu, and by the way it should say my partner, not by. It had a lack of comments, which will probably lead to lack of breath. It would look better like this:

I walked along the bridge to the Ranger school, my partner Pachirisu perched on my shoulder. There was a gentle breeze flowing that felt good, and the sun was high in the sky, keeping planet earth warm
Okay, I just added in the last planet earth thing in becaus eI thoguht it sounded good. Although it won't be keeping the entire planet warm since it doesn't cover it all at one time. Anywhoo, I added in commas and a full stop. I'm just thinking now that 'parischu' might be a nicnname. please tell me if it is >.<

The reason I was today was that today was the outdoor class and I was the lucky one to get picked.
This didn't quite make sense. The reason I was today = ? should it be :the reason I was happy today? Also, 'Today was the outdoor class and I was the lucky one to get picked'
Now, I know what this means because I have played the ranger game, but you still need to explain how you were the lucky one to get picked, and picked for what?.

no need to quote thsi bit, but I think "I'm be 15" should be either "I'm 15" Or "I'll be 15". I think the former, because I WILL be implys it is not ehr birthday, which doesn't make sense since (oh that nearly rhymes!) Lamont said her birthday is today.

at the end of the sentence, the speech "sure lead the way" doesn't have a closing '

In the second paragraph, there are quite a few people speaking, but with no speech marks.

by the way, speech marks are usually " not ' , but they sometimes are. I just wanted to point that out, you don't really have to edit that if you don't want to

Well, it certainly was better than the first one! the prologue and first chapter combined are the beggingings of a brilliant story! And you can't say that about many! keep it up! ^^

emoBill™

† мазохист †

Age 30
Male
Россия // Russia
Seen May 18th, 2010
Posted March 29th, 2010
763 posts
17.4 Years
Here comes grammar/spelling Nazi Savannah.

I walked along the bridge to the ranger school by partner parischu perched on my shoulder the gentle breeze blowing felt good and the sun was high in the sky.
First of all, where it says Holly POV, add an apostrophe. Also, who's Holly? She just randomly appeared out of nowhere.

'By' should be changed to 'my', and it should start a new sentence. For example, you should write: "I walked along the bridge to the Ranger school. My partner Pachirisu was perched on my shoulder. The gentle breeze that was blowing felt good, and the sun was high in the sky." That's an example of a better paragraph.

You must remember that not everyone is educated on the 4th generation Pokemon, and some people don't want to go look it up. Explain it. Is it purple with yellow polka dots all over its body? Does it have wings growing out of its butt? Explain, but not in block form, what it looks like.

Block Form (not a good idea) : My partner Pachirisu, a blue and white electric-type squirrel with little horns on its head and large teeth that was about a foot tall, was perched on my shoulder.

The Right Way: My partner Pachirisu flicked its gigantic blue and white tail, nestling its squirrel-like body into my neck. Its small teeth flashed as it smiled, completely comfortable.

Or whatever.


The reason I was today was that today was the outdoor class and I was the lucky one to get picked.
That doesn't even make any sense.
I smiled as I went through the huge iron gates and approached the school.
She smiled? Why? Was she happy at seeing the school? Did Pachirisu feel good nestled on her? What happened? Usually people don't smile for no reason. Some do, but explain it.

I went into the staffroom.
I wasn't aware regular kids were let into the staffroom. Explain why he was in there, because last time I checked, I'm not allowed to go into the staffroom at my school just for kicks.

‘Holly how are you? It’s your birthday today’
Single quotations don't really work. Use double ones " and ". Add a comma after Holly. And usually when people say hi, they don't announce that it's that person's birthday right after. Like, she has to be told it's her birthday?

‘Fine thanks, I’m be 15’ wondering why he was asking
You killed this. "I'm be"? That's not even...oh my word. "I'm doing fine, thanks. I'm fifteen." (Authors are discouraged from using numbers in the story. Write them out instead.) Wondering why he was asking. "I wondered why he was asking". That would be better. And what did he ask that made her wonder? All he said was "How are you?" and "It's your birthday today." I wouldn't wonder why someone was asking how I was. It's a normal question.

‘Well then here’s a little gift for you’ He took a box out of his pocket. ‘You shouldn’t have.’ I said blushing.
There's no period after 'you'. Put one there. Put a comma in the place of the period after 'have', since you put 'I said' right after it. There should be a comma in between said and blushing. And this sounds way too much like a proposal. He's her principal. She shouldn't be blushing and saying 'You shouldn't have!' because that just sounds way too romantic.

I opened the box and there was a red book inside as I realised that it was a miniature photo album the type that could fit into your pocket.
The book was inside as she realised? That doesn't make sense. Get rid of the 'as' and make it into two different sentences. Put a comma in between album and the.

There were pictures inside and some I didn’t even remember being taken.
You say she just got it, but here you're saying she didn't remember taking some of the pictures. Which would mean she did remember taking some of the pictures. If they're pictures from a different camera, say so.

There were photos of all my friends and family. Thank you I love it’ ‘your welcome’ he said pleased.
Put a quotation mark in front of 'thank', and tell who's saying it. Or don't, and start a new paragraph with the new quote, which is what you should have been doing all along. Start new paragraphs when different people speak. 'Your' is possessive, which means that he's telling her that it's her welcome. 'You're' is what you're looking for, the contraction of you and are. Put a comma in between said and pleased, and a comma after 'welcome'.

‘Now shall we go to the pledge square now?’ ‘Sure you lead the way. I said putting the present into a bag which hung from my waist.
You put 'now' twice, and even though I can tell from the context who's speaking, some of your readers cannot. Put a comma after 'sure' and end it with quotation marks. Replace the period after 'way' with a comma, since you have an 'I said' right there. Put a comma in between said and putting.

Now class I present to you Holly the hero of Operation Brighton!!!
No punctuation. There should be a comma in front of 'now' and 'class' and a colon (:) in front of 'Holly' or something flashy like that. Don't use like six different exclamation points. Just one is fine, two if you're screaming it.

Nice intro I said blushing. So any questions?
There's no quotation punctuation. It should look like such:

"Nice intro," I said, blushing. "So, any questions?"


‘How did you get your partner’ one girl asked
"How did you get your partner?" one girl asked.

And what does this girl look like? Skinny? Fat? Short? Tall? What?


‘Well parischu decided to make her home in the ranger school but she kept taking things to make nests and Miss April asked me to find a good home for her. I captured her and you can see what happened after that.’ I said
"Well, Pachirisu decided to make her home in the Ranger school, but she kept taking things to make nests!" I laughed, remembering how annoyed Miss April, one of my teachers, had been. "Miss April asked me to find a good home for her. I captured her and you can see what happened after that."

I'm not sure if Miss April is a teacher, so I put it in. That's why you needed to explain who she was. And I couldn't help but notice you spelled Pachirisu wrong.


‘Do you like being a ranger and what is the best part of it?’ an impossibly tiny boy asked
"Do you like being a ranger? And what is the best part of it?" an impossibly tiny boy asked.

And how is he impossibly tiny? Six inches? Two? You say it's impossible to be that tiny...how small exactly is he?


‘I love being a ranger and the best part is when you know that what you are doing is making other people happy.’
"I love being a ranger. The best part is when you know what you are doing is making other people happy."

‘Do you have a boyfriend?’ a red haired boy asked his impish grin reminded me of Keith.
"Do you have a boyfriend?" a red-haired boy asked. His impish grin reminded me of Keith.

Good for adding a descriptive adjective before 'grin'. But who in the name of God's pyjamas is Keith?


‘Holly it’s me Sven. Sorry to interrupt but you’re needed at the ranger union urgently. Come right away.’
"Holly, it's me, Sven. Sorry to interrupt but you're needed at the Ranger Union urgently. Come right away."

And where did this voice came from? It just appeared.


I apologised to Miss April and Principal Lamont captured a staraptor and flew to the ranger union.
I apologized to Miss April and Principal Lamont, captured a Staraptor and flew to the Ranger Union.

Off-topic, I always have trouble spelling Staraptor. It would be so much easier if it was Starraptor. But that's the people who made Pokemon's fault.

Anyway. How did she capture a Staraptor? I've never played Pokemon Ranger, so if you just say that she captured it, I'm thinking she threw a Pokeball at it and it came without hesitation. I know there's more than that, but some people don't. Explain how. Be like: "I whipped my styler around and the usual blue light came out, encircling a Staraptor flying in the sky. It came down and cocked its head, like it was asking me what I needed." That's much more flowing and nice-sounding.


I landed thanked the staraptor and went upstairs to the operations room which was for some reason pitch dark.
I landed, thanked the Staraptor, and went upstairs to the Operations room. For some reason, it was pitch dark.

Try describing a bit more. If it was pitch dark, how did she come up the stairs?

Overall, it has potential. But I think you need a beta reader, someone who will read your chapters before you post them. That way when you do post them, they'll look nice and neat.
i want your drama, the touch of your hand
i want your leather studded kiss in the sand